Basic Rules For Cats
                                  Who
                          Have A House To Run

1. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly.  If 
   you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If no Oriental rug, 
   shag is good.  The most delicate silk-covered antique chair makes the best 
   scratching post.
2. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door opened, stand 
   on hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.  Once the door is open, it is 
   not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door open, 
   stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is 
   particularly important during very cold or hot weather, rain, snow and 
   mosquito season.
3. Guests:
     a. Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most and sit on that lap.
        If you can arrange to have "Friskies Fish & Glop" on your breath, so 
        much the better.  But remember, the best lap is the one belonging to 
        the guest with the heaviest allergic response to you.
     b. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric 
        color which contrasts well with your fur.  For example, white fur goes
        well with black wool clothing.
     c. For a guest who claims, "I love Kitties!" be ready to be aloof with 
        disdain, apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle to 
        discourage familiarity.
     d. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look 
        surprised and hurt when scolded.  The idea is convey, "but you allow
        me on the table when company isn't here."
     e. Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do 
        anything, just sit there and stare.
4. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay 
   with the busy one.  This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.  
   The following are some rules for helping:
     a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of cook. You 
        cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, 
        picked up and consoled.
     b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, 
        unless you can manage to lie across the book itself.  For people who 
        read newspapers, pretend the newspaper is a fort to play under, or lay
        on it to make sure it won't float away.
     c. For knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter and pretend to
        doze.  Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. 
        This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn.  The knitter may try to
        distract you with a scrap ball or yarn.  Ignore it.  Remember, the aim
        is to hamper work.
     d. Newly bought groceries or freshly delivered boxes need to be properly 
        inspected before anything can be put away, and be sure to sleep on 
        the instructions if anything needs to be assembled.
     e. For those of you in a high-tech household, it is important to become 
        computer literate so that you can step on the escape button before 
        they have saved their work, and sleeping on the keyboard can have the 
        added benefit of crashing the hard disk.  You are giving your human a 
        needed break from on-line services and computer games.
     f. Watching television is serious business.  Wait until the most 
        important scene in the movie or the tie-breaker point is about to be 
        served and walk on the remote.  If this doesn't change the channel, 
        then the volume change will wake up your human.
     g. On laundry day, be sure to help with folding sheets or towels.  Wait 
        until a clean load is fresh out of the dryer and make a nest out of 
        anything from the delicate cycle. Or wait until the stack of towels 
        is twice as tall as you before you decide to fall asleep on it, since 
        the artfully disarranged pile makes a most comfy bed.
     h. Bed making is an art.  Wait until two of the four corners of the 
        sheet are in place, and then jump onto the bed to make sure the 
        sheets are smooth.  If the blanket is floating down as you jump up, a 
        beautiful cat lump is achieved.  There is no better ornament for a 
        bed than cat cleaning itself on the lacy boudoir pillows.
5. Fpod and Water: The freshest water is always located in the glass presently
   being used by your human.  Test it first with a paw, then push you face as 
   far as possible into the glass. Toilet water and water from the faucet 
   when they are brushing their teeth are also good choices.  Wet food is 
   always preferable to dry food.  If you have to eat dry food, never settle 
   for anything that comes from a membership warehouse or discount pet store.  
   So much the better if you have to get it through a vet's prescription.  No 
   matter how many other times during the day you have been fed, make sure to 
   look longingly at the refrigerator whenever your human is cooking dinner. 
   They might forget that they just fed you five minutes ago.
6. Play: This is very important.  Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are 
   fresh for playing Catch Mouse or King Of The hill on your human's bed 
   between 2am and 4am.
7. Begin training early: You will heve have a smooth running household.  
   Humans need to know basic rules.  They can be taught if you start early 
   and are consistent.