< - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Another World -http://www.geocities.com/sm_anotherworld - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Butterfly, Unfolding
By Sailor Jes

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***WARNING!!! This chapter is rated a good, solid R for a sexual situation. You have been warned!***

- - -

A falling flower, thought I,
Fluttering back to the branch --
Was a butterfly.

-Moritake

- - -

Usagi's eyes popped wide open as his lips touched the skin just under her hairline. He pulled away slowly and lifted her face again. And stared straight into her eyes.

"Somewhere in there," he murmured, "In that cocoon of yours, sleeps a woman with a heart big enough to embrace the world. Wake her up, Usagi."

Her mouth and throat were dry and her breaths came in sporadic gasps.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

And then, he was gone. Usagi stood in the street outside of her house, her brain reeling. Her heart beating. She touched the place on her face where his hands had been. And then lowered them to her neck. Sighing, Usagi wondered if perhaps he wasn't the man she thought him to be. Perhaps. She turned and trekked back into her house. She was tired. She wanted to sleep.

 

Chapter Three

 

"Father!" she called, racing down the long hall, "Father!"

Usagi sprinted out of the house onto the veranda. From her vantage point, the small girl could barely see over the wooden rail. However, Usagi managed to look out and see Mamoru and two other boys in the garden playing a mock game of war. Although Mamoru was about a year younger than the other two, he kept up with them easily, tumbling and jabbing a long tree branch at them. Usagi ran down the veranda and into the garden.

"Mamoru!" she called. "Where's my father?"

Pausing the war game, Mamoru pointed to the opposite end of the large lawn. "Over there, with my father."

"Thank you," she waved and laughed and tromped over to the opposite end of the garden. Because she couldn't see her father yet, she figured he was behind the boulders and tall trees by the grove. His voice confirmed her suspicions.

"...So I don't know, Chiba. My new son has granted me some kind of relief," her father said.

Usagi paused in the grass, waiting behind the tall trees, out of her father's eyesight.

"Lord Tsukino, you will see, your son will make your life happier. Mamoru always puts my soul at rest when I think that perhaps I will be a failure. He is a competent boy and I put all my faith in him."

"Yes, your son is quite a boy, Chiba. Already at nine he seems like he will surpass his father in military greatness."

Mamoru's father laughed.

"Anyways," Usagi's father continued. "It's been a strain on my mind, having all women in the house. Ikuko can do nothing for me except have children. Until Shingo, she was useless. And Usagi...what can I say, Chiba? No one wants a girl as their first-born. The only hope I have for her is that she will find a wealthy or important husband. If only I had had a son like yours, instead of a daughter like mine. Mamoru is a child that will bring you pride. Usagi...she may give a grandson or two."

"Now, now, Lord Tsukino. She *is* your daughter after all."

"I know, Chiba..."

Usagi crouched in the ground, her breath coming in ragged gasps. What was her father saying? He didn't want her? Didn't love her? She felt like she needed to keep silent. Her father and Mamoru's father eventually changed the topic of conversation to the present condition of the Japanese army. But, Usagi could not forget what her father had said...*No one wants a girl as their first-born...She may give me a grandson or two...If only I had a son like yours instead of a daughter like mine...*

Usagi heard Mamoru shout from across the garden. Furrowing her forehead, she stared over to him. Her father wanted him instead of her. Usagi frowned. But, she was his daughter! He should love her more. Gazing at Mamoru, she wondered how he could be better than her in her own father's eyes.

Her chin trembled and she forgot why she had needed to talk to her father in the first place. Trudging back silently, she felt tears spill down her round cheeks.

"What's the matter, Usagi?" Mamoru teased when he saw her, "Did a bug scare you?"

The other two boys laughed. Looking up at him, Usagi frowned. She felt herself sob. Her father didn't love her. Her father loved Mamoru more than her. Mamoru wasn't even his son. Usagi burst into tears.

"I hate you Mamoru! You're gross and ugly! Don't talk to me ever again!" Usagi hollered.

Then she turned and ran back into the house, sobbing. Mamoru stared at her, puzzled, then shrugged and resumed the war game.

"She has temper-tantrums a lot. She doesn't mean it," Mamoru explained to his friends. "She'll snap out of her tizzy soon enough."


Usagi couldn't sleep that night, despite her weariness. Her mind kept replaying the awful night in her head. What that woman had said about her and her family...about being street-trash. How Mamoru had comforted her...what he had whispered in her ear...how his lips had felt brushing her forehead. Thoughts ricocheted in her mind like out-of-control bees.

What did it all mean? And why did it have such a significance? He was only Mamoru. It was only the gesture of a friend to a friend. Then...why couldn't she sleep? Purple wisps of dawn already tinting the sky and she was still awake. Tossing over onto her stomach, Usagi buried her face into the pillow and groaned in frustration.


That morning at breakfast when Usagi stared blankly into her food, her face haggard and droopy, Minako noticed.

"Usagi, how was the party last night?" she asked.

Usagi responded with a smile and a nod. "It went well."

"Did you get back late?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, because...well, you seem like you didn't get a lot of sleep."

Nodding, Usagi swallowed the food she was chewing. "Yes, I had a difficult time getting to sleep last night. I suppose I ate something disagreeable."

Not wanting this conversation to continue, she smiled again and turned her face to her meal. One of the other girls quickly mentioned some gossip she had heard about one of the fruit merchants and the subject was dropped. When breakfast was over, Usagi bowed to the table and stood to leave.

"Oh, Usagi!" Akiko exclaimed. "I nearly forgot. Captain Chiba dropped this off earlier for you."

All talk died and what seemed like a thousand eyes stared at Usagi and Akiko. Minako widened her eyes in surprise and anticipation. When Akiko fished a folded slip of paper and a small package from the obi of her kimono, Usagi smiled slightly. Minako noticed the weariness fall from her face like autumn leaves as Mamoru's present was dropped in her hands.

Bowing, Usagi said "Thank you very much, Akiko. I'll be in my room if you need me."

Usagi turned quickly away and paced towards her room. From the table, Minako eyed her suspiciously. She rose from the floor and followed Usagi back to her room.

Opening the seal delicately, Usagi felt her heart thudding in her chest. A letter and package from Mamoru. What was this for?

