How do you do it
And make it seem effortless
When it’s all the stupid things
That are so overwhelming to me.
Like paying my bills
Or showing up for work early
Or laughing at your jokes.
Why do you do it
And make it seem delicate
When it’s all the stupid things
That are so damn confusing to me.
Like talking it through
Or controlling my temper
Like letting you go
Or saying please forgive me
For laughing at your jokes.
I have no idea what’s been going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things
- Rilo Kiley
Later on, after returning from a party, Hazel stepped out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam following her. She was squeezing her short, wet hair out onto a yellow towel, putting no thought into the task or anything else in particular. The walls in the apartment were thin and she could hear Lance talking on the phone in the recreational room next to her. She heard the sound but it didn’t register in her mind, nothing was registering. She was just a body drying her hair.
Then she stopped drying it abruptly.
She was still standing, the towel was still in her hair, but she had frozen and her eyes came alive, casting long, absorbing stares at the room surrounding her. A rush of thoughts sprung upon her, each following the other in a quick succession, before her mind had any time to respond or answer. How did she come to this? How had her life brought her to that room, to the situation she was in now? Just a couple of weeks ago she had lived in a nothing apartment, with a nothing job, living a nothing life, and now...now what? She was in college. The idea was ludicrous, but it was real.
Feeling accompanied the thoughts, and that was even more startling to her. She was actually scared but at the same time mildly excited about the prospect of going to her classes. It was crazy; she had always hated school. Now, however, she was entertained and hopeful at the idea. She cared about things now, about where her life went, about the people in her life now and the people she missed in her old life. She could feel her life changing, going somewhere, and that in itself was the most shocking thing. Long ago she had accepted the stalemate of her existence and now everything was different. She was different.
How did it happen?
She dropped her arm holding the towel and sighed in frustration, a feeling of confusion now tingling in her brain. She had to figure something out, she needed to talk to someone. Throwing the damp cloth onto the bed, she exited the room.
~~
It’s just like you to contest
You wear it like a label on your breast
Don’t you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
With your charm and in your pride
A hopeful look draped in despise.
I wanna give you
Whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I wanna give you
Whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?
It’s hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you.
It’s hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped
into you.
There’s got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the farther I fall.
Well you don’t mind me being headstrong.
But you don’t want to sing along.
Maybe it’s trite but I can’t always,
Always
Always be wrong.
- Dashboard Confessional
The phone lay unenthusiastically on Lance’s ear as he listened to Johnny Wright explain to him why he had to go to California for the next three days. In the beginning of the conversation Lance had almost been tempted to hang the phone up in his manager’s face and unplug it. Sometimes the world came knocking at the wrong times. He knew he couldn’t avoid the conversation or the situation for much longer, so remained holding the phone in place.
“It’s only going to be for three days. These producers are extremely important for the next record,” Johnny was saying.
“These are the ones we want?”
“Most definitely. Everyone in the industry has been raving about them; we can’t lose this opportunity to at least meet with them. Trust me, in about a week they’ll be completely out of our reach.”
Lance yawned quietly. “JC’s ok with them?”
“He’s the one who brought them to my attention.”
That cemented the trip. JC would be producing most of the next record and had been on the prowl for the right producers to work with, to improve upon his work. He had always been optimistic about help, always eager to learn new things. If the guys in California were the ones JC wanted, they were going to be on the next record.
It bothered him how the thought of Hazel kept nagging on his judgement. Of course she couldn’t come with him, she had classes. Besides, it wasn’t like he was going to be away from her for that long, just three days. She would be more than fine with staying at their apartment for a couple of days on her own and he would…he would be fine without her. He had to be.
Funny how he now referred to the place as their apartment.
Just then the door to the room opened and the girl entered the room, moving immediately towards the other end of the couch he was sitting on and sitting patiently down. She said nothing, waiting until his conversation was over to even look at him.
“There’s no problem is there Lance?” Johnny asked.
“None,” Lance answered. “Three days isn’t that long anyway, right?”
Johnny grinned on the other end of the phone. While the others (besides JC) had whined and complained, Lance was totally compliant and willing. He knew what had to be done, he was indeed the business man of the group. “Right. You’ll be at the airport around midnight tomorrow?”
“I’ll be there.”
“See you then.”
“Bye.” He hung up the phone, pausing a moment to run his fingers over the rubber buttons before placing it beside him. Adamantly he turned his gaze to her. Her hair was a dark blond, the wet strands sticking to the sides of her face and her eyes were much more alert than usual. Other than that her body remained still, her arms limp at her side and her shoulders relaxed.
“If you’re busy,” she said, breaking the silence, “I can wait until you’re done.”
“No, it’s ok. What’s up?”
She shrugged. “Just thinking. You know, about the college thing and stuff.”
“You’re not having second doubts, are you?” he asked, concerned. “I hope I didn’t pressure you into something you weren’t ready for.”
“No, that’s not it. It’s the opposite in fact. That’s what’s weird. I feel like I’m ready for it, like I’ve been ready for it for awhile and never knew it.” She forced a smile and shook her head. “I don’t even know what I’m saying. Nothing makes sense anymore.”
