scolded me. But certainly I would not be happy when my sisters were given clothe of colorful and flowery prints on them. I was so soft a person I never was useful to any manly task. Therefore, I used to slip in my sis’s dresses. I often used to feel that I would have been a girl. But I was afraid of the limited area of movements of a girl/ woman which is a creation of our society. Although GOD has given each animal complete freedom to live without harming others. A few individuals may be bad. But society should not be bad (with limited analyzing powers). The people in a society give a great importance to the causes of a handicap or a mad (mantally ill) or a patient of HIV and etc. but it has failed to understand the agony of transexuals. I have seen people distancing their own kid because it is a trans. Trans is also mental and genetic problem. This problem neither society nor Govts are understanding. I am a very shy natured and very sensual person. Therefore I was always afraid of society or Govt. Although, we have known as culturally very forward. But for us westerners have to teach us some sort of culture of accepting a person as he/she is. Although our Hindu scripts mention about Ila who gave birth to a historical child although Ila was borned male and became female later on. Like wise the mother of the Bali and Sugreeva was a man who desired to become woman and gave birth very strong kids. Arjuna and Shiva have undergone such a phase. Even our GODs can convert themselves as woman when required. Even our holy script says there is only one GOD who appears as GOD or as GODESS in the form as the devotee worships. Therefore, it is not a curse as ordinary people think. It is the pre-determined handy work of the gene/ hormones. Those also work according to our wish. When our wish is to live as a woman/ a man (transexual) which is the task of the gene/ hormones, why one should treat it as curse. Why these people should not be accepted just like any other handicapped / mentally ill / patient person. This is where our Govt./society have failed to understand the justice to be made to these people. My sympathy is with the people who are undergoing such a life. Except for the denial of their rights by Govt & by society they are otherwise very happy, very creative, very kind, very good people. They want to contribute to the society, but for the non-acceptance in the society they could not. They are struggling for in living their life. Their life is very miserable. I am afraid of by looking at their fate. That is why I kept postponing undergoing transition. But how long I can fight with my mind and feelings. Therefore, I consulted a doctor and got required prescription very long back. But I was frightened to purchase them very long a period. Ultimately, on 9th of June 2005, I mustered courage and bought estrogen and progesterone pills/ injections. Only twice I used in the beginning an injection it used to be painful and pain was used to stay for a week time. Although, by now I have lost the prescription sheet and a contact with the doctor, I know very well the medicines required for such transition by now. Therefore, as on today (i.e, 10-05-2006) my chest has come to 36” size. The side effects, I am facing is in morning I wouldn’t like to leave bed early perhaps changes are taking place in my body; I am feeling it. And frequent urination and lost of earlier strength may be effect of the medicine. I feel heaviness of my bike which I never felt earlier. That is HRT. Even After six months on HRT when I used to take micronised progesterone 100mg daily may be I took the dose for a week, it seems, later on, I thought to go for 100mg for every alternative day only, after second day after reduction of the dose I saw gum like discharge in by breasts. May be it caused due to production of lactation. However, thereafter I maintained the reduced dose schedule. No such discharge thereafter, I know why it stopped. I am not willing to stimulate the lactation as I am waiting for full growth of them as I was told it takes two years for achievement of full growth. It may not happen to all it depends again on a type of gene you inherit.
Later on when I completed my 5th Std in a school in my village, I was sent to the some distance town for my further education. I had to stay in boarding meant for boys. Even wherever I studied they were all boy’s schools. Strong handsome persons used to look at me as if I am his girl friend. I don’t know what girls thought about me as never in my life I have come close to any girl so as to understand their feeling about me. But they have always shown respective look towards me as I come across and understand them. Although, I proposed to marry a beauty. But she coolly denied it, perhaps, because I was not rich or not of her caste or due to pressure from their family. But whatever happened was for my good only as my feelings were like girls (may be extraordinary). Perhaps I would have lived as a friend to a girl but never as a husband. Any way it never happened with me as always GOD has saved me from such a roll. I always felt as a cool girl inside but as a soft boy outside for outer world. May be at a hype of my puberty, I was boy out of my home but girl inside of my house (not parent’s house). When I started working I always hired a rental house and never hired room. As I wanted to live as if a full time girl. I always liked staying inside my house doing all house hold work on my own. I like cooking, cleaning vessels, keeping house clean, washing my clothes, scribbling programs in my computer, decorating house with plants and creepers, bringing up my tulasi plant and having my own worship room, TV, cot & bed, sewing the clothes with my own tailoring machine. Even I am very happy to take care of a guest. Even I wished to become a doctor or a beautician or a dancer. I dance, may be not well. These, lady’s characters are spontaneous in me. I have not learnt them from any body. I automatically switch over to opposite in my house and every thing changes my behavior, walking, attitude, expression on my face/ movements of every organ of my body, feelings, likes & dislikes.
