< - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Another World -http://www.geocities.com/sm_anotherworld - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Butterfly, Unfolding
By Sailor Jes

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - - - - - - - - - - - >

Panting, Usagi looked up. Naru and Umino were both crying.

"Oh, Usagi," Naru said, weeping, holding her friend's head.

Licking her dry lips, Usagi opened her mouth. "What-? Is-?"

Umino smiled, and said "Your daughter." And placed a small, red thing in Usagi's arms.

It hollered and kicked. Usagi held her, and all she could think was "I thought it would be a son." Her intuition had been wrong. It was supposed to be Mamoru's legacy, her reminder of him. Her eyes clouded over. She felt nothing. She looked at her daughter and cried. Born with the Tsukino curse? Would she, too, suffer in sadness, as her mother had?

Perhaps these things flashed in Usagi's mind for a second. But barely that. Because she looked down and thought she had never heard cries as loud, and triumphant, as those of her daughter.

"Usagi," she whispered, to the girl in her arms. "My second chance."

 

- - -

A falling flower, thought I,
Fluttering back to the branch --
Was a butterfly.
-Moritake

- - -


Chapter Six

 

When Mamoru awoke, the doctor could barely believe it. The old man choked back a gasp and called out "He-he's awake! Somebody! The Captain's awake!"

Mamoru remembered that. After double-checking his existence, he closed his heavy eyes and went back to sleep again.

The second time he woke up, it was night. A lonely cicada called out. Another one chimed in. He heard soft breathing next to him and saw a boy of about thirteen slumped on the floor, sleeping. Mamoru's throat burned; he had a stale taste in his mouth, like blood and dust mixed together. Attempting to sit up, he could barely move and when he did, his shoulder twinged with pain. He moaned and the boy woke up.

"Huh? Wha-? Oh! Captain, you're awake again! Uhhh...here! Here, drink some water."

The boys handed him a bowl brimming with lukewarm water. Mamoru slurped it down and coughed.

"More."

After drinking three more bowls, Mamoru collapsed on the soft bedding.

"Wow, Captain, you're awake," the boy marveled. "The doctors said you'd never make it."

Mamoru made no reply. He simply looked over to the boy.

"You were this close to dead out there in the field. When they brought you back you were all blue and bleeding. The doctor fixed you up, but he thought for sure you'd never make it out of the coma."

"Coma...how long have I been asleep?"

"A week before you woke up the first time and then a day and a half since then. Pretty long huh?"

Mamoru made no reply. He listened to the crickets in the distance. So close to death and he hadn't even felt it. Not a light or an enlightenment, no voices, no spirits. Just a faint blackness, barely remembered. He didn't know what to feel. He wasn't relieved or thankful to be spared. Nor was he disappointed to know that he would keep suffering in the world. Those feelings would sort themselves out later. He was alive, after all, he had time.

"Are they sending me back to Edo?" he asked.

The boy looked up. "Uh, sure, I guess. That's what they're doing with all the soldiers."

Mamoru sighed and closed his eyes. He felt a twinge of gratefulness. He was going home. Away from this horrible place. He could send a letter to his family and finally, after all this time, see-

No. He couldn't. Because she hadn't responded to any of his notes. And because he had forced himself on her. And because he had left. Mamoru felt a crushing sensation in his chest and it was not his wound. The excitement fizzled away. Without Usagi, he was returning to a city and a job in a palace. Nothing more.

The boy started whistling. "Oh boy, Captain, you're lucky, let me tell you. You must have some good spirit looking out for you. Some of those soldiers, well, they won't be seeing anything but the surgeon's tent for quite a while. And some of them will never go back to Edo, if you know what I mean."

"I don't."

"That's 'cause you didn't see the battlefield after everything was over. I've seen three others before this one, and let me tell you, this fight was bloodier than all three combined. Yech. Yeah, you're lucky."

