| Into the mind of a Psycho |
| I knew the fucking truth.And it hurts me more than you can never fucking imagine.Though you might say that i can't never experience true pain but you're wrong,fuckface.I am fully aware and more understandable to my life's existence.To begin i shall have to start the lives of my grandparents (Mother's side).My grandfather,a chinaman christainality religion who is a businessman in his life with 3 pardners,also a christainality religion.Business were good,better.He was rich (Unspecific wealth?) but were betrayed by his pardners and left him broke.This prompts him to change his religion and distrusts any people who's a christain.My grandmother,a Indonesian chinese who's father were a "Datuk" (Senator,i think) owned vast properties and land.She were young and pampered,never knew anything about cooking,sewing or being a housewife.My grandfather were poor but able to court her not for the money but for love. They were eventually wedded but her father only given them wedding money and nothing else.Both of my grandparents will have to live as poor people.My grandfather started a small business and my grandmother learned every housewife's skills needed to care for their children.The children (Including my mother) were given pampering and care,except for 1 child.At that time,my grandfather's business grew successfully and able to give most of them education but unable to support all.Some of the children were snobbish (Including my mother) and would shunned those who were poor.My mother after graduating highschool,went to Hong Kong to study hairdressing.That's where my father came in.My father is a hong kie,worked as a architect,met my mother and fell in love of her.Though my mother has no interest in him but more interested his money instead.They wed in Kuala Lumpur.I came.Later,my grandmother were dying (Natural causes) and my grandfather spilled the beans,you see folks,after my grandparents married and had them,both never told them the hardship they had and worked hard to give them a good future.Everyone (Except my father) were suprised to know the truth. My mother's personality changed.Her dislike to commoners or poor people grew and started to demand a lot of things,especially money.My father have to endured the nagging and the constant arguements but he can no longer able to stand and just leave for outstation for work.Though my father cared for her,she wants more money.I was just a mere child,spoiled and pampered unknown to the truth.My mother then started to put lies about my father to me.I love my father but little love for her.I was an only child and my father was silly in his way,to me...he's like a brother or a good friend or maybe both.Twice in his lifetime i was scolded,and once i was hit.Though i never wish him ill for he is still my father.I respected the man and loved him.My motther told me lies of my father having an affair and will leave both i and my mother.Even goes so far as to tell me that my father has no care nor love for me.You see folks,she was fueled with jealousy,i gave all my attention to my father NOT to my mother.Why?..Simple,i feared my mother.She always hits me when i was a child whenever i did something wrong.Leaves me alone in a shopping mall (I was 5...or 6),i was forced to walk home alone,hoping that i would be able to remember where home is.When i finally reached home (A centerfield apartment where pimps,whores,gangs and addicts made their home too) my mother were long at home.I unable to open the gates and yelled out to my mother to open the gates.When she finally appeared,she gave a cold look on her face.I can still remember that moment.She never intended to want me then why she kept me then.Most possible reason is that she still have a little ounce of humanity in her black heart. Every year,my mother dragged me back to her hometown (Bintulu),but made a pitstop to Kuching to visit my aunt and my cousin Diana.But i longed to see my friend VJ.VJ is my pet dog and i felt very estaticly happy.I dread to go back to my mother's hometown for the people there spoke a Teo Chew language and i can't understand a word they say.I have no friends there nor i can converse with anyone there.I was lonely without my father and VJ is the only friend i have.The reason my mother dragged my ass to Bintulu is snobbishly to show off to the rest of the family relatives that i am the perfect child.Telling the exploits of what jewelry my father bought for her,you know...nonsense.Not many relatives are eager to hear that.After the death of my grandmother,things changed alot.There's alot of disputes,family relatives having arguements for petty reasons.It was chaotic.I always wondered on why we never visited my father's hometown or why the fact that my father only visited her hometown once?...Simple.My mother refused to go to his hometown and also denied his visit to her hometown.Only once he visited,no more.Why?...She don't want everyone to know that's she been telling lies if my father were there,he might burst her bubble of lies and the fact she married him for his money. One day when i was...maybe 7 or 8,i came back to Kuching to see my friend VJ,only to discover that she died.Both my mother and my aunt said she had a fever and died.I asked where is her body,they answered that they buried her on a field.I even asked that why didn't they call a vet...a simple answer came from my mother.Lack of money.Though deeply sadden that i lost a friend,i was back to loneliness in Kuching,though Diana,my couz,able to comfort my burden,she's older