Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

"No. No. No. No. And in case you didn't hear me H.." Jack paused, seeing Hammond's steely gaze. "Heck no, sir," he said, his voice lowering.

"I can understand your reluctance, Colonel. And after reviewing the reports from last year, I have to admit I share it. However, my orders are crystal clear." The older, balding man slid four folders across the large oak table. "Someone, and I have no idea who," the man muttered. "Was so impressed by your...performance last year that they have asked for you to attend Wormcon again this year and speak in your capacity as the show's military advisor."

"General. I'm sorry. I tried to not," Jack said, breaking off as he realized what he was admitting. "Aren't we too busy, sir? Surely there's some impending disaster or something. If not I'm sure Carter could rig one up."

"Sir," Sam protested.

Hammond sighed and shot Jack a quelling look. "You're going, Jack. That's final." He got to his feet. "You leave tomorrow morning. And Colonel, keep Teal'c away from the clamato juice this time." Shaking his head, the general retreated into his office. Through the glass window, Jack could see him reach into his lower desk drawer and bent over, obviously tipping something into his coffee cup.

With a nod of his head, Jack ushered his team out of the briefing room. "What exactly is Wormcon?" Jonas asked, flipping through the folder.

"It's a convention," Sam said, a suspicious bounce in her steps.

"Convention?"

"A gathering of like minded individuals. In this case, all fans of the show Wormhole Extreme," Teal'c explained.

"OH. Wow. I've watched that show. Have you guys noticed something familiar about it? I mean, it sorta reminds me of us," he said, not catching Jack's rolling eyes and Sam's smothered grin.

"Teal'c will explain it all to you," Jack said, picking up the pace and walking away. "Wheels up at Peterson at 0800," he called over his shoulders.

Sam looked at her watch. "Oh. I have to go pack. Catch up with you guys in the morning," she said, taking off at a jog.

"Aah.." Jonas turned to Teal'c. "She didn't."

"Jonas Quinn?"

"Well, what color do we wear?" he asked plaintively.

Teal'c grinned slightly; his chocolate eyes alight with amusement. "I shall show you, Jonas Quinn." He threw his arm over Jonas' shoulder, not noticing the man oomphing a bit at the sudden weight. "Come to my quarters."

<><><><><>

Janet sat at her desk, writing in a chart. She looked up as someone walked in and shut the door. "Sam? What's going on?"

Sam bounced across the room and did a little jig in front of the desk. "We're going," she said, her face split in a wide grin.

"Really?"

Sam nodded, moving her arms in an imitation of a mamba. "Orders came in. Colonel O'Neill has to speak at the con, and we're going." She laughed and high fived the doctor.

"How the hell did you pull that one off? I thought the JCS were embarrassed at what happened last year."

"Oh they were. But...Uncle Fitz will do anything for his little Sammie," she said.

"Uncle Fitz?"

"He's a friend of my Uncle Irving. Old drinking buddies. Who used to…get...funky when they drank. And when you mix that with a precocious 10 year old girl with a Polaroid camera." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Janet shook her head. "So. When do we go?"

"Wheels up at 0800," Sam said, flouncing towards the door. "I gotta go home and get my pants. Do not forget Ray's jacket," she tossed over her shoulder.

<><><><><>

Jack walked into the hotel room, Jonas and Teal'c hot on his heels. "Aahah," he said as Jonas set his bag down on the first bed. "You get the one by the window."

"Ok," the Kelownan said, moving his stuff.

"Is there anything requiring our presence, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, placing his bag on the floor by the sliding glass door. They'd been given a ground floor room that looked out into the courtyard and swimming pool.

"Today? No," Jack said, checking his watch. "We've been booked on the locations tour though." Jack held up three tickets. "They said it'd be a good way to see a bit of the city."

"Location?" Jonas asked, bouncing on his bed.

'Locations, places where they shoot outside," Jack explained.

"I wonder if we'll get to see the beach from Water and Fire or maybe the hospital from Thin Man," he enthused.

"I dunno," Jack said, rolling his eyes. "Look, It's almost 2200 at home. I need food. Let's go get some dinner and turn in. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day."

<><><><><>

"Wait, wait, turn here," Sam instructed from the passenger seat. She held on tight as Janet took a quick look, then twisted the wheel, nearly taking the turn on two wheels.

"Can I have a little more warning next time," Janet complained, wincing at the dirty looks from the other drivers.

"Sorry. This is not the best map in the world."

"That's ok. How far away are we?"

"Umm...I think…there it is." Sam pointed out the large forested area correctly identified as Stanley Park. "Told you we'd find it."

"Right. Only three wrong turns and two bridges later," Janet groused good naturedly, parking their small rental car. Like Colonel O'Neill and the rest, they'd been offered location tour tickets, but they'd decided that they could do better on their own. So armed with a city map and a rental car, the two women had set off to explore Vancouver.

"So, they're filming here?" Sam asked, getting out of the car.

"Yeah. At least that's what the signs are supposed to mean." She pointed out a neon arrow nailed to a nearby light pole. The letters WX were stenciled on it; supposedly signifying that Wormhole X-treme was filming in this area.

"Well, let's go find out," Sam said, slinging her bag over her shoulder. She headed off in the direction of the arrow, Janet hurrying to catch up.

"What are we going to do when we find them?" the doctor asked, shoving her hands deeper into the pockets of her Ray Gunne autographed jacket.

Sam shrugged. "I don't know. Watch for a bit. I mean, haven't you ever wondered what it looks like to do a TV show?"

"Honestly...no."

"If what I read was right, they should be filming the finale right about now. Don't you want to see what happens?"

"I will. In March. In the comfort of my living room," Janet said.

"Janet."

