Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

Jack made his way down the narrow airplane aisle, his fingers digging into the cushions when the plane bucked slightly. He ignored the annoyed glare from a fellow passenger and gratefully sank into his seat. He grimaced slightly at the lack of cushion provided by the economy seats. "This isn't fair," he muttered, staring balefully at the curtains separating first class from the rest of the cabin.

"I thought you said that life wasn't fair?" Daniel said, glancing up from his magazine.

"It's not," Jack agreed. "It if was, I wouldn't be crammed in this tin can. I'd be sitting on a dock, enjoying the peaceful tranquility of a Minnesota autumn evening."

"I thought General Hammond said your options were to either go with us or with SG-9 to oversee their negotiations?" Teal'c asked.

Jack rolled his eyes. "There are ways," he said.

"Indeed," Teal'c muttered, shifting uncomfortably.

The three of them were all seated side by side and were in the first row behind the first class cabin, which did grant them more leg room, however it did nothing to make the eighteen inch wide seats comfortable for three...well, two normal sized men and one extra large one.

"What exactly did Sam and Janet do to rate first class?" Daniel groused.

"Sucked up to the general."

"You are incorrect, O'Neill," Teal'c corrected. "Major Carter informed me that she and Doctor Fraiser put forth their personal currency to secure more comfortable traveling accommodations."

"Why does this not surprise me?" Jack said. "I mean, Carter asked for the time off the day after we got back last year."

"I believe both women find this time most enjoyable."

"I don't get it," Daniel said. "I mean it was fun and all, but why would they come to this thing year after year?"

Jack shrugged. "Got me. I know Carter's got a thing for that one guy."

"Colonel Danning, portrayed by Nick Marlow," Teal'c supplied.

"Yeah," Jack said. "And Fraiser for aah…" Jack snapped his fingers.

"Doctor Levant, portrayed by Raymond Gunne."

Jack made a face. "I don't get it. I mean, what the appeal of lusting after a couple of pretty boy actors?"

"Oh please," Daniel moaned.

"What?" Jack asked innocently.

"I've been in your house."

"Yeah."

"I've seen it."

"Seen what?"

"The picture."

"I have a lot of pictures."

"Not just any picture, THE picture."

"Daniel, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I believe he is referring to the autographed photograph of the cast of Wormhole X-treme that you acquired during your time as the show's military advisor," Teal'c said.

"Yep," Daniel said. "That one, that you keep in a drawer with all your scripts." He turned to look Jack in the eyes. "You know, you ever want to get on Janet or Sam's good sides, just hand those over."

"I'll bear that in mind," Jack drawled. He sighed and leaned back in the chair, stretching his long legs out in front of him. He looked at his watch, mentally doing the math. They'd start their descent into Vancouver soon.

To be honest, he never thought he'd be back here. Technically, he was still the show's military advisor, but, given the escalation of their duties at the SGC, they'd assigned a sergeant to assist him. Sergeant Tim Ghiradelli lived in Vancouver and handled the day to day duties of the job. And because of that, Jack had suggested that he get the honor of speaking at this year's convention.

Tim had been thrilled, and so had Jack, anticipating a week off and possibly a trip to Minnesota. Instead, he found himself on a plane headed to Vancouver with tickets to the Third Annual Wormcon.

And he thought he'd already been to hell.

<><><><><>

Sam nodded at the flight attendant and stepped off the plane, dragging her bag across the rough threshold between the fuselage and the concourse. She walked up the incline, smiling as she heard Janet jog a bit, trying to catch up. "This isn't a race you know," she complained, huffing slightly.

"Do you know how many people are on that plane? Do you have any idea how bad customs is?" Sam said, entering the airport. She followed the signs, winding her way along the elevated paths and towards the large customs area.

"Do you have any idea how mad the general will be if we leave him behind?" Janet said, following her.

"He's a big boy," Sam quipped.

"Sam-"

"Don't worry. We'll all meet up at the baggage claim," Sam soothed. "And we're all going to the same hotel anyway." She reached the end of the line and handed over her passport and documentation to the official. She glanced behind her, relieved to see the guys in line behind them.

"True, but the general's never been here, he has no idea what to expect," Janet said, taking her passport from the customs agent and following Sam through the gates.

"So, he's a virgin," Sam quipped.

"What?"

"A Worm-Con virgin," she said, her blue eyes sparkling evilly.

"You didn't?"

"It was purely in his best interests. It would have been mean to just cut him loose in a hotel with four hundred fans…four hundred female fans of a show he barely watches," she explained, taking her place at the baggage carousel as it started to turn.

"If he's not a fan of the show, why is he here?" the doctor asked.

"I heard something about a lost bet." She shrugged, leaning closer to the doctor and lowering her voice. "I just hope he doesn't get in the way." Janet frowned. "Have you ever tried to…go to a concert with your father chaperoning the trip? It tends to crimp your style a bit."

Janet cringed, looking over her shoulder, grimacing at the sight of the man in question, short sleeved plaid shirt tucked into a pair of khaki pants, his passport and other papers sticking out of his breast pocket. Behind him, she could see the three remaining members of their party clearing the first customs checkpoint. The colonel had fished his sunglasses out of his pocket and slid them on his face while Teal'c looked distinctly odd with the absence of his tattoo accented by the bright overhead lighting.

Anticipating the difficulty with wearing a hat all the time, and with a little research on the Internet, Janet had rigged up a flesh colored patch for him to wear on his forehead, one that disguised his tattoo. It wouldn't bear up under close scrutiny, but was good enough for a casual glance.

Daniel was bringing up the rear, swinging his book bag over his shoulder and looking distinctly bored with the whole thing.

"What about when we get to the hotel?" Janet asked.

Sam shook her head. "It's everyone for themselves. We paid for our tickets, not the US Air Force. We're on our time." She looked at their companions, making a face as she watched the colonel charm a female customs agent, smiling winningly as he pulled off his shades to allow her to confirm his identity.

"And a fine time it will be," Janet smiled.

"Ya sure ya betcha."

<><><><><>

Major General George Hammond pulled a bill out of his pocket and tipped the driver before picking up his luggage and walking into the lobby of the hotel. Behind him, he could hear the rest of his group also collecting their belongings from off the shuttle.

He made his way to the front desk and pulled out his ID, quickly checking in and getting the key to his room. "So, when does this thing start?" he asked the rest of his group.

"You can check in with the convention people tomorrow," Carter told him, pointing at the tables set up on the other side of the lobby. "They'll give you your badge and you have to wear it all weekend. They post notices on the bulletin board, peoples' room numbers and the such." He nodded, stepping over to study the bulletin board while they checked in.

There were already several notices up, despite the fact that the convention didn't begin officially until the next night. He saw advertisements for 'fan zines'…whatever those were, a gathering of some group called the Danningites in what he guessed to be a local bar and a listing of busses and meeting places for a city tour.

"Sir?" O'Neill said. "We're ready."

George nodded, making his way back to where he'd left his luggage, picking up the bags and following the other people towards the elevators and their rooms.

He would get even with Kerrigan for this, Kerrigan and those damned Cubs. He sighed heavily, telling himself that it could be worse, he could be in Kansas.

<><><><><>

Jack sat back in the bus seat, rolling his eyes as the bus came to a stop and people got to their feet, shuffling down the narrow aisle, cameras in tow. "Jack, you're not getting off?" Daniel asked.

"It's the same flowers they had planted last year, Daniel," Jack said. "Ya seen em once, ya seen them enough."

"Teal'c's going."

"Teal'c just wants to get some fresh air," Jack said.

"Maybe you could use some too."

"Daniel-"

"Jack, don't be an ass. Come on, get outside, get some fresh air."

Jack sighed, reluctantly getting to his feet and following his friend off the bus. He stood outside, pulling his sunglasses out of his pocket. "I'm outside, Daniel. Now go away."

Daniel shrugged, walking towards Teal'c who was studying some of the flowers in the garden.

Yeah, ok, so it did feel good to stand up and stretch his legs, Jack admitted to himself.

He just didn't quite get why he was even here, not to mention why he was on this silly tour in the first place. He never should have let Teal'c make their travel plans, and definitely should have convinced Daniel to stay behind. He could lay the blame for that on Doc's shoulders. 'It could help him remember, sir. And it would be nice for him to get away from the mountain.' Yeah right, Doc. If it's so great, why the hell wasn't she here chaperoning the alien and the amnesiac?

