Robin Hood and His Miserable Men
By Stephen Fenn and Robin Abbott
Version 3.1
Last updated - 23/10/96
Cast members.
Narrator:	Narrator

Robin Hood:	Robin Hood
Will Scarlett:	Miserable man
Much - Millers Son:	Miserable man
Little John:	Miserable man
Tom:	Another miserable man, wears ridiculously large glasses)

Fryer Tuck:	Fryer Tuck (runs the local fish & chip shop)

Sheriff:	Sheriff of Nottingham
Advisor 1:	Advisor to the Sheriff (Richard)
Advisor 2:	Advisor to the Sheriff

Maid Marion:	Maid Marion
Lady-in-Waiting 1:	Maid Marion’s lady in waiting (Catherine)
Lady-in-Waiting 2:	Maid Marion’s lady in waiting

Lottery Presenter:	Lottery presenter
Mystic Maher	James Maher
Gatekeeper	Gatekeeper at castle

SCENE I - The Forest
Narrator:	Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. For your entertainment tonight, we would like to present a unique performance of that classic tale of good against evil, Robin Hood. Of course, following the traditions of recent film makers, we have found it necessary to replace some of the events with more interesting scenarios. The story begins with Robin Hood and his band of occasionally merry men training at their camp.
Throughout the number whenever Robin Hood appears, the pianist should play “Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen”. Eventually Robin Hood gets really fed up of this and shoots the Pianist (see scene 3).
Curtains open to show Robin Hood training the onlooking men to sword fight.
Musicians : “Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the Glen”.
Robin Hood:	Now concentrate, Will, on what I say,
your life on this may depend some day.
Keep on moving, fast and light.
There’s only one way to win this fight.
Robin Hood demonstrates skills against an imaginary attacker.
Robin Hood	Strength with agility, thought and speed,
these are the qualities you will need.
Now come on, guys, give it a go.
I’ve taught you all you need to know.
Will Scarlett and Much - Millers Son do mock sword fight with branches, making appropriate grunts, etc. Robin Hood adds suitable comments and instructions during fight. At some point, Much - Millers Son has sword ‘ripped’ out of his hand and Will Scarlett spears him (between body and arm). Much - Millers Son does impressive death sequence and falling to the floor very noisily.
Tom	Excellent move, Will, you’re doing just fine.
Much, I think you need some more time!
Nice bit of acting, but I know what your after,
(Aside to audience)	He thinks he’s so good, they’ll give him a Bafta.
During last speech, one of the men examines Much - Millers Son - puts cheek to mouth and lifts up arm to check pulse (possibly drop ‘limp’ arm back to the floor). Then he quietly walks up to Will Scarlett and whispers something to him.
Will Scarlett:	Ladies and Gentlemen, it appears that there’s been a small accident...nothing serious enough to stop the show, but if there’s a Doctor in the room, could they make themselves known, thank you.
If there is no doctor present (Dr Odbert, etc.) skip the next line.
Will Scarlett:	Thank you , Sir, but I’ve seen you around before and we’ve no need for your leeches and your herbal remedies now, doctor. I think we need a real doctor. 
He looks around audience, then, when no-one else volunteers, he goes over to Robin Hood and whispers in his ear. Will Scarlett then drags Much - Millers Son off stage.
Robin Hood:	Oh, well. It wasn’t a very important role. Anyway, back to the action.
Now one of our band appears to be hiding
Little John is his name he’s always backsliding
Come out little John wherever you are
Its too early for you to be the bar
Little John makes an entrance. He goes into the song “Big John”
Robin Hood	Now fighting with swords is all well and good,
but our best defence out here is the wood.
hidden behind trees or within tall grass,
the enemy can’t see us and right by they will pass.
Little John:	But, what if they spot me before I am ready?
And they might fire an arrow straight through my heady ?
(Aside to audience)	Who wrote these lines ?
Robin Hood:	Don’t worry, men, there’s one more weapon,
that at times like these, you can depend on.