"Sam, it's just...you didn't say anything about tramping through the woods. I thought we were going to drive around a bit, hit a mall or two and get back in time for the party tonight."

"Ok. I'll keep it short," Sam conceded, acknowledging that her friend's enthusiasm level didn't quite meet her own. "We'll give it another half hour, see if we can find anything, then go back to the car and head to the mall." They walked on for a few more minutes, Sam very grateful for her clunkier walking shoes. "You know what's weird," she asked her friend. "This looks just like PXY887," she remarked, taking in the old moss covered trees and dense undergrowth.

"Really? I thought it looked more like PJ2455," Janet said.

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah, that or P8X987."

"I don't know, I think it reminds me of." Sam broke off as they reached the edge of the treeline. In the clearing they could see several trailers and trucks, with people milling around in an amusing conglomeration of costumes and normal Earth dress. "Bingo," Sam said.

"This is it?"

"This is the circus. And where there's a circus, there's a show."

"What are we going to do now?"

Sam shrugged. "Lurk in the trees and hope they don't kick us out?" she suggested.

Janet rolled her eyes. "Sam."

"I don't want to get in the way. Why don't we see if we can get closer, maybe see something?" Janet agreed and the two women started making their way through the trees.

<><><><><>

Jack sat in the bus seat, biting back the rude remark as a fellow tour goer walked past, conking him on the back of his head with her hefty camera bag.

"Are you not coming, O'Neill," Teal'c asked.

"Nah. Seen one sulfur pit, seen them all. Keep an eye on Jonas," he ordered. Teal'c nodded and left, leaving Jack alone on the bus. He sat back, stretching out a bit, wincing as his bad knee protested being cooped up all day.

"Long day huh?" Jack turned in to see a woman sitting a couple of rows back.

"Yeah. Why aren't you--" He jerked his thumb towards the group of people gathered around a large pile of bright yellow sulfur.

"I was here last year," she excused. "Were you? I mean, you look familiar."

"Umm…no. I aah, wasn't," Jack said.

"Oh. That's too bad. We had a great time last year."

The group started to re-board the bus, talking animatedly amongst themselves as they found their seats and changed their film rolls.

"Isn't that amazing?" Jonas said, retaking his seat. "How they can make a pile of sulfur look like a whole other planet."

"Yeah, thrilling," Jack said, glancing at his watch again. Thank God the day was nearly over. He'd sat in intergalactic negotiations that were less tedious then the last eight hours had been. Actually, to be honest, the tour was fine, he got to see parts of Vancouver that he hadn't even known had existed. And it was sorta neat to see how they could use the magic of special effects to turn an ordinary building here on Earth into a palace on an alien planet. It was just being trapped in the company of 48 other people that was trying his patience.

"Well, we're due at the studio in about an hour," the tour guide said, glancing at her watch and reading off a crumpled piece of paper. "On the way, we're going to go right past Levant's apartment that you got to see in Holy Day when he hosted the rest of his team for Christmas Dinner." Excitement bubbled through the various tourists. "Now, the street is really narrow so we can't drive down it." People, including Jonas, moaned in disappointment. "What we can do is drive by the street that it's on. It's going to be up here in just a minute."

"And it's on the RIGHT side of the bus," a voice heckled, drawing a mish-mash of giggles and groans. Jack had to agree with her, most of the sights in their drive by tour had been on the right side of the bus. Grateful that he was seated on the far-left side, Jack watched Jonas jockey for position, trying to catch a shot of the building through the window of the bus. The pictures were taken and the bus continued winding its way towards Bridge Studios.

"You know, I'd swear I know you from somewhere," the woman said.

"I've just got one of those faces," Jack said, ignoring Teal'c's smug look.

"Perhaps she recognized you from last year, O'Neill," the Jaffa said, ignoring Jack's killing look.

"I thought you said you weren't here last year?"

"I wasn't."

"He was not attending the convention, rather he spoke," Teal'c said, his dark eyes mischievous.

"Murray, I am so gonna kick your--"

"Ooh. I know who you are!" she said loudly. "You're the military advisor right?"

"What?"

"Who is he?"

"I thought he looked familiar."

"Do you know Nick Marlowe?"

"Can I have your autograph?"

Jack cringed, fighting the urge to crawl under the seat to escape the onslaught of women.

"Hey, look, it's the studio!" The women abandoned him, piling off the bus and leaving Jack alone. Slowly straightening up Jack stared at the people gathered in front of the ten-foot tall chain link fence.

"Are you injured, O'Neill?"

"Fine, Teal'c. I'm just fine," Jack ground out. "No thanks to you."

"Wow, Colonel. They really like you," Jonas said.

Shooting him a dark look, Jack got to his feet. "I'm gonna get some air." He walked up the aisle and stepped off the bus, pausing to stretch. Beyond the milling people he could see members of the cast and crew walking back and forth on the lot. Occasionally one of them would look at the fence and Jack saw one of the security guards speak into her walkie-talkie.

A few minutes later, Dan Cray, who Jack recognized as the stunt coordinator came out. A production assistant followed him and they both paused to talk to the fans. Already having heard all the anecdotes the man was telling them, Jack wandered off, Teal'c following him.

Although he'd only been to the set a few times, he could tell that some of the people were gone, the circus being more empty space than white trailers. A couple of stunt people walked by, giving Jack a curious look.

"O'Neill, is that not a zatnikatel?" Teal'c asked quietly.

"What?"

"That man is wearing a zatnikatel."

"They don't use zats on the show, they use ray guns."

"Of that I am aware. However, that IS a zatnikatel."

Jack looked, studying closely. "Crap," he muttered, pushing his hands through his hair. The last time he'd visited the set, they'd just come back from off world, he hadn't even had time to change from his BDU's, or drop his zat off at the weapons locker.