*Dear Usagi,* the note read, *please forgive the impersonality of this note but I had no other way of contacting you in such a short notice. Again, I'm so sorry for last night. Please don't be upset about what those worthless, ignorant people said. I would come to see you today however, I had to go to the Kansai region with one of the Generals. It's a long story and a hassle. I shouldn't be gone longer than two weeks. But I hope you will accept this gift in my place. Wear it and think of me as much as I know I will think of you. Fondest regards, Mamoru.*

Giggling, Usagi turned her attentions to the small, plainly wrapped package. She tore the paper from it and revealed a tiny silk pouch. Loosening the strings of the pouch, Usagi reached in it and pulled out a smooth, jade bracelet. It was a light ice green like the color of ocean froth. Smiling, Usagi fit it onto her wrist.

"What did he give you?" came a voice from the doorway.

Usagi jumped and spun around. "Oh, Minako, you scared me. Look, a bracelet."

Holding out her wrist, Usagi showed off her present. Minako looked at it and her face remained placid and cool. She shook her head, sighing.

"What?" Usagi asked.

"Usagi, I warned you what would happen if you fell in love with him..."

"Oh, no, Minako! We're not in love, we're friends."

Shaking her head, Minako replied "Usagi, it doesn't seem that way. You're always together, you spend a sleepless night with him-"

"I wasn't sleeping with him last night-"

"Well it seemed like that, Usagi! The girls will talk. Akiko will talk. Eventually, people will have misconceptions. And with the way you're acting, I don't blame them."

"Acting? How am I acting?"

"Oh, Usagi, your mood changes completely when you're with him. Like your melancholia this morning suddenly flew away faster than the birds when you got his present. Like how you wait the entire day for him to come. I see these things Usagi. And eventually everyone else will too."

Usagi chewed on her lip and caressed the smooth jade encircling her wrist. "Well, he's going away. I'll prove I don't need him."

"Good," Minako said frankly. "He's going to get you into trouble. Be careful."

Nodding, Usagi watched Minako leave. She plopped down onto her futon contemplating her words. But, when her brain began to get muddled from her thoughts, she re-read Mamoru's note, smiling and sighing contentedly.


The first two days, Usagi imagined that she was proving herself to Minako. She hadn't mentioned Mamoru once and only thought about him on rare occasions, like when she stared at her forehead in the mirror, or felt the smooth stone around her wrist, or walked through the garden and streets. Alright, so she thought about him more than rarely. During casual conversations with the other courtesans who she lived with, she wished she didn't have to be there. Usagi knew she was reclusive and anti-social with them. She didn't care. The only opinion that mattered was Mamoru's, perhaps Minako's.

The third day that Mamoru was gone was a rainy, crisp day. Everyone remained inside. Occasionally, Usagi heard laughter from the other side of the house. She stayed in her room, practicing the shamisen, experimenting with a new hairstyle. Reading Mamoru's note at least three times. Sitting next to the window, Usagi gazed out at the consistent rain falling on the trees and earth. It made a soft, rhythmical beat, like a distant drum. This calmed Usagi's heart slightly. Still, she felt restless. She wondered how much longer Mamoru would be. Usagi was becoming impatient.

By the seventh day of Mamoru's absence, Usagi was desperate. She had become a hermit, only leaving her room for meals and work. The daily melancholia she carried with her was morphing to depression. Akiko thought that perhaps she was catching a cold. Usagi did not think of Mamoru all the time. But her constant gloominess stemmed unknowingly from his absence. Nothing brought her comfort.

Usagi began to think of home. Of her family. She began to contemplate returning. Usagi longed for her past, she cried for it. That lonely, dismal, imprisoned past. But, at least she had been comfortable in it. At least it wasn't here, alone, used. Without Mamoru propping her up like a cast, she couldn't function here. She needed him. She wondered if he needed her in the same way.


He tossed over onto his side in the makeshift bed at the military camp. What time was it? Nearly morning, he supposed. Mamoru didn't know how much more of this he could take. Everyday, for eight days, he had been meeting with other military officials, discussing national issues. How repetitive. And boring. He thought if he had to listen to another fat general sigh over the condition of the mountainous terrain, the annoying, impoverished peasants in his territory, or ever the colder weather, he would scream and leap on the next wagon back to Edo.

He needed to be back. He needed a quiet garden and a beautiful woman. Throughout his monotonous meetings, Mamoru occupied his thoughts with her. He shouldn't have been. After all, he was here as a duty to his country. And still...all he could think about was the next time he might get to talk to her.

All the while, Mamoru tried to push down the small notion in the back of his mind. He knew he was developing a slight crush on Usagi. This, too, was wrong. Him, an upward moving soldier and her, a courtesan. Wouldn't his superiors love that? And besides, Usagi was tainted, fallen, impure...oh, what was he thinking! Those were all ridiculous. Despite everything, Usagi had the purest spirit Mamoru had ever known. She was tragic, yes. Quiet and mysterious and reserved. But, he knew she had the capability to be more. He wanted her to be more. Mamoru believed that a helpless wife was just dead weight. He needed someone with fire and passion and...what was he thinking! He flipped onto his back and made his mind stop thinking of Usagi and wives and other frivolities.

He wondered when this stupid conference would be finished.


It was a cool, sunny morning when Mamoru stepped into the garden again. Because the fall day was lovely, several women milled through it, chatting quietly, observing the changing leaves. Usagi was amongst them, at the far left side, crouching by a small pool, feeding the fish. His heart burst open when he saw her and he smiled uncontrollably. Several courtesans whispered when they noticed him. He hadn't been around for quite some time. Naturally, their curiosity was piqued.

Minako, too, observed him from her side of the lawn. She narrowed her eyes, watching the scene unfolding.

Mamoru trekked over to Usagi. He stood behind her, silently, gazing down at her hunched form. His heart was doing strange, wonderful things. The things it had been hinting at, Mamoru felt, were making themselves manifest now. God, he wanted to see her face.

"I'm home," he whispered.

He saw her freeze. Usagi's hand fell to her side and she whipped her head around. Her gaze traveled up the length of his body and finally met his face. A smile like a gust of wind spread onto her face. Emitting a tiny squeal, she threw herself up at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, squeezing him tight. Mamoru laughed though he was slightly shocked.

"I missed you," Usagi whispered.

Everyone in the garden had their eyes transfixed on the two. Wondering. Spinning explanations. Pursing her lips together, Minako glared at Usagi. So belligerent, so unaware. Trouble had officially begun for her naive friend.

"I missed you too," Mamoru whispered to her. Her reaction had been unexpected. But welcome. Releasing him, Usagi gazed up into his face and laughed.

"Can we walk? And you can tell me everything then?" she half-asked, half-pleaded.

"Of course."

They sauntered out of the garden. And right then a breeze of curious whispers passed through the women in the garden. Shaking her head, Minako returned inside.


