Sorry for the crossposting. Hi, this is a fic written by me and Madame Blue, and was based off a story I read long ago called Ransom of Little Red Chief unfortunately I can't remember the author, if anyone knows please email and tell me so I can give credit. Warnings, extreme silliness and OOC behavior. Disclaimers: We don't on the the Gboys, they are owned by Bandai and Sunrise, also this fic was not endorsed by Starbucks. And now on to the fic.

Heero looked up from his laptop as Trowa and Quatre walked into their current safe house. Quatre was leaning on Trowa and looked very upset. Heero remembered that Duo, Trowa, and Quatre had gone for supplies and lunch, but now only two pilots returned.

"Where's Duo?" He asked as Trowa levered Quatre into a chair.

"He was kidnapped." Quatre answered looking at Heero, worry etched across his features, "We were coming out of Starbucks when several men pushed all of us into a van. Duo was giving them such a hard time, yelling and kicking, that they didn't notice Trowa and me slipping out the back door, but we couldn't get Duo out as well." At this Quatre looked down " I think they were after me. I heard one of them mention getting back at the Winners, so it anything happens to Duo it'll be all my fault"

Heero frowned thoughtfully as he watched Trowa try to comfort the distraught pilot. He couldn't help thinking to himself, ~Duo's a trained terrorist, but he lets himself get kidnapped? What's missing from this picture?~

"What did Duo have at Starbucks?" he asked finally.

Trowa answered him this time, "Some odd concoction. If I remember correctly it was a Grande cafe latte with double shot espresso, double shot chocolate, double shot raspberry, and single shot vanilla."

Heero's eyes widened a bit, but quickly composed himself. He murmured "So now we wait for the kidnappers to call." and turned back to his laptop.

Meanwhile, back at the kidnappers' safe house:

Four men struggled to carry one bound and wiggling teenager inside. This was complicated because every time they managed to get a decent grip, the teenager would jerk his head and manage to whap one of them in the face with his braid. Then one enterprising man, with extremely bushy hair, grabbed the offensive braid and held it tight, ignoring how he pulled at the teenager's scalp.

Finally getting inside, their black-clad burden was promptly dropped in a corner.

Kidnapper #1, "Now just calm down and keep quiet Miss. Winner, I. . ."

Indignant squawks cut him off. "Miss?! MISS??!!!! Listen jerk, first off I'm a boy, and my name's not Winner, it's Duo, Duo Maxwell, mrmpfff"

Kidnapper #2 hand shot out cutting off the torrent of angry words, "He's not a Winner's brat, do you think they'll still pay?

Kidnapper #3, "Well he seems to be friends with the Winner heir, so we can still probably get something for him."

Kidnapper #4, "Those other two have had enough time to confirm we have him by now."

"Mumf! Muh mum, mufum humhuf!" Duo was less than pleased, and having a strangers' sweaty palm slapped over his mouth was not improving the situation. Drawing back his lips in a snarl, he did the only thing he could think of...

K#2, "Yeow!!! He bit me!! I can't believe he bit me!" Clutching his hand to his chest, the man ran across the room to the kitchen, running water over the wound.

"You're making a BIG mistake, man! You do NOT want to ransom me, ok? I've got friends, man, and you do NOT want to get them mad! And if you think just any Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis can get murumf muh. . . "

Walking away from the trussed up and now gagged boy, the kidnappers gathered around an old card table.

As soon as the men had their backs turned, Duo started untying himself. It took him a bit longer than his usual 10 seconds because his hands had started shaking. Glaring at their backs, his plans of escape slowly twisted into thoughts of revenge. One of them had pulled his hair and they were -all- going to pay!

His lips curled into a devilish grin.

The sugar rush had hit.

Picking up the phone, one man paused to ask, "Since he's not a Winner, do we still call the same number?"

"You could always ask me."

Four heads turned in unison at that laughing voice. Standing behind them, hands on his hips and his violet eyes sparkling a bit too bright, was Duo. The rope and gag lay at his feet.

Rushing forward, they grabbed the hyper boy and re-tied him with a bowline knot. They turned back to the phone.

"You can do better than that!"

Next they trussed him up with a blackwall knot.

