descent

Descent
By
Denise

Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

Jacob walked into the room and quietly closed the door behind him. He was grateful to George for allowing him to do this away from the base. It was so odd to be literally homeless at his age. True he had a home with the Tok'ra or even on an allied world should he desire to take some time off but... now that Sam was gone, Mark and his family were literally the last people on Earth he had connections to.

He sat heavily on the bed and looked at the cardboard box. It was all he had left of his daughter, that and her hope chest. After the funeral Apophis' bid to control the galaxy had taken an ominous turn and he'd had to impose upon George to clean out her house and attempt to put her affairs in order.

His friend had been instructed to dispose of almost everything, not that Sam had ever been a huge pack rat in the first place - a hold-over from her childhood and being uprooted every couple of years.

All he'd been given was a small box of her financial records, her personal papers, her diplomas from school and her medals from her career, along with some family pictures and mementos. And the chest.

All the rest he'd instructed be given to a charity. He knew Sam would have wanted that.

'Jacob, this does not have to be done now. I am sure General Hammond would keep these items, or we could ask the Tollan to safeguard them for us,' Selmac suggested kindly.

As hard as it had been to reconcile himself to having another being in his head and as many times as he'd mourned his lost privacy, in the last few weeks he'd grown to depend more and more on the ancient being's wisdom and strength. He honestly didn't know how he would have survived Sam's murder without her.

'No Sel. We need to do this. I need to do this. It's the only way I can believe she's gone.'

He pushed the box of mementos aside, still not quite sure if he'd take them with him or ask George to keep them for him. The transient life-style of the Tok'ra required them to travel light.

He reached forward and pulled the chest towards him, running his fingers over its varnished surface. He remembered getting this for her. Just a few months after her mother's death he'd stumbled across a craftsman at a roadside stand selling the hope chests. When he'd seen the one with little stars and moons burnt into the wood he'd known he had to have it for Sam. That year she'd been so sad and so quiet all the time he'd found himself doing almost anything to make her smile.

'It's a hope chest. It's a tradition of ours. In the olden days little girls would start collecting the things they needed for married life and would put them in the box. Now it's just a place to put your dreams, your secrets.'

'Sarouche had one of these. She kept a lock of her husband's hair, the umbilical cord from her child, a rock from her home planet. Things that had memories for her.'

'Only one. Heru'ur's forces massacred her family. That is why she became a host,' Selmac reported, her sadness conveying to her host.

Lying on the top was a fragile bouquet of dried flowers. Lying under it, carefully wrapped in tissue paper, was a white satin dress and veil. He felt tears well in his eyes as he held the fragile material.

Selmac sent a wave of comfort to him. 'Perhaps your son would like it for his daughter?'

Next he pulled out a small velvet jeweler's box. Puzzled, he opened the box and stared at the wedding set inside. They weren't his wife's rings; he'd given those to Mark. These were new. The gold was bright and polished and looked like it'd never been worn.

Intrigued, he looked closely at the rings. They were engraved inside. Squinting in the light from the lamp he read the inscriptions.

'Perhaps... I do not wish to speak ill of the dead but... is there a chance O'Neill could have had a relationship with both Samantha and Doctor Jackson?'

Jake shook his head. 'Maybe but... no. Jack didn't strike me as the philandering type.'

'He did not strike you as the sort of man to kill your daughter either,' she reminded coldly, still feeling more than a little anger at the man who caused her host so much pain and anguish. She immediately regretted her words as she felt anger well in her host. If she had had hands she would have slapped herself. She was supposed to be comforting Jacob, not making it worse. 'What else is in there?' she asked, desperate for a change in subject.

Shaking off his symbiote's feelings, Jacob reached into the box and pulled out a large envelope. He spilled its contents onto the bed and stared in amazement. There were dozens, hundreds of pictures of Colonel O'Neill there. Some he recognized, from the belongings of her house. When he had stayed with her one time she'd shown him her photo album containing pictures the team had taken. Like a snapshot of the four of them at the top of Pikes Peak, although in this picture the image of Doctor Jackson had been carefully cut away, making it look like only three of them had been there. Another was a large picture of O'Neill, one that looked almost like the pictures in the records in the computer database. But this one was framed. When he held the glass at an angle he could see the marks left by lipstick on the lips of the picture.

With a frown he picked up other pieces of paper. These were computer printouts of security camera footage. He saw pictures of O'Neill at his desk in his office, walking down a hallway, even in the locker room changing his clothes. These were not pictures he would expect to see. It was almost as if she had put the man under surveillance.