Usagi hadn't felt joy like this in years, she estimated. A giggly, light-hearted giddiness. Listening to Mamoru talk about his military meeting might have been tedious any other time, but not now. She hung onto everything he said; every word thrilled her. They walked down familiar streets, Mamoru telling her nearly everything. He laughed when he mentioned the time he caught one general falling asleep in a report on the economic conditions of the northern regions. Usagi giggled with him. Finally, the conversation turned to Usagi.

"...By the millionth meeting, I thought of you and became so jealous. I wish I could be back in lovely Edo in the garden. You're lucky to have been able to enjoy autumn in such a beautiful place."

"Not so lucky...I didn't go outside that much."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Wasn't the weather nice?"

"Oh, most of the time it was beautiful."

"Then, why weren't you out and about?"

Usagi felt the color of her face deepen. "Well...er...it just wasn't the same...without...you."

Wide-eyed, Mamoru stared down at her. She lowered her eyes to her hands. He felt himself blush along with her. They continued in silence for a few minutes.

"I should probably get back," Mamoru said. "I haven't even reported in yet. I came straight to you."

Nodding, Usagi looked up at him. "Will you walk me back?"

"I always do."

They turned around, sauntering slowly. Dusk had begun to descend; the sky was changing into all sorts of colors.

"Look at the sky," Mamoru breathed, "I bet there's a thousand colors in that one small cloud over there."

Usagi nodded in reply.

"Sunset is my favorite time," commented Mamoru.

"Not mine," Usagi said.

"Why not?"

"I hate the night. Call it a childish fear of the darkness. Sunsets are so cruel. Nature's practical joke. Such beauty before such...I don't know."

"But nights aren't so bad."

"They are for me."

Mamoru looked at her, walking along. She may have hated sunsets, but they made her look more beautiful than he had ever seen her. The kimono she wore was a deep plum with gold and light pink leaves. Just like the dying light. She reached up and brushed the bangs from her forehead. Just as she was about to lower her hand, Mamoru reached out and enfolded it in his own. She looked up to him in surprise. For a second, Mamoru almost released her hand and Usagi almost pulled it away. But the second disappeared. Together, they walked hand in hand.

Usagi's heart kept pounding in her chest. It wouldn't stop; she couldn't relax. She was too thrilled. The same went for Mamoru. So, the two continued on, awkwardly blissful, until they reached Usagi's house.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Mamoru said.

"You said that the last time," Usagi murmured in response.

"This time, I promise." He said it so low and with such sincerity that Usagi felt her entire insides quiver. Letting her hand from his, Mamoru felt like she was sucking him in to those eyes. He had to go. Before he let himself be carried away.

"Good night."

"Good night."


That night, when Usagi was entertaining a customer, it was painless. Her mind drifted elsewhere, to another place. Well, actually another person. The hands on her, she imagined they were his. The words she was hearing whispered in her ear, she imagined they were coming from his lips. From the darkness of her room, alone finally, Usagi closed her eyes. And for once, the night didn't seem quite as daunting. And perhaps tomorrow, she might look at the sunset and call it beautiful.


The first time she said it, Mamoru had never forgotten.

"Hey, Usagi! You wanna see a trick?" he called.

Glancing out her window, the young girl pursed her lips together. "Not really."

"Well, look anyways!"

Ignoring him, Usagi purposely turned her head.

"Aw, c'mon Usagi! Why are you acting like such a grown-up?"

She ignored him some more. Cocking an eyebrow, Mamoru wondered what had gotten into her. Lately, she hadn't wanted to play with him, she hadn't been speaking to him. She remained inside, brushing her doll's hair. Since when had she preferred that to running in the garden?

"You hafta come out, Usagi! I'm ordering you to."

She turned her head and glared at him. "You don't order me around, Mamoru."

"Yeah, I do."

"Oh no you don't!" she bellowed. "I order you around because my father's better than yours and there's nothing you can do about it. You don't order me around Mamoru. Don't forget, I'm better than you."

Flabbergasted, Mamoru stood speechless. His mouth hung open slightly and despite being older than her, he could not think of a single retort. The words had sliced him open. To hear some one disparage his father and him. And not just anyone...the little girl he had known since she was born. A family friend! His friend! Or so he thought. So, he just stood there, insulted by this five-year old.

"Go away, Mamoru! I don't want to see your worthless face anymore!"

That was the first time Mamoru realized things had changed between them. He didn't know why or how. But after that Usagi had never spoken a kind word to him again.


When he came the next day, things between them felt cloudy and clumsy. Usagi was elated to see him, yet confused about what had happened the day before. She spoke carefully, walked carefully, went through her actions as though they had a plan. Everything seemed unfamiliar. Nervous and confused, Usagi didn't quite know what she wanted to happen. She just knew she wanted to feel like she had felt last night, when his hand had enveloped hers. Mamoru, too, felt awkward like a little boy again. She seemed so collected about this whole thing. Glancing sideways at her, he wondered whether last night had meant anything. After all, she was a shirabyooshi; physical intimacy was her livelihood. Did it mean anything? He wanted to ask her. But, if she laughed and said it hadn't, if she turned her nose up at him like she had so many times before, what could he do?

All he knew was that they had been walking for ten minutes in utter silence. Chuckling nervously, Mamoru commented briefly on the weather. Usagi returned his awkward laughter and things quieted again. He felt like there were so many thing going unsaid between them. So many unresolved issues. Mamoru wondered how he could feel like this for Usagi now, when not even a year ago, he had considered her his worst enemy. The thought sullened him. He wouldn't allow himself to love her until he knew the truth.

"Usagi," he said.

"Yes?"

"I know I asked you before but I need to know the answer."

"Okay..."

"What made you hate me?"

Sighing, Usagi shook her head. "Mamoru, I told I can't-"

"Can you try?"

Usagi looked up at him. He could see that he had surprised her. She sighed again.

"I...I really can't remember. Maybe...you called me a name? Made me angry?"

"No," he said curtly, "I remember thinking that your behavior was so sudden. Like a summer rainshower. Not really prompted by anything."

Rubbing her eyes, Usagi honestly didn't know. And she didn't know why Mamoru needed to know this very instance. Why was he destroying the beautiful moment that she thought they were building up to? She closed her eyes and tried to remember what it was...but the only image she could see was one of her father, angry. He had always been angry when she was around. Only a few happy memories of him lived in her mind. And all of those moments included times when Mamoru had been there. She sighed shakily.

"I'm trying to remember, Mamoru. I can't, though. All I see is this picture of my father."