Mamoru considered the boy's words. Slowly, the crushing sadness dissipated. He was alive. So close to death, yet spared. Someone, something hadn't given up on him. The earth told him that there was still more to do. And he knew it. Mamoru thought of Usagi. He felt like he could feel her. The night was still and warm and the crickets chirped. Winter would not come for another month or so. What surrounded him was benevolent. Usagi could forgive him. His eyes became heavy again and he thanked the boy before closing them and drifting off to sleep.


Two weeks later, Mamoru had saddled his horse and returned to Edo alone. Everyone at the medical camp called him the 'Miracle Soldier' because of his speedy recovery. Within one week, he was walking and laughing and entertaining the other soldiers who were still not well. The last week was spent convincing the doctors to let him return.

He made the journey to Edo in six days. It could have been shorter but he had to stop every few hours. Without returning to his quarters in the palace, he sped to the house where Usagi lived. He demanded to see her. The maid gave him a strange look and let him in to wait for the lady of the house, Akiko. He was kept in the small room for almost half an hour before the door slid open.

"Captain Chiba," smiled the old woman, "So good to see you. Are you well?"

"Yes, very much so," he answered bluntly, suspicious of her graciousness.

Akiko knelt gingerly. "I heard you went to Kyoto. I'm so glad that you've-"

"Where's Usagi?"

The smile became strained and Akiko paused before replying. "Usagi? Why, Captain Chiba, Usagi is no longer with us."

"What do you mean 'no longer with us?'"

"I mean just that, of course. She left some months back."

"How long ago is that? Why did she leave?"

"There were...circumstances."

"Circumstances," Mamoru repeated. "Did she get my letters?"

"Oh, of course, Captain Chiba. I forwarded them to her."

"Where is she?"

"Well, I'm not a liberty to say, really. You see, she was quite distraught when she left. Usagi mentioned something about someone leaving her. She seemed so depressed and wanted very much to take orders."

"Take orders? Become a nun!"[Author's note: A Buddhist nun, not a Christian.]

"Yes, it's quite sad," Akiko said, frowning. "She said only when she was away from the world would her heart ever begin to heal."

Mamoru furrowed his eyebrows.

"And she had the money to pay off her debt, so I let her go," she sighed. "But I do miss her."

Narrowing his eyes, Mamoru glowered at the old woman. The melodrama was too much.

"Tell me where she went."

"I'm so sorry, Captain Chiba, but Usagi specifically told me not to reveal the monastery she was going to."

Standing, Mamoru glared down at the old woman. "Thank you for your time."

He slid the paper panel open and left, his footsteps echoing down the hall. Remaining in the room, Akiko raised one eyebrow. Hopefully, that would be the last time she would ever have to deal with Usagi. She felt like her debt had been repaid.


He wanted to find her, to search every monastery in the land. But winter came early that year. It was November and already the skies were heavy with snow. Sighing, Mamoru stared from the window of the palace. He had been promoted for exemplary service and given a palace position, one involving paperwork and groveling to generals and the shogun. At least it was better than battle, although Mamoru could never admit that to any other warrior.

He thought of Usagi a lot. A nun. He couldn't picture it. Her hair cut away, her body clothed in harsh, drab material. Eating only millet, she would be thinner, her skin and eyes dull. The heavy aroma of incense would permeate her hair, not flowers. And her lips, those small, lush lips, would be forever mumbling prayer. Never smiling.

Perhaps the monastery forbade letters from the outside. Perhaps they couldn't answer any letters. Perhaps that's why Usagi had ignored him all these months. A million maybes drowned Mamoru's thoughts. Outside, snow covered everything. It was only December.


The screams woke up Usagi immediately. Sighing, she rolled over and sat up.

"Shhh," she whispered, lifting up her daughter. "Shhh. What's wrong? Don't cry."

By this time, Umino had also awoken. "Awake again, huh?"

"Yes, I'm sorry."

Smiling, Umino replied "It's not your fault."

