With the band on hiatus and you living in
California, we've heard rumours that you got into a
fight with River Phoenix in front of The Viper Room.
Any truth to this, and if there is, what was it all
about?
Well, that is half-true. Actually I got into a fight with the ghost of River Phoenix. He was still all fucked up, even in the afterlife, and then he started giving me shit about my corporeal body and what not, and I was in a pissy mood to begin with, because Johnny Depp had just tried to grab my ass inside - twice. So I wasn't in any mood to put up with an undead incarnation of River Phoenix. One thing led to another, and he ended up in my ectoplasmic containment unit, you know, like the Ghostbusters carry around. Of course, I may have been hallucinating all of this during a heavy night of drinking. It's much more likely that I was just wrestling with my roommate's massive Care Bear collection.
There's no question that you were the driving
musical force behind Shag Bark Hickory. We've heard
other projects by members of the band, and it's clear
they have no idea how to play any instruments or write
any songs at all. What was it like having to make up
for that gaping lack of musical ability in your
bandmates?
Well, I wouldn't say I was the total driving musical force, it was definitely a team effort. Plus Shag Bark Hickory was always more than just the music, it was the whole philosophy - excuse me, I'm talking past tense here when I shouldn't be - Shag Bark Hickory IS a philosophy, a way of life, not just for us, but for everyone who experiences the Bark, which is to say, the entire world population. At the end of the day, sure, I brought the riff at times, but Shag Bark Hickory is far more than just those three chords I was playing - Shag Bark Hickory is - ah hell, this is sounding corny. You know what I mean.
Several of Shag Bark Hickory's songs had the word
"shoes" in the title, and fans have long debated why
this is. Any insights you'd like to share?
Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Coleman. No I didn't.
On a recent edition of VH1's "Behind the Music,"
Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich stated that SBH and
Metallica quietly settled out of court when you and
the other members of Shag Bark Hickory sued them for
stealing the word "Reload" to use for an album. Many
longtime fans of both bands were shocked, as this was
the first time any of this had been made public. How
did all that go down in your words, since Lars made
you guys sound like total dicks?
Well, I look at the whole thing - or rather, I look at Metallica - as being very similar to those people who claim the Holocaust never happened, or that Mother Theresea was a slave owning child molester. Everyone knows we had the album title first, because honestly, who would believe that Metallica was clever enough to title one album Load, and then the follow up Reload? No one, that's who. But yeah, Lars has had it for us since the beginning, and they've been jacking our titles forever. "Kill 'Em All" same from "Kick 'Em In The Nuts" and "Ride The Lightning" stems from "Ride The Snake" (original title for "Shake The Crime Stick" - you'll notice the first lines are "Ride the lightning/ride the snake"). Plus, if you listen closely, on a couple of albums you can hear me playing music that Metallica later turned into such sentimental radio favorites as "One" and "The Unforgiven" and "The Unforgiven, Part 2" so who knows what they're going to steal next. Not that it really matters anymore, since no one gives a shit about Metallica these days. What did that St Anger thing sell? Three copies? Pathetic.
Of course, they're not the only ones to steal from us. Michael W Smith stole a ton of shit from us, including his name. Let's see, Beck toook "Pagan Haircut" and turned it into "Devil's Haircut." Ozzy Osbourne learned about our upcoming album Shag Bark At The Moon and shaved off the shag for his own profit. However, "Hazard" was originally written by Richard Marx, we simply covered that. And Ambitious Career Woman's "'i' Before 'e' Except After 'Shut Up'" is just a happy coincidence.
Rumours are circulating that the old Shag Bark
Hickory tapes are set for re-release on cd. Is that
reliable information, and if so, when can we expect to
hear "Turn the Crank" on X103, Indy's hard rock
alternative?
Well, we don't want to give too much away because then it wouldn't be a surprise, but if you're a betting man or woman, I wouldn't shy away from putting 50 grand on "Kant Kontrol the Rock And Rol" being on Indy's X103, "Michael's Shoes" on Chicago's Q101, and "I Wish I Was Corey Haim/Corey Feldman" on LA's KROQ.
Word has it that you were brought in to do a
last-minute rewrite on the Steve Martin/Queen Latifah
comedy smash "Bringing Down the House." How did you
manage to get that gig, and what did you bring to the
table?
That is a horrible damned lie belched from the foul maw of Satan.
I did write most of the songs in Chicago, though. I thought it'd be funny to see just how awful I could make those songs and still get away with it, and I'll be darned if the fucking thing didn't win best pitcher of the year. All I had to do to land the gig was spend an afternoon with Harvey Weinstein in his office with a jar of vaseline, a yarmulke, Michael Eisner, and a bungee cord. That's really all anyone in Hollywood has to do if they want work.
Another well-publicized tiff between SBH and other
high-profile media power players was the recent
accusations by Bishop Lawrence that his song "I'm
Tappin' and Singin', Somebody Get the Homo Trap" was
removed from the soundtrack of the film version of
"Chicago." Do you still have contact with him and the
other members of the band? What are your thoughts on
this fiasco?
Well, this all ties in with that fateful afternoon in Jewy Weinstein's office, but I'm sworn to secrecy.
Circus Boy also recently sold a screenplay to a
major Hollywood studio in which a small-town band
becomes rich and powerful and then disappears when the
members scatter all over the globe. Apparently he
sold the screenplay for over a million dollars. Are
you or the other band members getting any residuals or
other compensation for this film, which is obviously
based on the Shag Bark Hickory story?
Uh, I'm not, but after Chicago did so "well" I'm not sweating it. Not sure about the rest of the band. I can, however, say that the Shag Bark Hickory story is far from over.
(bonus question)
A reliable source told us that Dave said he's smarter
than everyone else at the hotel. Why did he say that,
and is Toni taping down her clitoris like that big
lesbian from "Hannibal?" The book, I mean, since she
got cut from the movie.
Well, it's been a few weeks since that show ended, so I, like anyone who bothered watching it, don't remember a single person from it.