Surveying the dark hallway she and Lance walked down, she wondered just what she was doing in a studio. He had asked her to come with him, and at the time it seemed like a good idea. She was starting to get restless in the spacious apartment. Now she thought about it and contemplated what she was going to do here that she couldn't have done at his home.
What she really wanted was to go out and find a club, maybe Shock Syndrome, and experience the popular night life Florida had to offer. Clubbing was like her favorite drug and she was starting to go through withdrawals and needed her fix fast. She was feeling better anyway, she had always been a fast healer, and the only thing really bothering her was that pain on her ribs and at present, how her faced looked. But the pain she could easily ignore and she had often gone out with marks and cuts on her face. There was no one she was trying to impress.
She followed her host as he walked into one of the many doors lining the hallway where she saw Justin and JC waiting. The studio was large but exactly what she had pictured a studio to be like. It was made up of two rooms, a window shared between them so the occupants of the first room could view the person singing in the second one. A large 'N Sync poster that covered the back wall was the only unique thing in the two rooms. The thing that made the poster truly eccentric was the darts stuck in various members.
"I can explain that," Lance said, seeing her eye the picture. "I swear we're not as sadistic as it seems. The studio gets cramped and hot, which are two elements that boost a third, frustration. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"No," she answered, actually more confused than ever.
"See, when one tries to create a song, everyone has their own opinion about it, and sometimes it gets other people mad. To let out the anger, we throw darts at whomever is pissing us off the most."
A look of understanding dawned on her face and she looked back at the poster. Lance's section of the poster only had three darts on it, while on the other end, Justin's clearly had the most, his image barely recognizable through the countless stabs it had received.
"I'm not the only one Justin likes to annoy," Lance said next to her.
"Do it again," JC said into a microphone, his command directed to Justin who was standing in the second room, earphones in place and a piece of white paper in his hand. It was apparent that neither of the boys had registered Lance and Hazel's entrance.
Justin began humming a soft melody, but his eyes, which had been half closed, caught sight of Hazel and he abruptly stopped. "Hey guys!"
"Justin!" JC let out an annoyed groan.
"Sorry, sorry."
JC rolled his eyes and looked back at them. "Hey guys. It's nice to see you again Hazel."
She just nodded uninterestedly.
"What's going on?" Lance asked approaching the other and looking over the sheets handed to him. "This doesn't look to bad."
"The process would be going a lot quicker if," JC spoke into the microphone, "someone would stop goofing around and stay focused."
Justin shot him a look. "Yea JC. Where has your mind been all night?"
"I swear to God I'm going to kill him," JC grumbled, searching through drawers for something. "Where in the hell is a dart?"
Lance chuckled and hit JC's arm to get his attention back on the papers before them. "I don't get this part right here."
"Yea, that's one we've been trying to work out."
"Which one?" Justin asked. "Is it line 3 in the chorus?"
"Yea," Lance said. "Try that one. In fact, do the whole chorus, would you?"
Justin nodded and started to prepare himself, waiting for JC to press the button which would start up the music.
Tell me what you want
I'll be it.
Darling it's anything you want.
Look no more.
Just let me stay the night.
I'll sleep on the floor.
Tell me what you see
I'll see it.
Even if it's invisible
Too everyone.
I think you know that I can see you girl
Don't fight it love.
(Ultimate Fakebook)
She took a step back and began zoning out as she had a habit of doing. Random thoughts sprung into her mind. How were Karen and Sita? Did they realize she was even gone? Was anyone looking for her? She wondered if anyone had rented out her apartment yet, and hoped that no one had. It was truly a terrible place and she didn't want anyone living there that didn't deserve a fate worse than death. Especially with all that green fungus growing everywhere.
That was just in the dream.
She shook her head and moved on. She had no choice but to think about how Jared was doing, if that giant, gasoline-carrying truck had run him over yet like she had been hoping for. He deserved a fate worse than death, but her apartment didn't deserve to have the burden of him living there. And then, as it often did, her thought process stopped and she was left to blankly gaze around the room, trying to find herself something to get preoccupied in.
It puzzled her that her eyes randomly turned to Lance. She liked Lance. There was something about him, a certain bashfulness mixed together with a professional yet friendly manner, that drew her too him. He personified warmth, those piercing green eyes like an emerald fire, and she could easily allow herself become a moth to the flame. Her mind chewed over the idea of what that would be like, to allow herself to become dependent on someone. What would it be like if she removed that outer shell and let Lance in…
She mentally laughed the thought away into oblivion. What had just happened there? She never let herself become too emotionally involved with someone, partly because she never allowed herself to become emotional about anything. Why was she suddenly considering Lance as a likely candidate for an experiment she didn't even want to test out? What was in the water in Florida?
"Hazel?"
Blinking, she brought herself out of her thoughts and saw Lance looking at her, those green eyes concerned. "Hmm?"
"You ok?"
"Fine."
He stepped away from JC and moved closer to her. "Sorry for dragging you down here. You must be bored out of your mind."
"I'm ok," she reassured him.
He kept his eyes on her and said, "No, we'll go. We're almost done here anyway."