Usagi stood and cradled Chibi-Usa in her arms. Rocking the wailing girl, she paced around the room. It was freezing, no wonder her daughter was so adamant about crying. Once her mother rocked her into warmth, however, sleep soon followed. Umino, too, had fallen back asleep.

But on a winter night like this, Usagi could not go back to sleep. She tiptoed quietly from the room, still holding Chibi-Usa. The large round window at the end of the hall revealed a world blanketed in white. The snow, the moon, the tips of the mountains. It was a frigid picture. Nights like this called to her memory. It had all ended, and begun, on a night very much like this, one year ago.

And had it only been one year? Because it felt like one lifetime. Usagi looked down to her daughter's face. The eyes, the lips, the nose, the hair, they all resembled Usagi. But the disposition...well she knew that came from her father. Curious and gentle most of the time, always ready with a smile for her mother. But there were some days, her bad days, where she was intense and sullen. She wouldn't cry, but she wouldn't smile either. And Usagi sometimes felt like her little daughter resented her. She felt Chibi-Usa knew that Umino was not her real father. Sometimes the girl would stare blankly into his face. She would not go to him like she went to her mother.

Usagi sighed. She already saw a twinkling of coldness in the child. Perhaps because it was just winter. But, Usagi felt like she couldn't give Chibi-Usa something that other mothers could. She didn't know what it was, however.

Usagi remembered Mamoru. She indulged in the memories. Usually, she forbade them. But tonight...tonight, she needed him.

From down the hall, Usagi heard Umino cough. The silence broken, she knew she should return. And she did.











******

In February, Umino caught a nasty cold so Usagi and Chibi-Usa were forbidden to sleep with him the same room. Since Usagi also had to be with the baby, she could not see Umino either for fear the sickness would be passed on to her daughter. So she got reports from Naru.

One day, after sliding the panels back into place and walking past Usagi's room, Naru was called to.

"How is he?"

Raising the corners of her mouth, Naru nodded "Oh, he's fine. Looking better every day." She turned her head down and chuckled.

"Naru, what? It doesn't seem like he's alright. What's wrong? What is it?"

"No, it's nothing, I promise, Usagi, he's fine...really."

Usagi stood and walked over to Naru, whispering, "Ok, now he can't hear us. He's my husband, Naru. How is he?"

Furrowing her eyebrows, Naru shook her head. "It's a bad winter, Usagi. His lungs can't take it."

"Is there something you can give him?"

"I'm trying to get rid of the cough. He's always had problems with his lungs. Ever since I can remember. Almost every winter he gets sick. The past few years, though, the colds have just lasted longer. Just wait, he'll be fine."

Naru smiled at Usagi and patted her shoulder. As the older woman walked away, Usagi stared at her. Umino coughed loudly, his fit lasting for over a minute. She wished there was something she could do.

Although the weather gradually improved, Umino's condition did not. Some nights, Usagi would lay awake, listening to him hack and cough. He seemed to be in pain. Naru's face grew more haggard as each day passed. There was an urgency in her eyes, like she were desperately trying to keep her sanity amidst an awful panic. Usagi sensed all of this. When she thought of Umino and how he saved her and loved her, panic rose in her too. Her hands shook thinking about it. If he went, what would she do? Usagi would be alone again, perhaps homeless. She tried to reconcile herself to his death, to any death, but she couldn't. It was not an easy thing to find peace in.


Gradually, the snows stopped. The cold days melted into crispness. When Mamoru saw the first cherry blossoms, he would go. Hoping for warmth, for those spring days to come fast, he went to the Hikawa Jinja to pray.

Despite a number of pilgrims, Mamoru found his way to the bell, rang it, clapped his hands, and stood motionless. He thought hard of what he wanted. A vision of Usagi filled his mind. She was so clear. He wanted her. As he opened his eyes, his raging pulse died down. Mamoru then noticed a lone figure staring at him from the edge of the shrine. A woman, her hair tied back, dressed in the light colors of a Shinto priestess. Her eyes bored into him, signaling him somehow. He made his way over.

