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Fire
By Lois Fogg

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Chapter Six
Denial

Mina, Raye and Amy waited for me at the train station. I had come at the last possible moment; classes started the next morning. I could tell that they were worried about me. After I read Darien’s letter, I had refused to talk to anyone for a week. Mina had been rather persistent, calling me practically every day, and I guess that she had talked to Raye and Amy about it as well. I was happy to see them, although I didn’t really want to talk about Darien. It was good to know that at least some people still cared about me. Mina ran up and catapulted herself at me almost as soon as I got off the train.

“Serena, are you all right? What happened?” She could tell, I suppose, just by looking at my eyes that something was wrong. But Mina was like that. Raye and Amy hugged me as well, and I began to feel overwhelmed. Maybe it would be good to talk about it, after all. I had had to hide myself from my parents. I knew that they could never understand me. As I looked in my friends’ faces, all the emotions that I had bottled inside of me the past week came exploding to the surface and I began to cry. I felt rather stupid, crying in the middle of a train station, surrounded by three other girls, but it felt so necessary, that I didn’t even care.

“Come on, Serena. Let’s go to the bathroom and you can tell us all about it.” Mina said. Raye helpfully supplied some tissues, looking incredibly confused. Amy glanced at Mina, as if wondering what she should do. We made it to the bathroom and, since no one else was there at that particular moment, locked ourselves in.

“I love you guys.” I said honestly, looking at my puffy face in the mirror.

“It’s Darien, isn’t it?” Amy said suddenly, looking triumphant. I stared at her.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“First, because he’s the only one who can do this to you, and second because I saw him yesterday and he looked almost exactly like you did when you stepped off the train.”

I was angry at myself for feeling the first stirrings of hope when Amy said that. I was nothing to him, his letter had explained that patently to me. There was nothing left of our relationship for him to regret. He must have been upset about something else. They were looking at me expectantly. I took a deep breath and explained everything to them. I did not need the letter, its words were branded on my memory, forever. I had repeated his words to myself constantly, this past week. I knew it was masochistic, but there were times that I just couldn’t believe that he didn’t love me. He had said so, in fact, that second to last day, but apparently he hadn’t meant it. But when I thought about that time on the beach, or those countless times—even before we admitted to each other—that we argued in the ice cream parlor, I could not believe that he did not love me. But that just showed how much I knew, didn’t it? Mina’s expression mirrored the disbelief on my face. Amy looked sad and Raye’s expression was positively unreadable.

“Serena, why didn’t you tell us?” Amy asked.

“I…I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. I still love him. I can’t believe that this is happening.”

“I can’t believe that he would throw something like this away!” Mina raged, suddenly. “Doesn’t he understand what you two have? God, I could just strangle him!”

“I can understand it.” Raye said quietly, and we all looked at her in disbelief. “I don’t agree with him, but I can understand why he feels like that. I’m not exactly the richest person myself, and if his life was as hard as all that, I can see why he wouldn’t be able to be with someone like Serena.”

“What do you mean, someone like me?” I shouted, easily sliding into one of my constant arguments with Raye. “I hate my lifestyle. My fondest wish is to forget all of the crap my father throws at me, but it’s not like I can change how I was born or where I was! I’m sorry for Darien, more than I can say, but does he have to make my life a living hell just because of the accident of my birth?”

“I said I disagreed with him!” Raye retorted, angrily. “Yes, he should be able to look beyond that and to the person you really are. But he must have known you were rich, even if he didn’t know who your father was, and he still dated you. That must have been the final straw, when he found out.”

Raye’s words hit me like a lead bullet in the stomach. Of course. I had known that something in our relationship was hurting him deeply, but I could never understand it. The expression on his face when the stranger had identified me had just been a stronger version of the one I had seen several times before. But he had still allowed himself to love me, then. If only I had been more observant, maybe I could have stopped this before it happened. But I had lived in my own dream world, and now he was gone, forever.

“You guys,” I said, crying again. “What am I supposed to do?”

No one answered me.