'I do not know Jacob,' the symbiote replied sadly. In truth she did know, she had seen such things before. Since the Tok'ra only blended with volunteers, sometimes family members of sick or disturbed individuals approached them. The poor family often thought that the symbiotes could cure anything, even mental disease. In truth the greatest horror of a symbiote was to be joined with an insane person. Such blendings only ended with death. She had been afraid of this from the moment she'd heard of the circumstances of the demise of SG-1 but had hidden her fear from her host. However it seemed he was doomed to discover just how badly disturbed his daughter had been.

He dug deeper and pulled out stacks of photocopied mission reports. These were items that never should have left the mountain. He thumbed through them, highlighted parts catching his eyes.

'Carter got it right just in time.'
'Carter figured out how to... '
'Carter fixed the gate. Don't know how she did it... '

The deeper into the box he went, the more and more disturbed he became. He pulled out what could only be one of O'Neill's hats, the brim of the article of clothing bent in the way the man had preferred. A fatigue shirt followed it with O'Neill's name sewn on it, and a lock of long gray hair. He unearthed an empty box of chocolates and found pens and pads full of O'Neill's doodles, a yo-yo and a set of baggy burgundy clothes that almost looked like pajamas.

With each item he pulled out of the box he felt his heart grow heavier and heavier. It was becoming blindingly obvious that his daughter had been obsessed with Colonel O'Neill.

Tears in his eyes that even Selmac couldn't comfort he set the damming evidence aside and picked up a small hardback book. It was his daughter's diary. The same book he'd bought for her last Christmas. It was one tradition he'd managed to uphold. Sam hadn't wanted to talk about her feelings after her mother's death so someone had suggested to him that he buy her a diary and tell her to write in it. That way she could share what she felt and dreamed with someone. So every Christmas he'd buy her another book. Hoping that it would contain some clue to how this whole tragedy had started he picked up the diary and began to read.

I finally met Colonel O'Neill today. He's not quite what I expected from the mission reports I'd read. Just as tall as I'd imagined but... . There's just something about him. He's... so sure of himself, so confident. When we spoke in the briefing I just... I don't know, felt a spark. Like a connection. I think we're going to work well together.

This week has been so horrible. We lost someone today. Major Kawalsky. Turns out he'd picked up a goa'uld on Chulak. The poor man, it was so awful to see him in pain like that. What a horrible, horrible way to die. And the poor colonel had to give the order. That look on his face was so heart-rending, I wanted nothing more than to just hold him tight and let him cry on my shoulder.

It was so strange. Apparently we were exposed to some virus on the planet. It made all our baser instincts come forth. I'm not at all surprised that I headed straight for the colonel. When I woke up in the infirmary after Dr. Fraiser found a cure I thought it had all been a dream. But it had been real. I'd kissed him. And he'd kissed me back. It was rough, primal, and totally fantastic. He wants me. He said so. I was right.

Afterwards he played it cool. But he has to. For both our sakes we have to play it close to the chest.

Oh God, Jonus is dead. He... he finally went off the deep end and was so horrible to those people. I tried to reason with him, that's why I had to come, although the colonel didn't want me to. I know he didn't think I could handle it, he just wanted to protect me. But I had to come. I had to see just how far Jonus had fallen. He saved my life, the colonel that is. Jonus was going to kill me and Jack saved me. I can still feel his arms as he pushed me to safety.

It was the strangest thing today. Somehow a duplicate came back from the planet instead of the colonel. I guess I should have known when he was so distant in the locker room. He's never distant with me. Thank God he had a GDO with him or he could have been marooned for... . Well, forever. I met his wife today. It's funny, she looks a lot like me. But she's so... weak. Crying in his arms. That's probably why they got divorced, I don't think Jack likes weak women.

'It's what we Tau'ri do when a marriage doesn't work out, we legally dissolve it,' he explained to his symbiote, then continued reading.

We almost lost the colonel this time. He, well the silly man was drugged by the natives and given something that made him age. It was so devastating to see such a strong powerful man reduced to a tottering grizzled shell. Thank God he managed to figure it out. I got him back. He's going to look funny for a bit but he'll be all-better soon. It was cute, he had me give him a hair cut, seems his hair had grown while he was on the planet. I kept a bit of it.

Daniel almost got us killed today. He had this idea of rescuing this old man who had evidentially gone through the gate 50 years ago. So we gated to this planet and, believe it or not, we rescued him. Of course no one realized the DHD had been damaged. I managed to fix it, well, thanks to the colonel and his idea. We work well that way. He comes up with the ideas and I make them work. We're such a good team.

