< - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Another World -http://www.geocities.com/sm_anotherworld - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Butterfly, Unfolding
By Sailor Jes

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -  - - - - - - - - - - - >

Hello,

I know there are a lot of you out there who want to kill me. Sorry about the lateness of this posting. I wish you all could know what the past semester did to me! Anyways, here it is; the second part of Chapter 5 finished. I give no time estimates on Chapter 6. Please enjoy this chapter and tell me what you think.

And if you'd like to be on my ML please send a blank e-mail to sailorjes-
request@moonandmask.com

Thanks,
Jes

- - -

 

From the window of his room, Umino stared out into the garden. Namely at Usagi, who, in her soft taupe robes, strolled absently. He felt her unrest and thought, like most ailments, he could cure it. Umino's desire to help her perhaps extended beyond professionalism. Usagi was not a creature of sadness. Though he had known her a short while, something in her face, the firmness of her mouth, the bright eyes, the strength of her cheeks, told him that she could feel deeply. And that those who feel deeply only need to glimpse happiness to know ecstasy.

Just then, Naru walked in.

"I crushed the leaves you wanted."

"Good," Umino said, snapping out of his reverie. "Boil them and strain the liquid for me."

"Yes."

Before Naru could turn back, Umino stopped her.

"Naru?"

"Yes?"

"How do you think Usagi has been doing lately?"

"She seems better. She finally has enough strength to be outside without feeling faint. And she told me yesterday that her headaches have nearly gone-"

"No, not like that. Not physically. How do you think she feels mentally? You know, her feelings."

Naru sighed and joined Umino at the window. Though she liked Usagi immensely, Naru felt uncomfortable speaking of her with Umino. She sensed that his concern went beyond that of a doctor to a patient. Glancing next to her, her heart thudded.

"Her feelings? I'm...not quite sure."

"Do you think she's happy?"

"Happy? Well, I don't know."

"Because I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy."

Naru continued gazing out the window, her face stern. But she shouldn't feel this way. Because he had already given her so much, too much. Asking for his heart too? Naru felt like an ingrate.

"I'll go make that tea," she said, turning from the window and walking out of the room. Umino remained, staring out at the garden.

 

- - -

A falling flower, thought I,
Fluttering back to the branch --
Was a butterfly.
-Moritake

- - -


Chapter Five B

 

Usagi knew he was looking at her. But she ignored him anyways. Smiling inwardly, she strolled to a place in the garden where she would be hidden by massive willow trees. Usagi didn't mind Umino's watchfulness. She welcomed it, in fact. To her, Umino felt the father she had always wanted: the one who wanted her. When they talked deeply, sharing stories about their lives, Usagi felt like he was her best friend. She chuckled at the picture. She, a twenty year old courtesean with child. And he, a aged bachelor, a little withered with a head of grey hair. But he didn't act like an old man. Even though Umino must have been ten years older than her father, she surmised that he behaved fifteen years younger.

Leaning against the crooked trunk of the tree, Usagi contemplated the past three and a half months. She had arrived wanting to die. Every morning she woke up and hated Umino for destroying her comfort. She detested Naru's perkiness. She cried every night for Mamoru.

But things changed. Somehow, the tears stopped. Usagi was still sad, but not desolate. She looked forward to Naru's gossip. She felt at ease speaking to Umino. And one morning the loud chirping of a crow woke her up. The sun streamed through the shutters. The air was warm and fresh. It was the first time she had wanted to wake up.

Since then, she had been content. Usagi assisted Naru with cleaning and cooking. Sometimes, the walked down the side of the mountain together, into the small village, to purchase food and herbs.

"You're getting bigger, Miss Tsukino," the fruit vendor would comment about her swelling stomach. And Usagi would smile and nod, happy to be noticed.

It felt strange, being paid attention. Having people speak to her, not because she was Tsukino Kenji's daughter, or because they were paying her for it, but because they wanted to.

It felt strange, being happy. At least most of the time. Sometimes, she found herself smiling for no reason. She would sit on the boulders in the garden and dream about her son. And how he would mirror his father. Everything felt fine. She was happy here, with Naru and Umino. Even the hole in her heart, the one thing missing, was slowly beginning to heal itself.


