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Fire
By Lois Fogg

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Chapter Four
Another World

I walked through the next week in a haze of delirium. Sometimes I was explosively happy, and at others I was irrepressibly sad. I was always confused. Darien’s actions on the secluded beach had confused me, and no matter how much I thought about it, I still did not understand what had happened. Although I was a virgin, I had wanted him so badly that night. I knew that he had wanted me too, and from what I had heard, I had not thought he had any qualms about it. But he had stopped, and left me to grasp at the pieces of our desire. We had not gone nearly so far since then, in fact, we had not had the chance. It was strange, actually meeting him on campus—I had always associated him with the ice cream parlor. But we could not seem to get away from each other, and were together nearly every spare moment. It was those times with him that I was happiest, existing as a whole person. It really did seem that I was not quite complete without him, like I was an unfinished poem, or an open circle. He completed me and made me full. But he confused me and was different from me in ways I could not understand. I knew that behind those eyes lurked a painful past that he refused to talk about, even to me. I needed to know. He was hurting, and I could tell, no matter how well he hid it, that something in our relationship was slowly destroying him. We kissed like we were drowning, and the other was our only insurance against death. Perhaps, on some emotional level, it was true.

But then it was exam week, and even lovers had to study. Amy was hard pressed to keep my attention on the subject, and she refused to allow us to study at Glifford’s, knowing that she would lose me entirely. We only reviewed Shakespeare as a treat, since she knew perfectly well that that was my best subject. Chemistry received considerably more attention, to my annoyance. Mina felt like I did about the subject, but we dutifully balanced equations and formed orbitals. Raye had decided to come and study with us as well, and the four of us became permanent fixtures of the library that week.

“Serena,” Mina said, during one of our breaks, “I still can’t get over how romantic you and Darien are. Everyone’s talking about you two, you know.”

“Mina!” Amy exclaimed. She was just as curious as the rest of them, but hid it better. “Don’t harass her!”

“I don’t mind, Amy.” I said, actually relieved to be able to discuss Darien again.

“Well, I always *knew* it was going to happen.” Mina continued, looking smug. “Anyone could tell from the way you guys look at each other that it was meant to be.”

I blushed, but felt inexplicably grateful that she thought so. As unsubtle as Mina could be, she was usually right on the mark about these things. Raye, who had not looked up during our conversation, made some sort of noise after Mina’s remark.

“What’s that, Raye?” I asked, turning to her. She had been behaving oddly ever since that night at the ice cream parlor.

“Never mind.” She muttered, and buried her face inside her textbook.

Amy, unexpectedly, broke the silence.

“You two certainly seem happy together. Do you love him?” I stared at her, startled at the question. But these were my friends. I could tell them the truth, couldn’t I?

“Yes.” I answered, finally. “More than I can handle, I think.” Amy and Mina looked at me with perfect understanding, but we were all startled when Raye slammed her textbook down on the table.

“Will you saps just shut up! Just shut up already about stupid Serena and Darien, and stupid true love!” She shouted, and everyone else in the library stared at her in surprise. With flashing eyes, Raye grabbed her books and stalked away.

“What the hell was that all about?” Mina asked, staring after her.

“I don’t know, Serena, do you? You’re her roommate. Has she been acting strange lately?”

At first I was about to say no, but then I realized that they were right. Only, I had been to involved in my dream world to notice. “I—think so.” I said, slowly. She was jealous of Darien and me. That was the only answer, and one I should have seen coming. She had always looked uncomfortable when we argued back and forth in the parlor and her expression while she was leaving the last time had been one of disgust. She liked Darien, and I had stolen him from her.

“Listen,” I said urgently, getting up. “I’ll go talk to her, all right? Just wait here.” I rushed out of the library to the hallway she had exited from. I looked up and down, but there was no sign of her. The only other place she could be was the bathroom, so I walked inside. I jumped when I heard someone else open the door behind me.

