Reg Barclay lay awake for a long time after Deanna had gone to bed. He felt guilty for not having told her all there was to tell about his holodeck interactions with the Voyager crew. But if he had, surely even this most understanding of friends would be disgusted with him. He couldn't bear that; the counselor was the only flesh and blood person he trusted.

Reg turned on his side, snuggling into the pillow, certain he could smell... him. But it was impossible. He was decades away, at least until Reg could find a way to change that, and not only had he never touched Reg's pillow, there was theoretically no way Reg could possibly know how he smelled. But he did. He knew exactly. Sweet amber, some intoxicating Vulcan spices... and comfort.

Reg sighed, turning on his back again restlessly. Holograms did not have a scent, but this one did. Either that, or he truly was going insane, because it surely wasn't possible to have such detailed recollections of a man he had met years and years ago at a space station, with whom he had spent an hour alone, and a couple of days in the company of others. That single hour alone, however, had stayed with Reg.

He remembered they'd been in very close proximity, working on a security grid around the station, forced into physical contact by the tightness of their work space. Reg knew Vulcans abhorred being touched, he'd known it even then, and he remembered apologizing over and over, but this Vulcan hadn't minded too much. He'd been very understanding. Gentle, even. What was more - they'd talked. They'd actually been able to talk; it was something that Reg didn't find with many people. The Vulcan had shown real interest in him in his quiet, reserved way.

Years ago. Such a long time. Before Reg had even come aboard the Enterprise. It was crazy. And yet...

Should he have told Deanna? Should he tell her in the morning? No. He knew that this was more than even she would let him get away with. Sighing deeply, he clutched the pillow more tightly. He should at least be allowed to reminisce. He couldn't turn back the clock, and repeating the experience at the lab would be very dangerous. And as Reg could think of nowhere else to run the Voyager program, memories were all he had to hold on to.

No one would ever know why he was so determined to help Voyager get back, why Project Pathfinder was worth his career, his sanity... everything.

It had all begun a few nights before Deanna's visit...

Like every night, Reg couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned for a couple of hours and finally, he decided there was only one way - the usual way - he could ever hope to get any rest at all.

He got up and dressed quickly, in a casual pair of black jeans and a honey-colored pullover, rather than his uniform. He drove to the lab and let himself in.

He went straight to the console linked to the Midas array and accessed it to work on a few more computations. When that didn't get him anywhere, he moved on to the holo grid, unaware that he'd neglected to shut down the array again. He was tired, exhausted, and needed to un-stress more than anything.

Once on the holodeck, Reg accessed program Voyager.

Instantly, the ship's corridor shimmered into being all around him, and Reg began to relax.

As always, his first trip was to the mess hall for a game of cards with his friends. Then some hover ball with Tom, a massage from the Doc, a cup of coffee and conversation with Captain Janeway, and then it was time to retire to his comfortable, homely quarters.

Reg was on his way there when he ran into... him.

"Lt. Barclay." Tuvok met him in the corridor outside the observations' lounge.

"Tuvok." Reg smiled brightly, trying hard to ignore that if this were not a holo simulation, the calm, confident Vulcan would reduce him to a stuttering bundle of nerves with a single look.

"I was hoping I might see you before you turn in," Tuvok told him.

Reg found himself getting a little flustered after all. "Why is that, Tuvok?" he asked, hoping not to sound too eager.

"Some Vulcan Spice Tea in my quarters, perhaps?" Tuvok offered, craftily avoiding a response.

Reg had to remind himself that here, on Voyager, he was cool, self-assured and in control. "Uh... yes, Tuvok, that would be... nice." Why was he getting so nervous? And why was the program taking such an unexpected turn? By now, he was supposed to be in his own crew quarters, drifting off to sleep.

Tuvok led the way and Reg followed, feverishly trying to remember if he'd made any recent changes to the program, apart from... oh heavens!

Earlier that day, Reg had programmed the crew to act more lifelike - he wanted to know whether they'd like him any less if he gave them more cynicism, suspicion, etc., as well as the full range of their memories as far as he'd been able to retrieve them from official records.

He'd forgotten all about that, realizing now that nothing had changed between him and his friends. He smiled, but his smile died away instantly. Nothing had changed, except for Tuvok.

"Tuvok?" Reg asked carefully, just as they arrived at the Vulcan's quarters.

"Yes, Lt. Barclay?" Tuvok raised an eyebrow at him.

