Ryan Ward Finnerty

October 6th 1994

Here is my long, sad, but meaning story.  I
have given birth to stillbirth babies, one on June 1, 1989
{girl:Gretchen Crystal} and the other on October 6, 1994 {boy: Ryan
Ward Finnerty}.  The memories are still very real and continue to feel
as if it were only yesterday that they occured.  When I was preg. with
Gretchen, I was young and living out in California---far away from all
family.  When I first found out I was preg. with her, I had this bad
instinct that I would never carry her to term.  Why?  Who has any idea.
Well I came home{Georgia} for a visit when I was 7 months preg., and
decided to call my old Doctor, becuase 'something just didn't feel
right.'  I called and he agreed to see me, so I got ready and went in
and lied down on the ultrasound table.  He entered the room and was
unable to find my precious babies heartbeat.  That is when it all
began.  He called for my mother and cousin to come to his office, and
asked me to get dressed.  He entered the room later and advised me that
Gretchen had been taking from me and he wanted to induce labor.  He
sent me home--overnight--and advised me to be back the next morning to
be admitted.  I had a very bad night, like anyone else who has been
sent home-carry a child that will longer move, kick or hiccup.  It had
to have been one of the worst nights of my life.  The American Red
Cross contacted my husband and he flew in to be with me during the
delivery of our daughter.  Needless to say-this was my first experience
with such pain-so I requested any type of medication to help me get
through this.  I vaugley remember giving birth to my daughter, but when
I did come around and realized where I was at, I asked to see my
daughter.  They had done sent her body to the furneal home.  I was so
upset and everyone tried to tell me that it was for the best because
she didn't look good at all.  Well that should have been for me to
judge, I was the mother RIGHT?  To make this story short--my husband
and I are no longer married, for good reasons.  He took my only chance
to see and hold a daughter that I dearly loved and wanted.

        After several years pass, I met up with my husband now.  We had
decided to start a family soon after we were married.  I became preg.
almost immediately and we were estatic.  We were so much in love with
one another and wanted so much to have a child to share our lifes with.
The preg. went fine at the begining, to say that I was releived, would
be to tell a lie.  I was scared to death and was scared to begin
enjoying my life being preg.  After I passed the 7 month mark, I began
to relax a little and began to purchase things for the nursey.  Well, I
work at the State Prison here and at this time I was working from
10:00pm until 6:00am.  I was begining to worry a lot about carring him
to term and I began to monitor fetal kicks more often.  While I was at
work one night I sat there and begin to cry...I felt that old feeling
coming back again.  I tried to concentrate on the movements and there
were none.  Once I got off work that morning--I came home and drank a
lot of milk to try to get him to move-to no avail.  I laid down and
prayed to God that this was not going to happen again, dosed off to
sleep.  After a short nap, I awoke feeling just as bad as I did before
I had laid down.  As I was getting ready for work and cooking supper,
my husband asked me if everything was okay and I asked him why he
asked.  He said he could look at me and tell that something was wrong.
He asked if the baby was moving okay and I told him he wasn't moving at
all.  Well I went into my denial state and continued to go on about my
business.  At work that night it really got the best of me, so I
decided to go to the E-Room just to be on the safe side.  I didn't come
home and tell my husband where I was going or why, I wanted to deal
with this on my own.  I arrived at the E-R at 2:30am and the nurses
were unable to find my little baby boys heartbeat, stating it was
probably something to do with the machine.  I advised her it wasn't the
first time this had ahppened to me and that I was sure it wasn't the
machine.  I asked her to go ahead and call in my doctor and have him
come in so we could go ahead and get everything started and over with.
At this time, I had one of the nurses to call my mother and ask her to
come up there but not to tell my daddy or anyone else just yet.  The
nurse came back in and told me the doctor said he would be in later
when he made rounds(he advised them he did not see this as an emergency
because I was not bleeding or in pain).  No I was not in any physcial
pain but mentally I was getting ready to go out of my mind.  My mother
arrived and called for family members to come in.  To shorten things up
a little, several people came in and tried to find his heartbeat but
were unable to .  When the busy doctor decided to come and see me, I
was extremely upset with him and blurted out, for him to put his wife
in this hospital bed and let her lay her for 6.5 hours and wonder if
your baby is dead or alive.  I hated him and his whole attitude and he
knew it.  After he did his ultrasound--he didn't have to say anything-I
just began crying and advised my husband and family members that our
precious baby boy would not have a chance to take not even one breathe
outside my womb.  It liked to have killed me to have to tell everyone
that I had lost yet another child, for unknown reasons.  After giving
birth to my son, I advised the nursing staff that I wanted to see my
son.  They brought him in to me wrapped in a blanket wearing latex
gloves, as if he would give them something.  Well I was too scared to
hold my son, scared that I would never give him up, so I looked and
cried and tried to concentrate on his apperance through the wall of
tears I had streaming down my face.  He was so small and so beautiful.
I can remember seeing him, as if I just had him.  I requested them to
take pictures for me to view later.  They did, none of which had
clothes on.  He had been dead a couple of days, so I don't even need to
explain what he looked like.  Yet, in my eyes he was still so
beautiful.  We had our furneal services and laid yet my second child to
rest.  It was so hard to deal with.  My grandfather Ward had just been
laid to rest, apro. 2 weeks prior, and that was hard on me, not to
mention we burried Ryan beside him.  I wondered then if life would ever
go on.  I love each of my children just the same and I miss them as if
I would have if they would he\ave been 10 years old.  They will always
be my children and I will always be their mother.  I look forward to
the day that I can walk or fly out of this world and rock my little
angels in Jesus' Rocking Chair.'  There is a cong intitled that by the
Greens.  If you've ever lost a child, it is really one you need to
hear.  Since the birth/death of Ryan I have became a Berevement Couns.,
for the hospital where I delivered my two angels.  Guess God knew that
the hospital really needed help in dealing with this issue.  I have
been active at the hospital since 1994 and helping others has really
helped me to deal with my greive.

RYAN
You didn't have long to go,
God knows we love you so.
We ache to hold and touch you,
and share our love so true.
Life will never be the same,
yet we'll try to remain sane.
All our hopes and dreams were shattered,
our life without you, will remain scattered.
We easily felt you move and kick,
yet those are the hardest to forget.
Words can never begin to describe,
the way we hurt and morn inside.
We watch other babies play and cry,
and it always tears us up inside.
Just remember, we'll always love you,
and you'll always be safe, while in God's view.

Visit my sister Jordan