I don’t mix with people usually as I just afraid of showing up at any point of time my different personality (transexual). Except my father, everybody in my house know that I live opposite. Because, once when I was totally changed personality all lady members of my family gave surprise visit to my house in an early morning ( of course for my sis it is not strange as she lives with me.) when I was in a bath room. When I came out they were all stunned to see me as a girl in front of them and I was also stunned to stand before them as a girl.. Of course they, excluding my sis, were not happy to see me like that but it was inevitable for them and me. However, I would try to avoid to change thereafter, just for their comfort, when they used to visit us.
Although, my sis stayed with me for last six years, she is afraid of staying with me now. Because once what happened we thought to have dinner outside, usually after returning from office I live opposite inside my house, as it is we went together walked up to bus stand caught a bus and traveled to a market place and entered a restaurant and we enjoyed a very good north Indian food till that time everything went normally. After t dinner since there was cool breeze outside. we werewalking reached a small playground cum park which is common in garden city amongst the middle of the residential blocks. We thought to spend some time their as it was pleasant place. My sis and me were talking this and that though in a low tone. Suddenly we were caught in surprise to see some young boys group just back of the small fence that separates the play ground, where we were sitting, we heard the voices and looked at them. They started to come close to us. We became alert and swiftly started walking away. They followed us and over took us. We had to stop as our way was blocked by them. Their courage is appreciable in the middle of residential blocks (it is a well laid fully developed block of good residences developed by B’lore Development Authority) they surrounded us. They eyes were not towards my sis but they were all glancing towards me. For a moment I was at a lost. Even there were no ideas flashing to my mind how to escape from them. They were all strong boys. We were two girls. They mistook me for a beauty. Then they started to speak one by one. They asked me how much to pay tell us. We are ready to pay. They started quoting their amount and went on increasing it. They also told they were following us since near bus stop where we caught a bus to market. Mean while I was really feeling in a hell and moreover I was worried about my sis. We were showing body language as if a fish is taken out of water. some how we wanted to escape from their clutches. They were so close to me I was worried a lot what they are going to do with me. It was unthinkable to me at that moment. Some how took my sis hand in my hand and pulled us out off them. We started walking fast. They did not stop. They also started walking behind very close to us. They kept on shouting raising about the amount. Then we caught an auto and told him to leave us at next stop so that we can take cross road and reach our house. we saw them following in autos. But we did not look back and reached our house. since then my sis is frightened. Therefore she left me alone. Once in a while she comes and gets back to my parents place.