"I was not aware that your advising for the show included the sharing of technology."

"It doesn't."

"Then what does this mean?"

"Hey, look what I got!" Jonas jogged towards them, a T-shirt in his hands. "They threw them over the fence. Isn't it cool?"

"It means I screwed up, and I have to fix it before anyone finds out," Jack said.

<><><><><>

"Why do I feel like I'm in some bad spy movie or something?" Janet asked, following Sam through the undergrowth.

"What do you mean?"

"We're sneaking around like stalkers," the doctor complained.

"We're not sneaking."

"We're not?"

"We're being discrete."

"Is that what they call it?"

"Janet. They're filming. We can't just barge onto their set and disrupt things," Sam said, looking over her shoulder at her friend as she broke through the undergrowth.

"CUT! Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, my god," Sam muttered, staring wide eyed at the large group of people staring right back at her.

"Ed, I thought you were supposed to be security?"

"What? I'm supposed to anticipate people walking out of the bushes and set up a 360 perimeter?"

"That'd be a nice place to start."

"Let's get out of here," Sam said, stepping backwards.

"No argument from me," Janet agreed.

"Hang on a second." One of the people left the group and walked towards them.

"I'm really sorry. We'll just leave," Sam apologized.

"Oh my god," Janet whispered.

"What?"

"You look familiar," the man said, walking up to them. He was dressed casually in civilian clothes, carrying a silver and black insulated cup.

"Janet?"

"Ray," she gasped out, clutching at Sam's sleeve.

"Ray?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out," the man quipped.

"Oh," Sam said, recognizing the man. "You're Doctor Levant?"

"Actually I'm Ray Gunne, I play Doctor Levant," he said, a broad grin on his face.

"We messed things up, we're sorry," Sam said while Janet stood silently beside her.

He snorted. "Please. Nick was just goofing off."

"Nick's here?" Sam said, clutching Janet's hand.

"Yeah. We're about to break for lunch. You want to meet him?"

"Umm…aah."

"She means yes," Janet said, pushing forward.

"Well, come on then," Ray invited, waving his arm. Sharing an amazed look, the two women followed him into the organized chaos.

<><><><><>

"How'd they get a hold of a zat?" Jonas asked, sitting down in the booth, his plate heaped with food from the buffet.

"Colonel O'Neill had it upon his person the last time he visited the set," Teal'c said, his plate just as full as Jonas'.

"Wow. That's pretty careless," Jonas said softly, eyeing the man in question who was at the buffet filling his plate. "I mean, it took them three months before they'd even let me leave the base, and they let him take stuff that isn't supposed to exist."

Teal'c didn't answer as Jack joined them. The colonel sat down and picked at his food, his face pensive. "Of what are you thinking, O'Neill?"

"I'm wondering how I can get back onto the set and get the zat," he said.

"Why don't you just ask them?" Jonas said.

"And have them know that they have a priceless piece of tech? We're lucky that no one's played with it and shot anyone."

"Then how will you reacquire the item?"

"I was thinking...security looked pretty lame," Jack said softly.

"You're going to break in?" Jonas asked loudly.

Jack held up a warning finger. "I do not believe that approach will be successful," Teal'c said.

"Look, I've seen their prop room. They have so much stuff they'll never even notice that it's gone," Jack reasoned. The Jaffa rolled his eyes and shared a knowing look with Jonas.

"We do not have transportation. How shall we get there?" Teal'c asked.

"There's a rental place in the hotel. I'll rent a car." Jack got up, throwing some money to cover the bill on the table. "I'm gonna go take care of a couple of things. We leave at 2200."

Teal'c and Jonas watched him leave. "I don't think this is going to work," Jonas said.

"I believe you are correct, Jonas Quinn," Teal'c said.

"What are we going to do? He won't listen to us."

"I shall attempt to make contact with Major Carter. If that does not succeed we shall...improvise."

<><><><><>

"Thanks guys. We'll meet you there," Janet said, waving goodbye as the car drove off. She turned to Sam; her eyes alight with anticipation. "I can't believe it. We're actually going out to dinner with them," she enthused, leading Sam into the hotel.

"Yeah," Sam said, frowning a bit.

"What's wrong?"

"I packed for three days in Canada, chaperoning aliens…not dinner in a nice restaurant," Sam said, making a face.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well, then there's just one thing to do."

"What?"

"Shopping," the doctor said in a singsong voice. She grabbed Sam's hand and pulled her out the door. The pair of them ran across the street, making a beeline towards the mall.

<><><><><>

Jack parked the rental car in the hotel parking lot across the street from the studio. It was late and it looked like the place had finally shut down for the night. They'd already driven by twice, both times discovering people milling around and lights on, signifying that they were still filming. Now the studio grounds were abandoned, the windows of the buildings dark and silent.

"Ok," Jack said, pulling the keys from the ignition. "Here we are."

"Indeed," Teal'c said.

"So, What's the plan?" Jonas said from the back seat, leaning forward.

"We go in, we get the zat, we come out and go back to the hotel," Jack said, getting out of the car.

"That sounds like a bad plan," Jonas remarked, clambering out of the back seat.

"It does lack a certain amount of detail," Teal'c agreed.

"Ah come on. This is a TV studio, not a military base. Trust me. If I can get in and out of Cheyenne Mountain undetected, this is a piece of cake." Jack jogged across the street, Jonas and Teal'c hanging back. They watched their leader shoot the locked front gate a look, then veer off to his right; He got down on his knees and rolled under the large gate.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Jonas asked.

Sirens wailed and a dog began to bark. As they watched, several security guards surrounded Jack. After a few minutes, he was led away, disappearing into one of the buildings. "No. We should not," Teal'c answered.

"You knew this would happen, didn't you?" Jonas asked.