“Raye?” I called, but when I turned around fully I saw who it was. Not Raye, but Beryl , an obnoxious girl in my Shakespeare class who I had seen Darien flirting with a couple of times. I had assumed that she was one of his many girlfriends. Before he met me, of course, because if I was just another one of his girls, I would never be able to live with myself.

“Hi Serena.” Beryl said flippantly, eyeing me with the kind of look that made me want to glance over my shoulder to see if someone was attacking me.

“Hi, Beryl.” I said uncomfortably, edging towards the door. Why was she talking to me? I had to find Raye, but she was blocking my way out.

“Wait a minute, Serena.” She said my name with this edge in her voice that alarmed me. “We need to talk.”

“No we don’t.” I insisted. “I’m busy right now, all right. We can talk later, if it’s so important.”

“It *is* so important.” She insisted, resolutely blocking the door with her arms on her hips. Her red hair tumbled down her back in a fashion that I’m sure many guys would appreciate but made me even more annoyed.

“Listen Beryl—“ I began, really frustrated.

“No, you listen. I hear that you are under the impression you’ve finally nabbed Darien.”

“Nabbed him?” I asked incredulously. “I haven’t nabbed anyone. We’re going out. It was a mutual agreement.”

Beryl raised her eyebrows. “I’m sure it was. Not many girls would refuse to go out with Darien Chiba. In fact, there are so few, that Darien—out of the goodness of his heart, I’m sure—goes out with several at a time. And not for very long at that.”

My heart sank straight into my stomach. I knew that I would have to face this some time, I knew that however sure I was of him, every one else would think he was using me just like he had used everyone else. If I were to be honest to myself, I would have realized that I wasn’t quite sure of him either. I had *seen* him flirt with so many girls, and I had heard countless stories of his exploits. I refused to share my doubts with Beryl, however. I knew all she was trying to do was get Darien for herself. For a moment the absurdity of the situation struck me. I was actually fighting over a guy! Well if it had to be anyone, I was glad that it was Darien.

“Beryl, I don’t know what agenda you have, but it’s not going to work. I know that Darien loves me,” actually, he had never said so, and flinched when I did, but now was not the time to mention that either. “And that whatever he may have done in the past, he’s not doing it anymore. So, if you thought you could intimidate me into dumping him so you could ‘nab’ him for yourself, you’ve got something else coming.”

And with that, I forced my way out the door, rewarded with the small satisfaction of seeing Beryl completely flustered and at a loss.


I finally found Raye, several hours later. Well, actually, she found me. After giving up the search, I had gathered up my books and trudged back to my dorm. The Chemistry exam was tomorrow, and I was just as prepared as I was going to get. Despite that, I crammed nervously for a few more hours, waiting and hoping that Raye would come back eventually. I had to talk to her. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I had come to value our friendship, and I didn’t want to see it torn apart by a guy. Finally, around eleven she walked through the door.

“Raye—“

“Serena—“ We said simultaneously. We looked at each other, and a smile cracked our faces.

“We need to talk.” She said quietly, and sat down on her bed.

“Yeah.” I agreed, and waited.

“Well, I guess, I sort of had a crush on Darien.” She said finally. I didn’t say anything. “And, not like it was very big or anything, he’s not my type, but the more I saw you two together, the more jealous I got. But then, I didn’t think anything would ever happen, and when it did, I guess I got sort of angry. See, nothing like that ever happens to me. It’s not like I *really* wanted Darien, but I *do* want the type of romance that you have with him. And then, today, when I had been thinking about it and getting angrier and angrier, Mina and Amy had to start talking about it and…well, I guess I went a little crazy.”

I resisted the temptation to snort, but she caught my expression.

“All right, maybe a lot crazy. But, I can’t say that it’s all better now, but I took a walk, I calmed down. I want to be your friend, Serena. I really do, and I definitely don’t want some stupid guy to tear us apart. Even though we fight sometimes, you’re pretty cool.”