Umino had been thinking about it for a long time. Weighing the pro's and con's. Predicting what Usagi might say. Deliberating, pondering, wondering. And finally, on a hot night in July, he decided to ask.

"Usagi?"

Arranging flowers in a clay vase, Usagi replied "Hmm?"

"Usagi, I need to speak to you."

"Okay, what is it? Shoot! This stem simply refuses to bend."

"Usagi, it's serious. Can...can I have your full attention?"

Smiling, Usagi nodded, placed down the white flower she was working with, and joined Umino on the floor.

"How are you feeling, Usagi? With the baby and all?"

"Ugh, hot, bothered, fat."

"Uh...that's too bad. But otherwise, alright?"

"Yes."

"That's great."

"Is that all you wanted to speak to me about?"

Umino cleared his throat. "No, no I have another matter. Um, Usagi, do you ever consider what you'll do after the child is born?"

Usagi sighed and gazed out of the window. "I do."

"You do?"

"Yes. The past few weeks I've been considering taking orders.* But I'm still only thinking about it."

[*To become a Buddhist nun.]

"Taking orders? I see," Umino said. "Well, what about the child?"

"He can come with me. Why, Doctor Guro?"

Umino sighed. "Usagi, do you think you can learn to call me by my first name, by 'Umino'?"

"By your first name? I don't understand. Why all of these questions?"

Pausing briefly, he inhaled. "I might as well come out and ask it. Usagi, I'm fond of you. These past few months, I've found myself...falling in love with you-"

"Falling in l-"

"Wait, wait. Please. I'm in love with you and, if you're not determined on taking orders, I want to marry you. And raise your son as mine."

Stunned, Usagi could not respond. She sat silent, gazing at the old man, with a look of surprise and wonder. Her face told him to proceed.

"You don't love me Usagi, I know this. Somewhere inside of you, you still hope for your child's father. But, Usagi, he's not here. He might be dead. No, don't shake your head. It's true. He's in Kyoto and I've seen what war can do. He might be dead. "I don't expect you to feel that same passion for me, Usagi. But I think you can love me. And I can care for your son. I can give you a peaceful life."

"Doctor Guro..."

"Don't say no just yet. Think about it. I want you to contemplate what I've told you. In time, I think my words will become more appealing. I'm sorry to have disturbed your thoughts, Usagi. But, please, think it over."

Usagi nodded. Smiling, Umino stood and left the room. Usagi stared at her quivering hands. Balling them, she inspected the thin lines on her wrists. Just small scars now. Mamoru had caused them. Umino had healed them. So shouldn't her feelings be different? Her eyes pooled.

She loved Mamoru. Usagi had once dreamed that he would have asked her what Umino just had. Weeping, she would have answered him yes and they would have been happy. Her heart and memory still wanted Mamoru. He was still her dream and her savior and everything noble in the world.

But her mind. Her mind saw those scars and recalled near-death. Usagi remembered hopelessness and how Umino had almost washed it away. Her wounds had healed. But she still had the scars. How could she forget Umino? His kindness in taking her in. His patience in listening to her humiliating life.

He was right. Mamoru might be dead. Usagi would be having a child. What would she do? Where could she go? And she respected Umino, and loved him like a friend. And maybe could learn to love him as something more. He was a good person. But...But...

There was always the "but." Usagi couldn't sleep that night. The next day, though Umino was not around, she still thought about him and what he was asking from her.


"Penny for your thoughts?" Naru said, carrying lunch into Usagi's room.

Remaining silent, Usagi jumped when Naru set down the lacquer tray down on the table.

"Naru, you scared me!"

Naru raised an eyebrow. "But I asked you a question."

"Oh, you did?"

Sitting next to Usagi, Naru replied "I did. Care to share?"

"Share? Oh, Naru, I don't know if I should..." Usagi recalled Naru's whimsical gazes towards Umino, her high regard of him. She loved him so there was no way Usagi could unload her problem to the good-natured maid.

"We're friends, Usagi. Please share your thoughts with me."

