< - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Another World -http://www.geocities.com/sm_anotherworld - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Butterfly, Unfolding
By Sailor Jes

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A falling flower, thought I,
Fluttering back to the branch --
Was a butterfly.

-Moritake

- - -

Usagi. The name resounded in Mamoru's ears like an echo in a deep ravine. The blonde woman turned around when she heard Minako call her. God, she looked so familiar. Swallowing, Mamoru thought *No, it couldn't be...* The small-framed woman trodding towards them smiled. Mamoru's jaw opened. No... He noticed her features were too small and elvish to belong to a woman. This Usagi couldn't have been more than eighteen.

"Usagi," Minako said, once the girl was in hearing distance. "This is..."

Mamoru blanked out the words Minako was saying. He saw the smile on Usagi's lips fade. Recognition welled in her eyes like puddles after a rainstorm.

"No...It can't be," Usagi whispered. "Mamoru?"

 

Chapter Two

 

Gawking at him, Usagi only thought one thing: run. It was instinctive when she turned and bolted to the back of the house.

"Usagi!" Minako cried.

But Mamoru had sprung from his seat and was running after her. With his military training, he had no problem catching up to Usagi. Catching her arm, he jerked her around violently. Had his grip not been so strong she would have plunged to the ground. The look in her eyes was of sheer terror.

"It *is* you," Mamoru whispered.

"Let me go," she commanded.

"What are you doing here?"

"Let me go!"

He tightened his vise. "What are you doing here?" he said in a low voice. "Usagi?"

She stared up at him silently, fearfully. Her eyes pleaded with him, the eyes that had changed since he had last seen them, and he released his grip on her arm. Usagi bowed her head.

"You never answered my question," he called.

Usagi remembered her promise to Minako, that she would never be ashamed of what she was doing. She needed to feel no shame, anyways. After all, she was only talking to Chiba Mamoru. And he was nobody. "I work here," stated Usagi, lifting her chin.

Mamoru smirked. "You always did like playing with my head, Usagi."

"I'm not playing with your head."

Mamoru stood silently. "I...don't understand you."

"I work here. What is there to understand?"

"But...how? Why?"

"Didn't you hear what happened to my family?"

Eyes wide, Mamoru nodded. He felt his mouth become dry. Could she really *work* here? "I did hear about it...but I...I...wouldn't have thought that they would send you to a...a place like this."

"They don't know I'm here," said Usagi, raising her nose in the air. "They think I'm married to Yamato Ishikawa."

Mamoru said. "Why aren't you? What happened?"

He was chipping away at her stone wall. Couldn't he stop asking these questions? The past was where it belonged, there was no need to dredge it up. Usagi squeezed her eyes shut. No, she didn't want to think about it.

"It's not your concern! If you want a girl, I'll send for one, but I refuse to serve you."

And with that she marched away. Mamoru remained gawking. What had just happened? No, Usagi couldn't possibly...sell...her virtue. She couldn't be one of *those* women. Not even a woman, only a girl! She concealed it well but Mamoru could see that Usagi was now just a trembling autumn leaf, waiting her turn to fall from the branch and sink to the ground. His mouth dropped open and his insides trembled. Usagi, the girl who had made him cry once, even though he had been sixteen, she eleven. He had left his home because of her. For revenge. *One day, when I'm a great warrior, I'll return and then she won't make fun of me,* Mamoru had believed. *I'll show her...*

This aggression, this pure desire to see her squashed under his shoes had fueled him through his training. It had lurched him up to the best in his class and his sensei's favor. But, when his sensei had discovered this overwhelming need in Mamoru to seek vengeance for his wounds, he almost dismissed his beloved pupil from training.

"Mamoru, you are becoming a warrior for the wrong reasons," he had told the boy.

"No, sensei. I do want to be a warrior," Mamoru protested.

"Warriors use their strength for justice. Not revenge. Especially against a civilian. Especially a woman."

"But, sensei, all my life, she has attacked me and my family's honor," he cried. "I must defend those things."

His sensei shook his head. "No, Mamoru. You have vipers in your heart when you seek revenge. You can never crush them. Either they rip into every chamber of your flesh or they squeeze the life from your soul. Conquer them now, Mamoru. Or they will conquer you."

Eyes wide, Mamoru stared at his sensei. Were these feelings in his heart truly snakes? He didn't see them as that. Mamoru had thought that the anger pumping through his veins allowed him more power. Like blood, it kept him charging full force. Could they really be his downfall?

"Sensei," Mamoru muttered. "How can I cleanse my heart?"

The old man smiled. "Mamoru, you have a strong will. But there are many in this world with strong wills. What sets you apart from the others is that your mind is pure. Trust your heart. It is stronger than you think."

His sensei had set him away to a temple far in the mountains for months, to purify his spirit. Mamoru had returned and forgotten all about Usagi.


Now he stood in the garden watching her flee in a swirl of kimono and flowers. So, this is what his sensei had meant. He did not feel vipers, but instead something else took residence in his heart. Pity. And questions devoured his mind: Why was she here? How could she do this? What had changed?

He had sensed that overwhelming pride in her heart, that natural barrier that kept her from civility. In Usagi's mind, she was still his superior. How, then, would he get the answers he sought? He needed to know how one of the nation's most respected daughters had fallen into the clutches of prostitution. As a warrior shouldn't he protect all, even those not worthy of it? Well, Usagi was in definite need of assistance, if not guarding.

Turning back, Mamoru returned to the garden where Motoki and Minako were. He needed to make Usagi see that she was making a terrible mistake.


