General
- Concert Band
- Marching Band>
- Jazz Band
- Beginning Band
- Repair
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General
If anything can go wrong, it will.
Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
If a series of events goes wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.
Fix one spot in the music and another spot becomes a train wreck.
If everything seems to be going well, you've overlooked something.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would happen and enjoys saying "I told you so" (usu. a trumpet player).
Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be small. As time remaining approaches zero, the effort approaches infinity.
Corollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
Band students playing correctly will always follow the students who are playing something incorrectly.
When something is done well, four trumpet players always complain that it could have been done better (by them, of course).
1.Office aides always interrupt rehearsal with "all calls" when concentration levels peak.
2.Students late for class are always those who sit in the middle of the band.
If a new, more confusing school schedule can be developed, it will.
Corollary: Advanced courses are only offered the same hour as band class.
After school club meetings and teacher conferences always occur the day of that most important after school practice.
Assemblies are always presented during band period - especially the week before any type of concert or contest.
Fire drills will always be held in the middle of band class the week of festival.
Corallary: If a fire actually did start, but during another class, all students would have no clue about where to go.
The largest fundraising check will, invariably, bounce.
Half of all fundraising prizes received will refuse to work and have to be sent back.
At least one student will wait till next year to turn in fundraising money.
Corollary: He/She will also try to turn in all the unsold items.Concert Band
Basson players, oboe players and players of other exotic instruments always move out of the district, not in.
Some errors always go unnoticed until the music is in print.
After receiving an advance copy, the first page the composer turns to contains the worst error.
Find the perfect solo for a student, and the piano accompaniment will be missing.
Corollary: The piece is out of print.
Students hate music with seemingly unconquerable difficulties.
Corallary: The harder it is the more they hate it, the less they practice, the worse it gets.
As the program is being read, if a composition or composer's name can be mispronounced, it will.
If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected.
At least one name will be left off each concert's program.
Corollary: It will most likely be the child of the principal.
If a march can be rushed, it will.
Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's ineptitude to execute it quickly.
The longer a rest is, the less likely a section will enter after it.
At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will train wreck in concert.
Clarinet squeaks never fail to happen in the most exposed sections of a piece.
If parents can clap at the wrong time, they will.
After a concert, parents rave unendingly about the rock tune played but say nothing about the demanding classical work by Mozart.
At least one entry form and check will be late for any contest.
Corollary: The check is in the mail.
The music stands will wobble.
At the district concert festival three other bands will play your most difficult piece.
Corollary: All three perform ahead of you and perform it better.
The melody will be in an instrument you do not have (ie. oboe).
Corollaries: If cues are miracuously provided, they will be given to the weakest section.
The tuner will be left behind on out-of-town performances.
If, by some miracle, it is remembered, the batteries will be run down.
Forgetful students will always forget something.
At least 3/4 of the instruments will stay at home the day after a performance.
Corallary: At least half of the students will, too.
There are always more pictures and articles about your rival's school band in the newspaper than yours.
Marching Band
There will always be at least three band students who can not find a uniform that fits.
Corallary: No matter how you switch uniforms, there will always be at least one really tall person left with a super small uniform top.
After summer practices there will always be at least three holes in the drill.
Corallary: They will all be in the same line.
The 1st trumpet player is also the drum major.
Ex. Our band's ex drum major, Tresha.
Any tune the director chooses as a closer will have a end note one step higher than the first trumpet can screech.
Director's can still write a stupid drill on their computer.
Corollary: At least it's readable.
The one and only thing worse than developing marching drills is seeing the end product on the field.
The potential for disaster increases in direct proportion to how much electronic equipment is used to prepare a halftime show.
Buses will breakdown on the longest trips.
Corallary: The band will already be an hour late.
The stands for the visiting band will be rusted, bent, and almost impossible to use.
Corollary: The stadium lights will be in front of the stands so no one can see the music after the sun goes down.
When entering a stadium for the very first time, bands that enter on the south side have seats on the north side.
On game, festival, and contest days 50% sunny = 100% rainy.
