I just want to know why.... Why God would make me this way. I was the perfect christian boy growing up. I went to church every Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. I participated in Sunday school and went through communion. I did everything that the Bible told me to do. So why would God make me something that everything I was every taught defied? Why was I made this way that everyone thinks is dirty or perverted? Why did God make me a faggot? There I said it. The word that so many people associate with dumb, girly, idiotic, dumb, stupid etc. I am a FAGGOT. One that did everything right by God’s word, one that did what I was taught and never uttered a cuss word or spoke out of line or term. I was the model christian of Laurel. I never hit a girl, always used proper language with her, always rememberd my morals always believed in my faith. So why God did you make me someone I was always taguht to hate? Why? It’s so scary to know that you’re going to hell for something you couldn’t help. For something that was completely out of your control. I even tried speaking with a priest. Alot of good that did because i’m still a FAG. Now I don’t know what to believe, and I have no faith. I just can’t understand.

Yes it’s true I’m in love with another boy. Why is that so harmful God? Why is it so wrong to love someone? Josh is my everything. I don’t get it. If you didn’t want me to be gay then why would you let Josh into my life? Why would you send him to me? He’s an angel, but according to your words he’s going to hell too. So why did it say in the Bible: “My mouth shall speak wisdom; And the mediation of my heart shall be of understanding.” So does that mean that it’s okay for me to love Josh? Is it okay for me to sleep with another man? Just give me a sign if it’s okay. All I ever wanted was to be happy. All I ever wanted was love and companionship, faith and forever, promises and truth. I have that in Josh. When I look at him I think that nothings wrong, but then when I read the book, the book of your word it says i’m defying you.

When is it okay for me to love Josh? When will it be okay for me to be able to stand up in a church with him while holding his hand? When will it be alright by the Bible? When will it be alright by you? Josh sometimes tell me not to believe in the Bible so much, that everything in there isn’t the exact word of you and that in it everything contradicts itself. He says God loves everyone, even the ones who are considered “sinners” by some people. I want to believe him so much but I don’t know how. God I could always turn to you as a kid when I had a problem, but now it seems like i’m miles away from you. Now it seems like no matter how hard I try you don’t listen to me. Is it because you hate me so? Is it because I turned out wrong? I want to believe in everything again but the only thing I can is the Bible, that stupid book you told your disciples to write. The book that’s haunting me forever. The book that won’t let me be myself. I am loosing all my faith in Josh too. I’m hurting him just like i’m hurting inside.

It’s thunderstorming outside. I know the cause of this is me. It represents my hell and what I am. It’s just not fair. I have no one but Josh. Not even my parents. Not even you to turn to because i’m a dirty fag. That’s all there is to it. Josh is coming up the stairs and I can’t let him see me writing this or crying for that matter.

Lance hastily closed his journal and threw it on the nightstand next to the bed. Josh’s shadow illuminated the halls and soon Lance found himself staring at the one person he loved and yet resented the most.
“Hey babe. You’re up.” Josh commented sitting behind Lance and putting his arms around his lover.
“Yeah I was really tired.” Lance answered disheartened. His whole journal entry and somewhat one way conversation with God getting to him.
Josh picked up on Lance’s tone right away. “You okay sweetheart? You look upset. I can see tear stains on your face.” He tightened his grip.
Lance nodded against Josh’s collerbone.
“Josh look!” Lance said in awe. Josh stopped nuzzling Lance’s neck for a moment to see what Lance was talking about.
Josh looked up and there staring at them was a rainbow. It was still thunderstorming and lightening out but in the midst of it all was a rainbow.
“Maybe it’s a sign from God.” Josh mused sitting Lance between his legs.
Lance smiled. Josh was absolutely right. THIS was God’s sign to him.
“Love you baby.” Lance sighed as Josh absent mindedly ran his fingers through Lance’s hair.
Josh smiled at his everything. “I love you too sweetie. So are you going to tell me what you wrote in your journal?”
Lance shook his head. “Just asking an old friend for a favor Josh. And you know what?”
Lance turned around and faced Josh blue eyes to green.
“What?” Josh asked content that him and Lance were finally communicating better. After Lance’s depression spell over his faith he didn’t know what to think anymore.
“Everythings going to be fine Josh. We’re going to be fine. We love each other and God loves us. We’ve got faith and each other. That’s all I need. I love you so much Josh.” Lance smiled and kissed his lover gently on the lips.
Josh was taken aback by his boyfriends new atitude and hugged Lance close to his body.
“Thank you.” Josh mouthed to the sky. “Thank you for giving him his faith back.” Josh smile before placing a gentle kiss to his lovers right temple.