than me by 10 years.The next day,they decided to go to a flea market by taking a bus.As we wait for the bus to arrive in a bus stop,behind it were a grass field.To my horror,i discovered the skeletal remains of an animal.At first i thought it was just an animal but to my suprise,it is a dog.I was devastated by the discovery.At least give her a decent god damn burial!Whenever i returned back,i only have my dad for company not my mother.I have no friends,the neighbor's kids are older than i am and never hang out with me.And dad always went for outstation and mom decided to work to have more money and she left me alone in our home.She gave me no keys to the house,she practiclly locked me inside.You know,if there's a fire going on i'll be a roast pig.When my dad knew about it,they had another arguement.Then decided to give me a set of keys to our home. I developed depression because of my loneliness and unable to consentrate on my studies.Always fooling around with my so-called friends when i was a kid.My grades weren't good.A few years later (Still in grade school),my granddad suffered a stroke and my mom decides to play angel in her family's eyes by taking care of him and gainning favours to my granddad.My aunt was urged to stay with us leaving Diana alone.Purpose : To have another sucker in the family to pay the bills so my mum able to go shopping or gambling on lottery tickets.My mom nagged alot when granddad unable to care for himself.I sat next to him and listened (Though no idea what the hell he was talking about) but i get the meaning that he wanted me to be good and study well.Things getting out of hand when his conditions were getting worse and he was sent to a general hospital.He was dying.He died a few months later and his body were sent back to Bintulu to be buried next to my grandma.I can still remember that my mom hugged his coffin,crying and say "Don't leave me".I never saw her doing that emotionally until the death of my grandpa.She also blamed my couz bro Meng for his death which devastated him too.He came to Kuala Lumpur to care for grandpa and this is the result my mom gave him.He left to Bintulu. When i was i grade school,i was fearless except for bugs which traumatised me in 1 incident in home where the kitchen is overwhelming by crawling roaches,scared the shit outta me.I had a lot of fights with other kids to show that i'm not to be fuck with,even took the liberty to learn Tae Kwan Do for self defence.But when i entered high school at 13,everything went to hell.High school sucks,the teachers suck,the kids suck,even the food sucked.There were gangs who would pay you 50 cents to join their gang and fight for them or you have to pay protection for a measly 50 cents.Yes,i know.They're fucking stupid,but overwhelmingly a large group.There were also some girls who worked part time as prostitutes and were caught.There's an incident involving a fat ugly chick being teased by a skinny ugly bastard,only to be greeted with flames shot out of a pesticide and a zippo by the fat chick.The cops came and cuffed her.There were also the common gang wars at the back of the school in large numbers.It was a racial gang war where the chinese and malay fought.Also the constant bullies around,but i never let them be their bitch.There i met a dumbass for a friend,John.He's selfish,idiotic,a snob,a know-it-all,a bragster.I fucking hate this bastard but i have no friends.You see,i wasn't considered as a chinese because i can't speak or read Mandarin.I was labeled as a freak.I was picked on because i hang out with Dumbmaster 3000 but i fought back.I had my crush on this girl in my class,though like any cliche' movies,she never knew i existed.I never had any encouragement in my life nor any self esteem.I was fat.But things got worse. My dad were sick and were told a doc in Singapore might be able to cure him.I was told nothing.He assured me that he will be back as soon as possible.Every day he called to check if i was okay in school,and i still didn't knew what was going on.I thought he was just sick,normal stuff.A few months later,he was still in Singapore.Called to tell me his last words,"Be good and study well,i love you and i'll come back when i'm cured".He died in August,his birth month.After his death,i questioned my mom about dad.She told me that he died of cancer.A small piece of spinal bone were infected by the cancer virus and the doc told my dad that he may able to remove the piece and replaced it with a sycnthetic bone.The operation failed when the doc opened the flesh and the virus spread like forest fire.When i asked my mum to let me visited my dad,she wouldn't let me.Reason : my dad told her to forbid me to visit him.His body was deteriorate into skin and bones and his fear of me being afraid to his freakish body.His elder sister (My aunt from Hong Kong) called to tell my mum the news.She shed no tear upon hearing the news.Worse,she showed no sad emotions.Immedietly she tries to withdraw the money my dad saved but unable to do so without my dad's signature.She felt betrayed and hated my dad for not leaving any cash for her.I was devastated and depressed again.I was silent unable to accept the truth that my father is gone.I tried to hide my sadness but burst into tears in class and in front of my so-called friends.They tried to coaxed me but in their hearts they never gave a shit about me.Each day in school,is hell.Mom knew about it and decided to let study in another school.Though my grades in grade school weren't enough to let me study Cochrane high school.My mum