"I suspected after over hearing several members of the crew at the hotel speaking about how security had been heightened due to the gathering of fans."

"And you let him do it anyway?"

"Once his mind is set upon an action, O'Neill is most difficult to dissuade. We shall return to the hotel and elicit Major Carter's aid in freeing O'Neill."

Jonas shrugged. "I don't suppose you thought to get the car keys from him."

<><><><><>

Sam and Janet walked into Horizons; not quite sure if the heads that turned were caused by them or their companion. A car sent by Ray had picked them up at the hotel and taken them across town and up Burnaby Mountain to the restaurant located at the top. The sun was just starting to set and Sam could tell that the view was going to be spectacular.

"I'm sorry Nick couldn't come. He had to catch a plane," Ray excused.

"That's right, he goes home every weekend doesn't he?" Janet said.

"Yeah. Actually, we were running late today, usually he's gone by noon on Fridays." They were led back to their table and Sam frowned at the setting for four. "I've arranged for someone else to join us," Ray said.

"Really? Who?" Sam asked.

"Mo Jacozzi, he's one of the writers," Ray said as they were seated. "I talked to him after you guys left and since his wife is out of town visiting her family, he agreed to come along."

"Wow, that's nice of him," Janet said.

"He was very excited about coming. I don't know if either of you play around online, but Mo loves to talk to people." They chatted for a few more minutes, ordering drinks as they waited for their last dinner guest.

"Sorry, traffic was murder on the bridge," a voice said. Sam turned, an all too familiar feeling creeping down her spine as she faced their dinner companion. The sharply dressed man paused, quirking his head a bit as he pasted a smile on his face.

"Hey, Mo. We ordered drinks but waited for you," Ray said, not picking up on the tension.

"Sam?" Janet asked.

Sam shook her head. "Nice to meet you," she said, holding out her hand to Mo. The man took it, shaking it gently. "I'm Mo Jacozzi," he introduced.

"Sam Carter, and this is my friend, Janet Fraiser."

Mo took his seat as Sam shared a look with Janet. The waiter appeared and they quickly ordered their dinners. After talking for a few more minutes, Ray invited Janet outside to take a look around the rose garden before the sun set totally.

"Who are you?" Sam asked tightly, striving to keep her voice low.

"I could ask the same of you," he replied, smiling as he took a sip of his drink.

"I could make a phone call and have you in custody in half an hour," she said, smiling sweetly.

He sighed softly and shook his head. "I am called Mohra, my host is Jason. You however, are not blended anymore."

"No. Mohra...When Jolinar knew you, your host was Kasra."

"Ah. Jolinar. That is a name I have not heard…in many years," he said.

"How…how did you get on Earth? How long have you been here?" Sam asked, relaxing a bit as she realized that her dinner companion was more of a friend than a foe.

"My craft crashed on this planet three centuries ago."

"The gate's been here that long. Why haven't you tried to get home?"

He chuckled a bit. "You're assuming that I want to go home."

Sam's eyebrows shot up. "You don't?"

He shook his head. "No. I like it here."

"I thought all Tok'ra lived for defeating the goa'uld once and for all?"

"Given the vastness of the universe, do you really think that one more soldier will tip the scale?" he asked.

"I..."

"Perfect timing," Janet said, taking her seat beside Sam.

"I think our food is here," Ray said.

"So, what'd you guys find to talk about?" Janet asked softly.

"It's a long story," Sam whispered back, sharing a look with Mo. "A very long story."

<><><><><>

"It appears that neither Major Carter or Doctor Fraiser are in their room or at the hotel," Teal'c said hanging up the pay phone.

"So, what do we do now?" Jonas asked.

Teal'c looked around, scanning their surroundings. They were just across the street from the studio, using the phone in the hotel. "I do not think it is wise for us to make our connection known with O'Neill."

"No. I mean, the last thing we need is to get into trouble. And anyway, if we get caught, who's going to call Sam for help?" Jonas reasoned.

Teal'c nodded. "Since we can not establish contact, I believe the next course of action is to return to the hotel and wait for Major Carter or Doctor Fraiser to return." He walked out of the hotel, Jonas hot on his heels.

"You do know where we're going don't you?" he asked worriedly.

"The hotel is located to the East of the studio," Teal'c said, striding down the street. He walked a bit, then paused and looked around.

"What's wrong?"

"I am, however, uncertain of the method for determining east when there is no sun," the Jaffa admitted.

"Oh," Jonas replied. "This could be a problem then."

"Indeed, Jonas Quinn, indeed."

<><><><><>

"If I'd have known the Air Force recruited people like you, I'd have thought twice before becoming an actor," Ray said, getting a skeptical look from Sam and Janet.

"Ignore him, he gets cliché when he's drunk," Mo excused. "So, what does bring you ladies here?" he asked as the waiter removed the remains of their dinner.

"She's a big fan," Janet said, earning her a killing look from Sam.

"You're the one with the DVD player."

"You pulled strings to get Colonel O'Neill here," Janet bickered.

"You know Colonel O'Neill?" Mo interrupted.

"He's her CO," Janet said.

"Oh, so that's who you are?" Ray said.

"Excuse me?"

"Every time he's on the set, he drives Yolanda nuts. He keeps telling her she's doing it wrong, that a major in the Air Force does it 'this way' and on and on. She was ready to deck him last time."

"Really?" Sam asked, ignoring Janet's sniggering laugh.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact." He broke off, reaching for his beeper. He read the scrolling message, his eyes going wide. "Umm…I can't believe this but I've got to go." He waved for the check.

"What's wrong?" Ray asked.

"Someone apparently broke into the studio lot," Mo said. "And since Tad and Bob are out of town, I need to go deal with it."

