One Toe-tally Embarrassing Day
By
Denise

Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

Daniel sighed and lay back in the steaming water, luxuriating in its simple soothing warmth. God this felt good. Color him a wimp but nothing soothed post mission aches and pains better than a long hot soak.

Showers were ok. They served a purpose. They got you clean and neatly disposed of the filth and grime down a convenient swirling drain. Showers were a necessity. Baths were a luxury. A bath, or really a lack thereof was one of the first things he'd missed on Abydos. Followed quickly by coffee, chocolate and fast food.

He picked up the paperback novel he'd brought into the bathroom with him and opened it to the dog-eared page. He and the rest of SG-1 had returned from a week long planetary survey the night before and Jack and the rest were due to come over in an hour or two to go to Cassie's school carnival. The mission had been an easy one, nothing had really happened…but after a week of sponge baths in a creek he'd been craving a bath.

He figured he'd have just enough time to read a chapter or two and unwind before he had to get out and get dressed. Pushing his glasses up on his nose he opened the book and immersed his mind in the author's world as much as his body was immersed in the hot water.

A loud banging at the door startled him, causing his body to jerk, splashing water over the edge of the tub. The book fell into the tepid water with a plop and he kicked his legs in a futile reaction to try and save it. His foot banged against the faucet and he cursed in several languages pulling the soggy novel from the water.

Damn, he must have dozed off. That'd be a great way to go. Doctor Daniel Jackson intrepid intergalactic explorer drowns after falling asleep in his tub. Oh yeah. That would be fun.

He sat up and yelped as his foot refused to budge. What the…? He reached forward, and realizing he still had the soggy novel in his hand, he negligently let it fall to the floor beside the tub. He could dry it out later. He investigated his foot. His big toe was neatly jammed into the large faucet, apparently he'd stuck it in there when he'd started. Ok, this was stupid, and a story he'd never tell the others. He gave his foot a tug and yelped again as pain lanced up his leg.

"Yo Daniel?" he heard faintly, as the pounding echoed through his apartment. Crap. Jack. This was just great. He opened his mouth to call for help then shut it again. No. He'd never hear the end of it. He'd just get his foot unstuck himself. Maybe Jack would just go away.

"Nononononononono," he cursed quietly as he heard the door open. Of course Jack would have his spare key with him.

"Daniel?"

"Daniel Jackson does not appear to be present O'Neill."

"We are early," he heard Sam say. Fantastic. They were all here. Great. He was so screwed. Maybe…. maybe if he kept quiet they'd get bored and go away.

"Colonel?"

"I'm just gonna…" He heard Jack coming down the hall. Damn the man and his shrinking bladder.

Panicked, Daniel laid back in the tub. Maybe Jack wouldn't notice him. He closed his eyes in a childish hope that if he couldn't see he wouldn't be seen. He fought the urge to sink under the now barely tepid water as Jack entered the room, automatically closing the door.

"What the?" he heard as his sodden book clumped across the linoleum floor. "Daniel!" the colonel exclaimed.

Cringing inwardly and outwardly Daniel opened his eyes and sheepishly met his friend's gaze. "Oh Jack…Hi," he said in mock cheerfulness, feeling his face, neck, heck all of him heat in an embarrassed flush. It made the water feel even colder.

"Daniel, what the hell are you doing?"

"Just umm…didn't hear the door sorry…." He started to ramble.

"Colonel?"

"O'Neill is something…." The pair crashed into the bathroom obviously having heard Jack's outburst.

Daniel fought the urge to bury his face in his hands as he watched Sam's eyes grow wide as she took in his predicament. "Ooh…whoa…well…wow…umm… Hi… I'll…"

Jack gave the sputtering major a gentle shove. "Just go, Carter, before you sprain something."

"Yeah…umm…sorry Daniel," she raised her hand to cover her eyes and left the room.

"I was under the impression that Tau'ri preferred solitary bathing," Teal'c intoned, a smirk on his dark face. Super. Now the Jaffa was going to get in on it too.

