This is the point where everything in the story finally comes together, everything changes. Don’t you love it? Witnessing the eventual climax of the past? Witnessing the results of frivolous decision making? A life is full of choices, and whether people like it or not, every choice has a consequence. If only our leading characters had realized this, then maybe they wouldn’t have made most of their choices with just a wave of the hand or a quick thought.
Now, they must suffer the consequences.
And so must everyone around them.
The backyard of the Harlass household is a quaint affair, although large enough for a pool area, a grassy patch, and a barbecue. For this particular night, lights and chinese lanterns have been hung up and the stereo has been brought outside. The guests dance, eat, laugh, and play games. The party is in full effect.
JC stands in the middle of the action, talking with a man with braids and Justin. When his friends are not around, JC normally stands off to the side, avoiding the rest of the people, not because he’s shy, but because he’s not interested in anyone else in attendance.
“Where is Lance?” he asks, taking a sip of his drink.
“Off sulking,” Chris Kirkpatrick, the man with the braids, replies. “Still traumatized over the last break-up.”
“Still?” Justin questioned.
“As usual.” Chris hit his friend. “Where’s this mysterious Karen I keep hearing about?”
Justin grimaced. “She’s coming with Joey and Sita.”
“Sita! God, I’ve wanted to meet this girl. You know how much praise Joey gives her? JC, have you met her?”
JC just shook his head.
“So when are they coming?”
“I’m not sure,” Justin said. “Did you invite Kalika?”
JC nodded. “She’s busy.”
“Who is that?” Chris asked.
“Sita’s sister.”
“Sister! Hello, where the hell have I been? Why have you people left me out of the stash?”
“Stash?” Justin raised an eyebrow. “Tasteful vocabulary there Christopher.”
“Just tell me there’s another sister in the mix.”
“There is,” Justin grinned, “She’s…two, I think.”
Chris rolled his eyes. “Wonderful.”
Laughing, Justin’s eyes were pulled in the direction of the sliding doors that led into the backyard. As if by radar, his body sensed the presence of the girl entering, clad in a blue summer dress with matching purse and sandal’s. A contemptuous grin tugged on the corner of his mouth. “Here they come.”
~~
Sita held Joey’s hand as he pulled her through the ordinary household and towards the backyard. A strange uneasiness had been with her the entire day, pulling at her stomach and making her jumpy. It wasn’t like she felt sick. It was as if she had injected a vile of excitement and nervousness into her bloodstream. Even Joey, who normally made her feel much more calm and relaxed, was not helping her.
A large amount of noise drifted in through the sliding glass doors and Sita sighed. She was not looking forward to attending the excursion, but it meant so much to Joey, that she didn’t have the will to tell him no. Although, she couldn’t remember telling him that she would go.
The thing was, she didn’t feel like doing anything anymore. Before, it didn’t occur to her to mind going to events and gatherings, she just went, it’s what was expected of her. She hadn’t minded, she hadn’t given it any thought. Now, she thought about herself, if going there was what she did want, if smiling and being cheerful really did make her happy. She had always just presumed herself to be glad and happy. Recently, however, she found herself wondering just what happiness was and if she had ever truly felt it. She wondered if she had ever truly felt anything.
She had felt though. With him, that forbidden face, she felt too much. She saw too much of the world. She felt too much of herself. She wanted to feel too much of him. It was better like this. It was better to sacrifice her soul in order to keep her sanity. It was better to become deaf than to hear his music. It was better to accept her life as it was than to have the knowledge of what it could have been.
It was better, wasn’t it?
The sound of sliding doors opening caused her to look up. Karen was ahead of them, walking towards a group of men who stood in the midst of the partygoers that consisted of teenagers and young adults. The backyard was filled to capacity and people even swam in the pool, although they were fully clothed.
Justin had seen Karen as well, and moved a couple of steps himself to grab her waist and pull her close. “It’s about time.”
“Did you miss me slick?”
“Never.”
Joey leaned in closer to her. “They’re at it again. Hey, there’s Chris and JC.”
At the mention of the name, she looked towards where Joey was pointing. Then she froze.
It was ridiculous to see him standing there, but then again not. She had always associated him with lots of movement, and there was plenty happening around him. He was the solid figure in what was now a blur around her, those blue eyes the only thing keeping her from falling. He was looking straight at her. His face revealed nothing but his eyes told her more than she needed to know.
She forgot everything around her, including the man still holding her hand. She didn’t remember the name or the stories associated with him, she didn’t even remember that he and Joey knew each other. How could they know each other? He was hers, he was her secret, her pleasurable sin in the world. He did not exist for them, only for her. There was no one else except them.
