An ex-French au-pair girlfriend (Blue 1) of some twenty years ago now, that had kept in touch with my family and through them had kept in touch with me, came to Ireland for a visit with her husband and their newish young son.

As they toured Ireland and before going home she called to see me which was nice of her considering the circumstances.

Women are good at that sort of thing, in comparison to most males anyway, well, she is anyway.

It was my pleasure to see her again and during our conversation I had mentioned that I was doing some writing and she asked if it might be possible to read what I had put on paper.

I wasn’t ashamed and after all what did I have to loose by letting her know my real feelings on what had been happening in my life over the past while.

Before she left I handed her a copy of what I had written so far and told her to take her time about reading it, that there was no rush for comments.

This was a woman who had broken my dreams at the age of twenty-one or twenty-two by sleeping with some other guy and leaving Ireland and returning to Paris, France to live.

It was not long after we had broken up that I began to sow the first signs of this so called MS thingo.

I would have married her way back then and was planning to do so, I needed her strengths to recover just like the strength she had to leave in the first place, I didn’t have her strengths and it all knocked me for six at the time.

Time heals all wounds.

Weeks passed by and again out of the blue a call came in from her saying that she would like to help me out financially if I wouldn’t mind.

She had read my story and now knew my financial circumstances and why I’ll never really know said she would lodge some cash to my account here to help me sort a few things out.

I never expected what arrived and thought a mistake had been made by her bank.

I was in shock and phoned her immediately in France, a mistake has been made Princess said I, no mistake, it’s all yours to do with whatever you wish.

I was in shock for weeks……9K had arrived in Irish pounds.

What to do, what to do!

Firstly I repaid all the persons that had supported me over the past few years without any hassle, most took the cash, one didn’t, my youngest brother, me and him see eye to eye, he’s cooool.

Anyone who was on my wrong side didn’t get a penny, wrong maybe but at the time it felt right to me to return the cash that had been given to me without any obligation and hassle.

It turned my world around her good deed and I will forever be greatfull for her sweetness.

I did say that I could not accept it openly and one day when I have the cash I would repay her.

At this stage it will be written in my will as things don’t look too good for a quick return.

As cash is my security she has no idea how happy she had made me at that time in my life.

I was free once again to live out my dreams whilst I still had some energy left.

Just before this happened I was really down and this is what came my way once she had freed me from financial starvation.

Keep on rocking in the free world.

Freeeeeeeeeedom.

Hi world,

I’m Male, Forty, single and living on my own in a nice two story house on the outskirts of Dublin’s southside, Ireland. Have MS for eight years and have just recently had to resort to using a wheelchair in order to avoid doing myself serious damage. I am in need of a friend.

Over the past year or two I have pushed away most of my thoughtless busy, busy family and so-called friends, basically I want to run (impossible I know), get away from all those collective mind sets that have me labeled and filed away in their closed minds. I’m bored even though I partake in a computer course from home. I really feel that I need protection and a real friend might just give me that. I suppose that you could say that I’m depressed, I’d say that I’m bored and need something/someone in the future to get out of bed for and look forward to doing things with, like I said,……… I’m lonely.

Am not on any medication but take cannabis, which passes my days at home with better quality and helps my anxious moments when I think of what my life has come to and ponder on my future.

Is there anyone out there with the same problems.

Sincerely Rooster.

Rooster Bloggs……@…………J Bloggs@iol.ie

Re: Lonely .................Looking for a way out.

Monday, 22-Jun-98 07:48:20

203.103.130.133 writes:

I am new to this. I have just discovered this great Internet thingo and immediately looked up the MS section. My mum has MS and is the most fantastic, positive person in the world. All her 'busy' friends ask how she is and her standard reply is 'I'm fine' which is great for them - but hopeless for us, her family. We love her so much. When I read your letter, I wondered if she sometimes feel as you do. she's not in a wheelchair yet, but is relying on a walking stick a lot now. I can't imagine how lonely you must feel! I am 33 and have a son 4 and daughter 3. I separated from my husband 7 months ago. I can say I understand loneliness. Not now, but I was lonely with him. I felt like an alien. I am a computer and business trainer and have a degree and post graduate qualifications. He didn't like that. Maybe you can e-mail me and we can become pen pals. I live in Australia, Melbourne. I'm sure I could get used to this form of communication...it's fun. bye for now...CINDERELLA

