Love,
Siara

"Your move," Yamcha said, sighing and leaning back to watch Piccolo's reaction.

Silence.

Yamcha looked up at Piccolo, who was staring straight at him with a blank expression.

"Yo! Piccolo!" Yamcha said, waving his hand up and down in front of the Namekian's face. "Your turn!"

Snore.

Yamcha face faulted. Then he bitch-slapped Piccolo.

"Huh?! Wha?" Piccolo snapped awake.

"Dude, why do you sleep with your eyes open?"

"Cause you took so goddamned long."

"But why with the open eyes?"

"Hey, people sleep with one eye open."

"But not *two*!"

Piccolo glanced at the chess board and made a move. "Check."

"Dammit!!" Yamcha began furiously pondering what to do next.

Piccolo settled in for another nap.

Kami ran by and duct-taped his eyelids shut.

Yamcha stared.

Piccolo struggled to open his eyes, but couldn't.

Yamcha silently thanked God. Having a sleeping Namek stare at you is just too weird.

"I'll Get you KAMI!!! I'll GET you!!" Piccolo howled, clawing at his eyes much like Kami had himself earlier. "And your little dog too!"

[Really annoying scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

"Duude."

"Uh."

"Whoaaa.....Duuuuuude!"

"Uh."

"Oh Duude!"

"Uh."

"Du--"

"My name is Baba for Kamisakes! It is not Dude! How many times do I have to tell you?! It's not that hard to pronouce."

"Okay, dude." Jeice said, "Now what did you say you wanted again?"

"Children!" eyes glowed disturbingly "Plump...scrumptious kiddies..." she slobbered and drooled.

"Ew, lady this is one of my best outfits. Stop drooling on it!"

Baba's eyes glowed again, "Just go get those children before I think of something *really* nasty to do to your outfit!"

Jeice's face turned green. "Oh. Ugh. Yuck." He shuddered, "Okay. I'll go, but before I do I just want to make it clear. You're a very nice ... girl... and all but I wouldn't wanna go out with you. It's not you, it's me."

Baba screamed.

Jeice ran like a ninny.

Mr. Popo peeled a long strip of tape off his turban.

Far away, a dragon looked in the mirror and adjusted his lace brassierre. But that has nothing to do with the story.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

"F-8."*

Cell put a little red chip on his bingo card. It was a huge card, because in HFIL they make everything really confusing just for the hell of it. Just like Yahell. Some of the numbers were double or triple digits, some of the letters were in pairs or triplets (like BJ, VEG, GOK, ASS, and so on....]

"Bingo!" someone cried, moments before Cell ki blasted them away.

"No one beats Cell!" Cell snarled. "Keep reading those numbers!" The annoucer complied.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

Goku was sneaking into his own house. It was late. He was hungry. He didn't want to wake Chichi. He tiptoed through the doorway.

CLANG! Chichi swung the frying pan with all her might, knocking out the cat burglar. Or so she'd thought.

Goku sits up after a few minutes, Chichi exclaims in surprise and asks if he's okay.

He looks at her and swiftly begins taking off his pants and underwear.

She looks confused.

"Goku...what..."

He pulls the pants *back* on, and pulls on the underwear.

"Goku...why are you...wearing your underwear on the outside...?"

"I am not Goku," said Goku. "I am vengeance. I am the night. I AM BATMAN!!" With a swirl of invisible cape, he was gone, flapping his arms up and down like the funky chicken and making weird bat-chirps in the night. "Eeeyii! Eeeyii! Eeeyii!" [bat noises]

Meanwhile.....

"NC-17."

"Bing---ACK!" someone said as Cell calmly blasted them.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

"So, Michele," Goten said, eyes all starry at the idea of talking to the girl he'd always wnted to meet, "I looove your hair."

"Thanks, Kelly."

"Your welcomewhat'syourfavoritecolor?" Goten leaned closer, really wanting to know everything about her. He didn't remember Michele having blue eyes but even if they *were* contacts they were really pretty.

"Uh..." Trunks thought frantically, trying to remember if he'd ever read any teengirl magazine with Michele's favorite color. He brightened as a sneaky idea came to mind. "Oh," he fake-laughed, waving his hand gay-ly "You know. It's the same color as that dress I have." He figured Michele *had* to have a dress in her favorite color.

"Ah..." Goten paused, wondering if asking which dress would blow his cover. He decided to play it safe. "Oh yeah.. AhahahaHA! Yeah, I . . . remember."

Beyonke stared at them both weirdly.

"Do y'all got colds or somfin? You sound...weird."

"Re-really?" Both men said at once, pitching their voices as high as they could go.

"Uh-huh." She eyed Goten suspiciously.

Then disaster struck.

And then disaster finished striking.

