Still Waters Six:
Filling the Void
By
Denise

Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

I watch my friends sleep and I take a moment to curse the unfairness of the universe. I remember five years ago when I first set my eyes on these humans. Even confined in a cell, stripped of all their weapons, they remained defiant. They stood proudly among the frightened slaves, no less scared but able to hide it.

Throughout the years we have encountered many obstacles, some of our own design, others thrust upon us. And we have prevailed. We have surmounted those obstacles and emerged, sometimes battered but victorious and alive.

But not this time. This time fate has decided to deal us a most serious blow, one I hope we can recover from.

I remember my first days at the SGC. Once the initial wariness wore off, I remember the enthusiasm of my two youngest teammates. The excitement in their eyes when they had me discharge my staff weapon at the crystal entity. I had my doubts that my act was appropriate yet I found myself unable to refuse their request. I was swept up in their excitement like a leaf in a flood.

So many times though the years I have followed my friends, watching over them as they explored the universe, and themselves.

Through their eyes I saw the galaxy from a fresh perspective. Humans were not potential slaves and hosts but prospective allies. The Tok'ra are not annoying vermin, but valiant freedom fighters. Or at least annoying vermin that do not wish to dominate the universe like their brethren.

I have learned that the Asgard are noble and ballsy, as O'Neill would say. Using not much more than reputation and bravado to control the goa'uld.

When I joined SG-1 I allowed myself to feel that enthusiasm, that joy, once again. The same joy I felt when I traveled through the Stargate for the first time, clinging tightly to my father's hand.

I watched Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter and even O'Neill explore the universe and I found myself swept along with them. Some may say O'Neill does not possess enthusiasm or joy, but I have seen beneath the mask he projects. I have witnessed the sparkle in his eyes, the bounce in his step when we are seeing something for the first time. He too shares the wonderment of exploration, however he is better at disguising it behind a façade of indifference.

I do not know when that joy began to fade. It diminished so slowly that a set time of beginning is hard to determine. Maybe it was the first time Daniel Jackson died. Or perhaps it was when he realized that not only was Samantha Carter possessed by a goa'uld but when he knew that if he had listened to Jolinar's warning about the Ash'rak, his friend would have been spared the torture of the hara'kash. Maybe it was when he had to leave Daniel Jackson behind to die alone on Apophis' ship or maybe it was when he could do nothing but lie helplessly as Hathor's goa'uld burrowed into his skin, scarring him forever not only physically but mentally. Or maybe it was the futility of having to kill Apophis again and again.

I do not know for certain. I do know that it has been a long, long time since I have seen joy in their eyes. It has been a long time since I have witnessed laughter and fun.

It has been too long.

I have watched them drift closer together, then further apart. It is as if they are involved in some elaborate dance. As if each is on a path, paths that often run close together, but never cross. I can see that Daniel Jackson's ascension has placed a huge obstacle on their paths. One that threatens to knock them off course.

Major Carter is feeling Daniel Jackson's loss most keenly. Throughout the last year, fate has not been kind to her and she has had many losses. Martouf, Narim, Orlin, Joseph Faxon. And each time she has quietly drawn strength from her friends to overcome the pain.

But this time, it is one of her friends that she has lost, one of those sources of strength.
And another source of strength is not available to her. O'Neill, while being most willing to give his life so save his friends, hides his hurt and pain away like a miser hides his last penny.

He sees that Major Carter is hurting, yet he ignores it because to deal with her pain means that he will have to admit his own.

I see the beginnings of anger develop between them. Anger made more powerful by resentment.

My two remaining teammates are more similar than they like to admit. Both of them hide their pain and needs, presenting a calm mask to the rest of the world.

Daniel Jackson was most skilled at getting beneath the surface and reconciling the differences between them. It is a skill I lack.

Jaffa warriors are taught how to kill and how to survive to serve their god. Dealing with feelings is not something I am well versed at. However I believe I should learn.

Perhaps I can best honor Daniel Jackson's memory by ascertaining that his legacy does not fade away. That his friends remain friends. Perhaps I can fill some of the void left by his absence. And maybe, just maybe one day, they will find their joy again.

~Fin~

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