He was in my government class. I hadn’t known he was taking it, I didn’t mean for it to happen. In fact, I nearly dropped my books when I saw him, sitting pensively in the second row of the lecture hall. I panicked, staring blindly around me, praying to God that he wouldn’t see me. But it was as if some sixth sense had triggered him to my presence, because almost as soon as I stepped in the door, he turned around and stared. I held his eyes, frozen, for a moment. I saw his emotions flit past: shock, relief, anger, sadness, and then he turned away. Shaken, I moved from the doorway and took a seat in the far back row. My first thought was that I should switch out of the class immediately. How could I handle seeing him every day, like this, and pretending that nothing was ever between us? But something within me rebelled at the thought of backing down from him. If I respected myself at all, I could not allow him to push me in a corner. I raised my chin stubbornly, and glared at the back of Darien’s neck. I had cried all night, but I was not going to give him the pleasure of seeing what he had done to me. I would be a happy and carefree Serena—at least around him. I was disturbed from my thoughts by the girl next to me.

“Um…excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to have a pen, would you?” She said, putting her hand behind her head in an embarrassed fashion. “I think I forgot one.” She finished. I smiled at her.

“Sure, let me see.” I said, and rummaged through my bag, looking for one. She stared in amazement at the pile of junk that accumulated in front of my bag: an apple, several lollipops, caramel, lots of tissues, an extra pair of socks and a walkman. Finally, I raised my hand triumphantly, holding the pen.

“Here it is!” I said breathlessly. She stared at me, her mouth open. “Do you want it?” I asked, after a while.

“Is that…a ‘Rainbow Brite’ pen?” She asked finally, disbelief in her eyes.

“Well,” I said, blushing, “I guess so. Sorry about that. If it’s too dorky or anything—“

She started to laugh, and shook her head, “No, no, don’t worry. I love it. I used to watch Rainbow Brite too.” She took the pen, and stared at me again, a smile on her face.

“My name is Lita. Can I have a caramel?”

“Sure,” I said, brightening, and handed her a couple. It was then that I noticed the extent of the disaster on the floor, and started putting the junk back inside my bag.

“I’m Serena.” I said from the floor, holding my hand up for her to shake. She laughed again and shook it, peering down to where I was picking up the junk.

“How do you fit all that in there anyway?” She asked curiously.

“Oh, I don’t know, I just pick these things up, and then when I need something, I have to dump them all out again. It’s a big pain. I’ve been meaning to clean it…”

“But haven’t gotten around to it yet? I could tell that much.”

I kept the apple, and sat up in the chair. I would have said something, but the professor entered the room just then, and I busily began taking notes.


Two hours later, Lita and I stuffed ourselves in layers of warm clothes and strolled outside.

“Do you like ice cream?” Lita asked, and felt as if someone had hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat. Did I like ice cream?

“Yes.” I said in a small voice, praying that she wasn’t going where I thought she was.

“There’s this great ice cream place down the street,” Oh yes, she was going there,“called Glifford’s. Do you want to go?”

Well, it *had* been a long time since I had had a milkshake. Of course, I couldn’t possibly go if Darien were working there, but it was the middle of the day and he still had classes. His shift wasn’t until later, so I was safe. Wiping the look of panic from my face, I smiled at Lita.

“Sure, I love that place.” I said.

“Then let’s go,” she said, dragging me by my hand, “I’m going to freeze if we stay out here much longer.”

Although I had known that Darien wouldn’t be there, I still felt relieved when I saw the zit-faced boy behind the counter. At least I was safe now. I wasn’t planning to do it, but the words escaped my mouth before I could stop them.

“Can I have a strawberry-chocolate milkshake with vanilla syrup?” It had been so long since I had ordered one! Well, not so very long, but that time in my life seemed impossibly far away. He looked at me with a surprised expression, and then turned around to fill the order. I breathed a sigh of relief, since he had not recognized me. Maybe I had given myself too much credit. After all, having dated Darien Chiba is not exactly cause for celebrity status.

“Hey, I know who you are!” He said, handing me my milkshake, “Aren’t you that girl whose dating Darien?” Right, I definitely thought too soon.

“Was dating Darien, you should say.” I said, a little too bitterly, I think. He blushed and Lita gave me a confused look. Why was I always doing things like that? I ought to be able to control myself better, I knew, but the very mention of Darien seemed to make me lose all control over myself I ever had. Lita ordered a plain chocolate milkshake and we sat down at the far table. She shook her long brown ponytail out from under her hat, and placed it on the chair next to her.