You might well have guessed and all should now know,
that I’m talking about the great bow and arrow.
At end of third line, Robin Hood goes into wings and picks up large bow and arrow.
Pick up your bow, Tom and give it a try.
When I say fire, let the arrow fly.
Robin Hood shoots at target and gets a bullseye!!! Target might have to be in the wings instead of on stage.
Tom has really small bow and arrow set and, due to poor eyesight, has to be pointed by men at target. In the process, he turns round on stage, pointing the arrow at both the men (who duck dramatically) and the audience. Eventually he fires it into the wings.
An Oi! is heard and Much - Millers Son staggers back onto stage, bandaged up from his sword injury, with the arrow ‘through’ his head. He, again, dies theatrically. One of the men drags him offstage.
Robin Hood:	Oh dear, poor Much. What terrible luck.
If only we’d thought to tell him to duck.
(to audience)	Don’t worry, folks  I’m sure he’s OK.
Between his two ears, there’s only some hay!
A paper aeroplane is thrown from wings onto stage. Robin Hood picks it up and reads the message inside.
Robin Hood	Comrades, it seems that our time is quite near.
A rich man wishes to pass right near here.
I’ve seen your practice and I’m very impressed,
but it’s time to put your new skills to the test.
Robin Hood leads men off stage.
Narrator:	Well, Robin’s band of men are merry for once, they’ve learnt their stuff and are about to reclaim some of the money stolen by the Sheriff of Nottingham. I would tell you what’s about to happen, but I can’t read the script very well.
(He holds up a beer mat, which is covered in illegible scribblings) 
Narrator	Oh, well. It would only have spoilt things for you.
Narrator walks off and Fryer Tuck arrives from opposite side, riding a horse and cart, which contains a couple of large boxes. He is taking swigs from a bottle in a paper bag and listening to his personal stereo. He arrives on stage and bursts into Greensleeves. After the first verse:
Alison Smith	Hold it - I remember this song coming out when I was young, but it in those days we used to have a special dance ! Come on guys let’s show them what we used to do !
Alison Smith and 5 friends do the Greensleeves dance.
Robin Hood and his men jump out from wings with their swords and bows and arrow drawn. Fryer Tuck rips off his headphones.
Musicians : “Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the Glen”.
Robin Hood:	Greetings, good sir, on this lovely day.
How is it that you wish to pay.
Fryer Tuck:	Pay? What, you! Oh, my, you tease,
I didn’t even hear a ‘please’.
Will Scarlett:	Look here my rich man, while I mention,
some facts that might get your attention.
To pass through here, you pay a price.
resist and you’ll find we aren’t so nice.
He puts his sword to Fryer Tuck’s chest.
Fryer Tuck:	Hold it, man. Don’t be so hasty.
I may be large, but I’m not so tasty.
my name, dear sir, is fryer tuck,
but, if you want money, you’re out of luck.
Apart from what you see right here,
my case, my hat, some cans of beer
(Fryer Tuck points to relevant items)
	I’ve nothing else of any worth.
Just me, my horse and my blow-up earth.
 (He gets it out of a box in his cart)
Robin Hood:	As a man of the cloth, you’ve no need for that.
(takes bottle away)	and I could probably find a home for your hat.
(takes hat off Fryer Tuck and throws it to one of the men)
Fryer Tuck:	Oh, sir, I’m afraid you are truly mistaken.
No vows of religion have I ever taken.
My name is spelt not with an ‘a’, but an ‘e’.
My connection is not with the church but the sea.
You may have seen me selling fish and chips.
Down in the high street - a shop called Chez Nick’s.
Will Scarlett has been looking through the boxes on the cart and at end of last line finds wrapped up ‘fish and chips’ which he takes over to Robin Hood.
Robin Hood:	Well, Fryer Tuck, you’ve been lucky this time.
I’ve been told that your cod and chips are sublime.