"Nope!"

A fisherman's knot...

"Puhleeze!"

A surgeon's knot...

"Use your imaginations people!"

They even tried a figure eight...

"You've never done this before, have you?"

Finally exasperated, they locked him up in one of the rear rooms. It didn't have any windows, so they figured he'd be stuck in there a while. Turning back to the phone, they dialed the number Duo'd given them and waited for it to ring.

They didn't have to wait long before a harsh, nasal voice picked up. "Yes"

The recently dubbed 'Francis' spoke quickly, "We have your friend Duo. If you want him back you'll pay 5 million dollars in 50-dollar bills. We'll call back in an hour for your answer"<click>

'Harry' smirked, "So know we wait and see how much the Winner heir values his friends"

Meanwhile, Duo was exploring his prison. He guessed it had belonged to some girl with paranoid parents. Why else would a room with no windows and that locked on the outside be filled with stuffed animals and covered with boy band posters? Looking for something to entertain himself and annoy his captors with, he found a tennis racket, some tennis balls, and several cans of silly string. Pulling out a lighter the kidnappers had missed when they searched him, a wicked grin spread across his face.

The four kidnappers were sitting anxiously around the kitchen table when they began hearing an odd noise coming from the back of the house

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump

Four confused heads looked up at each other

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

'Dick' asked, "What the hell could he be doing?"

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

'Tom' shook his head, "I don't know, but just ignore him. He'll tire himself out and quiet down.

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

Thirty minutes later:

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump

'Tom' groaned, "I was wrong. He's not tiring, and he's giving me a headache."

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

'Francis' nodded, "Same here. Let's go quiet him down."

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack

With that 'Tom' and 'Francis' got out of their chairs and marched through the halls to the rear room where they had stored their prisoner.

Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump Whack Thump

Duo heard the click of the lock as his kidnappers prepared to enter his prison. His maniacal grin grew even wider as the door cracked open.

"What're you. OWWWW!!!!!"

'Tom' 's words were cut off as a tennis ball slammed full force into his nose, spraying two streams of blood into the air. 'Francis' instinctively went to help his comrade and got beaned in the temple by another ball. They both fell dazed to the floor. Grabbing his lighter and a can of silly string, Duo sailed over the two prone bodies of the kidnappers. Dashing down the hall, he knocked over a table with a large, expensive looking vase, intent on causing as much damage as he could.

Hearing the cries of the two fallen kidnappers, and hearing the crash of the vase, 'Dick' and 'Harry' figured out that their prisoner had somehow managed to escape and moved quickly to recapture him. Unfortunately for 'Harry', Duo found him first.

Duo turned the corner, spied a bushy main of hair, and saw red. He remembered that man pulling on his braid.

"YOU PULLED MY BRAID!!!" he yelled, whipping out his lighter and the can of silly string. "YOU WILL PAY!!!!" He lit the lighter and sent a stream of day glow string through the small flame. The silly string burned in a long arc straight into 'Harry' 's hair, setting it off like a flame-thrower on a dry haystack.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY HAIR!!! MY HAIR!!!!" 'Harry' screeched as he went screaming down the hall in search of water. Leaving Duo to roam about at will.

Moving quickly, Duo found himself in the kitchen. Trying to figure out what kind of mayhem he could create in here, he noticed a huge bottle of Tylenol on a shelf. "You know, a tennis ball to the head has GOT to hurt. Awww, I just bet you'll want something for the pain! Tough!" With that, Duo poured the entire bottle of pills down the disposal.

One of the goons yelled "He's in the kitchen!" but Duo was ready. If one of them even tried to get into the kitchen, they'd get beaned with dinner wear.

"NO <crash> ONE <crash> TOUCHES <crash> MY <crash> HAIR!!! <crash>

First the plates, which Duo flung like frisbees, shattered to the carpet. Next came bowls, then cups and mugs. "I don't know why they call it Wedgwood. Look at that wall, the wood's not wedged at all!"