"You know Tsukino Usagi," she stated.

"How do you know her?" he asked.

"I found her on the steps of the shrine when she came here, a while back."

He remained silent for a moment, incredulous that this woman could know his thoughts. But in a way, he could almost feel hers, like a humming, a frequency.

"Where is she?"

The woman swallowed. Should she tell him? She knew everything, the fire had told her. He was Usagi's pain and her joy. He had rescued her, and then destroyed her. Was it Rei's place to reveal where she was? Should she expose Usagi to that torment again? But who was Rei to say that this man was Usagi's torture?

"Alright," Mamoru said, noticing her hesitancy, "Which monastery is she at?"

Rei didn't flinch. She saw a way to reveal and not reveal Usagi's location at the same time. Usagi was in no monastery. But Mamoru could figure that out for himself.

"In the mountains, southwest of here."

"Can you tell me anything else?"

Rei wondered, should she tell him that he was a father? Perhaps if he knew, he would no longer seek Usagi out. And besides, it wasn't her concern.

"No. Good bye."

Rei walked away leaving Mamoru alone. The sky was an endless blue with a few stray cirrus clouds. It was a chilly day. He gazed intently at a tree branch. When the first cherry blossoms bloomed...

He repressed a smile and headed back to the palace.


Violent hacking woke up Usagi. Even from down the hall, it sounded like Umino was struggling. She glanced over to Chibi-Usa sleeping soundly and gingerly rose. Creeping out of her room, she reached Umino's room and gently tapped on the door.

"Umino? Are you alright?"

"Usa-(cough)gi, yes I'm fine. (Cough, cough, cough). Go back to sleep. (Cough)."

Standing in the darkness, Usagi frowned. "But you sound awful."

"No, this happens all the time. It's nothing. Please don't worry."

"I worry."

Umino chuckled. "Why? There's no need."

"Well, you're not so young and...I worry about...if you...what will happen?"

"You mean if I die? What will become of you and Chibi-Usa?"

It took a moment for her to reply "yes."

"You'll keep on living, of course."

Sighing, Usagi knelt down next to the wall. "It's not that simple. Not for me at least. I...I don't want to be alone."

"Don't want to be alone?" Umino paused. "Someone I knew, a poet, once told me that our lives are like a butterfly's. We begin as caterpillars, creatures of the dirt. We crawl on our bellies, we're vile. Sooner or later, we come to see how disgusting this is and we are ashamed and angry. So we seal ourselves away in a cocoon, to be spared the ugliness. But then, we are alone. And we are still not happy. Even locked away here, high above the dirt, we are still ugly, we think. Left alone with our thoughts, we come to see that it was never the world that was ugly but a part of us. A part of us that we can change. And if we will it, we can become butterflies."

"I don't think I've ever heard that before. It's very beautiful."

"Exactly! And so it is with life. Just think, if the moon rose consistently every night like the sun, if the autumn leaves lasted all year, if a butterfly were always a butterfly, they would become ordinary and there would be nothing lovely to look at. Similarly, if there were no death, how could we appreciate life? If there were no aloneness, how could we appreciate the world? Usagi, you should not fear solitude. It is the only way to savour life."

Usagi remained silent in the darkness for some time. On the other side of the wall, Umino too said nothing more.

"I think I'll go to sleep now," she eventually said.

"Good. Get some sleep, Usagi."

"Good night."

Rising, she treaded back to her room, the sounds of Umino's stifled heaves following her.


On a still night in March, Umino died.

Usagi knew it when she woke up. She had gotten a full night's sleep, undisturbed by violent coughing or the cries of Chibi-Usa. Opening her eyes, she lay in bed for a while. Usagi felt a tear carve a path down her cheek. And another.