Then something was pulling her towards him.
“Come on, you’ve always wanted to meet JC,” Joey, oblivious Joey, was saying. Did he see it in her face? Did he see that she already knew JC, even before she had known him? The answer was simply no. How could anyone know?
Certainly not by JC’s face. He was still looking at her but there was no flash of recognition or friendly smile to greet her. Just a polite, cold mask with sapphire gems.
“Hey guys.”
JC looked away from her and at Joey. “Hey Joe.”
Chris said nothing, his eyes on her, his mouth hanging open. Her eyes stayed on JC.
“Where have you been?” JC asked, bringing the cup to his lips, ignoring her.
“Karen has this odd talent of being late, no matter how early we leave.”
“I call it fashionably late,” Karen said. “And how rude you are. Both of you,” she looked at Justin, “for not introducing us girls to your friends.”
“Karen this is Chris and that’s JC. Guys, this is the vixen. Now can we dance?”
“And this,” Joey was saying proudly, “Is Sita.”
Now he would say it. He would reveal to them both that he knew her and then he would take her away from the insanity of the situation. He would save her from her life and tell her it was all a dream and now that she was awake he would show her what reality was like.
He bowed his head politely to her, glancing at her quickly, saying nothing more than, “Hi.”
“Hello,” she heard herself say. “Lovely to finally meet you, JC?”
“Yes. I’ve heard a lot about you Sita. From Joey, that is.”
She closed her eyes and reopened them to face the other. “Nice to meet you to Chris.”
“Whoa,” Chris breathed.
“You want to get something to drink?” Joey asked her.
“Sure.” She did not look at him again but she could feel him watching her. They walked away but the heat of his eyes touched her skin and caused her to shiver with something that was both fear and joy. She had gone through so much to get rid of him but she was happy that he was back.
Joey handed her a plastic cup filled with red punch. Yes, he was back, the skeleton in her closet that refused to go away, and she was glad. But there was pain associated with his return, as there always was when she thought of him, because now, with the validity of his existence came the destruction of the option of any chance of them being together. She was seeing his friend, his groupmate, and he...
She almost choked on her drink as the image of a smiling face came back to her. Kalika. He was Kalika’s wonder man, he was the source of her sister’s newfound happiness. “Joey, I think I’m going to sit down.”
“Are you feeling well?” he asked with a genuine concern on his face that she wanted to laugh at. He shouldn’t be concerned for her. He shouldn’t want anything to do with her. He should have despised her.
“No, I’m fine. I just want to sit.”
Joey left her near the far end of the pool, on a flower printed lawn chair in a dark corner. She surveyed the crowd before her, finding him instantly, and looking away. The thing between them, whatever it was, had been tainted by finally knowing his name. Her misery covered her body like a sticky, clear film and she resisted the urge to jump into the lighted water in front of her and cleanse herself.
“Hello.”
She looked up to see a strange boy watching her. “Yes?”
“I just came over to introduce myself.” He extended his hand. “I’m Lance.”
“Sita,” she said, lifting her hand to shake his.
“Nice to finally meet you.” He sat down on the floor next to her. “Joey never stops talking about you.”
Her voice was strained and distant. “He doesn’t?”
“No way. It’s insane cause Joey…let’s just say, Joey isn’t normally like that. He’s normally the one getting on my case for being like that.”
“Like what?”
He leaned forward and looked down timidly, a shy form taking over his features. Her attention was sidetracked to how quiet he was, his very position disinclined and somewhat bashful.
“You aren’t part of the group, are you?” she inquired.
A modest grin broke on his mouth. “Hard to tell, isn’t it?”
“Slightly.”
“I guess I just don’t fit the perfect mold for a pop singer. I’m trying though.”
“Don’t try to hard. I think I like you better without the mold.”
A hint of bashfulness entered his cheeks. “What about you? You look like a great contestant for fame and fortune.”
“I’ve got a little of both in my life. I don’t require anymore.”
“Why are you sitting here by yourself?”
“I’m not here by myself anymore though, am I?”
“I guess not. You don’t want to go out there and dance? I could introduce you to some people. Have you met the guys?”
She faced forward. “I’ve met them.”
“Oh.” His green eyes turned to the side. They landed on Justin and Karen. “That’s your friend with Justin, right?”
“That’s Karen.”
“You want to explain to me what’s going on in that relationship?”
Her lips cracked into a grin. “How long have you got?”
During the entire conversation she had been aware of JC, even though she refused to grant her eyes the delight of looking directly at him. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a figure slicing through the party and saw him exit the backyard and go around the house.