“So *you’re* the one who is dating Darien.” She said reflectively, sipping her milkshake. I blushed furiously, and stared angrily at the table. How had it gotten around so quickly? There was no way I could get over him myself if everyone else kept reminding me about him! The necklace seemed to burn into my chest painfully.

“*Was* dating Darien.” I corrected with angry emphasis. “But he tabled that one officially.”

“Woah!” Lita said, startled. “A little bitter, are we?”

“Sorry,” I muttered, staring into my milkshake. It wasn’t as good as the ones Darien made. “How’d you hear about it, anyway?” I asked.

“You think any girl who held Darien’s attention the way you did would escape the notice of the entire college? I had to hear about you, even if I didn’t want to.”

“He’s that popular?” I asked, smiling slightly.

“He’s just the hottest thing on two legs, that’s all.” She said, leaning back in her chair.

I cracked a smile. “Well, that’s true, at least.”

“So, if you don’t mind my asking, what happened? Last I checked he was totally in love with you. Don’t tell me he got bored?” She said inquisitively. I wondered if I should tell her. It was strange, I had just met Lita, but already she seemed like a close friend.

“No, I don’t mind.” I said finally. “Maybe you’ll be able to make more sense out of it than I have.” I told her an edited version of the story, leaving out a lot of details of his childhood. I didn’t think Darien would appreciate it if I told his life story to the entire university. I was tempted to tell her about the bunny, but something held me back. It was his one incomprehensible gesture, the one thing he had done that made me suspect he may still care about me, and I couldn’t give up that hope.

“Well, that’s got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard! If he can’t see you for who you are, then he doesn’t deserve to have you.” She said, slapping the table for emphasis.

“But,” I said, dangerously close to tears, “I think he may still love me. Do you really think I should give that up?”

“Give what up?” Lita asked frankly. “He was the one who broke up with you. As far as he’s concerned, whatever happened is in the past. Pick up and get over it. Like I said, if he’s going to be that stupid, it definitely isn’t good to wail after him like some lost sheep.”

I stared at her, mouth open. Mina and the others had tiptoed around me since I told them, but Lita just came right in and said what she was thinking. I was tempted to resent it, but what I really felt was overwhelmingly grateful. Maybe she was right. Maybe I really shouldn’t pine after him like this. Even if I did still love him, I could get over it. Not many people loved forever and obviously Darien was one of the many.

“Do you know, I think you’re right.” I said slowly. “Yeah, I’ll try to forget him.”

Lita smiled, and swung her ponytail over her shoulder. “That’s the right idea. Watch, it’ll be easier than you think.”

Except it seemed that someone had given Darien some similar advice, perfectly timed to hit me when I was most vulnerable. The next day, as I was hurrying to class, I ran straight into a couple, obviously on a date. My books flew out of my gloved hands, and I bent down to pick them up, muttering apologies through my scarf. It was in the negative temperatures that day with wind chill, and I had put my scarf around my head and face so only my eyes showed through. When I stood back up again, I recognized them.

“Darien? Raye?” I said, but it came out in a squeak. I saw the rough play of emotions in his eyes again, ending with bitterness. Raye looked embarrassed, not quite willing to meet my eyes. It had only been three days since I told her what had happened. How could she do this to me? For that matter, how could *he* do this to me. I felt the tears behind my eyes, and I knew that I would never be able to live with myself if I cried in front of him.

“Sorry.” I said again, inexplicably, and ran as quickly away from them as I possibly could. I could feel control of myself slipping quietly away, and my tears wet my scarf. I couldn’t go to class crying, but something told me that there was no holding this one back. Although I did not, as a rule, skip class, I decided that this time there was no helping it. I ran blindly away until I had to stop. When I looked up, I found myself in front of a small library I had never been inside. Pulling my scarf closer around my face to mask my red eyes, I entered. It was cozy, practically empty, and filled with exactly the kind of little nooks and crannies that I needed. There was a room, on the second floor, with large windows and dusty shelves of books. Quietly, I shut the door behind me, and sat in the chair, numbly staring outside. It looked like it was going to snow, I thought distantly. Slowly, I slid the scarf from my face; it was soaked with my tears. I removed the rest of my gear with equal deliberation, observing the growing pile on the floor. Then I looked out the window again. Sitting on a bench below me were a couple. The man embraced the woman, and her head fit perfectly on his shoulder. It was the kind of classic picture that always made me sigh with longing, but now had a much deeper effect on me. The man wasn’t Darien, and the woman wasn’t Raye, but it was still the same. Darien didn’t love me, and Raye had betrayed me. The tears slipped out quietly now, as I stared at them. The sound of my heart shattering was inaudible.

