Chiporsnippet and Midi-chlorian Counts
Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace
A lot of this dialogue is so hilarious it makes the film almost enjoyable on repeat viewings, in a kind of cringe-worthy way. In fact if the film wasn’t so plain boring in parts I'd almost commit it to the ‘so bad there good section’.
Some of the dialog is just plain baffling in its awfulness, straight from the creative mind of George Lucas.
And I haven't even got started on the overuse of CGI.
The movie starts off kind of well. The arrival of the Jedi's. The 1st Lucas rubbish of the day is probably the part were Qui-Gon calls Obi Wan his Pado-one learner (?). Why didn't he just say apprentice?
But anyways this is forgivable due to some nifty Lightsaber action moments later.
The Trade Federation Viceroys. Here’s George Lucas’s thinking when he was trying to think up a accent for these 2 crappy looking badguys.
‘’Right, these characters are meant to be evil, greedy and deceitful now let me think, hmm German, nahh too 80’s actionesque, too Die Hard. How about Japanese. Thats original, fits perfectly, whoopee’’
Suddenly the 2 Jedi's are on Naboo. As if 10 minutes were cut out of the film. This fast paced editing would again be repeated for the finale.
The forest looks a little suspect, and there’s also the fact that Qui Gon looks about 2 inch’s above Ja Ja’s head when he’s speaking too him.
Obi Wans Posh British accent in this scene is diabolical.
‘’If they find us, they will strike us down, and blaast us into oblivion’’
horrid dialog.
And Ja Ja, oh dear. Now were do I start. He speaks in a inaudible Jamaican accent. I still don't know about half of what he speaks in this scene, and I don't want to.
They travel to the Gungan underwater village, were we suddenly discover there's a whole species made up entirely of Jamaican speaking piece's of walking CGI.
The 2 Jedi's along with Ja Ja travel on the Otta Boonga (?). Basically in an underwater submarine
Qui Gon: "Im trying too"
This is a terribly bad ''we have 5 mins to fill, look what we can create with computers kids'' moment. As one beast gets eating up by another repetition sets in. This is all accompanied by Ja Ja's anal banter.
And to make matters worse a huge mock-up prop of the sub was built just for 1 seconds of screen time. (there was a sequence cut out) This thing probably cost $1 million to make. And was used just to show the jedi's exiting the pod.
Later Lucus would CGI a whole castle stairway. I think somehow he has his priorities mixed up.
Viceroy 2: "Japanese aliens or something? I'm not sure......Um George??"
Then the heroes make of on a Starfighter with the Queen.
R2D2 saves the day and there's a horrid scene were the Queen congratulates the droid.
When there on Tatooine we get introduced to Aniken in a scmalzy scene between him and Padme.
In steps the character Watto, Lucas needs another accent, and fast.
''hmm, he's a gambler, dealer and only cares about Money, sounds like Mexican to me''
After Aniken rescues Ja Ja from a Dud (?) actually a incredibly dangerous Dud named Sebulba. Then a sand storm erupts and Aniken invites the pose back to his place.
Pay attention because she’s a blink or miss character. You will witness the worst piece of acting this side of Byker grove. The old women says something like..
‘’storms building up Annie, you better hurry on home’’
And she says it with the same grin that reminds me of school plays or home made movies were amateurs try to act. They always have a bit of a grin or just a humor in there voice, like there embarrassed by the Camera.
Obi Wan says this...
‘’a few supply's, the queens wardrobe maybe but not enough you can barter with’’
Obi Wans British accent is truly awful. When did Alec Guinness ever sound like that?
Why do Cockneys, Scousers and Geordies never make a appearance in Yank rubbish. Why is it always that posh stiff upper lip dialect spoken nowadays by nobody but the royal family.
Do Yanks really think we talk like that? In fact don't answer that question.
I mean Ewan McGreggor is a great actor. I can almost forgive Jake Lloyd for his performance in this film. Robert Deniro himself would have been shit in this film because of Lucas’s cackhanded use of language and his inability to direct actors.
A group of Anikans friends talk to Annie and tease him on how his Pod wont work and that he's been working on that thing for years.
There just terrible actors. Yes i know there child actors but This is STAR WARS. Surely there's a few Liz Taylor's out there.
Anikan's wooden ''50's perfect young American'' performance is made extra horrid by the fact his friends call him Annie. He is given lines like ''yippee' and his friend says ''that is sooo wizard Annie''.
I almost expected lines like ''jee whiz'', and ''golly gosh''
The Pod Race. There's some nice characters in this like Ben Quad Denaro, one of the better character designs. Needless to say the race drags on longer then it has to as one disneyfied alien gets toasted by Sebulba after another.