It was so awful. We made it back and we all thought Daniel was dead. The images... I still shudder at the memories, false thank God, of the man going up in flames. Jack was hit so hard. He gets that way about all his people. That's what makes him such a good CO. He cares so much

They suggested hypnosis to help us remember. I volunteered, I just knew the colonel wouldn't like it. I got upset, I'm so embarrassed. I usually have more control than that. But he was so understanding. He didn't criticize me with 'Carters don't cry' like Dad did. He let me cry and held me tight. It was the second time I've felt his arms around me, and it felt so good.

Daniel nearly blew it again. Those friends of his that sent him the sarcophagus also sent along a goa'uld with it. Of course Danny vouched for her. Then all of them fell under her spell. No one listened to me when I said we shouldn't trust her. NO. They listened to Daniel though. If they had taken any notice of what I'd said then none of it would have happened. Thanks to Daniel we almost lost Earth. If I hadn't stopped her, Hathor would have taken over the world, using the SGC as her base.

But I succeeded. I saved the world. I saved Jack too. How I wish I could have caressed that chest. Ooh, and I got a commendation out of it as well.

Damn Janet. I wanted that little girl. I wanted to raise her. No one should have to lose a parent, not when they're that young. I could have helped her. I know how it feels to lose your mother. But they...she wouldn't listen to me. I saw the look in Jack's eyes. It wouldn't have just been me adopting her, he would have helped. Cassie would have been our child. Then the doctor had to step in and ruin it all. Does she want Jack for herself?

We almost died...again. True it's happened before but this time it was close. According to Janet if they hadn't found us when they did we would have been dead in a few hours. I think I could have made my peace with dying, as long as I could have been at his side. We formed such a strong bond in those few days. He let me take care of him and he took care of me. When I was sleeping at his side it felt so good to just let down those barriers and feel him. If he hadn't been injured I think he would have taken me right there, ice or no ice. Oh God, why couldn't the gate have been located in Tahiti. Somewhere nice and warm. We could have had days of paradise before they found us. Or not. If I could spend my time with Jack I could be marooned anywhere.
Once we got back he gave me a box of chocolates. As a thank you, he said, for saving his life. I know how he really meant it. It's a gift from one lover to another. But he has to hide it. He can't let anyone know how he really feels.

'Sam called me out of the blue. Said she had some unexpected leave time. She wanted to know if she could come out and spend time with me.'

This last mission was so...exhilarating. We saved Earth and destroyed two of Apophis' ships in the process. I couldn't believe it when Daniel's claims about an alternate reality turned out to be true and the address worked. I had a hard time concentrating after he said Jack and I were engaged in the alternate reality. So it is meant to be. I can hardly contain my joy. I spent most of the mission so happy it almost felt like a game to me.

It was so hard not to try to comfort Jack on the trip back. He gets space sick I've found out. The poor man. I tried to comfort him about losing Daniel but he pushed me away. Of course in the close confines of the shuttle he had to. We can't risk anyone finding out about us.

I don't know how to describe what I feel. I was never so scared as when Jolinar jumped into me. I could feel it move under my skin. I was so afraid that they would shoot me when Jolinar lost it in the gate room. But Jack wouldn't let them. He couldn't let me die. It was so hard to watch him question Jolinar. His face was so sad. I wanted nothing more than to rip the creature out of me and comfort him. But it wouldn't let me.

Then the Ashrak came. It hurt so much. I can't describe it. I remember lying there. I knew I was dying. I could feel my body shutting down. Then Jack came into the cell. He begged me to hang on. And I had to. I couldn't leave him, not when he's lost so much. I remember how devastated he had been when he thought Daniel had died. Losing me would be have been too much for him. So I held on.

I remember Daniel bringing me flowers later. He brought them from Jack, I just know it. I know Jack made him buy them. It's far too dangerous for Jack to give me gifts but...at least Daniel serves a purpose as a messenger boy.

The trip to Washington started out so great. It's too bad Hammond had to come. Jack and I could have had the plane to ourselves if there had just been an emergency. I think Jack was hoping so too. He did such a great job of getting rid of Teal'c and Daniel so we could be alone. As we waited for the plane to arrive I was hoping that the General's cell phone would ring, calling him back for something urgent. But it didn't. Of all the times for things to go as planned.

We saved my father today. It does feel strange for me to care. Dad and I have never been close at all. He wanted a second son, I know that. I know he didn't even want me around when he was dying. But Jack wanted me around. He fought for me to go see the Tok'ra. I know if it had been Daniel having the memories we wouldn't have gone. You can't always trust flaky Daniel. But Jack trusts me.