The rough grumble of a panel truck caught his attention and he turned, instinctively reading the words on the door. 'Joan of Arcadia'. He frowned, he knew that show. It was on every Friday…and was one of the few things he taped other than the Simpsons.

He didn't know that they taped in Vancouver as well. All of a sudden, things were looking up.

He squinted, trying to find Daniel and Teal'c in the crowd of tourists. Unable to see them and afraid that he would lose sight of the truck, Jack turned, jogging down the path towards the truck and leaving the bus behind.

<><><><><>

Janet held on tight, biting her lip as Sam took a corner on what felt like two wheels. "Sorry," she apologized.

"No problem, I wanted to come to Canada to die," Janet said.

"Janet-"

"Where are we going?" Janet asked, slightly grumpy from the long flight and trying to sleep in a hotel bed. A problem Sam didn't seem to have. She guessed it was one advantage her friend had from sleeping on the ground once or twice a week, the ability to sleep anywhere, any time.

"There's a shop in Steveston I want to hit. And then I thought we could grab some breakfast, maybe take a walk, and still have time to meet Mo for lunch," she explained.

"And then?"

Sam shrugged. "I dunno, chill out before the cocktail party tonight," she suggested.

Janet sighed. "That sounds good."

Sam drove through the narrow streets, leaving the hustle and bustle of Richmond behind as they got closer to the coast and the town of Steveston.

Once there, she found a space in a public lot and parked the car. They got out, both stretching as they breathed in the fresh, salt tinted air. "I think the tide's coming in," Sam said, walking away from the town and toward the point. They walked past the cannery and towards the sea, enjoying the peaceful quiet broken only by the cries of the gulls. "I miss the ocean," Sam said, walking slowly through the tall grass.

"Really?"

Sam nodded. "I spent some time in San Diego and Galveston…plus a few other places over the years. The mountains are fun, but…"

"You miss the ocean," Janet finished.

"Yeah. Besides, do you have any idea how hard it is to get fresh seafood in Colorado?"

Janet made a face. "Ick. Steak, gimme beef," she said.

Sam laughed. "That's just because you haven't had good seafood."

A fishing boat floated by, headed out into the open water. Reaching the point, they turned around, walking back towards the dock. They passed a tall spire, a sobering memorial to those who lost their lives to the sea.

"Where are we going?" Janet asked.

"Last year I overheard some other con goers talking about a yarn shop."

"Yarn?"

"Yarn," Sam confirmed.

"What do you need yarn for?"

"To knit with," Sam said.

"You knit?"

Sam laughed. "Not very well, but, yeah." She turned to look Janet in the eyes. "It's actually quite relaxing. Sorta, mindless. I can think better," she explained.

Janet shook her head. "Now I think I've seen everything."

"Anyway, last time he was home, Dad was complaining about it being cold in the tunnels. And since he really can't have anything manufactured because that might give him away as having a connection with the Tau'ri, I thought a nice pair of socks made from home made yarn would fit the bill," she explained, coming to a stop outside a store.

Janet looked up, reading the name. 'Wicker and Wool'. She followed her friend inside, browsing as Sam looked over the yarn selection.

"I think this will be great, Sue," one of the customers said. "These beads will make gorgeous bracelets."

"Kelly, you're right. These will be great. Oh, and look, little plastic bowls."

Janet walked past the two women, rejoining Sam who was picking up three skeins of yarn. "Janet, what do you think?" She held them up. "This a good color for Dad?"

Janet frowned, studying the dark blue yarn. "Yeah, blue is good."

"Cool." Sam grinned. "It was either this or the purple… and Dad just isn't a purple person."

She paid for her purchases and they left the shop, walking down the busy street. "Now what?" Janet asked.

"Now, breakfast." Sam pointed across the street at the small bakery. "Fresh Cinnamon rolls anyone?"

<><><><><>

Daniel led Teal'c back to the bus, picking up the pace a bit to keep up with the rest of the tourists. He really wasn't ready to leave, there was a fantastic arboretum in the park with some spectacular tropical plants and birds that he'd much rather spend his time exploring. However, the tour, and the tour's schedule beckoned.

Glancing at his watch, he confirmed that they had a couple of minutes left before the bus was due to depart, so he slowed, letting the other members of the tour flow around him. "Is it just me, Teal'c, or are there a lot of women on this tour?" he asked, idly studying their faces.

Their fellow bus passengers were a mixed bag, young and old, pretty and not so pretty, thin and not so thin. Some were dressed quite nicely in what he'd call business casual, others in casual jeans and shirts and still others in mock-ups of the Wormhole X-Treme uniforms, usually a conglomeration of regulation Earth military fatigues.

"There are indeed a disproportionate number of females attending this convention," Teal'c confirmed.

"Was it like this before?"

"Yes."

"Did Jonas come last year?"

"He did."

"Well?" Teal'c raised his eyebrow questioningly. "What happened?"

"Jonas Quinn availed himself of the opportunity to explore Earth and it's customs," he said.

"Which customs?"

"As many as he could accomplish in the limited time we had here. Should we not board the vehicle?" he asked, blatantly changing the subject.

Daniel shrugged. "Where's Jack?"

"O'Neill remained upon the conveyance."

Daniel shook his head. "No, he got off." He turned, climbing the steps and peering into the large tour bus. "He's not here," he said, turning and leaning out the door.

"Perhaps he availed himself of the facilities," Teal'c suggested.

Daniel tuned again, hurrying down the narrow bus aisle and checking the bathroom at the back. He returned in a few seconds. "Nope."

"Then he must have wandered off," Teal'c said. "We should board the bus."

"And leave him?" Daniel protested.

"O'Neill is eminently capable of seeing to his own well being."

"We can't leave him behind," Daniel said. Teal'c merely raised his eyebrow. "I won't leave him behind. If he's here, then we'll stay here until we find him," he declared.

"Come on," a bearded man with an Australian accent said. "We need to leave."

"We're staying," Daniel said.

The man stepped down from the bus. "Look, we can't leave the two of you behind. I'm in charge of this bus and responsible for returning to the hotel with the same number of people I left with."

"We'll be fine," Daniel said. "I have enough money for cab fare; we'll make our own way back."

The man looked from him to Teal'c and back. "You're going with him?" he asked, pointing at Teal'c.

"Yeah," Daniel confirmed.

"You're right, you'll be fine. Ok then, you're on your own." He made his way back to the bus and climbed on, taking his seat as the driver put the vehicle into gear and drove off in a cloud of diesel fumes.

Daniel watched it go, then turned to Teal'c. "Come on, Teal'c, it'll be an adventure," he said, smiling enthusiastically.

"If you say so." Teal'c sighed heavily, suddenly having a very good idea precisely why O'Neill had vanished, and wishing that he was with the man.

<><><><><>

George walked into the lobby of the hotel, pleasingly replete after partaking of the breakfast buffet in the Wayfarer Inn. He glanced at his watch and, for a moment, regretted not going on the tour with the other men. Not that sitting on a crowded bus for hours was something he looked forward to, but at least it wouldn't be boring.

He spied the courtyard and the pool and gave a thought to spending some quality time relaxing, when was the last time he sat beside a pool and read?

That's what he should do, look upon this less as losing bet with Kerrigan, and more as an opportunity to take a paid vacation. Fingering the ID badge and lanyard he'd been given, he ambled through the lobby. Yep, that's what he'd do, go check the gift shop and find a book and go relax.

"This is your first time, isn't it?"

He turned towards the source of the voice. "Excuse me?"

"You've never been to Wormcon, have you?" A woman asked, smiling welcomingly.

"Aah, no, I haven't," he admitted.

"I thought so." She dug in her bag. "I figured I'd miss some, so I made extras." She pulled out a small badge and reached for his lanyard, pinning it on. "The Virgins gotta stick together."

"What?" he asked, frowning at her.

"Wormcon Virgins," she explained, holding up her own badge. "Technically, I'm not. I came last year, but how else will people recognize me?"

"How else?" He picked up his badge, twisting it around to read it.

