Puss in Boots : Version 2.11

The curtains open and Cuthbert is standing P, playing on Gameboy.  Mother enters OP, walks to centre stage and dies immediately and spectacularly.

Cuthbert	So, now you die, thanks a bunch
	I'm so upset, you've not made lunch

Puss enters OP, without boots at this stage

Cuthbert	My mother is dead, what am I to do
	Without her around I can't tie my own shoe
	Can't do up my tie or pick my own nose
	And as for the toilet, God only knows

Puss	It's alright Cuthbert, don't be so wet
	I'll care for you now, no problem, no sweat

Cuthbert	Don't be so stupid, you're only a cat
	You spend every hour asleep on the mat

Puss	I'm more than that, you give me no credit
	I've got brains and looks that you didn't inherit
	Now get me a cloak and a couple of suits
	And don't forget, I'll need some black boots

Cuthbert	Oh alright Tiddles, we'll give it a go
	But go on to where, I do not know

Puss	Now don't fret Cuthbert, just follow the story
	Off to the city, to fame, wealth and glory

Cuthbert exits P

Cat	Wow is he stupid, if he believes that
	Especially coming from a talking cat

Puss exits OP.  Cuthbert runs back on stage from P (without Gameboy)

Cuthbert	We must remove mother, right now I think
	She's rotting already and starting to stink

Cuthbert picks up mother's legs and pulls her OP.  As he does so her head bangs on the stage and she quite obviously comes back to life, struggling and complaining.
Curtains close and messenger enters OP.

Messenger	Make way, make way, make way for our King
	and his daughter, the Princess, the sweetest young thing

King enters FOT, sighs loudly, spots audience and brightens up.

King	I wonder if you'd help me with a problem I have got
	My daughter may be brainy, but a model she is not
	She still has no Prince Charming after searching all these years
	She's always so unhappy and almost close to tears
	It would make me happy, if when she next appears
	You'd greet her with a whistle or loud and happy cheers

Thunderthighs enters, also miserable.  Hopefully, audience cheers her, supported by enthusiasm from King and messenger.  Thunderthighs is somewhat surprised and looks around before realising it must be for her and so starts to smile.

Thunderthighs	(Horsey laugh.  Looks out into audience
	and points out District Scouter)
	Oh, Father, look carefully, out there can you see
	That man in Scout uniform, he looks as bad as me
	Do you think that we could marry and then he would be mine
	I'm sure that once we'd married, we'd get along just fine

King	Oh, no, Thunderthighs, he's far too old for you
	He's even too decrepit for a B S L named Sue
	We'll look here in this village, where there may be a peasant
	One who's deaf, dumb and blind, who won't find you unpleasant

Thunderthighs	Alright Father - (Horsey laugh)

King and Thunderthighs exit OP.  Curtains open onto a group of suitable peasants

Messenger	Make way, make way, make way for our King
	His daughter needs a man to give her his ring

King enters OP and stands just on stage.  Four peasants stand centre stage

Peasant 1	I couldn't marry her, just look at her face - (Laughs)
Peasant 2	Her stomach is huge, it's a real disgrace - (Laughs)

Peasant 3	Oh, her legs are so hairy, that I could knit a sweater
Peasant 4	And I feel like throwing up, I wish I'd never met her

Thunderthighs enters OP at end of above line.

King	Come on then, Thunder, we'll look further around
Thunderthighs	There may still be a Prince, somewhere to be found

King and Thunderthighs leave OP.