I don’t know exactly what set us off. Raye wasn’t nearly as emotional as I, but in that moment, we suddenly burst into tears simultaneously. We hugged each other, and for a moment, the world sat right side up again. It was, however, a fleeting pleasure.


The chemistry exam went remarkably well, but I left the test knowing that science was not meant for Serena Johnston. There was only one more exam left, and that was Shakespeare. Considering that I knew every play we had studied practically by heart, and then some, I wasn’t too worried. Mina, Raye and Amy, however, still had to study, which left me with some free time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I thought I would go and find Darien, since I hadn’t seen him for two days, although we had called each other. He was on the pre-med track, and taking super-advanced courses. I didn’t really want to bother him when he needed to study, but I knew that he was having his easiest exam last, like I was. Besides, if I didn’t see him today, he might leave for Christmas without ever seeing me. Resolved, I ran all the way to Johnston hall—I had always thought it a sign that his dorm hall had my last name. I sprinted up the stairs to the top floor, too cold and impatient to wait for the elevator. When I finally ran, gasping to his room, I saw that the door was partly open. Calling out his name loudly and happily, I pushed the door open the rest of the way and walked inside.

“It’s me, your lovely, wonder—“ I stopped mid-word when I saw him. He wasn’t alone. He was pressed against a wall, his hands by his sides, and on top of him was Beryl.

They were kissing.

I recognized this in a split instant, and already, Darien had moved to push Beryl off of him. He shoved her ruthlessly down on the floor and called my name. I hadn’t said anything. I hadn’t even moved. So it was true then. Everything that Beryl had said had been true. I felt cheated, humiliated and betrayed. I stared at him, my mouth open, but no sounds able to form. Suddenly the world had collapsed, and it had buried my broken body under a pile of grief.

“Serena, it’s not like you think!” He began, running to me and grabbing my hands. The grip galvanized me, and I wrenched mine away.

“Oh, isn’t it? She tried to warn me,” I pointed to Beryl, “But I didn’t listen! I trusted you, Darien. You fucking asshole, I trusted you! I love you, and you do this to me. You’re not worth anything!” I screamed, tears finally streaming down my face. “Not even a piece of trash like her!” Darien’s mouth was open, like a startled deer, and I ran away from him, blinded by tears and anger. I heard his heavy footsteps behind me and his voice calling my name. He sounded upset. Damn right he should sound upset, I thought angrily to myself. I ran even harder, trying to get away. I never wanted to see him again. Maybe I could forget him, if I tried hard enough. Never mind that I had thought I would kill myself if I were forced to live without him. I pounded my way to the steps, aware of Darien right behind me. In my frantic state, however, I was not looking where I was going. As I saw the stairs rushing towards my face, I thought, fatalistically, that at least I would not have to live any longer with this ripping feeling in my chest. Unfortunately, I did not die, and I tumbled headlong down the steps. My ankle twisted painfully beneath me, and I shrieked. Then, just as soon as it had begun, I landed with a thud at the bottom of the stairs, staring at the ceiling with a glazed expression.

“Serena!” I heard Darien’s voice calling me as he rushed down the stairs. Squeezing my eyes shut, I turned my head away from him.

“Are you all right?” He asked urgently, gently sitting me up. As much as I responded to the touch, I wrenched myself away from him and sat up.

With as much pride as I could muster, considering my undignified position and tear-stained face, I answered. “I am fine, Mr. Chiba.” And I attempted to stand up. However, the moment I put my weight on my right ankle, I gasped, and would have fallen again if Darien hadn’t caught me. Damn it! I would have to sprain my ankle at a time like this, I thought sullenly.

“You’re hurt.” He said, in such a way that made me look at him. Did he care for me after all?

“I’m fine.” I insisted, and grit my teeth as I attempted to walk again. Since I was expecting the pain it was a little better this time, and I walked away from him with a pronounced limp.

“Serena, for god’s sake, you have no idea what went on in there! Let me help you.”

