Note- Around November 1999, caught in the seemingly never ending stream of re-runs on cable, I stumbled across Heliopolis and all the wonderful fic archived there. Now my lunch hours were spent trawling the archive, reading pretty much anything and everything. A little while later, having pretty much exhausted the archive I got the idea ‘hey, I can do that’…and there was no turning back.

Two years later I’ve made friends on nearly every continent, expanded my horizons beyond my little world of Kansas, ran away to Canada for a week and had a total blast.

When I realized that I was nearing the century mark on my fic I wondered what to do. I wanted to do something but didn’t know if I should come up with an epic or what. Then a friend of mine made a comment that launched a plot bunny…100 episodes, 100 fic…and I just had to do it.

My never ending thanks to Lems, Sue, Pho, Apocrypha, Sam, Jmas, Jb, Carrie, Trish, Kit, Adi, Kat, Terec, Darren, Bev, Yama, Alli, Sharon, Lyn, Sazz, Lin, Jessa, Gemmy, Msgudbod, Tatter, Dawn, Lorien, AQ, Poss, Brionhet, Gene, Marla, Corine, Rowan, Lisa, Debbie, Petty, Becky, Mumsy, Jade…and lots more that I just can’t remember. You guys have fed my muse with your friendship, kinship and feedback and for that I thank you.

Also big thanks to Darren and his ‘Worm Guide’. That is where I got all the episode titles for the first season of Wormhole Extreme.

So...without further adieu, Wormies Watch Out!!!

Wormies Watch Out!!!
By
Denise

Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

"NO!" Jack’s outraged and indignant voice echoed through the complex.

"Colonel O’Neill…" General Hammond said reasonably.

"With all due respect General, No. No way. I’m not doing this. I’d rather French Kiss Anise."

"Sam could call her dad. I’m sure it could be arranged," Daniel Jackson said helpfully.

Jack spun and pointed a finger at his teammate. "You can be replaced," he threatened.

"Colonel, it doesn’t sound that bad," Sam Carter said, fighting to keep the grin off her face. This was just too good to be true.

"Fine Carter. You go. I’ll stay here and do some paperwork or something."

"Nice try Colonel. Futile but nice. These orders come from the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Myers himself. You leave at 0700 tomorrow morning. Colonel O’Neill is of course traveling as himself. Major Carter, you, Doctor Jackson and Murray Anderson," he said looking pointedly at Teal’c, "Will all be attending as guests," he briefed them, handing each a folder of papers. "You will note Colonel that your leave is for four days and you are only committed for one of them. Vancouver is lovely city. I’m sure you will enjoy yourselves," he said, his tone telling them the discussion was over. He exited the room, leaving the puzzled quartet behind.

They opened their folders and started to read the material within, with the exception of Jack who’d tossed his folder aside and was staring intently through the briefing room window at the stargate below.

"Welcome to Worm Con 2001," Daniel read. "A convention by the fans for the fans."

"Worm Con?"

"It’s a gathering of fans of the show Wormhole Extreme. They’re called ‘Wormies’," Sam explained gaining her curious looks from her companions, which she ignored.

"Wormies? What the hell kind of a name is wormies?" Jack asked skeptically.

Sam shrugged. "What kind of a name is Trekkers?"

"Jack, this doesn’t look too bad. It’s a nice hotel. You go in, talk for an hour or so then we have the rest of a long weekend," Daniel said rationally.

"You think it’s so great you do it," Jack said, pushing his folder across the table at the man.

Daniel held up his hands and moved back. "No. No. No. I’m not the military adviser for the show. Civilian remember?" He grinned.

"Colonel, it’ll be just like lecturing at the academy," Sam said reasonable.

"Indeed O’Neill. It will be a chance to share your wisdom with others, a most prodigious opportunity."

<><><><><>

Jack stood backstage and peeked around the edge of the plastic stargate. The meeting room was full of people. For cryin out loud, where the hell did they all come from? The show was on cable for Pete’s sake, no one was supposed to be watching it.