Quietly, she got up, slid open the paper panel and tread to his room. Their room. Naru slept soundly on the floor, her hand grasping his. She had not been allowed to see him for nearly a month. His face was withered and old looking. But he seemed content now. Usagi choked back a sob and left.

She went outside. Dawn was just spreading her arms across the sky. The clouds were tinged with pink. Usagi threw her face to them.

"Umino," she murmured.

She soon heard footsteps behind her. It was Naru.

"Usagi..."

"I know. Why didn't you wake me?"

Naru sighed. "He wouldn't let me. He didn't want you to know."

Remaining silent, Usagi wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She heard Naru sniffling. Usagi turned around to face the woman.

"I...I," Naru stuttered, "I've known him for so many years, what will I do without him?"

Usagi's throat tightened. She shook her head.

"But that's so selfish of me," she continued. "What will you do? And Chibi-Usa?"

Again, Usagi shook her head and stared out to the sky. The morning is so indifferent, she thought. He's dead and the sun comes up. The world has changed and the clouds don't care.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Before he went, he told me to give this to you."

Naru revealed a tiny piece of paper, folded in two and handed it to Usagi. Opening it, she read:

"Now the sun has set.
Butterfly unfolding, float
To a lighter place."

Quietly, she folded it back up. "We can have the funeral tonight, I suppose."

Naru nodded. "I will leave after that."

"What?"

"This is your home now, Usagi. I was Umino's and he's gone now. I will leave then."

"Naru, if you leave, I won't be able to bear it. You must stay."

"I'll be imposing."

Usagi shook her head and cried "I can't be alone, now. Please. Naru, you can help me care for Chibi-Usa. Once I might have thought that I could suffer alone. But now..."

For the first time that day, Naru smiled. "I'll stay, Usagi."

That night, they cremated Umino. Weeping, Naru recited the final prayers. Usagi held her daughter and watched the fire through unfocused eyes, until there was nothing left.



Mamoru could have never guessed how many Buddhist temples there were in the mountains southwest of Edo. Already, two months after the first cherry blossoms, he had been to eight and there was still no knowledge of Usagi. Why had he thought this would be easy? At every temple, he would ask "Is there a Tsukino Usagi here?" The monks would frown and state that even if there were, he would not be able to see her, but no there was no one by that name. So he continued on his mock-pilgrimage.

He stopped in villages along the way, inquiring about a woman with long hair the color of straw and blue eyes the color of the sky just after dusk. No one knew who he was speaking of. So he continued, questing deeper into the mountains.


"Mama! Mama! Mama!" Chibi-Usa shrieked.

At nine-months old, the girl had learned several words and shouted them endlessly.

"Shh, Chibi-Usa, do you want to wake up every creature in the mountains?" Usagi chided, as she sauntered into the village.

Grinning, Chibi-Usa pointed to a bird in the sky and shrieked. Naru laughed.

"Chibi-Usa, you should listen to your mother."

The two women walked over to the rice-dealer. "Good morning, Hanakawa-san."

"Good morning to you, Guro-san, Osaka-san. And good morning, Little Miss Usagi."

The girl shyly hid her face in her mother's shoulder. Laughing, Usagi asked for two bags of rice, made small-talk, and continued on to Michino-san's for fabric for Chibi-Usa's summer clothes. On the way, she heard two village women gossiping.

"...so handsome, like out of a story! With manners and speech fit for a prince."

"You don't say?"

"Looking for some nun. Well, I told him I didn't know any nuns, but I had a daughter."

"Oh, you flirt! And what'd he say?"

"He was so serious. He just wanted to know if there were any temples around here. I said sure about a mile past the Two Big Pines. And that..."

Usagi rolled her eyes heavenward. She wished she had enough precious hours in the day to be able to stand around gossiping as so many village women did. Naru had taken Chibi-Usa to see the horse standing by the well and Usagi rapped on the door to the old woman's fabric store.

"Hello, Michino-sensei."

"Oh, hello Guro-san. What can I do for you today?"