"Your father?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

But Mamoru would not let it go. "What about your father?"

Usagi stared straight ahead. "You know, I remember on my fourteenth birthday I overheard my father yelling at my mother. 'She's an ungrateful, spoiled girl,' he yelled. 'Good for nothing. She doesn't deserve this party.' At the party that night, he smiled when he wished me a happy birthday in front of everyone. He gave me these butterfly hair clips. They were so beautiful. But, how could I forget that...? And then, I saw him talking to you. He put his hand on your shoulder and seemed so happy then. I could never make him that happy..."

Her forehead creased and she swallowed slowly. Looking up to Mamoru, she smiled slowly. "I'm sorry. I still haven't answered your question."

Gazing at her, he wondered where he had been all these years. He had known her, yes. Had endured her abuse. But, had Mamoru ever thought that there might be something behind those words that was hurting Usagi even more? Perhaps he had injured her as much as she had him.

"Were you jealous of me, Usagi?" Mamoru asked.

She swallowed again and shook her head. "I can't say. Probably. I always saw how the other children's parents treated them. My mother ignored me and my father...well, he hated me-"

"He didn't hate you."

"Yes, Mamoru, he did. I always knew he wanted a son instead of me. A son like you. My birth was his only flaw. I've always been the mistake of my parents' lives. What did I have to flaunt? Was I strong? Was I a boy? Could I do anything else except marry a rich man and have his children? I've never been anything great. It seems that the life I'm living now is more suited to who I am! Just a piece of nothing."

Her voice quivered when she whispered "nothing." Holding back the water in her eyes, Usagi never knew she had those feelings in her. She had never known where her hostility towards Mamoru, her melancholia towards life had stemmed from. And here it was, tumbling from her lips like a waterfall.

"I think you're something," Mamoru said quietly, shyly. Even as the words came from his mouth, he felt himself turning red.

Usagi managed a small smile. Shaking her head, she tsked and rubbed her eyes. "I wish...Mamoru...that I could take everything back. What I did to you. It's not fair. I wish I could...make you see how sorry I am."

He didn't know what to say. The conversation had stole away his tongue. It was like an epiphany. Her emotions were so bare and raw, she was so vulnerable now. He had never been like this with anyone. Mamoru marveled at how Usagi could simply take her mind and practically place it in his hands. The power he wielded overwhelmed his emotions.

"Usagi," he muttered, not really sure of what he was going to say. and then the words just spilled out.

"Let me kiss you."

Her eyes widened. Pursing her lips, she swallowed. Her first instinct was to exclaim "Yes, yes, yes!" And then fear crept in. She shied back. Why did he want to kiss her? What was his motive?

He saw her hesitation. "You treated me badly, Usagi. But I forgave you. A long time ago and even now. Every time you smile at me, I forgive you. When you look at me, I forgive you. But I don't want to forgive you anymore. I don't want you to feel humbled to me. Please, Usagi..."

He stepped closer to her but Usagi didn't back away. Her hands and chin were trembling.

"Why?" she murmured.

He brought his face down to hers. "Because...I love you."

And when he kissed her, Usagi felt all the tears in her eyes spill down her cheeks. And she felt that maybe she might mean something to someone. Ironically, the person she had once held in the lowest esteem. How could he tolerate her? She had never really been kissed. Not by anyone who meant it. His lips, warm and gentle, on hers reminded her of this.

When at last they separated, Mamoru buried his nose into her hair and sighed. He felt her crying. But he couldn't speak. Usagi needed to say the first words; he felt this. And when she finally whispered, "I love you" back to him, Mamoru smiled, unwilling to let her go.


Weeks passed by like a blur. But it was the happiest blur Usagi had ever been in. The dull routine of her life suddenly became exciting. Days were spent with Mamoru, evenings were spent with customers, and usually, at night Usagi snuck out of her room and convened with Mamoru again on deserted streets.

There they would walk and talk in hushed whispers, steal kisses from each other, giggle over their dreams, and contemplate their situation silently. Never having been in love, Usagi relished every experience. She felt her way around her new feelings like a new-born baby. During the course of the weeks, when Usagi felt that her sensations were overwhelming her utterly, she knew she could rely on Mamoru. He was amazing. How could she have hated him? She looked at him, at his calmness and peace of mind, and wanted it. Every day, more and more, her love for him grew.

For his part, Mamoru was thrilled. The side of Usagi he was witnessing now was the Usagi he remembered from a long time ago. The girl who saw the world for the flowers and sky and tress; not the spiteful person drowned in a new necklace or kimono. His kiss must have been a key that unlocked some small treasure box in her. Since that night, the depressed Usagi had vanished. In her place was a girl who giggled whenever he looked at her a certain way, who sighed at sunset, whose eyes were clear. He loved her and even entertained notions of marriage.

They kept their romance a secret. For Usagi and Mamoru, it would be forbidden. Usagi belonged to Akiko. She had signed papers, guaranteed a good portion of her young life to being a shirabyooshi. Though the military allowed Mamoru to marry, there were always limits. Taking a courtesan as his wife would end all chances for upward mobility.

At first, secret escapades seemed very romantic. There was nothing like whispering under the moonlight away from the sight of all eyes. The sense of danger and romance created an adrenaline rush like a drug. But then...well, eventually things started becoming serious. "If's" became "when's." Passion melted into trust and comfort. Usagi thought she had never been happier and that maybe, just maybe her life would begin heading in the direction she hoped. Up.


One night destroyed those hopes. Before a lavish tea party that Usagi was supposed to attend, she heard a knock on her door.

"Yes?" she called.

The door slid open and Akiko walked in too calmly, too deliberately. She stood waiting by the door, hands folded.

"Good evening, Akiko," Usagi said into the mirror, as she finished applying the last of her white makeup.

"Usagi, may I speak with you?"

The curtness of the woman's usually bubbly voice alarmed Usagi, but she set her powder down and turned to face Akiko.

"Usagi, I was going over the books today. You've been out a lot more, which is good. Only..."

"Yes?"

"Only, we don't have the money from your customers."

Swallowing, Usagi thought *Because I haven't been out with customers.* She made a mental note to find a way to come up with the money.

"Oh, yes, well...they promised me they would have the money by next week, at the latest. So you don't have to worry Akiko."

Akiko sighed. "If it were that easy, Usagi. Listen. I know you sneak out at nights-"

Usagi's mouth dropped open.

"-I don't know where you go, but I have a good idea that he may be the reason that you're coming up short on your payments. Usagi, I run a business. I give you food, shelter, beautiful clothes, a good life. And when I find out you've been cheating me, how do you think I feel? I don't care that you sneak out at nights, just as long as you bring me back the money for your time. Usagi, I will not forget this debt."