‘The show’s military advisor, Colonel Jack O’Neill.’

How the hell had he gotten roped into doing this anyway? He couldn’t remember doing anything to piss Hammond off. Maybe his team had done something? Carter…nah, not likely. Teal’c neither. That left Daniel. It had to be Daniel’s fault.

‘Maybe he’s a little shy. Come on folks, give a nice Vancouver welcome to Colonel O’Neill.’

"Aah Colonel…you’re on," a young black clad stagehand prompted.

With a roll of his eyes Jack pasted a grin on his face and stepped out of the concealing shadows and into the spot light.

<><><><><>

Fifteen Minutes Later

"Oh he is crashing and burning," Sam whispered to Daniel as they sat in the back of the conference room.

"I know. Isn’t it great?" The archaeologist said gloatingly, remembering more than once when Jack had belittled teaching. ‘How hard can it be to get up in front of a buncha kids and talk?’ Hah. Daniel leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, preparing to enjoy the show.

"Daniel, do something." Sam jabbed her friend in the ribs.

"Do what?"

"I don’t know. Ask a question."

"I don’t want to ask a question. You ask a question."

"He’ll recognize my voice."

"Like he won’t mine?"

"You speak 23 languages, use one of them."

"Oh yeah. There are days when he barely understands English. What do you want me to do, yell ‘Kree’?"

"No," Sam laughed. "But look at him." She motioned towards the front of the room where their fearless leader was seated upon a stool on the stage, starting to fiddle with the wireless microphone in his hand.

"I know." Daniel grinned. "Do you think they’ll have videos for sale?" He motioned towards the cameras set up at the sides and back of the room. "This should really be preserved and shared. I know a few Marines that will pay plenty to see this."

"Does anyone have a question?" They heard Jack ask plaintatively.

Daniel caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. "What are you doing?" he asked

Sam as a young woman handed her a microphone.

She responded with an evil grin. "Colonel. Do you ever…in the episode ‘Emasculation’ Colonel Danning is captured by this amorous princess with …libidinous thoughts. Not to mention in ‘Short Fuse’ when he gets very friendly with an alien woman. What exactly is the Air Force policy on fornicating with aliens?" Sam handed the microphone back to the technician.

"Oh you are evil," Daniel said, wishing he’d thought of it.

Sam merely grinned and watched her CO fluster a bit, the flushing of his face visible even from their seats at the back of the room. "Aah well…you know…I’m sure the Air Force would have a policy on fornicating with aliens, if aliens were real," Jack said smugly.

"That was too easy." Daniel raised his hand. The woman brought him the microphone. "On the show Doctor Levant is a civilian. Is it really fair to expect him to adhere to the exact same annoying rules as the military people?"

"Well yeah of course he’s…"

"But what if he only has to follow them sometimes, like when it suits Danning. In one of the episodes he was encouraged to break rules that would get the military people, I don’t know, like shot. But then other times he’s expected to play by those same rules. It’s like he only has to follow the regulations when it suits Danning." Daniel sat back down.

"Oh well yeah, there’s times when you have to be flexible and accommodate others."

"Score," Sam said, drawing an imaginary line in the air. "That’s Team 2, Colonel 0." She raised her hand and again got the microphone. "Isn’t it true that if Danning was ogling Major Monroe like he does in real life that the major would likely deck him?"

She saw Jack frown then a knowing look crossed his craggy face. "I suppose it’s possible the major could TRY to deck him. But considering that he not only out ranks her but has also covered her six on occasion I think she’ll be fairly tolerant."

"Busted," Daniel crowed softly gaining him a slap on the arm.

"Bite me," Sam muttered crossing her arms petulantly.

"O’Neill. If Grell is given a shiny new sports utility vehicle in ‘The Bronco Divide’, why would not others not be shown the same courtesy?"

"That sounds like Teal’c," Sam said, craning her neck to see the Jaffa retaking his seat, the hat pulled low over his forehead. "I thought he stayed in the room."