"I just need some fabric for Chibi-Usa's new kimono."

"Well, I just dyed a nice yellow piece of cloth. It's very light, perfect for summer..."

After Usagi finished her transaction, the old woman said "Guro-san, I do hope everything is fine with you. We miss the Doctor very much."

"Thank you. Yes, we are fine."

"And the little girl, she is well?"

"Oh yes, she's healthy."

"Such a beautiful little girl, like her mother. (Usagi blushed) And in such good spirits, like her father, right?"

Usagi smiled and agreed. But cringed inwardly. Yes, she has elements of her father in her, but not the father you're thinking of, Usagi thought. Thanking the old woman, she left the store, found Naru and Chibi-Usa, and continued the shopping.



Wiping the sweat from his brow, Mamoru sighed as he departed from the twenty-second temple he had visited in three and a half months. It was hot, the end of July. He had gone from Kyoto to Edo and was now three-quarters of the way back to Kyoto. Tired, he leaned against a tree and drank a sip of water. His heels and soles were blistered and exhausted from walking.

Mamoru didn't know how much longer he could do this. Despite all the temples and all the villages, no one knew where Usagi was. Some one in a village a month back had thought he recognized a person that fit Mamoru's description. It had been the extra kick he needed to search harder. But that clue had led nowhere, and summer was almost over. He needed to return to the palace by the harvest moon. That might take a good month.

Closing his eyes, Mamoru felt his temples throb and his stomach churn with hunger. He would find the nearest inn and eat and sleep. Then he would be on his way. But to where? Not back to Kyoto, certainly. Mamoru wanted to avoid that place. He decided to turn back to Edo, take a different route in hopes of finding the one he was searching for.


All villages looked the same to him. He walked under a gate and turned into the first building he could, a weaver's home.

"Excuse me," he said, to an old woman weaving cloth.

"Yes?"

"I'm looking for someone, please. She's a nun, in a monastery. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes."

"Long blonde hair and blue eyes?" the woman repeated. "A nun?"

"Yes."

"No, I don't know any nuns by that description."

Mamoru bowed and was about to thank the old woman, when she added "How old would this woman be?"

"Twenty, I believe."

The old woman considered. "Well, she's no nun, but I do know a person by that description. That sounds like Guro-san."

His hopes wrenched up, he stuttered "G-Guro-san? Are you sure it's not Tsukino-san?"

"No, no it's not Tsukino. She's the Doctor's wife. Guro Usagi."

His heart nearly stopped. "Usagi! Where? Where is this Doctor's wife?"

"Well, up that mountain about half-a-day's walk."

"Th-Thank you! Thank you so much." Mamoru drop three gold coins in the woman's hands, bowed, and raced out of the home.

Staring up at the mountain, he gulped. Mamoru felt sure that it was her. What other woman with blonde hair and blue eyes was named Usagi? She wasn't in a monastery, as Akiko and Rei had said. Mamoru felt some relief. But, she was married? To a Doctor? Mamoru allowed the thought to sink in. His breath caught in his chest. As he walked, his stomach churned. Guro Usagi, Guro Usagi, Guro Usagi. He repeated the name over and over again until the words no longer made sense.

She had given up on him. He stopped. The dust under his feet settled. If it really was his Usagi, and she was married, what would he do? He had never imagined returning to Edo empty-handed. Something in the air had whispered to him, she is still with you. But to think she had moved on and he hadn't. Mamoru felt foolish and immature. Here he was, a grown man, a soldier, and desperate for the love of a woman who had as a child tortured him and who, in other ways, still did.

The shrill voice of a child pierced his thoughts. A middle-aged woman with a small girl propped on her hip appeared from around the bend. The girl called out "Doll! Doll!" as she attempted to reach around the woman's body to the small toy in her basket. Glancing at Mamoru, the woman hushed the child. She nodded to him and continued walking. They passed, leaving Mamoru alone in the wake of their dust.


