A Survivor's Story
By K. March 2004

I'm 27 years old and work full time on active duty in the Air Force, I'm hoping that by sharing my story with anyone that is blessed with coming across this site, will gain insight and knowledge and understanding that they are not alone with Panic/Anxiety.

My childhood wasn't the perfect childhood, I had a drug addicted mother, I didn't know my father and never met him until I was 25. I never lived with my mother I bounced around from family member to friends all through my school years. Even though I dealt with allot of misery as a child and feeling alone, I was still a pretty happy kid. I was very shy, timid and did anything I could to please people and I was easy to get along with and made friends fast. I was not depressed as a teenager and I can remember being told numerous times by teachers, family and friends that I was a strong person for not letting my way of living affect me. I wasn't ashamed of the life I had and I never hid anything from anyone.

My senior year of school I didn't have a place to turn and the guy I was dating suggested I stay with his mother until I could get on my own. It was strange because I was living with my boyfriends mom and he lived with his dad. That turned out to be the best time and place and I felt so loved and like I had a real family. She got me interested in the Air Force, so I joined and was shipped off to basic training when I was 18 years old. My career in the Air Force has taking me places I'd never been or would ever go if it weren't for the traveling. I am very happy with my career (when I'm not having anxiety of course) I have currently served 9 years in the Air Force and plan to continue to 20 years (health permitting).

My first Panic attack I can remember clearly as if it just happened a few minutes ago. Unfortunately you never forget that sort of fear. I had been in the military about 4 years. I was stationed in South Korea for a year, luckily me and my boyfriend were there at the same time. I got pregnant while I was there and left my tour 3 months early, because they didn't have the proper maternity care to provide. I then was sent to Tampa FL, I arrived 1 Mar 1998 I was put in a lodging facility on the 3rd floor when I arrived in FL. I couldn't wait to get to the hotel, after all I love to stay in a place where I don't have to clean up or make my bed! I got to my room settled in and got cozy under the covers after I took along hot bath! Remind you I'm 6 months pregnant at the time. I ordered a pizza and had it delivered. I ate then fell asleep soon as I closed my eyes, I had been on an air plane for 22 hours, so you can imagine my feet were swollen and I was exhausted from trying not to hyperventilate on the plane because I'm closterphobic! I survived the plan ride, but was extremely tired.

At 4am on the dot, I awoke with this sudden fear that I was going crazy and that I would probably hurt myself by jumping off the 3rd floor balcony! How horrible to wake up and that be your first thoughts to come into your mind! I jumped up out of bed, made sure the door was locked and wouldn't dare look out the window for fear something would make me go outside and jump! I went to the bathroom turned on the shower to try and take a hot shower and calm myself down, soon as I got my shirt over my head I had this horrible fear that I would die or go crazy! I literally pictured myself in a mental hospital being tied down. I put my shirt back on and turned off the water. I turned the TV on to try and watch TV to take my mind off of these horrible thoughts that were so unreal and mean. When I would come across something negative like news, it would only make me worse!!! I finally found a cartoon station and left it on there. My mind was totally out of control and I couldn't control the horrible thoughts of jumping off the building! I kept asking why am I feeling this way? I'm loosing my mind! I was scared to tell anyone for fear they would think I was crazy and lock me up somewhere!

I took out the bible to find anything to read to make myself feel better, but the more I tried and the more it didn't work the worse I got! Finally as the time passed slowly and my fears where unreal and outrageous I got dressed and found the courage to get down on the bottom floor of the hotel. I ran down those stairs as fast as I could and when I got to the bottom I knew that I would not be able to return back up the stairs! The place that I would soon start working was right beside the hotel, so I walked over to the building and waited for anyone to get to work, it was 6:30 am and I knew they didn't start coming to work until 7am. So I waited still filled with the worst feelings you can imagine.

Finally a woman drove up in uniform and went up to her and asked her if she worked there, she said yes and she was the superintendent. I said thank god! I'm a new person and I just got here last night and I am suppose to report in this morning. She said oh good just have a seat and when someone gets in around 7:30 I'll have them show you around. I said immediately that I needed to talk to someone right away it was important and she could see the distress written on my face, she said ok come in my office and lets talk. I went on to tell her what had happened, trying my best not to sound like I was crazy. She simply smiled at me and said "oh honey, your pregnant with hormones that are running wild and it will pass soon I promise" that statement actually made me worse and I said look to be honest with you I think I'm actually going crazy, I'm not thinking in my right mind, this is never happened and I fear something bad will happen to me. And I need help! She again smiled and said "this is normal don't worry you will be fine" I left her office feeling worse, like she didn't understand and now she just thinks I'm a nut case! I went to the hospital that day and made an appointment, I was still having the worst thoughts of going crazy and my mind wouldn't slow down for 1 minute, I was scared I would hurt myself and something kept telling me to hurt myself and then something else would tell me NO DON'T DO IT! GET HELP!

I had the uneasiest feeling a person could possible have in their mind!

