Unknown Hero:  Chris/Justin Yeah. You stood by and watched with cautious eyes as Justin and Lance fell in love. You hovered, and protected them--from each other and the public. You separated them when necessary, and pushed them together when it was time. It was tricky, but you knew that youthful hearts were finding relieve in each other. Winding away from fame into each others arms--because they needed to. They had to. And it was okay with you, evidently, because you helped Justin sneak into Lance’s room, and you convinced Joey to keep curl out in the dead of night to give them privacy. You bought Justin condoms when he came to you that night in some no name European city with wide eyes and a trembling hand-- and you listened to his jittery voice question you about sex. Would it hurt? Would it make him a sinner? Would Lance still love him in the following days? It broke your heart to hear so much fear accompany the “love“, but you held him tightly, and kissed his pale blonde curls, and told him that there was nothing as sacred as the first time. You whispered into his ear “You never stop loving your first.” Something sort of disintegrated inside you that night as he nodded and tucked the plain brown paper bag containing the condoms under his arm. A break maybe you hadn’t expected. After all, Justin would still love you. Right? All that night you lay in bed, with Joey snoring in the bed beside you, thinking about Justin and Lance. You tried to close your eyes, to fall into slumber. But images and sounds of their lovemaking forced their way into your mind. Covering your head with a pillow did nothing to stop the phantom sounds. And when you turned the television on, Joey threw a soda can at your head. So you resolved yourself to staying up, and crawled down to the hotel’s gym, pumping weight furiously to block the scenario from your head. But still couldn’t decide why. What was it that drove you in the dead of night to feel such hostility. Anger toward Lance that Justin was giving his virginity away. The pit of pain that decided to land in the corner of your heart and sit there--for months. ******************* They broke up right before the millennium, and you held Justin as he sobbed on your shoulder. It was hard to see him quake with such emotion, his young face splotchy from crying for so hard. And you wanted to find Lance, wrap your hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him for doing this. For telling Justin he needed to explore other roads. For telling Justin he was bringing Danielle with them to Hawaii for New Years. For even daring to speak the words “it’s over”. You didn’t talk to Lance for a while. And your heart grew more protective of Justin. When he came to you just before the trip to tell you he’d asked Britney to go, your body tensed. And you shoved your clothes tightly into a small bag while forcing a smile you didn’t really mean. “That’s good, J,” you said. You lied. You hid. You forced yourself to accept the hidden pain because that’s what friends do. Besides, you had Dani. So it all made sense. Things were as normal as they were going to be. Until you got the call, nearly 2 years to the day, from Hawaii. And that distraught voice coiled over the line, shredding you. “Chris. Help me. I need you.” Justin needed you, and you went. Red-eye from LA. Biting your nails and jiggling your leg as the trip stretched endlessly along. He hadn’t wanted to speak, to tell you what was happening. Only you could hear the destruction in his tone, and the tears that fell across the ocean. He needed you, plain and simple. And that was all you had to hear. Nothing could have prepared you for the sight. The posh suite that was wrecked, twisted upside down as if a tornado hit. And there was Justin, curled on what was left of the bed. You went to him and stared at the angelic face, tearstained and reddened. Just as it had been with Lance. You knew. Britney was gone. His heart was crushed once more. His spirit traumatized again. It infuriated you, made you ready to strike. But now was not the time, you knew.  So you curled in bed behind, careful not to wake him. You draped your over his waist and you pulled him against your chest, just to feel him breathe. Your palm flattened against his heart, and it beat solidly, throbbing dejectedly against your flesh. Too much pain for someone not twenty-one yet. You vowed to protect again. And this time swore you wouldn’t fail. It was clear that while he was mature for his age, he’d suffered the woe of two lifetimes. Spirituality. That thing Justin always spoke of publicly. The spirituality you shared as friends. Silently, in the blue tones of the room, you pressed your nose against his neck and prayed to God for the first time since you were a kid shivering in a car with half a floor. You prayed and begged, and pleaded for light to guide your way. For a simple path that would allow you to protect him from further heartache. ********** “Did you ever consider the fact you are in love with him?” the therapist asked. At the time, you thought it insane...and were quite offended that you spent three hundred dollars an hour on this woman with the pointy nose and eagle eyes. “I’m not in love with him,” you said, but your lips twitched and your heart slammed with earnest against