Usagi felt the warm mid-summer air wrap around the veranda, teasing the strands of hair around her face. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply and heard the sounds of the valley: the breeze rushing through the leaves, the occasional croak of a frog, the distant birds. Daylight grew old; the sun was ready to disappear behind the mountains.

Naru had departed for the village with Chibi-Usa that morning, leaving Usagi alone for the day. Although it was new to her, solitude had gradually had begun to lose its terror. Umino's words resonated in her mind: "Aloneness is the only way to savor life." Everyday, when she missed Umino, when she longed to hold her daughter, when she thought of the past, she remembered those words. And remembered to be thankful for the life she had, because it was life and there would never be another chance.

So now, sitting on the veranda, Usagi's heart leapt when she heard the crunching of gravel as Naru and Chibi-Usa returned from the village. She rose and walked to the gate to meet them half way, a grin automatically spreading onto her face. And then, like a candle had been blown out, it died. Usagi froze. Goosebumps rippled across her arms.

There he was. Like a dream. Like she had died. Like the past.

Mamoru felt his will crumble when he beheld her. She was just as he recalled. Standing behind the gate, she didn't hide the shock on her face. Usagi covered her mouth with a trembling hand, her eyebrows furrowed. For a long moment, the two stood staring at each other, still unsure whether the sinking sun were playing tricks in them.

"I'm back," he finally said.

Opening the gate and stepping outside, Usagi swept her eyes down his figure. Although he still looked regal and handsome, his gait had changed. He no longer stood with the confidence of immortality. There was a hesitancy in his eyes.

"I can't believe it..." she murmured. "Where did you-? Who-? How did you find me?"

"I've been searching for a long time. I thought you were in a monastery."

"A monastery? No."

She took several steps towards him. "I can't believe it."

"Then...you got married?" he asked.

Lips parting, Usagi looked down. She had been afraid of this moment ever since Umino had asked her to be his wife. Afraid that Mamoru would come back a second too late, and it would be too late. "Mamoru, how did-"

"So it's true?"

"It's a long story. Come-"

The laughter of a child interrupted her. Usagi looked past Mamoru's shoulder, down the path to see Naru and Chibi-Usa approaching. Swallowing, Usagi felt her heart clench. She heard Chibi-Usa calling out "Mama! Mama!" and Naru giggling along with her. But to Usagi, it felt like the world was unraveling. She tried to suppress the remorse gurgling up in her stomach. The voices died as soon as both saw the tall stranger standing next to Usagi. Brushing past Mamoru, Usagi went to Naru and scooped her daughter up.

"Naru, you can take the things in, I'll be right there."

Nodding, she glanced from Usagi to the man she had seen earlier today in the village and walked in the gate. Mamoru's mouth hung open in disbelief. It couldn't be. But, the girl resembled Usagi exactly. The hair, the eyes, the cheeks. Chibi-Usa, on her part, mirrored Mamoru's confusion. Unused to a stranger in her home, she whimpered and buried her face in her mother's shoulder.

"Chibi-Usa," Usagi said, addressing Mamoru more so than her daughter. "Remember how I told you that Papa had died?"

So Usagi's husband had died? Heart thudding in his chest, Mamoru felt a glimmer of hope. He might still have a chance with Usagi.

"Well, I was wrong," she continued, half-smiling. "He's alive. He's right here."

Eyes widening, Mamoru stared at the small girl. Had he heard right? Had Usagi said that he was the girl's father? How could that be? Usagi and he had only been together one night. It had felt unreal. Yet, here before him was the reminder that it had been no dream.

"Me?" Mamoru squeaked.

Usagi nodded. "Yes. Do you want to hold her?"

But before he could protest, Usagi lifted the girl and placed her into Mamoru's unsure arms. He held her under the armpits, legs dangling. Unhappy with her new position, Chibi-Usa shrieked. Usagi chuckled and reclaimed her daughter.