Hi again Cinderella,

Thanks for being open with me also by the way, having just finished reading your letter.
I received your attachment fine; you see its no problem.
I can tell that you are a smart, nice woman, full of life and busy at the
moment and if our friendship is going to continue, then all I ask of you is
that you don't judge me from my past.
Yes, it's been a rough road for me and you don't know the half of it yet.
I've been writing a book but have had to put it aside in order to accomplish learning what is to be my future, computers and the WWW !!
Anyway, I just don't want you to become afraid of the things you might read about my past, drugs and all that, having the experience you have will certainly help you understand me.
I'm a well-mellowed out human being at this stage thanks to my so-called
MS.
So,
Let's take our time building a friendship on the WWW, I'm busy tooooooooo.
By the way I don't type very fast so you will just have to be patient with
me if we ever talk on ICQ, I'd say typing for you is not a problem.
Netmeeting is the next thing you have to learn about, then we will be able
to talk over a microphone, although I'm sure there will be a bit of LAG
because of the time difference between countries.
Am burnt out, had a very busy day, but a good day.
See ya,
Rooster.

Hey Rooster,

Hey! Stop reading this. I am distracting you from life. Did you like me in "Hell hour"? Remember it only lasts about 1 and 1/2 hours. Then it's peace and quiet. Not tonight though - Cinderella is here and Liz might come over later.

You are sooooooooo concerned about socializing with my pals and family. Please don't worry. Everything will be O.K. you can simply slip off to another room at any time you want. Don't ever stay around because you feel you must. I won't have that! Simply come and go as you please. I am sure you will like it here. No solitude as you know it, but lets face it, you might enjoy the chaos once you get used to it. For me it is normal and I don't and won't know what you like until I meet you. It is bad enough with dad jumping to all sorts of conclusions. I want to keep my head in all this and take each day as it comes.

Cinderella,
Before I see a picture, I need to take a step back for a couple of day's,
I'm freaked out !!
It's all a bit much to take in,
I will e-mail you when I see your picture and don't send me one that is
miles and miles away, teasing me !
I don't feel very safe right now, I feel vulnerable anyway because of the
MS.
At the same time I have those butterfly's to contend with and they are
fluttering around so much I can't seem to calm them down.
Sweet dreams to you,
Rooster.

Cinderella,
It's made it,
OH God! .........I am in deep deep trouble now, the thing about your
Photo is that I think you will also like me............. we ARE in trouble.
All my love.
Rooster.

Cinderella,

I am having real problems allowing myself to simply enjoy what's happening between us.

Reality is banging at my door once again.

Why is it difficult for me to put your whole picture together, your sound , your picture, and your mind.

I am missing your smell, your taste, your moods, your smile and your monthly time cycle for instance.

I am a little bit afraid that when we eventually meet, all of these things and millions more that I can't think of right now, might just be a strange bridge to have to cross and, get over.

Are you not afraid of these feelings ?

Do you not wonder what it will be like when you do meet me.

You have to be a nice person because you think as I do.

I love your appearance.

I definitely have a sexual attraction towards what I have seen of you.

Your voice worries me just a tiny bit.

You sound nervous.

You sound bubbly.

You sound so full of energy.

I am a tiny bit afraid of that for now, it might be the age difference though.

The more time goes by, the more we talk on the phone, not that I want a huge phone bill but the more we get to know each other the clearer the picture will all become.

A possible culture difference, what do you think I mean when I say "calm down" ? to you on the phone.

I will continue to imagine you are my dream but I am a realist and I know we have a bit to go yet.

Keep my side of the bed warm and if you sleep on the right side you might just find yourself falling out some night.

LOL.

I think I'm going crazy…………. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!………..(Cough, cough)

LOL.

BFN,( Bye for now )

Love,

Rooster.

<Cininderella> Helllllllooooooo

<Rooster> Hi,

<Cinderella> I am trying to download Netmeeting - it is driving me crazy!

<Rooster> Good, take your time

<Cinderella> How are you this morning my sunshine?!

<Rooster> Am in love with someone in Australia,

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> don't stop..... ever....I hope it is me you are talking about Rooster!

<Cinderella> You never know...I think you might be a good catch....many women will feel as I do...I will have to kick and scratch to keep them off !

<Rooster> What did you do today

<Rooster> You are the only one for me

<Cinderella> Today we had a really nice, kiss cuddle, sun, playing and just being a little family

<Rooster> Was just reading over your first message on the message board

<Cinderella> What was it?

