Author: Sam

Story: I Spy With My Little G.I.: 15 of 17

Series: The War Within

Song Note: “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” is a comedy version of “Stars and Stripes Forever”. It was released in the very early 1950’s by Fred Allen. No one knows exactly who may have written the spoof lyrics, or what the exact date of the performance was; however, I am including it due to the very funny image of Trapper singing it.

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Seven long, bone-weary hours later, the patients had all been taken care of. Naturally, the surgeons, having gone on only a couple hours of sleep, were practically falling down. Emil Standish had even had two doses of pain medication during surgery; it was the only way she’d been able to keep going. Despite having performed only at a slow pace, and only simple surgeries an intern would have been given, her efforts were appreciated by the rest of the tired staff. Due to her aid, that was seven hours of minor surgeries less than what they would have had to do without her.

Finally, exhausted, the staff of the MASH 4077 drifted out of the surgical suite into the bright sunlight of the early morning. Too tired even to exchange grunts of goodnight, the surgeons and nurses drifted in different directions, the men joined by a very sleepy Radar O’Reilly while Emil stayed in stride with Hawkeye and Henry Blake, not yet heading for the Father’s tent and her temporary bunk, though the good priest was following the trio in slow exhaustion. Thus, it was almost a quiet surprise to hear Trapper’s voice break into weary song, the tune a rendition of the recently released “Stars and Stripes Forever”.

“Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck may be somebody’s mother. They live all alone in the swamp where the weather is cold and damp...” He stopped short at the door to his tent and chuckled softly, “Speaking of swamps, you coming, Hawk?”

Hawkeye grinned back. “Start the martini for me. I’ve got a house call to make.”

“Oh, yeah?” Trapper’s eyes lit despite exhaustion, “which nurse?”

“That’d be telling,” Hawkeye shot back and gave his best friend a slight push into the Swamp.

Blake reached down and absently stroked the camp mutt’s ears, letting the conversation wash right by. He wanted nothing more than a stiff drink and a soft nurse… err bed. Slightly dazed from the long hours of deep concentration and delicate work, Henry let his eyes drift behind them towards the surgery tent. He ran a weary hand over his stubbled face, but shot it out instinctively as Emil swayed, catching the other doctor’s elbow, “Whoa!”

“Don’t take your hands off of him, Colonel!” Frank, followed closely by Margaret and, of all the annoyances certainly not needed after a long surgery, Colonel Flagg. “We’ve got you now, you disgusting commie!” The last was said in an extremely loud voice, Burns obviously wanting to draw attention to the arrest.

A moment of stunned silence followed this triumphant pronouncement but was interrupted by Hawkeye’s sarcastic, “I knew it!” and Trapper’s “He can’t be!” Henry frowned at Emil, then turned that frown on Colonel Flagg, skipping over Burns completely, a fact not lost on Margaret, who immediately pulled herself stiff in indignation for her fellow major.

Chaos suddenly burst forth as Trapper and Hawkeye began throwing random comments about communists back and forth, with the occasional compliment to Burns for catching him. Apparently, they were on the same mental wavelength, as normal, but Frank was entirely missing the sarcastic humor being had at his expense. Finally, the Father’s determined voice broke into the mayhem, bringing temporary sanity back to the small group.

“Who is charged with Communism, Major?” He could tell it was most likely Doctor Standish, but wanted verbal confirmation of this accusation.

Burns opened his mouth to comment, pointing towards Henry Blake, still in a semi-crouched position with one hand tangled in the dog’s ears and the other hand steadying Emil’s elbow. Trapper jumped in before the Major could speak, however.

“Well, Father, since he told Colonel Blake to hold the commie, it’s very obvious just who has been trading military secrets against us. The very thought of having fed him, bathed him, given him a place to sleep, rubbed his tummy...”

Stopping short, Frank’s eyes widen and his face twisted in disgust, “Rubbed his tummy? You pervert!”

Father shook his head, catching onto the joke. His lips wanted to twitch, but this was far too serious a matter.