He moved until he was directly beside her, inspecting her face. “What doesn’t make sense?”
She kept her eyes down. “I feel so different. Never would I have pictured myself taking a college course, a child development course at that. I didn’t know I liked kids. I didn’t know I liked anything.” Looking at his close face, catching his eyes with her own, she said, “But now I feel things differently, I care about things. You probably don’t notice it, but I do. And it’s so strange but at the same time…relieving.”
He was so close to her he could smell the strawberry scent from her shampoo. The minutes ticked by and their eyes remained locked and it was as if he could see what she was talking about through the hazel portals that encompassed his vision every time he looked into them. Vaguely he wondered what she was seeing, but the thoughts didn’t last. It was hard for him to think clearly whenever she was anywhere near him in those days.
“I’ve noticed it,” he replied in a raspy tone. “I see you.”
It was hard to believe how much he had let himself slip, especially since she had barely batted an eye in his direction. Granted, she was open with him, she came to him and talked, and he did the same. They had an excellent friendship that grew stronger the longer he knew her and it was like she had filled a section of him he wasn’t aware he had been missing. But he had been aware of it, the entire week before he had even met her he had known that he needed someone to understand him, to erase that lonely feeling within him. She had done it. Past all her unlikely characteristics, she out of everyone else he knew made him feel at home, comfortable, and understood.
Most importantly, she made him feel normal.
Even after the night he had revealed to her a portion of how he felt towards her, after she had basically rejected him, he still would have done anything for her. She needed him, but he needed her more. The thought of coming home to her was what kept him going through the day.
Still, she showed no signs of returning his feelings and he never brought it up with her again.
For the first time in a long time he was the one to look away first, but he kept his eyes down only for a second before returning them back to her. “This is looking much better.” Without thinking he reached up and softy touched his index finger to the now almost invisible cut on her eyebrow. The finger glided shortly over her soft, clean skin and the bump of dry blood that marred it. She didn’t flinch, just kept watching him.
“So does this one.” His hand never lifted from her face and he added his thumb and middle finger to slide down her cheek and touch her corner lip. “The bruise is totally gone.”
She turned her face away and his hand dropped back down to his leg. “You know what. I’m kind of glad Jared did what he did to me,” she said, standing.
“What for?”
Reaching down, she took his hand in her own and in an unexpected action, turned it palm side up and kissed the index finger that had touched both cuts. Then she stood up straight before releasing his hand and turned towards the door. “Goodnight Lance.”
He swallowed and tried to respond, but no sound emerged from his mouth. He sat, staring at the door long after she had left.
~~
“So what courses are you taking?”
With the background music provided by the cars passing on the nearby freeway, Justin and Hazel walked back towards the white apartment building carrying ice cream cones each. She didn’t know why he had come over again or why he had asked her to walk down to the Baskin Robbins a couple of blocks down, but the prospect for free ice cream was an offer she couldn’t pass up.
“Some child development stuff. I have to take it in order to get these credits I need for the job. They also got me this English class that I didn’t want.”
“Then why did you take it?”
She shrugged. “All of the other classes were full and the counselor told me it would help with the job somehow. I don’t remember how anymore. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he repeated. “Story of my life.” He licked the ice cream. “So did Lance tell you about California?”
“He told me this morning.”
“So what are you going to do for your three days of freedom?”
She squinted her eyes at him. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you’ve got the place all on your own without the human shackle there to guard your every move. You should take advantage of the opportunity.”
“I don’t see him as a shackle,” she said. “I probably wont do anything while he’s away.”
“Why my dear Hazel,” Justin grinned, “If I didn’t know better I would think you sounded as if you were going to miss him.”
“The apartment will be emptier without him,” was all she said.
~~
Chris threw a dart furiously at the picture of the tall brown head and blue eyes. “Look JC, I think the verse is fine. Why do I have to sing my part again?”
Lance and Joey watched the scene before them in silence, both to afraid to speak incase the anger radiating from the two other individuals turned its direction to them.
“Because,” JC grumbled through clenched teeth, “I was under the impression we wanted the record to sound good. In order for that to happen, we have to fix your part so you’re voice can seem halfway decent.”
Chris whirled around to face him. “What the hell are you implying?”
“That you have to do the verse over! I would have thought you’d have figured that out by now. I’ve only said it about fifty-"
“Oh, shut up!”
“Guys!” Joey said. “Why don’t we all take a breather, all right?”
“We have to get this done,” JC snapped.
“Actually we don’t,” Chris snapped back. “If you haven’t noticed, we’re a week ahead of schedule. Or is your organizer the thing stuck up your ass?”
Lance took a step between them before JC could say another thing he might regret. “Ok, I think it’s time for a break. Joey, why don’t you lead the way and Chris I’ll stay behind you incase there are anymore darts lying around.”
They all waited as JC and Chris’s gazes bore into each other and then finally Chris turned around and muttered, “Whatever” as he left the room. Joey looked at Lance and gave him a helpless shrug before following after the other.
