Outtakes

Helper guy: *frazzled* Um, Mr. Valentine sir? We have a problem.

Vincent: What? And if you say it's Sephiroth again, I swear I'm killing everyone on the set.

Helper guy: *looking nervous* Richard is dead sir.

Vincent: *eyebrow tick* Dead?.... Richard can't be dead. Richard is the star of the show. Richard is important. Richard can't die.

Helper guy: It was a mishap sir. You see the stylist got a little heavy handed with the gel and his neck couldn't take it. He died instantly if that's an-

Vincent: I don't care if he died instantly or not! Who the hell is going to be our star?

Helper guy: Well, I could suggest you-

Vincent: Get back in front of camera?! Ha! Never! *narrowing his eyes, he looked around the set spotting a boy with shoulder length blond hair a little ways away feeding the ducks and singing softly to himself.* You!

Boy: *looks up* Me?

Vincent: Yes you, what's your name?

Boy: *blinks* Cloud.

Vincent: Great, you're the new star of the show. Congratulations.

Cloud: Oh, but I don't want to be in the show I'm jus-

Vincent: WARDROBE!

3 hours and 10 gallons of hair gel later

Cloud: *walks out of his new trailer his step a bit off center*

Vincent: *looks him over* You look great. Get to your place we're already behind schedule.

Cloud: *tries to nod but his head hurts to much* But Mr. Vincent, I don't -

Vincent: Of course I understand. MOVE IT!

Cloud: Yes sir. *Moves swiftly to his place*

Vincent: *moves to his director's chair.* Everybody ready for the first fight scene.

Cloud: But-

Vincent: Great. ACTION!

Cloud: *looks at the two guards and then bursts into tears*

Vincent: CUT! Why are you crying?

Cloud: I don't wanna do this.

Vincent: Oh you're a grown man, get over it.

Cloud: I'm 10!

Vincent: * sweatdrop* Really?.....Oh boy so I guess we're going to have to cut out that scene with Zack...

Cloud: * sniff* I don't want to hurt anybody...

Vincent: Of course you don't...haven't you ever played war with anyone?

Cloud:* shaking his head* Uh-uh.

Vincent: Never?

Cloud: Uh-uh. Violence is bad.

Vincent: Oooook...

Helper guy: Oh I recognize him now...um, sir?

Vincent: Not now. I have a headache.

Helper guy: But sir, this is * real* important.

Vincent: I said, not now!

Helper guy: Bu-

Vincent: Shut up already!

Helper guy: eep.

Vincent: *picks up the buster sword and puts it in Cloud's hands* Ok let's tr-

Cloud: What th- get the *#@& off me!

Vincent: *backing away* oook...

Cloud: *glowering at the nervous looking guards across from him.* What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

Vincent: Um, I've explained- you're supposed to pretend to kill them for the first scene.

Cloud: *eyes darken* Kill? Cool. Let's do this!

Helper guy: Oh boy...

Vincent: All right.....action!

*Cloud goes into the fight with a bit more vigor than they expected....those poor poor guards.*

Vincent: Cut! Oh my good Gods!

Helper guy: I was trying to explain to you sir. That's Cloud Yuy, Heero Yuy's younger brother. Rude is supposed to be watching him... he has MPD sir, and all but the personality Cloud are extremely dangerous. They use medication to control the changes.

Vincent: Did you see that- that was amazing!

Helper guy: A lot of his personalities are homicidal, and one in particular has a thing for killing and drinking the blood of small animals, sir.

Vincent: That was amazing, Cloud! Let's prepare for the next scene!

Helper guy: Um, sir, are you listening? Sir!

Vincent: Yeah yeah, medication, crazy, mpd, homicidal, blah blah blah. Cloud, you are really good at this.

Cloud: *looking at him blankly* My name is Trowa. Cloud is being detained at the moment.

Vincent: Ok... I can live with that. Let's get started on the next scene shall we?

Cloud/Trowa:...

Vincent: Alrighty then. Set crew!

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The Turks

Vincent: All right lets get ready for Cloud and Reno's first meeting.

Rude: Let me give him his medication first.

Vincent: Why?

Rude: Becau-

*Somewhere in the background*

Cloud/Damien: You can't put me back in the pit! I won't let you! I'll kill you first! You hear me? I'll kill you!

Reno: Chill already! Woah! Hey! Where'd you get that?! AHHHHH!

*Reno comes running past full tilt followed by a crazed Cloud with a battle ax*

Reno: This was not in my contract!

Rude: Red hair upsets Damien.

Vincent: I kinda noticed...

*Several people in white coats go rushing past to catch Cloud and sedate him*

Vincent: Why don't you go help them....while I go flush my head down the toilet a few times, ok?