Akiko turned, slid the door open, and vanished. Frozen, Usagi felt her hands trembling. How much had Akiko added to her debt? How much more time would it take for Usagi to pay it off? She felt sick. Now she wouldn't be able to treat Mamoru like anything but a customer. He had to buy her to love her. He would have to scrimp and save to see her. Usagi didn't want that! She didn't want her time or her feelings to be bought like a sack of rice.

Somehow, she finished getting ready, she just didn't remember how. Her thoughts were steeped in Mamoru and money and how the two could not mutually coexist. She walked to the tea house with a few other shirabyooshi, silent.


Usagi didn't know what time it was, but she knew if the merchant sitting next to her gulped down one more cup of sake that he would probably pass out. Smiling at him, Usagi thought her face would break. She giggled and thought her breast-bone would snap in half and skewer her heart. And she would die. And then maybe her head would stop throbbing.

"Hey, hey!" exclaimed a drunken man, motioning to the room. "There's some bad stuff going on in Kyoto. Did I tell you?"

"Tell us what?" bellowed another man.

"Ah, I just came from there, just the other week. Been there for a couple months now. Let me tell you, they are having problems over there. Rebellions. Massacres. You name it. That place is a mess."

"What for?"

"I don't know...it's always something with the new families wanting overthrow the old families. Who knows? I'm glad I'm back in Edo. Hey, pretty-one, my sake cup is empty. Why don't you come fill it?"

Usagi snapped back to attention, and playfully giggled. "I was so distracted by your tale, I completely forgot."

"Yeah? Well it might not be such an interesting story if it carries over to here," another man chimed in. "I heard that the shogun's very nervous about the uprisings in the West. He's gathering troops, I heard."

Thinking nothing of the condition of the country, Usagi was pulled back into her own situation. She pondered Mamoru and felt a desperation in her heart. Things could not be easy for her, not now, at least. The first part of her life had been easy. And she had abused it and this was her penance. The night wore on. The laughter grew louder. The sake ran low. Usagi sank deeper into a silent depression.


Much later that night, in her room, Usagi wrapped a white, cotton robe around herself before sneaking out. She knew Akiko knew. But, she loved Mamoru and wouldn't let him wait all night for her.

Rounding the corner to the temple, Usagi suddenly felt a hand yank her arm. She was pulled into the darkness of the growth of trees. About to scream, Usagi felt her breath cut short when the softness of lips pressed on her own. Involuntarily, she smiled, wrapped her arms around the neck belonging to those lips, and pulled herself in deeper.

"Hello," Mamoru whispered.

"Hello," answered Usagi, as giddy and bashful as if they had never kissed before. "Have you been waiting long?"

"No, not so long."

Usagi shivered and pulled the flimsy robe around her tighter.

"You should have worn more. It's not summer anymore, you know. You might catch a cold out here."

"It's alright. I can't stay long enough to get sick."

"Huh? Why not?"

"We can't meet like this anymore, Mamoru."

"What?"

"Mamoru, Akiko knows. And she's angry. She thinks I'm stealing from her. So we can't meet unless you're paying me."

Immediately, Mamoru released her and fished in his side-pouch for the money he had on him. When Usagi stopped his hand with her own, he looked at her.

"No," she said. "Please, I don't want that."

"But I'm giving you money for tonight."

"No. You can't pay for this. Every time we meet, that's at least a day's salary. You'll have no money. Besides, I have a debt I have to pay off first."

"Usagi, I don't care about money. What do I need it for? I live in the palace, eat their food. I don't need it."

"Mamoru, there's another reason...I...I don't want to take your money. What will that say about us, about our love? I can't."

Mamoru shook his head. "But, Usagi...then I won't be able to see you. I'd rather sell out my love than not be able to be with you."

Usagi sighed. "Mamoru...I just know I can't take your money in exchange for my time and love. I don't want to be in that situation anymore."

"Is this goodbye, Usagi?" Mamoru asked.

"No! No, that's not what I want either."

"Then...what is it? How can we be together if we can't be together?"

"Well," Usagi began thoughtfully, "We can write. And I know sometimes we throw large parties for a few military officials. Maybe you could try to come?"

"Maybe..."

"Mamoru, this is only temporary. When I pay off my debt to Akiko and you get promoted and get paid more, maybe...maybe I won't have to be in this life anymore."

Mamoru nodded and looked away. "But how long will that take?"

It was a rhetorical question. They both knew it could be years before Usagi paid off her debt. And by then, Mamoru could be ranked so highly in the military that it would look bad if he had no wife and went tramping about with a courtesan.

"I need to go," Usagi mumbled. "I'll write you."

"And I'll try to go to the parties."

Usagi nodded. "Bye."

"Goodbye."

Mamoru kissed her once on the forehead and she stroked his cheek before Usagi ducked under the branch of drying, gold leaves. The last remnants of autumn.


"Dearest Mamoru," her letter began, "I miss you! I know it's only been a few days, but do you realize we haven't been apart this long since you went away? I watched the first snows fall and longed so much to be like the bare ground. Covered in a freezing blanket, hidden away from everything. I love you, do you know that? I was thinking about the past today, wondering if I had always loved you. I'm still not sure what the answer is. But don't worry, please don't worry. Because I love you so much now, there is no past. Only a future. I've never longed for Tomorrow as much as I do now. Even during these winter snows, I think of us together and I become warm inside. Please write me back. I will be thinking of you every second of every day until you do. Love, Usagi."

Mamoru smiled and folded the small slip of paper. Gazing out of his window, he sighed as he saw the snow showering down heavily. It reminded him of what Usagi had written, about her wanting to be covered by it. He envisioned her, standing amongst stripped birches, hair loose, snow pouring down around her. It was an easy landscape for him to picture, somehow. Usagi seemed to belong to the winter. He thought that being with her would maybe rescue her from the deep sadness that always permeated her. But it hadn't. He thought that maybe she was changing and becoming more content with life. The letter confirmed his suspicions that it had all been a facade. Mamoru was afraid for her. Inside of her, there lived a deadened piece of heart, a part of her always detached, always gazing from afar.

He sighed again, re-read the note, and became more worried. Mamoru's thoughts shifted from Usagi to the news he had been told the day before. One of the lords living in the castle had summoned him into his chambers.

"Captain Chiba," the man had said, "I'm sure you've heard of the problems in the Kansai region."

"Yes."