'Until you held her,' Selmac said, reliving the feeling from a dozen of her previous hosts.

It was so devastating thinking he was dead and that I was all alone. No. Jack couldn't be dead. I barely remember the next few hours, I was so lost in my grief. Grief I didn't dare show. I had to protect Jack's reputation even in death.
But he wasn't dead. He came to rescue me. I could barely contain my joy at seeing him. And he saw me. Oh boy did he see me. He thinks I didn't notice but I saw him peeking while I dressed. If we hadn't been in the middle of a goa'uld stronghold, I know he would have whipped off that sheet and taken me right there.
I can still feel his strong arms when he pulled me to him in the hall. Those arms were why I had to go back for him. I couldn't leave him there. Not without me. We were going to live together or die together. Not even his training could disguise the look on his face when he saw me. He pulled me to him so relieved that I was alive that he forgot his reputation. I never wanted to let him go.

Why? Why did he say that to me? Why would he hurt me so much? 'Go Dorothy'. I didn't kill Seth on purpose. I was just angry, upset at how he'd hurt Jack and... I lost control. He hates the Tok'ra part of me. I disgust him. What can I do? I should talk to Janet. Maybe there is a way to remove the Naquadah from my system. Maybe if I'm normal again he'll love me?

'He didn't hate her, Sel. Jack told me...it wasn't hate it was just...it shocked them to see her do that. They never expected it.'

I'm a major. It feels so good. Finally! I could barely restrain myself from hugging him right there on the ramp. Even after he disappeared I still felt like skipping down the hall. Major. See Dad? I made it. I'm one step closer to being with Jack. And I know it's all his doing. He finally figured out a way around the regs. If we're within two rank steps we can be together, as long as we have Hammond's approval. Just another year or two and I'll be a Lt. Colonel and we won't have to hide it any more.

Jack can be so sweet. He didn't think I was awake but I heard him talking to Aris. I remember the bounty hunter shooting me. Then waking up to see Jack leaning over me. I...I feel silly admitting it but I faked it. Passing out the second time. I wanted Jack to hold me. And he did. He picked me up in his arms and carried me so gently into Aris' ship. For a minute I wished the bounty hunter would just take off and take us away from Danny and Teal'c.

Sokar's prison was so insufferable. It hurt to see my dad in such a place. But Jack followed me. I knew he loved me. Only a man that loves you will follow you to Hell and back. And how he protested when the Jaffa came. Even when he knows I can take care of myself he still tries to protect me. God I love him.

I bought a black bikini today. I know Jack likes them. I'll admit I've never been the bikini type but...if Jack wants me in sackcloth I'll wear it. Anything to please him.

I can't believe that bastard. Three months. Three fucking months. That's all it took him to shack up with that slut. He thinks I suck all the fun out of stuff...bite me you two timing mother fucker. He was supposed to wait for me. Didn't he know that if there was a way to get him home I'd find it? I'd move Heaven and Earth to have him at my side. I nearly killed myself to bring him back...and he didn't want to come.

That bitch Laira. It's all her fault. We should have just let them die. She seduced him, played on his loneliness to ease her own. I wish I could go back to Edora and arrange a little accident for the whiney little home-wrecker. And him... if it wasn't screwing myself I'd do a little snippedy-do-da on him. He's mine. Why can't the randy, inconsiderate, irritating son of a bitch realize that? The only satisfaction I got from the whole FUBAR'd mess is that half the base hates him for what he did. Even General Hammond frowned when he realized Jack had formed a 'relationship' with Laira. You see Jack, everyone sees it. Everyone knows we're supposed to be together. Why can't you get a clue?

Why is Jack being so horrible to me? He said such nasty things in the hall. What did I do? Was it because I wouldn't back him up when he stole the technology from the Tollans? Or was he still under Laira's spell? Did that bitch talk about me behind my back? She turned him against me. She had to, I know she did. What am I going to do?

It's Daniel. I just know it's Daniel that's turning Jack against me. He hates me. I remember being in that cage, my nerves screaming from the zat blast. Daniel never said a word. He just let them shoot me. But when they shot Jack it was all 'turn it off...turn it off you're killing him'. He didn't care when I was hurting. He'll pay for that.

I had really hoped he was gone for good. Daniel disappeared and even as sick as I was I kept hoping he'd never come back. I lay there in the infirmary praying that he was gone for good. That we could replay his memorial service and I'd have Jack all to myself. But then they figured it out. Daniel's back. Whoop-de-doo.