Song/dance number with Peasants

Puss enters, now wearing large green wellington boots and a loud waistcoat, and approaches four peasants at centre stage

Puss	Good morning, friends, how are you today
	I'd chat some more, but I cannot stay
	For my master, I must find a girl
	Intelligent, witty and won't make you hurl

Peasant 1	I'll be blowed, just fancy that
	I've never seen a talking cat - (Faints and is carried off by other 	peasants from back/sides of stage)

Peasant 2	Come over here, you may be in luck
	But, I'm afraid, she's an ugly duck
	The King, he wants his daughter to wed
Peasant 3	But, first he must take the bag off her head
(Laughs and rejoins group of peasants at back/sides of stage)

Peasant 2	As for her name, I'll tell you no lies
	Our dearest Princess is called Thunderthighs

Puss	If only they'd marry, I'd stop chasing mice
	I'd return home and live a life of idle vice

Don enters dressed suitably

Don	Did someone say Edelweiss
Puss	No, no, I said idle vice

Don leaves looking suitably depressed, hopefully to ahhh's from the audience

Puss	As poor old Cuthbert, he'll not get far
	So something must change to make him a star
	I'll give him a title and a huge estate
Pause to think
	Duke of Dorset, now doesn't that sound great

Cuthbert enters P

Puss	Hello there, Cuthbert, how are you doing
	I hope you feel ready to try some wooing
	But, first some sport to get you in trim
	So get your kit off and go for a swim

Cuthbert takes off clothes to reveal shorts then 'pretends' to swim at P edge of stage

Messenger enters from OP

Messenger	Make way, make way, make way for our King
(Amazed)	Who on this cold winter's day is out swimming

Puss hurriedly hides Cuthbert's clothes as King enters

Puss	Your Majesty, that man is a Duke, no less
	Despite the lack of suitable dress
	A thief has just stolen his Princely clothes
	And now he is freezing right down to his toes

King	But, what was he doing, out on his own
Puss	Oh, don't worry Sire, he wasn't alone
	For the people round here, they think he is grand
	Especially as he owns every bit of their land

King	Well, do call him over, to meet me here
	Meanwhile, I will fetch some clothes and a beer

King quietly tells aides to get clothes and beer.  Puss goes over to Cuthbert, whispers in his ear, then has to push and drag Cuthbert  over to the King, because he is worried about meeting the King

King	Oh, Cuthbert, please, don't be embarrassed
	I just wanted you to come to the palace
	For there is someone I'd like you to meet
(Aside to audience)
	And take my daughter from under my feet

Cuthbert	Yes, your Majesty, tonight will be fine
	Thanks for the clothes, I'll be there at Nine

Curtains close and Narrator appears

Narrator	So the King and Cuthbert say there goodbyes, but Puss still hasn't 	got his shiny black boots.  Meanwhile, back at the Palace, the 	Princess is looking for someone to marry.
(Dramatic arm swing during end of last sentence)

Narrator exits OP, leaving skipping rope on the floor (see later).  Thunderthighs walks on FOT from P and is talking to two servants who follow her to centre stage - one of each set of twins (A1 + B1)

Thunderthighs	Now, go on chaps, find me a groom
	There must be someone right here in this room
	I want class, someone who is pleasant
	With a bit of charm, so don't find a peasant

A1 + B1 part to P and OP then run round to door behind audience.
Thunderthighs looks as if she is deep in thought.

Thunderthighs	He must also be rich, oh, damn, I forgot
	Oi! Come back here - (to herself) - I'm such a clot
(She waves/shouts towards the wings during the 'Oi!')

A2 + B2 (other halves of twins) appear (carrying bag as below) from OP and P (i.e. opposite way to when they left the stage) and join Thunderthighs in the centre FOT

A2	What do you want, were doing our job
B2	Please excuse him, he's a bit of a yob

Thunderthighs	OK then, - (points to A2 ) - I'll forgive you this once
(Aside to audience)
	I'd better be nice, he looks like a ponce
	This man of mine, he'll need lots of money
	So search your hardest... - (arm round A2) - 
					...please do it for me, honey

	Now continue your search, you've got all the kit
(A2 + B2 move to P and search through bag.  Show map, compass and magnifying glass to each other so that audience can see items as well)
	And I'll do some skipping to keep me fit
(Thunderthighs moves to OP, picks up rope and starts skipping)

Two shady looking reporters appear in the audience, climb up the P stairs onto the stage and take photos of Thunderthighs as she is skipping.  Thunderthighs sees them, screams and runs off stage P.  Then A2 + B2 escort photographers off stage P after small scuffle.

