Once upon a time there were three Suzaku seishi who lived on the East Side of a large river. It was pretty nice on the East Side, but rather dull.
One day the smallest Suzaku seishi, Chiriko, realized that he’d finished reading every single one of his calculus, physics, history, and government textbooks. "I’m done with my studies," he said to no one in particular, "I’m going to go over to the West Side to take the Katyo Exams." This said, he picked up his scroll and his whistle and headed for the only bridge anywhere in the area.
Unfortunately for the young seishi, the bridge was manned by a troll who charged outrageous prices before he let people cross. In case they didn’t want to pay, he had a handy lever that opened a trapdoor in the bridge and sent them plunging into the frigid water. There was also a fence on the West Bank, in case anyone tried to swim across.
Chiriko knew nothing about this, and innocently started across the bridge, his tiny slippers pattering on the wood.
"Who’s that pitter-pattering on my bridge?" The troll emerged, the red symbol on his forehead glowing.
"My name is Chiriko, o’ monstrous ogre."
"OGRE!!!" The troll fumed, "Just for that I’m gonna charge you double!"
The young seishi pulled his hands into his sleeves, "Sorry, o’ hideous ogre. I have no money."
"What?!?" The troll frowned, "You’re going for a dip, pipsqueak!" He reached for the lever.
"Wait a moment o’ great ogre," Chiriko piped up, "don’t drop me in the water! I have an acquaintance, a fellow seishi, who has a lot more money than I do! He should be along shortly. Why waste energy pulling a lever for someone as tiny and insignificant as I?"
The troll considered for a moment, the effort making his face turn red. "Alright." He finally said (not entirely certain what Chiriko had been talking about), "I’ll let you cross. But I’m gonna charge your pal triple for this!"
Chiriko smiled happily and pattered his way across the bridge and into the town on the other side.
Back on the East Side, the second biggest seishi, Nuriko, had finally received an issue of Konan Monthly.
"Took them long enough," he grumbled, "This is from last year!" The picture on the cover, however, seemed to have been worth the wait.
"What a hunk!" Nuriko immediately began to drool. He read the caption, "Hotohori, current emperor of Konan.. Hmmm…"
It didn’t take Nuriko long to decide what he was going to do, "I’ d better go see if he’s just as beautiful in person. He probably had someone touch up the picture." He pulled on his best dress and put his hair up. He also put on the latest designer shoes (the kind with raised heels), and set off.
It didn’t take him long to reach the bridge, where he immediately started to cross, his heels clicking on the wood.
"WHO’S THAT CLICKETY-CLACKING ON MY BRIDGE???" The troll growled, appearing from somewhere, his symbol blazing.
"It is I, Nuriko, o’ corpulent ogre." Nuriko replied in his best girlish voice.
"CORPULENT!!" The troll was furious, "Doesn’t that mean fat?! I AM NOT FAT!!"
Nuriko batted his eyelashes, "Why no, o’ ogre. You must be mistaken."
Frowning, the troll decided to accept this answer. "Are you the friend the pipsqueak was talking about?" he asked. When Nuriko nodded, the troll grinned, "You need to pay to cross this bridge!"
Clasping his hands together, Nuriko wailed, "Alas, o’ mighty ogre! I’m just a poor girl, I have no money!" (he didn’t mention any of his jewelry)
The troll frowned, then reached out with one hand to perform ‘Miaka’s Patented Breast Test (TM)' "You’re not a woman!!" he growled, "You’re going for a dunk in the drink, gay-boy!!" He headed for the lever.
Before he reached it Nuriko grabbed him by the throat and held him up in the air. "NO, YOU DON’T! You’ll ruin my hair!" He shouted. "Besides," he purred, releasing the troll, "I have a fellow seishi who has much more money than I do. He should be along shortly, why don’t you ask him?"
The troll rubbed his sore neck and considered this for a moment. Then he said, "OK, you can cross, but I’ll be charging your friend quadruple!!"
Nuriko squealed happily and gave the troll a bone-crushing hug. Then he finished crossing, heels clicking the entire way, and entered the town on the other side.
Back on the East Side, the biggest seishi, Tasuki, was bored out of his mind.
"Where the #%$* are Nuriko and Chiriko?!" He snarled, gripping his tessen tightly, "How dare they run off and leave me here, bored!" He set off to look for them.
It wasn’t long before he reached the bridge, which had acquired a sign saying, ‘Toll bridge. No money, no crossing!’
Tasuki had money, but he didn’t want to spend it, besides he was feeling ornery. "What the #%$*?! There’s no way in #*&& that I’m going to pay money to cross this #%$*ing bridge!!!"
He immediately set across the bridge, his boots stomping on the wood loudly.
"WHO’S THAT STOMPING-CLOMPING ON MY BRIDGE!?!" The troll roared, leaping up out of nowhere, his symbol blindingly bright.
"It’s none of your #%$*in’ business!" Tasuki said rudely.
The troll was a bit taken aback by this, then he recovered his wits, "Do you know a little pipsqueak and a strong gay guy?"
"Yeah. So what’s it to ya’, ugly?"
"UGLY!!!" The troll frowned, then glared at Tasuki, "I don’t suppose you have any money."
"Of course I do!" Tasuki snapped, "but you’re not getting your hands on a single #%$*in’ ryou of it!"
The troll, infuriated by this, rushed for the lever, "You’re going for a swim, fang-face!!!" His hand closed on the lever.
"Stop right there, you #%$*ing swindler!" Tasuki roared, pulling out his tessen. "LEKKA SHIEN!!!" Flames came out of the metal fan and turned the lever into charcoal.
"WHAT! WHY YOU!!!" The troll rushed at Tasuki, getting ready to grab him and toss him over the edge.
Tasuki dodged and swung his tessen again, "LEKKA SHIEN!!!" The charred and super-deformed troll fell flat on his face.
The fiery seishi grinned, showing off his sharp fangs, "That’s what you get for messin’ with Gen-chan, Oni-boy!" He then continued stomping across the bridge, only pausing a moment to kick the sizzled troll over the edge. Then he reached the West Side and entered the town.
From then on, the three seishi (and everyone else) were free to cross the bridge any old time they felt like it.
The troll was never seen again, but occasionally travelers claimed they heard someone under the bridge grumbling about his lousy agent.
Gomen nasai all you Tamahome fans. I don't mean to insult your favorite character. But I needed someone to be the troll and "oni" was the closest I could find. ;)
Back to the library