She couldn't believe it. How had he seen her like this? She was humiliated. That lowlife Mamoru, how could he have found her like this? He would surely tell her family. What would happen then?

Usagi, after speaking with him, had run to the Shinto shrine. Though Rei wasn't there, Usagi stayed for over three hours, thinking, walking amongst the beauty of nature, and crying. She didn't want to see Mamoru again, but somehow she had to beg him, plead with him not to tell a single soul about her degrading conditions.

Well, wasn't he getting the last laugh? Usagi knew she had been a terror to him. Remembering how she had called him names or blackmailed him into doing things for her, she cringed. That person from long ago, had that really been her? Had her station in life really influenced her behavior that much? Mamoru was probably laughing now, gloating over his accomplishments. And why shouldn't he be? Usagi would have.

When sundown came, Usagi decided it was time to go home. There would be men to entertain tonight and she needed to get ready. Slowly, she sauntered home, attempting to collect her out-of-control emotions. Rounding the corner to her familiar street, Usagi entered the gardens of her home. She nodded to a few of her "sisters" and paced into the house.

Akiko, the head of the household's wife, was walking down the hall.

"Usagi," she called breathlessly. "Usagi! I've been looking all over for you."

"I was at the shrine," Usagi replied.

Akiko nodded. "Usagi, start getting ready."

"But, Akiko, it is not even five o'clock. Entertainments don't begin until eight."

The older woman smiled. "Yes, Usagi, but tonight, you must be especially beautiful. Come, I will see if I can dig up one of my better kimono for you."

Taking her by the hand, Akiko practically dragged Usagi down the hall.

"Akiko, please, tell me what is going on!"

Akiko stopped. "You do not know?"

Usagi shook her head. Sighing, Akiko pinched Usagi's cheeks cheerfully.

"You must be more alert, child. Usagi, a very wealthy customer has asked for your company personally. He says he is willing to pay over twice the normal price to be with you. Alone. Isn't it fantastic! You are finally getting some regulars. See, I told you it would be a matter of time."

Usagi smiled plastically. Locking the grin onto her lips, she thought her heart would wilt and die. "That-that is really terrific."

Usagi didn't even want to ask who it was. Guessing from all of her previous parties, it was probably the old merchant, Yoshikuni. The creep who has lust in his eyes when he stared at her at parties, who made suggestive, horrid jokes to her. Disgusting. She would have to entertain that man for the whole night. And by herself? The thought made her nauseous.

Usagi went through the motions of getting ready. She combed her hair as usual, applied her makeup as usual, rubbed oil into her arms and legs as usual. Yet, she dressed in a different manner, tying her obi sash in a new way, not wearing so many undergarments. This allowed for her to undress easily, if need be. And she figured the need would be. Finally, Akiko called through the door:

"Usagi, are you ready yet?"

"Yes, coming!"

Staring at herself one last time in the mirror, Usagi wished her nerves away. It would be just the same with Yoshikuni, except she would be alone, that's all. Exhaling, she collected herself and then slid the door open. Akiko was in the hall, ready to lead her to the smaller, private rooms on the opposite end of the house. Walking past other rooms, she heard giggling from one and the wailing of a shamisen from another. They stopped in front of the room. Usagi's heart hammered against her ribcage.

[Ed. note: A shamisen is a musical instrument.]

"Now, Usagi, don't be nervous," Akiko told her. "Just be calm and remember this man is paying us a generous sum of money."

Nodding, Usagi forced a smile and calmed herself. Putting on a look of pure seduction, she slid open the door. The man in the room turned around upon hearing the noise of the sliding door. Usagi saw him and her calmness melted like iron in a fire. Trembling, she beheld the man on the other side of the room.

"Mamoru," she whispered.


Usagi stood by the door, paralyzed. Mamoru also remained frozen, but for a different reason. Usagi's will had visibly crumpled. Pure fear pulsated in her eyes. She was vulnerable and confused. Mamoru knew she wanted to turn and run. But she couldn't and she knew it and he knew it too.

"Usagi," he replied calmly, veiling his nervousness.

As he said her name, she hardened and collected herself. After all, this was business.

"I didn't expect you here," she commented, entering the room.

"I arranged it that way."

Sashaying past him, she turned and smiled. "Alright." Then, she went to the corner and picked up the shamisen there. Usagi was about to pluck the strings for tuning, when Mamoru said

"No, not now."

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, Usagi smiled again. "Then do you want a dance?"

Shaking his head, Mamoru replied "Usagi, you know what I came here for."

Usagi raised her chin higher into the air. Then, she nodded. Turning her back on him, Usagi felt her lip tremble. This was not happening. Mamoru was not here. But, what could she do? He was a paying customer. A customer. That's right. Some one she didn't know. Usagi reached up and undid her elaborate hairdo. The blonde hair unraveled and cascaded down her back. Slowly, she began untying the obi sash that held her kimono together.

Mamoru stood watching her fidget with her clothes. Figuring it was nervousness, he let her be. He was going to get answers; he had paid dearly for them. Shaking his head, he wondered if all that money was worth a silly conversation. He let his thoughts wander while Usagi collected herself. The thud of the heavy obi on the flood snapped him back to the situation. Mamoru was confused, at first. Usagi turned around to him, kimono half undone. Then, he realized.

"Usagi!" he cried, turning scarlet.

She stood before him proudly, nose high in the air. Mamoru should have turned away. Here she was, kimono opened to him, and his eyes felt riveted to her body.

"Well?" she said. "What are you waiting for? There are no invitations here."