"He sounds grumpy. Must have just discovered that the Richmond Inn doesn’t have magic fingers."

"Magic fingers?" Sam asked.

"Didn’t he tell you? He went through like five rolls of quarters last time."

"An SUV? They bought T…Grell an SUV. For cryin out loud."

"What I want to know is on the show Danning gifts the doctor frequently with flowers and such in gratitude for saving his life so many times. Is that common practice in the Air Force?"

"Janet?" Sam turned to see the petite doctor taking her seat beside Teal'c. "I didn’t know she was here."

"He gives her flowers?" Jack asked.

"Yeah a dozen roses," Janet answered.

"A week," Sam yelled.

Daniel sniggered. "He’s gonna blow," he said, thoroughly enjoying the annoyed look on Jack’s face. Maybe he’d order two copies of the video.

"Ok you guys…." Jack got to his feet.

"And that’s all the time we have for Colonel O’Neill," the emcee said adroitly, stepping onto the stage. "Everyone please thank the colonel for coming all the way from…the states, to tell us all about his part as military advisor for Wormhole Extreme."

"Uh oh Sam, I think we should…" Daniel started then turned to see the empty chair beside him and the door to the room swinging closed. "Run," he finished as Jack stepped off the stage and stalked down the aisle intent upon getting his hands on the hecklers. Stepping over two bemused fans, Daniel hurried from the room.

<><><><><>

"I can not take you people anywhere," Jack stated, taking a seat at the booth in the Thirsty Turtle.

"Excuse me? I seem to recall someone saying ‘If I have to do then I’m not doing it alone,’" Daniel reminded sipping his Irish coffee.

"Come yes, heckle no." Jack waved at the waitress. "Draft please."

"Can I get another rum and coke?" Sam ordered, holding up her empty glass.

"Yeah me too," Janet chimed in.

"Anyone else?" the waitress asked, popping her gum.

"I shall have another," Teal’c said while Daniel shook his head.

"So?" Jack asked once she’d left. "What are the plans for the evening?" He fiddled with his tie, loosening it a bit.

"I don’t know about you guys but I’m starving. Anyone know of any good restaurants?" Daniel asked.

"The lady at registration said there were a half-dozen or so within walking distance, and there’s always the food court at the mall," Sam suggested.

"Food court at the mall? Yum," Jack derided. "How about I go change and we can chase down one of these restaurants?" Their drinks arrived and there was a flurry of digging for money and the clank of coins.

Forty-five minutes later Sam and Janet were waiting by the hotel’s exit for Jack to return from changing. "What’s this stuff?" Janet asked looking through a large window at a display of items.

"Umm…the sign says charity auction."

"They’re selling props and stuff to raise money for Make a Wish," a woman said. "Look Libya," She turned to her friend. "They have Grell’s pants," she said longingly.

"To heck with those Trish, there’s the jacket Danning was wearing when he kissed Stacy in ‘As the Wormhole Turns.’"

"Ewwe Girl. Now if she’d kissed Grell…"

"You’d hate her."

"Well yeah, but at least he’d get to kiss someone. It was just like we were talking to Joe at the party last night. Grell needs a girlfriend."

The two women walked away leaving behind a bemused Sam and Janet. "I wonder what’s keeping the guys? Oh my god." Sam pressed her hands against the glass.

"What?"

"Nick Marlow’s pants," she said reverently pointing at the item of clothing.

"Huh?"

"Nick Marlow’s pants, worn by him, signed by him. Janet I HAVE to have those," Sam stated.

"Excuse me? You have a closet full of fatigues."

"But they’re not Nick Marlow’s fatigues."

"You don’t actually mean you watch this show?" Janet asked incredulously.

Sam blushed. "Well…I didn’t mean to. But, when you guys kicked me off the base there was a marathon and there was nothing else on and…it was sort of fun to see what I recognized from…you know and…he’s just so cute."