Will Scarlett	We will let you pass on your way,
but don’t forget what happened today.
If you should see the Sheriff some morning,
please pass on our own polite warning.
If the Sheriff continues to steal from the poor,
Then it is from him that we will take more.
Fryer Tuck:	Rest assured, I’ll make sure to tell him,
though I’m not sure he’ll care about threats from a villain.
Thank you, kind sirs, I’ll bid you good day.
If there’s nothing more, I’ll  be on my way.
Fryer Tuck goes off on horse and cart, while Robin Hood and his men leave stage eating the fish and chips.
Curtains close
SCENE II - In the castle (FoT)
Narrator:	Contrary to popular belief the sheriff of Nottingham was actually extremely wet. His advisors were the main source of his evil reputation. The sheriff is concerned about the state of the castle.
Sheriff and advisors come on FoT .
Advisor 1:	Good morning, Sheriff. Why do you frown?
Sheriff:	It’s my castle. It’s all falling down.
The doors don’t fit and the windows won’t shut.
It’s almost as bad as Highcliffe Scout Hut!
Advisor 2	I’m sorry, sir, but I’ve tried my best.
There’s nothing more which I can suggest.
You’ve brought in new tolls and a castle tax,
but without more money, this place will collapse.
Sheriff:	I know that, you fool, I’m out of ideas.
This castle of mine it has me in tears.
Sheriff starts blubbering and bursts into tears.
Advisor 1:	There’s no need to cry, sir, for we might be lucky,
if our numbers are picked on the National lottery.
Sheriff:	Perhaps you’re right, Richard. We’ll wait and see,
but it’s almost eight, go switch on the TV.
Lottery advisor and mystic maher appear on stage
Lottery Presenter	Before I read the results you might like to know
What Mystic Maher sees - will it be joy or sorrow ?
Mystic Maher	I predict aliens may win this week
If not then luck may be with a Greek
A nice stew may be made with a chop and a leek
Beavers best game is to hide and to seek
flibble and flobble will redfrig a beak
wert flirter magirter a churk flip merteak
Lottery Presenter:	Well, thanks for the predictions, you made no sense,
But now the results, can you feel the suspense
Anyway, I simply can’t wait any more.
Here are the results of tonight’s lucky draw.
Drum roll and effects Presenter reads from sheet of paper. Sheriff consults his results. Mystic Maher makes strange hand jiving motions through the result reading.
Lottery Presenter:	And tonight’s first lucky number is.....FOUR!
Sheriff:	Yes, I’ve got one this week.
Lottery Presenter:	Forty seven.
Sheriff:	Wow, and that one.
Lottery Presenter:	Thirty three.
Sheriff:	Yes! That’s ten quid. Just three more and I’m rich.
Lottery Presenter:	Twenty nine.
Sheriff:	Oh, rats!
Advisor:	There’s still the second prize to get.
Lottery Presenter:	Fourteen.
Sheriff:	No, no! I wanted fifteen, not fourteen.
Lottery Presenter:	And the final ball is...FORTY FOUR.
Presenter and Mystic Maher go off.
Sheriff:	Ten pounds...ten lousy pounds, is all that I’ve won.
Sometimes I think this is just a big con.
Advisor 1:	Cheer up, sir, that’s better than nothing.
You could go out and buy a new ring
Perhaps we could make a grant application.
The lottery may then be the source of our salvation.
Sheriff: 	Who in their right minds would give us some cash
To waste it on this might be thought rash.
Some people call it a ‘castle’, I’m told.
But, it’s just a house that’s two hundred years old.
There’s only one way to get three million pounds
and that’s if the lottery board are all clowns.
Advisor 1 (aside to audience)
Well in that case we’ve got it made !
Advisor 2:	Perhaps we are looking at this the wrong way.
There must be a local who’d be persuaded to pay.