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Reno the neat and tidy.

Vincent: Reno?

Reno: Hm?

Vincent: Could you take the cigarette out your mouth for the scene. Maybe tuck in your shirt and comb your hair. Your character is supposed to be uptight by the book -

Reno: I don't like that idea.

Vincent: I don't care. Just do it.

Reno: But that's not how my character feels! He has-

Helper guy: I think it could work, sir.

Vincent: At this point I don't care anymore. Get me some aspirin....

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Everything went well for a while till we got to Aeris.

Aeris: No! I refuse to bow before the male oppressors!

Vincent: *rubs the bridge of his nose* But Aeris is supposed to be Cloud's love interest-

Aeris: Women have been seen as nothing more in your male dominated society as perky bimbos good only for the giggling and being rescued! I will not bend to your ways any longer! Women rise up against the oppression!

Vincent: OK...so who the hell is going to be Cloud's love interest?

Tifa: *wide vacant eyes* What's my line again?

Vincent: You don't have one right now, Tifa.

Tifa: Ohhhh, right.

Vincent: *blinking* Hey Tifa. Tifa! TIFA!

Tifa: *turning away from studying the little butterfly* That's me right?

Vincent: *sighing* Yes that's you. You're Cloud's new love interest.

Tifa: Ok...I like clouds. Clouds are pretty and fluffy and they sit up in the sky like great big balloons and- *looking confused* What was I talking about?

Cloud/Damien: Idiot.

Vincent: Oh great and he switched personalities.....Break time guys!

Aeris: Excuse me! There ARE women here too! You shouldn't just address the men- women have just as much right to a break as well as men!

Cloud/Damien: Will you shut up.

Aeris: Down with the oppressors!

Vincent: Right, whatever- let's just call it a day.

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Next day- Bright and early

Vincent: * sighs* Do we have to?

Helper guy: Afraid so sir.

Vincent: Fine. Sephiroth! You're up- we're burnin down the village today.

Sephiroth: GAH! MY HAIR! YOU INCOMPETENT WRETCH LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY HAIR!

Stylist: I-I'm really sorry sir EEEEEK !!!!!!

* Vincent watches the stylist go running past impassively* Well I can see now how the rest of this shoot going to go.

Sephiroth: YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS OUTRAGE!

Vincent: * turns to look at Sephiroth for the first time...blinks and then looks again* Oh.

Sephiroth: Oh? All you can say is oh?! Look at my hair!

Vincent: It's....it's....it's very silver.

Sephiroth: It's supposed to be black! That idiot put something in my hair and turned it gray!

Vincent: It looks more silver to me...You know that look works for you.

Sephiroth: What are you talking about!

Vincent: No really I think it could work for you...doesn't matter- you're on in five anyway.

Sephiroth: *huffing, he goes back to his trailer*

Vincent: Seph?

Sephiroth: What?!

Vincent: What are the chances of getting you to cut your hair for the part?

Sephiroth: I'll be IN my trailer!

Vincent: None I guess...Make sure that stylist gets off the set alive please.

Helper guy: Will do.

Vincent: Oh and get me a bottle of something really really strong....

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The basement scene...

Vincent: Ok Seph here is where you go insane. Now how about a little drool for the camera?

Sephiroth: I do not drool.

Vincent: Well you've gone insane it's in the script your supposed to be a drooling psychopath...

Sephiroth: I do not drool.

Vincent: *sighs* Fine. No drool. So how are we supposed to know your crazy? Hm?

Sephiroth: * frowns in thought for a moment* I can laugh...Although I don't see why Sephiroth has to go crazy at all. All he really needed was a nap and a sandwich.

Cloud/Damien: Yeah and some Prozac.

Sephiroth: This coming from the man with five personalities?

Cloud/Trowa: * blank face and monotone* Don't start with me. And it's seven. Killer, and Hatred don't come out often.

Vincent: Ok.... Let's try this again....

Helper guy: Basement scene take 5.

Sephiroth: Gah ha ha ha ha.

Vincent: Cut! Seph how about a little bit more emotion.

Sephiroth: I still don't think he should have to go crazy.

Vincent: Whatever I really don't care. Just do the scene.

4 hours later.....

Helper guy: Basement scene take 488

Sephiroth: Gah-

Vincent: CUT!

Sephiroth: Oh come on!

Vincent: That laugh sucks!

Cloud: * having just had his medication forced down his throat* Oh I'm sorry Sephy but he's right.

Sephiroth: * narrows his eyes* traitor.

Vincent: That was perfect! Quick rewrite!

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The flames the flames!

Vincent: Ok Seph easy part. All you have to do is walk through the fire...ready? Cue the flames! And ACTION!