"You see, most of the folks have come every year, and they know their way around. But some of us are new and we have no idea what's going on. So we have this badge so that we can find each other, and help each other out," she explained. "And the veterans know that if we do something silly, we're not doing it to be mean or anything, just because we don't know any better"

"That's aah, that's very nice."

"That's Texas hospitality for you, even if we are thousands of miles away. Come on," she said, looping her arm through his. "Let one Texan show you around this fine establishment."

<><><><><>

Sam pulled up to the gate of the studio, rolling down her window to talk to the guard. "Hi, I'm Sam Carter and this is Janet Fraiser, we have an appointment with Mo Jacozzi," she said.

"Right," the guard said, checking his clip board. "Over there." He pointed out one of the buildings. "They're upstairs. If you want to wait by the front door, I'll call Mo and have him come down."

"Thanks." Sam waited for him to raise the gate, and then pulled onto the studio lot, following the guard's directions to a parking place.

"I can't believe the guy's a Tok'ra," Janet said as she parked the car.

"Me neither," Sam agreed. "I nearly had kittens at the restaurant last year. Bad service is one thing, I just don't usually expect to be sharing my table with an alien…other than Teal'c and Jonas and my dad and…." She groaned, turning off the ignition and looking at her friend.

"Yeah, you got a weird life," Janet teased, undoing her seat belt. They got out of the car and walked across the parking lot, the hustle and bustle of the rest of the lot confirming that they were taping right now.

The door opened and Mo stepped out. "Hey."

"Hi," Sam greeted, shaking his hand. "You remember Janet?"

"Of course," he said. "I'm glad you ladies made it back this year."

"So are we," Sam said, following him inside.

He led them through a maze of corridors. "We'll take the back way. They're taping down in the control room and gate room right now, but not upstairs, so we can watch from the briefing room and still stay out of their way," he explained.

"This is organized chaos," Sam remarked, stepping out of the way as a man hurried past her, prop weapons in his hand.

"Yep," Mo agreed. "Things are a little hectic right now. Nick's gotta leave in a couple of hours and they need to get his scenes done."

"That's right, he flies home every weekend," Janet said, frowning as they walked past a fake infirmary set.

"Every Friday, usually. This week it's Thursday. He's got a standing reservation at the airline." Mo led them up some stairs and through a door. They walked into a mock-up of their own briefing room, complete down to the displays and posters on the walls.

"How do you get it to look so real?" Sam asked, walking slowly around the room.

"We have our ways," he teased. "Actually, one of your people was kind enough to take some pictures for us, which the Air Force then approved and passed on…thoroughly de-classified," he said. "We used them as a rough basis for building our sets."

Sam nodded, sitting down in one of the chairs. "Oh," she said, bouncing a bit. "Can we swap you? These are much better than our chairs."

Mo laughed. "No problem."

"What are they doing down there?" Janet asked, staring out the large glass windows.

Mo walked over to stand by her. "Taping a scene."

"What's that big green curtain?" Sam got to her feet and walked over. Below them there were a large group of people in the gate room, some holding cameras, others boom microphones and still others just standing there. In the middle were the actors, distinguishable only because of their costumes. "They're going to go through the wormhole," Mo explained.

"Where's the puddle?"

"It doesn't really exist. They walk up with the green screen in place, and then in post production, they take out all the green and put in the event horizon."

"Wow," Sam said. "That's more complicated than the real thing."

Mo nodded. "I know. They'll do the scene a few times, taping it from different angles. If someone is talking, then they'll have to do a pass for the close up. Depending on how difficult it is, a scene that takes a minute on the show can take a whole afternoon to tape."

"Ray's down there," Janet said, pressing her face against the glass.

"They all are," Mo said. "Normally, they break for lunch about now, but they want to get this scene done."

They heard foot steps on the stairs and both women turned to Mo, concerned that they'd done something wrong. "Don't worry about it. Lots of people come up here," he reassured them.

"I thought I saw some new faces." Sam stared as Nick Marlow climbed the stairs. "Mo, you didn't warn us that you were bringing guests."

"Sorry, Nick, it was one of those last minute things."

"And what lovely guests they are," he said, ignoring the writer. "Nick Marlow, at your service."

Sam just stared, her mouth moving, but nothing was coming out. "Janet Fraiser," Janet said, stepping between them. "And this is Sam Carter. We met Mo last year."

"What? Oh, right. The convention," he said. "I think umm…" He snapped his fingers.

"Yolanda," Mo supplied.

"Right. Yolanda is going to that."

"That's what we heard," Janet said. "How about Doug?"

He shook his head. "No. Doug is taking his boys skiing this weekend. Ray was thinking about it though. But…you know, he's not an official guest and all. Yolanda's trying to talk him into it, but he's sorta afraid they'll turn him away at the door or something."

"I don't think that will happen," Janet said. "They seem most willing to accommodate anyone that shows up."

"Really?" Nick asked, blatantly staring at the pair of them. "And are you two lovely ladies going to be there?"

Sam nodded, still at a loss for words. "We've both got tickets. We'll be there," Janet said, unable to hide a grin at her friend's behavior. The woman could kill aliens with her bare hands and got tongue tied around an actor. She was never going to let her forget this.

"Mmmhm," Nick said, appearing to consider the possibility of staying.

"Nick, you do have a flight in a couple of hours," Mo reminded.

"What? Oh right." He snapped his fingers. "Actually, the kidlet has a birthday party tonight, she won't even be home." He turned to face Mo. "Can you talk to Igor? See if he can move my reservations to tomorrow afternoon? I'll talk to Bob, I'm not taping much Tuesday anyway, I'll finish up here, go to their convention, fly south tomorrow and come back Wednesday," he planned.

"Really?" Sam asked.

"Nick! Where is he?" She heard a voice from downstairs call. "We're ready."

"Gotta go," Nick said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. "Just have them call my assistant, we'll work out a time," he said, handing it to her. "Now that we have that taken care of, I probably better get back to work." He hurried back down the stairs and into the gate room while Sam stood there, still staring at the card in her hand.

"She'll be better in a minute," Janet said to Mo.

The man shrugged. "I've seen it a dozen times. Nick's a charmer, although I have to say, Mohra doesn't care for him too much," he said, referring to his symbiote.

"Speaking of, Sam didn't you have some information for Mo?" Janet asked, shaking her friend slightly to jar her out of her stupor.

"What? Oh, right, yes I do," Sam said, digging into her pocket. She pulled out a computer disk. "I got your e-mail and asked around. It wasn't exactly easy to find out which of your friends were still alive without telling someone why I wanted to know, but …this should help." She handed the disk to Mo. "I'm afraid the Tok'ra haven't been doing too well lately."

Mo nodded gravely. "That's what I expected. Thank you," he said sincerely, sliding the disk into his pocket. "Now, would you guys like to see some more of the studio?" he offered. They agreed and Sam carefully slipped the card into her pocket before following Janet and Mo out of the briefing room and back down the stairs.

<><><><><>

Jack ambled through the trees, alternately enjoying his walk and cursing himself for being so stupid as to just bail on the tour. He should have at least let Daniel and Teal'c know. Ah well, those two were so enthralled, they probably hadn't even noticed that he was gone.

It was a lovely autumn afternoon, the weather being surprisingly warm for Canada in September. He'd lost sight of the truck several minutes ago and was now just walking, hoping to see something, or, at the very least, a way to snag a cab or bus and make his own way back to the hotel.

The scenery in Stanley Park was fantastic, not that he'd like to be caught enthusing about it to anyone. Tall, ancient trees, lots of green ground cover, a multitude of blooming plants, it was a gardener's paradise. Unfortunately, it looked a lot like some of the planets he'd been on, too much so in some cases. It set his nerves on end.

Rounding a bend in the trail, he stopped, staring at the sight before him. He'd found…something anyway. In a clearing in the trees there were a couple of dozen silver trailers, all lined up like a wagon train of old. People were scurrying back and forth, some obviously on a mission, others seemingly just killing time.

He'd been on location with the Wormhole X-Treme crew enough times to recognize a film crew. The real question was, which show was this? He knew that a lot of them taped in Vancouver and this could be one of several, or even a made for TV movie.

Stepping forward, he tried to stay alert, for either the security that would chase him away, or for the film crew. The fastest way to get booted was to get in their way. Finding a convenient bench at the edges of the clearing, he sat down, planning to watch for a bit before finding a bus stop or taxi and heading back to the hotel.