Another ''look what we can do with Computers kids'' moment.
And also there's Anikans seriously unnecessary 'Whow' as Qui Gon lifts him into the Pod.
One thing Lucas crams the film with is familiar characters from the 1st trilogy. R2 and 3PO are obviously forced in, as is Jabba The Hutt and thousands of familiar race's. It makes it too overcrowded. There obviously trying to be clever.
After the Podrace there's a scene were Anikans mam says..
''You brought hope to those who have none''
Its soo dreadfully syrupy, and the delivery is awful, even though she seems quite a good actress.
On the Naboo Fighter heading to Coruscant. Padme comforts Anikan with a sheet, in a nice bonding scene. Anikan produces some artifact (we don't actually see it clearly) and says..
‘’I made this for you, I carved it out of ChiPorsnippet’’
Will somebody please tell me what the fuck is a Chiporsnippet?. It took me 10 watch’s just to make out what Anikan was saying, and now i’ve got to spell the thing.
Were does he get those amazing words?
On Coruscant there's probably the best scene. With the ET's cameo.
When the Queen decides to head back to Naboo and fight the Trade Federation.
There’s a moment between Anikan and Qui-Gon which contains some horrible Story background Sign posting which in turn shatters Star War's appeal, as well as Jake Lloyds finest performance ever.
It reads...
Aniken-Master Qui-Gon i was wondering, What are midi-chlorians?
Qui Gon-Midi-Chlorians are...(and proceeds into a perfect encyclopedic description of what they are).
Apparently we have them in our blood, Jedi's have a extremely high Midi-Chlorian count. This in one quick sentence ruins the very essence of why the Force is so appealing. All fans, when we were kids, and some adults too wanted to be Jedi's, and due to the fact it was so mysterious, just something that existed based on a Zen like spirituality, i think we all believed we could be one
The Midi-Chlorian thing roots the force in scientific fact and ruins the whole illusion, also making it far less interesting.
The fact that to find out if you could be a jedi you just need to take a simple blood test is ridiculous.
The heroes head back to Naboo in one Riotous ''yippee'', ''meesa a goin home''. From the films 2 most appealing actors.
The Finale is basically a fast paced messy edit between one battle nobody gives a shit about (the Gungans one which looks sooo fake), Two battles which are watchable (the Queen invading the palace and Space one). And of course the lightsaber fight. Now this is Star Wars.
Darth Maul is the coolest looking bad guy ever, he's super evil. A double bladed lightsaber. I just wanted him to kill Obi Wan, Qui Gon (yeh), Ja Ja, Padme and Anikan with that thing. Due to the fact that the goodguys are so unlikeable (compare them to Han Solo) and he is so instantly likeable. I wanted the good guys to DIE the most painful death and have the Sith reign forever.
But here's the logic. Darth Maul is by far the best character in the film yet Lucas limits his appearance to around about 10 minutes. Instead he filled the film with horrible Ja Ja jokes. Aggh.
And why does the number of edits between end battles increase..
Star Wars=One Space battle, The Rouge Fighters Vs The Death Star
Empire=2 battles in Cloud City, Vader Vs Luke and Lea, Lando, Chewy escaping.
Jedi=3 battles. The Ewoks Vs Stormtrooper, Vader a The Empire Vs Luke and the Space battle against the 2nd Death Star.
And in the Phantom Menace we get 4.
Plus in both Star Wars, Jedi and TPM the Space Station is destroyed by the same tactic. The hero flying in and blowing it out from the inside.
I dunno about you but if i was the Empire i would have seriously analyzed past military tactics before building both Death Stars.
Anyways the lightsaber fight is amazing. Darth Maul is incredibly. It could have been 2 minutes longer though. And I still say Obi Wan could have reached that force field in time if he didn't spin his lightsaber and quite simply shut the damm thing off.
And Darth Maul dies too, can you believe. it, no more Maul. The score here , 'Duel Of The Fates' is a instant classic.
The space battle with Aniken is so fake, and the dialog ''lets try spinning, thats a good trick''.
There's a scene with Ja Ja were he defeats like 50 droids due to his clumsiness, and Anikens luck and being seemingly unable to control the starfighter (he accidentally blows the bad guys space station up)
Both scenes rely far too much on chance and luck that there simply unbelievable.
There's a shit Street parade scene and the customary Photo shot and that's the end.
the Episode 2 trailers, I dunno...Haydens acting, the hammy love scenes, N Sync (as i write this i've just heard that they might be cut out due to the negative feedback, but the suggestion was there, they were filmed) and still the overbearing presence of CGI. But it can't get any worse, or can it.
Long Live The Empire.