And then the whole universe stopped to ponder out a suitable disaster of sufficient magnitude to be really dastardly. Some crazy person off in the middle of nowhere wondered whether anyone had noticed that . . . the . . . suspense . . . was . . . being . . . d r a w n o u t inareallyannoyingway. The disaster really was terrible. Oh yes. It was. Definitely. The aliens won't tell us yet though, because they haven't finished dissecting our brain. We'll be back after these messages.

Those Messages

Other Messages



Those Other Messages



Messages in General





These Messages

We're back! Did you miss---

Somewhere in nowhere, a writer was killed and massacred brutally. And that has everything to do with the story.

So.

Disaster struck.

Meanwhile Kami was taping a pubescent boy to an american apple pie.

Beyonke shrieked. She had seen Goten's 5 'o clock, 3 minute, and 46 second shadow. It was very . . . manly. The results were D I S A S T E R O U S.

"Guards! Guards!" she yelled, "These people are MEN!" and some tough looking rent-a-cops came over and dragged away the men in drag.

"I'm innocent I tell ya! Innocent! I want to call my lawyer!" Trunks protested as he and Goten were dragged away side by side. They looked up after a while. Realizing they were sitting on their butts and moving quite slowly as they were dragged backwards by the shoulders by the puffing-out-of-shape cops (who were, of course, still pretty tough...in theory), they glared at the cops.

"Can't you go a little faster?" Goten said.

"*You* try dragging a guy outside!" one cop said. Trunks and Goten looked at each other and shrugged.

"Okay."

"Okay."

And they got up from the floor and started dragging the rent-a-cops outside. The rent-a-cops slid along the floor on their generous behinds and sighed contentedly.

Elsewhere....

"Hello? 911? A crazy green guy . . . uh . . . duct taped myself to. . . myself. Help?"

"Nice tail," some lewd person said before he was incinerated by dragonfire. But that has nothing to do with the story.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

"Pee, Zero, Zero." [P00 yeah, *that* P00]

Cell jumped up before anyone could say anything, ready to shoot the next person with bingo. Everyone trembled and shook. No one said anything. Cell was finally settling down but then his eyes widened to their limits in shock.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b . . ."

[Really really annoying scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

Mr. Popo finished peeling the last of the tape from his ears and his back and all those hard-to-reach places. Then he got some tea and crumpets and ate them. For relaxation. He always had tea and crumpets before he went out to water his beautiful, precious, plants.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

"B-bingo...." Cell gasped out. "BINGO!" he shouted, then danced around gleefully giving th victory sign.

"We-we have a winner, folks," the announcer stammered.

"What do I win?"

"Millie, show us what's in store for our winner!"

Millie, a wheel-of-fortune-type girl smiled her bright white teeth and walked on a stage with three doors. She slowly opened door number 1.

"Cell can pick what's behind Door Number 1, Door Number 2, or Door Number 3!!"

A large stack of vodka bottles were behind door number one.

"A lovely pyramid of vintage '76 Vodka!"

Cell stared, and grinned but waited for the other doors before making a choice.

"Show us Door Number T-woo!"

A shiny gold ring was revealed.

"ooooo" went the crowd.

"Hn," went Cell.

Slowly the assistant opened Door Number 3 as Cell leaned forward in anticipation.

"Aaaaand now-w, behind Do-or Number Three is..."

[Scene change]

Mr. Popo screamed. "Noooooo!!! My plants!"

[Scene change back to Cell]

Cell: "My pants!"

Announcer: "Youuur-rr pants!"

[Scene change]

Juunanagou: *pants* Tree chopping is hard work...

[Scene change]

"My panties!" A dragon said, somewhere, but not here. But that has nothing to do with the story.

[Scene change]

Lucy Ricardo: Fancy pants!

[Scene change]

Yamcha: P-

[Scene change]

Kid-who-has-realized-what's-crawling-on-him: Ants!

[Scene change]

Another Kid: Mommy, I have to Pee--

[Scene change]

Teacher: A--

[Scene change]

Crazy person somewhere: NTS!

[Scene change]

Same-Kid-Who-Was-Formerly-Known-As-"Another Kid": and I already did! In my pants!

[Scene change]

Nudist Colony Sign:

DOWN WITH PANTS

[Scene change]

Person with bad pronounciation: Sychopants. Elepants. Hieropants.

[Scene change]

A Kid From Some Nickelodeon Show That Used to be Popular: I salute your underpants!

[Scene change]

Man-Speaking-In-Obscure-Foreign-Language: Himyn, Ameiss I araandimre aLlyw-PANTS-ei-PANTS-rd!!

[Scene change]

Cell: How did you get my pants?

[Scene change]

Fangirl: Cell wears *pants*?!?

[Scene change]

A "t" suddenly landed in a snap.

StNAP

[Scene change]

Cell: Give my pants back!

Announcer: So you pick the pants?

Cell: Those pants are mine! MINE I tell you!!