“I am not going to let a player like you,” he flinched at the word player and I leaned against the opposite wall for support, “take care of me. I am fine, and I do not need your help, Darien. Not now, not ever!” I turned to walk gingerly down the rest of the steps, with the aid of the banister, but my ankle treacherously gave out again, and I felt Darien’s arms wrap around me.

“Let me go!” I shouted, struggling.

“Serena,” He said, his voice tired and hurt. “If you want to hate me forever, go ahead. If you don’t want to listen to me, do that too. But I will not allow you to hurt yourself any more because of me. If you don’t let me help you, I’m going to make you, do you hear me?”

Surprised at his show of emotion, I nodded silently. I was surprised, but still angry. It caught me unawares when Darien put his hand under my knees and lifted me to his chest. I gripped him involuntarily.

“What are you doing?” I squeaked, angry that I still felt a thrill being so close to him. It might be harder to forget him than I thought.

“You can’t walk, Serena. I’m taking you back to my dorm.” He said, and with that, proceeded to walk up the stairs and back down the hall. It was strange, I thought over the throbbing in my ankle, how wonderfully strong he was. I wanted him to hold me forever, although I knew the thought was dangerously anti-feminist. Beryl had obviously left his room almost right after I had, and the door was still open. He put me gently on the bed, and closed the door. He turned to look at me with an expression of pain in his eyes.

“You didn’t have to go and do that.” He said finally, pulling out a first aid kit. “You could have tried to listen to me, Serena. It really wasn’t what it looked like.”

I wanted to believe him so badly, but I was afraid that he would just lie to me, that I wasn’t really important to him. But perhaps it was the way he had looked when I fell down the steps or the way he was looking now, I just had to give him a chance.

“All right, then, you’ve got me where you want me. I’m trapped here. If you want to defend yourself, you might as well do it now, because I’m sure as hell not going to listen to you any other time.” I used the sarcasm as a defense, although I was still dangerously close to tears.

I was expecting him to talk, but he stayed silent for a while, walking over to the bed, and putting the first aid kit next to him. He picked up my foot gently, and removed the shoe and socks. He grinned slightly, despite himself, when he saw that I was wearing two pairs of socks. He was clinical for a while, examining my ankle and asking me when it hurt.

“It’s just a sprain, not too bad.” He said finally, still avoiding my eyes. I couldn’t help but think that the way he touched my foot was subtly sexual, sending tremors through my body. I resisted the temptation to close my eyes. Slowly he took out an ace bandage and wrapped my ankle with it tightly. His hands were so gentle, and each time he touched me it felt like a stroke. It seemed, I thought suddenly, that I was getting turned on despite myself. Finally he replaced both of my socks and sat back on his heels. After a second he dared look up at me. I suppose that my expression was less forbidding because he took a deep breath and began to explain.

“I wasn’t really kissing her—“ he said. I snorted. “Serena, you promised you’d listen. About five minutes before you came up, Beryl came in. She said that she had a question about the Psychology exam. I—well, I’d been planning to tell Beryl to stop bugging me. We were involved…a long time ago, and she just kept hanging on. Except when I was about to say something, she started talking about you and about how you were…using me.”

“Using *you*?” I said incredulously. “You’re the player, not me.”

Darien had the courtesy to blush. “That wasn’t how she meant it. I’ve never thought of you like that, Serena. I’ve been as, hell, *more* celibate than a monk since I met you. Well, since the second time I met you, at least.”

“You still haven’t explained why you kissed her. Or didn’t kiss her, as the case may be.”

“I’m getting to that. So, anyway, I got mad at her. I told her that she had no idea what you were like, and I told her to go away. I stood up, and she just catapulted herself at me. I was about to push her off when you came in. That was what you saw.”

I swear I heard angels singing when he said that. Even so… “Are you telling the truth?” I asked, in a small voice. I couldn’t handle it if something like this happened again.

He looked at me and smiled, as if aware how close he was to winning me over. “What do you think?” he asked. Happy again, I sat gingerly on the floor and put my arms around him.