About to peel off one shoulder of the beautiful robe, Usagi was stopped by Mamoru's hand on her own. Puzzled, she raised an eyebrow.

"Usagi," Mamoru half-shouted, half-croaked, "you've got it all wrong."

His head was spinning. Outraged, he wondered how she could think he wanted that from her. Outraged, he wondered why his gaze kept lowering to the revealed expanse of white skin. The long neck like a swan's, the vast, smooth collarbone, and then, Mamoru gulped, the valley in between her breasts. He smelled warm oils on her skin. Her hair fell about her face, the face that looked confused and frightened and tragic all at the same time. It all lay open to him; she had offered it all to him. Releasing her harshly, he turned from her.

"Put your clothes back on," he commanded.

For a moment, Usagi gazed at the back of his head. What exactly did he want from her? She flushed and quickly yanked the kimono back on herself.

"Mamoru, what is it that you want from me?"

"Are you dressed?" "Yes."

He faced her again, enraged. "So this is what you do now? You've become nothing but a...but a...a..."

"A whore?" she asked calmly.

"Yes! I mean, no! Usagi, what are you doing? Look at yourself?"

Shrugging, Usagi replied "I look at myself everyday in the mirror. I know what I'm doing, Mamoru. Who are *you* to be chastising me anyways?"

"For these hours that I bought you, I'm anything I want to be."

Usagi closed her mouth. Her eyes were wide and she didn't know what to say. She had no reply. Mamoru, too, shut his mouth. Immediately, he regretted what he had said.

"Usagi, I-"

Waving her hand, she cut him off. Shakily, she said "No, I deserved that. You're right. You own me, at least for tonight."

"Usagi, really, I did-"

"No, Mamoru. What is it you want? You paid for this. Tell me."

"Usagi, I didn't pay for you, I paid for your time! I knew you would never talk to me unless I forced you into it. If you want to do something for me, sit here, pour me some sake, and tell me what happened to you."

She stood considering him and his proposal, then glanced over to the small table in the middle of the room. Pacing towards it, she knelt down, reached for two sake cups, and poured the dark liquid into them.

"Here," she said, offering one to Mamoru. He smiled and joined her at the table. Sipping it, she looked down at her disheveled kimono.

"You've changed, Usagi."

Glancing up, she replied "You have too."

"How so?"

Usagi shook her head. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

Silence. Mamoru put down his sake glass. "Can I tell you how you've changed?"

Saying nothing, Usagi looked at him. He continued.

"I remember you used to have this gleam in your eyes. A cutting glimmer. Whenever you looked at me, I felt like you were slicing me to shreds. And...now? You've lost it. Your eyes used to be sharp, alert. I can't see anything in them now. They're very murky, like the ocean on a cloudy day."

"You're cruel," Usagi muttered, casting him a hateful stare.

"You've sunken."

"I'm surviving!"

"Call it what you like, Usagi. The spirit in your eyes has become dull."

"I've been through a lot!"

"So have I."

"Aargh!" she cried in frustration, upsetting her sake cup. She buried her face in the sleeves of her robe. Finally, she looked up at him, eyes watery. "There, do you see my spirit now? Do I make you 'feel' anything? Don't come here and tell me how I've changed. I'm fighting, Mamoru!"

"Fighting? Ha! So that little strip show a moment ago was 'fighting?' That's not what I'd call it."

Opening her mouth to retort, Usagi reconsidered and looked away. Mamoru saw her chin quiver. This time he didn't feel guilty.

"What should I have done, Mamoru? Married Ishimaru? Would that have been any better? Wouldn't I still be selling myself to him? I still would have been a pauper at the mercy of a man. I'm poor. I have nothing. Going to him, agreeing to be his bride so that I could remain wealthy that would have prostituting myself, wouldn't that still be prostitution? So, tell me, Mamoru, what would you have done?"

This time, words failed him. When he looked at her this time, he saw it. In her eyes. The fierce gaze. She rendered him speechless. "You...you...could have worked..."

"I'm working now! Some people use their hands to work, some people use their minds. I use this," she said, gesturing up and down her body.

"Usagi," Mamoru began. "I...I'm sorry...I was too hasty in judging you."

She nodded and her gaze softened. "But, Mamoru...I'm trying. I know it's not your way, but I fight. Someday, maybe...it won't have to be this way."

Mamoru nodded in return. Usagi looked down at her spilled sake cup and sighed. There was an awkward silence. Then, Mamoru stood.

"I got what I came for," he said sternly. "So, I'll go now."

Usagi nodded and did not look up as he walked out of the room. When she finally did raise her eyes, she noticed a coin on the table. She picked it up and ran her fingers over the smooth metal. Her tip. Debating whether to take it, she finally slipped it into her coin purse, stood, and left the room.


The next day passed by uneventfully for Usagi. And the next too. But on Thursday, three days after her meeting with Mamoru, Akiko called her into her room.

"Usagi, you have an appointment today at three thirty," the older woman told her.

"Alright," she replied. Figuring it was with her seamstress, she asked "Has he finished my new kimono?"

Akiko looked puzzled. "No, Usagi. An appointment with a client."

"A client? In the afternoon?"

"Yes, your wealthy admirer from the night before. The handsome one," Akiko teased.

Swallowing, Usagi nodded. Mamoru. What did he want? Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Usagi mumbled something, bowed, and walked out of the room, disoriented. She met Minako in the hall.

"Good morning, Usagi."

"Oh, hello, Minako."

Minako peered at her. "Is something troubling you?"

Bending her pinky finger, Usagi furrowed her brow and replied "Sort of. Minako, is it common to meet with clients in the afternoon?"