Flagg took that opportunity to step into the verbal fray. “True, the dog is a communist, Doctor, but we’re not arresting him today. You can release him, Colonel... he’ll slink back over to his own side, no doubt.”

Everyone stared intently at Sam Flagg; if they didn’t know better, they’d have thought he was continuing Trapper’s joke. The truly terrifying thing was that Colonel Flagg was dead serious.

“I have the authority to put this man under arrest under the charge of spying for the communists.” He gestured towards Emil.

“Oh, come on, Mary.” Hawkeye gave Flagg an exasperated look.

“Don’t call me Mary. Only my mother calls me that.” Flagg’s tone was as deadpan as ever.

“Doctor Standish isn’t a communist, Colonel.” Father Mulcahy was trying desperately to keep this conversation on the matter at hand. Emil’s life could easily be in danger if such nonsense was believed.

Flagg turned a hard stare on the priest, steady and unblinking. With a long, drawn out nod, he said, “And you would be Father Mulcahy, co-conspirator.”

If it was mayhem before, all Hell broke loose then. Even Margaret found herself avidly protesting the accusation that the Father was a Communist. Henry’s “Oh, come on now!” was overshadowed by Radar’s yelp of indignation and Hawkeye’s angry, “That’s going too far, Flagg!” In fact, other people, attracted by the previously loud proclamations of Major Burns, were adding their protests to those of the doctors’. The fact that Frank didn’t protest at all was lost entirely on the steadily angering crowd. Only Frank Burns, Colonel Flagg, Doctor Standish, and Father Mulcahy remained silent, and Emil’s silence was only due to drugged exhaustion rather than a lack of desire to defend her childhood friend from such a nasty accusation.

Calmly, Father lifted both hands and raised his voice above the shouts. “Calm down everybody. I am sure we’ll get to the bottom of this.” He never took his eyes off of the Intelligence man, continuing as people fell into a hostile grumbling, “why don’t we continue this discussion in Colonel Blake’s office? There we won’t be disturbed.”

Blake called out, “Right. My office, now,” and the entire group, onlookers and participants alike, headed towards the Commanding Officer’s personal space. Hostilities were very much evident, and if it hadn’t been for the presence of the officers, the enlisted men might have torn apart the visiting Colonel; Father Mulcahy was arguably one of the three most popular men assigned to the MASH 4077, right up there with Hawkeye and Trapper.

Upon arrival at the small office, Blake looked around the crowd with annoyance. “Go to bed, everyone! Officers, into the office.” He held the door open as a small group made their way inside and the larger group grumpily, and slowly, started milling about, trying to look like they had business at least in the vicinity of the building. Henry let the door close behind him, unaware the Radar and Klinger both jumped forward to eavesdrop on the all important meeting. The two silently vied for position at the door, and finally were able to satisfactorily arrange themselves, Klinger standing and Radar kneeling, both with a ready stethoscope pressed to the crack.

As the door shut behind him, Henry Blake glanced around the room and moved to the chair behind his desk. Normally ineffectual with command decisions, he was too angry over the offensive remarks made by Flagg to think. As he wasn’t letting himself think, he wasn’t second guessing himself. At that moment one could almost see how Henry had been given a command; he wasn’t bumbling or stuttering one whit. Too incensed to sit, Henry stood there, glaring at Colonel Flagg as he demanded, “Okay, Colonel, you’ve got my full attention, and that of the command staff, now. You better have a damn good reason of accusing my Chaplain of being a Communist.”

Margaret, her mothering instincts, which had first driven her into the nursing field, took hold and she silently put a firm hand on Emil’s shoulder, forcing the wounded doctor into the one open seat. The other seat had been claimed by Sam Flagg. The Head Nurse may have been gung-ho about arresting the alleged homosexual Communist, Standish, but she regretted allowing the Father’s name to be mentioned at all. A priest couldn’t help who came to him in confession or what was said, after all. She was sure the Father would have come forward on his own, if they hadn’t pressed the matter so quickly. After all, it had been less then forty-eight hours since Emil first arrived at the 4077th.