"Cute? Nick Marlow? The ‘I have a girl on every planet’ Nick Marlow. The ‘I would have been court-martialed years ago for hitting on my second’ Nice Marlow."

"Janet, he’s not like that. Not in real life. He’s got a new baby and he goes to see her every weekend and he supports all these charities and everyone says he’s fun to work with."

"Everyone?"

"Janet. Come on, so I’m hooked on a TV show. What’s so bad about…what?" Sam asked her friend who was staring wide-eyed at something behind the glass.

"Ray’s jacket," she said reverently, pressing her nose against the glass.

Sam stood back, her arms crossed over her chest. "Ray?"

Janet looked at her and blushed furiously. "Ok. Ok. I never miss it. What do you think I do while you and Cassie play chess? I’ve got all the episodes on DVD. Even bought a multi-region DVD player so I could buy them from the UK."

"Janet Fraiser you sneaky little…"

"There you guys are," Jack said, walking up to them with Daniel and Teal’c trailing. "Ready to go?"

Janet and Sam shared glances then looked at the items behind the glass barrier. "Actually sir, can we take a rain check?" Sam asked.

"What? I thought you two were starved?"

"We…something came up"

"A medical emergency. We need to hang around," Janet said.

"Both of you?"

"Actually it’s both medical and physics related."

Jack snorted. "Whatever. Danny, Teal’c, looks like it’s a guys night out."

Janet and Sam watched them leave. "How long until the auction starts?"

Sam looked at her watch. "Forty-five minutes. Not enough time to eat in the hotel restaurant."

"We’ll go to the food court, grab a burger and get back here," Janet planned. The two women hurried out the door.

<><><><><>

Jack walked by the parking garage trailed by Daniel and Teal’c. "So either of you have any idea where we’re going?"

"I thought you asked for directions?" Daniel said.

"Nah. What’s the adventure in that?" Daniel rolled his eyes and sighed. A familiar odor tickled his nose and he smiled, picking up the pace. Jack and Teal’c followed as he crossed the street. "No. No. No Daniel. No coffee houses," Jack insisted as he spied the archaeologist’s destination.

"Ja-ack," Daniel whined.

"Look, all they have are sandwiches. I’m hungrier than that. And I know Teal’c is too."

Daniel frowned and looked longingly at the Internet café. "Ok. But we stop for breakfast in the morning," he conceded.

"Hataka!" Teal’c cursed.

"Or not…"

"T? What? Oh for cryin out loud," Jack exclaimed as Daniel began to laugh. "Cronos. Who the hell would name a restaurant after a goa’uld?"

"It’s a Greek restaurant named after the Titan Cronos who had his name stolen by a goa’uld," Daniel explained.

The red painted door swung open and a group of people walked out laughing and joking. The aroma of grilled steaks and pizza wafted after them. "Mumsey come on. I have to help with the auction and we haven’t even moved the stuff into the room," a woman with a British accent said.

"Becky. It’s not like they’ll start without us. We’ll all help you. It’ll go much faster that way," Mumsey reasoned amongst a chorus of ‘we’ll all help’ from the other people in the group.

"It smells good," Jack said as the women headed back towards the hotel.

"I will not eat in an establishment bearing that name," Teal’c declared.

"Fine. We’ll look for somewhere else," Jack said.

They kept walking, enjoying the clean Vancouver air and the sunset over the mountains.

"Ooh there is a god," Jack said as his eyes caught sight of a red neon sign.

"Pizza?" Daniel asked. "We travel a thousand miles, we’re surrounded by a dozen authentic Chinese restaurants and you want pizza?"

"This isn’t just pizza. This is Chicago Pizza," Jack said, his voice full of reverence.

"It is dough covered with tomato sauce and cheese," Teal’c said in a long suffering voice.

"In other words, it’s pizza," Daniel said.

"This is Chicago Pizza. It’s like Philadelphia Cheese Steak or Kansas City Barbecue. It’s one of a kind."

"Yeah, that’s why they’re a franchise," Daniel quipped. "Fine we eat pizza. But I get coffee on the way back in addition to tomorrow morning. Your treat."