“JC, maybe you should go outside for a change. Take a walk and get something to eat. It’s a beautiful day outside, you should go and take a look.”
JC spun in his chair, his back now to Lance, and began replaying one of the tracks from the upcoming album. “Later. I’ve got work to do.”
Lance sighed and started to leave. “All right. But you never know if tomorrow will bring rain.” When he exited the studio he saw Chris and Joey waiting for him down the hall, Chris’s ranting he could hear clearly even from that kind of distance.
“Sometimes I just want to kill him,” he was saying. “What’s his problem? Just because he’s producer he thinks he owns us or something, like he has more control, like he’s the boss. I can tell you right now that he is not the boss of me. I don’t understand what his moods have been about lately and I’ve tried to be patient, but my tolerance level is starting to deplete into nothing.”
“Don’t let it get to you,” Joey said.
“How am I supposed to not let it get to me! All he does is complain and bitch during studio sessions and it’s kind of hard to ignore it, especially when making a new record.”
“He’s a perfectionist. He has to get everything exactly right.”
“The verse was fine!”
“Stop yelling.” Lance approached them and the three left the building and headed to Chris’s car. “He’s going through a dark time, and I know that it’s no excuse, but with the pressure of producing and the expectations of this record, he’s going to be in a foul mood. Wouldn’t you be?”
Chris unlocked the car. “Not to that extent.”
“Does anyone know where Justin is?” Joey asked. No one did.
For the next couple of minutes they drove in silence, but the mention of Justin reminded Chris of the bet he had made with the young man. He had seen Hazel and Lance at the club and also took note of Lance’s strange silences and longing stares and wondered if that had any relation to the female visitor staying with him. “So what’s Hazel going to do while you’re gone?”
Lance looked at him through the rearview mirror, curious as to why Chris had suddenly brought her up. “Why do you ask?”
“Just curious, that’s all.”
“Well, actually, she just registered and is attending classes at the Junior College down the street from the apartment.”
“That’s great,” Joey genuinely said. “I’m glad she’s figuring herself out.”
“It’s so fascinating, how much she’s changed and opened up. She’s only been staying with me for a couple of weeks but I honestly can’t remember living at the place without her.”
Chris didn’t like the sound of that. “Whoa, that sounds pretty serious there. What’s going on with you two?”
“Nothing except friendship,” Lance replied with bitter honesty.
“Are you sure about that?”
“No Chris, let me recheck that one. Oh, I forgot, we’re getting married tomorrow. How could I let a thing like that slip my mind?”
“There’s no need for the sarcasm.”
“It was a pretty stupid question,” Joey said.
“Now is not the time for the double teaming, all right guys? Those darts don’t have to be limited to just the poster.” He parked the car outside of the building and Lance got out.
Chris rolled down the window. “See you tonight.”
“California here we come!” Joey exclaimed as the car sped away out of sight. Lance watched them go and then looked up to the 7th floor window, thinking of the occupant inside. He wished he shared his friend’s enthusiasm.
~~
As Hazel watched Lance pack his bags it didn’t bring her the same joy as when he was unpacking them the first day she had arrived in Orlando. For the past three years of her life she had lived on her own so she should have been glad to have the place entirely to herself, to go back to the solitude she had grown accustomed too. She wasn’t glad at all. She didn’t want the solitude or the emptiness back. She wanted to go to sleep knowing he was in the next room, she wanted him to be there incase she had a bad dream, and she wanted to wake up and eat breakfast with him as he described to her the day’s upcoming events.
She couldn’t explain why she depended on these things or why she felt as if three days had never seemed so much like forever.
She hadn’t helped him as he packed, but stayed watching him from his bed. They said nothing but it was evident that each was valuing the others presence in the room more than usual. It wasn’t a sad time. To her it proved again that the newfound outlet of opening and trusting herself with him was right and that she would miss it while he was away.
When he was finished he put the single bag next to the bedroom door and then took a seat next to her. “Nervous about your class tomorrow?”
She wasn’t at all, but she couldn’t tell him why she really looked so edgy. “Yup.”
“You’ll adapt to college.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I can just tell.” He checked his watch. “I better get going.”
“Oh, ok.” They both stood and she watched as he walked over to the door to get his bag. Halfway there, however, he stopped and turned back to her to encircle his arms around her waist and hug her. She stiffly stood there, momentarily caught off guard by the affectionate action, but then she was hugging him back. Her arms tightened around his neck and her cheek rested against his warm neck. She had never felt so comfortable in her life.
“I’ll be waiting for you,” she heard herself whisper.
At first she thought he might not have heard her but then he softly said, “Me too.”
She didn’t understand but then forgot about it completely as they let each other go and he returned to the door. He picked up the bag and paused in the doorway, smiling at her. “Good-bye Hazel. I’ll see you soon.”
Saying nothing, she saw him walk away and in a couple of seconds heard the front door close shut, leaving her on her own. Yes, she had lived alone for three years, but never until now had she fully understood what the word alone really felt like.