"Well then, I'll go with you," Ray said, standing up rather unsteadily.

"Maybe you should…"

"We could drive him," Janet offered. "Follow you to the studio and then go on to the hotel on our own."

Mo shrugged. "Works for me." They paid their bill and left the restaurant.

<><><><><>

Jack sat in the hard plastic chair fiddling with his watch. This was ridiculous. This was embarrassing. This was annoying. No, what was annoying was the fact that Jonas and Teal'c had bailed on him. So much for no one gets left behind. Danged aliens.

He looked at the dartboard hanging behind the closed door and looked casually around for the darts. Finding some, he got to his feet and began throwing them, silently keeping score every time he got one between the eyes of the hapless person whose picture was on the board.

He was on his third round of darts when the door opened. "Mo," he said, recognizing the writer. "Look, this has all been a misunderstanding."

"That's what I'm hearing," Mo said, closing the door. "If you wanted to see the set, Colonel, why didn't you just ask?"

"Oh, well it was just a spur of the moment thing. Actually, I was aah…I thought I saw someone milling around that didn't belong."

"So, you crawled under the gate instead of calling for help?"

"It was one of those spur of the moment things."

Mo nodded skeptically, then smiled. "You are lucky that Yolanda isn't here," he said, opening the office door. "Do me a favor, Colonel. Next time…call."

"Thanks," Jack said grabbing his jacket. He started towards the exit, stopping when Mo called him back.

"Your friends are taking a look around the set."

"Friends?" Jack asked, getting a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "They're not two guys, one tall, one always smiling?"

Mo shook his head. "No. Sam and Janet. We were at dinner when security called me."

"Carter and Doc are here?"

"Ray's showing them around." Mo led the way down the stairs and into the actual set of the show. Jack felt a sense of déjà vu as he walked through the mock up of the control room. It looked real. He almost felt like he could sit down at one of the consoles and dial up a planet.

Looking at one of the keyboards he frowned, then looked again to make sure he saw things correctly. "Aah, Mo."

"Oh, yeah. Our prop guys like to have fun," Mo said, laughing at the colorful sayings the keys spelled out. "Don't worry, it's too tiny, you can't see it on TV."

"That's good. I mean, if our keyboards said that, we'd...never hear the end of it."

Mo snorted. "That's nothing. You should see what some of the briefing files say." Mo led Jack through the gate room and into a maze of corridors, some going places, others ending abruptly at a false wall. Jack trailed his hand along the cement wall, surprised to discover that it was merely painted plywood that looked like concrete. They walked through the infirmary, the realistic looking machines giving Jack pause. Leaving the tiny, ceiling-less room, they followed the voices, catching up with Sam and Janet in the replica of Carter's lab.

"So this is what you two ran off to do," Jack said hoping to keep the conversation away from why he was here.

"Colonel O'Neill," Janet said, moving away from a smiling Ray.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Sam asked, frowning at Mo.

"Just aah..."

"You're the security breech," Ray said, breaking out into peals of laughter. "Man, you're lucky Yolanda isn't here. She promised to kick your..."

"Colonel, where are Jonas and…Murray?" Sam asked.

"Who?" Mo said.

"They're waiting at the car," Jack explained giving Sam a meaningful look.

"Then I guess we should go," she said, getting the hint. "Mo, thank you for dinner. Ray, it was great to meet you."

"Yes, it was fun," Janet agreed.

"You two ever want to take a look around, give me a call." Mo handed Janet and Sam his card. The two women thanked him and followed Jack out of the studio and across the street to where he'd parked his rental car.

"Do I even want to know what you two are up to?" Jack asked.

"No, sir you don't," Sam said. "At least we weren't taken into custody."

"Carter. If you tell anyone..."

"Colonel, didn't you say you left Teal'c and Jonas at the car?" Janet asked, interrupting them.

"Yeah. The cowards," Jack said.

"Well then, where are they?"

They looked at the locked and cold car, its windshield streaked with condensation. The signs obvious that the car hadn't moved since Jack had parked it hours ago.

"Umm."

"You lost them?"

"I didn't lose them. They were right here."

"They're not now."

"It's not my fault that they can't obey orders. We'll just call the police and have them look for them."

"What are we going to tell them? To keep their eyes open for two aliens, one of them with a big tattoo and a stow away in his stomach," Sam asked. "This is bad, sir. Really bad."

Jack sighed and pulled the keys from his pocket. "Let's go look for them. If we're lucky they walked straight back to the hotel." The trio piled into the rental car and drove off, hoping to find their quarry before anyone else did.

<><><><><>

Teal'c paused, waiting for Jonas to catch up. At this rate, it would take them hours to make their way back to the hotel. They'd finally gotten directions from a friendly convenience store clerk and after a couple of wrong turns, were now making their way down Knight Street. He figured that they were about half way back to the hotel. However, their chances of attaining their goal before morning lessened every time they passed some sort of food establishment and Jonas Quinn expressed the desire to sample their wares.

"Want some?" he asked, walking up to Teal'c and holding out a small black tray.

"What is it?"

"Sushi." He popped one of the rolls into his mouth. "It's different. And not something they've ever served in the commissary."

"Of that I am sure." Teal'c waved off his offer. They started walking down the street. The sun had long since set and the streetlights were the only source of illumination now. Traffic had lessened a bit, but was still going along at a decent pace.

"How much further?" Jonas asked around a mouthful of rice.

"Approximately seven kilometers."

"That's not very far."

"True. However we must navigate Highway 91, which is not appropriate for pedestrian travel."

"So, what are we going to do?"

"I do not..."

"Hey, you look familiar." He turned to see two women walking towards him. "Have we met?" she asked.

"I do not believe so," Teal'c answered.