Usagi looked at the eager woman, the pleasent smile on her face. She didn't know how to react. They were friends, weren't they. Strangely, Usagi hadn't realized it until now. But, what did that mean? How much did friends tell each other? What did they say? Usagi dug through her past. She had sometimes had confidantes, never friends.

"Usagi?"

Trusting her instinct to trust, Usagi began carefully. "Well, Naru, I don't know how to say this really...because...well, I don't know. Doctor Guro asked me something last night which has really, uh, shocked me? No. Confused me. And I don't know what to do, how I should answer him, anything."

"What did he ask?"

Usagi could barely look Naru in the eyes. "Before I tell you, Naru, can you tell me something?"

"Sure."

"Do you...love Doctor Guro?"

Shock registered in Naru's eyes and in the scarlett blush of her cheeks.

"Love him? Usagi, I don't know where you came up with..."

Her words died out as she and Usagi simultaneously realized how phony they seemed.

Smiling, Naru giggled. "I didn't know it was so obvious."

Though she wanted to smile, Usagi couldn't. Now she knew she would crush Naru when she told her.

"But it's nothing, Usagi, really. I may love him...but I have for a long time. And I'm happy even if he doesn't love me."

Puzzled, Usagi nodded her head slowly.

"Yes. But, why? Why did you want to know, Usagi?"

Sighing, Usagi said, "Naru, I don't know of any other way to say this, than to just say it. Doctor Guro wants me to marry him."

Disappointment flickered briefly in her eyes. Naru gazed down at her hands. "Oh, that's wonderful."

"No. No, it's not. Naru, I can't decide if I should."

"Why?" she said weakly, still not looking up.

"Well, you love him, for one."

Now, Naru looked up. "Usagi, I told you I'm happy despite what Umino feels for me. That's the truth. I'm...I'm just a little shocked. That's it though. Really."

The two women stared at each other. Usagi was first to look down.

"Somehow, I can't believe that," she muttered.

"Why?"

Usagi made no reply so Naru continued. "Because you love someone so intensely that your days rise and set upon him?"

"No!" Usagi rebuked.

"Yes?"

"Maybe. But...it's different..."

"Because you're carrying his child?"

"Maybe."

"And so you think that marrying Umino will do what?"

Usagi sighed shakily. "I don't know."

"Usagi, if my affections for Umino were noticed so easily by you, imagine how easily I can see yours for this other man. Why does it hurt so much?"

"I don't know."

Naru reached for Usagi's hand, and whispered "Can I offer a reason?"

Usagi nodded.

"Marriage is always compromise. If you marry Umino, you sacrifice the hope that He will come back to you. So you have to make a choice. The past and its hope? Or the future and its compromise? Which will it be?"

"I can't make that choice right now. I can't..."

Naru squeezed Usagi's hand. "But, Usagi, someone else depends on your decision. And that someone can't survive on the past. He only needs the future."

"Doctor Guro, I know," she sighed.

"No," Naru replied. "Your child."

Usagi exhaled. Naru stared at her with focused eyes.

"Umino is a good, good man. And maybe the man of your past is too. But Umino is here and he can care for you and your baby. Can the other?"

Usagi swallowed slowly. Nodding, Naru stood. "I'm sorry. I just came to bring lunch. Call if you need anything else."

And then she was gone. Outside, a bird cawed, the breeze rushed through the branches of the cedars and inside, Usagi had a decision to make.


"Captain Chiba," he heard.

Looking up from the bunch of documents he was reading, Mamoru recognized the voice of General Takemoshi.

"Yes, General?" he replied, rising from the floor.

"New orders," the general said, shoving a new batch of papers in his hand. "From the emperor this morning. We need to follow through immediately. It seems more troops from the East are coming. Do you understand?"

"Yes, General."

The stocky man turned and left the room. Mamoru skimmed over the first page, the characters written in perfectly straight lines. Sighing, it felt like he had been staring at those lines for decades. The emperor wanted stronger defenses around the western part of the city and the palace...he flipped the page...thousand more men from outskirting villages...another page...would counter-attack in two months. Mamoru furrowed his eyebrows. Until now, the emperor's army had only been on the defense. Squash the rebels, return the Kansai region to peace. But now...he actually wanted to to be on the offense. What was happening? Eyeing the rest of the order, Mamoru saw no apparent reason. Perhaps something the emperor did not want everyone knowing. Shrugging, he returned to his desk. He only followed orders. His job wasn't to question them.