Flagg looked around the room at the encouraging sneer from Burns, to the worried frown of Houlihan, and over the hostile glares of MacIntyre, Pierce, and Blake. He skipped the almost drugged look over the main accused, not taken in for a moment by that docile act. The Colonel’s gaze finally rested on the troubled, yet calm, expression in the priest’s face.

Apparently just as touchy as accusing the dog last night was the subject of the Chaplain to these surgeons. Medical personnel could be so weird. A strategic mistake, perhaps, revealing his cards against Father Mulcahy before securing the charges against Standish, but Flagg could get around the unfriendly reactions. He’d start by answering the questions, limited answers, to be sure, but answers. That would regain the cooperation of this twisted staff.

“I never claimed the priest to be a Communist.” There, that should put them off guard. Sam Flagg didn’t seem aware that his remark hadn’t even seemed to confuse, much less appease, his listeners. “I said he was a co-conspirator. Father Mulcahy knows this man to be a spy and has not brought the information to the appropriate authorities.” He watched the beginning of belief dawning in the eyes of those present.

Ah, a good call, that one. Apparently, the Father’s habit of sheltering those in the wrong was as well known to these men as to Higher Intelligence. It always kept the Father in its sites, though HQ was not yet concerned enough to have him fully investigated or restricted. Sam briefly wondered if this would be that final straw that toppled the camel. Benignly, Sam continued with his own version of intelligence. “A co-conspirator, but not a Communist. We’re not after the priest; we’re after the spy. Central Intelligence knows he’s here...”

Blake interrupted, his tone no less hostile. “What evidence against Standish do you have?”

“Are you trying to harbor a criminal, Colonel?” Flagg suddenly let himself lean forward, staring intently at the Base Commander.

A murmur of protest, quickly suppressed, rose from the officers.

The father's voice cut across the room, clear and steady. He didn't raise his voice too loudly, but still his words froze the other officers, bringing their full attention to the normally quiet, gentle man. "Emil is a spy, but not for the Communists." He looked directly at Emil, apology in his soft eyes, then turned his attention on Sam Flagg. "Emil works for America, going under cover and weeding out medical malpractice in the military."

"Ah, so he's here for Frank."

Burns sent a glare at Trapper, but didn't get to defend himself as Flagg broke in with "A likely story, MacIntyre."

"It's true," Father insisted, looking at his old friend and noting, in worry, that the woman was practically asleep in the chair.

Frank Burns frowned and continued, "Even if he's an American spy, which I doubt, there's still something wrong with him."

Everyone looked towards the drugged redhead, noting the too pale skin, the bruising around the hazel eyes, and the sideways list as Emil slumped in the chair. Flagg frowned, crossed his arms over his chest, and shook his head. "There is definitely something wrong with that man. He acts odd."

"And he showers in his underclothes," Burns added importantly. Hawkeye quipped, "at least he showers, Frank."

"Yeah," added Trapper smoothly, "And does his laundry at the same time; very convenient."

"Showering in his underclothes is awfully strange, don't you think?" His tone and attitude were triumphant as he glared at the other surgeons, trying to drive home his point.

The certainty in the comments caused Colonel Blake to frown and study the young doctor. Henry was feeling the effects of little sleep and too much work, and his brain was having trouble keeping up now that his anger had eased. He nodded, tiredly, and said "I've seen him do that..."

Margaret cut in, sounding less sure of Emil's guilt, "That is odd, Sir." She looked over the slumping redhead and worry welled anew. Hadn't Pierce said Doctor Standish was injured?

Still defending the Father's childhood friend, Hawkeye added reasonably, "Maybe he only has one set of underclothes. He is from the front after all; those boys can't be carrying much." Trapper added a voice of agreement to the argument.

Indignantly, Burns jumped in with, "Oh, you can't believe that... propaganda, Sir! He's a homo! He's a homo Communist, and he should be locked up; he needs to be kept away from normal, patriotic men like Margaret and me."

Major Houlihan sent a warning glare at Frank, but he missed it.