“Excuse me.” She was standing before she had a chance to think. Rushing across the length of the yard, she slowed her pace down when she reached the side pathway of the house. There was no lighting and she held onto the wall of the house to balance her along her way. The noise of the party diminished in volume as a single streetlight came into view. A wooden gate blocked her escape and she opened it, the rusty hinges squeaking under the pressure of her fingertips. Carefully, she stepped out, onto the driveway.
The street before her looked as though a radioactive bomb had hit it. Not a single living being could be seen. No houses could be distinguished. There was only a clump of dark shadows, empty cars, and the sight of dead leaves sprinkled along the pavement, visible under the circular marks left by the streetlights up above. How could he have disappeared, she thought. He’s gone and yet I can still feel him surrounding me.
“Looking for someone?”
She whirled around and saw a tall, slim figure leaning against the garage. The majority of his body was lit up by the faded orange glow of a streetlight, his form straight and his posture languid. His face was blanketed by the darkness, although she could still make out the outline of all of his features, either by sight or by memory, she wasn’t sure which one. He had a peaceful yet mocking grin on his face.
She took a step forward. “You’re JC?”
“And you are Sita. Looks like we finally know each others name.”
“Did you know all along?”
“No.”
“You weren’t surprised to see me.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Why?”
“I would have seen you again eventually.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“I think you know.”
She did, but pretended otherwise. “You’re seeing my sister.”
“I’ve seen her, yes.”
“My sister and I look so much alike. Sometimes people think we’re almost twins. How could you not know beforehand?”
His shoulders lifted in a shrug. “I didn’t notice your face before, I guess.”
She took another step towards him. “How can you be so calm?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
She thought that she hated him. She hated herself even more for having to ask her next question. “This situation doesn’t bother you then? You don’t care that I’m with Joey and that you and my sister…?”
He laughed and took his own step to approach her. The light shown clearly on his face now, the shadows nestling into each curve and line on the refined head. “Was Joey the one you were talking about before? You aren’t with Joey. He’s just your excuse for me. You aren’t scared about hurting him, you’re scared about the way I’m making you see the world.”
“How would you know?”
“It’s so apparent, especially now that I know who you are. The great Sita Perne, the perfect daughter, the girl that meets everyone’s expectations. Or should I say, the girl that does everything everyone expects of her and absolutely nothing for herself. I don’t need to know your name to know who you are and what you are. I don’t need to explain to you what I see when I look at you because you’re already starting to feel it, aren’t you?”
Sita did not trust herself enough to answer him, to try and deny everything he was saying to her. He kept watching her, his eyes filling the silence with words that were better left unspoken. Finally, she said, “You care very much for Joey, don’t you?”
The amusement on his face vanished and a brief flash of sorrow shown. “Yes.”
“And I love my sister, more than anything and anyone.”
“What do you think is going on between your sister and I?”
“You’re not…you’re not interested in her?”
“No,” he said, a strange expression of endearment entering his eyes. “How could you think that? I’m as interested in her about as much as you’re interested in Joey.”
“I care very much for Joey,” she said. “There are no questions with him, everything doesn’t have to be so intense. We aren’t based on a couple of estranged meetings at a bus stop. He’s real and actually capable of feeling emotions. He isn’t cruel and ignorant and entirely self-absorbed. He doesn’t force people to earn his friendship, he gives it out willingly and kindly, he understands what it means to be human.” She wasn’t speaking of him anymore, her words were coming from the stories she had heard now, she was talking about the man she had assumed JC Chasez to be before she had known who he actually was. It was a weak attempt at separating herself from him, of showing him that the intimacy they had experienced before had long since faded from her memory.
He listened to her without interrupting. He didn’t need to interrupt. After she had finished his glance told her alone that what she had said had changed nothing. He didn’t need to say anymore.
He said, “Then why aren’t you in the backyard right now, with him?”
She stormed over to the gate, forcefully pushing it open and walked back down the dark pathway back to the party. JC leaned back on the garage, watching a pair of dry, brown leaves dance under a streetlight.
~~
There were five in the studio that day.
The normal fun, playful environment that associated itself to them was not present that day, pushed aside by the seriousness in the air that was like a poisonous gas seeping in through the ventilators. JC looked around to each face and recognized an element in himself that was shared within the group. People wondered why it was these four in specific that he was open to, that he put above all others.
The answer was simple. They all loved music for the reason of making music. Although not as fanatical about it as he was, they shared his love for it and they understood his passion. There was a tangible bond that tied them together and he knew that no one else was on the same wavelength as him than these four. They knew how to solve the problems in his songs, they knew the kind of music he wanted to make and that he was capable of doing it, and they knew how to help. Their voices combined created the perfect harmony that JC had in mind and he could figure out how to manipulate the sounds he needed from the five options he had.