The center of the clearing was made up to look like a play ground, complete with swings and kids and he watched as the director struggled to get the children to play normally, while ignoring the cameras and crew scurrying around at the edges of set.

That had to be a nightmare. It was hard enough to wrangle three adults, Jack didn't even want to think about how hard it had to be to try and get a dozen kids to do what you wanted them to do, when you wanted them to do it.

"I haven't seen you around before," a voice said from his left. He turned, squinting as he realized that the person, a woman, was standing with her back to the sun, effectively silhouetted.

"No, I'm aah, just visiting," he said as she moved to sit down.

"We don't get many visitors around here. One of the advantages of it being our first season, no one knows who we are." She sat down, leaning over to prop her elbows on her knees.

"So, you're on the show?"

"Yeah," she answered, her long brunette hair shielding her face from him. He frowned, something about her seemed familiar. He wanted to ask who she was, but also knew from experience, that sometimes it was best to just pretend…better for their ego and his sanity. "Although I'm done for the day, I'm just hanging out for a while."

"I've done that before," he said, watching as the director set up a shot with a young female actress and an even younger girl.

"So, what brings you here?"

"To the park or to Vancouver?"

"Either," she answered, laughing a bit.

"We're aah, we're in town for a convention and I just stepped away for some time off."

"Not that wormhole show."

"Yeah," he admitted. "I guess you've heard of it."

"Michael does nothing but talk about that show. It drives us nuts sometimes."

"Michael?"

"He's another actor. He loves it, watches the danged thing every day in his trailer. I don't understand the appeal." She shrugged, turning to face him. "I don't know, maybe it's one of those men things," she said, frowning as she took in the look on his face. "Did I say something wrong?"

He quickly shook his head. "No, no, I'm sorry. I'm aah…I just umm-"

"Colonel, what the hell do you think you're doing with my mother?"

"Michael, that's no way to talk to a visitor," she chided, getting to her feet and standing before the young blond man who'd joined them.

"It's ok, Mary, I know him," he said. "It's Michael by the way," he said, quirking one eyebrow meaningfully. "And this is Mary Steenburgen who plays my mother on the show."

"Yeah, we aah, hi," Jack stumbled to get out, waving weakly.

"You have to forgive him, he's old," Michael said, reaching forward to grab Jack's arm. He pulled him away from the woman and towards one of the trailers, not protesting when Jack shook his hand free from the boy's grasp.

They climbed into the trailer, 'Michael' shutting the door behind him. "You know, if you wanted to meet her, all you had to do was ask," he said.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jack demanded. "I thought you were finishing high school." He faced him, not surprised to discover that his younger self had grown a few inches since he'd seen him last.

"Hello? Tutors," Little Jack said. "Anyway, we both know high school was just a formality, somewhere to stick me until I was old enough to cut loose." He walked over to the small kitchenette and opened the fridge, pulling out two bottles of beer. He held one out to Jack, who took it, then opened one himself.

"How'd you get here?" Jack asked.

"Last summer I got bored, took a little road trip. I ended up here, stumbled across an open audition and figured what the hell? It was a way to kill an afternoon."

"Until you got the job."

"Yeah. Look, it's no big deal. Like I said, I finished high school courtesy of a tutor, I'll do this gig as long as it lasts, then see what else I want to do," he said, plopping down on the couch in the small living room. "It's a win-win. I'm making more money than the Air Force ever thought of paying me, I got my education, or at least got the right pieces of paper, and -"

"And totally forgetting the idea about keeping a low profile," Jack interrupted.

"I must be doing something right. The show's been on the air for six months and no one's said a word," Mike shot back.

"You changed your name."

"Part of that low profile thing."

Jack stared at him for a minute, then sighed, joining him on the couch. "You finally did it."

"Did what?"

"Ran away to Canada."

Mike laughed. "Took me long enough."

"You know, I meant to call," Jack said seriously. "Keep in touch."

Mike shrugged. "It was too creepy. It was driving me nuts to stay in the Springs. I kept coming up with places I needed to avoid so I wouldn't run into one of you guys. I was afraid someone from the SGC would recognize me and blow my cover and…I needed to get away."

"I can respect that," Jack said. "So, you like doing this?"

"Yeah, I do." Mike said. "Although one part of it sucks." Jack raised his eyebrows. "I've had a crush on this woman for years, I finally get to spend time with her and she's old enough to be my mother."

<><><><><>

Sam parked the car, glancing at her watch, then up at the bus pulling into the lot. "Right on time," she remarked.

"I thought we were trying to avoid the boys?" Janet asked, getting out of the car.

"To a point. I figure we should at least touch base once a day…if for no other reason than to keep me off of KP on our next out of town trip," Sam said, locking the car and walking across the lot. "Besides, I think we were going to go out to dinner before the cocktail party."

"Makes sense. I'm starving and appetizers just aren't going to cut it," Janet agreed.

Sam smiled. "Although I have to drop this off." She held up Nick's card.

"You're going to give it away?"

Sam shrugged. "Well, I was thinking more of making a copy of it," she said. She clasped the card between both hands and Janet laughed.

"You were so pathetic."

"I was not."

"Oh please. Standing there, with your mouth open. I would KILL for a picture," the doctor teased.

Sam made a face, mock charging her friend. Both women broke into a jog, hurrying across the parking lot just as the bus opened its doors, the tour goers filing out, their hands full of camera cases. "I outrank you by at least three weeks," Sam threatened, standing beside Janet.

"And I can ground your ass in an instant," Janet said, frowning when the last person filed off the bus. "Umm, this is the right bus, isn't it?"

"I thought so," Sam said. "Excuse me," she asked a man standing there. "I'm looking for three friends of mine. Guys-"

"Two white guys, one black guy," he said, his accent unmistakable.

"Yeah."

"They bailed in Queen Elizabeth Park."

"They did what?"

"Decided to leave the tour. I tried to talk them out of it, but, hey, they're adults. They wanna walk, they can walk," he finished with a shrug.

"Thanks," Sam said as he turned away, walking into the hotel.

"We're not gonna get dinner, are we?" Janet asked.

<><><><><>

Teal'c sighed, following Daniel Jackson up the steps and into the building. "I do not believe we shall find him in here," he said.

"This is the perfect place," Daniel said, reaching for his wallet and pulling out a bill. He paid for admission for the two of them, then led the way into the lobby of the aquarium. "It's not that big, maybe if we split up," he suggested.

"I find it hard to believe that O'Neill would seek shelter in a facility that requires a monetary contribution to gain admission," Teal'c said, looking around them. They'd been walking through the park for several hours and he had to admit that he was growing fatigued, and in need of sustenance.

"Who?" Daniel Jackson asked, walking off towards one of the exhibits. The aquarium was very large, comprise of both internal and external holding tanks. Teal'c followed him into a dimly lit area, the lighting evidentially meant to make the large tanks of aquatic creatures look even more dramatic.

"Colonel O'Neill," Teal'c said. "The person we are searching for."

He turned back to face Teal'c, a strange expression on his face. "Oh," he said softly.

"Daniel Jackson?"

"I thought we were looking for Nemo."

<><><><><>

The cab pulled up outside the hotel and Jack dug for his wallet, shoving a couple of bills into the driver's hands before climbing out of the car. He glanced at his watch and cursed under his breath. He was so late. They were going to kill him.

He walked into the hotel and quickly made his way to his room. "Sorry I'm late, guys," he apologized as he opened the door. Greeted only by a dark silence, he snapped on the light, frowning into the empty room. "Yeah, so much for loyalty," he said, more than a little hurt at have been forgotten.

Since he was there, he took the chance to freshen up a bit, using the facilities and washing up a bit before scribbling a quick note. Less than half an hour later, he left the hotel and started walking. He'd just go grab his own dinner, and maybe, if he was lucky, he'd run into his friends along the way.

<><><><><>

"Pull over," Janet ordered.

"What?"

"Pull over," her friend insisted. Sam complied, earning herself more than a few angry honks on the horn.

"What's wrong?"

"There's a McDonald's," the doctor said, pointing down the street.

"Yeah, they're like roaches, they're everywhere."

"I don't care. I'm hungry. Pull in there."