Father Mulcahy tried to speak again, but was immediately cut off by a small argument that broke out. Burns, Flagg, and Margaret were arguing the merits of Emil being homosexual, though Major Houlihan didn't agree about the Communist factor; she didn't think the priest would actually lie. Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake were arguing on behalf of Emil, despite the peculiar behaviors. The argument threatened to get beyond heated, with only Emil staying out of the fight, practically asleep in her chair.

Finally, Blake slammed his hands on the desk, causing even Emil to jump in shock. "Enough!" Looking as surprised by his own behavior as everyone else, Blake flushed and turned to Flagg, as the only other person present with equal rank. "Uh, sorry, Colonel." He turned away from the frowning Intelligence man.

Acting quickly, Father took advantage of the silence to jump in. It was finally time to break his silence completely; Emil's life could be on the line. "I can explain Emil's behavior." He looked at his childhood friend then turned his eyes back to Colonel Blake. "Emil is not homosexual; she's a woman."

Hawkeye seemed to be the only one not shocked, despite Blake's foreknowledge of the little surgeon's true gender. Father continued before he could again be cut off. "Emil's listed as a man on her records, and she was drafted into the Army, but her commanders already know." With a look directly for Frank, he said, "That's why she showers in her underclothes and why she wears layers in the summer."

"I don't think so. I like the Communist homosexual explanation; it makes more sense." Flagg frowned at the priest as Burns nodded and added his own "A likely story, Father," to his comments.

Father nodded. "I can prove it. Let Major Houlihan examine Emil. She'll see it's the truth."

Margaret looked from the Chaplain to the Intelligence man to the surgeon under question. Finally, she nodded. "I'll examine him, Colonel." Her eyes met her commanding officer's. "That should end any argument about Doctor Standish being a woman or man."

Eyes widening, Burns turned to his friend. "Margaret! Don't tell me you believe that stupid story?"

Shaking her head, Margaret looked directly at the other major. "Look, Frank. By examining him, I can prove just what the real story is. It's the easiest way." As he sputtered indignantly, Margaret rolled her eyes. "Oh, Frank, stop whining!" She suddenly flushed, as if she just realized that they had an avid audience to their bickering.

With a firm nod, Hawkeye leaned forward. "Henry and Margaret can examine Emil. When they're done, they can tell us what's going on." He was, naturally, confident of the results before the exam even started, as he'd been there when Henry had sewn up the woman's abdomen in the shower.

"Right," Flagg nodded. "We'll wait here." He wasn't going to make another tactical error and insist on this his way... yet. For now, he would trust Major Houlihan to verify the Father's claims. Homosexuality, after all, wasn't Flagg's big concern; he was after Standish for Communism. When Major Burns started protesting, Sam Flagg cut him off with a cold look. "Buck up, Soldier. You can check the next spy."

Trapper and Hawkeye fell to snickering at Burns' flustered protestation.

Henry merely nodded tiredly and walked over to Emil's side. Gently, he took the small woman's arm and helped her rise, letting her lean on him as they headed out the door. Margaret followed the pair, giving Radar and Klinger a disapproving glare as the opening door revealed the eavesdropping pair.

Restless, almost bored, Sam Flagg found himself playing with the articles on Henry's desk. It had been at least ten minutes since the trio had disappeared and Flagg was wondering if the prisoner had made a run for it. Frowning, he realized that he should have insisted on being present for the revealing. Damn! The Colonel pushed to a standing position, intent on going on the hunt. He moved towards the door, ignoring the hazing Hawkeye and Trapper were putting Burns through.

The door opened as he reached for it, and a grim-faced Margaret strode in, followed by Blake leading Emil, a shell-shocked look on the man's face. Henry blinked around at the others present, but Margaret merely stood ahead of her as she placed herself at Emil's side, making sure the doctor sat down. With a sigh, the older woman nodded and placed a gentle hand on the injured woman's shoulder. "Doctor Standish is a woman."

Burns' mouth dropped open in shock.

Nodding, as if he'd known that information all along, Flagg gestured grandly, "Of course. But the real question is whether you're going to harbor a Communist or not?"

"Wait a minute, Flagg," Hawkeye straightened, "The Father is right about Emil's sex; I believe he's right about her being an American spy."