"There's something I... well, I wonder if you could help me with that."

Tuvok released the door lock and gestured for Reg to enter first. "I will do my best, lieutenant," he assured, and the door closed behind them.

Tuvok's quarters were lit only by midnight blue candles, dozens of them, it seemed, but then Reg realized the flames were reflecting off every sculpture and trinket in the room. It was utterly beautiful. There was some soft music playing, and the air was lightly scented with incense. The floor below the view-port was strewn with cushions in all shades of blue and purple.

"Take a seat," Tuvok said, and disappeared next door.

Reg stood in the center of the candle-lit room, flustered and nervous as he'd only ever been outside of a holodeck. Before he could decide what to do next, however, Tuvok had returned, dressed in long, flowing blue robes which seemed to give his dark skin the texture of velvet and his movements a princely grace.

"Uh..." Reg stammered, easily allowing himself to be guided down to one of the floor cushions by the Vulcan's hand on his shoulder. He half fell, truth be told.

"Now, what is it I can do for you, Lt. Barclay?" Tuvok asked softly.

"Um... I..." A multitude of entirely inappropriate responses rushed through Reg's mind, and he reminded himself sternly that just because Tuvok was by far the most fascinating aspect of the Voyager program, he simply couldn't let his imagination run away with him. Could he?

"You appear to be unwell," Tuvok said, raising one eyebrow.

Before Reg knew what was happening, the Vulcan's hand was on his forehead, testing his temperature. Reg shrieked, and shrunk back immediately in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Tuvok," he said meekly.

"Lt. Barclay," Tuvok started, settling elegantly opposite Reg and reaching for the prepared teapot by his side. "If there is anything amiss, I wish you would entrust your concerns to me."

"Nothing amiss," Barclay managed, mesmerized by the long, slender fingers curled around the translucent handle of the pot as Tuvok poured the deep red, spicy tea.

He'd watched those fingers years ago, working on cables and wires, handling the most delicate equipment with something almost like tenderness. And more recently, he'd been watching them during the many games of cards he'd played with his friends here. In fact, he'd watched them anytime he hadn't been busy watching the black, fiery eyes, so much more passionate than a Vulcan's eyes had any right to be.

"And yet," Tuvok said, passing one of the cups to Reg, who took it with trembling fingers. "All your confidence appears to have left you since you entered my quarters. I cannot help but wonder why that is."

Reg nearly dropped the cup, but Tuvok managed to catch it in midair without spilling a drop. He passed it back to Reg, letting it slide from his own palm into Reg's. Reg whimpered softly at the brush of smooth, hot skin.

"How curious," Tuvok commented.

"I..." Reg swallowed. "That's the problem, Tuvok, you see... I... I don't really have any con... confidence."

Tuvok didn't appear overly surprised by this admission. "Indeed." Reg hung his head. "That is, interestingly enough, the reason I have invited you here tonight, Lt. Barclay," Tuvok said, astonishing Reg.

Reg looked up again, his eyes widening in surprise. "Because I don't have confidence?"

Tuvok sipped some tea and set down the cup. "Because I have been sensing for some time now that you appear to be hiding your true nature." When Reg nodded, admitting defeat, Tuvok continued, "Allow me to alleviate your concerns, lieutenant. I doubt that any non-Vulcan would have noticed it, but underneath your seeming over-confidence, you appear to be - and forgive my bluntness - trembling with fear."

Reg made a strangled little sound. "I should have known. Nothing gets past a Vulcan."

"On the contrary, Lt. Barclay. Vulcans can be mistaken about their perceptions. We are touch telepaths, not empaths. It is merely because I sense a connection between us that I have come to this conclusion so easily."

Reg's mouth fell open. "A connection?"

"Indeed. A connection much like a memory." Tuvok sipped some more tea, then realized that his guest hadn't yet touched his own but was staring at him wide-eyed. "If you are not partial to Vulcan Spice Tea, I could prepare something else for you, lieutenant."

"No! No... not at all." To prove it, Reg took a gulp of the tea and nearly burned his tongue. But he smiled bravely, willing the fire in his mouth to extinguish itself. Tuvok watched him curiously, but Reg avoided the intense look, gazing at the view-port above and to the right of Tuvok's head instead. "You were saying something about a... a connection..."

"Yes, perhaps you too have felt it." Tuvok set down his cup.