"Well...it all depends on his schedule, you know. So, I suppose it might not be so strange. Why? Do you have an afternoon liaison today?"

Usagi nodded.

"With whom?"

Hesitating, Usagi almost said an old friend. Almost. She didn't quite know what to call Mamoru. A nuisance?

"Do you remember the man with Motoki the other day?"

"Him!" Minako gasped. "Usagi, he was handsome. And a military official too. That's amazing."

Usagi tried to smile and act cheerful. "Oh, isn't it though!"

Minako cocked her head to the side. She saw Usagi's excitement bubbling, she seemed thrilled to have the handsome stranger visiting. This wasn't good.

"Usagi, has anyone ever explained our most important rule to you?"

"Important rule? Oh, you mean about the kimonos?"

Minako shook her head. "I can't believe you don't know. Alright, listen to me Usagi. When I first began in the business, five years ago, there was a man who I adored. Like your friend, he was a military official. Older, very handsome, very rich. And sweet. I remember I used to pray for him to be at parties so that I could just see him or talk to him..."

Usagi smiled.

"...Well, eventually, I learned he felt the same for me too. We had a brief liaison for about a month. I would have done anything for him. I wanted him to marry me."

"Why didn't you?" Usagi asked.

"Well, first, because he didn't ask me. Usagi, to these men, we're not women to be loved. We serve a purpose. We are not wives. The second reason, and perhaps most important, was that Akiko discovered our relationship. She almost threw me out of the house. Usagi, when we give ourselves to a man, it is for money. This is our job. So, what happens when we do it for lust or love or whatever other reason? It's stealing. Akiko doesn't take too kindly to 'thieves.' My point is, Usagi, don't get too caught up in this man. The result can never turn out to your advantage."

Usagi swallowed. There was no chance of her getting involved with Mamoru. Why would Minako tell her this. "Don't worry, Minako. I won't. Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome. Have a good day, Usagi."

"You too," Usagi called as Minako swept past her. The smile on Usagi's lips died. She was glad that her friend had told her that vital piece of information. Not that she would need it with Mamoru, of course. She knew not to love him.

The rest of the day, Usagi spent in anticipation of three thirty. Finally, when it came, she dragged herself outside to await her visitor.


He knew she would think it odd for him to meet her in the afternoon. Which was precisely why Mamoru had scheduled their meeting for then. His mischievous side took immense pleasure in watching her squirm. Besides, nights were usually spent in some baron or another's mansion. As one of Japan's most promising military officers, he was expected to attend these functions. Make social connections, elevate his chances of moving upwards in the military. So, the afternoon it was. His motive for meeting her was, well, he didn't quite know. Since the previous night, he hadn't stopped thinking about her. What a pitiable wreck she had been. It was sad. Though he wanted to cast her out of his mind, he couldn't. . After all, she was an old family friend casting her life away.

He rounded the corner and stepped into the large gardens of Usagi's home. Because the day was overcast, no one was there except a lonely figure sitting on the bench. He recognized the person as Usagi. As if some natural instinct overtook him, he immediately felt intimidated. She did that to him. Granted, now he had a higher station than her, but still...Wanting to turn and run, Mamoru pushed back his shoulders and strode to meet her.

Usagi lifted her eyes slowly to him. She stood with the same deliberate timing. And she lifted up her chin and took a step to meet him. He stared down at her.

"Why are you doing this?" she whispered, her eyes pleading. "Please... please just leave me alone."

Raising an eyebrow, Mamoru replied "Usagi, I feel bad for you. I just want to talk with you, that's all. Maybe take a walk. Besides you're being paid, aren't you?"

Her look of torture turned to that of hatred. "Fine," she replied curtly. He extended his arm to her and she glared at it.

"I can walk by myself, thank you," she said coldly.

Lowering his arm, Mamoru shrugged and began walking away. "Are you coming?"

Usagi sighed and caught up to him.

"So how have you been since we last met."

She glared at him and said nothing. He asked her another question that she ignored. Then, Mamoru laughed.

"Okay, Usagi. I'll play your game. We won't talk, alright."

So they didn't. But Usagi found that very tedious and boring. Thinking about the man on her left made her angry and sorry at the same time. Angry because she was nothing now and he was something. Sorry, for the same reason. Also, annoyed. He was patronizing her.

Thunder boomed in the sky and Usagi jumped. She felt a pat of rain on her cheek.

"Perhaps we should seek refuge from the storm?" Mamoru said.

"Yes," Usagi replied.

They quickly found the shelter of a roof and stood watching the rain fall down in huge drops. It was a comforting noise, Usagi thought. Rhythmical and steady. She wished she were safe in her room. Not here in the cold with Mamoru.

"Usagi?" Mamoru asked suddenly. "The other night...why did you think I wanted to, uh, sleep with you?"

Usagi looked up to him. Shrugging, she replied "Revenge."

"Revenge?"

"Well, Mamoru, wouldn't that have been my ultimate humiliation? Allowing you to have your way with me. It would have been quite a payback for all those times I mistreated you."

"So you do realize that you were horrible to me?"

Usagi stared straight ahead at the rain. "I was horrible to a lot of people."

Usagi gazed down at her feet. When she looked back up, Mamoru noticed her eyes were glassy.

"I suppose this is my payback," she replied.

Mamoru looked away. The things Usagi did to survive...he became overwhelmed with nausea.

"Usagi," he whispered. "How...how can you so easily...give yourself to men? How can you live that kind of life?"

