remembering

Remembering
By
Denise

Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

Jack climbed the last bit of the hill and crested the summit with a sigh. Damn he was getting too old for this. He sat down on a large rock setting the box he carried on the ground by his feet.

It was a beautiful day. Not too warm, not too cold. One of those ten perfect days a year when jeans and a T-shirt are ample clothing, the breeze cool and the sun warm.

With another sigh he opened his eyes and picked up the box. He'd put this off too long already. It was plain black plastic adorned with only a simple white typed label. He held it in his hands, studying it with intensity that would rival Daniel's study of an artifact.

He remembered when the coroner had asked him about an urn. Caught him totally by surprise. The last thing he expected was to get the ashes. He hadn't even realized Charlie was alone in the world. Stupefied he had started at the thin pamphlet, looking at the fancy little jars. That was one thing that hadn't changed with time, folks still put ashes into jars. He remembered the funny look on the man's face when he said no. How the man said the USAF was paying for it. Jack's harsh denial that it wasn't money rather practicality. Charlie wasn't going to sit on a mantel, his dust gathering more dust. They'd actually talked about it once in one of their more morbid moments. One of those nights when a bad mission and too much beer made a man melancholy. Few people knew that fearless, irreverent Major Charles Kawalsky was a bug-a-phobic. The thought of mouldering in a box was disgusting to him.

A few days after the funeral he'd received the box via a messenger and promptly stuck it in a drawer; maybe thinking if he ignored it it would just go away. Be a little less real.

But it hadn't gone away. It'd stayed there like a WWII landmine, just waiting to ambush him. He'd found it last week while in a bit of downtime induced boredom inspired spring-cleaning.

Jack popped the box open and pulled out the plastic bag. It was weird. A 200-pound man could be reduced to a pound of grayish-white ash. His face, past, all his jokes, hell his whole life reduced to sterile ashes so bacteria free that they wouldn't even rot.

He undid the twist tie and forced himself to grasp a handful of the coarse powder.

"You weren't the first Charlie," he said to it. "And I can't even say you were the last. We've…lost a lot in the past four years.

But we've gained too. Made some friends, saved some lives… And made some enemies. Big surprise there huh?

You do know you're not totally dead don't you? All those alternate universes you keep popping up in. Hell every time I see a mirror I half expect to see you pop through it ready to give me grief about something.

I haven't lost any more you'll be happy to hear. Though Carter, Daniel and Teal'c try every so often, they're still here. SG-1 is still intact.

That's where I'm going now. Gonna be a barbecue at my place. Whole gang's coming over, even Ferretti. Him, me and Daniel are the last three. We're still fighting that war we started back on Abydos. We'll carry on where you left off. You just…have a good after life huh? And save a seat for me would ya? Already been to hell so think I'll try your neighborhood next time."

Jack opened his hands and let the wind carry away the ashes. He then upended the bag and watched the rest float away on the breeze.

With a sigh he stuck bag back into the box, brushed his hands off on his jeans and got to his feet. "See ya later Charlie," he said as he headed back down the mountain.

Daniel slipped into the chapel, relieved to find it empty. Good. He didn't want an audience. Nor did he want to come back later. He'd put this off too long already.

There among all the markers on the wall was hers. The only sign on this planet that she had even existed short of a classified dossier buried in the guts of a computer. He held out his hand and traced the shape with his fingers. The little resin Stargate stood out from the rest, a gold painted symbol of Abydos telling all that this wasn't in memory of a fallen soldier, but a victim. And his very reason for being here.

"I found him. I found your son," he said softly. "His name is Shifu and…you were right. He is special. That's why I had to let him go. Because if I had kept him here I would have destroyed him. He is in good hands though. Oma will protect him far better than I could have." He paused remembering the sight of Shifu leaving. The astonished look on Hammond's face. He smiled, wondering just how the man had explained a large glowing alien floating through the halls. It was a sure bet he'd be a little less skeptical the next time he accused them of being under the 'local voodoo'. "Though something tells me he'll be back some day. When the time is right. I…Maybe I'm being silly but I think there are powerful forces at work with him. Things I can't even begin to comprehend. That meaning of life stuff Jack talks about."

He raised the bowl he'd brought with him. "We drank from this on our wedding day. It was so…special. You were so beautiful, your hair shining, your mother's dress so pretty. So trusting and brave to seal yourself to me. I'd never met anyone like you before. You were a new beginning for me. The first person in years who hadn't tolerated me because they had to or were getting paid to.

I was starting over, for the last time I thought. New planet, new life. A wife, a chance to have a family. Something I'd always dreamed of. You gave me all that. I found myself that year. And I can tell you the man that went to Abydos isn't the same one that came back. And I have you to thank for that.