"Daniel, if it makes you happy I’ll set up an account and buy you a gallon a day for a week," Jack bargained walking into the restaurant.

<><><><><>

Sam hurried into the room, dragging Janet behind her. "It’s about to start," she said excitedly.

"Sam, I think there’s plenty." Janet motioned towards the stage, laden with props, clothing and other collectibles.

"Yeah, but only one thing I want," Sam said, slipping into an empty seat.

Up on stage workers were moving about, sorting out their offerings. People were filing in, filling the seats of the meeting room. "Sam, why exactly are we doing this?"

"Because it’ll be fun."

"Fun? You want to spend your hard earned money on a piece of discarded clothing signed by some actor?"

"Why not? It’s my money. If I wanted to buy a new car you’d help me shop. And it’s not like I can take it with me. Might as well have some fun with all that hazardous duty pay."

"Good evening ladies…and gentlemen…there are some men here right?" The emcee announced walking onto the stage. "I would like to thank all of you for coming to this very first Worm Con Charity Auction." There was a burst of applause and cheering. "Tonight we have a very impressive assortment of items graciously donated by Bridge Studios and the actors involved with Wormhole Extreme. And if that isn’t enough for you I have a few folks here to help me out. May I introduce Yolanda Reese who plays the brilliant and beautiful Major Monroe, Raymond Gunne who plays Doctor Levant and Doug Anderson, the strong silent enigmatic robot Grell!" There was another round of applause as the three actors made their way onto the stage.

"Where’s Nick?" Janet asked, staring at Ray Gunne.

"Oh. Nick never comes. I heard he had a bad experience at a convention years ago and won’t do them."

"Could it be that he’s afraid he’ll get mobbed by three hundred fanatic women?"

"Probably," Sam laughed. "Though you’d think the male machismo would thoroughly enjoy it. I mean honestly, how do you think one of the guys would act if they were in such an estrogen rich environment?"

"I’d have to surgically reduce their ego," Janet said dryly.

"Exactly."

"And here’s our first item up for bid, the script from the pilot episode, ‘Children of the Frogs’, signed by Nick Marlow, Yolanda Reese, Raymond Gunne and Doug Anderson. So who’ll start the bidding?"

Sam watched Yolanda as she walked up and down the aisle, showing the script to anyone interested. "Her hair is too long," Sam complained as the woman passed by.

"Huh?"

"Her hair. I mean the colonel’s the military advisor to the show and he lets her get away with it," She complained. "Mine gets a little too long and he starts putting barrettes and frou-frou pony tail holders in my locker."

"He didn’t?" Janet asked horrified.

"Yes he did. I caught him one day."

"What’d he say?"

"I didn’t say I confronted him, just that I caught him. I returned the favor by picking the lock on his office and leaving Grecian Formula and Just for Men hair color on his desk," Sam grinned impishly.

"That was you?" The colonel had been livid about that joke, stalking through the base for days, threatening retribution. Even General Hammond had enjoyed the show.

"Yep," she said smugly. "But the best part was when I signed him up for AARP. Even paid his first year’s dues."

"Sam…"

"And our next item for bid is a pair of pants…Nick Marlow’s pants ladies."

There was a huge round of applause as Yolanda Reese came out from backstage wearing the pair of pants. She took the microphone from the emcee. "You know…he’s been trying to get in my pants all season," she quipped, strutting down the aisle. Sam craned her neck to get a better look. "So, who wants to join me?"

"Fifty Dollars!" Sam yelled.

"Fifty-five," an Asian woman called from across the room.

"Seventy!"

"Eighty!"

"One Hundred!"

"One Hundred and fifty!"

"Three Hundred!"

"Four Hundred!"

"Sam are you nuts?" Janet tugged at her friend’s sleeve.

Sam shook her off. "Five hundred!" she yelled, out bidding the other woman.

"Five Fifty!"

"Seven Fifty!"