Narrator appears from OP

Narrator	So, while the Princess is failing to improve her figure, her two 	servants are searching through the crowd for a suitable man to 	marry her.

Narrator leaves stage OP

A1 + B1 appear from back of hall, talking to each other about who they are going to choose.  They go round the audience and suggest a few people to each other e.g. Ken Old, Alan Jones, Mr Wilcox etc., but discard them as being too old/ugly/poor etc.  They eventually find two very scruffily dressed peasants (probably scouts unless you can get two members of the audience to do the competition bit) at the back of the hall.

A1	We'll have to take these two
B2	But, look at their clothes, they're filthy
A1	They're still better than the other men we've seen so far

A1 + B1 drag the two peasants up onto the stage and the curtain opens

COMPETITION

During the competition, each peasant says his bit then Narrator gets the audience to vote using their interactive chairs (as in cinema advert) i.e. lift left or right leg, hold up left or right hand etc. to vote for one of peasants.  Martin displays the winner of each vote and fixes result so that one peasant wins two out of the three rounds.  Martin/servant pronounces one the winner and is about to give the peasant to Thunderthighs to marry when the King enters OP.

King	Hold on everybody, what's going on here
	A competition, I see, now who's was this idea
(No one steps forward, so King carries on)
	I'll sort it out later, this bit of confusion
	Meanwhile I think I have found a solution
(Looks at Thunderthighs)
	The man for you is the Duke of Dorset
	With manners and looks...
(Aside to audience)				...and money, I'll bet

Thunderthighs	Oh, well done daddy, this man sounds so great
	A duke as my groom, this was always my fate

Clock strikes Nine and Puss walks in from P wearing silly slippers or other stupid footwear

Puss	Good evening, your Majesty, again we meet
	Please excuse the lack of boots on my feet
(Arm round King)	Don't worry, sire, he's sure to say yes
	And take the hand of the beautiful Princess

Fanfare - servant/butler type announces the arrival of the Duke of Dorset.  Cuthbert enters from P in regal dress, but he looks very bewildered.

Cuthbert	(Looks at Thunderthighs)
	Just a minute, what can I see
	A face so perfect and full of beauty

King	So, dear Cuthbert, this is my daughter
(Aside to audience)
	But, please don't ask from which farm I bought her

Cuthbert	Please take my hand and we can be wed
	Then we can leave and jump into my bed

Thunderthighs	Now, hang on a minute, why all the speed
	How do I know you're not wet and a weed
OR	(Now hang on a minute, why all the rush
	How do I know you won't give me your thrush)
	
Thunderthighs	Before we can marry, I'll need some real proof
	That you are a real man and not just some poof

Cuthbert	(Looking suitably worried)
	But, darling, what do you want me to do
Peasant	Well, first you can take her straight back to the zoo

Peasants etc. on stage all laugh.  Thunderthighs pretends not to have heard comment.

Thunderthighs	To kill a wild beast will be your big test
Peasant	Doesn't an ogre now live in the forest
Thunderthighs	The ogre sounds perfect, so before we can wed
	You must first find him and bring back his head

Puss	In just seven days, we'll be back here
(To Cuthbert)	Oh, stop shaking Cuthbert, don't show her your fear

Puss and Cuthbert go down into audience(Thunderthighs and others wave them off) and leave by door to one side of stage, curtains close and Narrator appears OP.

Narrator	So, Cuthbert and Puss head off to the forest although Cuthbert 	doesn't look too happy.  Meanwhile, deep in the forest, Mrs Ogre 	is having trouble with her husband.

Curtains open to show view of forest

Scene 3 - Ogres