My despair was less dramatic after that. I found that it was easier for me to present a happy face to the world. Mina and Amy were relieved, and I had not seen Raye for three days. But I always disappeared to my corner in that library when I began to feel overwhelmed. I knew that no one could really understand what was happening to me, and I didn’t want them to worry about me. But, I didn’t know if I would ever get over Darien’s rejection. I had not known that it was possible to feel so much pain over one person. Sometimes I thought that it would have been more humane for him to kill me. I hid the bunny well under my layers of clothing, but sometimes I reached for it convulsively, making sure that he had actually given it to me.

Lita, however, was less easily fooled than the others. Perhaps it was because she didn’t know Raye, and didn’t have any reason to*want* to believe that I was happy with our separation. She tried to cheer me up, but after three days, she just came straight to the point.

“Serena, it’s not just me. You have been more upset these past three days than you were when it first happened.”

I roughly suppressed the tears that were always just below the surface. “No, don’t worry Lita, I’m fine.” I said, quickly burying my head back in my book. We were studying together for our first big test in Government. Since it was entirely too cold outside for either of us to contemplate going to the library, we had staked ourselves out in the coffee shop of Peabody Hall. Lita rolled her eyes and pushed my book back down on the table.

“Serena, I like you. I have the feeling that you’re not usually like this, and I really don’t think that it’s healthy for you to mope around after some guy for an entire week.”

“Lita, there’s really nothing that either of us can do about it. Come on, let’s just study for this, all right?” Lita looked so worried that I felt terrible for brushing her aside like that. But it was true what I had said—talking wasn’t going to solve anything. Maybe time would, but I was even beginning to doubt that.

“I’ll leave it alone, if you want me too. But nothing is going to change unless you make it happen. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.” Something entered her eyes just then that made me wonder what she was thinking of. “Not in the same way, maybe, but I do know. Maybe it doesn’t get any easier, but you have to fight the pain or it will devour you.”

I wondered had happened to her, but I knew that I shouldn’t ask. The look in her eyes just then echoed the loss she had just spoken of, and the one I was experiencing. Silently, I held her hand across the table and smiled slightly. She smiled in return. “We’ll get through this.” She seemed to say, and I nodded.

I sure hoped so, at least.


I was surprised to find Raye in the dorm when I walked in. I don’t know where she had gone, but ever since I had seen her with Darien, I had not seen her. I was tempted, when I saw the back of her head, to close the door and walk to Mina’s room, but something stopped me. I think it was anger. The second I saw her, the betrayal I had felt for three days rose to the surface and I felt angry enough to punch her. It wasn’t like me to get angry, but when I did I tended to leave a path of destruction in my wake. I slammed the door behind me, and she turned around in surprise. She looked expectant, but fearful, and I knew that she had been waiting for me. I crossed my arms in front of me and glared at her.

She took a deep breath. “Serena, we need to talk.”

“No kidding.” I said quietly, restraining myself from screaming or hitting her. The anger seemed to eat at my insides like a malevolent fire. We stared at each other for a moment, in silent battle, and then the words that had been inside of me for three days came spewing forth.

“Raye, how could you do this to me?” My voice raised several decibels, even louder than when I had screamed at Darien. “You *knew* what he had done, you knew how I felt about him, you knew exactly what had happened, and you still went on a date with him? Do you care about me at all, Raye? Do you want to hurt me? Because if you did, then you definitely have succeeded.”

Raye flinched at the end, and I stepped closer to her.

“Serena, you knew I liked Darien. I don’t see how you could expect me not to respond to him, when your relationship is clearly over. I’m sorry that it had to happen so soon, but since Darien doesn’t seem to think that there was much between you, I don’t see why you have to make such a big deal about it—“ She had stood up, and we were inches away from each other. I don’t think that I had ever been so angry in my life. My hands were clenched rigidly at my sides.

“Raye, just answer this: did he ask you out? Are you two a couple?”