"People can get used to anything, Mamoru, even the life I live. Besides, it isn't as wretched as it seems. Sometimes, I'm happy."

Then, they remained quiet. The rain showed some signs of easing up. Closing her eyes, Usagi took in the rhythmic sound of rain against the stone roof.

"Mamoru," Usagi finally said, "I'm sorry about the way I acted towards you before."

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "I forgave you a long time ago, Usagi."

Nodding, Usagi again stared at her feet.

"And don't worry," Mamoru continued, "I'll keep visiting you."

Usagi smiled up at him. "That would be...nice. Thank you."


At first, Mamoru only came once a week. She would wait in the garden for him and when he came around the corner, her eyes sparkled and she smiled to see him. Any friendly person was welcome in Usagi's life. In her job, where friendships were ephemeral and clients even more so, a constant companion was a ray of sunshine.

The other girls, Usagi knew, were jealous. Every Tuesday they would tease her at breakfast. "Is my dream-man coming today?" or "When are you going to introduce me to your military friend?" Usagi would chuckle and gaze down mysteriously into her rice. Let them wonder, she thought. After, when Usagi would saunter back to her room, they gossiped.

"I heard he pays her even though they do nothing except walk around the city. Can you imagine?"

"He must be wealthy."

"And he's handsome too!"

"Usagi had better be careful with that one or else I might snatch him."

"You'll have to go through me first!"

"No, I heard from one of the lieutenant's girls that the man and she used to be childhood friends."

"Really? Then I have no chance!"

Soon, every Tuesday turned into every Tuesday and Thursday. Then Saturdays were added. And then, Usagi found that almost every day she and Mamoru went on strolls. At first, she had felt awkward. Most of the time, Usagi treated him like any normal client, discussing the weather, current events, teasing him sometimes. That was until he had called her bluff.

Mamoru had noticed it for the first few walks. Here she was, nonchalant and professional as ever, giggling at everything he said, making trite comments about this unusually rainy July, in general, being phony. Annoyed, Mamoru wanted better from her. He wasn't paying nearly a day's salary to discuss stupidity with an obviously bright woman.

"Usagi," he scolded one day, cutting her off mid-weather observation. "Don't treat me like one of them."

She raised her eyebrows and laughed. "Why, what do you mean, Mamoru?"

Stopping, he stared down at her. His eyes hard and disapproving. "You know what I mean."

Her gaze faltered under his. Looking away, Usagi smiled slightly. "I really don't..."

Mamoru locked his jaw. Noticing this, Usagi sighed.

"Alright then," she said.

After that, they had talked about everything besides the weather. Usagi wanted to know what it was like to hold a sword. One day, when no one was around, he let her hold his, sheathed of course. Her eyes had lit up and her smile rivaled the gleam of its blade. Mamoru asked Usagi about life as a shirabyooshi. Surprisingly, she answered frankly and calmly. She told him funny stories about parties and jokes between the other girls living with her. Mamoru was mildly shocked to discover that Usagi's life wasn't the hell he imagined. Some days, though, Usagi remained strangely quiet.

"What's wrong," he asked her.

She smiled and shook her head. Then, she would stare straight ahead. At first, Mamoru pressed her for information. She denied him any.

"Mamoru, please," she finally pleaded him. "Today, I don't want to talk about it. I had a rough night, so please, forget it."

She wrung her hands and looked down. And, then, he knew. On those days, he was disgusted. He wanted to yell at her and shake her, hoping that she would come to her senses. But what would his harsh judgment do? Probably make her feel worse. And she was his friend, not his daughter or wife. He had no power to dictate her life, no matter how much he disapproved. So Mamoru held back his bile and his words and walked silently on.

Circumstances changed one day, however, when Mamoru noticed Usagi detaching herself more than usual. She responded to him with a twenty second time-delay; her replies were unconvincing grunts. "There's something on your mind, Usagi," Mamoru said finally, annoyance in his voice.

Wait. Grunt.

"Usagi, answer me like a human, not a pig."

Wait. "Alright."

"Why are you so aloof today?"

Wait. "Aloof?"

Mamoru locked his jaw and attempted to control his raging temper. "Yes, aloof. As in ignoring me. What is wrong with you?"

Wait. "Mamoru...I could explain it to you...and you wouldn't understand."

That was it. Forget the calm exterior of a trained soldier. Mamoru felt anger boil out of him like lava from an exploding volcano. "Just say it, Usagi! It's killing you, this life you live. One man in, another man out. And it's probably the same with me, isn't it? You don't even-"

"Is that what this is about?"

"What? Is this about what?"

"You're afraid."

"Usagi, I'm not afraid. Why are turning this on me?"

Usagi paused and stared up at him. "Yes you are. You think I'm using you just like the other men. Mamoru, I may prostitute myself but I still have a conscience."

"Exactly! I know you have a conscience but it must not be a very good one since you can't seem to realize that what you're doing is horrible and disgusting and filthy and...and..."

The words faded on his lips and he couldn't even look at her. He was so angry at her. And yet, ashamed at himself for exploding and reprimanding her as if she were a child and not a woman. He was one of "them." One of those men. Not a customer, but a condemner. Ashamed at losing his mindfulness, he pursed his lips shut.

Unaffected by his words, Usagi smiled slightly. She found Mamoru's prudeness amusing. Here he was chastising her about her morals, yet hadn't he paid for services all the same? "I have a customer, tonight. An important one, a high paying one. I'm not supposed to say anything; it's part of the business. But there, since you're so concerned, I'm telling you."

"How much is he paying?"

"Mamoru, I can't tell you that."

