What's the Difference Between...
One's a massive, noisy, scum-encrusted hulk and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.
Drummers get paid to play... somewhere else.
It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.
- Chainsaws sound better in ensembles.
- Your neighbors get upset if you don't return their chainsaw.
- Vibrato.
- The Grip.
- The Exhaust.
You can tune a 57 Chevy.
The bari holds bigger plants.
Skid marks before the skunk.
Nobody cries when you chop a soprano sax into little pieces.
The sopranoino player could kill you.
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The snake might have been on its way to a gig.
The theory does not have as many leaks.
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
"I'll take it".
He walks out with his brass rat heading for home. After half a mile he hears a scampering noise behind him, Looking round he sees a large black rat following him. A hundred yards further on and he is joined by hundreds of large black rats all following him. He comes to the town square and passes a number of busking saxophonists.
Past the square he turns down a side street.The rats are closer now and he is becoming frightened. He runs. They run. He turns left down the river bank and in panic throws the brass rat into the river. All the black rats vere off and jump into the river and drown.
The next day he passes the second hand shop again. He
goes in and enquires if they have for sale a brass saxophone?
"What did you accomplish in your lifetime?" he asked the second guy. "I invested in Microsoft and made three billion dollars. I left it to my children so that now none of my children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren will ever have to work," he proudly replied. "That's amazing!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "Go on in".
Now the third person walked slowly up to Saint Peter. "What did you do to better the world?" Saint Peter asked. "Well, I only made five thousand dollars", he replied humbly. Saint Peter then asked, "What instrument did you play?".
The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking
guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"
"About 60."
"What kind of reeds do you use?" He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.
Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
"So," one said to the other, "what brand reeds do you use?" Light Bulb Jokes (Run for your life!)
Five. One to do it and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.
Better get the drummer to do it. The sopranos are all busy fighting about Kenny G.
- One. She holds the light bulb as the world revolves around her.
- Sixteen. They do everything in large groups.
- One. But he will do it too loudly.
- They aren't going to. Does God change light bulbs?
- None. She will get her boyfriend the drummer to do it.
- Just one, but she'll take two hours trying to find just the right one.
- Ten. One to hold the light bulb and nine to drink until the room spins.
- One. But the vibrato will break three bulbs.
- Don't let them! They'll drool in the light socket and electrocute themselves!
- Well, if it takes and IQ of ten to screw in a light bulb...Two Hundred.
Miscellaneous
Hornography!
"How much?".
Contributed by Erictwigger@cs.com
He asked the first man what good deeds he had done in his life. "Well, I struck it rich in the oil business when I was young. While I was alive I earned a few million and donated half of that to charity." "Very good. Go on in," said Saint Peter.
Only one, but the mouthpiece must be willing to change!
One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."
Me neither.
Drool.
"Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"
The drool comes out of bothe sides of the bari player's mouth.
Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.
You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.
"Hey man, long time no see! What's happening?
"Don't talk about it! I've had the worst time lately. You know I split up with my wife?"
"No, man I never heard. Sorry."
"And my house burned down with my saxophone in it?"
"Wow, I didn't hear about that!"
"And then I got these terrible cold sores."
"Hey I'm really sorry, no one told me."
"Then because of all my troubles and a horrible borrowed horn I played the worst gig of my life last Saturday night."
"Yeah, I heard about that!"
Alone.
"Help me, help me!" the frog said, "I used to be a classical saxophonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!" So Ethel picked the frog up, put it in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along. Shortly, the frog popped out of Ethel's pocketbook, and repeated (in its inimitable way), "Help me, help me! I used to be a classical saxophonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!" Ethel picked the frog up, put it back in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along. "Why'd you do that?" asked Mabel. "Why didn't you kiss the frog and break the evil spell?" "Frankly," replied Ethel, "you can make a heck of a lot more money with a talking frog than with a classical saxophonist!"
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?
Will the defendant please rise.
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
10. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&Ms.
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, "That's interesting. I'll go back home now." The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. "That's enough for today", he said. The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. "Okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!"
A professional.
No one will look for them.
"Hi. I'm better than you".
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Someone who owns his own C melody sax.
Gifted.
It's just an optical illusion. The baris aren't big, it is just that the player's heads are so small.
It's just an optical illusion. The altos aren't small, it is just that the player's heads are so big.
To get away from the saxophone recital.
Two altos playing in unison.
Take the batteries out of her electric tuner.
Homeless.
Most stores close at 6:30.
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Man blows into it but only God knows what comes out.
Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in. When she looks inside she sees two saxes.
It is harder to hit a moving target.
"Mommy, Mommy, guess what?
Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player." The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player." On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?" "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."
"Isn't that the saxophonist's Porshe?
Go back to the beginning but play it right this time.
Give him some music.
Put notes on the music.
Hey, it could happen.
You don't have to be good to get someone's attention.
Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'- so I took it!"
Their personalities.
What's funny is that you would think the second one would have seen the first one do it.
So they can get disability discounts.
An optimist.
His hat says "Pizza Hut".
Take off the Pizza Hut sign.
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
"Year-At-A-Glance".
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one alto player every hour.
Do you want fries with that?
There is no place for them to hide their drugs.
All of them.
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you are hallucinating.
The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives' village. All through the night the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."
God knows what, but it sure sounds like old lawnmower parts.
He hated mankind but couldn't build an atomic bomb.
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.
A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D, None of the above. A saxophone player never, but never practices. The risk of
learning to play is too great.
Contrary to popular belief, saxophones are
percussion instruments and are meant to be beaten by hammers.
Large hammers.
After a time, a lovely lady scubadiver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, " You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?" While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar. She gazes into the now-smoking man's face and whispers, "and how long has it been since you have had a real drink"? Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy. As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, "And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?" The man scrambles to his feet and yells "Oh my gosh, you don't
really have a saxophone in there do ya?"
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