She blushed. “No, not really. But he was walking me to class, and it’s obvious that he is heading in that direction. I did not stop it, and I will not stop it because you are overreacting. He never loved you. He said that himself. If you choose to live under the delusion that a guy like Darien would ever like, let alone love, an immature, spoiled, crybaby like you—“

I didn’t let her finish. It was too much. I slapped her as hard as I possibly could and ran out of the room. I could barely see where I was going through my tears, and I was lucky as I hurtled myself down the stairs that I didn’t sprain my ankle again, or do anything worse to myself. I ran out the building, and the shock of the cold and snow was somehow refreshing. The snow was already six inches high, and it had only been falling for an hour. I stumbled through it around the nearly deserted campus, unaware of where my subconscious was leading me. I stopped when I tripped over a rock, hidden by the snow, and crashed down. I sat up, shivering and looked around me. I was surprised when I realized that I was right next to Darien’s dorm. Of course. My subconscious would have that vicious sort of humor, wouldn’t it? I shivered violently, and suddenly realized that I was only wearing my lighter coat and I was still wearing my moccasin slippers. I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to keep as warm as I could. I stood up, and spotted a bench a little way off. I brushed the snow from the seat and sat down. I didn’t really know where to go. I knew that I couldn’t go back to the dorm, and that I really didn’t want to move. If I was cold, perhaps it was fit punishment for allowing myself to love someone like Darien. The snow covered me slowly, and I made no move to brush it off. My body seemed distant from the rest of my emotions. The fact that I was cold was understood and distantly registered, but did nothing to affect me. I sat on that bench for perhaps an hour, unaware of how dangerously cold I was growing. I became vaguely aware, after an hour, of the only person I had seen since I had come here. I stared at him silently, wondering if he would notice me. There was no surprise, when I recognized him as Darien. Of course he would be coming back this late—he had the night shift at the ice cream parlor. I huddled on the bench sure that he would pass me by, but my heart still thudded painfully with anticipation. But he walked right by where I was sitting and did not look my way. But just as I felt the grief welling within me, he stopped. My breath caught. Slowly, as if he sensed my presence some other way than his five senses, he turned and saw me. Our eyes locked.

“Serena?” He called over the wind. “Is that you? What the hell are you doing out here?” I found, to my surprise, that I couldn’t speak. A combination of cold and desire had taken my voice away. He walked over to where I was sitting, and I saw that the snow was over a foot deep.

“Serena, it’s way too cold for you to be out here.” He said with a concern that made me wonder if he did love me after all.

“S-sorry,” I stuttered through chattering teeth. I really didn’t know why I kept apologizing around him. The wind picked up so we could barely hear each other, even inches away. He looked at the snow, worried.

“All right, come on.” He said urgently and wrapped his arm around my waist. I didn’t know if he felt the same thrill at the touch that I did. I tried to stand up, but found that my legs had cramped and fallen asleep. We stumbled together through the snow, and while I tried to walk properly, my limbs did not seem to want to function. He picked me up when we reached the stairs, and carried me, shaking, into a small room with a couple of couches and a fireplace. There was one other person there, who stared at us when we came in. Darien ignored him. I buried my face into his chest, smelling again what I never would have expected. I was aware of the tension between us, the crackling fire just below the surface. Apparently he was too, because his face was oddly flushed when he put me down next to the fireplace. He did not look at me when he took some wood from a pile and shoved some into the dying fire. He lit a match and tossed that in as well, pocketing them afterwards. As I felt myself thaw, I looked at Darien again. He looked surprisingly tired, with a distinct five o’clock shadow. His eyes seemed haunted. I wanted to reach out to him, but I remained huddled in front of the fire, shivering. When he was done with the fire, he looked at me, oddly vulnerable.

“I’ll be right back.” He said quietly, and I watched him retreat. I felt like I had entered a parallel universe. Of all things I had expected this day to bring, being carried by Darien after practically freezing to death was not one of them. I could not seem to think properly. The only thing I was aware of was that finally I was close to Darien again, and the feeling was like a salve for all the pain I had experienced over the past two weeks. He came back quickly, carrying a blanket and a towel. By now the other person had given up all pretense of studying and was watching us curiously. I was silent as he peeled my now soaking jacket off. He took off my moccasins too, with a frown creasing his forehead. I could not seem to focus on that, though, only the way his hands felt as they brushed against my feet. I did notice how his hands shook when he gently released my hair from its perpetual dumplings. He squeezed some of the water out of my hair with the towel, and then wrapped me in the blanket. He was silent throughout it all, although his frown grew more pronounced as it went on. When he was finished, he leaned back on his heels, and I knew he felt frustrated.