If because the clouds are dark and it looks like it's going to pour the director decides not to march - during halftime the weather will clear. If he/she decides to march, the rain will begin the moment everyone plays the first note.
In any drill movement, at least two people are out of step.
Corallary: The people behind them will become out of step and so on.
When in doubt, do a company front.
If a majorette's baton isn't glued to her hand she will drop it.
Corollary: The drop occurs near the side-line.
At every away game, at least one uniform part will be left behind.
The day before a Christmas parade the weather will be in the mid 70's and clear. The day of the parade will be 5 degrees below and there'll be two feet of snow.
The worse the football team, the greater the appreciation for the band.Jazz Band
A student's practice time is directly proportional to how many sheets of pop or rock music he/she possesses.
What you can't say, you can't play.
If you don't have it in you, you can't blow it out.
Most students hear what they think they are playing - not how it actually sounds.
At every rehearsal, at least one brass member's mute will disappear.
If a director selects one of four sensible interpretations of a piece, the three judges will like the others ones better.
Beginning Band
For every one student in beginning band wanting to play tenor sax, there will be six who want to play alto sax. For every kid wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play flute. For every child that wants to play oboe - oh well, they won't.
Corollary: The one student who wants to play bassoon will move to another state the second week of school.
Buy a new instrument one week and you will find a better price a week later.
If a parent can find a cheaper, unplayable instrument from their second cousins ex-wife's brother's attic, they will.
1. A quarter of the beginning trombone players will be hearing impaired.
2. Beginning trombone players use their spray bottles on other band members more than on slides.
If the dotted-eighth and sixteenth can be swung, the beginning trombone player will swing it.
At least one beginning band book will be left on the music stand after class each day.
Corollaries: 1. It will usually be the same student.
2.If it's not the same student, there will be no name in the book.
All alternate fingerings taught will be immediately forgotten.
The number of of cameras present at every beginning band concert equals the number of musicians times two.
Instrument Repair
Instruments are easier to break than to fix.
An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time.
Corollary: The instrument will belong to a 1st chair player.
Anything will work if you fiddle with it for a long enough time - except, perhaps, a fiddle.
1. When trying to replace a pad on a woodwind, all available pads will be too large or too small.
2.The screwdriver with the right size tip will be misplaced when a woodwind key needs to be tightened.
3.When a pad is accidentally dropped it will magically roll to the very least accessible part of the room - like under an immobile cabinet.
After fixing a key on a woodwind, three other keys will malfunction.
Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge.
Corallary: The student owning the instrument will try jamming it in a door in hopes it will come lose - instead it will be forever ruined and still not come out.
A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it.
Corallary: When it gets home the problem will reappear.
Brass valves will stick on test days.
Corollaries: 1. They will not stick when the director tries them.
2. They will stick again when the student resumes playing.
Corallary: If you take it apart too many times you will end up with only half of one.
Directing
1. You are never as good as the previous director.
2. When stuck, blame all of your problems on the previous director.
If you are doubtful of an administrator's consent, do what you want and repent afterwards.
The director's triumph with logistical interests at school is directly proportional to his/her connection with the custodial personal.
New students who have come from another city always play an instrument you have plenty of.
Chalk and an eraser are always available when you don't need them, but instantaneously disappear the second you do need them.
Given enough instruction, any student can become completely confused.
Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be one person that wasn't paying attention and will ask you the exact same question you just spent half an hour answering.
Don't assume students remember anything from one day to the next.
After threatening severe disciplinary action against the next student who talks during class, that student will be your first chair trumpet player.
Give a stern talk about being on time and you will be late to the next rehearsal.
The budget is inversely proportional to the size of the music program.
Should the superintendent request music, it will be at the last possible minute and there will be neither score nor first trumpet part to found.
For every meeting the length increases by the number of teachers there squared.
Corallary: You will be stuck in at least one the week of every festival.
During the sight reading portion of concert festival you will have to conduct from a condensed score.
The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return.
You will have to wait another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child.
"The check is in the mail."
"Just one more time..."
Any pay raise is just significant enough to escalate your taxes and just insignificant enough to have no effect what so ever on your take-home pay.
Do a great job and you will be asked to do more.
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