<Rooster> was trying to print it out but I have to print all of them and that’s a bit much ...... Yeah

<Cinderella> Some people use it to let off toooooo much steam. Big messages and big paper and ink wastage. Write to the administrator of the board.

<Rooster> Maybe , don't know if I care that much

<Cinderella> You are beautiful

<Rooster> It's good to let off steam

<Cinderella> A problem shared is a problem halved as they say

<Rooster> yes

<Rooster> You are beautiful

<Cinderella> Isn't this greattttt

<Rooster> Yes

<Rooster> Yes

<Rooster> Yes

<Rooster> Are the kids gone to bed

<Cinderella> I am smiling over here. Loulu wonders what on earth I am doing

<Cinderella> NONONONON

<Rooster> What time is it

<Cinderella> It is only 5.30pm, hell hour begins soooon

<Rooster> 8.30am here

<Cinderella> Are you grumpy today? I would like to see it...I would cheer you up.

<Rooster> No, not grumpy today, am able to speak to my Cinderella,

<Rooster> Noooooo,

<Cinderella> No I am not good in the morning. I think we would wander around for ages just dazed out....probably take one look at you and decide to go back to bed.... I can see problems here.... what if we never got out of bed ....ever.....?????

<Rooster> Well, you have to for the kids ,me, I'll just wait till you get back

<Cinderella> I was talking to a friend today, some friend...she said it would end in tears...I know it won't. People are scared. I am not now.

<Rooster> Can't wait

<Rooster> Yes, I get the same over here,

<Rooster> LOL

<Rooster> Yeah !

<Cinderella> I am glad I haven't got the microphone connected right now. I am actually telling Loulu to get off me for a moment. Are you getting the picture? She is quite a handful...but I have the right sized hand to handle it.

<Rooster> I get the picture, as long as I can go to my coal shed everything will be ok

<Cinderella> Yes, and at times I will send you there..... and join you when I can!

<Rooster> Why !!!!!!!

<Cinderella> what is Why?

<Rooster> LOL

<Rooster> Kiwi country

<Rooster> He says what ?

<Cinderella> My friend moved here from New Zealand. He married Tracy. He says ....Yes Kiwi.... there are no Australians...all Irish, English, Kiwis, Italians .....I could go on and on

<Rooster> Did you have a good sleep last night

<Rooster> Your beautiful

<Cinderella> Yes...very good. I could not go to bed straight away. I was more awake than ever. the most awake I have been in about eight years I think.

<Cinderella> Can you believe you caught me in the bath!!!!!!!!!! Screeeeam!!!

<Rooster> Yeah !!

<Rooster> I enjoyed that

<Rooster> What book

<Cinderella> I thought you were calling half an hour later, I was relaxing, reading a book. I was bright red from embarrassment.......

<Cinderella> This book is called....Princess....it is about a Saudi Arabian princess and her horrible life as a female over there. Good read but I think Arabia is off my list for holiday destinations.

<Rooster> Yes, same as I have heard

<Cinderella> Some guys make their wives go from here with them to Saudi, Project managers and architects. they make great money...the wife has to stay in the confines of her little mini village. YUCK

<Cinderella> I hope they come back .... some go misssssssing....

<Cinderella> anyway.

<Rooster> I know some one out their at the moment in that scene,

<Cinderella> I am still having trouble with Netmeeting. I loaded it on, or thought I did. Where do you access it from? Mirabilis?

<Rooster> I checked to see if you were on but no, am still learning all about it myself sooo we just have to be patient

<Cinderella> I have the one with the mail program I can't remember what it is called....

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> Me ...Patient!!! that is one thing I am not. I am trying to be.

<Cinderella> God I want you NOW NOW NOW this second!!!!!!!

<Rooster> I am sitting here in my dressing gown, blue, cotton.

<Rooster> What are you wearing ?

<Cinderella> what a picture I have.... a computer screen wearing a dressing gown...... I want to see the photo.

<Cinderella> Me...jumper. woolly socks, black pants,

<Cinderella> You are????????????

<Rooster> Today, I am getting my photos on disc so will be able to send them to u

<Cinderella> YIPPPPEEEE

<Cinderella> When I am in bed?

<Rooster> This afternoon

<Cinderella> Rooster, don't forget, we will always have our ups and downs, but together we will be invincible.

<Rooster> I agree

<Rooster> Love u

<Cinderella> No I am not unrealistic, I just aim high.