Over time my thoughts became more and more haunting! I would have thoughts that I wouldn't love my baby, that I could hurt my baby on accident but people would think it was on purpose. I feared that I would leave my baby somewhere and she would be alone and I knew I didn't want to think that way or feel that way but I couldn't control those thoughts. Then I felt guilty, so guilty I wanted to die for thinking such horrible thoughts! It was so painful I did anything and everything to stay away from those negative thoughts that were controlling me! I went to work because I had no choice and came straight home, fearing that I would run off the road in my car because something would creep in my mind that would say go ahead run off the road hit that tree! Then something would say no don't do that! You don't really want to hurt yourself, hurry and get home!

When I would get home, I would grab me a snack, make myself get in the tub rinse off and hurry and get out, for some reason being in the bathroom made me worse. I would get my night clothes on and lay down and turn on Golden Girls and only watch that show or cartoons, nothing else. I also got rid of anything that could be dangerous to me, knives, scissors and sharp items I threw all of it away! I wouldn't even answer the phone or leave my house for fear something bad would happen!

My doctor appointment finally came and I set down with him and explained what I was feeling and thinking and at that point I didn't care if he thought I was crazy, I didn't care if they told me I couldn't take care of the baby that I was having, I didn't care about anything anyone thought, because I was so scared that I was crazy, I wanted some help.

The doctor pulled out a few sheets of paper that had about 20 questions on it and he told me to answer them. The 2nd sheet of paper had some symptoms written down about 15 or 20 of them, he told me to circle each word that described how I felt. I did and ended up circling all of them except 2 words and after I was done completing the questions and circling my symptoms which included: Dizziness, derealization, numbness feet, hands, mouth, feeling out of control, feeling like I'm crazy, hyperventilating, heart beating so fast it felt as though it would pop right out of my chest, heart would some times skip a beat, chest was so tight. Eye sight was fuzzy, couldn't slow my thinking down, and felt as though I was living in a nightmlare and couldn't wake up! I felt a little, and I mean little bit better that I had before, because I was assured that I was not the first one to feel this way.

He explained to me that I had what was called a Panic Disorder and it could have been triggered by a number of things, even if I didn't think there was anything negative in my life, my subconscious did and that was its way of telling me I need help. He did his best to explain that I wasn't crazy, and that I may always get those feelings from time to time or that possibly could have been the one and only attack I would ever deal with.....unfortunately it wasn't or isn't, I have dealt with severe anxiety/panic attacks for 6 years now!

After I delivered my daughter I had some depression but nothing compared to the awful feelings of anxiety. The doctor put me on Celexa, and Xanax to control the panic attacks as they came about. The celexa didn't work, it seemed to make me worse, I tried Celexa for 2 months, Zoloft for 3 months, Paxil for 3 months and nothing helped only made my symptoms worse and suffered awful side affects. They finally put me on Prozac which helped so much! I was so happy to start feeling normal again. I felt so good to the point that I almost forgot what it felt like to have anxiety, until it would creep up on me every now and again. I continued to take those meds religiously for the past 5 years and had my anxiety under control (sort of speaking) I could deal with it and I didn't have any more full blown attacks, just anxiety.

My life changed for the better after I was diagnosed with the panic disorder, as odd as that might seem....but last year I got engaged (not my daughter's father) and we set a date and decided that when we got married we would try to have a baby right away! Reason because we both already had kids from previous relationships and we wanted to have a child together but not to much of an age difference in the others. That is when I decided to go off the meds slowly because I wanted to have a healthy baby! I tapered off the meds and 8 months later I became pregnant! I was so excited and one day it hit me "I'm off my meds! What if I get the panic again, like I did with my first pregnancy" the thoughts went out of control and all the negative feelings of fear and unrealization flooded me!

I went back to my doc and she immediately put me back on Prozac, (which by the way I feel no guilt about taking the meds because I know I'm only trying to help myself and if I'm not healthy then the baby is at risk of problems, so its safer to be medicated and in the right mind than to suffer) but wouldn't give me xanax which is what kept me from having a full blown attack!

Now I'm having the panic attacks again, full blown, been hospitalized twice and have the hardest time trying to get a grip of my own thoughts and peace of mind. It's awful, and now the guilt I feel for not being so attentive to my family, friends and work makes things even worse. Unfortunately the meds are not working, but I'm continuing to take them hoping that they will help eventually. The doc did tell me that because I'm pregnant, my body may not react to the meds well, and this has been true, I haven't. So, I'm stuck dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks! Reading about the disorder from different books that I have bought, so much research on the web and having a husband that is supportive and understanding is very helpful.

Though I wish I didn't or anyone didn't have to go through this awful chemical imbalance, at least I know now that I'm not alone, that this is ironically normal, that there are people that understand and there is help out there! Your not different, you just simply have a disorder, just as people have high blood pressure or wear glasses, or have other medical conditions, its not something that "you" created and thought up in your mind! It's a medical condition! I deal with it the best I can, with the help of Doc, counseling, anxiety classes, loving husband and the great woman of the pregnancy and panicked message board thanks to LISA!

I know I will get through this rough time and you can and will too! Anxiety/Panic can't physically hurt you! the more you are aware of the things it will do to your mind and body, the better control you will have over your anxiety. Don't set there and think you're a bad person for feeling those feelings, get help! Find someone who is experienced with panic disorders they are the best to care for you!. Read all about Panic/Anxiety it helps! I pray that people didn't have to go through with such an awful mind controlling illness. I hope if you read this, you know you are not alone.

By knjrappoccio@yahoo.com