"Janet, we're supposed to be meeting the guys for dinner," Sam protested.

"That was three hours ago. I don't think we're gonna make it," Janet said, her frustration at the futility of their self-appointed mission plain. They'd been driving for hours, trying to retrace the tour's path-information they'd gotten from one of the convention organizers-- hoping to stumble across their missing friends, all to no avail.

"Ok," Sam agreed, carefully pulling back out into traffic. "I wish I'd brought my cell phone."

"That would only do us any good if they also had theirs," Janet said.

"True, but at least we could call the hotel and see if they've returned." She pulled into the restaurant's parking lot and turned off the car. "I guess we might as well head back to the hotel," she said. "Like you said, they're big boys."

"Teal'c's been on Earth long enough to take care of himself," Janet reassured her friend.

"It's not Teal'c I'm worried about," Sam said, climbing out of the car.

"Really?"

"Janet…remember Quantum Leap? Doctor Beckett's 'Swiss Cheese Memory'?"

"Yeah."

"Right now, Daniel's worse."

<><><><><>

"I'm sorry, Teal'c," Daniel said, walking dejectedly out of the aquarium.

"It is of no consequence, Daniel Jackson," he soothed.

"I feel so stupid."

"You were merely confused, that is something Doctor Fraiser predicted would happen as you endeavor to regain your memory."

Daniel shrugged, his friend's words doing little to ease his feelings. "What do we do now?"

"Murray!" Daniel turned to see two women hurrying towards him, waving enthusiastically. "Sugar, I was hoping you'd come back this year."

Teal'c smiled, welcoming the women. "Trish, Libya, I am most pleased to see you."

"T…Murray?" Daniel asked.

"Do you not recall, Daniel Jackson. We met these women two years ago."

"Oh. Ok, right. If you say so."

"Where's your friend?" Trish asked. "Jonas with the tattoos."

"Jonas Quinn was unable to attend this year. Daniel Jackson came in his place."

"I remember. In the Thirsty Turtle, two years ago," Trish prompted.

"If you say so," Daniel repeated with a shrug.

"We are in need of transportation," Teal'c said.

"All you got to do is ask," Trish said, moving to hook her arm with Teal'c's as Libya did the same to Daniel. "You guys game for something to eat on the way back?"

<><><><><>

Jack sat on the sofa, staring idly as the people filed past him, chattering amongst themselves, cameras and bags clutched in their hands. So far this was turning out to be one of the suckiest weekends ever…and it was just Friday.

He still didn't know where Daniel and Teal'c were, or Carter and Fraiser for that matter. He'd left a message on the women's phone, but had gotten no response, which was why he was sitting in the hallway early Friday morning, watching the con-goers file past him in a moderately organized stampede for seats, hoping that they would be among them.

"Sue, come on," one of them urged.

"Yam and I are sitting in the back, we're in no hurry," the woman said, striding slowly down the corridor. Her friends shrugged and picked up the pace, hurrying into the room.

Jack watched as the crowd dwindled, a pair of familiar faces not among them. Rolling his eyes in frustration, he got to his feet. Maybe he'd call their room again.

He headed back to the lobby, coming to a halt when he saw two of his missing team members walking towards him, shadowed by two scruffy looking men and a couple members of the convention staff. "Colonel," Carter said, smiling. "I'm glad to see you made it back, sir."

"Carter, Doc," Jack acknowledged.

"Colonel O'Neill, I didn't know you were here," one of the men said, frowning.

Jack stared at him. "Ray?" he said finally.

"Right. And you remember Nick."

"Of course, how could I forget Nick," Jack said, forcing a smile on his face. He remembered the actor all too well, in fact the man had driven him slightly batty with all his 'how does the real Air Force do things' chatter. "I didn't think you liked doing these things."

"He doesn't," Ray said.

"The charming Major Carter convinced me that I should give it a try," Nick said.

"Charming?" Jack asked.

Carter had the grace to shrug slightly. "They're waiting for you on stage," one of the con organizers prompted.

"Right, can't keep the audience waiting now can we?" Ray asked, punching him playfully on the arm.

"Ow," Nick whined. "No, no we can't," he agreed, rubbing his injured arm. They walked down the hall, leaving Sam and Janet behind with Jack.

"It looks like you ladies are having fun," Jack quipped.

"We've had a good time, sir. How about you?" Janet asked.

"Other than getting stood up and abandoned, it was great," Jack groused. "Have you seen Daniel or Teal'c yet?"

"No, sir. I thought they were with you," Sam said.

"They were on the tour."

"They left the tour. They never made it back here," Janet said.

Jack looked at the pair, a sinking feeling developing in the pit of his stomach. "Oh crap," he muttered.

<><><><><>

Sam strode back down the carpeted hall of the hotel, eternally grateful that Nick and Ray were still on stage which meant that the halls were nice and empty. "Nothing, sir," she said, making her way to Jack. "Janet's checking out the local cab company but…"

"It's a big city," he said.

"Yeah." She sighed and shrugged. "At least Teal'c and Daniel have been here before. It's not like it's a complete and total alien….strange city to them."

He shot her a look. "Remind me why in the hell we came back here," he requested, shoving his fingers through his hair.

"Orders," she suggested lamely, having the grace to blush as he rolled his eyes. "Lemme guess, no luck?" Jack said as Janet joined them.

"I'm afraid not, sir," she said. "But even if they didn't take a cab, there's always the bus, or they could even be walking."

"There you are." Sam turned to see Ray and Nick walking down the hall, flanked by convention personnel.

"Nick. Ray."

"We were just headed to the room to do some autographs and pictures," Ray said.

"Ya gotta come with us," Nick said, moving close to them. "There's all these women," he whispered loudly.

"They won't hurt you," Sam said.

"There's so many of them," he insisted, reaching out to grab her arm.

"You'll be ok," Sam soothed, shooting Jack a helpless look. "We've got something we need to take care of."

"Actually, Carter. Don't worry about it," Jack said.

"Sir?"

"You and Fraiser have fun. I'll track down the boys."

Sam shook her head, trying to break Nick's grasp. "Sir, that really isn't necessary-"

"Oh, but I insist," he said, stepping away. "Have fun, I'll catch up with you guys later."
He turned on his heel and made his way down the hall, leaving Sam and Janet no other choice but to follow Nick and Ray into the autograph room

<><><><><>

"I hope I didn't forget anything," Daniel said, juggling the shopping bags in his hands as he walked out of the mall and onto the city sidewalks.

"I sincerely doubt that, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said, similarly burdened by bags.

"I'm sorry, Teal'c, I just…things were on sale," he enthused. "And it'd been so long since I went shopping."

"I understand. However, I am uncertain how you will return to Colorado Spring with these items while still maintaining the baggage limitations enforced by the airline."

Daniel paused, not hearing the curses muttered by passersby as they milled around them. "You can ship it," Trish said, putting on her sunglasses. "Any place else you guys need to go?" she asked, leading the way to where she'd parked her car.

After picking them up from the park last night, she'd taken them to a local restaurant, then, confronted by a ten car pile up on the highway, decided to let them crash at her apartment until morning.

"We probably better get back," Daniel said.

"Indeed, O'Neill has likely noticed our absence by now."

Daniel frowned, making a face. "He's not going to be too happy will he?"

"Oh he'll get over it," Trish said. "As long as some of what's in those bags is for him."

They continued to walk down the sidewalk, the exit they'd taken from the mall being a block or so from the entrance to the parking garage. It was a lovely, warm fall day, astonishingly warm considering how far north they were.

Daniel closed his eyes for a second, trusting on his hearing to guide his way as he surrendered himself to the welcome feeling of sun and wind on his face. Even though he had no real memories of his time among the ascended, he had a feeling that he'd missed the simple things in life, sun, home, family.

He did know for sure that he felt a renewed sense of appreciation, not for the fancy stuff, but the feeling of soft cotton sheets, the taste of fresh coffee, the smell of sea air, the sound of traffic and other people.

That was one reason he'd pushed so hard to join his friends on this trip. He remembered being here before, and he remembered having a good time during the trip. He wanted this time with them, time to get reacquainted with the rest of SG-1, away from the pressures of the SGC and the odd looks from the other personnel.

He wanted to see if he could recapture those good times and pleasant memories.