Much better still, get a rich girlfriend,
One who comes with a good dividend
Sheriff:	Who would I marry? Although I’m a hunk
Girl Guides are quite nice but they get so drunk
Girls from Highcliffe school
they’re totally uncool
The girls from the choir
don’t set me on fire
The girls from Arnewood
Well they’re simply no good
I need to be fussy
or I’ll end up with some hussy
Advisor 1:	If I’m not mistaken, there is someone who,
has recently moved here and not yet met you.
As yet unaware of your charm and affection,
Maid Marian may well be the perfect selection.
A woman of beauty and suitably posh,
plus, her old man’s got plenty of dosh.
Sheriff:	Excellent, Richard, I couldn’t do better.
I’ll kidnap her as soon as I’ve met her
She’ll stay in my jail until she is ready 
to say that I am the man with whom she’ll go steady
Advisor 2:	Wonderful plan, sir, if I may say so,
but, I now have a meeting to which I must go.
Advisor 1:	I know she will go to Nottingham Fair
It should be easy to capture her there
Of course, to the details, I will attend.
(Aside to audience) I wonder if she might have a nice friend.
Sheriff and Advisors go off stage
SCENE III - Nottingham fair in front of the castle
(FoT)
Narrator:	Well the Nottingham fair is well known and attracts absolutely everyone for miles. Maid Marion has yet to arrive. Meanwhile Robin Hood is waiting for rich pickings
Robin Hood and men come on stage.
Musicians : “Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the Glen”.
Will Scarlett:	Come off it, Robin. We’ve been here all day,
and no one at all has come through this way.
Much - Millers Son:	Yes, I spent the whole day lying in wet grass.
Both my legs ache and I’ve got a sore...
Robin Hood (cuts in):	
Now, come on, men, stop your complaining.
We could always go back and do some more training.
Will Scarlett:	No, Robin! Please, it really is boring
You get the fun jobs like doing the scoring
Little John	Yes let’s have some fun - we’ll let down our hair
It’s good for a laugh down at Nottingham fair
Curtains open to the castle. We go into “Come to the fair”
LIW 1	Marion, it’s great here, I’ve had loads of fun
The weather’s been great - its been constant Sun
Maid Marion	Yes, it’s been good, the only thing missing
Is a gorgeous man to spend my time kissing
LIW 2	Don’t worry Marion, that’s why you’re a maid
The problem is you’re just too fussy I’m afraid
Robin Hood (with bow and arrow) and Merry men arrive
Musicians : “Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the Glen”.
Robin Hood	I’ve finally had it - Ken drives me round the bend
I’ll take care of him, for him its the end
Robin Hood shoots Pianist
Robin Hood	Look over there that vision of charm
Maid Marion	Oh quiet my heart - it sounds an alarm
Robin Hood	Would you go out with me, oh beautiful girl
Maid Marion	Well I’ll have to see my hearts in a whirl
MM and the LIW’s go into Spice Girls
Robin Hood	Will you go with me back to my home
Maid Marion	Of course, from the woods I’ll never roam
Sheriff and advisors arrives
Sheriff	Hold it right there, what are you doing?
That’s my woman that you are wooing.
Advisor 1	Robin the Hood, that’s too far this time
You will be punished for this awful crime.
Advisor 2	And as for you Marion, Our plans for you
mean marrying the Sheriff, your love will be true
Sheriff, Advisor 1 and Advisor 2 kidnap Maid Marion and the two LIW’s. They all run off stage right (R), quickly followed by Robin Hood and his men.
Curtains close
Scene IV - In the Castle
Sheriff, Advisor 1 and Advisor 2 appear FoT from R dragging Maid Marion and the two LIW’s.
Advisor 1	Ehm, excuse me, Sir, for questioning you
but, did you have time to think this plan through?
Sheriff	Of course I did, Richard, come on, please hurry
This is no time to fret and to worry
All leave stage left (L), then Robin Hood and men run on from R.
Robin Hood	Shift yourselves, guys, get a move on
If we don’t keep moving they’ll be long gone
All leave L, then Sheriff and others run on from R.