"The rebels have done much damage there and pose a serious threat to Edo. We're going to counter-attack, Chiba. I need troops. We're counting on all of Japan's samurai."

"Yes, sir."

"I'm counting on you especially. You show promise. If you can do well in this campaign, we will promote you, Chiba. You'll be on your way to a glorious legacy."

"Thank you, sir."

"We march in a month, Chiba. Be ready."

A month. And then he was off to Kyoto. And then his fate would be determined. He could fight and move up in the ranks of the military. Perhaps gain more land. Perhaps go back home. Perhaps pay off Usagi's debt and marry her. Or he could die. At the hands off lesser men, in a distant place.

As a samurai, he knew that death was forever imminent. And that it was natural. But, he did not want to die. Not now. The future looked too beautiful. Like Usagi, he looked forward to it. Almost every night before he fell asleep, Mamoru dreamed of a simple life, uncomplicated like now. Usagi had been in that picture for a while now. In his mind, she was happy. They lived in the mountains with no one around for miles. They stayed up late into the night, whispering in low voices, touching, reveling in each other.

Then, how could he tell her that he was leaving? Perhaps for good. And that due to their forced separation, he might never again see her in this life? Could he tell her he was choosing duty over love? Mamoru feared that she could never accept that. Yet, he couldn't tell her in a letter. If her heart broke, he didn't want her will to go with it. Mamoru needed to be there for her.

But for the moment, he unfolded the letter and re-read. And dreamt of a place where it never snowed, of a time when things would be simple.


"My Usagi," the letter read, "Receiving your letter made me extremely happy, yet it also made me realize how much I miss you. I'm going crazy here. Because of the snow, I haven't been outside as much as I would have liked to. I suppose it's fortunate that we cannot see each other, because if we could, where would we meet? The snows are simply too heavy for any outdoor activity. I have good news. I think some of the other officers will be throwing a small gathering in the Chanomiya tea house next Friday evening and I heard them mentioning something about "Akiko's girls." I will try to be there. Will you? Please say you will. The promise of seeing you, even if it's from across the room, would have me walking on a cloud for the next few days. Write me with your response. I love you, Chiba Mamoru."

Usagi quickly folded the note and slipped it into a small lacquer box. Quickly, with contained excitement, she exited her room and pittered over to Akiko's.

"Akiko?" she called.

"Yes, come is," the woman responded.

Usagi slid the door open and stood at the entrance with hopeful eyes. "Good afternoon."

"Oh, hello, Usagi. What can I do for you?"

"Akiko, are there any parties coming up? I'm so depressed from this weather that I need to attend a few good ones, I think."

Delighted that Usagi was showing some interest in entertaining, Akiko quickly perused her schedule in her mind.

"Well...there's one on Tuesday here, a small one, for Fukomita and some of his friends. Then there's a rather large one on Thursday at Taro's for some lord or another's birthday. I believe there is one smaller one at Chanomiya's on Friday and another on Saturday at...oh, I forgot where. I'll have to check my books. Other than that, it seems everyone shares your anxieties about the weather. No one is throwing many parties."

"May I attend the ones on Thursday and Friday then?" Usagi inquired.

"Surely. I'll put you down for them."

"Thank you, Akiko. I'm sure that getting out and having fun will put me in better spirits."

"I hope so. Lately, you've seemed a little depressed."

"Yes, I know. Don't worry though. These parties will put me in a better mood. I know it."


The week crawled by. All Usagi could think about was Friday night. She spent hours in her room, wrapping different kimonos around herself, deciding which one Mamoru might like more. She groomed her hair and skin more thoroughly. And she smiled more. Everyone seemed to notice. One night during dinner, Minako nudged and under her breath said

"Stop smiling already."

Usagi turned to her and her grin grew deeper. Minako giggled.

"You look like a happy puppy dog."

"Well, I am happy."

Smiling, Minako thought nothing of the remark. Mamoru hadn't been around lately. Maybe Usagi really didn't love him as much as Minako had presumed. After all, who would be so giddy being away from their lover so long? She returned to her meal.

Friday night Usagi was a wreck. Excitement coupled with nervousness caused her hands to tremble as she applied her white face makeup. Somehow, her obi sash didn't look quite perfect and she fixed it three times. She paced around her room anxiously waiting to leave. Finally, she, Minako, and three other girls departed the house. Usagi led the group by a couple of feet.

"Usagi! Wait up!" they called.

"Hurry, hurry. We can't be late."

When they arrived (ten minutes early thanks to Usagi's pace), only the owner of the tea house was there. The girls made idle conversation with him, while tuning their shamisens, or fixing each other's hair. Soon, a few officers arrived and Usagi's stomach flipped. Only a few more minutes, she calculated, and then she could see him. Her heart thudded. More men arrived. Mamoru was not with them. In the newly arriving group, she recognized Motoki. He met eyes with her and then looked away. As more people arrived, the noise and festivities grew. One girl danced a beautiful piece about a grieving mother whose son was killed in a war. Another girl played the shamisen while Minako sang. Mamoru still had not arrived. He was over an hour late.

Throughout the performances, Usagi felt Motoki staring at her. It made her feel awkward. What did he want? Pervert, Usagi thought. If Mamoru knew that his friend was staring at her the way he was, he would be pretty upset. During a break in the performances, before Usagi was set to dance, she felt Motoki's eyes once again on her. She almost became angry, until he motioned for her to follow him. Then she became frightened. What was he going to do to her? Reluctantly, she stood and made her way to an empty corner in the hall.

"Usagi, do you remember me?" Motoki asked.

She nodded and swallowed, her breathing heavy.

"I have something for you," he said.

Usagi nodded again. Oh, god. Here it was. She didn't want to know what his "present" would be. A sloppy kiss? An unwanted grope? He reached his hand into his belt.

"No!" Usagi said, backing away. "Get away from me!"

"Wh-what?" Motoki asked, pulling a slip of paper from his pouch.

Glancing at the note, Usagi turned red, realizing her folly. "Oh, my...Motoki, I'm so sorry. You were just giving me that?"

He blushed with her. "Yes. It's from Mamoru."

Usagi's heart thudded when he mentioned the name. She took the paper from his fingers. "Why couldn't he give it to me himself?"

"He can't make it tonight. He told me to tell you."

Usagi's heart felt like a leaf in a lake, overcome with water and sinking. "Wh-why?"

"I'm not sure. He mentioned something about a meeting for the Kansai troops. I don't know."

"The Kansai troops?"

"Yes, you know, to go help in the Kansai uprisings. He just told me to give this to you. That's all."