"Sam? It’s a pair of pants for crying out loud," Janet protested.

"Is that all?" Yolanda asked, standing be Sam. "Nick Marlow…and all he’s getting for these pants is seven fifty?"

"Eight!" the Asian woman cried.

"One thousand!" Sam yelled, grabbing Yolanda’s arm before she could leave.

"Ten Ben Franklins from the lovely blond on the left…any more?" The other bidder shook her head. "Going once, going twice…SOLD!" the emcee yelled.

Sam got up and followed Yolanda over to the stage. I’ll just go get out of these," the actress said. "Congrats honey."

"Thanks," Sam replied as she dug in her pocket for her credit card.

The woman returned bearing the pants and an envelope with a certificate of authenticity. "Here you go. Wear them in good health," she said.

"Yolanda, thanks…one thing," Sam said taking the items from her.

"Yeah?"

"You need a hair cut." She turned and headed back to her seat, bearing her prize.

"I can not believe you just did that," Janet said as Sam reclaimed her seat. "Can I?" She held out her hand. Sam smiled as the doctor stroked the heavy material.

"Now up for bid…Doug would you come out?" Doug Anderson strutted onto the stage barefoot and wearing an autographed pair of pants. "Now ladies. We all know that Grell is worth, far, far more than Colonel Danning…Who wants to open the bidding on his pants?"

"Fifty!" The woman from the corridor called.

"Fifty-five!"

"Seventy!"

"Eighty!"

"One Hundred!" Trish yelled. There was a pause.

"Any more?" The emcee called as Doug stood by the woman, his hands on her shoulders.

"One twenty-five!" With an apologetic shrug Doug got up and crossed the room to the other woman.

"That’s it? Only a measly one hundred and twenty five?" There was a pause. The emcee pointed at Trish. "One fifty?" She shook her head. "Come on, what would it take for you to go to one fifty?"

"He’d have to personalize it!" Libya yelled.

"Just how personal do you want it?" Doug asked, sitting on Trish’s lap. She leaned up and whispered in his ear. "One fifty right here!" Doug yelled.

"Going once…going twice…SOLD!" the man yelled. Doug grabbed Trish’s hand and pulled her back stage past the bemused emcee and amidst the catcalls and applause of the crowd.

"Well…ok. Umm…why don’t we move on? I have here next…" The man’s face fell. "Doctor Levant’s Jacket, complete with patches…signed by Ray Gunne and…worn by Ray Gunne!" The actor strolled out on the stage, bare chested save for a fatigue jacket.

"Oh my god," Janet breathed covering her face with her hands.

"Janet?" Sam asked, puzzled.

"Chest…bare chest," she said, her eyes fixated upon the figure on the stage.

"You’re a doctor, you see more than that everyday…"

"But not HIS more than that."

"So who’ll…."

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" Janet shot to her feet and screamed.

"Janet?"

Ray sauntered over and perched on the brunette’s lap. "Five hundred?" he asked incredulously.

Janet sighed and ran her hand over his bare, slightly furred chest. "And worth every penny sweet heart," she drawled in her best Mae West voice.

"Five fifty!" They heard from across the room

"Sorry sugar."

"You just stay right here. Six hundred!"

"Seven!"

Ray got up to leave. "STAY! Eight hundred!" Janet grabbed his wrist in a death grip.

The other woman sat down dejectedly and shook her head. "Going once….Twice…Sold to the lovely lady on the left!"

With a big grin Ray shook off Janet’s hand and slowly reached up to grab the tab of the zipper. With a mock bump and grind he pulled it down and slid the jacket of his naked chest. He reached down and draped it over Janet’s shoulders then led the woman to the front and the cashier.

"Ok. And the next item we have….."

<><><><><>

"I’ll have a draft and bring a Caesar for my friend," Jack ordered.

"Jack, what are you doing?" Daniel asked as the waitress walked away.

"Ordering Murray and I a drink."

"Yeah but… a DRINK? One with alcohol? For Murray?"

