Wyatt Sawyer Moerke

My Story of my Sweet Angel,
Wyatt Sawyer Moerke

My husband and I always knew that we wanted
to have more than one child.  We were fortunate enough
to have our daughter, Alexis, in January of 1994.
She has been my lifeline.
We weren't married when we had her and a lot
of people looked down upon us because we dared to have a child out of wedlock...I am so glad that we did.
We put off having another child for a while because of finicial reasons. 
But when my Dr. diagnosed me with severe endometriosis,
we realized that our time was running out.  My Dr. told me to have my family now while I am still able because I would
need a hysterectomy in the next couple years.  This was
in November of 1996.So my husband and I
started trying right away to have another child.   
  It was so disappointing month after month
with no positive pregnancy.  I was really very discouraged and had pretty much given up hope when finally in April of
1998 we got a positive pregnancy test!  Yeah!
We were both ecstatic.  My pregnancy went along pretty normally, for me
anyway.  I vomited for the first 5 months all day every day.. Which I did with my daughter too!  I gained weight at a good
pace and everything seemed fine.  Until about my 32nd week.
I lost a little bit of fluid.  My Dr. put it down as nothing and
we continued along in what we thought was going to be
a normal, easy pregnancy.  Then at my 36th week check-up
my Dr. realized that my uterus had quit growing. 
This condition is called Intrauterine Growth Retardation (IUGR). 
He started doing Fetal non stress tests four times a week and an ultrasound every week also.  Although my
baby wasn't growing any more, he seemed to be
fine.....I was due on Christmas Day and my Dr. and I
both decided that we did not want to spend our Christmas at the
hospital and that we would induce me on the 22nd. 
All in all, my labor was pretty good.  We had a scare
in the morning when Wyatt's heart rate dropped. 
The nurse had me get on all fours in the bed while she was
jamming an IV in my arm, in case they had to do a C-section. 
Fortunately, his heart rate came back up and I delivered him vaginally at 10:23 pm on the 22nd of December.  He was
5lbs. and 10oz. and 18 inches long.  He was so beautiful.  Looked just like his daddy.  Lots of dark hair, and daddy's eyes, ears, mouth....We felt so blessed.We were able to spend a  
very uneventful day with Wyatt on the 23rd.  We got
to cuddle and pass him around.  He wouldn't nurse well, so they wouldn't let me go home with him until he would nurse well.
Then, a nurse, who had just come on shift noticed that he had a heart murmur... She took Wyatt down to the nursery to
have the other nurse double check it and call the dr. in...
The dr. showed up and listen to Wyatt and checked his O2
level and it was low... He called a Pediatric team from up North
to come and get him to take him to the NICU.
They came and got Wyatt... but they wouldn't let me ride with them so my husband and I followed them up...When we arrived
at the NICU, they were doing all kinds of tests on Wyatt. 
They let us look in on him and then set us up in a room and told us to sleep and they would have more answers in the morning....
Morning came, with bad news... Wyatt had a heart defect called Coarctation of the Aorta.. The left side of his heart
was quite enlarged and they did not know if they would be able to do the  surgery here in Washington or if they would have to send him
to California to do a special kind of surgery... They
started him on some heart medication to stabilize him and it was a wait and see game... This was on the 24th.
  We ended up having to go home the evening of the 24th. 
They had no where for us to crash for the night
and quite frankly, I needed to see my daughter.
It was so hard to leave my baby up there, a lot of people questioned how I could do this, but I feel that I did
what I had to do at that time.We were going to go back up to
see Wyatt on Christmas Day, but unfortunately,
my husbands dad had a stroke and ended up in the hospital down where we live.  We stayed in our home town until he was stabilized
and headed back up to Wyatt the day after Christmas.
  We were thrilled with the news that greeted us when we got up there.  They felt that Wyatt would be able to have surgery in
their hospital and we were finally allowed to hold him
again....  Also, they started feeding him with a cup... I was planning to nurse but he wasn't strong enough to nurse at this time.  We felt so hopeful.  The next day, which was Sunday the 27th, they did a small
surgery called a heart catherization.  They went in through
his belly button with a small tube and shot dye into his heart
to see how severe the narrowing of the Aorta was.
It was very severe, but they felt confident that they could repair it. 
They let him rest up for surgery on Monday the 28th.  He was scheduled for surgery on the 29th at 9am.
They moved him to the PICU on the evening of the 28th because they felt that the staff in there was better trained to
deal with a child recovery from heart surgery.  This move made my
husband and I both very uneasy.  We felt very comfortable with the
Nicu nurses and he was in an open nursery in there.
Where as in the Picu, he had his own room and was left alone at times.  It was quite a shock to our system.The morning of surgery
came along to quickly.  They took him to the O.R. at
8am and called me in the waiting room when they started surgery.  They called me again halfway through surgery to let me know
called me again when it was all over to let me know the surgeon would be there shortly to explain all that had happened. 
Overall, it was not too horrible an experience.  Wyatt did well with surgery, his heart was repaired.  The dr. was so wonderful.
We got to see Wyatt by noon.  He looked so peaceful.
From there, things seemed to go fast.  He was off the ventilator by the next day and the chest tube was out on the
day following that.  He was such a tough little guy...
By Saturday, the 2nd of January... they finally asked me if I would like to hold him... What a wonderful day!!!!  I held
him for three hours.  I am so glad I held him so long.  Because the very next day, they put him back on the ventilator and gave him a drug to paralyze him.
  He had developed severe pulmonary hypertension and the
medications that they were giving him were not helping him.
Over the next couple days, things got worse and worse for him.  He was so ill, so fragile, they wouldn't let me touch him or
even talk to him for fear of stimulating him.  The had him laying
on his tummy so that his heart would
not compress his lungs.  He looked like skinny little frog lying there all sprawled out.  On Tuesday the 5th, they finally took
my husband and I aside and told us that
the medications to help his pulmonary hypertension was not working and they had one last thing they could try for him..
. It was and experimental drug called Nitric Oxide.
This particular drug has been used on the East coast
for a while but this would be the first time this particular hospital would use it.  We decided to go for it, as it was Wyatt's
only chance for survival. They started him on the Nitric Oxide immediately andit was working, but he
was bleeding somewhere inside by now and his
platelets had dropped down to 15,000.  The kept on giving him
more and more drugs and they had to put in another
chest tube because there was so much fluid and blood in his chest
cavity.  On the morning of the 8th,  they discovered that
he had a blood clot around his main line in his chest.. They started
him on a blood thinner and said "no more IV's in his arms" .
Later on that night, they dr. came in and said that
although Wyatt was still fragile, that he was doing better and that he
thought he was finally over the hump.About 15 minutes after the dr.
left the room a nurse came in and noticed that
the arterial line in Wyatt's arm was oozing.  She called another nurse into the room to check it, and between them the decided to
try to push the IV back in so it would stop oozing.  My husband had just left the room, so I was in there by myself... I heard the one nurse say, "did you shove it back in there good?" and the other nurse
responded "yes, I shoved it back in".  Of course, this is
when Wyatt's vitals started dropping and my husband came
back in the room asking me why his numbers were not coming back up... All I could do was shake my head
and say "Please God!' over and over.  The room
began to fill up with medical staff, they started doing chest compressions and respiration for my son.  They worked
for almost two hours shoving drugs into his little body trying to get his heart to start up again... But it was so tired that it just wouldn't.
The dr. finally turned to me and said, "do you want to hold him?'   I said "yes" and my husband ran screaming out of the
room as reality hit him and he realized that our baby
boy was gone forever.I went after my husband and comforted
him as best I could, then I returned to my sons room and held him,
rocked him, kissed him, and sang to him.  Finally,
Brian came back in the room and held him and said his final good bye to his little boy.