Around an hour ago, he had gathered them into the room and revealed the problems he had been running into concerning the producers, the label, and the enemy shared between them, Lou.
“That bastard,” Chris exclaimed from the couch. “How dare he threaten you. How dare he say he has control over us, like we’re his personal slaves that he can order around.”
Justin leaned forward from where he was seated. “Guys, this is getting ridiculous. We’ve put up with the schedule. We’ve put up with the little to nothing paychecks. We’ve put up with the labeling. I don’t think there’s much more I can put up with anymore.”
“I agree,” Joey said.
“This is all around bad business,” Lance added. “I refuse to go through another record like this. They’re just going to keep exploiting us and holding onto the reigns of our careers.”
“And I won’t do anymore of their music,” JC said. “I can’t stand the hypocrisy of being demanded to sing but not having my voice really heard.”
“I think we all want to start making and singing our music, not the stuff assigned to us,” Justin said. “If Lou sets up that meeting and you decide not to go JC, I’ll stand by you.”
The others unanimously agreed.
JC nodded without smiling. It was as much as a thank you as anyone expected.
~~
Sita walked around the vast acres of land listlessly, passing a tennis court here, a swimming pool there, the sun basking her form, the rays lacing her hair in a shiny gold. Occasionally her hand would reach out to touch a petal of a perfect flower with fingers that did not feel the silk as comforting but instead as a hopeless pain. She moved on, caressing more flowers, clinging onto the pain to cover up another emotion that was on the brink of choking her.
Joey had called her earlier, but she had cut the conversation short in order to spare herself. He spoke with excitement about the studio meeting he and his group had had that day.
“It’s great,” he said, “We’re like a unit. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like a real group with them, especially JC.”
“He was there?” she had asked, hoping to have masked her jealousy. Joey was able to see JC. For Joey, it was allowed.
“Yea, he’s the one that summoned us together. That’s what was really nice about it. I’ll admit, although it’s no secret, I’ve been having trouble with JC recently, but today I really felt like his friend, like he trusted me enough to tell me something that’s so personal to him. Not only that. I felt like I could trust him too.”
She hadn’t been listening. Instead, she had kept herself concentrated on holding back from asking what JC had been wearing, what he had looked like exactly, if he had smiled or not, anything to help construct the mental image in her mind. Knowing who he was and that she could talk to him at any time she wished was haunting her and driving her insane. Whether he was as tortured as she, was not relevant. The only thing that mattered was that she wanted and breathed to see him again, and that she had to make herself learn to live without him. It was now a goal she had.
Her shallow happiness that she had known all her life was no longer satisfying or even reality. That aching in her stomach for him was real, that shiver that ran through her skin whenever he came to mind was real, and there was no hope for her to pretend otherwise.
It was also futile to pretend that Kalika had decided to spend an extra couple of days at the mansion because she wanted to spend time with her family.
On a bench that screamed old Italy, sat a taught young woman reading a book. Sita approached her curiously. “Hello Kal.”
“Oh, good afternoon Sita.” She placed the book on her lap and moved aside. “Join me, would you?”
Sita sat down. “How are you?”
“Wonderful. It’s a beautiful day, don’t you agree?”
“I haven’t really noticed it, I suppose.”
“How ridiculous when there’s sun surrounding you on all sides. It’s odd Sita, how the sun seems to cling onto you.” She laughed with a childlike freedom. “How silly I am. It’s so hard to be serious on days like these though.”
“Your good mood isn’t just caused by the weather though, is it Kal?”
Kalika smiled. “You know me to well, even though I know I’m not acting as I normally do. I can’t help it. He’s captured me in the most unoriginal, girlish way imaginable, he’s completely taken over. I couldn’t possibly imagine how this world could function without him living in it. Do I sound horrible Sita? Please, stop me if this is becoming redundant to you.”
Sita shook her head. “No. Keep going.”
Her sister’s words were like a sharpened knife stabbing and twisting into her. She could almost feel herself bleeding, feel the pain of the wounds that had little chance of healing. It was unbearable, but she made herself bear it because it was the only way she felt justified. It was the punishment she deserved and she would endure every minute of it.
After her sister had finished, Sita sat still, trying to prevent the next question from escaping her lips. She couldn’t restrain her curiosity. “Do you love him Kal?”
There was hope that the answer was not as Sita had expected. The hope was murdered seconds later.
Kalika innocently grinned, unaware of the agony she imposed on her beloved sister. “Of course I do.”