So far, it seemed to have worked out pretty well. He'd had fun last night with Trish and Teal'c, the woman's captivation with his Jaffa friend affording him time to simply sit there, not feeling like a third wheel, but a welcome observer.

"Hey!" A loud voice pulled him from his reverie and his eyes shot open. He stared in amazement at the people that surrounded him. "The barricades are there for a reason," the man said, staring at him angrily.

"I'm sorry-"

"You blew that take," the man ranted as Daniel's eyes scanned his surroundings, recognizing the unmistakable signs of a television production. "Do you have any idea how much it costs to do this?" the man continued.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Yeah, you're sorry. Sorry doesn't pay my bills, or meet my deadline. We put barricades out for a reason. Is it too freaking difficult to just walk around?"

"No harm was meant," Teal'c said, moving to stand by his side, shamelessly using his bulk to intimidate the man.

"Yeah, he's sorry," Trish said.

"Sorry!" His face colored, turning an ominous shade of red.

"Ed, chill out," a woman ordered, walking over to the quartet. "Kevin blew his lines anyway."

"These two-"

"Ed," she interrupted. "We're going to reset and do it again. Frank could use your help." Taking the hint, the man turned and walked away, joining the gathering of people around the cameras aimed towards the center of the square. "I'm sorry. He's grumpy today," she apologized, smiling at Daniel as she swung her head, her pink and black hair oddly enough fitting in quite well with her burgundy jumpsuit.

"I really…I didn't mean to mess things up," Daniel apologized. "I just…"

"It's ok," she soothed. "This is TV, not brain surgery. Ed just needs to take a break."

"Hey, you gonna chat with the tourists or come do your job?"

She turned, waving to acknowledge the director. "Looks like I have to get back to work. It was nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Daniel said as she turned and hurried back to the set. He watched her go, staring until she disappeared into the jumble of people.

"Daniel Jackson." Teal'c laid his hand on his shoulder. "We need to return to the hotel."

"Yeah, right," he said, glancing one last time over his shoulder before he followed them around the barricades and into the parking garage where they'd left Trish's car. He definitely needed to watch more TV.

<><><><><>

Sam took a look at the seemingly endless line and pasted a smile on her face, slipping away from the table to step out into the courtyard of the hotel. Spying Janet and Ray seated at a table, she made her way over to them, gratefully sliding into the wrought iron chair. She leaned back, closing her eyes and covering her face with her hands. "Having fun?" Janet quipped.

Sam lowered her hands and stared balefully at her friend, fighting the urge to kick her as a grin creased her face. "It's not funny," Sam protested, not enjoying Janet gaining such amusement at her expense.

"Nick is a high maintenance kind of guy," Ray excused.

"High maintenance? I've taken care of teenagers that were less needy than him."

Ray chuckled. "He's just a big kid at heart. Put him in front of a camera and he'll work until he falls over. He's just really, really shy."

"You know, it's amazing how many introverts are actors," Janet said. "You'd think it'd be the other way around."

Ray shrugged. "I thought all doctors are supposed to be grumpy old men."

Janet quirked her head, conceding the point. "Can't judge a book."

"Yep."

One of the con staff poked their head through the door. "Major Carter, he's asking for you. Ray, there's a lady who'd like a picture."

"Duty calls," he said, getting to his feet. He waved Sam to sit back down. "Take a break, he's a big boy."

"He's nice," Sam said, nodding towards the photo room as she reached for a bottle of water and twisted off the cap.

"He's gay," Janet said, her droll words making Sam spit out the swig of water she'd just drank.

"What?" she asked, coughing.

Janet nodded. "Yep. I sure know how to pick them."

Sam reached for a napkin, blotting her shirt. "Oh god," she said, her eyes growing wide.

"What?"

"Daniel. Does he aah…does?"

"No," Janet shook her head. "And we're not gonna tell him."

Sam nodded, agreeing. She focused through the large plate glass windows, watching as Ray smiled widely at a couple of female fans, wrapping his arms around their waists as they posed for a picture. "He is adorable," Sam said.

Janet nodded. "And a real sweetheart."

<><><><><>

"Sit," Jack said, ushering Daniel and Teal'c into the auditorium. They took their seats and he sat down beside them, threatening with a glare to do them bodily injury if they even thought about getting too far away from him.

"You two even think of leaving my sight, I'm going to lock you in the room," he threatened putting his thoughts into words.

"A place we would remain only if we so desired," Teal'c said drolly, his tolerant stare neatly defusing Jack's threat.

Jack shrugged, acknowledging that short of shackling them to the wall, they only stayed where they wanted to stay.

"Janet and Sam have been running all over the city, you're not picking on them," Daniel whined, his hands wrapped around a paper cup of coffee he'd smuggled into the room. Jack had no idea what exactly was making his friend this grumpy. Daniel and Teal'c had returned to the hotel early Friday evening in the company of a friendly black woman and both burdened by bulging shopping sacks. After grilling them for half an hour and finally taking Teal'c's word that they hadn't gotten up to anything other than getting stuck on the other side of town, they'd tracked down Carter and Fraiser and went out to dinner.

The women had been full of excitement about their afternoon chaperoning the stars while Teal'c tried to make sightseeing and shopping sound like a good time. Daniel, surprisingly enough, had been the most quiet of them, driving Jack nuts by checking his watch every fifteen minutes. He'd been noticeably grumpy, seemingly in a vast hurry to get back to the room and do nothing for the rest of the evening but lay on the bed and channel surf.

In the end, he'd only gone to bed after both Jack and Teal'c threatened severe bodily injury and confiscated the remote. Even now, he seemed obsessed with the television and it hadn't have been for the fact that Jack had no desire at all to spend the whole day in their room, that's where they'd be right now, if for no other reason than to keep Daniel happy.

"Carter and Fraiser are here on their own time," Jack said, dismissing his friend's odd behavior as he leaned back as far as he could in the narrow chair. He'd get over it. "And neither of them are: a) from an alien planet, or b) spent a year imitating a glow in the dark octopus," he muttered, sighing as the house lights dimmed and the emcee walked out onto the stage.

Knowing that it was a futile gesture, he closed his eyes, ignoring the yells and screams of the ladies around him, jumping to their feet as the next guest walked onto the stage. All of a sudden, being trapped in a room with a channel surfing archaeologist didn't seem all THAT bad.

<><><><><>

"So, what's up with them?" Janet asked, glancing over her shoulder at her three team mates during a short break in the program. The boys were several rows back and just barely visible in the dim light of the auditorium.

Sam shrugged. "I think the colonel took them to task for going AWOL yesterday."

"What did they do?"

"From what I can gather, after they gave up on finding the colonel, they went sightseeing, then ran into an old friend of Teal'c's. That's where they spent the night."

"Why didn't they call?"

"I don't know," Sam said. "Anyway, he's bound and determined that it won't happen again, so they're on a short leash, especially until after the auction tonight."

"Aah," Janet said knowingly. "Still stinging from last year?"

Sam nodded. "Oh yeah. I think General Hammond's exact words were if anything was bought tonight, it was not going to come out of his operating budget like he had to do for Jonas last year," Sam said, referring to the thousand dollar prop Jonas had bought from the auction. True, the general had been seen, more than once, sitting in it, but Sam also knew that he'd had a hard time finding a way to disguise it in the SGC's operating budget. In the end, he'd ended up giving Jonas a raise in his stipend, only to then confiscate the money from the alien to pay for the prop.

Of course, the man's plan did backfire on him in the end. Since he'd paid for it, Jonas decided that it was his and had it sent to Kelowna with the rest of his belongings.

"Speaking of," Janet said. "Have you seen General Hammond lately?"

Sam frowned. "You know, now that you mention it…I haven't seen him since Thursday."

"Me neither."

"I hope he's ok."

Sam shook her head. "He's a big boy. Besides, checking in with two lowly majors probably isn't high on his list. I'm sure the colonel knows where he is."

"Maybe we should ask him," Janet said, as the emcee stepped out onto the stage and the lights dimmed again. "Later."

"Later," Sam agreed.

<><><><><>

Daniel flopped onto the bed, the TV remote clutched in his hand. Ignoring Jack's heavy sigh, he turned on the set and started flipping through the channels, stopping only long enough to wait through various commercials until he could see the show that was playing.

