Panic’s A Bitch Much
Today? No. Not a good day.

Oft given advice to people with panic attacks, is that during an actual full blown attack you should do something to refocus your thoughts, keeping that “what if” thinking in check. Right now I’m panicking and I’m writing to refocus my thoughts, and still, although it does help, I’m afraid of several hundred things at one time.

I know I’m panicking pretty bad because outside of my apartment a UPS truck just went over the speed bump and made a loud crashing noise and I nearly fell out of my chair. It’s like walking through a dark haunted house ride at an amusement park, when all the lights are off and you know any second a 400,000 watt light bulb is going to flash right next to you, complete with a hideous set up like a vampire ready to pounce on you.

Although I’ve had panic disorder for ten years, I’ve never overcome the full blown, out and out, whopping sized panic attacks that just seem to kick me in the chest and clutch tightly to my cellphone in case I need to call my fiancé, or 911 for that matter.

In the other hand is a bottle of xanax, the label is well worn, the prescription number barely legible. I take xanax, “as needed”, which is usually a couple of times a week. I know, based on my food intake, time of day and weather exactly how long it will take for a xanax to start working. I’ll feel a little bit better in 20 minutes and the panic attack will be completely gone in 45 and I’ll be “normal” again.

I’ve always thought it was pretty bad that I can take 1mg of xanax, wait about an hour, and feel “normal”. No brainfog, no jitters, no jumpiness, no racing thoughts or out-and-out panic. Just a clear mind, and a calm outlook. Of course, that sounds great – but I imagine how riled up I must have been to need an entire milligram of xanax to get back to normal. It boggles my mind to think that anyone would choose to go medicine free and try to control panic attacks on their own.

Today I was set off by the usual trigger, vertigo. I don’t actually have vertigo, but I feel constantly on the edge of getting it, and I do in fact have an inner ear disorder which gives me two week long bouts of spinning vertigo twice a year. I’m vertigo phobic. Looking at a computer monitor for too long will make me a little woozy, which I associate with vertigo, which leads to a panic attack.

Gee, I’m at the 20 minute mark and starting to feel a bit calmer. 25 minutes to go! However, I just smooshed a spider and a feeling guilty about that, so I’m sure that will preoccupy my mind for a few minutes.

Funny, isn’t it? I’m not afraid of spiders, which are real and they can bite you and they’re just all around nasty, but I’m afraid of the UPS truck going over a speed bump. How ridiculous is that, I wonder? Phobias are a strange thing. Our minds are strange and incredible things.

I wish I could squash the panic like I just did that spider, that would surely make things a lot easier.