Old Me vs.
New Me
Despite the fact that I have
a million and ten things to do today, I am taking the time to do my morning
pages? Why? Oh the reasons…1. I’m having the WORST DAY!!! 2. I’m stressed and need to vent…even if just to
myself…and 3. I’ve been really slacking on these lately and I was catching up
on my reading last night and feeling all guild ridden
for not doing them. I’m also going to
really strive to do all three pages…instead of my usual 1 and a half, because
supposedly the third page is the brilliance page. So maybe that’s why I haven’t been feeling
like I’m getting a whole lot out of these…then again, it could have to do with
that whole lack of doing them thing…
In a desperate attempt to
get off of that topic as fast as is humanly possible…
I saw hottie
man yesterday. God I
really like that guy and I REALLY hate that I really like that guy. The more I see him and the more he talks and
laughs and smiles…the more I like him and it’s so fucking pathetic of me that
it makes me sick. Crushing on a guy is
what the old me would do. She’d dream
and fantasize about a guy she knows she can never have. She’d get all giddy when he talked to her and
over analyze everything he said. Old me was pretty pathetic.
She just sat around being all…pathetic!! And lonely
and believing in romance and meant to be. And then, when prince charming showed up, she
was so fucking happy…it was all worth the wait…bla bla bla …She lost
herself in him and then when he rode off into the sunset with another girl on
his horse…she fell apart.
New me
is hard and tough. New me doesn’t cry
over men and new me tosses them to the curb before they even consider doing that
to her. In fact new me
doesn’t even let them get close enough to be in the position to be tossed. New me almost never
gives her heart out and she knows how to laugh it off and chalk it up to lesson
learned when it gets ripped out and stomped on.
New me is outgoing…not all shy and quiet and sweet…although I’m
surprised to find that some people still do see the sweet side…I mean not that
I come off as mean, cause I know I don’t, but new me refuses to be the pushover
that old me was…New me is flirty and witty and funny and sarcastic and cynical
and the perpetual single woman and okay, maybe a little lonely, but loneliness
builds character…and yeah, got character coming out my ears, but…it also leaves
room for creativity…not stifled girl…nope, not me. New me is focused on my career and not
romance because I finally understand that romance is an act and if it’s not an
act then it’s a joke…the jokes on you because you’ll fall in love and be so
happy and then BAM! It will all be taken away and the flowers and the cards and
all the sweet gestures and words will be bitter memories haunting you and
serving as the salt in your wounds.
Wow…I guess new me is also a
little jaded. It pisses me off that after all these years I can still come off
as so angry when I actually let this all out. New me doesn’t
want or need a man in my life. New me doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want to have kids and
sure as hell doesn’t believe in meant to be.
New me actually questions the concept of god at
all and praying for anything because if it’s not destined there isn’t anyone
helping and if it is then no amount of me asking for anything is going to
change it. No matter how much you beg
and plead, the executioner is still going to pull the trigger and the bullet
will still lodge itself in your skull.
So yeah, new me sure as hell doesn’t pine over some guy that never thinks
about me when I’m not there. New me turns down dates because the guy is wearing an ugly shirt
or because he mumbles when he talks or because he didn’t make me laugh enough.
New me does NOT hope for one stupid chance to talk to
some…MAN! So what in the HELL am I doing liking this guy? I’m sure he has a
girlfriend…guys like him…guys that I like…they just do, and if not…I sure as
hell won’t end up with him. I think it’s
been so long now, I just literally can’t picture it
happening…it just doesn’t seem to be in my cards. I can’t imagine ever being
with anyone ever again and I can’t imagine arms around me that don’t feel
unfamiliar and superficial and wrong. I can’t
imagine a kiss that is familiar and all mine. I can’t imagine having someone to
tell anything and everything to and to fall asleep next to every night. I can’t
imagine it because I had that and it was taken away and why should I be lucky
enough to get it twice. That’s just not
how new me is and that’s sure as hell not how it’s supposed to be.
So yeah, hottie
man gave me a look yesterday…kind of one of those smiles, raising an eyebrow
and smirking…I think it was an attempt to be flirty…either that or he had
something in his eye.
J
(Whoever said writing was
therapeutic…have you read the ramblings from my head?)