<Cinderella> I will get there

<Rooster> We will

<Cinderella> I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

<Rooster> It’s a pity we can not keep this conversation

<Cinderella> Won't it be great. I have already thought it through. I will not race up and attack you, my first idea. I think I will just look at you.....go from there.

<Rooster> maybe we can print it out

<Cinderella> You want to keep this one?

<Cinderella> I am looking

<Rooster> Hang on I am going to try

<Cinderella> I am waiting...........................patiently as I can

<Cinderella> What about in the message area?

<Cinderella> No-one has access to me but you

<Cinderella> I have not allowed anyone on

<Rooster> No I don't think so, u know we could bring in a third person in this conversation by clicking on their name in the icq box and dragging them in

<Cinderella> Are you going to drag someone in? A friend?

<Rooster> No not now,

<Rooster> Just letting u know that it can be done

<Cinderella> You are the best teacher in the world.

<Rooster> No prob, love u, love u

<Cinderella> Thanks for everything you have done for me, thanks in anticipation for all you will do for me

<Cinderella> Loving me is soooooooooo important. I didn't think I needed love. I do. I am now addicted to you.

<Rooster> Yes. u do, lots and lots

<Cinderella> I love you

<Rooster> Will u really look after me when I get out there?

<Cinderella> No....... I will help you in any way I can, you will just have to let me know how to be of assistance. I will do whatever you want. I don't know about the "look after" bit......let's just go with it and learn how much support each other needs.

<Cinderella> Will you look after me?

<Rooster> I am so grateful that you do make me feel good about coming over to you

<Cinderella> Whew!!!! the car will be OK

<Rooster> By the way we drive on the Left side here, you wanted to know that

<Cinderella> We will have fun......I hope I don't kill you with fun.....tell me when to stop okay

<Rooster> I am a little devil when it comes to stopping myself from enjoyment

<Cinderella> I will have to try to learn

<Rooster> Let's take a minute to think, it's cheap this way....

<Cinderella> Okay

<Cinderella> I feel it when you think

<Cinderella> Which bit?

<Rooster> I am sure I have missed some of the conversation

<Rooster> have to scroll back

<Cinderella> I have to have a cigarette.... I am buzzing here

<Cinderella> Its okay, I can have it here

<Cinderella> I am relaxed

<Rooster> Go ahead, let's take our time and relax

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> Why

<Rooster> Give me a cig , I have to roll my own, I like them that way

<Cinderella> that's clever - I never could do that

<Rooster> The tobacco is much much better and not filled with salt peter etc.

<Cinderella> I am going to try to give up...or at least cut down, I did for both pregnancies and while breast feeding...Smoking hypes me up even more that normal

<Rooster> The best of luck, have tried many times , three months was my best effort

<Cinderella> I smoke a lot while writing to you

<Cinderella> I don't know why

<Rooster> Me toooooooo

<Cinderella> lolololololo

<Rooster> It gives you time to think

<Rooster> Having a smoke

<Cinderella> Mark asked me if I was going to marry you.........

<Rooster> AHHHHHHHHHH

<Cinderella> Oh my god....

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> How could I answer that

<Cinderella> I wanted to say NONNONONONN

<Cinderella> but I just said you were my special friend and I wanted to be with you

<Rooster> Just tell him we are going to be the best of friends forever

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> He then asked if I would marry Rod again...I nearly vomited. I said NO never. Daddy and I do not get along. He was cool about it.

<Rooster> Hey, don't be too hard on his, Mark ' s needs

<Rooster> Good.....

<Cinderella> I find it really hard. I protect him as much as I can. I never complain about his dad to him.... I just say we don't get along and we are all happier this way.

<Rooster> Yeah.....

<Cinderella> He wants....

<Rooster> Another thing I am worried about is my smoking grass, I will need some at some stage when I come over, I don't want to have a fit because I can not relax enough,

<Cinderella> What sort of fit?

Rooster> Wait,,

<Cinderella> I don't know what to say...... I can't help you with that

<Rooster> We need to talk a bit about this....

<Cinderella> Yes, I am listening

<Cinderella> I know.....

<Rooster> I can get really uptight at times and Grass justs helps me chill out

<Cinderella> Can anything else help....medication prescribed legally?

<Cinderella> It is illegal here - don't end up in jail here - it's not fun.

<Rooster> I can take some with me but I would hate to end up in jail if I get busted at the Airport

<Cinderella> Never Never Never...you will get caught...we will both end up in jail

<Cinderella> Is it that important? Surely there has to be an alternative....