"Awe come on. We’re on vacation. Anyway we know the alcohol won’t affect him. All he ever drinks is water. He needs some variety," Jack dismissed looking at the menu. So many pizzas, so little time.

Teal’c returned from the restroom and reclaimed his seat as the waitress brought the drinks. "Are you guys ready to order?"

"Yeah, two large supreme…" Jack stopped and glanced at Murray. There was something about Jaffa digestive tracts and green peppers that just didn’t get along, rather explosively. The last time Teal’c had stayed over after eating a supreme pizza, Jack had spent the night on the roof wondering if he should go blow out the pilot lights on his water heater fearing an explosion. He’d burned incense for a week. "Make that one supreme and one all meat," he amended, remembering that the three of them were sharing a room.

"What is this beverage O’Neill?" Teal’c asked picking up the glass of dark red liquid garnished with a celery stalk.

"It’s a Caesar. I hear they’re good," Jack said innocently. He should have asked for extra hot sauce.

"I once fought Caesar," the Jaffa said examining the glass.

"Aah what?" Daniel asked overwhelmed by the image of Teal’c in a toga.

"Many years ago Apophis challenged Caesar for control of a planet. He succeeded and I was ordered to execute Caesar," Teal’c said, taking a sip of the drink. He frowned a bit then took a larger drink.

"So…can we call you Brutus now?" Jack asked.

"You may call me what you wish O’Neill. I may choose what I answer to. I wish another of these drinks," He said, after gulping it down and wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand.

<><><><><>

Sam and Janet left the auction room; Sam clutching her pants to her chest while Janet was wearing her newly acquired jacket. "So now what?" Sam asked.

"I don’t know. Think the bar’s open?"

"It’s only 0100, should be."

They walked past the front desk and into the wing where the Thirsty Turtle was. Although it was late, music was spilling from the darkened room. As they approached an oddly familiar voice was heard over the music. Sharing a glance they peeked through the door, past the ‘Karaoke Tonight’ sign.

"Fifty-five jars of goa’uld on the wall, fifty-five jars of goa’uld…take one down, pass it around, fifty-four jars of goa’uld on the wall…"

"Oh say it ain’t so?" Sam asked, fighting the laughter.

"Either that or we’re sharing hallucinations," Janet answered staring open mouthed at the sight of the Jaffa crooning into the microphone on the stage. Quickly paying their way in they wound a path through the scattered tables and found Daniel and Jack, both huddled down in a booth.

"Colonel?" Sam said, sliding in beside him. "What’s going on?"

"Teal’c is smashed is what’s going on," Daniel said, moving over so Janet could sit beside him. He didn’t tell them that they’d gotten kicked out of Chicago Pizza after Teal’c’s fifth Caesar. That was a story best left for later times, like when he needed to blackmail Jack out of something.

"Teal’c doesn’t get drunk. Junior won’t let him," Janet said.

"If he’s not drunk, explain that," Jack requested pointing at the large figure gyrating on the stage. Actually his voice was pretty good.

"A potential breach of national security?" Sam said. "Why don’t you just stop him?"

"Stop him Carter? When was the last time you stopped Teal’c from doing something?"

Janet rolled her eyes. "You guys make things way too difficult," she said, getting up and making her way to the stage. There was a whispered conversation between she and the stage manager and the music came to an abrupt halt. Amidst a loud chorus of groans and sighs of relief it started again.

"Wild thing…you make my heart sing…" Teal’c started to sing, waving his arm invitingly. Immediately two women hurried onto the stage, one of them Sam recognized from the auction and saw that she was wearing Grell’s pants. They immediately started to dance.

"Oh for cryin out loud," Jack exclaimed imagining explaining the spectacle to General Hammond…or worse, the man’s superiors.

"I’ll go get him," Daniel said. "We should get him into a room before he decides to start stripping or something."

The archaeologist made his way onto the stage and joined Janet in trying to separate Teal’c from the women and drag him off the stage.

"So Carter…whatcha you got there?" Jack asked, noting the item that Sam had set on the table.