your ribs. It was the first time you considered that possibly she was seeing what you refused. “Okay, alright. I was just asking how far into yourself you’ve looked. You talk about protecting him like he’s your lover.” A snort fell from your lips, and you folded your arms defiantly across your chest. “Justin is my friend,” you stressed, ready to just get up and leave. But your ass was planted firmly, and you knew you were listening. Daring some reason to enter your mind. Battle with moral play and all that shit you hated. “My best friend,” you added, in case she didn’t get it the first time. “And as such, you often curl up with him, hold him, and let him use you as an emotional springboard.” The words fled through your body, nipped at your ears and turned your cheeks a brazen shade of red. And you adjusted your baseball cap so your hands wouldn’t fist in  your lap because she was striking hard. Harder than you were ready to hear. “He’s very sad,” you said, and your teeth scraped together, angry that you had to even speak of Justin’s broken spirit. “He found love twice and both times it was ripped away from him. Without his consent. Or approval. No one asked him. They just took and left this...this shell of a kid behind.” You were leaning forward, and suddenly lost in this dance where your blood boiled and your feet tapped on their own. Deep in concentration--thinking about those teary blue eyes and soft cries that plagued the golden child so often. The boy who had everything, yet nothing at all. “And you think you can save him somehow?” she asked. It was almost too much anymore, you thought as she droned on about your place as a leader for N Sync. When she hit upon points you already knew. Ideas you buried because you wanted to just be. Not a leader or protector. Because you just wanted to be Chris. And be in love. “I’m not in love with him,” you said as the timer dinged, reminding you that time was up. But as you slipped your leather jacket on, you realized that was exactly what you were. In love with Justin. ****************** “Wanna talk?” you asked when Justin rolled onto his side and stared into your face. So lost and scared it almost broke you in half. “She...left me.” It was a gentle tone, but you could see the grief hidden behind the bravado. Justin couldn’t hide. Not from you. “Why?” you asked, already calling her every name your mind could conjure up--already plotting her painful demise. Especially since you’d warned her in the beginning. Told her about Lance and how fragile Justin was. Questioned if perhaps she should back off a bit and give him time to heal. It was too soon, in your opinion. She’d laughed, and brushed your concerns away with her hand. “Nonsense” she’d said. “I love him.” Fuck her. Because it was a lie. Love didn’t make Justin’s face look like it did. “Said I was holding her career back. Too clingy.” He paused to wipe his nose with the back of his hand, so child-like. So innocent. You pushed that ire back down, choked on it until your vocal chords stung from the stress. And listened. “She said I loved her too much.” The way he blinked at you with glassy eyes pierced your heart because you couldn’t make it stop hurting for him. There was no wand you could wave, or price you could pay with all your millions to make that sting stop stomping across him. But it was the way he curled into you, and clutched at your back. The way his shoulders shook while his lips quivered against your lips that really shattered you. Changed your life forever. “Chris, why won’t anyone love me? Why am I unworthy of it?” The world spun for you. Tilted around with kaleidoscope designs, and bright colors that blocked a clear sight for you. Nausea attacked your gut, and you held Justin tighter than you ever had. The words fell from your lips before you could stop or think. Words that were so ill timed, no one sane would say them. But sane and you never seemed to eye the same page. “I love you, Justin. Forever. With my heart and soul. With every ounce of myself that I have.” The confession echoed about  in your mind, tumbling around the cavernous space as if you had no brain. It attacked your body fiercely and you held on, with your eyes snapped shut and your lips mumbling in silent prayer. ************************ “I’m gonna vomit!” Joey teased, crawling over your legs to grab a handful of popcorn. “If you two kiss one more fucking time. All over your lap!” “Ugh, no one should be this fucking happy,” JC sighed, pressing his cell phone to his ear. “Shut up,” Lance grinned, tossing a throw at you. “They’re happy.” The gleam in his eye told you how thrilled he was. And you were surprised that he’d been your number on support in the journey. Justin rolled his eyes and stretched against you contentedly. His silence was heard, however, and he rubbed your leg gently under the blanket. You knew what he was thinking. What he was saying. With that one motion you could see his world and mind in align with yours. And fuck whoever didn’t get it. “Game’s on Joe. Give up the remote.” You maintained your leadership. And your protective nature toward them all. Because you were Chris. And that was what you did. Only now, Justin was your rock. Your world. Your soul. So there was no need to worry about him anymore. [ menu ]  [ feedback ]