“Serena, do you have a death wish?” he said finally, his voice revealing more concern than anger. I looked at him, upset and slightly ashamed. It had been stupid of me to just sit out there.

“No.” I said quietly, daring a look in his eyes, and then back down. The pools of blue looked fundamentally disturbed.

“What were you doing out there?” he asked again, loudly.

It was obvious that I was still not quite in control of myself, or I would never have responded as I did. “Thinking about you.” I said, and I could tell that my answer stunned him. We were silent for a minute.

“You scared me, Serena,” he said finally. I looked at him for an electric moment, and then smiled sleepily. Perhaps he did love me, after all. He must have seen me slipping away. He pulled a couch closer to the fire, and picked me up. I fell asleep almost as soon as he put me down, his worried face the last thing I saw before sinking into dreamless oblivion.


I woke up, inexplicably, three hours later. I was alone in the lounge, and the fire had died down. Darien was nowhere to be seen. I was tempted to fall asleep again, but some crazed hope stopped me. I remembered what he had done for me, and the way he had looked. Perhaps this night was my last chance to show him what we meant to each other. He looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him before. If I didn’t try now, then I would lose my chance at love forever. Lita’s voice came ringing back to me, making my decision final: “Nothing is going to change unless you make it happen.” I had to at least try. Even if I failed miserably, I would never regret this night. I extricated myself from the blanket, and stood up. My legs felt unsteady, and I wondered what would have happened to me if Darien hadn’t come along when he did. I walked out of the room, feeling the unfamiliar weight of my hair out of its ponytails. It occurred to me as I walked up the stairs that I had no idea what to do when I got to Darien’s room. I knew I had to convince him, somehow, that he really did love me, but I didn’t know how to do it. Something pushed me forward, however, and I did not hesitate as I turned his doorknob and walked inside. He had been lying on his bed with his clothes still on, staring at the ceiling. He sat up almost as soon as I opened the door, relaxing slightly when he saw who it was. I grew suddenly aware of what I was doing, and how marvelously stupid it was. How could I possibly expect to be able to change his mind? It had been my goal the entire time, but now, faced with the prospect, I could have run straight out the door. Darien stopped me.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, but his voice was gentle. What could I say? ‘I wanted to talk to you?’ I didn’t really know the answer to his question myself. And then, it seemed like another entity took over my body. I lost all my shyness, all my fear. I stared at Darien, and I shuddered.

“The fire went out.” I said, which was true, except both Darien and I knew that it wasn’t meant literally. I saw him gulp, but he said nothing. For a moment I contemplated doing what I had longed to do for the past two years. For a moment I contemplated seducing Darien, the one man I loved, and the most accomplished lover at Harvard. But I knew I could never do it, not really. I knew that having sex with him would not change his mind. Not much would change his mind. It was his decision. I could only tell him how I felt and hope that he would understand. Slowly I walked to the bed and straddled him. His eyes grew impossibly wide. I knew that he responded to me; his eyes left mine involuntarily and traveled the length of my body. I was aware of a growing sense of trepidation. I did not know what I was doing.

And then, something occurred to me. I knew what I had to do. I knew that any less would be cowardly and any more unthinkable. I leaned forward, reaching into his pocket, and pulled out the small box of matches he had put there earlier. I took a match, and tossed the rest on the floor. His breathing grew shallow as I leaned forward again. I had read once that you could strike a match on the cheek of an unshaved man and Darien had obviously not shaved for about two days. Praying that it would work, I gently brought the match to his cheek, and flicked my wrist. It lit immediately, like something more than friction had ignited it. I brought the flame to my face, aware of its eerie effect. With my free hand I reached under my shirt and pulled out the bunny necklace so that the light would catch it. I knew Darien understood. I could barely see Darien’s face, only his eyes, and they spoke volumes to me.

“I love you, Darien.” I said quietly, still holding the low- burning match. “You can push me away all you want. You can date my roommate, and you can lie to yourself, but I know that you love me even if you won’t admit it. The fire between us can’t go out so easily as this.”