Advisor 1	Oh do stop struggling, Catherine, my dear
I’ll keep you safe once we’re in here.
Sheriff stops suddenly at L wings and others bump into him.
Advisor 2	Umm, Sheriff, why have we stopped?
Sheriff	The stupid fools, the gates have been locked
(Bangs on ‘gates’)	Open these gates, man - quick, on the double
If they’re not open soon, there will be trouble
Gatekeeper	What’s all the noise for? Who is out here?
This better be worth it, I was having a beer.
Sheriff	This is the Sheriff. Let me inside
before I get angry and kick your backside
(Sound of gates/door opening) All leave L. As last two are leaving stage, Much and Robin Hood appear from R - Much first.
Much	Don’t worry, Robin, I’ll foil his escape
I think I can stop them closing the gate
Much dives to edge of stage and sticks arm into the wings.
Much	Arrgh! That wasn’t what I had planned
It seems the gate has trapped my poor hand
Robin Hood reaches ‘gate’ and pushes it open (sound effects).
Robin Hood	Well done, Much, you’ve saved the game
I’m sorry it caused you so much pain
Everybody runs past/over Much, through gate in to wings. Much holds false hand in his ‘trapped’ hand and, when Tom tries to help him up using the trapped hand, Much lets go (as if his hand has fallen off) and Tom falls back. Much lets out a scream then both go through gate.
Curtains open to show inside of castle. Sheriff and others arrive breathless from R.
Advisor 1	Thank God, we’re here - I need a rest
my heart is beating right out of my chest
Sheriff	Well, now we’re here, I won’t delay
(LIW 1 and 2 struggle to break free)
Come now, ladies, I insist you stay
You see, I have this day well planned
and now, Maid Marion, you must take my hand
With all your money, repairs can be done
and then perhaps we might have some fun
Maid Marion	Sheriff, I’m shocked at the depth of your cheek
but, I cannot give the answer you seek
I’m not getting married just to save your estate
Anyway, I’ve just found my perfect date
Robin Hood is a man of good schooling
and compared to you he’s much better looking
Advisor 1	Marry me, Catherine, you know my love’s true
(He kneels down and takes her hand)
Everything I do, I do it for you
LIW 1	Get lost, you dirtbag, you’re just a sleaze
Just stay on the floor, you belong on your knees
Sheriff	I’m sorry to do this, but I’m left no option
You’ll have to spend some time in my lovely dungeon
Robin Hood runs on from R, sword drawn, followed by miserable men.
Robin Hood	Stop there, Sheriff, you’re going nowhere
How dare you steal my girlfriend from me at the fair?
(To Maid Marion)	Don’t worry, darling, I’m on the case
I’m dying to remove that smile from his face
Sheriff	OK then, Robin, so you want a duel
You don’t stand a chance, you arrogant fool
If you so wish, we’ll fight to the death
and I cannot wait to see your dying breath
Sheriff releases Maid Marion and draws his sword. Sheriff and Robin Hood have a duel on stage, turning round until Robin Hood is in front of Maid Marion. She comes up behind him.
Maid Marion	Please be careful, you know I love you
Listen to me, I’ve been thinking this through
Force him over here to me
I’ve got a plan, Robin, you’ll soon see
Robin continues to duel with Sheriff and they turn round so the Sheriff is in front of Maid Marion. She then hits him over the head with a bottle and he falls to the ground. (Much is standing between the two advisors). Much sees this, then stamps on the nearest foot of each advisor and then bangs their heads together. They fall to the ground as well.
LIW 1 (to Much)	Oooh, my hero, you are so brave
Risking yourself for my life to save
She goes over and hugs him.
Robin Hood	Well, Marion, it’s all ended happily
Perhaps we can now start a family
Maid Marion	I’ll love you forever in your house in the wood
You’re the one that I want, my dear Robin Hood
All? come on to sing ‘You’re the one that I want’. Curtains close.