He finally said it. He did, he did, he did. I can still hear it. Oh how I wish I had a copy of the security tape. I'll ask Davis about it. 'I'd rather die than lose Carter'. He put it out in the open. I heard it, Teal'c heard it, and Janet heard it. He loves me. He really loves me. And he admitted it. I told him we could leave it in the room. I knew it just wasn't time yet. If we consummated our love right now one of us would have to leave SG-1. Another year or so and I can be promoted. I've waited for him all my life, I can wait another year. That'll show that bitch Anise. She can keep her snaky little hands off my Jack.

I wish they hadn't found us. Jona and Thera were so happy together. There were no regs, no prying eyes...at least no eyes that mattered. But then that damned Daniel had to go and remember. I should have killed him then. I could have made it look like an accident. There were a lot of accidents in the plant. No one would have cared.

I almost let it slip. We came so close to losing the colonel that I almost lost it. I nearly blurted out how I felt right there in the control room, in front of Hammond and everyone. It would have been worth it just to have him know.
Thank God we got him back. And as it turns out I didn't have to tell him. I saw the look in his eyes during the trip back. He knows. Just as surely as if we had spoken it aloud.

Jacob nodded, silently recalling the desperate tone in his daughter's voice. A tone he had dismissed...a tone that should have clued him in.

I think I'm going to throw up. Poor Daniel. That's all I hear. Poor Daniel, finding the boy. It must be so hard. Aggghhhh!!! Give me a break. It isn't even his kid. Big fat hairy deal.

Daniel died today. Which is great. The trouble is he didn't stay dead. Why couldn't that elevator have gone a little slower or the trip through the wormhole have taken just a little longer?
Then again why couldn't Jack have hit one more red light? Ole Danny would be pavement pizza right now. Too bad. You know, it isn't the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the bottom.
And worst of all, now I'm stuck here for three weeks with the wonder that is Daniel. This has to be hell.

Why? Why do the fates seem to be against me? I'd found the perfect reason to join up with Jack. It was a nice moon and there were plenty of scientists to take Hailey off my hands. Jack and I could have had some quality time together. Without Daniel butting in. And what happens? Killer bugs. What the hell did I do to deserve this?
I need to talk to Hammond. Surely there are more digs they can send Daniel on?

I don't ever want to touch a keyboard again. I can still feel the tingling of the entity creeping into my consciousness. For a second time in my life an alien possessed me. And it was all Daniel's fault. He was the one that wanted to talk to it. I think he knew what was going to happen. He's trying to get rid of me. Well it is not going to work. Better people than him have tried.
He overplayed his hand this time. And he knows it. Jack knows it. I saw the look on his face when I woke up. I wish we had been alone. It was so hard to just lie there and not reach for him.
Daniel is going to pay.

A fantastic thing happened. The general listened to me. He sent Daniel off on another dig. Too bad it wasn't to dig his grave but...I couldn't believe it when Harlan came through the gate. Our doubles are still alive. Wow. Gating to that planet was a dream come true. Two Jacks, no waiting.
Hell I'm in a good mood, I'll take the real one and Danny can have Robo-Jack. And the robot just might take him up on it. His Daniel is dead. The great Headless Jackson. Too bad I didn't get pictures. If you count this as an alternate reality, that's three that have Daniel dead. It has to be a sign.

That little son of a bitch is at it again. Sitting there so smugly, finishing Jack's sentences for him. Annoying is a nice word. Aggravating, irritating, maddening, I could go on.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I was walking down the cramped back halls of the teltac after helping Teal'c find a quiet corner to settle down and there they were, off in the corner sucking face like a pair of randy teenagers. My God, Jack won't even call me by my first name on a mission but he'll kiss him?

Poor little Danny had a boo-boo today. Oh I know I shouldn't enjoy this but...it really was an accident. I was tired and tripped and...one smug little archaeologist got a lap full of steaming coffee. Oh it was so hard not to laugh at the sight of him grabbing his jewels as the hot fluid did its damage.

I guess I am a bad little girl because the sight of him limping back to the gate and spending the night in the infirmary because of scalded genitals was so good.... I need to talk to Simmons and see if I can get the security tape of it. Maybe there is justice in the world.

Let's see Colonel 'Mine is bigger' have fun with his precious little archaeologist now.

I don't believe it. The horny SOB didn't even stop. I heard from Teal'c how Jack spent the weekend with Daniel. Helping him heal. Heal my ass...course with what they've been doing, it's likely Daniel's ass that needs healing. Isn't that just too bad.
I hope they ran out of lube. Let precious Danny be Jack's pain in the ass for a while.
If Danny Boy doesn't get the hell away from my man...that little geek's going to find out just how furious a scorned woman can be.