Although she took me to Lord Shree Krishna temple once and flower were given in the temple. She fixed to top of my braid. I pity for us in a society like this. It is not safe to move out side for a beautiful girl. People look us at as if they want to eat us. Most probably these people are not good cultured. Even I have seen some gentlemen who either does not wish to look at us or pretend like or well cultured. They respect your freedom. Some of them look at me as if they want to ask for whether they can of some help. But the ugly faces are more in number. When I ventured in a train as a girl from B’lore to Shimla a very long journey. In stations when used to walk to buy something I used hear calling me. Even I remembering saying no to such requisitions. Of course there were good people in my journey. In a junction I had to change my train that was a next morning. I had a nose ring but my nose was not pierced. I went inside a toilet in the couch and started piercing my nose with a needle on my own. After some time train stopped. I thought it might have reached some station. My luggage were at my birth in the reserved couch. I was alone. I felt the trained has stopped very long. By that time I had pierced my nose and wore my nose ring. I came out of the toilet but surprised to see the couch was without passengers and their luggages. And to my surprise when I nearing towards my birth I saw a gentleman standing alone close to my birth. He seeing me told you have change the train this is the last stop for this train. I was really frightened about whether my Dehli bound express had left or not. I asked him you are standing here. You are not changing the train. He told since you were in both room I was waiting for as your luggage is there. So he was guarding my luggage. My GOD you are great bless these gentlemen always. How nicely they take care of ladies. Then what about my boy friend. I have not told anything so far, about him. Yes I have got a very handsome boy friend. He is in abroad. He is some sort of silent person. He is very potential, loving and caring person. Only worry is he cares for all good persons. I am bit selfish here as I love him I don’t want loose him at any cost. Moreover he is away from me. That is how I feel him missing badly. When I ask about it. He says you are always close to me. Even I am far off from you. That way he is bit merciless. That is what I think. He says he wants test my love. I am far off for whatever a great extent of period even then you would keep loving me then you certainly love me. That is the real test of love. I don’t know why he behaves like that. Sometimes I feel whether I would loose him? Maa bless me so that I don’t loose him for ever and always stay close to him doing his service, supporting him in all his endeavors. How badly I wait for him to stay close to him. How I try to beautify myself so that when he comes back I attract him the most.
In schools I stood first to the classes and used to receive cash awards from school organizations. As I know except in english I was very good in all subjects. I did not get good education / guidance in this subject. However, later on I developed some fluency in the language. Still I don’t give good grade but not bad to I myself in this subject. I studied science and in degree I switched over to economics just to gain knowledge about the social sciences. Well I completed my PG also and did dip in computer applications. Mean since after graduation I entered the club of yogies who were highly spiritual. We were conducting classes in yoga that is about maditation, and prnayama. I made good progress in my spiritual life. But I could not reach to highest level conciousness. My endeavor in this field is still on I don’t know when I reach perfection in this field. But I am always grateful to almighty for having taken me in this field also. I have got lot of concern for aspirants in this field when I reach highest level I may get back to help all these very good people.
However I have more concern for transexuals as they don’t have any place in the present India in particular and world in general. As I myself is a transexual person I understand their agony of passing in the society. Indeed I feel sorry for the Govt. for not recognizing their problems. If it is not Govt. who has to support them. Because they are the one who need lot of support in respect of under going HRT, operations, change of name and records and etc as they are of cast away by their families and society and are exploited by rouges and police. I hope Govt. will realize its responsibilities towards them as state is supposed to take care of the people who need support in all respect. They are very soft beings. They have every rights in the society on account of the equality and freedom granted to each individual/animal by GOD. If such rights are denied by the society it is the state which should come to their rescue and fulfil its duties restoring every rights which are granted by GOD to all (them).
I have loaded below some of my HRT result photoes in addition to separate photo pages. As of now I am on HRT since 2005 without any surgery except I could get rid off my fecial hairs with the help of laser in 5 session with Rs.4,500/- on each session and with the help of electrolysis which I have done on my own. I removed the balabnce of hair whatever left out after 5 laser sessions with the help of my portable electrolysis machine which runs with a battery. Now I am feeling alright. At least now I am free from fecial hairs. I am not able to muster fund for the other surgeries. I am also in dilema whether to undergo on such other surgies in India or in Thailand. In India surgoens are not exposed that much to the surgeries of a transexual although sebveral of them have performed some surgeries. Even today some surgeons do not under stand the jaw reduction and treachial shaving. Of course many of them have performed the SRS on M2F and F2M. But when I compare the results achieved by the surgeons in Thailand, I feel to go there. But I am afraid of cost which much cheaper in India. For only SRS in Idia it cost about Rs.1 Lakh. Whereas in Thailland it costs you sum of Rs.3.5 lakhs. That much difference is there in terms of cost. Sometimes I get discouraged because of requirment of fund for surgeries FFS (Fecial Feminisation Surgeries ) and SRS (Sex Replacement Surgeries ).
Thanks for listening to me.
Saumya
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