The Religion Joke Page

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his bedroom and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his bedroom to see if he is okay. Then they find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son what changed your mind about learning math? The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church

Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

Three nuns died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter. He told them that in order to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed. He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam." She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing.....

Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than Church

You get better quality partners by being good at sex than by being good at religion.
Having sex doesn't make you feel guilty.
You don't have to get out of bed to have sex.
Sex is fun.
If someone is yelling at you during sex, you're probably doing it right.
The company is better.
You don't have unwanted observers judging your sincerity.
It is so interesting that you don't fall asleep until afterwards, or not at all.
Sex doesn't have so many rules.
Countries don't make war on each other for their sexual practices.
You don't have to take someone else's word on how to have sex.
The environment is more comfortable.
The memories have a higher rerun value.
You never have doubts that you're actually having sex.
Even when it's bad, it's good.
You'll never waste an afternoon arguing with someone over whether their sex life is better than yours.
You won't be ostracized for not having sex.
You don't have to worry about whether you've chosen the right kind of sex.
They don't pass around collection plates in bed.
You won't be eternally tortured in flames for not having sex, not having enough sex, or being bad at sex.
Singing is optional during sex.
You don't have to dress up for sex.
You can hope for a second coming without 2,000 years of effort.
In the throes of sexual passion, one can cry out, "Oh God! God!", but in a church service one can not cry out, "Oh Sex! Oh Sex!"

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was St. Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything else which you may desire?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which record the actual prophecies of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming memories over time." St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celebrate, not celibate!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Computers and God

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into confession. The first one goes up to the priest and says: "Bless me father, for I have seen a man's penis" The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her to splash her eyes with the holy water, and all will be forgiven. The next nun comes up and says: "I have sinned as well father... I've touched a man's penis" The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that she should wash her hands with the holy water. The priest then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees them fighting to see who will go next. He gets up and asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies. "Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water after she sat in it"

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.

So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordly powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger.

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?"

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.

So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.

"Must be those holes in your feet," Moses responded.

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".

5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The Boys".

7. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick the shit out of him."

8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook".

9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".

10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s. There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."