God he's dense. Doesn't he pay attention? Can't Mister Triple Ph.D. get a clue? Maybe I went too far today but...so did he. They were cuddling last night. On a mission for Pete's sake. I had to wake up for mid-watch again... I always get to wake up in the wee hours of the morning, can't have The Wonder That Is Daniel sleep-deprived after all... and there they were. The colonel was coming out of Danny's tent. I'm sure he was just checking on him...right. And if you believe that one, I have some prime beachfront property next to my house for sale.

So, OK... maybe I went too far, but the next morning I decided to spell things out...in words of three syllables or less. Just to be sure he gets it. It's simple. Stay the hell away from my colonel. Doesn't he get it? If Jack's afraid to have anything to do with me 'cause of the regs, what does Danny Boy think will happen if it comes to light he's fucking Jack? 'Don't ask, don't tell' is a joke. It doesn't work. His precious colonel will be drummed out of the service so fast his head'll spin. He's got to get a clue or we'll both lose him.

He still doesn't get it. That damned klutz. He nearly got us all killed. We were on one of his precious little archaeological surveys again...like we can never have too many of those. And the Jackson curse struck again. What did we find on the planet ole Danny Boy swore was unoccupied but...you guessed it...Jaffa.

So we were running, with me bringing up the rear of course. Let's put the nice expendable woman in the rear. I was running...for my life. Literally. I knew what the Jaffa would do to me if they caught me. Call me weird but gang rape isn't high on my list of priorities. And who was in front of me? Little Danny. Slowing me down. So I tried to pass him. As far as I was concerned it was every man for himself.

We were picking our way along this embankment and he was going so slowly. I don't know what came over me, maybe it was survival instincts. I just pushed the wuss out of my way. Let the Jaffa pick on him for a while. Hell, he just might like it. Maybe he likes it rough. Hell, with the colonel he just might.

What surprised me was how good it felt. There Precious Daniel was, lying at the bottom of this little embankment, Jaffa just a little ways away and...I wasn't concerned. I didn't care. The sight of him helpless down there was so...good. How I wish Teal'c hadn't heard him yell. It would have been so easy. I'm sorry colonel, I tried, but the Jaffa... they got him sir. I'd even cry. I can do that, turn on the tears when I want to. Comes from hiding them for so many years.

That day, as we were running for the gate, I had a flash of inspiration. Danny is what's keeping the colonel from me. But if Daniel goes away... He'll be mine. Just as it should be. All mine.

What does it take to get through to him? Damn he's so stupid. I would have thought the little graffiti job would have been a big neon 'get the hell outta Dodge' sign. But no. He didn't even say anything. Just ignored it the next day. Not even about the note. I wonder if he got it? Maybe someone else is in his apartment? Could that be it? Could there be someone else? Could he be two-timing Jack? I have to find out. I'll start keeping an eye on him. I owe it to Jack to protect him. And if Precious Danny is cheating on him... all the better for me. Too bad his fish all died. It would have been fun to have the cook whip up a little fish stew for Precious Daniel.

I finally had to do it. Finally had to take that step from maybe to definitely. I tried; I really tried to keep that shadow of a doubt alive. I tried to be discrete but he just won't get it. He has to leave. It's the only way. If he doesn't someone will find out. They always do. He'll ruin Jack and SG-1. Then what'll happen? Teal'c will get stuck on SG-3 again and I'll be back on lab detail. Never make general like that. Like dad used to say, the road to getting those stars is in the field not the lab. The only way I can get there is at Jack's side. And if he keeps on with Daniel, then my career is over.

Since the brilliant Daniel Jackson just won't get a clue... well let's just say I'm glad he drinks so much coffee. You can hide anything under its bitter taste. Even arsenic.

It was so easy. He's so incredibly naïve. All I had to do was play nice and he just lapped it up like some love-starved puppy. God he is so pathetic. I swear killing him would be justifiable homicide. Isn't it self-defense to kill someone who's driving you crazy?

Oh God. He's still alive. I don't know how but ... he survived. How the hell does he keep bouncing back? Is he a freaking immortal or something? I've seen horror movie villains that are easier to kill than him.

They know. They have to know. It wasn't supposed to work out this way. Daniel was supposed to quietly die and Jack was to be mine. Then Jack and I would run the SGC together; he'd lead, with me as his second. The President would let us ignore the regs. We'd play one of our 'we saved the world' cards. It'd be just him and me, with Teal'c at our side. We'd get married on the ramp, Janet and Teal'cstanding with us. I'm sure the Tollan or Thor could fix whatever Jolinar did to me. We'd raise our children there. One big happy family. He'd make general, then me. Maybe we'd retire off world... that planet he likes so much with the beaches. It'd be perfect. I even have the bikini. The little black one I bought just for him.