"I'll double it," he declared, suddenly staring at her intently.

"What?! Mamoru, you said that you-"

"I'm not asking for *that,* Usagi. I don't want you in that way. Come with me tonight, to a party."

"A party?"

"Being given by Lord Ashikawa. I always go alone, but many people bring their wives. Come with me and I'll double whatever your customer is paying."

Usagi's jaw dropped open. "Mamoru, he's paying a lot..."

"That doesn't matter. I won't take no for an answer."

Her pride told her to protest. Usagi didn't need him to save her; she didn't need saving. This was her life. But...getting out of her duties, at least for the night, would be wonderful. And think of the pay!

"Well..." she relented. "You'll have to discuss the matter with Akiko."

"She won't say no," Mamoru said. "She knows I pay you, and her, well."

Shrugging, Usagi nodded and remained tranquil, on the outside. Inside, however, she felt like a lead weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Although she was practically a professional, Usagi could never accustom herself to those debaucherous nights. It bothered her that it bothered her. Afterwards, she scrubbed her skin clean with a torn rag. She doused herself in perfume. To make the dirt go away. Would it ever go away? Usagi felt more relief and gratitude towards Mamoru than he would ever know.

As expected, Akiko was overjoyed when Mamoru presented her with twice more money than she was expecting for the night. Winking at Usagi, she wished her a good time and bid her to go get ready. Usagi smiled weakly and sauntered back to her small room. She slid the door shut and stared at herself in the mirror.

Blinking slowly, Usagi looked at her reflection. Nothing had changed and everything had. Her eyes, her skin, her lips. They had developed into those of a woman. They were the eyes that had witnessed more lovers than most women have in their whole lives. The skin that had been caressed by a thousand clumsy hands. And the lips that, throughout it all, had never, ever been kissed. Not once. The one part of her body that had been wholly neglected by the countless number of men. Running her tongue over them, Usagi shook her head and reached for makeup. She needed to be beautiful tonight. She was going to a party.


The room erupted in laughter and Usagi smiled contentedly. They had loved her joke.

"My, my, Chiba," chuckled a drunk man from across the table, "Where did you find such a charming young lady?"

Mamoru laughed. "That's my secret, Irohashi. If I told you, you might steal her away from me."

Everyone laughed. Under the layer of light white makeup, Usagi blushed. No, Mamoru hadn't made any romantic implications when he had introduced her. "This is Tsukino Usagi," he had said. The people at the party had made their own assumptions. Strange, though, that Mamoru seemed to be encouraging those blind presumptions. The sly jokes, the way he beamed when anyone complimented Usagi, he never shirked away from any of it.

The people at the gathering liked Usagi. Immediately, they had accepted Mamoru's beautiful lady into their clan. Usagi figured that they all respected Mamoru so highly that anyone who was in his favor, was automatically in theirs. Either way, she was being deluged with gracious compliments, all of which she humbly denied were true.

When the party moved into the gardens to observe the bright harvest moon, Mamoru walked next to Usagi's side.

"Everyone likes you," he told her. "I've been hearing wonderful things the entire evening."

"Yes, no one can stop talking about 'Chiba's beautiful lady,'" Usagi replied.

"You're annoyed?"

Usagi sighed and glanced up at Mamoru. Annoyed wasn't the word. Suspicious, possibly.

"No. No, I'm not," Usagi assured him.

Just then, a middle aged man and woman sauntered up next to them. "Excuse me," the gentlemen said towards Usagi, "Miss Tsukino, we were wondering...you aren't the daughter of Tsukino Kenji, are you?"

Throat tightening, Usagi smiled forcefully. She tittered nervously and said "No, we are no relation. Being his daughter is an honor that I do not have."

The couple nodded their heads. "We see," said the man. "I suppose, you haven't heard then, the condition of the Tsukino family. It is no longer and honor to be their daughter, we hear."

Usagi remained silent. She set her jaw in her mouth. Glancing down, Mamoru saw the static anger and hurt building up in her.

"Yes," the woman continued, "I've heard recently that the eldest daughter, who was supposed to marry the son of Ishimaru, has disappeared. The Tsukino's would look for her, but they're so poor now that they can barely afford to feed themselves. It's a shame; the girl is probably nothing more than street trash now. That's if she's not dead."

Usagi's lip visibly quivered. It took her a few moments to collect her voice.

"Really?" she squeaked. "I hadn't heard that...how terrible...will you please excuse me for a second?"

Bowing towards them, Usagi strode away from Mamoru and the couple. Tears spilled over her cheeks, down to the corner of her lips. She tasted salt mingled with chalky makeup. *Street trash.* That was all she was. And her family, the people she had forgotten about, they were probably starving now. Poor farmers, breaking their backs and blistering their hands in the soil. Lifting the hem of her kimono, Usagi began running. She had no idea where she was going. It was dark and her eyes were blinded with tears. She could barely see a few feet in front of her. When her foot caught on a root and she felt herself crashing to the hard earth, she didn't care. The wind was knocked out of her stomach and, gasping for air, she buried her face in the dirt and cried.

"Usagi?" she heard someone call in the distance. "Usagi?"

She knew it was Mamoru. After all, he was the only one at the party who cared enough to come find her. Probably the only one in the world who considered her more than filth. Her whole life she had been trash. Discarded by her father first and now discarded by the world.

"Usagi," he said approaching her. "Get up. Your kimono will be ruined."

Clenching tufts of grass in her fists, Usagi did not lift her head from the earth. She sniffled and panted for oxygen. Mamoru knelt down in front of her, his knees in her face.

