* GOOFY (SUPPOSEDLY TRUE) CONVERSATIONS WITH AT&T OPERATORS *

"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa."
"Who did I Call? LONDON?"
"No, this is Londa."
"WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?"

"I've been on hold four months."

"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"

"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!"

"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"

"Is 30% more than 10%?"

"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a different
plan."
"I'd be glad to do that.  May I have your area code and phone number?"
"You'll have to look it up.  It's a non-published number.  I don't give it
out."

"I think you're screwing me!  I'm going to throw my phone out the window with
me in it!"

"To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR."
"How do you spell `operator?'  I'm not a math wizard, you know."

"I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!"

"Where is area code 900?"

"I want to tell you about this phone I invented.  The AT&T operator was very
rude to me-IS THIS SPRINT?"

"Is this an average size bill for you?"
"I think so...it's usually around 3'' by 5''."

"I just dialed a wrong 800 number.  Will I be charged?"

"That call is to an adult entertainment line."
"Oh, well, at least he's still interested!"

"I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!"

"I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls.  These people are
threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting obscene with my daughter!
I don't know who it is...they always call collect."

"When I dial my motherland, she is not very good speaking!"

"No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay your bill."

"I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill."

"Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,' so I'm calling."

"Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?"
"That is a True Confessions line."
"But we are not Catholic!"

"All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius."

"How can I help you?"
"You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!"

"What countries do you usually call?"
"Germany and New Jersey."

"Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here."

"Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?"

"My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on fire all week."

"I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission from God."

"Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls."
"The Frog Department?  Would you spell that?"

"I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I just say condom?  I
meant CONDO!"

"I'm going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me."
"I can explain it to you, ma'am."
"Yeah, but I like His explanations better."

"Can I get your name, please?"
"Who."
"Yours.  Can you give me your name, please?"
"Yes...my name is spelled H-U."

"I was just trying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue as my
favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab!  The FBI isn't going to
arrest me, are they?"

"I need a number I called recently.  It should be on my next bill."
"I'm sorry, sir.  Those calls are stored on magnetic tape.  We don't see them
until the bill is printed."
"Then go listen to the tape!"
"Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility."
"That's okay. I'll wait."