Nodding, Usagi bowed to Motoki, who walked away. She opened the paper and read.

"Love, This meager note can never express my regret for not showing up tonight. Unfortunately, I woke up this morning very sick and the doctors feared that with the horrible weather, it would grow worse so I am bedridden. I am so sorry. I am probably ten times more disappointed than you. But hopefully, we can see each other very soon. Love always, Chiba Mamoru."

Usagi felt her eyes filling with tears. She had never felt such a crushing, heavy disappointment. Her lower lip trembled and suddenly, she felt as bad as Mamoru must. She heard her name being called.

"Usagi!" said Minako.

Snapping her head around, Usagi glanced towards the middle of the room, where everyone seemed to be staring at her.

"Would you dance for us now, if you're ready?"

Usagi nodded, and slipped the paper into her obi. Sadness would have to wait until the dance was over.


After her dance, Usagi had days and days to feel sorry for herself. Binges of pity, which usually occurred any time she had free, engrossed her thoughts. At first, she let herself be consumed with tears. Then, with lingering sighs in her room. Sulking. Depression. Despair. Whatever. Usagi relished in it, like a pig in the mud. She wondered and worried. What had Motoki meant about the Kansai troops? Mamoru had never mentioned anything to her. Recalling the words of the merchants at the party a few weeks ago, Usagi's thoughts became troubled. Then, she recalled that Mamoru's note only said that he had become ill. Usagi was confused.

A week passed by, and she hadn't smiled or laughed for its entire duration. Only when Mamoru's letter came, did she manage a small grin.

"My Usagi, Receiving your letter made my health improve by leaps and bounds. Once again, I am so eternally sorry for not showing up at the party. I missed you terribly. Usagi, I'm dying over our separation. If I don't speak with you, hold you, kiss you, I'll go crazy. There's something I need to discuss with you. I feel like you'll need to know. Usagi, I'm willing to pay. I don't care about this nonsense that you're not my commodity. I need your time, I need you. I'll do anything. Later this week, when I'm fully recovered I will come over. No buts. I love you. Chiba Mamoru."

The smile on Usagi's face wilted into a scowl. So he didn't care about buying her love like a cheap thing? Well, she did. Purchasing her body, her time was one thing. But, her love? How could Mamoru not see how utterly disgusting that was? Usagi refused to crawl to that level. Had he no patience? What did he want from her? Her anger coupled with her gross depression caused her insides to rage and roar, the way the sea does during thunderstorms. Finding the closest paper and ink, Usagi began a furious letter in reply.

"Mamoru," it began, "How dare you desert me at a party, claiming illness, and then insist on buying me because of it. If you wanted to see me, then you should have attended the gathering! I told you, I refuse to be bought. You can't have me like my clients do. There is nothing sacred in my life except for my feelings. Do not tramp on them! I miss you too. I love you too. I'm dying more because of your absence. The difference with me is I can wait! I have been waiting, everyday, for something, someone to free me from this life. Your money will not. When you buy me, you perpetuate the cycle. Please, don't love me like a commodity. Usagi."

Sealing the note, she waited for the messenger who usually arrived at the house around late afternoon. When he came, she shoved the note into his hand.

"The palace. Chiba Mamoru. Make sure he gets it and understands."


In his room, Mamoru sat pen and paper in hand. His chin rested on his hand, and he gazed outside. Finally, the snow had stopped falling. Yet a thick white coat still froze the ground, the rooftops, the trees. The world slept, encased in its own death. The sound of pounding on his door snapped him out of his reverie.

"Captain Chiba!"

"Yes," Mamoru called.

When the door opened revealing a general, Mamoru's attention zoomed into focus. He got on his knees immediately in a gesture of respect.

"Chiba, this is not the time! Gather those under your command and meet me in the Great Hall in half an hour. This is urgent."

"Yes, General."

The tall man spun on his heels and was out the door before Mamoru could speak a single reply. Alarmed, Mamoru threw on his armor and raced down to the lower floors, to round up the troops he commanded.


Twenty-six minutes later, they and what seemed like thousands of other men, stood mashed together in the Great Hall. Mamoru's heart raced. Something was wrong. He would not have been called here, urgently, standing in a room with nearly every warrior in Edo, if it were simply a strategy meeting. The shogun's entrance into the packed room confirmed this. Worried whispers passed through the crowd; all of the men believed him to be in Kyoto, managing the revolts. Not in Edo.

Raising his hands, the shogun silenced the crowd. He spoke:

"Warriors of Japan, the time to defend our destined heritage is among us. Threats to the West threaten to destroy our unity, the fate of the Gods. Rebels are moving swiftly across the mountains towards the Eastern regions, more specifically to Edo-"

A grumble, low and fearful, spread over the men.

"-Because of this serious threat, the mobilization planned two weeks from now will begin tomorrow. All soldiers should report to their commanding officers at noon. We will move then. I suggest you get plenty of rest, bring as many warm pieces of clothing as possible. It will be freezing. Good luck to you all."

The shogun departed the room immediately. The crowd remained in a stunned silence for a few seconds before breaking into pandemonium. "My wife is expecting our child in a week!" "Who will take over my business in such short notice!" "Warm clothes? I have no other clothes!"

Throughout the noise and chaos, Mamoru remained staring at the insignia on the back of the coat of the man in front of him. His jaw hung agape. All he could think was "Usagi." He couldn't believe that it had come to this. Not seeing her for so long a time. Maybe forever Never telling her what she had meant to him. Never really figuring out her sadness, or trying to turn it into something lighter. Could he accept that from himself? From destiny? Swallowing, he pushed through the crowds, ignoring all those who called out to him. He needed to figure things out, decide what he would do. In the hallway, Mamoru broke into a sprint. He reached the stairs leading to his room. But he didn't stop there.

His legs told him to keep going. Out of the palace. Into January's snows. Coatless. With only his indoor slippers. He simply ran. To where, he knew exactly. The cold wind singed his throat. Mamoru coughed phlegm and spit, but pressed on. Running in two feet of snow, he felt like his legs would break. But he kept on. Sunset blazed in the sky. Orange and red and violet. Only colors that he had seen in the flames of fires.

When he felt he could run no more, Mamoru wondered if this was what death felt like. He pictured a sword running through him, or perhaps an arrow, and suddenly became violently nauseous. Pausing only to vomit, he wiped his mouth as he rounded the corner to a tree lined street. Though now those trees were buried in snow. Passing under familiar gates, Mamoru ceased running and treaded through the virgin snows. He limped towards a window he knew well. And tapped on it.