She blushed, horrified. She’d forgotten that she’d brought it with her. "Oh. Nothing sir." She tried to pull the pants off the table and back into her lap.

"Nothing? This doesn’t look like noting," He took the pants from her and held them up, trying to see in the dim light. "Fatigues? What the hell are you doing with fatigues? We are on vacation you know."

"Yeah of course. Right. I…give them back sir," Sam reached for them, which prompted Jack to hold them higher.

"Aah. Aah. Aah. Not just yet Major." He pulled back. "You want them too badly. What’s the scoop?"

"Nothing Colonel. Now give them back," she demanded, making a lunge for the article of clothing. He pulled them higher and she ended up landing almost on top of him, their faces just inches away. There was an awkward moment as they both stared into each other’s eyes.

"Now you see Petty, THAT is what they need on the show. Danning can lust after Stacy as much as he wants but if there’s no chemistry it just doesn’t work," a woman said, yanking the pants from Jack’s hands and giving them to Sam.

"You’re right Sue. You ought to go find Joe and tell him," Petty replied, giving Jack an appraising look. "Maybe they can kill off Nick and cast this guy? He’s cute."

The two women left the bar as Daniel and Janet returned, nearly dragging a clearly intoxicated Teal’c.

"Jack, we need to go." Daniel nodded towards the bar manager. "I don’t think the general will like it if we get busted for disturbing the peace.

"What? Oh yeah right. We should…." He broke contact as Sam also lurched back, banging her head on the back of the booth.

"Ow. Right Daniel, let’s go," She said, sliding out of the booth rubbing the back of her head.

"Carter. Here." Jack held out the pants that she’d forgotten about.

She took them gratefully. "Thanks," she muttered as the quintet fled the bar.

<><><><><>

Several women were in the lobby of the Richmond Inn, gathered around the message board trying to see which actors were going to speak later in the day.

"Trish. I can not believe you’re wearing those pants," Denise said enviously.

"Are you kidding, she slept in them," Libya chimed in.

"And I have never slept so good," Trish said a broad smile on her face.

"Good morning all," Sue said as she and Petty joined them. "Who’s speaking today?"

"We don’t know, the schedule’s still up from last night," Denise replied. "Maybe Becky has an idea."

Becky and Mumsey joined them. "An idea about what?"

"Who’s speaking today? The schedule doesn’t say."

"I heard it was a surprise," Mumsey replied.

"Well whoever it is, Lems and I are going over to Horizons for dinner tonight, y’all want to join us?" Denise asked.

Before anyone could answer five figures staggered through the lobby. "I’m going to take T…Murray out to the car," a young man said, helping a large black man who bore all the ear marks of imbibing way too much.

"You know Sam, I don’t think it was the alcohol. I think maybe it was something else in the drink that made him sick," a petite brunette said as the gray haired man dealt with paying for the rooms.

"You mean he might be able to get drunk off of Clamato juice or something?" The tall blonde woman asked.

"It’s likely. I mean his system is different than ours. You can put one perfume on three women and it smells different on all of them."

"Something to bear in mind huh sir? Keep Murray away from the Clamato juice," She said to the older man.

"Whatever Carter. I just know that if word of this gets back to Hammond I’m gonna make sure the shopping sprees of a pair of majors becomes common knowledge," he threatened as the trio walked out of the hotel. "It’s bad enough that I’m going to have to explain us getting asked to stay elsewhere."

The same moment a bevy of burley security guards strode through the lobby guiding the four stars of Wormhole Extreme to the meeting room. As they passed, the members of the group looked from them to the exiting people and back.

"You don’t?" Denise asked.

"Nah. No way," Sue answered.

"Just a coincidence," Petty confirmed, staring at the retreating group.

"Come on guys, let’s go grab a seat before we’re stuck way, way back in the back VIP tickets or not," Denise said, ushering the group towards the meeting room and the rest of the convention.

~Fin~

Feedback: sky_diver119@yahoo.com