"Get up, Usagi," he said sternly.

"No!" she exclaimed. "I won't...I...I can't."

She started crying again. Before she had time to indulge herself, Mamoru grasped her chin and lifted her face. He stared down at her, eyebrows furrowed, mouth tilting downwards in a frown.

"Get up, Usagi," he whispered, "Please."

She only sniffled.

"A long time ago, you would have proudly asserted that you were the daughter of Tsukino Kenji and you would have defended that honor."

Usagi frowned, her face still captive in Mamoru's hand. "They said it, Mamoru. Being the daughter of a Tsukino is no longer an honor. It's a stigma."

Releasing her chin, he shook his head. His voice softened. "Usagi...get up. Please."

She looked up into his face, mostly darkened by the night. He offered her his hand. Gazing at it, she allowed him to help her up. Once standing, Usagi looked down at the ground.

"Thank you," she murmured.

She brushed the dirt and grass off of her kimono.

"Here, you have a little dirt on your face," he said, lifting his hand to brush it away.

His fingers brushed her cheek, wiping away a smudge of dirt. Suddenly, Usagi felt her heart skip a beat. She looked up into Mamoru's face, searching for recognition of feeling. In the darkness, she couldn't find it. A lonely cricket called out. The night air rushed past her body. It was beautiful evening. It made Usagi think of a night very much like this one, a long time ago...

..."Look, look! There are cherry blossoms everywhere!" her brother cried, sprinting through the garden, around the legs of the adults.

"Usagi!" her mother called.

From her place by the small pond in the garden, Usagi was constructing leaf-boats and sailing them in the shallow water with Makoto. There were so many people at the Cherry-blossom watching party that it made her reclusive and grouchy. When her mother called her, Usagi reluctantly stood from her crouched position by the pond and made her way over to her.

"Usagi," her mother scolded, "Your little brother is running amuck in the party. Try to be a good older sister and watch him like I asked you to."

Usagi frowned and her voice raised to a whine. "Mother, aren't there servants-"

"Usagi! There are servants but they're helping out with the party. When I say that you are to watch your brother I do not want protest. Now go! I don't want to hear any more from you."

Shutting her mouth, she frowned and ran off to find her brother. It was just like her mother to make Usagi stop whatever she was doing and care for him. Her spoiled, rude, ungrateful brother. Because of the hordes of people, it was not an easy task finding him. Occasionally, a guest would stop her and comment on her beautiful kimono, remark how mature she had become, or congratulate her on her recent betrothal to the Yamato family. Usagi, frankly, was disgusted with it. With the party, with her brother, with the guests.

Finally, she heard a shriek she recognized as her brother's. Following the voice, she pushed her way through a groups of laughing ladies, thanking them as they bowed to her.

"Shingo!" Usagi cried. "Shingo, come here! Mother says I have to take care of you!"

She spotted her brother at the edge of a grove of trees, laughing hysterically.

"Usagi can't catch me! Usagi can't catch me!"

"Shingo, I won't chase after you! Get over here!"

"If you don't catch me, you'll be in trouble!" Shingo sung and stuck his tongue out at her. Then, he turned his back and galloped off into the trees.

"Shingo!" Usagi groaned in frustration and then strode into the grove. "Shingo! Get over here!"

"Catch me if you can, stupid sister!"

She heard him start running, twigs snapping under his feet. In an attempt to catch him, Usagi lifted up the hem of her kimono and pursued him. Brambles whipped at her face and she cursed a few times. "Shingo!"

Her brother laughed. Her feet hurt in her shoes, her kimono kept catching on things, and she didn't want to run anymore. Usagi slowed, panting. Suddenly, she heard Shingo shriek again and laugh. Usagi heard another laugh, deeper, obviously from an older male. Again, she ran to the voices.

"Mamoru! Let me go! Let me go!" Shingo cried, laughing, while Mamoru had him in a huge bear hug.

Laughing along with him, Mamoru caught her brother and began walking over to where Usagi was. Usagi, for her part, glared. At Shingo, but also at the obnoxious Mamoru who tried too hard to prove himself. He walked over to Usagi, Shingo in his arms, and she took a few steps to meet him.

"Looking for him?" Mamoru asked, smiling.

Usagi nodded, lifting her chin in the air. Gripping her brother's arm tightly, Usagi took him from Mamoru and began dragging him back. She didn't thank him at all.

"Ow, stupid Usagi! You're hurting me. Let me go. I wanna play with Mamoru!"

"Be quiet, Shingo. I'm going to tell Mother how I had to chase you through the woods. Then you'll get it."

Shingo looked up to Usagi and furrowed his eyebrows. "You're mean!"

"You're a brat."

Suddenly, Shingo ripped his arm from Usagi's hand. The sheer force of it caused Usagi to stagger forwards. Her feet caught in her kimono and before she knew it, she was tumbling down onto the upturned roots of a tree. One of the roots bashed square against her kneecap. Shingo laughed and ran off. Dazed, Usagi watched him run off. She attempted to lift herself off the ground, but a shooting pain ripped through her knee. Crying out, she sunk back to the ground. Usagi soon heard footsteps behind and she knew very well who they belonged to.

Mamoru knelt down next to her. "Can you stand?"

Proudly, Usagi set her jaw and rolled her eyes. "I didn't say you could talk to me."

He remained looking at her and then stood. "Then I'll leave."

Gazing at him walking away, Usagi suddenly become filled with panic. Nobody would find her here. She could starve. Or worse, wild animals could eat her! Her knee throbbed.