resulted in bribing the principal of that school by paying 3000 ringgit.I was anxious and excited to leave this hellhole but i have to stay till end of the year to change my school.The next year of January,it seemed that my prayers were answered far too late.The girl i had a crush on were sitted next to me by the class teacher.Reason : sitting next to each other with the same gender would make the teacher's life a living hell.I was happy but i didn't make a move because of my low self esteem.She spoke to me and we befriended.Though wanting to make a move but far too scared to do anything.The other idiot not the Dumbmaster 3000 started to make his move using the stupidest pick-up line ever towards her.I was naive and unable to do anything.I regretted that i never asked for her number.And fate was always cruel,i moved to another school the next month. Fear came into my mind.New school,new people.Fear that i unable to find friends.The first week was depressing.The class bully picked on me.I have no friends.A few weeks later,the bully Howard became my mentor and a good friend and befriended a guy named Chong who had asthma for life.I learned a lot of stuff in my new high school.It was fun and it was also a dreaded place.But still,compared to my old high school,this is like a walk on a park.But whenever i returned home...it's always empty.I was lonely at home.So nightly out came to be a habit.Arcades for me to pass time.But my grades were still bad.I can't concentrate because i wasn't really happy.I hit the bottom when i failed my PMR exams and can't get through the next class.My mum gave me another chance to study in a private school for fuck-ups.Also the same feelings came back.Fear.But settle quite easily in that dumb shit for a school.The kids in there were tough and i fear of them.Tougher than my first high school kids.I became chickenshit.Depression kicked back again and i hated my fucking life.A few months later,i received a news from an asshole for a friend telling me that my best friend Cheong died in my previous high school.He had an asthma attack and the people from school can't do anything.He was caught in the cold rain.I thought it was a joke but it wasn't.I felt way too depressed and started to skip classes.Afraid that i unable to contain my sadness so i decided not to face them. A another couz of mine came and stayed in our home.Her name is Ai Chen.She was suppose to study and work.She's from the greedy,selfish,cold hearted family.Why did my mum let her stay?...Simple.She can have a slave in our home.Easy.She taught me the world of MIRC chatting and i thought she can help ease my pain of loneliness.She misunderstood and pushed me aside because she already have a boyfriend.I was a vengeful bastard and kept all the letters her boyfriend had sent.Made her life miserable because she shunned me.She left to Bintulu a few years later.Yes,i know.I'm a fucking asshole.I stopped doing that and apologized to her a couple of years later when she finally returned back with her new husband of a crap.That's another story.For 3 months i skipped classes,i came once or twice in a month just pass time.But i was caught by my mother when the school called.My mum angered by this,scolded me.Telling me that i'm a worthless maggot that amount to nothing.I snapped.I no longer able to contain my anger nor my depression.I wrote the final letter to my mum,telling her that i'm gonna end my life.I left and yet my mum still yells at me.I climbed up the stairs.Fear came into my mind.Fear of death.But anxious to meet my dad in heaven if i'm landed in heaven.But on the 20th floor...i stopped and sat down the stairs.I ponder and thought of my soon to be death.I was afraid to die but i can't stand all the depression.A few minutes later,my mum came with my couz to look for me.She read the note and immedietly stopped me from my attempt to jump.She hugged me and cried...the same emotion she displayed when she hugged my grandpa's coffin.All those time,i though my mum never wanted me in the first place.I was confused.So i decided to stay alive,besides alot of people is already saying that sucide is a dumb thing to do.But...if you can't stand your depression and your sadness and there's not enough cash to buy anti-depressant pills or even seeing a shrink...that beer is not enough and drugs that's not good for you...where there's no friend in your life that they can understand your feelings...what would you do?...I heard most people answered me that you can forget about the past.That's fucking stupid.If shit like these fucked your life,you can't never erase them in your memory.Take a rape victim,can she forget the pain from her tramatic experience or even take the shame from her families and shunned by them or even your lover dumped you because you're tainted?...Sure you can,pills and lots of therapy.That cost money.If you're rich then fuck off.Ahem...back to my story. I came back to school and start anew and even found a hobby to numb my sadness.Chatting.Whenever i'm chatting,i can feel i can be anyone and that's how i feel alive.But knowing this is wrong so i stopped doing it and started to tell the truth.Back then i had no pc and hanged out in a cybercafe a lot instead of arcades.By then my mum and my aunt decides to really buy a pc,i was estatic.I chatted for 6 fucking hours.Day till night,night till day...like i was a demon in possessed and i still won't get bored.Until 1 day,i met this lady in the net.Her name is Rose and she lives in Labuan,Sarawak.She's 21 and i was 16.We had a lot of thing in