Reg flushed to the roots of his hair. For a crazy moment, he considered telling Tuvok about all the things he felt in his presence - the admiration, the desire, the longing - but thought better of it. "Perhaps," Reg admitted instead, smiling coyly.

Tuvok nodded, crossing his long legs in front of him until he sat in a meditative pose. "I was wondering whether you wish to explore that connection further, lieutenant?"

Reg wondered if Tuvok's quarters, the holodeck or indeed the entire Starfleet Lab were spinning around him. He nodded wordlessly, because he never could have made a sound.

"Then I suggest a mind meld," Tuvok said calmly. "Perhaps I will be able to give you some of my own confidence. If that is what you wish."

"Oh yes," Reg said eagerly, blushing immediately. "That would be... helpful."

"Very well." Tuvok took the still mostly full cup from Reg's trembling fingers and set it down beside his own. "I must, however, warn you that to non-Vulcans, a mind meld can be overwhelming and even dangerous."

"That's... all right. I don't mind." Reg shifted closer, and that was when he first sensed the Vulcan's scent, an ethereal perfume which seemed to permeate his skin, his robes, his... finger tips which now slowly settled on Reg's face. Gasping, Reg willed himself to remain calm, but the Vulcan's fingers dabbed little spots of fire onto his skin, and then proceeded to burn into it. Reg watched Tuvok's eyes as they settled on his own, awed at the way the starlight from the view-port above them placed little silver flecks in them.

Soon, the intensity of the Vulcan's gaze increased as he began his mantra, "Your mind to my mind... my thoughts to your thoughts..."

Reg felt as though he was being gripped by a tornado, spinning upwards helplessly, pulled into the landscape of the Vulcan's mind where he sank back down as if on a cushion of air, a pillow of clouds. He felt himself smiling.

Tuvok's voice came to him as if from a long distance away. 'I do not understand your lack of confidence... Reg...' Tuvok murmured, gripping Reg's face a little harder. 'It is... illogical. You are... intelligent... imaginative... intuitive... gentle... sensitive...'

'Those are all virtues by Vulcan standards?' Reg thought.

He heard Tuvok's answering thought, 'Our minds are connected... I am becoming more like you... Reg... more sensitive to emotions... as you are.'

Reg closed his eyes. He still could make out nothing but swirls and shapes in his brain, but he could hear Tuvok as clearly as if they were having a conversation aloud.

'I sense... strong emotions...' Tuvok thought.

Reg felt a trace of panic.

'There is no need to fear them...' Tuvok's fingertips suddenly felt less intrusive, more tender. 'You are human... for you, emotions are... logical. They are your greatest... strength. You must draw your confidence from them...'

Reg's eyes opened, and he felt suddenly very relaxed and calm.

Tuvok's lips were not moving, but Reg heard him say, 'Your emotions for... me... are the strongest.'

'Yes,' Reg thought, surprised at his own lack of embarrassment. 'Yes, they are.'

'Then draw your confidence from them,' Tuvok instructed. 'Let them guide you. Trust them... to lead you where you must go.'

Reg took a deep breath. 'Yes, Tuvok. I trust them.'

Tuvok's fingertips slowly slipped from the meld points, yet it seemed that his mind remained with Reg's.

Reg leaned into the touch when Tuvok's fingers brushed against his cheeks, his temples, the corners of his mouth...

'Please touch me,' Reg thought, no longer afraid. He opened his eyes.

Tuvok held Reg spellbound as he moved his long fingers into Reg's hair, tenderly tracing the outline of the human's ears before moving on to the back of his head and his nape, where he lay both his hands flat against Reg's skin and drew him forward.

Reg shifted until his face was so close to Tuvok, he could taste the Vulcan's breath. The pressure against the back of his head and neck increased, and with a sigh, Reg let himself be drawn to within an inch of Tuvok's mouth.

"Draw your confidence from me," the Vulcan offered in a husky whisper. "Take all you need."

Reg parted his lips, and Tuvok's mouth was on his. The taste of spice tea mingled on the tender skin of their lips, and Reg returned the kiss without hesitation, without fear.

The pressure from the hands holding Reg's head decreased, and they moved down his nape and to his shoulders, where Tuvok once again gripped him hard and drew him closer.

Reg allowed it, tilting his head for a better angle and deepening the kiss until he tasted the Vulcan's tongue against his own. He suckled on it, drawing it deep into his mouth and releasing it again, before drawing on it harder.