But not now. They have to know what I did. They're going to be coming for me. I'm sure Danny went crying to Jack. He'll lock me up again. He'll put me in that damn cell to rot, just like he did before.

Oh God, what if he turns me over to Area 51? They'll dissect me. I'll be just a lab rat to them.

Which is why I'm here, sitting in my living room, working my way through the fifth of Tequila Teal'c gave me for Christmas. If I make it to the bottom I just might even eat that damned worm. Wouldn't be the first time I had a worm go down my throat.

I have the gun that I normally keep in my bedside table. It's loaded. I want to end it. I need to end it.

I wonder if it'll hurt? Theoretically if the bullet goes through my brain in the right place I won't feel a thing. They can do brain surgery with the patient awake and he doesn't feel a thing. So it won't hurt. I just have to work up the guts to do it. But I'm too much of a coward.

Dad used to say that. That I'm a coward. That I was weak. Even Jolinar said I was weak.

Guess I am. I can't even kill myself. I can kill others. There's more blood on my hands than I can ever wash off.

NO. It ends here. Now. Maybe... maybe Jack can be happy without me? Him and Danny can be happy together with me out of the way. That's what I've always been, in the way.

I was the daughter my dad got instead of the second son he wanted. I was the female officer Jack got stuck with instead of a good soldier. I was the scientist who asked too many questions and sucked all the fun out of stuff.

I've ruined it all. I'm just a waste of space. I'll go away. Maybe someone somewhere wants me?

Even if they don't want me, maybe they'll settle for my brain? Maybe I can find someone who'll look past the mess that I am and settle for a problem solver. That's it. I'll ask for a transfer in the morning. Maybe if I get away fast enough they'll just let it drop?

Oh god. He's here. He's pounding on my door. He knows. Oh God. Jack knows. He's yelling through the door, that he knows I'm here... that he wants to talk... sure. Now you'll talk. Ignore me for four years and all of a sudden I'm worthy of talking to. Only pay attention to me when I hurt your Precious Danny. Well screw you Colonel. You want to talk, we'll talk. I have my best friend Smith and Wesson right here. Maybe you'll listen to me now you heartless... .

The diary ended abruptly. Jacob stared at the blank pages, sorrow weighing heavily in his heart. He'd been blind. They'd all been so blind. So many times over the years he'd heard her say 'I'm fine'. She was always fine. But she hadn't been.

Where had he gone so wrong? When had his baby girl turned into a bitter, hateful woman?

Disgusted, he tossed the book aside, a piece of paper fluttering out of the pages. Morbidly curious he picked it up and read it. It was a letter, a scrawled, scratched-out attempt at a letter.

Precious, perfect little Danny Boy. The wonder of the SGC, 'Daniel Jackson is why we're here'. God what a load of crap. You are the biggest fuck-up in this whole place. From the very beginning it's been, Daniel figured out how to work the gate... and in only two weeks. Why didn't we have him sooner? The marvelous Daniel Jackson who was the pariah of the whole academic community. Who was considered the biggest nut job in the universe? But he opened the gate so let's bow and scrape to precious Danny.

Did you know I should have gone to Abydos? Yes, but I couldn't. Why? Because YOU went. In my place. Never mind the YEARS I spent working on the gate. NO. We'll just say 'screw the captain' because the CIVILIAN wants to go. Were you fucking him even then? Is that how you got to go? It does make sense, you've screwed you career beyond redemption, why not screw to get it back on track.

I've lost count of the number of times over the years that you've nearly got us killed. You stupid son of a bitch. Simarka and the 'we'll just be outside, you stay in the tent Samantha'. Or that little trip to Earnest's planet, you know where we nearly got marooned for LIFE because YOU had to go see if some old man was still alive.

And let's not forget Hathor. If I remember correctly YOU were the one that vouched for her. Good job Daniel, who needs to defeat the goa'uld, we'll just invite them over for TEA!

What the hell is it with you anyway? I say it's a bad idea, and I'm backed up by military protocol and I get ignored, YOU say 'sure let's do it' with no reasoning, no rationale other than YOU want to do it and it gets done.

He does want me you know? He said so. He told me right there in the locker room... on the bench in front of YOUR locker. Hell for all I know he went back there and did a hand job on himself. He sure needed one after I got a hold of him. That much I remember clearly.