"Daniel, would you please pick A show. Any show, just pick ONE of them," Jack said, lounging in one of the chairs in the suite. Daniel ignored him, continuing to surf.

"Teal'c-"

"Jack, you want us to stay in this room, I'm gonna watch TV. You don't like it, leave," the archaeologist said, barely glancing away from the screen.

"Indeed, O'Neill," Teal'c said, sitting cross legged on the bed. "We remain sequestered at your request."

Jack snorted. "You two ran around Vancouver for over twenty-four hours…without a single phone call I may add," he reminded.

"We were looking for you. The one that wandered away from the tour without a single word," Daniel said.

"Daniel Jackson has a valid point. Was it not for your lack of responsible behavior, we would not have left the tour in search of you. Therefore if you wish to lay blame for our actions, I would suggest you first look at yourself," Teal'c said.

Jack stared at the pair, finally rolling his eyes and scrubbing his hands over his face. "Ok, fine. You have a point. House arrest is lifted. Just for god's sake, do NOT go near the auction or spend any more money," he requested. "Do you have any idea how much paperwork I'm going to have to fill out to account for your last spree?"

"We shall restrain ourselves, O'Neill. Will we not, Daniel Jackson?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, yeah. I'm done shopping," Daniel said, still ceaselessly flipping through the channels. "Besides, what's the big deal? I used my own card. I have a year's salary to burn."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"You do?"

"Do what?"

"Got a year's back pay?"

"Yeah. Although I had to cough up income tax. Vanishing for a year does wonders for your financial situation." He frowned, cruising through the channels for the tenth time since they'd come into the room. "Damnit, why isn't it on?"

"Why isn't what on?"

Daniel looked at him and frowned, shaking his head. "Doesn't matter."

"I believe Daniel Jackson is looking for a television program we saw being filmed whilst we explored Vancouver."

"Really? What show?"

"That's the problem," Daniel sighed.

"We were not able to ascertain precisely which television program it was."

"Aah," Jack said. "Did you notice which company it was?"

"We did not, O'Neill?"

"Ok, do you remember where and when?"

"Robson Square, Friday Afternoon," Daniel said.

"Let me make some calls when we get back to the mountain. Since they were taping in the city, they had to have permits. I know a friend of a friend that can make a call, find out which show was taping there," Jack offered.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Jack answered. He rolled his wrist, looking at his watch. "Look, I don't know about you two, but I'm starved. Wanna walk over to Boston Pizza, grab something to eat? The food was pretty good last time."

"That sounds good," Daniel said, turning off the TV and getting to his feet. "Teal'c?"

"I do not recall eating at this restaurant before."

"That's because you were drunk, T," Jack said, standing up and slipping on his jacket. "Order a Caesar and I'll break your hands."

<><><><><>

"Oh…my…god," Janet breathed, staring in amazement at the spectacle going on before her.

"That's what's under those robes?" Sam said, her eyes fixated on the stage.

"Apparently."

"Wow."

"Yeah. You know, as a doctor, I can say, that is one fine looking ass," she diagnosed, her voice slipping into a slight southern drawl. She stood up, ignoring the angry words from the women in the row behind them.

Just in front of the stage, an actor wiggled his BVD covered butt, his slacks pooled around his ankles. "Come on, ladies. Are you just going to let Doogie's …umm…sacrifice be in vain?" he persuaded, standing beside the man. "What I have here is four, yes FOUR tickets to a tour of the Wormhole X-Treme set." Doogie, still facing towards the stage and away from the audience turned on his mic. "The first person that pays one thousand dollars for these tickets will not only get the tour, for a bargain price I may add, they will also get the once in a life time opportunity to lay your hand, and only your hands, on Dark Helmet's ass," he said, giving the body part in question an enticing wiggle.

"One thousand," Sam yelled, raising her hand.

"Sam," Janet protested. "You've seen the set already."

"Ten fifty," a woman across the room shouted.

"Eleven hundred," Sam countered.

"Eleven fifty."

"Twelve," Sam yelled, narrowing her eyes.

"Twelve fifty."

"Fifteen hundred," Sam shouted, shooting the woman a quelling look.

"Fifteen. I have fifteen hundred dollars. Do I hear fifteen fifty?" the emcee called, looking around the room. One woman stood up and Sam turned, staring her down. She stared for a minute, then lowered her eyes and sat back down. "Fifteen hundred going once…twice…SOLD to the…passionate young lady in the fifth row."

Sam triumphantly got to her feet, rubbing her hands together. "Sam." Janet reached out and grabbed her friend's arm. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm gonna go grab his ass."

"Why?"

"Because I paid damn good money to do so. Wanna join me?"

"Sam I…" Janet protested, her attention diverted by the sight of Doogie waving his firm, muscular tush, looking over his shoulder.

"Let's not take all day, ladies," the emcee chided. "We have things to sell and money to raise."

"Wait for me," Janet said, getting to her feet. She followed Sam up the aisle and towards the waiting man.

"Hi," Doogie said.

"Hi aah," Sam stuttered, her face coloring.

"Touch yes, pinch no," he instructed. "Ya ain't gonna break it. But you better not leave a mark that I have to explain to my wife."

Sam laughed as she and Janet took up their places and gently laid their hands on the cotton clad surface. "So, Sam, what exactly are you going to do with four tickets to see some place you've been three times?" Sam stopped, frowning for a minute before a slightly evil smile crossed her face. "What?"

"Never did get the boys a Christmas gift," she said.

<><><><><>

"This is not my idea of fun," Jack said, staring longingly down the hall of the hotel, towards the restaurant, complete with all you can eat breakfast bar.

"Jack, from what Janet said, Sam spent a lot of money on these tickets," Daniel said, cradling a paper cup of coffee in his hands that he'd purchased at the restaurant.

"She also spends a lot of money on her bike, and you don't see me lining up to crawl on the back of it," Jack shot back.

"Major Carter's gift is most heartfelt," Teal'c said.

"Yeah," Daniel agreed. "And believe me, there are a hundred other con goers that would kill to come on this tour. Did you know, they did an online auction, raised over ten thousand dollars auctioning off tickets."

"Good for them," Jack dismissed.

"Jack-"

"Daniel, it's 0730 Sunday morning. I should be in bed, or sitting on my deck, enjoying a nice cup of coffee while I read the funny paper, not lined up with a hundred…enthusiastic people, waiting to go look at a set I've already seen fifty times before," he ranted.

"You've been there before?" one of the women waiting asked.

"What's it like?" another asked.

"I hear that it looks just like it does on TV. I mean, the computers work and everything."

"Yeah, they said that the gate even spins. Do you think they'll spin it for us?" Jack took a step back, raising his hands to ward them off.

"Do you have pictures? We've got to take lots of pictures. Sel tried to get in on the auction, but she lost out at the last minute so she can't go." The woman jerked her thumb at another woman in their group.

"She did?" Jack asked, impulsively jumping on the opportunity.

"Jack? What are you doing?"

Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out two of the four badges he'd been given late last night. They'd returned from their dinner late last evening after lingering over a beer to watch the end of a hockey game at Boston Pizza to be greeted at the door by an excited pair of Air Force majors, bearing four very coveted tickets to a set tour and a certain degree of reluctance to specify exactly what they'd done to get them. "Have fun," he said, handing two of the badges over to the woman.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed. "Are you serious?"

Jack smiled and nodded. She squealed, grabbing his arm and wrapping her arms around his waist. She planted a loud kiss on his cheek, then let him go. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she enthused, turning back to her friends, the coveted tickets held over her head.

Jack shook his head and frowned, then turned to face Daniel. "Daniel, keep an eye on Murray. Murray, keep an eye on Daniel. Do not leave the group, return here in one piece. I'm going to go have me a nice, relaxing breakfast and read the paper." Jack spun on his heel, stalking out of the lobby and towards their room, suddenly deciding that he wasn't in the mood to eat in the restaurant. Room service would suit him just fine…room service and privacy.

<><><><><>

"This is crazy," Janet complained, yawning as Sam took the exit and left the highway.

"No, it's not," Sam said.

"It's 0700, Monday morning, and we're fighting the rush hour traffic to Coquitlam so that you can buy donuts."

"Not just donuts, Krispy Kremes," Sam corrected, quickly changing lanes so that she could take the correct exit to get across the bridge.