"She's not used to strangers. Shh, Chibi-Usa don't cry. It's Papa. You don't have to cry."

But Mamoru could see there were tears in Usagi's eyes. And indeed, he felt them in his own.

"Let me put her inside. She's hungry, I think. Come in."

Mamoru followed her. Leaving him on the veranda, Usagi disappeared inside the house. He stood outside, not quite believing that he had been ready to return to Edo, alone. And now he was a father. A child lived because of him. His head swam. Usagi reemerged. They both leaned their palms against the railing, gazing out into the mountains. The lower edge of the sun had just touched one of the peaks.

"Usagi, I'm so sorry." Mamoru finally exclaimed.

"Sorry? For what?"

"God where do I begin? For that last night, for leaving you."

"That last night?" Usagi said, looking to him. "Mamoru, even though you left, looking back on it, that last night...it was one of the best in my life."

Frowning, Mamoru seemed unconvinced.

"It was! No one's ever made me feel like I felt then. And from that night, I got Chibi-Usa. There's nothing to forgive, Mamoru."

Looking relieved, Mamoru replied "I can't believe I'm a father. That that small, beautiful thing is yours and mine."

Usagi blushed, and looked down. She felt nervous and awkward, like a child. "She is amazing, isn't she? She saved me. Her and Umino."

Mamoru grimaced. He felt his heart grow heavy. "Usagi...did you...love him?"

Considering her answer for a moment, Usagi had never even thought about it. Had she loved Umino? Remembering him, she became filled with contentment.

"Yes," she replied finally.

Locking his jaw, Mamoru turned away. She heard him sigh, but continued.

"Mamoru, I loved Umino. After you left, everything inside me crumbled. I needed a refuge, a cocoon...He saved me. He took me in and bandaged my wounds. I owe my life to him."

He hung his head, shaking it slowly. Taking a step towards him, Usagi trembled. She was telling the truth, she just wished it didn't sound so horrible.

"But...Mamoru, I never loved him like I loved you. He was my cocoon, but you...You release me. Right now, I'm feeling things that I haven't felt since...that I've never felt. I love you, Mamoru. I'm so, so sorry."

Mamoru turned his head. For the first time, he noticed that the youthfulness in her eyes had vanished. In its place, a maturity, a ripeness. Time had worn her a bit; she was not the woman from one year ago, nor was she the girl from his childhood. Yet he loved her. He realized it then. He loved her, not with the passion of one year ago, blindingly like day. Rather, his heart pulsed calmly, lazily for her like the evening sky at that very moment: subdued and intent. Completely accepting.

"I know," he replied. "It's alright. Let's forget the past."

He reached out for her hand. Usagi entwined her fingers in his. Silence surrounded them. Half enfolded by the mountains, the sun cast a burnished orange throughout the valley. The sky melted from blue to aqua to pink. Gazing out to it, Usagi heard the whisper of the leaves. She felt the whole world was saying something. Mamoru wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into him. He kissed the top of her head.

"Why are you crying?" he murmured.

Usagi shook her head. "Because."

"Because why?"

"Because of this. Look. Look at the valley. So vast and lonely. But surrounded by the mountains, the sky, us. It's so beautiful. I'd never known..."

Mamoru smiled and tilted her face up to his. Running his finger over the contours of her cheeks, he felt the smoothness of her face. His lips touched Usagi's. He closed his eyes and melted into them. He couldn't tell where he left off and she began. Parting, Usagi smiled and pulled him into the house.

Once in her room, cloaked in half-darkness, Usagi hugged Mamoru tightly. He kissed her again and she pulled him down to the soft floor. His hands ran along her ribcage. Tracing her fingers down his neck, she felt her lips being consumed by his. And she recalled Umino's death poem:

"Now the sun has set.
Butterfly unfolding, float
To a lighter place."

She was that butterfly. Mamoru was her lighter place. Sighing, she closed her eyes and resumed what had they had begun on a winter night, a long time ago.

 

The End