You plotted with Hathor didn't you? That's why we were captured on her planet. You two set it up. You got us there; she captured us and then gave you the drugs. You drugged him. And you had to have Janet in on it as well. She would notice in her physicals. You two are working together.

Why? What did Hathor promise you? Earth maybe? Stupid bitch. She couldn't even control her own men, what the hell made her think she could run Earth?

You're not going to get away with it. I'm going to stop you. I'm going to have to clean up your mess AGAIN. Like I always do. And it's simple, so simple even you can understand it.

Plain and simple, in words of three syllables or less. YOU. LEAVE. NOW. Go away. Far away. I don't give a damn where, but just go. Go somewhere where Jack can't find you.

I can hear those squeaky wheels in your sick little brain turning. What will Sam do if I don't???

I'll tell you. Actually I'll tell everyone. I MEAN EVERYONE. You will be the fuck out of the country by Monday, or by lunchtime Monday every single person in the SGC will know exactly what a fuck-up you are. And they'll know Jack's little secret. I'll tell them how you seduced him. I'll SHOW them. That night, at your place... on the floor... you know you really should get curtains. It was quite interesting, and educational. I didn't know the human body could quite bend that way. Very impressive.

And I'm sure Hammond will think it's impressive too. And General Vidrine, Major Davis, General Ryan... did you know there's a web site that lists all the e-mail addresses of the Joint Chiefs of Staff? ALL OF THEM. The President's too. Even his cabinet members.

If you are not out of the country by Monday morning I can tell you what the lead story on the network news will be. 'Gay Colonel has affair with civilian consultant on Stargate project'. He'll be locked up. Do you know what they do to fags in the stockade? It ain't pretty. I'm sure Jack will enjoy being the bitch for a hundred criminals.

And yes. I will tell them about the gate. And don't think they can deny it. They'll have pictures. Eight by Ten glossies of the stargate, Abydos, and let's not forget Teal'c. Or maybe I'll just send them Junior? That should get their attention.

And don't convince yourself that it can be covered up. No. Not this time. There's no gas leak, no deniability. It will be totally out in the open. I'll go to Kinsey if I have to.

Leave now, or by Monday your perfect little dream-world will crumble around your feet like raw trinium.

He crushed the poisonous missive in his hand. 'Selmac. Why?' he asked in despair seeing the full extent of his daughter's insanity.

'It is likely that she was damaged before the Ashrak. Perhaps not in a terminal way but... it is possible that the traumatic experiences of her time with SG-1 pushed her over the edge. She once told Martouf that she felt schizophrenic. If she was already unstable then it is possible Jolinar pushed her over the edge. Jolinar was... ' Selmac paused, trying to put it into words. 'She was an excellent operative and a brilliant Tok'ra. She and Rosha were an almost unstoppable team. But for all her successes she had her failings. You know Jolinar was on Netu?'

'She endured much then. And even Martouf said she was never the same after that. The Jolinar from before Netu would have died before forcing herself upon someone.'

'You're saying Jolinar was nuts?' Jacob asked, feeling anger well within him. Not directed at his daughter's murderer his time but at the being that had possessed her.

'I am saying that... none can endure what Jolinar and Rosha did and come out of it totally unharmed. It is possible that the blending of two damaged, for lack of a better word, individuals resulted in Samantha's instability.'

Jacob sighed, seeing the logic in Selmac's words and fighting the guilt that his redemption had apparently come at the cost of his daughter's life.

'Jacob please. Do not feel guilt. It is something we all should have considered. But we didn't. We failed your daughter as much as we failed Jolinar,' she said sadly.

'We didn't just fail Sam, we failed all of them,' he replied, getting to his feet.

With grim determination he took the last of the items out of the hope chest. He placed the box of Sam's medals, her family pictures and the wedding dress in the cardboard box and closed its lid. He would see if Mark wanted these items. Maybe his daughter would like her grandma's dress or her Auntie Sam's medals. The damming pictures, the bouquet and her diary he gathered up in his arms. Ignoring Selmac's questioning nudge he walked outside and dropped the offending items in George's barbecue. He then went into the man's garage and brought out the lighter fluid. Lighting it with a match he watched the evidence of his daughter's madness curl and blacken, the bits of paper surrendering themselves to the unrelenting heat of the blaze. The rings he would give to George to sell. Surely the man knew a charity that could benefit from the money.

He watched the smoke rise into the air, curling like the fine delicate hairs on a baby's head.

"Wherever you are Sammy, find peace my baby. Please find peace," he begged whatever real deity that might be listening as tears ran unnoticed down his face.