common.Especially our pain.We shared a lot of stuff together and chatted almost everyday.We even traded pictures,shared alot of secrets and even personal ones.She told me that she have an asshole for a boyfriend where they always have an arguement and ending her getting slapped by that bastard.She felt miserable.I listened to her sad life and tried coaxing her but i have no feelings for her.I treated her as a good friend.She told me that i'm a good listener and on 1 faithful day,she decided that we should couples in net.Knowing she have a lover in her life,i said no.But persuaded me that it's just for fun,no harm done and besides it weren't be real.I ponder and thought,perhaps she's right...no harm would do,i accept.We traded phone numbers.The next day,i was suprised that she called in 8 in the morning.I was kinda stammer since i didn't know what to say to her.But later i found out that we've been talking for hours,it was Sunday.It was the first time in my life that i talked to a lady for hours.We talked in the phone everyday and whenever i feel bored coming back from class,i called her in the office and asked her to call me back.I was playing safe and phone bills from Labuan is expensive.But to her,she didn't mind...i think.2 weeks of talking in the phone.It was fun. Until 1 day,it was Saturday...a gang of my friends in high school invited me to a health spa and it was for free.She called me when i reached there.She was crying in the phone and i was worried.I asked her what has happend,she replied by asking why i didn't picked up her call the previous night.The previous night i decided to watch a movie by myself to pass time,i needed the privacy.It was the midnight show i bought and it was 11pm.I hanged out in the arcades to pass time till my movie starts.I never realize that my handset were ringing and the arcades were loud.Later in the cinema,i found out that she called me.The phone listed a "Missed Call" from her number but it was midnight and decided to call her the next morning.Afraid that i might disturb her sleep.The next day i was about to call her,my friend called me about the spa thingie.I decided to call her later in the evening since i'll be there till 4-5pm.After i explained to her my situation,she told me that she and her asshole for a lover has another arguement and slapped her while driving her back to her home.She had enough and dumped him.She cried in her room all night and wanted to call me but i unable to pick up the call.The irony is there when i thought if i called her i would disturbed her sleep,she cried till 2-3am and unable to sleep well.Her eyes were swollen with tears.She told me that she would be my real girlfriend and that was her final decision.I felt this is wrong.I told her that i'm a nobody and a loser and not worthy to be her boyfriend.I even told her to make up with the asshole or maybe find a better one.Besides that i'm 16 and she's 21,she's in Labuan and i'm in Kuala Lumpur,it won't work.She have none of it and insists that i should be the one to care for her.She didn't care the outcome and wanted a special caring in her life.I accepted.Though i was stunned and shocked by the news...i still say yes.For i have feelings for her.After the spa thingie,i came back home and she called me again.We talked a lot of stuff.We talked everyday.She sent me a couple of letters and a gift for my belated birthday.I was happy,and i still kept her gift till this day.Though guilty that i have nothing to give her,my gift for her is a song that i sang for her.Though i didn't sang it well but it meant something.I was finally happy in my life.2 weeks have passed and it was great.The phone relationship were pathetic and i longed to see her in person and to feel her touch.She told me that she'll be visiting Kuala Lumpur to look for me next week.I was estatic.But my happiness didn't last long.Her ex-boyfriend came and begged her (In her home) to forgive him.She didn't and the asshole took a flask of oil medicine and drank half of the damn thing (Not meant for comsumption) and poisoned himself.Though not fatal,he was sent to a hospital.Rose felt guilt over the asshole's attempted sucide.She now in the verge of a choice.Choose me and her family will never forgive her and maybe disown her or choose her and lead an unhappy life.She called me to tell me all that.I told her to choose what's best for her.Though in my heart,i know she's gonna choose the bastard over me and i felt sad over it.She chose him.She called me the last time,told me that she told the bastard everything...including my existence.He forced her to terminate every people she met in the net and told her to tell me not to call her anymore.I obey.That's the last time i heard from her and it was months ago.I felt depressed being dumped by Rose over an asshole.When i was in a class,the asshole called me to make sure i won't interfere her life again by threatening me.You know,after all that crap...threats won't work on me.I told that asshole that i respected Rose's decision by choosing the asshole and what Rose said...i obey.Not to interfere her life no more. I started smoking when i was 17,to numb my pain.I drank beer alot.Yet my life is still the same.After graduating high school,my grades still sucked.I started hanging with dumbass Jim and the Hitler wannabe Fatt.I had no friends and these would do though i had enough of them and broke them off,erasing them from my life in 2003.I started my college a year later after high school.Back then,i wasn't a freak...yet.College life is crappy,it's far,the