Sephiroth: * looks at the raging fire, then down to his clothes back at the fire then at the camera arching a brow* How stupid do you think I am? I have over six feet of hair and 60 lbs of hairspray in it! Not to mention I'm wearing leather!

Vincent: * Deadpan with his chin propped in his hand* You're going to be difficult about this aren't you?

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How Vincent got into the game.....

Vincent: Where the hell is James?

Helper guy: mmm....

Vincent: What now.

Helper guy: He quit sir.

Vincent: Of course.....and why did he do that?

Helper guy: Sephiroth tried to kill him sir...

Vincent: Of course. Find a replacement.

Helper guy: ...

Vincent: What now.

Helper guy: I tried sir, they can't get anyone and since Sephiroth's hair care has pushed us overbudget we have a problem sir.

Vincent: Wonderful....so who is going to be James?

Helper guy: Well sir James is supposed to be a tall handsome dark haired broody vampire type man named Vincent.

Vincent: ....Your getting at something aren't you?....Wardrobe!

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Yuffie's adventure

Yuffie: This whole scene is stupid. It has no point it has no plot. Why the hell would she steal from those losers anyway?

Vincent: Yuffie.....do you see what I'm wearing? If you could even comprehend how uncomfortable this thing they put on my arm is... you'd know better than to start with me while I have a gun in my hand.

Yuffie: Yeah but-

Vincent: Look I didn't write the stupid script, ok?! You get more screen time and you get paid more. So do it!

Yuffie: * smoking a cigarette* I can live with that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skipping ahead to when Aeris is about to die

Vincent: Ok we are at the romantic scene Aeris and Cloud....could you two pleas-

Aeris: NO! I refuse to work with that unstable freak anymore!

Cloud/Louis: Heh heh heh

Aeris: Look he bit me!

Vincent: But there is a lot more scenes left to do-

Aeris: I don't care. I refuse to work with these people anymore! I don't get paid enough for this!

Vincent: Fine...REWRITE!

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6 months later

Vincent: This is finally over thank the lord all we need is this last shot and I'm free!

Tifa: Oh that's so wonderful! * blinks* What were we talking about?

Cloud/Trowa:...

Vincent: *sighs* Make-up! Wardrobe! Set up Sephiroth for the ending please!

Sephiroth: Get away from me with that coconut oil woman! Gah! Hey get your hand off my butt!

Cloud/Danny: *Looks up from the squirrel he's chewing on smirking*

Vincent: Damnit Danny put down that poor creature! Rude come get your charge!

Rude: *sighing* Come here Danny give Uncle Rude the squirrel...

Cloud/Danny: No! Mine!

Rude: Yes I know it's yours...just give me the squirrel for a little while.....

Cloud/Danny: * pulls the squirrel close to his chest* No! Mine!

Vincent: * sighs* Stand in!

Yuffie: * smoking a cigar* Can I leave now? All this perky perky crap is making me sick.

Vincent: * throws his hands in the air* That's it Tom wrap things up I'm going home!

Helper guy: Yes Sir!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 months later

* Vincent is sitting on the beach drinking out of a coconut Cid right next to him reading ' The Grapes of Wrath', sipping a martini.*

Vincent: * sighs* At least one good thing came out of that nightmare. *He pats Cid's hand*

Cid: Hmm. Indeed. Nevermind I portrayed the crudest creature in damnation.

Vincent: * stretching* Mmmm true but you were so cute.

* phone rings*

Cid: * arches a brow* Don't answer it.

Vincent: * frowns* Why not?

Cid: I have a bad feeling about it...

Vincent: Oh don't be silly. * picks up the phone* Hello? * goes pale* No. No. NO! There is no way I'm doing that again! What? &*^$ the new cast I don't care! Do you know what kind of hell FF7 was? Oh it's a hit I still don't care! I never want to hear the words Final Fantasy again in my life! So what! You did what? Here? Damn you! Contract? What &*^^%ing contract? No way! Fine I want a 50% raise and a summer house in - Yes! Do it or else! I don't care! I don't care! No- listen to me carefully- I-don't-care! Fine! * slams down the phone* Bastards!

Cid: * reading his book* Trouble, dear?

Vincent: You're looking at the director for FF8.

Cid: Told you not to answer the phone.

Vincent: Oh, can it, Cid. * leans over to kiss his smirking lover anyway* Anyway they say the cast has been sent here. I'm supposed to meet them at the studio tomorrow.

Cid: Lucky you. Have fun.

Vincent: What you aren't coming with me for moral support.

Cid: I'll be at home ready to pamper you and pick up what pieces of your sanity there is left.

Vincent: Aw. So sweet of you.

Cid: I know.