YOUR HOROSCOPE ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ PISCES You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ARIES You have a wild imagination and often think you're being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TAURUS You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you're stubborn and bullheaded. You're nothing but a goddamned communist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ GEMINI You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you're bisexual. You're inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you're a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ CANCER You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why you'll always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LEO You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You're vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ VIRGO You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and coworkers. You are cold, unemotional, and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LIBRA You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you're male, you're a queer. Most Libra women are whores. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. All Libra's die of venereal disease. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SCORPIO The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You're a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most scorpios are murdered. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ CAPRICORN You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. Basically, you're a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------