“I think I’ll never doubt you again.” I said quietly into his chest.

“Besides,” he said lightly, lifting my face, “you know I’m a better kisser than that, don’t you?” He said, demonstrating.

I laughed. “I think I’ve learned quite nicely, don’t you?”

“Of course. We fit together perfectly.” He was joking, but his statement rang like truth. After some time he broke off, and carried me to the bed. For a moment I wondered if he had something more in mind, but there was none of that kind of desire in his eyes. I sighed, disappointed. He lay next to me and wrapped me in his arms, and I could tell that he was fighting within himself. I knew it, and I was scared, because this side of Darien was closed to me. I held him tighter, wondering what he was thinking about. Finally, he kissed me, over and over with such passion that I wondered if I had been wrong. But he stopped, and stared straight into my eyes.

“I love you, Usako.” He said. He loved me. I could have jumped, or sang or cried, but I did none of that. Instead, I wiped tears from my face.

“Of course you do.” I said, finally. “We were meant for each other.”

I could not hear what he said next because it was so faint. But it sounded something like “I hope so.”

And then something occurred to me. Something that had been bugging me for a week, but I had been too preoccupied to notice.

“What does Usako mean?”

He looked at me, and stroked my meatballs gently. “It means my little bunny.” He said softly.

“Where did you learn Japanese?” I asked, after a moment of struggle within myself. The now-familiar pain clouded his eyes. “In another world.”



Both of our exams were in the morning. We spent the rest of the day together, acutely aware that we would not see each other for nearly three weeks. Although we lived about two hours away from each other, his grandfather needed the car for errands every day, and he needed help managing some farm expenses. I would be busy at hateful society events with my political father, although I didn’t mention it to Darien. The primaries were practically upon us, and I saw my father’s face more and more often in the newspapers. Currently, he was the second most popular Republican candidate and steadily growing. It was funny how I was the product of a solidly GOP background, and I was such a left wing liberal. Political arguments at our dinner table grew so heated that dad had forbidden me from discussing politics with him except during special circumstances. I resented being forced to behave as some sort of trophy daughter, playing ideal subservient, attentive child to all of the potential donors and other VIP’s. I much preferred the company of Darien, but we knew that it couldn’t last. He was taking the five o’clock train. My father had wanted a grand reception, so against my will, he had booked a plane ticket for seven o’clock. I promised Darien that I would see him off. We exchanged addresses so we could write letters to each other, since he didn’t have email on the farm. I got his telephone number, although I knew he probably couldn’t afford many long-distance calls. I said goodbye to Amy, Mina and Raye, whose flights were all later. I still had a fairly pronounced limp from the day before, so I grabbed my suitcase and limped down the street to where Darien was waiting for me. His face brightened when he saw me, and we took the metro into Boston together. [AN: I don’t know if there is a train station in Cambridge, so I just decided to use the one in Boston.] I discovered within myself a desire to just touch him, every part of him, like I wanted to remember what he felt like when I could not be with him. I breathed more deeply when he was near me, trying to impress every subtle nuance of his smell on my memory. His face, of course, was already so deeply etched in my mind that I could never forget it.

“Darien, I’m going to miss you.” I said, burying my head into his arm.

He laughed. “It’s only three weeks, we’ll survive, I’m sure, away from our passionate embraces.” I was forced to smile. Well, perhaps I *was* over dramatizing the situation. “But…I’ll miss you too.” He finished.

“You make me SO happy!” I squealed. The metro ground to a halt at the train station, and we stepped out together, arm in arm. He led me past several terminals and up an escalator before we reached his platform. As I looked around, I realized that I had not idea how we got there. Not only did I have an abominable sense of direction to begin with, but I had also been paying entirely too much attention to Darien and not nearly enough to the path we were taking. I realized that I did not have much of an idea of how to get back to the metro. Darien’s train was already boarding. In fact, it was only ten minutes to five. Darien was about to kiss me goodbye when panic got the better of me. “Darien, wait! I don’t know how to get back to the metro!”