And then he saw her face. Shocked and beautiful. Elated and then frightened.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" she whispered sharply.

His teeth clattered against each other. "P-p-please, c-c-can I c-come in?"

Her eyebrows creased in deep worry. She nodded and told him to sneak around to the back. No one was there, except the half-blind servant. She would let him in there.

After tiptoeing down halls, hand in freezing hand, they finally made it to Usagi's chambers. Mamoru sunk down to the floor, shivering, nose red, eyes tearing. Usagi snatched her blanket and wrapped it around him. Staring into his eyes, her own filled with tears.

"Mamoru..."

She looked up and he saw worry and relief and anger and disillusion all there. Bending down, Usagi touched his lips with her own, anything to warm them. Mamoru shivered.

"I missed you," he whispered.

Usagi nodded. "Why are you here?"

"I need to be with you, Usagi, one las-"

"Didn't you get my letter?"

"No, not yet."

"Mamoru, if you're found here, I'll be kicked out," Usagi pleaded.

"Please, just let me tell you-"

"If you had read my letter, you would know all there is to know!" she hissed.

Suddenly, Mamoru was not as cold anymore. He narrowed his eyes. "Usagi, listen to me. What I have to say I'm sure is ten times more important than whatever you wrote in that letter."

Usagi's jaw fell open and she stood, backing away. "Why are you being so arrogant?"

"Why are you!"

"Shhh!"

Silence crackled in the room.

"Do you want me to get caught, Mamoru? Do you want me to be thrown out into the snows?"

"You won't be thrown out! Just listen to me, Usagi!"

Usagi's eyes brimmed with boiling tears. "Mamoru, please, if I get caught...Please. Get out. Write me a letter. Just leave! You know I love you. But, please, Akiko's here, everyone's here! Please, leave. Get-"

He couldn't believe he was hearing this. Usagi's pathetic whimpers, her surfeit of emotion sickened him. She was still that ego-centric brat from years ago. The one who thought the entire world existed within the walls of her home. The one whose ignorance stung like vinegar in a open gash. Though he tried to control it, he felt his temper boiling over. Mamoru seized her upper arms violently, his hands like a vise. A small whimper escaped her lips.

"Shut up," he growled. "For once in your life, *I'm* more important than you! For once, *my* problems take precedence!"

Usagi felt a choked sob pushed from her chest. Before she could capitalize on the pity her tears would produce, Mamoru crushed his lips on hers, stealing her breath away. His kiss felt like a kick to the stomach. Usagi imagined she were underwater, drowning. Suddenly she felt hands on her neck. He was going to strangle her! She was about to scream through his mouth when she felt his hands reach under the hem of her robe and caress her collarbone.

Just as Usagi thought she might collapse, Mamoru released her lips from his. He stared at her like a tiger might its prey, fierce and determined. His hands still buried between her skin and robe. They moved up and caught her face, lifting it. Usagi's eyes widened as Mamoru dipped his lips down to her neck.

"No, Mamoru," she whispered. "I'll be thrown out. No..."

He stopped, looked up at her, and glared. When he kissed her again, Usagi didn't protest. She squeezed her eyes shut and recalled how he made her feel such intense desire and fear. He nipped at her lip and she winced in pain. When she felt herself be thrown off her feet and haphazardly carried, Usagi's eyes flew open. Mamoru deposited her on the futon in the corner. She felt terror like she never had as she watched him practically rip off his armor. The clanking sound echoed in her ears.

"Mamoru..." she pleaded weakly.

Again, he stared down at her, half-threatening, half-loving, if that were possible. He sunk down next to her and kissed her again. Time began moving in a blur. His hands ran down her neck again...and lower. Usagi wanted to scream and hit him away. Tears spilled out of her eyes. She didn't know whether to be terrified or swept away as his hands freed the thin sash around her silk robe. When his hands divided the cloth, revealing her torso, Usagi wanted to fling her arms over herself in protection and she wanted to wrap her arms around Mamoru's neck and draw him in closer.

The silk crumpled to the floor, discarded. Somehow, Mamoru's clothes joined it. He lay on top of her, breathing heavily, glaring (or gazing?) into her eyes. Usagi looked up to him, frightened as if she had never done this before. As if this wasn't her livelihood. Mamoru kissed her again, muffling Usagi's cry of shock and ecstasy as their bodies meshed together.

Usagi finally recovered her thoughts and quickly lost them again. Every time she wanted to scream her protests, Mamoru covered her mouth, denying her. His lips, his hands, his body, his sporadic whispers, was it supposed to be like this? As if Usagi already knew the truth, she grasped as Mamoru's neck fiercely. All those times...in the dark...with cold bodies like corpses. If only she had known it was supposed to feel this way. That this was what the poets wrote about. That she loved Mamoru enough to cry out when the truth finally hit her and him. Like when one falling from a cliff hits the rocks below.

And then things became silent. Except for his breathing. And hers. Blended together like strings and song, so that Usagi didn't know where hers left off and his began.

Music filled her mind as Mamoru buried his face into her shoulder. Usagi felt him trembling. Why? She clutched him to her, hugging him. Wanting to tell him how he had made her feel like no one *ever* had. When Mamoru sobbed softly into her hair, Usagi knew something was wrong.

"Mamoru..." she whispered. "I..."

He gazed up into her face, tears pouring from him eyes. Then, he looked down and tried to make his face hard and solid. Kissing her again, Mamoru looked back at her.

"Usagi. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

Smiling, Usagi began to shake her head. "It's alright, Mamo-"

"I came to say goodbye."

Why the smile remained on Usagi's face as Mamoru quickly recounted the sordid details of his leaving, she never knew. Why she couldn't cry, she never knew. How she somehow fell asleep that night, how she woke up and it was dawn and snowing again, and he wasn't there, she never knew. How she saw the pouch next to her and opened it, finding enough money to pay for that night, enough to pay for nearly three-quarters of her debt, the tears finally came.


When Mamoru returned to the palace, he found a sealed letter in his room. Opening it, he read. And placed it down. And read it again. The words haunted him. "There is nothing sacred in my life except for my feelings." He put on his armor, hands shaking. He sat on the floor. Staring at the words. "I'm dying more because of your absence." He thought of the night. And could not see anymore. Because of the tears that clouded his vision. "I have been waiting, everyday, for something, someone to free me from this life." They just came. Over and over again. In a torrent as heavy as the snow falling outside.

 

- - -

 

Thank you all for waiting....and now more waiting...stay tuned for Chapter 4.

Big companies own Sailor Moon, not me. I own this story. E-mail me to use it anywhere.