"Yea," JC added. "We've worked through most of the song. Justin and I can finish the rest up tonight."
"Whatever," Hazel muttered with a shrug.
Lance exchanged good-byes with the others and they said their farewells to her as well, which she responded by a single wave of her arm to both of them. Minutes later they were walking back down the dim hallway, towards Lance's economical Jetta. She felt a shade guilty for seeming to cause him to leave his friends before the job was done, and that was odd. Normally she could care less one way or the other, totally apathetic to anyone and everyone.
This night has been full of surprises.
"So what next?" he asked as they got into the car.
She shrugged again - she was a fan of using the shrug method to answer most if not all questions directed her way - and let her gaze go their usual route towards the window.
"You tired?"
"Not really."
He was silent for a couple of minutes, which wouldn't have bothered her, except the car was still remaining motionless. With a look of puzzlement she glanced his way and saw his eyes distant. Then, out of nowhere, a smile slowly spread across his face.
"What?"
He looked at her and then shook his head to face forward again. "Nothing."
"No," she said, finding his answer unusual. "Tell me. Why are you smiling?"
Again he turned in her direction and he gave her a quick inspection. "No," he repeated, "You're not ready."
"Ready for what?" He didn't answer and she hit his arm lightly. "Lance, what am I not ready for?"
"No," he playfully remained hesitant to reveal to her this insight he had managed to stumble upon within the past couple of minutes, "I don't think you're ready."
"I'm ready," she said sternly, her curiosity taking control. "Tell me."
"You think you're ready?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
She was starting to get frustrated. "I'm positive. Tell me."
He acted as if he were about to, but then held back, deciding to remain indignant. "No, I really don't think you're ready."
"Lance!" She playfully hit him again but harder.
He laughed and shielded off another of her attacks. "Ok, ok. I'll take you."
"Take me where?"
"You'll see." He started the car and was about to put it in drive, when he paused. "But I really don't think you're ready."
"Drive now!" she exclaimed and he laughed once more.
~~
She couldn't believe it. She honestly could not believe her eyes and ears for that matter.
"You took me to a Western bar?"
It was a small bar and dancing hall where people in boots and cowboy hats passed by her and filled up the place. A bright jukebox played some hoe-down song through the place and she was preparing herself to stumble upon a group of people line dancing spastically before her.
"It's a country bar, for your information," he said, taking her hand and leading her to the bar. They ordered their drinks and then took a seat right next to the dance floor to watch the couples past by.
"Do you go here often?" she asked.
"Not really. It's just somewhere to go."
"It is...um..." she took a look around, "different. I wonder what Joey would do at a place like this."
He grinned, but a hint of sorrow entered his expression and he kept his eyes on the drink. "Actually, I've never taken him here. Any of them for that matter."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I just don't think they'd be interested in a place like this."
"And you thought I would?" she asked, meaning it as a joke.
"Ok, let me rephrase that. I didn't have any interest in taking them here, how's that? Do you think I'm a complete freak now? Are you ready to go running back to New Orleans, screaming about the crazy, dart throwing country maniac?"
She smiled. However, it evaporated and she looked him straight in the eye. "No."
He held her gaze and slowly got picked up in a sea of dewy hazel, the color reminding him of the tall grassy field by the magical mansion she had run to that first night. As usual, her eyes left his first but this time he kept watching her and in that single instant the pity he had instilled with her image left his mind. Now he could no longer hold that as an excuse to hide behind. These feelings he had for her were in no way associated with pity, he knew it ran much deeper than that. All of the things Justin had said in the car were starting to piece themselves together in his mind.
Still, even as these revelations hit him like wave after wave, he tried to fight it. He didn't want that. It would just end up like all the rest had, that he was sure of, and he didn't want to lose Hazel. He was almost certain he wouldn't be able to let her go as easily as he had done all the rest.
It was all coming to him as he sat there. He loved making her smile and laugh, treasuring these gifts that he knew she rarely gave out. Whenever she had that far away look in her eyes he couldn't stop watching her, as if he too was getting caught up in her lost moment even though he had no idea what she was thinking. Her mystery and quiet cloaked her and made her all the more intriguing and alluring. She was much too stubborn, but he knew it went along with her strong and independent personality. That routine face she held, the blend of boredom and blankness, no longer represented that too him. Now he thought of it as a look of waiting. Waiting for someone to show her that she was a somebody, that she was special, even if it was just to one person.
The thing that he adored most about her, though, was her ability to listen. Even if she didn't comprehend exactly what he was saying or where he was coming from, she tried to. And somehow he knew she understood him on some level, and that's all he had ever wanted.
I don't want this. Haven't I learned yet, relationships are not an option for me yet. Especially with her.
He couldn't shake the feeling that if he did try to start something with her, he would be taking advantage of her. She had trusted him, called him in her time of need, and he couldn't misuse that. She sought out his protection and maybe friendship but nothing more and he had to respect her. No matter what kind of strange feelings he was coming to face with in the country bar.
"So.." Hazel didn't understand why Lance was being so quiet. "What's up?"