Tuvok broke the kiss with a groan, the dark sound sending a shiver of delight through Reg. He released Reg's shoulders and gripped the front of his pullover, then reached down and pulled it up over Reg's head and threw it aside.

When Tuvok's hands came to rest on Reg's arms and he made contact with bare skin, he resumed the kiss, using his tongue to give little stabs to Reg's own, his gums, the roof of his mouth, alternating until Reg was quivering with desperation from never knowing where the touch would be next.

Reg gasped, having to disrupt the kiss, when Tuvok's warm hands slipped around his middle and to his back, then up to his shoulder blades. He was panting when Tuvok lay him down and leaned over him, his mouth hot on the exposed flesh of Reg's stomach and chest.

Tuvok's lips finally closed around a hardened nipple, and Reg arched off the ground, then lay back shuddering. Tuvok attended to his other nipple in the same way, and by the time he had laved both until the light hairs around them were damp tendrils, Reg was so aroused, he was in pain.

"Please, help me!" Reg begged, reaching for one of Tuvok's hands.

Tuvok allowed him to take it and move it downwards, where Reg let go of it and Tuvok cupped the straining front of the human's jeans.

Reg groaned with need, and a moment later, the jeans were out of the way, pushed down past his hips just far enough to not interfere. Reg thrust his hips up, his movements deliciously restricted, but Tuvok pressed them down again, slowly inching his way towards the pale erection straining for his touch. When he thought Reg could take no more waiting, he closed his hand around it, hard, causing a groan of pleasure from his receptive partner.

"There is one more characteristic I forgot to mention earlier," Tuvok murmured huskily.

Reg's eyes flew open. "Hmm..."

"You are also quite enchanting," Tuvok said with honest appreciation, before bending down to take Reg in his mouth.

Reg whimpered, his head tipping until his cheek touched the soft floor while Tuvok's lips, tongue and hand brought him closer and closer to his climax. When he reached it, he groaned with complete abandon, any remaining traces of his awkwardness evaporating like the beads of sweat on his heated flesh.

Tuvok lapped up Reg's release as if it was the finest delicacy, before letting go of the now flaccid flesh and reaching backwards to a small box behind him.

Reg watched, fascinated, when the Vulcan's hand came back into view a moment later, coated with a shiny, gelatinous substance. He realized what was about to happen and began to tremble.

Tuvok gave him a reassuring glance when he moved his hand between Reg's legs, and when the warm jelly was smeared into his opening, Reg shivered.

"Do not be frightened," Tuvok said softly. "I will not hurt you."

"I know," Reg breathed, relaxing around Tuvok's probing fingers. "Tuvok... oh..."

The Vulcan dared to move further. Deeper. Angling his fingers, he made Reg squirm, watching the soft dark eyes widen and close in quick succession, allowing a hand to clutch at the arm he used to support himself.

"This is what you need, Reg," Tuvok urged. "This... and much more of this... all I can give... all you can take."

Reg groaned, arching off the ground. "Yes," he gasped.

Tuvok's fingers suddenly stopped moving, and moments later, Reg felt himself lifted and raised above the Vulcan who lay on his back now, beneath him, panting and half undressed, his erection pressed against Reg's groin, rising up in open invitation.

Reg was in awe of Tuvok's disheveled beauty, the way his hard flesh rose from folds of luxuriant fabric.

"Let me enter you!" Tuvok hissed.

Reg swallowed. Then he nodded, allowing Tuvok's hands to lift him by the waist and lower him back down, until he was slowly and painfully being impaled. He held his breath.

"Breathe! The pain will cease. Breathe..." Tuvok instructed calmly.

And Reg relaxed, let go of the fear, and allowed Tuvok into his body the way he had allowed him into his mind. He wanted him there, needed him.

Tuvok's eyes closed and his hands clutched at Reg's hips as he slowly began to move, his own hips rolling against him rhythmically. He soon opened his eyes again, finding the human looking down at him and watching the play of his muscles through the thin Vulcan robes, the way his face contorted with effort and pleasure, and he saw his own rapture mirrored in Reg's face.

"You are all I wished and hoped for," Tuvok said, startling both himself and Reg.

"Tuvok," Reg sighed softly.

"As if I had waited for you. Longed for you..." Tuvok said, his breathing harsh, his emotions in turmoil, as he tried to place the familiarity. What was this need?

Reg whispered something, not loudly enough for the Vulcan to hear him.