people who studied there mainly made up of mandarin-speaking-chinese-fuckers who shunned me because i can't speak manda-fucking-rin,the lecturers have no concern for you.Let me start...i woke up at 6am,getting ready and had my breakfast.Leave my home at 7am.Took a cab to the nearest subway train which in walking distance takes 35 minutes and taking a bus is not a good idea.I have 2 bags,1's a portfolio bag to store my work and it's big.I took a bus once and it was packed with a lot of motherfuckers.I stood at the entrance and the door was opened.I almost dropped my bag and myself.No more bus for me.Reaching the station takes 5-10 minutes if the traffic's good.I took the train and it takes me 45 fucking minutes to reach there.Most of the time i find a seat (If i'm lucky) and took a nap.Upon reaching my destination of the station,i either take a bus or a cab to my college.My class starts at 8:30am.It ends at 5:45pm.Same routine except i walk home.The traffic's bad and i rather walk home and it takes me a half an hour to reach home,take a bath and work on my assignments given by the lecturers.I was tired.I needed to finish this crap by 10pm because i sleep at 10pm.On saturday and Sunday is my relaxation day where my work is done and i have no worries and hang out with my bext friend Rizal.Though the lecturers are not pleased of my work due to uncreative and messy work and tells me to work harder.What the fuck is that?Do they knew where the fuck i live?What kind of shit i have to go through?Fine.Next.I was being shunned by those bastards.Luckily i befriended a group of outcasts whose also in my shoes.I was stressed by all kind of shit and i changed.I used to listen to normal metal,but then my taste has gone to heavier shit.My stress and tension were high.So i decided to be different.Fuck those who shunned me.But after 6 fucking months,i was ready to snap.I almost drove myself insane.1 month of holiday and i felt being lazy and i had enough with crap.I started skipping classes.My depression came back when i enrolled this stupid college,and i wanted to work in the first place.It was my mom's idea that i should get college,find a high paying job and support her fat ass.I didn't finish college due to my depression and my only friend Rizal was the one to numb my pain.I respected the guy. It is 2004,suddenly my mom decided to be an illegal imigrant in London.I wasn't told of the news.My couz Diana who moved in with us because her fiancee who's in the slaughterhouse business and were well off.At first my mom didn't liked the idea of Diana marrying a bucther but once informed that he's rich,she immedietly told Diana to marry him.Diana caught her fiancee fucking with another women in their bed together when she suspicously knew her fiancee acting a little weird.My mum told Diana to bear the pain and keep on marrying him.Though Diana didn't want to.My mum stike an idea and told Diana to be her ex-fiancee's mistress and start having an affair.Once Diana is impregnanted,my mum would immedietly go to Kuching and settle the bastard by telling him to pay the damages in 50,000 ringgit.This insane idea is not agreeable by Diana.To use Diana as an object of property is vile.My mum decided to leave me behind to go to London.Reason : To let me feel what's it like to have no mother with me.Though i never has a mum in the first place anyway.She's still my mum and i still love her but her greed for money is never sastified.I knew all of this when Diana informed me the news.I was angered.Mum wanted to stay London for 2-3 years.But aunt insisted that she stays there for 10.This outrages me greatly.We kept on persuading her not to go.It might be a scam or she might get caught due to you-know-what-happened-in-9/11.But she have none of it.Finally i got pissed off and confronted her face to face.Revealing all the cold heated act she did in the past.Having an affair with a 68 year old married man who has 2 sons who's 21 and 30.Her greed for money and my father.She denied everything in my face even though i was there to bear witness.I wanted to cried but i kept hanging on.Till i can't stand it anymore.A week that we never spoke,till she finally forgive and decided to not to go. I'm looking for a job.I worked a lot of jobs before but either it's crappy or the building's close.A couple of my so-called friends got married and i'm still without any love.Though i had a crush on someone,but i doubt she'll go for me.Though some friends gave me alot encouragement,but my low self esteem is far greater than before.I have a dream that i wanted to archive.Having my own business of comics and anime.The girl of my dreams whom i have a crush on.But everytime...shit hits me.I'm 23...soon to be 24 in 2004.And yet...i can see my future.Like the phrase that once said "Once a loser...always a loser".Whenever i thought things would go better...it wasn't.I don't want to be dissapointed again.I started dieting,lost 5kgs.I wanted to look at my future with a bright hope.I wasted far too many chances,too many time.This time i ain't going to let any shit stand in my way.I see you folks,in the other side of nothingness,heh. |
| Written by Stanley alias Sadistic Reaper |
| In the loving momery of my dog , VJ , my grandpa , my dad and my best friend...Ah Cheong....may light guide you all. |
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| All are the truth and base of the facts |
| "I don't hate everything , I just hate myself"...by Sadistic Reaper |
| I'm a very sick man. |
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