"They're donuts. Lovely little artery clogging bits of dough with a hole in the middle and sugar on top."

Sam growled. "We're on vacation. Diets don't count."

"What exactly are you going to do with the donuts anyway?"

"Take a dozen back for the boys, and I though I'd drop some off for Mo. Sort of a going away present."

"Really?"

"Yeah. A thank you for the tour Thursday. Besides, I have it on good authority that General Hammond happens to love donuts. We can make it up to him for abandoning him all weekend."

"Did you ever find out what he did all weekend?" Janet asked.

"Umm, no, actually. I got so excited about the auction, I forgot to ask the colonel about him," Sam admitted.

"Are you saying that we abandoned him?" Janet asked.

"What?"

"Well, I haven't seen him since Thursday, you haven't seen him since Thursday…"

Sam looked at her and frowned, then shook her head. "Surely the boys have seen him. He's rooming right down the hall from them." Janet stared at her, clearly skeptical. "We better make sure to get his favorite kind of donut."

"Yeah," the doctor agreed. "A dozen of his favorite."

"Maybe two."

<><><><><>

"I cannot believe you lost the general!" Jack ranted, his voice echoing off the marble floors of the hotel lobby.

"Lost? Since when were we in charge of him…sir?" Sam said, her hands going to her hips.

"He was rooming right down the hall from you," Janet reminded.

"So was half the population of the 'my reality check bounced' fan club," he said, his words earning him more than a few glares from the various con participants who were either checking out or just hanging around in the lobby.

"Jack," Daniel warned.

"The last time we saw him was Thursday, how about you guys?" Janet asked, trying to defuse the situation a bit.

"Thursday, before the locations tour," Daniel confirmed.

"And he hasn't been in his room?" Sam asked.

"Not according to housekeeping," Jack said.

"He's never been in Vancouver before, where could he go?" Sam asked.

"You're presuming that he left of his own accord," Jack said.

"Do you suggest that General Hammond's disappearance has nefarious origins?" Teal'c asked.

"It's not like it's never happened before," Jack said seriously, shooting Sam an apologetic look.

"True," Sam agreed. "But General Hammond doesn't quite have the…appeal that others do," she said, her words full of double meaning.

They were all gathered in the lobby having all checked out of their rooms in time to catch the shuttle back to the airport in time for their flight back to Colorado Springs. It was then that they discovered one vital thing…General Hammond was missing.

Jack groaned, running his hands through his hair. "I gotta find a secure phone. Call the base, call the boss." His emphasis on the word telling them that 'boss' as the man with Mister and President in his title.

"I do not believe our failure to notice his absence for this length of time will be received well," Teal'c observed.

"Oh ya think?" Jack quipped. "Stay here," he instructed. "Anybody even thinks about leaving this lobby, I will tie you to a chair." He spun on his heel, turning towards the front desk.

"Jack?"

"Daniel-"

"Colonel!"

Jack turned back to them. "What?"

Daniel didn't say a word, simply pointing towards the front door. Jack turned, staring in amazement as the missing general ambled through the sliding door, whistling softly as he pulled a pair of sunglasses off his round face. He looked tanned, rested, and disgustingly happy. "Is it time to leave already?" he asked.

"Um, aah, yeah, sir," Jack stuttered.

Hammond nodded. "It'll just take me a few minutes to pack," he said, turning on his heel and leaving the lobby.

Jack stared after him for a minute, then turned back to his team. "Is it my imagination or…"

"Oh yeah," Daniel said.

"Aahah," Sam agreed.

"Definitely," Janet said.

"I believe General Hammond has indeed gained much enjoyment from this weekend," Teal'c said.

"That dog," Jack said, grinning slyly.

<><><><><>

"So, what'd he say?" Sam asked as Jack joined her, Daniel and Teal'c at a table in the commissary.

"Nothing," Jack said, leaning forward and wrapping his hands around a mug of coffee. "All he'll say is that he had a great time. Although I did catch him looking online at air fare to Texas."

"Texas?"

"Perhaps General Hammond desires to visit his state of origin?" Teal'c asked.

Jack snorted. "Whatever." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocked. "Got an answer for you, Daniel."

"For what?" Daniel asked, unfolding the paper.

"The show. It's some sci-fi piece of junk called Andromeda. That's what was taping in Robson Square that day. If you watch the show, you can probably figure out who the actress was."

"Wow, thanks, Jack." Daniel smiled.

"Anytime."

Daniel finished off his waffles and took a drink of his orange juice. "If there's as many fan sites about Andromeda as there is for Wormhole X-Treme, I should have no trouble finding an address. Maybe I can look them up next year." He paused, frowning at Jack. "You know, you never did say where you went that Thursday."

"What?"

"That Thursday when you vanished. You never did say where you went."

"Yeah, I did."

"No, you didn't."

"Did."

"Did not."

"Did."

"You did not, O'Neill," Teal'c said.

"What difference does it make?" Jack asked.

"Colonel O'Neill." Jack turned to see Sargent Siler walking into the commissary. "I have a delivery for you, sir." He handed him a large envelope. "Special delivery, all the way from Vancouver. That cost someone some money."

"Vancouver?" Daniel asked. "Got a fan club, Jack?"

Jack shrugged, tearing the envelope open. "If this is a bill, I'm going to take it out of your hide," he threatened.

He reached in and pulled out a large color picture. A small slip of paper fluttered to the table and Sam reached in, grabbing it before he could get it. "'Enjoy, Mike'," she read.

"Who's Mike?" Daniel asked.

"That is not a picture of a male," Teal'c said.

"No," Sam said. "That's umm…oh what's her name? She was in a movie."

"That is Mary Steenburgen," Teal'c said.

"Really?" Daniel asked, craning his neck to see the picture. "Well, it looks like she knows Jack." Sam raised her eyebrows. "'Jack, what a fun afternoon. Let me know if you're ever in town again, we'll do lunch'," he read.

"Lunch?" Sam asked, fighting laughter.

Daniel nodded. "Lunch," he said, accentuating the word.

"Grow up," Jack growled, grabbing the paper from Sam and getting to his feet. He stalked out of the room, leaving his team mates behind.

Daniel watched him go, then picked up his mug of coffee. "He is so going back next year."

"Oh yeah," Sam agreed.

"Indeed," Teal'c intoned.

~Fin~

Wormhole X-Treme
Season Three

Into the frying Pan - Budget cuts threaten the base, only a chili cook off can save the day

Beth - Danning's ex-wife returns

Fair Ball - Treaty negotiations break down, and the fate of the universe rests on the outcome of a baseball game

O Say Can You See - Levant picks up an alien parasite and starts to have hallucinations

Bell Curve - aliens pit Stacy against Danning in a battle of wits, with Earth's survival in the balance

Pint of Shampoo - Stacy's gonna wash that man right outta her hair

Being Dead's a Bitch - A clerical error lists Levant as dead. Can he unravel it in time to save his paycheck?

Angels - a once in a lifetime multi network crossover featuring guest stars Della Reese and Roma Downey

Mules of Engagement - borrowing a pair of slippers gets Danning in over his head

The Never-ending story - Levant is trapped in a time loop

Gimme a Present - It's Stacy's birthday…will Danning give her her heart's desire?

Hole in our Memories - the team returns to Earth with amnesia. Can they remember in time to save earth?

Grell, you little devil - Grell touches an alien artifact and shrinks in size, right at the peak of his mating cycle

Toehold - microscopic aliens invade the base and gives everyone a bad case of athlete's foot

Past Tense - The team goes back to the past…can they save their future, our present?

Urges - Alien influence strikes again…can they control their carnal urges long enough to save Earth?

100 Ways - Marooned, all alone, on an alien planet, Danning and Monroe find a way to pass time

Shades of Silver - Danning mysteriously grows old, can he be saved before he faces mandatory retirement?

Underground - with the elevators down, the team struggles to reach the surface

Paternal Instinct - After touching an alien artifact, Levant gets pregnant. Is the child the savior of the universe, or a horrible new threat?

Crystal Mall - With Levant's pregnancy progressing, he needs new clothes

Emesis - It's the second trimester and morning sickness is still an issue. Can he be cured before it costs him his life?

Feedback:sky_diver119@yahoo.com

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