Umino was gone for a week, leaving Naru and a very-heavy Usagi to take care of the estate. Business in Yokohama, he explained in a short letter. Also in the letter to Usagi he inquired after her health, her spirits, but nothing about his proprosal until the very last line:

"I look forward to my return in a few days. We can discuss important matters then."

And that was all. Laying the letter on her windowsill, Usagi sighed and fanned herself with a paper fan. The August heat bothered her more than it ever had. No matter how quitely she sat, how light the kimono, she could not stop sweating.

"You'd better hurry up and come out," she muttered to her stomach. "I can't take much more of this."

Shifting her position and fanning faster, Usagi sighed and discovered herself wishing for Umino's return. She was lonely. Although Naru was available for companionship, it would be selfish to ask for her company. After all, with Usagi demobilized, Naru had the responsibility of cleaning, cooking, handling Umino's practice, and running to town for shopping. There wasn't much time for chittering.

Throughout the endless, humid days, Usagi kept thinking about her conversation with Naru and her lonlieness. And how the two related. She thought of Umino. How she liked him very much. How she appreciated all he had done for her. But Usagi was a mother. Once she had her child, how could she ask Umino to take care of him too? And yet, how could she leave? A child deserved better. A child deserved choice. Usagi could become a nun, yes. But with a newborn baby, what kind of nun could she be? What kind of life could she give to her baby? Everything in her head, all the questions, pointed to Umino. And yet...

Only one thing didn't fit. It was the past. It was hope. It was what grew inside of her. How heavy would the loss be? How great the sacrifice?

Everyday, she forgot less and less. The cool autum nights in the garden, summer strolls, the flecks of grey in His eyes, how He had treated her. How she had treated Him. So perhaps it was best to forget. Everyday, the ache throbbed less and less. Perhaps, severing everything, accepting Umino, the pain would subside completely. And her son would not suffer like she had. Her son would have the choices she hadn't had.

Usagi only had one choice. The future? The past...


Umino returned three nights later, just as the rains began to cut summer away. The next morning, a thick fog hung over the mountains, cooling the scorching afternoons.

"Hello, Naru," he said, strolling in the foyer.

"Umino!" she replied. "When did you get back? I didn't even hear you."

"Oh, only a few minuted ago."

"Welcome home. Did you get what you needed?"

"Tokohashi-senpai was very helpful. He gave me more than enough."

"Perfect," Naru said.

"And Usagi? Where is she?"

Naru looked away. "She's in her room I believe."

Nodding, Umino sighed. "What a week I've had. Naru, do you mind making me a cup of tea? Oh and ask Usagi if she'd like one too. And tell her I'd like to speak with her if she has a moment today."

Naru swallowed and nodded, walking to the kitchen. As she whisked the tea around in the small porcelain cups, Naru thought of her words: she could live with Umino loving another. And a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach kept her questioning: did she mean them? Could she really be happy knowing that the man she loved for years loved another and wanted to marry her? As she poured in the boiling water, Naru's fingers trembled.

No, she thought, I'm almost an old woman. Usagi is young. The right age for marriage. It makes no sense for me to marry Umino. He knows it. I know it...

She carried in a cup to Umino, and then one to Usagi, informed her that the doctor had returned and said he wanted to meet with her. Before Naru turned away, she saw Usagi's face pale. "Thank you," rang in her ears as she left the room.


It was September. Certain days were steamy like summer. But every now and then, a chilly day popped up. Today was one of those days. Brushing his hair out of his eyes, Mamoru gazed up. The sky was cool and clear. A day for picnics, not battles. Mamoru always figured that events like today's should be accompanied with rain and clouds. It should be forlorn. But nature liked irony, he figured. And so he and his men would ride out today, to the outskirts of the city, to prepare for an attack waranted by some of the emperor's men, sitting high in the throne room, protected by the stone walls of the palace. Nature loved cruelty.