"Wait! Please, Mamoru."

Pausing, he turned around slowly. Mamoru stood amongst the trees, waiting. Hands trembling, Usagi pleaded with him silently: don't leave me here. As if he could sense her desperation, he made his way back and crouched next to her. The darkness of the grove concealed his face. He remained staring at her and then offered out his hand. Usagi took it and hoisted herself up. The pain in her knee pulsated and she gasped.

"Are you alright?"

"I don't...no, I'm not sure. My knee really hurts."

As if she were a discarded branch and he a strong gust of wind, Mamoru lifted her easily in his arms. Usagi was surprised at the ease with which he carried her through the thick trees in the darkness.

Suddenly, Mamoru said "Congratulations on your engagement."

Usagi's knee throbbed and she winced. "Thank you."

"To Ishikawa, right?"

"Yes."

"You sound very happy," Mamoru chided.

Usagi remained silent. She refused to justify herself to this...this peon. It was horrible enough that she was allowing him to touch her. They continued in silence. Finally, when they reappeared in the garden, a few ladies ran to them.

"Usagi! Mamoru! What happened? Usagi, your mother has been wondering where you were. Your dress! Are you alright?"

Mamoru set her down and Usagi nearly crumpled to the floor. She cried out in pain. Mamoru grabbed her waist before she could fall.

"She had a little accident."

"Oh, Usagi! You need to see a doctor right away!" cried someone.

Hiding her face, Usagi let Mamoru help her walk. This was too embarrassing...all these people staring at the two of them. Making hasty judgments. Assuming unwanted things. She hated Mamoru even more. It revolted her that he was touching her, this disgusting, lowly boy. Finally, when she reached her house and a servant ran to her, Usagi fell into the servants arms. She had tears in her eyes.

"Oh, Mistress Usagi! What happened? What hurts?" the servant cried.

"Everything-" Usagi began to say.

"She fell," Mamoru stated.

Frowning, the servant nodded to Mamoru. "Thank you."

Not looking to the servant, Mamoru could only stare at Usagi, bent and humbled. Yet still ever regal. Ever cold. She turned her head and glared at him form the corner of her eyes.

"Take me inside," she ordered.

The servant nodded and supporting her, helped Usagi inside. She hadn't said a word to Mamoru.

..."Let's go," he said, placing his hand on her back, steering her away from the night.

"Mamoru? I don't want to go back to the party."

"No," he said, "I don't either. I'm taking you home."

Tramping through the grass, Usagi heard the soft crunching under her shoes.

"Mamoru?"

"Yes?"

"Do you remember that cherry-blossom viewing party four years ago, I believe?"

Mamoru didn't answer immediately. "I've never forgotten it."

Stunned, Usagi replied shakily. "Why?"

"Because it was the last time I saw you until now. Because you treated me so rottenly even after I helped you. Because it was everything I detested in you. And also..."

"And also?"

"And also because it proved that you could do anything to me...and...I wouldn't have cared."

Usagi heard nothing but the wind's hush through the trees and the beating of her pulse.

"Usagi?"

She dug for her voice. "Y..yes?"

"Why did you hate me so much?"

Pausing, Usagi clenched her hands together. She breathed deeply. "Mamoru...I couldn't tell you exactly. I don't know..."

Mamoru nodded and then said nothing more. They walked in silence out of the large house, down the streets of Edo. Usagi's thoughts were steeped in the past. She remembered how she had treated him. Like she had never treated anyone. Cruelly, uncompassionatly, savagely. Usagi felt ashamed. What had made her loathe him? Why? Her thoughts were so bogged down by the mystery that she didn't even realize that they had rounded the corner to her street.

"Usagi?"

"Hm?"

"You've been rather quiet. Is something on your mind?"

She didn't want to tell him that it was he who caused her to lose herself in her thoughts. So, she shook her head and looked up to him. Usagi's heart skipped when she saw the look in his eyes. A look she couldn't quite pin down to one emotion. His eyes were gentle and worried and shining. Mamoru smiled at her.

"Well, goodnight then," he said.

Usagi nodded. She raised the corners of her lips. She wished that he didn't have to go. Strangely, an urgent loneliness spilled into every crevice of her body. She didn't want him to turn back down that darkened street and leave her in this life. He was what connected to her past, her happiness. There was nothing for her here. The half-smile on her lips melted to a frown. Seeing this, Mamoru's heart nearly melted with it. Usagi. That cold, distant thing who had hated him. But, she had only been a girl then, just as she still was a girl now, shirabyooshi or not. She was scared and lonely. Maybe she had always been.

Mamoru reached for her face and held her cheeks in his palms. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

Usagi's eyes popped wide open as his lips touched the skin just under her hairline. He pulled away slowly and lifted her face again. And stared straight into her eyes.

"Somewhere in there," he murmured, "In that cocoon of yours, sleeps a woman with a heart big enough to embrace the world. Wake her up, Usagi."

Her mouth and throat were dry and her breaths came in sporadic gasps.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

And then, he was gone. Usagi stood in the street outside of her house, her brain reeling. Her heart beating. She touched the place on her face where his hands had been. And then lowered them to her neck. Sighing, Usagi wondered if perhaps he wasn't the man she thought him to be. Perhaps. She turned and trekked back into her house. She was tired. She wanted to sleep.

 

- - -

 

Look for Chapter 3...coming sometime in June (hopefully).

Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeushi, Bandai, Kondansha, Toei, DIC, etc. This fanfic belongs to me. E-mail me if you would like to use anywhere.

If you would like to be included on my ML, please e-mail me.