"Yeah we did," the second one insisted. "Last year. Wild Thing in the Thirsty Turtle."

"Thirsty Turtle?" Jonas asked. "Isn't that the name of the bar at the hotel?"

"I do not recall having made your acquaintance."

"That's because you were a little…well…"

"Libya, he was drunk. My name is Trish," she introduced. "You guys are lost, aren't ya?" she asked.

"We are not. We know exactly where we are," Teal'c said.

"But we do need transportation back to the hotel," Jonas piped up.

"Car's around the corner, come on guys," Trish invited. She and Libya each grabbed a man and pulled them towards the waiting vehicle.

<><><><><>

Jack followed Janet and Sam through the doors of the hotel, watching as Sam hurried over to the front desk and checked for messages. "What were you two doing with Mo?" Jack asked the doctor.

"Eating dinner, Colonel," Janet answered.

"There's no messages," Sam said, walking back towards them. "Now what, sir?"

Jack shrugged, scratching his head. "I guess wait and see if they make it back. If they're not here by morning, we'll go looking for them."

"What are we going to tell the general?" Sam asked.

"Other than following orders seems to be an alien concept to…"

"Oh my god," Janet said, causing Jack to turn around. Teal'c was walking into the hotel lobby, carrying a moaning Jonas Quinn and trailed by two women. "What happened?" she demanded, snapping into full doctor mode.

"I believe it is something he ingested," Teal'c said.

"What'd he eat?" Sam asked.

"It's more like what he didn't eat, sugar," Trish piped up.

"Or do," Libya said.

"Sweet and sour pork, shrimp chow mein, cheesecake, jalapeno ice cream and sushi are the items I can recall," Teal'c reported.

Jack looked at his watch. "I only left you guys three hours ago."

"Jonas Quinn can be most enthusiastic when pursuing new tactile and sensory experiences."

"Let's get him to his room so I can check him out," Janet said.

Jack followed, reaching into his pocket for his room key. He was torn between relief at finding the missing aliens, and apprehension that something was really wrong with Jonas.

"I'm sorry, sir. I should have warned you," Sam said, walking at his side.

"Warned me about what?"

"His name should be Mikey. He WILL eat anything," she said. "At least we found them."

"There is that. Now how do I explain to Hammond why he's sick?" Jack asked.

"Trust me, sir. He'll understand." Jack shot her a curious look. "Our room service bill in Steveston was over two hundred dollars."

<><><><><>

"Did you get them?" Janet asked as Sam sank into her seat.

"Yep. And I got the last ones." Sam carefully pulled two 8x10 glossy color pictures out of the envelope. "Isn't this a great shot of Nick and Ray?"

"He's so cute," Janet enthused, taking her copy of the picture. "Do you think Ray will sign it?"

"Of course he will. He'll sign anything. It's too bad Nick doesn't come. It'd be great to have both of their signatures."

"Who's up first?" Janet asked, carefully tucking her picture away. Although she'd spent a good part of the night making sure that Jonas wasn't sick beyond an upset stomach, she'd still gotten up early to make sure they had good seats for the morning's panel.

"The colonel," Sam said, nodding towards her CO on the stage who was just finishing his allotted hour of speaking time, the faint shadows from his sleepless night evident. "Then a surprise guest, and then I think they're breaking for photos and autographs and Ray and Doug this afternoon."

Janet smiled, examining her jacket. "Then I should be able to get all but Nick and Yolanda's signature on my jacket."

"Ssh," the woman sitting next to them chastised.

With an apologetic smile, Sam and Janet fell silent, both listening to the last of the colonel's talk. "At least he's doing better than last year," Sam whispered after a few minutes studying the figure on the stage. The colonel was wearing his dress blues and, while he still fiddled with the mic, he did seem more comfortable than the last time.

"Yeah," Janet agreed. "Another year and he'll be a pro."

As they watched, the emcee came out onto the stage, ushering Jack off and introducing Yolanda, much to the surprise and enjoyment of the fans. "I thought she wasn't coming this year?" Janet said.

"She's just stopping by for an hour or two," the woman sitting beside them said. "She's on her way to the airport for a vacation."

They listened to Yolanda talk then Janet shook Sam's arm. "Maybe if I can catch her in the hall, she'll sign my jacket," the doctor said. The two women hurried out into the hall. Yolanda was walking along, her husband at her side as she hurried out the door and towards the waiting car.

"Yolanda!" Sam called. The woman turned back. Sam held out a marker. "Could you sign her jacket please?"

"Sure," she said, taking the marker and scrawling her signature on Janet's jacket sleeve. "You…you were here last year, weren't you?" she asked Sam.

"Umm, yeah." She plucked at the pants she was wearing. "I got Nick's pants."

"Right. Right. You know…you were right…about the hair," Yolanda said. "Our advisor should have caught that."

"Oh, well I'm sure he was going to," Sam

"If you say so," she shrugged. "You enjoy the rest of the weekend."

"You too," Sam said, her sentiment echoed by Janet. The actress and her husband walked away . Sam saw Jack step out from the small crowd and speak a couple of words to the woman. Her mouth dropped open as she saw Yolanda speak a couple of words, then turn her back, obviously snubbing him.

"Mo wasn't kidding, was he?" Janet asked.

"Apparently not," Sam agreed.

<><><><><>

Sam sighed, sinking into the steaming water. "Feels good, huh?" Janet asked.

"Just what the doctor ordered," Sam quipped leaning back against the side of the hot tub. She was tired, and she knew Janet had to feel even worse. They'd both had a long day of listening to speakers and standing in lines for autographs and pictures. And Sam knew that she at least had had the luxury of retreating to their room once the doctor had determined that Jonas' illness was simply a matter of too much food.