[Scene change]

Somewhere in the outer reaches of the universe, a peace treaty ending thousands of years worth of bloodshed was signed by the aliens of the Sho RtP system and a group of interstellar ants. Then the war was abruptly restarted because one of the prime ministers had insulted the opposite side by commenting critically on her pants.

[Scene change]

Dog-Somewhere-In-The-World: *pants*

[Scene change]

On the show, Married with Chibis: Al Bundy put his hand in his pants.

[Scene change]

On the show, Invader Zim:

Zim: You want pants? I'LL GIVE YOU PANTS! Oh such pants will I give!!

[Scene change]

On the set of a soap opera:

Director: Now in this scene, you want to pant alot and then slowly take off your pants.

[Scene change]

Got Pants?

[Scene change]

History Teacher: Amelia Bloomers protested for women by wearing pants . . .

[Scene change]

Jeice flew around in a tizzy, deperately looking for children. But none were to be seen. It was as if they'd all gone and hidden themselves in a pants factory or something.

Jeice: Duuude.

[Scene change]

Somewhere at large.....

Kami duct-taped a pair of pants.

[Scene change]

Girl: JEANS!!

Everyone stares at her ..........

Girl: *sweatdrops* Jeans?

Everyone: No. We don't want you here. And we don't want jeans. Now go away and be outcast by society like every other angry teenager.

Girl: But...I'm not angry.

Everyone: Not *angry*?! *offended gasps all around* Well.. You *should* be.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

*Siara walks up to the podium*

Siara:

*clears throat*

Ahem.

PLOCK.

And all of a sudden, no one could say "Pants" anymore. It was like magic.

[Scene change, accompanied by crappy flute music]

Well thanks alot for blowing our cover, Goten. You could plan out a whole thing with luring Kelly into a padlocked safe but you couldn't think about shaving?!" Trunks said irritably as they stood on the lawn outside the studio after having dragged some rent-a-cops away.

Goten glared at him. His eyes actually looked a bit red. Trunks got nervous fast.

"Uh, Goten? You alright?"

Goten gritted out the next words, advancing a step towards Trunks "You. Kidnapped. Michelle. And. *Drugged HER*??!" Trunks started backing up, his back to the studio.

"Now, Goten. I know you worshiped her and all, but--" Trunks got really scared at the look on his face so he slowly flew into the air, hovering, but Goten came right after him. "Can't we talk this out?" Trunks squeaked.

"No," said Goten, making a ki ball in his hand. "Now I will hurl a ki ball at you in vengeance."

"--according to prophesy," someone added, to somebody's conversation, someplace.

"AAH!!" Trunks screamed, then dodged the ball.

It missed, continuing on it's course until it hit--*gasp of all gasps*---the studio.

The studio blew up. And three pop stars died. Trunks screamd like a girl and tried to zoom away but Goten tackled him and wrestled him to the ground.

"I must avenge Michele." He reached up into a plothole and pulled out some rope and stuff. He trussed up Trunks like a christmas turkey and stuck him in a big bag [Siara added airholes just for you Trunks-lovers], tying a knot in the opening.

Trunks: *whimpers, all tied up and gagged*

Goten: And now I will lock you in a closet. Hey! Keep still, will ya?

Goten tried to stop Trunks's struggling but he couldn't do it easily. Eventually he had to use his whole body weight and sit on Trunks. But the frantic squirming of the occupant of the bag had an unforseen result [big smirk from Siara who knows what's coming next before you do].......

Goten gasped and tried to control his body's urges when he felt that first tension in his abdomen, but it was useless.

BrrrraArrrr....

Goten: *farts on a struggling bag*

Trunks promptly passed out and went limp from the shock wave of pure smell. Goten was able to carry the unconscious demisaiyan to a nearby closet and lock him in.

Just as he was walking away though, he saw a pink dragon painting the words:

TRUNKS AND GOTNE

on a bill board. He called up to the dragon, whom [Yes!! WHOM!!] he noticed was wearing a corset.

"Hey! Is that my name you're painting up there?"

"Yep," the dragon said. "Gotne!"

"Don't you mean Goten?"

"No! Of *course* not!"

"But...but you misspelled my name..."

"No I didn't! Look at it..."

"...." Goten looked confused.

The dragon explained very slowly, as if it were obvious. "GOT- N- E"

"...."

He rolled his yellow eyes in frustration, "Don't you get it?? Got An-y. Your name means 'got any?' as in Got Milk...or um, 'did you get any?'"

"Huh?" Goten still looked confused, "Get any what?"

*coughcoughcough* "Nevermind," the dragon blushed to match the corset,"You'll understand when you're older."

Goten raised an eyebrow.

And of course, all of this conversation has nothing to do with the story.

Which is, by the way, leaving you with a poorly disguised cliffhanger right about . . . now.

*The guitar music begins to play again*

Stay tuned next time, on "TWT: Tape, What Tape?"

Comments? E-mail Siara sabrinaamy@hotmail.com