Laughing at his (very) bad joke, Duo caught himself in a yawn. "Uh oh, don't want my sugar high to crash just yet! What have they got in the fridge?" Keeping the kidnappers away with a barrage of breakable items (he'd since ran out of dishware and had moved on to glass bottles of beer, they were harder to shatter when he threw them but he still managed), Duo looked in the near empty freezer. "OH! Starbucks Java Chip Ice Cream!"

The other pilots refused to let him have it at home anymore, especially after the last time, (though he had apologized to Trowa as soon as they'd been able to coax the traumatized HeavyArms pilot back out of his room.) Gobbling down the treat, the mostly full container was soon empty.

Humming to himself under his breath, Duo had to admit, "There's a reason the guys don't let me in the kitchen."

For his next trick, Duo placed the now empty Tylenol bottle back on its shelf. Then he filled a large mixing bowl with flour. Adding enough water to make a goopy, sticky mess, he laid the lid on top of the bowl without snapping it down and angled it juuuust so on the top shelf of the Tylenol's cabinet. The lid would keep the goop from oozing, but when the cabinet door was opened, the lid would fall, and so would his mixture.

He thought about playing with the chemicals under the sink but decided not to. After all, he didn't want them to die, just suffer. So instead he poked about in the refrigerator some more. There wasn't much there, mainly leftover take-out, and he dumped everything he could find down the disposal. Then he took the two last bits of liquid refreshment other than water, a jug of milk and a jug of orange juice, and got out a pound of salt. Carefully pouring it into the two drinks (Duo figured he'd go about half a pound of salt each,) he then shook each of the jugs vigorously to make sure it was mixed. After putting the drinks and the salt back where he found them, he turned trying to find more stuff to mess with. Then he spotted a phone.

"Do I call the guys and end my fun, or do I mess with these jerks some more? Decisions... decisions... Ha!"

Bounding over, he saw the number for a local pizza delivery place and grinned.

"Gee... with all their food gone those morons are going to get awfully hungry. Maybe I should order something for them!"

< Ring Ring >

"Joe's Pizza Shack, home of the deep dish deluxe. How can I help you?"

"Yeah, me and a couple of guys are house-sitting, and want some pizzas delivered. Send us four larges, ok? One with pineapple, chicken and green pepper, one veggie with no sauce, one with anchovies and olives, and one taco pizza. Oh and we want double jalapinos on all of them. Got it? All of them."

"Got it. Can I have your phone number?"

Duo rattled off the home number listed by the phone. He had to assume the address in their computer was correct. Hanging up, he turned around and looked for more stuff to get into. Unfortunately, he missed the door opening until. . .

"GRAB HIM!!!!!"

Four bodies slammed into Duo, sending all of them crashing to the floor.

"Get him!"

"I got his foot!"

Spinning across the linoleum in a tangle of arms and legs, Duo slammed into a cabinet. Flailing about, he was able to get the door open and realized he was looking under the sink. Sure, it was all upside down, but it was still under the sink. Snatching at the fire extinguisher, he hit the nozzle and let it spray.

"Pin that arm!"

Soon the entire floor was a mess. A cold, foamy, slippery mess.

"Grab his hair!"

"DON'T TOUCH HIS HAIR!!!"

Slipping and sliding, Duo had nearly wiggled out from under the others when he was once again slammed against the floor. Slightly dazed, Duo realized he had one kidnapper sitting on each of his arms and legs. Relaxing, he decided he'd had enough fun in the kitchen for now. Besides, linoleum was hard!

'Tom' looked at the clock. "Hey isn't it time to call his friends again"

"Yeah, hold him down. I'll call them"

'Francis' got up from his spot across Duo's legs, and walked over to the phone. Just as the other end picked up, 'Dick' spotted the empty carton of ice cream sitting on the edge of the counter.

"YOU BRAT!!!! YOU ATE All OF MY STARBUCKS JAVA CHIP ICE CREAM!!!!! THAT CARTON WAS PRACTICALLY FULL!!!!!"

'Francis' thought he heard a gasp of fear over the line but ignored it. "Well what is your decision?"

The cold, nasally voice from before answered. "You can keep him." <click>

'Francis' stood there for a few moments staring dumbly at the receiver and then turned to his cohorts "They... they said we could keep him!"

Next Chapter

Back to Fan Fiction Archive