"Teal'c I…"

"I suppose there's a reason you're sitting in a tub of obviously cold water?" Jack asked, noting that parts of his friend were starting to take on a decidedly blue tinge.

"Well TV really sucked so I though I'd kill time freezing my nuts off," Daniel said, fighting the urge to splash the smug look off his friend's face.

"Oh, ok. Don't want to get between a man and his jewels so we'll just go." Jack started to push Teal'c out of the bathroom.

"No. Damnit Jack."

The colonel peeked around the corner, his eyebrows raised. "Yes?"

Daniel rolled his eyes and consigned himself to being the butt of Jack's jokes for the next month or so. As long as he didn't take pictures this time. "My toe is stuck," he said in a tiny voice.

"Excuse me?" Jack stepped back into the room.

"My toe is stuck," he repeated, staring intently at the wall.

"Indeed, O'Neill, his toe appears to be lodged within the apparatus."

"Well whatta you know T…you're right." Jack leaned close to study the appendage in question. "Dare I ask how this happened?"

"I'd really rather you didn't. Can you just get it out?" he begged.

"You know T, I haven't had an invitation like that in far too long." Jack bent over and pulled on Daniel's foot, gaining him a yelp from the archaeologist.

"Damnit Jack, that hurt."

"Well if it wasn't so big…and what's it doing in there anyway?"

"I just slipped, ok?"

"You slipped?"

"Yes, slipped. I was reading and I guess I nodded off and it jerked and the next thing I know it was stuck in there."

"O'Neill, you will not be able to simply pull it out without risking damage, you must work it back and forth," Teal'c suggested, standing back with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Work it…I'm not going to play with it for cryin out loud."

"Jack, will you just do something? I think it's starting to swell."

"Well duh. The more you fiddle with it the bigger it's gonna get."

"Perhaps we should attempt to locate a substance to aid in removing the appendage?"

"You know it'd be really easy if we could just cut it off," Jack speculated.

"You are not cutting it off!" Daniel yelled.

"Aah hum." The three men stopped and looked to see a bottle of dishwashing soap hovering around the edge of the door.

Teal'c took it, noting that the hands holding it were shaking a bit and he heard the distinct sound of choked laughter. He agreed with Major Carter's sentiments. Were it not for a lifetime of training in controlling his emotions, he too would be laughing. However he realized it was unlikely that Daniel Jackson would share in his mirth. "Will this substance suffice O'Neill?" he asked, holding it out to the man and keeping all signs of amusement out of his voice, for now.

"Not quite my brand but it'll do in a pinch." Jack pulled open the top and bent over again. He gave the bottle a squeeze and bright green gel shot out, some of it actually getting on Daniel.

"Ow, that's cold," he complained.

"Quiet yer whining. Unless you want to be stuck in there all day." Jack squeezed the bottle again.

"Perhaps it would be more effective if you applied some of the lubricant inside," Teal'c offered helpfully.

Jack obliged. "Ok Daniel. Try it now. It should be nice and slick."

"Ow Jack. It's still stuck."

"Well you can't stay in there all day. We're just going to have to cut you loose," Jack declared, leaning back.

"I said you are not cutting it off," Daniel declared.

"Not it offa you, but you outta it. You could be stuck in there for days."

"If I'm just patient it'll come out on its own."

"No Daniel it won't. We're just going to pull it out."

"Pull it? You'll break it."

"Would you rather risk that than having the circulation cut off and having some doc hack it off? I mean they're getting really good at reattaching things."

"The fire department's on its way," Sam called around the door.

"You called the fire department? Sam, why?" Daniel asked. Just what he needed, more witnesses to this.

"As enjoyable as this whole thing has been, do you really want to stay like that all day?" she asked through the door. Was he imagining things or could he hear the laughter in her voice.

"Well since help is on the way, I'm gonna stop messing with it," Jack declared, sitting on the lid to the toilet.

"I shall await the fire department with Major Carter," Teal'c said, leaving the pair alone. He feared if he remained in the room much longer he would not be able to contain his amusement. It was indeed unfortunate that there was not a recording device present. An experience like this was one the Tau'ri seemed to like to share with others.