"Not much. What's up with you?"
"Nothing." Her eyes started to follow a couple on the dance floor. "As usual."
"Do you miss New Orleans?"
Nodding, she said "Yea. But, I mean, it's just a place. It's not like I have any reason to miss it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well...it's like who cares if I miss it? Nothing great happened to me there, nothing great will happen to me anywhere. So what's the point in missing anything? It doesn't matter." That impenetrable expression formed her face, but a small wistful gleam entered her eyes, still roaming with the couple dancing. "It's pointless to bother with stuff like that. At least, with me it is."
Was she opening up to him? Lance couldn't help like feeling as if this was his chance to break past that quiet exterior of hers. "Why is it pointless with you?"
"Because, I don't think I really exist. Nobody even sees me." She suddenly stopped watching the couple, her eyes meetings his quickly and then looking down, as if she had just let some great secret escape her lips.
"Hazel..."
"Just forget it," she snapped, not rudely, but protectively. He could almost see her crawling back into the shell and hiding herself in an artificial darkness she created for herself. He wanted her to open up to him, but also knew that if he pushed it, he'd be pushing her farther into herself and away from him, so he said nothing.
"Can we go back now?" she asked a little bit later.
Having no reason to stay, he agreed and they left the bar.
~~
She likes to keep to herself,
But I would also love to keep her.
She may sleep all alone.
She's not the only lonely sleeper.
- The Impossibles
It was around 5 in the morning and Lance couldn't sleep. He lay back on his couch just watching the wall, as if the solid object above would magically change at any moment. The insomnia puzzled him; normally Lance could sleep anywhere that had a flat surface, and sometimes not even that. He had a busy day tomorrow, he had busy tomorrows pretty much everyday, and he knew that if he didn't begin sleeping at least now he would be a walking zombie.
The trouble, as usual, was that he was thinking too much again.
I bet it must be nice to just sleep in sometimes. To not have to worry about getting exactly 7 hours of sleep every night just to make sure you don't have circles or dark patches under your eyes. Nobody wants to see a sleepy superstar.
The simplicity of his daydreams was starting to annoy and worry him. Nobody in their right mind should be hoping that someday they'd have bags under their eyes. He didn't even mind waking up to a day full of activity, it was just, sometimes, he wanted that normal life more than he could stand.
After twenty more minutes of tossing and turning he was finally starting to drift off to sleep when he heard screaming coming from down the hallway.
"Let me go!"
His attention was alert instantly, but he remained still, as if he was trying to make sure it was real. Then, after another cry, he jumped up and ran straight for the bedroom. Shoving the door open he saw Hazel laying in the bed, her arms flailing about, as if to fight off some invisible attacker.
"Get away! Get away!"
Rushing to her side, he steadily tried shaking her awake, but she pushed him away. The distracting thing was how she wouldn't stop screaming, a full, hair-raising scream.
"Get out of my head! Leave me alone! Stop it! Help me! Stop!"
"Hazel! Hazel, wake-up!"
Suddenly her eyes flew open and she shot up, panting like crazy. She seemed to still be in her dream for a minute and it took awhile before she realized that she was safe now, inside his bedroom. He sat on the bed, noticing her visibly shaking frame, and took her sweat-drenched body in his arms to try to sooth her nerves.
"It was just a nightmare. You're awake now, back in the real world. It was just a nightmare."
"Just a nightmare," she repeated, taking quick, harsh breaths.
They remained like that, him holding her, even after she had calmed down. His arms normally began to tire from holding a girl so long, but this time it didn't. It was strange, but he felt like he could hold her forever, just like that, and never grow tired of it. She was incredibly light...but that wasn't it. There was something else...
She yawned and removed herself from his embrace to lay back down. "Sorry."
"For what?"
She shrugged and turned her face towards the window. "Waking you up."
"It's ok." He sat back comfortably on the edge of the bed, although it was clear that she was waiting for him to leave. He just didn't feel like going back to that couch again and try to make himself go to sleep. Instead, he stayed sitting there, watching columns of light from the cars passing shine over the room. "I was thinking about that stuff you said tonight."
"What did I say?" she asked drowsily, her eyelids already weighing down to cover her eyes.
"All about how no one would care if you missed something. Or about how you feel like nobody sees you, like you don't exist. I know how you don't like people telling you how to live your life, and trust me, that's not what I'm trying to do. I just wanted you to know that people know you exist and they see you and….and, you are there. And it shouldn't matter what people think anyway, why let other thoughts determine what you are in life or what you deserve in life? No matter what society deems as special or talented or worthy that week, no one lives your life except you. Everyone's special, everyone deserves everything the world has to offer them. At least I think so."
He stopped thinking out loud and took notice of the girl with her eyes closed next to him. He smiled and bent down to kiss her forehead tenderly, whispering in her ear, "I think you deserve everything beautiful."
Then he stood up, stopped by the door to take one last look at her, and left the bedroom.
~~
When the bedroom door shut Hazel reopened her eyes and stared at it. She had heard everything and for once in her life, she was starting to process all the words he had said in her mind. She never did go back to sleep that night.