I blew out the match, the moment before it burned my fingers, and the world was plunged in darkness. I left that room then, and it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I knew that if I had stayed, he would finally have given me what I had wanted for two years. But I also knew that in the morning he would have left, and betrayed me once again. He had to come to terms with me alone, in the dark. I would not give myself to him, not like this. My eyes were painfully dry when I closed the door quietly behind me. I had done all I could, if he rejected me, there was no turning back.


I did not see him at all over the weekend or Monday. At least, I comforted myself, no news was good news. Lita was pleased to see that I was acting more like my usual self. I was disappointed that Darien hadn’t come to class on Monday, but, I reasoned, that really didn’t mean anything. He would let me know what he had decided, somehow. I allowed my natural optimism to take over. I knew that he loved me, after that night, how could he possibly deny it? He had wrestled with his demons during the night and any moment he would come to me and tell me so. We could be happy together forever, now. In fact, I had worked myself into such a state of happiness that after class, I suggested that Lita and I go out for lunch at this fantastic Mongolian restaurant down the street.

“Wow,” Lita said, impressed, “you sure *are* feeling better today, aren’t you? I had to bully you into going out all last week. Did Darien declare his eternal love for you, or something?” She asked, and I winced a little.

“No.” I said. Well not yet anyway, but I didn’t say that to her. I hadn’t told anyone about that night. It was my own little treasure, for me to think about when I grew upset that Darien hadn’t told me anything yet.

“Well, all right, let’s go.” Lita said, and it took me a moment to realize that she was saying that she did want to go out with me.

“Wait, let’s stop by my dorm, I have to get my coat.” I hadn’t gone back to the dorm since that night, but I figured that Raye wouldn’t be there at this time, so it was OK. Lita waited for me in the lounge, and I sprinted up the stairs two at a time. I was glad that the room genuinely was empty, and I grabbed my coat and gloves and ran out again. I would have rounded the corner, but I heard some familiar voices over by the elevator. I never took the elevator, more out of impatience than anything else, but it was next to the staircase. I stopped, my breath in my throat. Could it really be them? Mina and Amy had talked to me since that night, trying to get me to reconcile with Raye. Since I had refused, it was silly of me to get so upset that they would go out without me, but I still felt hurt. That, however, was a mild reaction when I heard what they were talking about.

“I can’t believe it!” Raye said happily, too happily for my taste. I peered around the corner. Amy and Mina gave each other a wary look.

“But what about Serena?” Amy ventured. Raye looked annoyed.

“She’ll get over it. You know how melodramatic Serena is, I’ll bet she never really loved him in the first place.”

“Raye,” Mina said, frowning, “you know she did.” Raye looked guilty for about half a second. “I suppose. But even she’ll get used to the idea of Darien being my boyfriend.” I suppose they must have heard the sound of my body hitting the floor. I wouldn’t know, though. My spirit had flown away with my transient happiness, and hidden itself away on some cold, lonely beach.

- - -

Well, hello again! Thanks so much for everybody who is taking the time to read this story—I really appreciate it. In case you haven’t noticed, Fire is getting darker with each chapter, but I repeat that you can count on my penchant for happy endings. I will admit that things are going to get (if anything) more complicated, and more frustrating, but that means all the more fun when things finally turn out right side up. For those of you who are wondering how many chapters this thing has: there are about nine, but one of them is an ‘interlude’. I am *still* dying over the ending, but don’t worry, I’ll get my act together, I swear ;D Thanks to everyone on the discussion board…it’s really fun talking to all you moonies, since you’re just about as crazy as I am! Well, that’s all I have to say, for all those of you who liked this, PLEASE EMAIL ME!!

Oh yeah, and before I forget, I *never* remember to put a disclaimer in this story, so here it is, this biggest, most official disclaimer you’ve ever seen: I DON’T OWN SAILOR MOON!! I bet that was a big shock huh? All this time you’ve been reading my story and you haven’t seen a single disclaimer and you started to think: “I wonder if she really *does* own Sailor Moon…”

Finally (I swear, I’ll shut up after this), I’m making a shout out to Rema—did you get my email? If you did, write me back, I’m *super* curious!

Thanks everyone!
Lois