“What do you mean? We just walked from there.”

I blushed. How was I supposed to say ‘I was too busy looking at your body and trying to smell you to notice where we were going?’ Yeah right, that wouldn’t go over too well.

“I have a bad sense of direction?” My voice went up at the end, making it sound like a question. Darien’s mouth quirked upwards, and I had a sinking suspicion that he knew why I hadn’t been paying attention. Before he could say anything, though, an attendant who had been listening in on our conversation, interrupted.

“Um, excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I would be happy to lead you back to the metro terminal if you need some help.” I turned to him and gave him a bright smile.

“Thank you so much! See,” I said, turning to Darien, “everything is taken care of.”

The man’s face changed when he saw me into an expression of puzzlement, and then recognition. “Um, miss, would you perhaps be Ken Johnston’s daughter?” He asked. For a second I didn’t realize why he was asking, and then I remembered about the election. Of course, it was inevitable that I would have some celebrity status so close to the primaries. Darien was looking at me with a dreadfully blank expression that made my stomach tighten even further. Plastering a phony smile onto my face, I nodded at the man, momentarily ignoring Darien.

“Yes, that’s me. How did you know?” I genuinely was curious, since no one else at school had mentioned anything.

“Well, I’m a big supporter of your father, you know, I just think that he’s definitely the man to lead the country, and since I knew he had a daughter at Harvard, I just thought you may be her.”

Darien interrupted any further stream of praise the man might have uttered by muttering a perfunctory ‘excuse me’ and dragging me roughly aside.

“What is it?” I asked, afraid of something I couldn’t quite name. The train whistle was blowing. He had only a few moments before the train left him behind.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that you were Ken Johnston’s daughter?”

“You never asked. Besides, I thought you already knew. Why does it matter?” But I wondered if on some level, I knew why it mattered, and that was why I had never spoken to him of it.

“How could I have known?” His voice was low, and his grip on my arm was painful.

“But, you met him!” I protested, scared beyond reason. “At the peach stand, you met my father. You’ve seen his picture, you must have recognized him.”

Realization dawned in his face, along with horror. “Of course.” He muttered. “I knew that he looked familiar. I just never put the two together.”

“Darien, I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re scaring me and you’re train is going to leave in about thirty seconds.”

He just stared at me.

“Kiss me goodbye, please?” I begged, my eyes beginning to feel wet. Abandoning himself, he picked me up and let his lips embrace mine. It was not gentle like his other kisses. It was more demanding, almost desperate. He did not look back when he put me back down again and ran to the train. I waved anyway, as the train left the station, leaving me alone on the platform with the strange man. Numbly, I allowed him to lead me back to the metro. But the entire way there I could only seem to think one coherent thought.

What the hell had just happened?

- - -

Sorry, more author’s notes. If anyone is wondering, by now, where Lita is, don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about her. She’s coming later on in this story. I’m *still* struggling with the end, but by the time it should be out, I’ll have it done, I promise. Okay, I’m done talking. Tell me if you liked the story, so far! Right now, personally, it’s definitely my favorite fanfic that I’ve ever written. Um, sorry about the little bitterness factor in the authors notes for chapter three. To make it up, here is another of my favorite poems, but this one is *really* romantic:

I thought once how Theocritus had sung
Of the sweet, the dear and wished for years,
Who each one in a gracious hand appears
To bear a gift for mortals, old or young:
And, as I mused it in his angique tongue,
I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,
The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,
Those of my own life, who by turns had flung
A shadow across me. Straightaway I was 'ware,
So weeping, how a mystic Shape did move
Behind me, and drew me backward by the hair;
And a voice said in mastery while I strove--
"Guess now who holds thee?"--"Death," I said. But there
The silver answer rang: "Not Death, but Love."


Isn't that WONDERFUL!! It's from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets from the Portugese. Happy Valentines Day!!