Five years ago we promised to love each other forever. And we did. But now you're gone and I'm here. You're at peace and I'm letting you stay there.

Shau'ri, you will always have a piece of my heart but…I'm still living. And I'm going to live. You taught me how to love again. You gave me that gift and I'm not going to deny it. I'm going to live and maybe love and one day, if we meet again, I hope you'll understand."

Teal'c sat cross-legged in his darkened room, the familiar scent of his candles calming him. He lit a stick of incense and closed his eyes. He felt the barriers he buried his memories behind crumble and fall like a puppet with its strings cut.

Against the black screen of his eyelids images began to play. Places and people. Planets and villages he'd razed all in the name of a false god. As he remembered the faces of his victims, heard their cries of pain or pleas for mercy, he felt his heart grow heavy. So many. He'd wronged so many in his life.

The woman who'd begged him to spare her newborn child. The father who had lain over his children, striving to shield them even in death. Shau'ri's agonized scream as Amaunet tore into her flesh. Her sobs as the Goa'uld invaded every corner of her mind, making her as naked and vulnerable on the inside as she was on the outside. The sticky puddles of blood, the sickening smell of burnt flesh. Wounded innocents begging for water or coup de grace.

With every image he felt a tiny piece of his soul torn away laying bare the monster he buried inside.

As the faces of his last victims faded, new images came forth. The Nox child, the marooned Tollans, Hanno forgiving him, Daniel Jackson destroying the hammer so he could live, Cassandra, Thor, the death of Seth, Heru'ur and Cronos. The hope that with every system lord killed, innocent lives may be saved.

With each image his heart lightened a bit. Each act of atonement, so small in itself building up like drops of cleansing rain, washing away some of the heavy blackness from his soul. Pushing the monster deeper and deeper inside, to a place it couldn't escape from again.

Major Samantha Carter slowly walked across the newly mown grass. She glanced at the other tombstones; many of them gaily decorated in an almost perverse denial of the death and sadness they represented.

She made her way unerringly to her destination, marveling slightly at remembering where it was at all. It had been years since she'd been here last.

She knelt by the white marble headstone and brushed away a few fallen leaves. "Hi mom. It's aah...it's been a while. I should have come earlier but…Dad's fine. In fact if you could see him now I don't think you'd recognize him. I k now you wouldn't like what he's doing but…he's happier than he's been in years. Selmac has mellowed him out…A lot. Him and Mark are even talking again if you can believe that. Did you know you're a grandma? I don't know if Mark ever told you but he has a little boy and a girl. Dad says she looks just like you.

I followed dad's footsteps, joined the Air Force. I know you never wanted that but…I did. And I love it…most of the time.

I wish I could share with you all I've seen…well most of what I've seen in the past few years. Remember how I used to watch TV and dream of other planets? They're there. And you know what? Those guys had the right idea. Some of the places I've been look exactly like they did on the old TV shows. Funny isn't it?
We're all doing Ok mom. We still miss you but…we're ok."

She traced the engraved letters with her fingers, the cool marble rough against her fingertips. Her dad's side of the joint headstone was blank. She'd have to remember that. Some day he'd have to 'die'. But not yet, not now.

She got up. "Ooh almost forgot." She drew out a baggie out of her jacket pocket and pulled out a cookie. "You never did get to try these. I made them this morning, just like you taught me to. Almost didn't remember how." She laid the cookie on top of the headstone, giving it one last glance before she turned and walked away.

Jack stuffed the empty box into a waiting trashcan and glanced at his watch. He was late. The guys were probably sitting on his deck wondering where he was, that is if Carter hadn't picked the lock and let them in.

"What am I doing here? I thought…I know you went home last night. I thought we had a talk about spending downtime on the base," Jack accused.

"Are you not on downtime as well O'Neill? And you are here," Teal'c said astutely.

The trio looked at each other, each knowing there was something private they'd each had to do. And each respecting the others' privacy.

"What are you guys doing here? I though we were supposed to be meeting at the colonel's house like…now," Sam said, walking towards them pushing her sunglasses up on her head.

"Carter. Running a little late aren't you?" Jack asked, not answering her question.

"I had something to do. And anyway I told Teal'c I'd pick him up. I need his muscles to help me with the coolers." The Jaffa nodded confirming her story. "Sir. If you haven't even got the grill started yet we're going to be eating dinner not lunch."

"It's a gas grill. You did remember dessert right?" he asked eagerly, internally grateful that he had bought the gas grill last year after an embarrassing fiasco with wet charcoal that had resulted in their annual Memorial Day cookout consisting of frozen pizzas.

The quartet started walking towards their cars planning as they walked who would bring what. They knew the afternoon would consist of fun, food and friends.

Each knowing that sometimes the best way to remember the dead is to celebrate the living.