"I know you," Tuvok gasped. "You are so close to me." He drew Reg down, his long arms winding around the human's waist, then his hands slid up his sides, heat searing up Reg's stomach and chest. "Closer," Tuvok growled. "Closer."

Reg was pressed to the Vulcan full length, Tuvok's body heat was overwhelming his senses, the pressure inside him made him want to weep and sigh at the same time. They could get no closer, but he wanted to. So much. "Meld with me again," Reg said softly, his lips against Tuvok's neck.

"It will be intense," Tuvok warned huskily.

Reg's heart fluttered with need and affection. "Good," he said, his voice deep and determined. He hardly recognized it, or the way he felt.

Tuvok's fingers were against his face moments later, and their connection was revived like a dormant thing regenerated with an electric jolt.

"Your mind to my mind..." Tuvok rasped, his movements inside Reg stilled temporarily. "My thoughts to your thoughts..."

Reg closed his eyes, his lips parted on a silent gasp. Tuvok was in his mind and in his body at the same time - it was more arousing than either on its own could ever be.

Keeping their link to a low humming vibration, like a thin umbilical cord, Tuvok began to move again, countering the pressure Reg exerted from above him.

They had no need to speak. What they felt, together, was stronger, more tangible, than any words could ever be. The room, glowing with the golden candle flickers like a secret temple, was soundless except for their panting breaths, the rustle of silk and the slickness of their bodies sliding against and into one another.

Reg held on as long as he could, and instinctively, Tuvok felt when their mental connection became too strong for the human, and he severed it. He clutched at Reg's hips and used all his considerable physical strength to penetrate him, deeply, faster and faster, arching up against him while holding Reg as close as he could.

When Tuvok pushed upwards one last time, slowly now, Reg cried out, grit his teeth and, with a soft whimper, spilled himself over Tuvok's stomach and the crumpled blue silk of his robes.

Tuvok followed him moments later, burning Reg's insides with his seed before drawing the human down and into his arms. He enfolded him, holding him close, his partially exposed, muscled forearms crossed behind Reg's back and their cheeks touching.

Once Reg's world began to refocus, Tuvok released him reluctantly. They gazed at each other, their similarly dark eyes so warm and tender, it seemed impossible either of them was Vulcan.

Tuvok reached up and stroked Reg's cheek. "Our minds have been one. We will always be a part of each other."

Reg's heart contracted. With sudden, inescapable brutality, the fact that this man - his lover - was merely a hologram choked him like a savage hand around his neck. The real Tuvok was thousands of light years away from him, unaware of the connection his facsimile had forged with Reg.

Reg wanted to cry. His eyes filled with tears, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't keep them away.

"Why?" Tuvok asked, reaching to wipe the dampness from the corners of his lover's eyes.

"I can't explain," Reg sobbed. "I... we... I mean..."

Tuvok laid one finger across Reg's lips, keeping him enfolded loosely with his other arm. "Whatever it is, remember this... I am yours. You are mine. Nothing can break our link. Nothing."

Reg squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his damp face into Tuvok's disheveled robes. 'Except for reality,' he thought, noticing that Tuvok jolted a little at that. Of course - he sensed his thoughts.

At the same time, in the Delta Quadrant, Tuvok attempted to meditate. Unsuccessfully.

There were times when his duties prevented him from being as diligent about his mental exercises as he would have liked, but there had never been a time when he had found it so impossible to focus his mind.

His fingers entertwined and he let out a frustrated hiss. Then he focused his eyes on the candle before him. The regular flickering of the flame calmed him somewhat, but he simply could not understand why he was so restless. Why, after all these years, did he suddenly feel that he could wait no longer to get back home?

It was as if a force he did not know reached into his mind and melded with him, without his input, without his participation. It drained him, chiseled away at his emotional barriers. In fact, he had been growing more and more... emotional of late, and it was beginning to worry him a great deal.

Worry... another unsettling emotion. Perhaps nearly as unsettling as the longing he had begun to feel of late for someone or something in the Alpha Quadrant.

Tuvok rose from his cushion on the floor and began to pace his quarters. When he came back to stand before the view-port, he squinted out at the stars, as if they held his answer.

He was concerned about what might happen to him if his emotions were to continue this way. One day, maybe soon, his mental shields would fail him when he needed them most. He might even put his colleagues, his friends, in danger.

Yes, worry was the worst of it.

But the longing was what threatened to shatter his heart.