Trapper nodded, his comment drowned out by Blake's enthusiastic, if tired sounding, "By golly, he's right!"

"No! He's covering for him, er, her!" Frank cut in. "There's no reason for anyone to be spying on us unless he, er, she works for the enemy. I say we hand him, her over!"

"My information says there's a spy in this facility, and I'm not leaving without him, even with the clever disguise of being a woman." Flagg crossed his arms.

"Of course there's a spy here. There're two spies here!" Trapper was deliberately trying to confuse the Intelligence man; he couldn't resist messing with the guy's already unsteady grasp of reality. "But Emil's a spy for the Americans... so that means the other spy has to be the Communist."

"Right!" Burns agreed, then frowned, turning to Trapper. "Who's the other spy?"

Hawkeye gestured to Flagg, him self. "He is."

"That's a very interesting point, Captain," Flagg actually seemed to be pondering the newly presented problem. After a long moment, however, he shook his head. "No. I can't be the Communist. I don't like Vodka." Everyone looked a bit confused at such an odd comment, but Sam continued. "No, we need to look elsewhere for the spy. I'm not him."

"Proof," Trapper jumped on Flagg's suggestion. "If we send to the 0239 for Emil's files, we can prove..." he paused trying to wrap his head around the idea that the little doctor really was a woman, "she is really working for America."

Sam shook his head. "and while we're running around on a paper chase, the spy could be slipping over to the other side."

Houlihan finally jumped in. "We could hold her as a prisoner while we wait." She looked around. "we can lock her up in the V.I.P. tent."

"No, Mathius is in there!" Father's voice was troubled. "He's already tried to kill her."

Burns was shocked. "Why wasn't I told that my patient was moved out of Post-Op? He's got a serious head injury. He can't risk being moved this early." The group looked at him in surprise as the true meaning of the priest's words completely eluded the doctor.

"Mathius attacked Doctor Standish?" Margaret looked at Father in surprise. At his serious nod, she sighed and rethought the circumstances. Then, talking a bit louder to be heard over Burns' continuing tirade, she said, "I'll move in with my nurses for the duration and Doctor Standish can be held in my tent."

Flagg nodded in slow agreement, quickly followed by Blake's relieved, "Fine. We'll send Radar and one of the M.P.'s to the front to get it. Until then, we'll keep Standish in Houlihan's tent under guard." There was a squeak from outside of the room, and Henry strode over to the door, opening it to reveal a shucked Radar and a sympathetic Klinger. "Radar, you'll need to go to the 0239 and get Doctor Standish's military file. Take an M.P. with you." When the Corporal opened his mouth, Blake frowned, near the end of his limited patience after such a lack of sleep as he'd gone through. "Now, Radar! That's an order!"

With a resentful glare, Radar replied "Ay, Sir," and turned on his heel, striding quickly from the Administrative tent.

Crowing gleefully, Frank turned towards Hawkeye and Trapper. "Oh, you're going to regret this. Central Intelligence wouldn't be wrong about this."

Hawkeye nodded, "Oh, this is gonna be good," he replied agreeably.

The tall blond turned his knowledgeable gaze over the room. With a wise nod, Trapper said, "Maybe Burns should rest, Henry. He may need his brain cell for later."

"Ha, ha!" Burns glared at the other surgeon.

Margaret held up her hands. "We all need rest. And we should check on our patients before retiring. I'll help Klinger get Doctor Standish situated." When Frank opened his mouth, Margaret pointed at the door. "Now, Frank." He frowned, but slunk out the door with a subdued, "Yes, Margaret."

"I'll help with Emil," Father Mulcahy moved to his friend's side, but Flagg protested. Hawkeye rolled his eyes. "What's he gonna do? Slip her out under the fence? Come on, let the Father help."

Flagg continued to balk, but Margaret threw her hands in the air. "Colonel, it's his job to see to the prisoners."

As the group disbursed, Margaret and Father Mulcahy leading Emil between them, they were followed by the dire words of Sam Flagg. "If I find a tunnel under the tent, I'll know exactly where to look."

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