From the L.A. TIMES:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake.  But, I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.  Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Reggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained.  "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon!!', my cue that
he'd had enough.  I tried to retrieve Reggot, but he would not come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next.  "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.  It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, which in turn, ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up in the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.


    TOP 10 things that scare me the most about this story:

10. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum..."   OUCH!!!!

 9. "so I peered into the tube..."  Aaaaah, I'm sorry, but that's like
    looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd rather use binoculars to
    stare into the sun.

 8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot
    out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and
    Bullwinkle.

 7. Suffering from a broken nose from a gerbil launched out of someone's
    ass.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
    springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".

 6. People walk around with volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectum.

 5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
    when taken to the emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I would have made
    up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
    into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I
    admitted the truth.

    Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and
    saying, "well doc, it's like this.  See, we have this gerbil named
    Reggot and he took this cardboard tube..."

 4. "First and second degree burns to the anus" Wouldn't this make the
    burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief?  How does
    one ever take a healthy dump after something like this?  And the smell
    of burning anus must be in the five top most horrible scents on the face
    of God's green earth.

 3. People named Kiki, which is obviously Polynesian for idiot white man who
    inserts rodents anally"

 2. What kind of hospital holds a press conference on this?

 1. This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those Mormons?
    I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.