The Second Sex Joke Page
It's this man's 33rd birthday.
He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter
the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday
today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker.
"33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you,"
replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop
an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the
old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old
lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique
way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks
the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly
how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well
let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man.
"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple
of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay
then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally
takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!
"How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was
behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
A nun comes out of a building
and hails a cab. The cab driver pulls over and she gets in. He asks her
where she's going and she responds by saying, "I'm headed to 682 West Haven
Road." The cab driver says, "Well that's a long way off. So do you mind
if we talk?" The nun says, "No not at all." The cab driver says, "So sister,
do you ever think of well, you know, doing it?" "Well, yes. The thought
has crossed my mind." Then the cab driver says, "And what would the circumstances
have to be, to do it." The nun says, "Well he would have to be unmarried,
have no children, and be a Christian." "Well this is your lucky day sister.
I'm all those things. You wouldn't have to break any vows or anything,
you'd just have to go down on me." The nun looks out the window and realizes
that they are out in a very rural area and no one was really around to
see them. So the nun hops into the front seat and ten minutes later hops
into the back seat. The cab driver now has a huge ear to ear grin on his
face. And as they arrive at the house he says, "Hey sister I lied to you,
I'm married, I have six kids, and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "Well that's
okay. I lied too. My name is Bob and I'm headed to a costume party."
One day Superman was flying
though the air and was thinking, "Man I gotta get laid," he said to himself.
Just then he saw Wonderwoman laying nude on the beach. So he thought up
a plan. "I'll fly down there, fuck her real fast, fly away, and she'll
never know what hit her," he said. So he flew down real fast, pumped a
couple of times and flew off. Then she sat up and said, "What in the hell
was that." Then the invisible man sat up and said, "I don't know but my
ass sure hurts."
This guy was having an affair
with this girl. He thought he heard her husband pull up so he ripped off
his yellow condom and through it out the window. The woman said, "My husband
won't be home for another 15 minutes." The man went out side and found
the condom and continued making love with her. This kept going on for a
little while. Then he thought he heard her husband outside and again he
ripped off the condom and threw it outside. She said, "He won't be home
for five more minutes." He went outside to get it and found a little kid
holding it. He told the kid to give it back to him. The guy eventually
ended up paying ten dollars to get it back. The kid went home and told
him mom, "I sold a guy a twinkie today for ten dollars, but I made sure
to suck out the filling first!"
Well, after the big bad wolf
had been killed by the woodsman, his cousin, big bad nasty wolf moved into
the forest. Grandmother had heard about him and she warned Little Red Riding
Hood about staying on the path while walking to her house. One day, Mother
prepared freshly baked bread for Little Red Riding Hood to deliver to Grandmother.
On her way, as she skipped down the path, the big bad nasty wolf jumped
out onto the path and said, "Give me the basket of goodies, or I'm going
to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
Immediately, Little Red Riding Hood handed over the basket and took off
running. Mother was very upset with Little Red Riding Hood for not delivering
the basket to Grandmother, even though Little Red Riding Hood didn't tell
Mother what had happened; she thought she could take care of this herself.
She put her father's .38 special inside the basket under the new loaf of
bread. So, the next day, while skipping along the path to Grandmother's
house, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out in front of her and said, "Hand
the basket over, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and
fuck your little red socks off." This time though, Little Red Riding Hood
pulled out the pistol, pointed it straight at the wolf and replied, "But
first, you're going to eat me, like the book says."
It was the mailman's last
day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of
weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on
his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented
him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him
a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had
had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful
for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night,
I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should
do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him
a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A guy goes to a doctor and
says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to
think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the
guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes
things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of
possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells
him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss
was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and
I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple
of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what
I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures
this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your
home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys
stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.
God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes
to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any
hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights
I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."