I thought I would die with the pain that I was ( and still am feeling) But somehow, life does go on.  We
went home the evening that Wyatt died.... We
waited until the following day to go get our daughter and tell her the
horrible news.  She still prays to God every night to take care of baby
brother... She is such a sweetie.Now, after a year of grieving,
I am still grieving, but I can feel grateful
and blessed for the time that I had with him.  He was such a precious gift and he taught me so much about life
and myself.  This horrible experience has made me
realize who my friends really are and what is really important in
life. While others are ready and willing to move
on and forget Wyatt, I am desperate to keep his
memory alive.  I will never forget him and as long as I
am on this earth, I will not let anyone else forget him....
Wyatt will be having a baby brother born any day now and I intend to let this little guy know all there is to know
about his wonderful big brother.

Thank you for reading my story.  I love to share my son with people... His is
my sweet Angel Boy!

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today
I asked what makes a mother, And I know I heard him say...
A mother has a baby, This we know is true
But God can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand God, I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His voice, and then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile, With the other children and say
"We go on earth to learn our lessons, of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much, I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me
I learned My lesson very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh, so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear...
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here"

So you see my dear sweet ones, Your children are okay
Your babies are here in MY home, And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with ME, Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home, They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day, And know that you're the best one...

Let me not Pray to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
but for the Heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield
but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
but hope for the Patience to win my freedom.
Grant me that I may not be a coward,
feeling Your mercy in my success alone;
but let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure.

Jean Formo