Mamoru brushed the coat of the strong, brown horse. He felt sorry for it. Because the horse stood as great a chance of being hit by a fatal arrow as he did. And the horse had no choice. The beast didn't even know. But maybe that's why the horse was lucky, he reconsidered. Stroking the horse's coat, Mamoru wondered what it might be like living life as an animal. Having no attachments, no worries. Never thinking about the future. Or the past...

Come to think of it, Mamoru seldom thought of the past. Wasn't the present bad enough? he kidded with himself. He thought of the distant past: his childhood, his father, his sensei. But the recent past still stung. He had received no letter from Usagi which meant one of two things. Either she wasn't getting them or she didn't care. Both depressed Mamoru.

To him, that happy time almost a year ago felt like a dream. He wondered if maybe his imagination was playing games with him. Did they really used to stroll uninhibited under moonlit nights? Did Usagi really used to gaze at him like he were the only person alive? Did Mamoru really do what he had done to her? He asked the question and though his memory doubted, his body didn't. Hands shaking, he dropped the horse brush and let waves of queasiness wash through him.

So maybe riding off to battle wasn't that bad. At least if he died, he wouldn't have to remember. He could be born into the next life, never knowing that a person called Tsukino Usagi had woven herself so tightly through him, that it crushed his insides to even breathe.


There were four people at the wedding. The priest, Naru, Umino and Usagi. The ceremony lasted for an hour. There was no celebration afterwards, unless the ample dinner that Naru and Usagi prepared the day before counted. It was a joyous day. All smiles, even from the faces of Naru and Usagi. When they returned to Umino's manor, the mood felt the same as it had been before they married.

Usagi slept that night curled next to Umino, feeling content. She was a wife. Soon, she would be a mother. She was loved. It was all she had ever wanted, even if it hadn't turned out exactly how she planned.

The next day, Umino roused her in the early morning.

"Usagi," he whispered. "Good morning."

"Morning," she murmured back.

"I'm going into town to see the herbalist. I'll be back before noon."

Nodding, she smiled and curled under the light blanket. Umino brushed her forehead, got up, and left the room. Once awake, Usagi could not fall back asleep. She watched dawn creep in through the paper walls of the room. She listened to Naru pattering through the kitchen. Everything felt new and alive. Sitting up, she stretched forward and stood.

And that's when she felt an incredible pain in her core. Crying out, Usagi nearly sank back to the floor.

"Naru!" she called, the panic already surging through her. "Naru!"

The footsteps hurried and grew louder. "Yes?" she replied, poking her head into the room.

"Where's Umino?"

"Oh, he left about fifteen minutes ago. Can I get you anything?"

"No," she said, quivering. "But, Naru?"

"Hm?"

"I'm having the baby."


Storming from the city, Mamoru's troops had not expected to meet the rebels at the Western end, armed and prepared to fight. He saw the General stiffen on his horse. The two armies glared at each other, one at the bottom of the hills, the other at the peak. Despite the distance, Mamoru heard clearly as the rebel leader, lifted his sword and yelled "Charge!"


Usagi grimaced as she felt the next contraction. Squeezing Naru's hand, she bit her lip and eventually tasted blood.

"Usagi, be strong," Naru encouraged. "Umino will be back any moment now."

Finally, the waves of pain began to subside and Usagi sobbed. Naru stroked her hair gently. Having delivered four children, one her own brother, the other three local village babies, Naru did have some experience. So she knew it was only the beginning for Usagi and she would have to be collected and strong.

As Usagi's tears stopped, Naru held her friend's hand and whispered "You'll be fine, Usagi. There's only this moment of pain and a lifetime of joy. You'll be fine."


It seemed everything had boiled down to this moment. The things his sensei had told him, years ago, suddenly flooded his mind. Everything he had learned, every swipe of the sword, every block, was for this moment only. Mamoru only heard the sound of hooves pounding against firm dirt. He swung his sword and felt someone else's blood spatter his armor. Gazing ahead, right, left, everyone was caught up in the gruesome dance.


"Umino! Umino!" Naru called, "Come here quickly!"

The doctor burst in the door and his eyes widened. "She's in labor! Oh my God...Naru, how long? When? How is she?"

"For about four hours now-"

"I'm okay, Umino," Usagi muttered. Sweat drenched every part of her body. Already, she seemed exhausted.