Something caught Jack's eyes and he leaned down to pick it up. "Aah Danny?" Jack held up the wet paperback. "The Undiscovered Country?" he asked, raising his eyebrow at the cover of the novel featuring a couple in an erotic clinch.

"Where'd that come from? Is Teal'c hooked on romance novels now?" Daniel asked innocently. Why couldn't he have just dragged home some classified reports? He'd catch less grief about that.

"Oh yeah sure, I guess, but…how the hell did T's book end up in your bathroom?"

"It fell out of his pocket?"

"Yeah. And I have some beach front property in Siberia for sale," Jack said sarcastically, turning the book in his hands. Was that even anatomically possible?

"You don't hear me giving you hell about your National Geographics," Daniel said indignantly.

"Those are educational. These are…"

"Relaxing."

"Smut."

"Diverting."

"Disgusting."

"Entertaining."

"Enter…"

"Aah, excuse me guys." Jack looked up to see Sam standing just outside of eyeshot of the tub. "The aah…fire department," she said as two people squeezed into the tiny room. Jack stood up and eased himself into the space between the toilet and the sink to give them room.

"So aah…what seems to be the problem?" the man asked kneeling beside the tub. "I'm David by the way, this is my partner Beth."

"Hi ya," the female fire fighter said, adroitly reaching behind her and pulling a hand towel off the rod. She handed it to Daniel who gratefully took it and settled it over his submerged lap.

"This might help," David suggested, reaching down to pull the plug and drain the water.

"My aah…my toe is stuck."

David reached in and gently wiggled it causing Daniel to wince. "Yep, sure is. Dishwashing detergent?" he asked rubbing the green slime between his fingers.

"Yeah…It works on TV," Jack interjected shrugging.

"And sometimes in real life," Beth said, flashing the colonel a grin.

"Not this time. Tell me…"

"Daniel."

"Daniel. You rent this place?"

"Aah yeah."

"Got renter's insurance?"

"Of course but…"

The fireman responded by pulling a small device out of his pocket. It looked like a miniature jack, two prongs about an inch long mounted on a toothed pole about six inches long. Daniel thought it looked like the reverse of a C-clamp meant to push things apart rather than hold them together. "Invented this little gizmo myself. All we need to do is open the faucet a fraction of an inch but I gotta warn you this has been known to damage a faucet or two. Which is why I asked if you were ok with it."

"What he means is we can use his gizmo and maybe trash your faucet or I can get the KY jelly and some ice packs and we can have you free in about an hour," Beth spoke up.

"If I have to sit in here for another hour you're going to be treating me for hypothermia. Be my guest."

David nodded and worked on putting his invention to use.

"So, you do this stuff often?" Jack asked the woman.

"What stuff?"

"Rescues like this?" Jack motioned towards his friend who was starting to shiver a bit.

"Ooh, this is nothing. You should see some of the weird ones."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Lessee, there was the lady who stuck a crochet hook through her hand, the fraternity kid who got super-glued to the toilet seat, kids with all sorts of stuff stuck up their noses, the woman who wrapped herself in saran wrap to lose weight…"

"Don't forget the guy that picked up super glue instead of KY," David said, slowly twisting the key that opened the prongs on the device.

"Oh yeah, him. Now that was one for the record books," Beth laughed. "Better than the guy that ate raw bread dough and swelled up like a balloon."

"How about the woman that had the light bulb stuck up her…" with a resounding pop Daniel's toe popped free.

David turned to his partner. "See, told you it would work," he said triumphantly, giving the key a spin to he could pull his invention out of the faucet.

Bending over to rub his toe Daniel was glad to see the fixture had suffered nothing worse than a small dent. Chances were Mrs. Singer, his landlady, wouldn't even notice it.

"How's the toe? Can you move it?" Beth asked.

Daniel cautiously wiggled the bruised appendage. "I think so."

"Good. Then I doubt it's broken. If it bugs you though you may want to have your doc look at it."

"We'll do that. Thanks," Jack said as the pair left the room.