"I wonder what the colonel did to Yolanda to make her mad?" Janet asked, reaching for her drink that was sitting on the edge of the large hot tub.

Sam shrugged. "I'm almost afraid to ask."

"The desk told me you guys were out here." They looked up to see Mo standing at the edge of the hot tub. "Did you guys have a good day?" he asked, sitting on a chair beside the tub.

"Yeah. You?"

"Not bad. Just finishing things up for the season." He set a package on another chair, safe out of reach of the bubbling water. "Ray wanted me to give you guys this."

"What is it?"

Mo shook his head. "A couple of prototypes we had laying around. I thought you guys might like them."

"Hey, Mo," Jack said, walking out his towel slung over his shoulders. He hung the towel over a chair and sank into the steaming water as Janet and Sam moved over to make room.

"Where are Jonas and Murray?" Sam asked, concerned.

"Don't worry," Jack soothed. "Jonas is too sick to go anywhere, and T…Murray is meditating. They promised not to leave the room. So, Mo, did you think about my idea?" Jack asked.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Of course, Colonel."

Jack smiled and nodded. "Sweet. I'm gonna take a quick dip." He got up and padded over to the nearby pool, neatly diving into the cool water.

"What's he talking about?" Sam asked, noting the reluctant look on Mo's face.

"He pitched a story idea," Mo said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, something about Danning being marooned on a planet, with a beautiful woman, of course," Mo said, rolling his eyes.

Sam met Janet's eyes and smiled mischievously. "You know…getting trapped with a beautiful woman is such a cliché."

"Yeah," Janet agreed.

"Oh I know," Mo agreed.

"But…what if he was stranded…alone," Sam said.

"Alone?"

"Sure. Think Castaway. All alone on an alien planet, limited supplies."

"Think of the drama," Janet chimed in. "The chance for character development."

Jack returned, sinking back down in the bubbling water. "Aah, that feels good," he said.

"Well," Mo said, getting to his feet. "I have to go. My wife's plane is due in about half an hour. Enjoy the rest of the weekend," he said.

"We will," Janet answered.

"Mo," Sam called. He turned back. "You aah, you ever want to go back, just give us a call," she said cryptically.

Mo nodded. "I will, thanks." He walked away, leaving the trio alone.

"So, have you two enjoyed yourselves?" Jack asked, settling down in the water.

"Colonel?"

"You can cut the innocent act. I know all about Uncle Fitz," he said.

Sam paled a bit, sharing a look with Janet. "I don't know what you're talking about, sir," she said, her face blandly innocent.

"Yeah. Right." Jack levered himself out of the water. "Do me a favor. Next year you two can go on your own. Teal'c and I will take Jonas fishing."

They waited until he was gone then broke out laughing. "Busted," Janet said in a sing-song voice. Sam shrugged. "He'll get over it. Besides, if he gives me too much grief, I'll just remind him of the little souvenir we got," she said, referring to the zat that was now safely in her luggage. During their tour, Ray had shown them the prop room. Spying the alien weapon, Janet had distracted the actor while Sam shoved the zat under her coat.

Janet peeked up at the clock on the wall. "We're going to miss the auction," she said. "It started an hour ago."

Sam followed her gaze. "Yeah. I don't know if I want to go. I mean, I already have Nick's pants…what more is there?"

<><><><><>

"Hurry up. We'll be late."

Teal'c followed Jonas through the halls, keeping a wary eye on his companion. Jonas Quinn was supposed to be resting, however he was apparently disobeying Doctor Fraiser's orders. Soon after O'Neill had left to go into the courtyard, Jonas had declared his intention to see more of the convention.

"Where are we going, Jonas Quinn?"

"There's an auction," he said, walking through the large double doors. "I've never been to an auction." He smiled.

They found seats and began to carefully watch the proceedings. Various items were displayed both on the stage and up and down the aisle. Teal'c watched as several fans spent money for memorabilia from the television show. He scanned the room, thinking that perhaps Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser were attending, given that they both owned items from last year's auction.

"We have something very special this year, generously donated by MGM and Bridge studios," the emcee said as three people wheeled out a large gilded chair. "This is Pops' throne, the very one he sat in during Serpent's Hair when Stacey saved the day. It's also the one you saw in Children of the Frogs." Several members of the crowd shifted in their seats, trying to get a closer look. "This is not a reproduction, it is the real thing, folks. One of a kind piece of Wormhole X-Treme history. Whoever buys this throne, MGM will throw in shipping to a location of the buyer's choice, plus a certificate of authenticity. Anyone ready to start the bidding?"

A flash of movement caught his eyes. Teal'c turned to see Jonas raising his hand, capturing the auctioneer's attention. "Jonas Quinn, what are you doing?"

"I'm buying something."

"Of that I am aware. Why?"

"Fifteen hundred….any one else? Sold!" the emcee cried, pointing at Jonas.

"I've never bought anything before," he said, getting to his feet and following the assistant over to the payment table. He returned in a few minutes, a slip of paper in his hand. "It's all taken care of," he said. "They'll deliver it to the SGC."

"There you are," Jack said, standing over the two aliens, a towel wrapped around his shoulders, shivering slightly in the air conditioned air. "I thought you were staying in the room?" He accused, ignoring the contemplative looks of the other fans sitting around the two aliens.

"I aah."

"I wished to witness an auction, and Jonas Quinn offered to join me," Teal'c interrupted.

Jack shrugged. "Ok. Well, now that you've seen it, can we go back to the room. I didn't bring my key since you two were supposed to be in there," he said pointedly.

"Oh, I forgot," Jonas said, getting to his feet.

"Really? Never would have guessed," Jack said sarcastically.

"My apologies, O'Neill." Teal'c followed Jonas and Jack out of the room.