"Naru, I can take over now. Boil water please."

Usagi couldn't hear any words. She felt another pain coming. Clenching her hand in a fist, she breathed how Naru had showed her. It felt like everything in her center was ripping open. Usagi wanted to shriek and cry, except Naru had told her to imagine what her child was feeling as he heard his mother screaming in pain. So she refrained. Umino's words echoed in the back of her head. He was saying something. But it made no difference; she couldn't understand.

As the throbbing ceased, Usagi collapsed. Her mind felt used up. She only wanted the horrible pain to stop.


"Go! Don't wait! Move!" he screamed at four wandering soldiers.

He couldn't believe it. Here they were in battle, people dying everywhere, and those soldiers glancing around nervously, not knowing what to do. Mamoru kicked his horse and galloped into the center of the fight. Bodies lay scattered all around him. He recognized faces. But didn't care. His heart thumped in his ears. All he could think was Win.

The sound of metal on metal, of grunts and moans and screams, of officers screaming orders all faded to the background. He glanced sideways, a man shot through the chest with an arrow. One of his men. He gripped his sword and charged.


Glancing at Naru, Umino mouthed "This is it."

The sun was setting. Usagi had been in labor for eleven hours. Exhausted and in pain, she felt like she could do no more pushing or breathing. Her head fell to the side; she stared blankly at the wall. She felt like she had never known anything as terrible as this. She felt like one more breath could kill her.

"Alright, Usagi," Umino whispered. "The next time, you need to push hard."

She shook her head. Usagi felt like her body wasn't hers. Shutting her eyes, she wanted to cry.

"Usagi," he whispered, "Please, have strength. For me."

She swallowed. And felt the same tightening. Terrified, she knew was what coming next.

"Usagi, for your child."

Her breath quickened and she let out a sob.

"Usagi!" Umino yelled. "For the person you owe it to!"

The pain began again. And she saw Mamoru, the person she owed it to. Gritting her teeth she pushed.


It was that glance. The second he looked, he regretted it. Eyes straight ahead, his sensei had always told him. Enemies are never in the shadows. They are always in front of you. He heard the high whizzing. The pain in his shoulder told him he was hit.


"Usagi, come on!" Naru yelled. She patted Usagi's forhead with a cold towel. "Usagi!"

She didn't know if it was possible to scream, cry, and push at the same time, but if it was, Usagi was doing it. She closed her eyes and focused on her body. She concentrated on the pain. And let it surge through her. Her stomach, her arms, her head, her legs.

And then a sound cut through her pain. The cries of a newborn child.




He plunged from his horse and luckily landed on his back. Staring up, he saw the arrow sticking out of his left shoulder. Tears welled in his eyes. Suddenly, everything he had been ignoring- the horror, the blood, everything flooded him. And he started crying.

There on the dirt, he noticed the orange of the sunset. He always wanted to see it. He shut his eyes and touched his shoulder. And yanked the arrow out. And screamed a scream that ripped the earth apart. And then there was no more orange. Only black.


Panting, Usagi looked up. Naru and Umino were both crying.

"Oh, Usagi," Naru said, weeping, holding her friend's head.

Licking her dry lips, Usagi opened her mouth. "What-? Is-?"

Umino smiled, and said "Your daughter." And placed a small, red thing in Usagi's arms.

It hollered and kicked. Usagi held her, and all she could think was "I thought it would be a son." Her intuition had been wrong. It was supposed to be Mamoru's legacy, her reminder of him. Her eyes clouded over. She felt nothing. She looked at her daughter and cried. Born with the Tsukino curse? Would she, too, suffer in sadness, as her mother had?

Perhaps these things flashed in Usagi's mind for a second. But barely that. Because she looked down and thought she had never heard cries as loud, and triumphant, as those of her daughter.

"Usagi," she whispered, to the girl in her arms. "My second chance."

 

- - -

 

The End of Chapter 5. Stay tuned for the Grand Finale of "Butterfly, Unfolding."

Sailor Moon is not owned by me. It's owned by powerful companies. But my fanfic is owned by me. Ask me for permission to post it anywhere.