"Thank you," Daniel called after the retreating pair. "Jack do you mind?" he asked, standing up, clutching the sodden towel.

"What?"

"I'm cold. I'm going to take a quick shower and get warmed up. Why don't you go tell Sam and Teal'c all the embarrassing details," he said, reaching to pull the shower curtain shut.

Jack listened as his friend pulled the plug to drain the bath water and turned on the shower. With a sigh he set down the book and started to leave. Just then he remembered why he'd come into the bathroom in the first place. Casting a quick glance at the closed curtain, he pushed the door shut again and opened the toilet lid. Daniel wouldn't mind, heck he'd never even know.

Finished, he closed the lid and automatically reached for the handle, neatly disposing of the evidence.

"JACK!!!!!" he heard Daniel scream over the gurgle of the toilet.

Realizing what he'd done, the colonel fled the room. Maybe Carter and Teal'c hadn't heard…

"Sir, what's wrong now?"

"O'Neill, is Daniel Jackson in distress?"

"What? No…he's fine he just….oh go away." He pushed past the pair, stomping into Daniel's living room and plopping down on the sofa.

Sam and Teal'c exchanged puzzled looks as they heard the shower turn off and a sopping wet, towel-clad Daniel Jackson stormed out of the bathroom. "Not a word," he ordered, stomping to his bedroom and slamming the door.

Sam looked from the door to the colonel sulking on the couch. "Well this is going to be fun," she quipped going back to the living room to wait for Daniel.

Teal'c watched his teammate leave. He started to follow her when something caught his eye.

Entering the bathroom he picked up the book and studied it closely. It appeared to be an instruction manual on Tau'ri mating practices, if the picture on the cover was any indication. Given his lack of success in attaining female companionship over the past several years, perhaps reading this book could aid him in his quest. He slipped the wet book into his pocket. It would dry and he was sure Daniel Jackson would not mind if he borrowed it. He had often heard that one way to learn about a culture was to read its books.

"Can we get this over with?" Daniel asked, throwing open the door to his bedroom and striding past Teal'c.

"Daniel, I think I'm offended by your toe-ne," Jack complained good-naturedly.

"Yeah, you're definitely leaning toe-wards being rude," Sam said, getting into the act.

The archaeologist shot his friends a sharp look. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah Daniel, you better toe the line or I'm going to have Teal'c beat you up," Jack threatened, getting to his feet.

"Jack, I swear to God…"

"Daniel Jackson, did I ever relay to you what truly happened during my time spent in Minnesota," Teal'c said, an evil look on his face.

"Aah…Teal'c…I though we'd agreed that we weren't going to talk about that," Jack said, his face blanching.

"You agreed O'Neill, I did not," the Jaffa said, enjoying the panicked look on the colonel's face.

"Really? I thought all that happened was several days of blissful fish murdering," Sam said, crossing her arms over her chest and grinning widely.

"There are no fish in O'Neill's lake. In fact I doubt that there are any fish in the state of Minnesota. Just mosquitoes. Many, many mosquitoes. O'Neill quickly discovered that fact. Just as he soon realized that the boat he used was not lake worthy when it sank, with him in it, in the middle of the lake. Also that the roof to the cabin leaks and that the majority of the appliances in his cabin are not operational. Which is why he wishes you to journey to the location Major Carter," Teal'c reported thoroughly enjoying the look on the man's face.

"Teal'c! That was a secret. Between brothers…you know, a plan…"

"That's why you keep bugging me about that cabin? You want me to spend my time fixing it up?" Sam asked, her hands going to her hips, outrage in her voice.

"No. Not really…I just…if you were bored and wanted to play with them then that was fine but…."

"Oh, I do not believe this. Come on Daniel. Let's go," Sam said, leading Daniel out of the room with Teal'c following.

"Come on guys…It was a joke…guys?…Carter? Damnit Daniel…Teal'c? Where's that loyalty thing? Brothers and all that….Guys?" Jack called after his retreating teammates. With a sigh he scrubbed his face with his hands and followed them. It was going to be a long night.

~Fin~

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