<><><><><>

"How are we doing?" Janet asked, stepping into Sam's office, her arms burdened down with two bottles of pop and a steaming bag of microwave popcorn.

"98% done," Sam said, watching the download box on her computer screen. It had become a weekly ritual for the two women, taking an hour out of their busy day to watch downloads of the last half of the season of Wormhole X-Treme. Technically, Sam knew she was pushing the rules using the base's T-line to make the lengthy downloads faster…but she also knew that Hammond wouldn't come down on her too hard. Especially since she always burned him a copy to take home to watch with his granddaughters.

"This still annoys me," Janet said, setting down her booty. "We make the show in North America, but the Brits get to see it first."

Sam shrugged. "Networks and studios. They're worse than the US Military. Done," she said as her computer pinged.

"Yes," Janet crowed, pulling out the thick sheaf of paper that was in a drawer in Sam's desk. "Now we can read along," she said, carefully leafing through the bound sheets of the scripts.

"Don't mess it up," Sam said, "Do you have any idea how rare signed scripts are?"

The pair started to watch the download, at times squinting at the tiny picture. "Oh. Wait, go back," Janet said.

"What?"

"Just do it." Sam obligingly went back in the movie. "There." Janet pointed at the small screen. "Recognize it?"

Sam leaned in and squinted. "Umm."

"It's Ray and Nick," the doctor said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out the small stuffed toy rodents that Mo had delivered to them.

Sam looked from the screen and back to the toy. "You're right."

"Mo said they were prototypes. They're the Fuzzlings," Janet said. They broke out laughing, finally getting the significance of Ray's gift. Sam resumed playing the show and they both sat, fixated to the computer screen.

"Damnit," Sam cursed as the phone rang a few minutes later. "I swear it's like they KNOW we're doing something. Carter," she said into the receiver, almost keeping her ire out of her voice. "Yes, sir. Ok, sir. I'll be right there."

"What?"

"We're going off world." She looked at her watch. "We leave in forty-five minutes." She hurried towards the door. "Hang on a minute, if I grab my clothes and dress in here, I can see the ending before we ship out."

<><><><><>

Sam hurried into the locker room, her mind struggling to push aside her speculations on the cliffhanger she and Janet had just watched and concentrate on the mission at hand.

"Nice of you to join us," Jack teased, lacing up his boots.

"Usually you hate waiting out in the hall while I change," she said putting on her vest. "Besides, I beat Jonas," she said as the alien in question hurried into the room, trailed by Teal'c.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, unbuttoning his shirt.

"Apologize later, change now," Jack said.

Jonas hung his outer shirt on a hook in his locker and pulled off his T-shirt. "Whoa," Sam said, walking over to him. "When'd you get that?" She pointed at the large tattoo over his left shoulder blade and another one circling his biceps.

"What? Oh, do you like it?"

"When did you get a tattoo?" Jack demanded. "And better yet, who paid for it?"

"Jonas Quinn did not limit himself to culinary experiences during our journey back to the hotel," Teal'c said.

"Really?" Sam asked.

Jonas nodded. "I did a lot of firsts." He ticked them off on his fingers. "My first convention, first trip to Canada, first taste of sushi, first jalapeno ice cream, first auction."

"Which you still owe me for," Jack complained. "At least Hammond liked it," he said, referring to the gilded throne that had temporarily replaced General Hammond's normal leather chair.

"First tattoo, first time in a hot tub, first…"

"Wait...when were you in a hot tub?" Sam asked. "You never used the one at the hotel."

Jonas and Teal'c shared looks, Teal'c's gaze full of silent meaning. "It was indeed an educational journey for Jonas Quinn," he said.

Jack shared a look with Sam the shook his head. "Whatever. We ship out in fifteen," he tossed over his shoulder, leaving the room.

Sam looked speculatively at the two aliens. "Guys, what else happened?"

Teal'c grinned smugly while Jonas blushed a bit. "Major Carter, I believe the appropriate response is 'a gentleman never tells'."

~Fin~

Wormhole X-Treme
Season Two

Serpents Hair - Captured by Pops, Stacey has to go undercover as a hair dresser to save the day

In line for Booty - Stacey is possessed by a refugee from an intergalactic harem

Prisoners - quarantined without cable, the team must keep themselves occupied

Gatekeeper - A mischievous pixie takes control of the gate, only allowing passage when someone answers its riddle

Weed - the team is set to work in a cannabis field. Ray imbibes too much

Thor's Harriet - the team must reunite two star crossed lovers, overcoming the protests of their parents

Message at the bottom of the Bottle - Trapped on an alien planet, the key to getting home lies at the bottom of a bottle of Tequila. It's up to Ray to save the day

Family - the team tangles with intergalactic mobsters. John Goodman guest stars as the goa'uld Al Capone

Secrets - A game of truth or dare has a surprising outcome

Vain - Going against the goa'uld Narcesis, Ray must teach him that beauty isn't skin deep

Toekra 1 & 2 - Ray's toes are all that stands between the team and certain death

Spirits - Grell gets into Danning's liquor cabinet

Touchstone - Colonel Danning takes on his own government to win the favors of Princess Le'more

Fifth Race - Thor and Harriet's love child wrecks havok in the base

Matter of Rhyme - Stricken with a mysterious virus, everyone speaks in iambic pentameter

Holy Day - It's Christmas, Chulak style

Serpents Wrong - Danning gets to tell Pops that he really is dead

One False Step - On their first date, Danning and Monroe walk on egg shells

Don't Ask, Don't Tell - Doctor Levant comes out of the closet

19 times 69 - Inside the love nest, Danning and Monroe don't realize that they're needed to save the world yet again

Out of my Mind - Thanks to the Fuzzlings, a telepathic rodent race, the whole truth comes out

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