<Cinderella> Which is?

<Rooster> There is an alternative called Nabaloene, can't remember how it's spelt, available from a GP

<Cinderella> Worth a try? What do you say?

<Cinderella> Whew...

<Rooster> Yes , I would try it but ...........have my doubts....

<Cinderella> What stresses you out the most?

<Cinderella> does this happen a lot?

<Rooster> Life......

<Cinderella> That is because life is different over there

<Rooster> not being able to do what I wish

<Cinderella> You will be okay..... I will just hold you until you feel better.

<Rooster> What if I get real Grumpy and freak out at you.....

<Cinderella> I f the kids bother you, I can take them out.....let you have the house to yourself

<Rooster> Don't want to..........take the risk.....

<Cinderella> What are you saying?

<Cinderella> think very carefully....you must explain....do you have a history of this?

<Cinderella> Will you hurt me?

<Rooster> I knew I can get upset and angry when I don't have something here to calm or chill me out , you must remember I have been smoking a long time NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

<Rooster> Never

<Rooster> Never

<Rooster> Never

<Cinderella> I am frightened......

<Cinderella> What is not you

<Cinderella> I know

<Rooster> I can't get Violent.... it's not me........It's OK ,honest, it's not as if I am on Heroin or hard drugs..... Being violent is not me

<Rooster> Come on Cinderella, don't get negative now..... I will never hurt you.....

<Cinderella> I just.........okay......... I don't want to fall into the same trap as last time. Rod smoked a lllllllotttt of dope too. He grew it in our house. I had to hide it when mum came over. I had to listen to him smoking prior to his breakfast every day....it made me sick.

<Rooster> Honest

<Cinderella> I don't have a problem with it in moderation - I am just afraid.

<Cinderella> Lets set some boundaries here

<Cinderella> 1. Never let the children see it

<Cinderella> 2. Never hurt me or the children.

<Rooster> Well that's only how I use it , in moderation when I need to get away in my head space wise , when I am overwhelmed by things going on, when I am scarred

<Cinderella> Don't forget.... you will not notice your personality change - we will. We can get through anything together.... If you want something badly enough, you just have to ..... communicate.

<Rooster> I agree

<Cinderella> I love you and want you

<Rooster> I love you and want you , I want it all

<Cinderella> I don't want to dish out my crap onto you..... still recovering

<Rooster> We can work through my habit , I will not hurt you or the kids

<Cinderella> No one is perfect. You are the closest to perfection I have come across, I am not made of concrete, I can be flexible in beliefs and I will try to be patient.

<Rooster> You know in America the medical establishment pass out grass free to people with MS

<Cinderella> Yes I know. It should be the case.

<Rooster> So..... it can't be bad

<Cinderella> A friend of mine developed schizophrenia ? from marijuana - they said it opened the blood vessels in her brain and the messages just got screwed up.

<Rooster> Never heard of that before.....

<Cinderella> No, I hadn't either

<Cinderella> Let's face it, it is safer than alcohol. It should be legal. but it's not.

<Rooster> Yes.........

<Rooster> Life is not fare always but we can make things suit us in the future.

<Rooster> Want to talk some more about Grass

<Cinderella> As you told me...Life is a bitch and then you die...... I don't want to live a half life. I have for tooooooooooooo long. I want to be true to myself. I want to experience life as a big adventure. Everyone can exist....I want to live.

<Rooster> I feel that it is a worry for you and wish to make any worries disappear

<Cinderella> I am also multi-dimensional, I am made up of all sorts of experiences and have a history all of my own. It may not be as interesting as yours, I may be naive and childish, I want to challenge some of what I believe.

<Rooster> Nice !!!

<Cinderella> Just........lets get together

<Cinderella> we might even hate each other

<Cinderella> I doubt it

<Rooster> I will help you if and where I can

<Cinderella> all of this will seem so trite

<Rooster> Ahhhh !!

<Cinderella> Just a look, just a touch, just being with you would help

<Rooster> I want to touch you so badly, want to hold you so badly ,

<Cinderella> I can feel those thoughts

<Cinderella> It feels good

<Cinderella> How?

<Rooster> Are we wrecking our imagined future,

<Rooster> by being realistic

<Cinderella> You and I are similar. We have a pessimistic streak which protects us. We look at the worse case scenario, if we can cope with the worst - we go for it. we are pleasantly surprised by the results.

<Rooster> Cinderella, I just need to be with you......LOL

<Cinderella> I have a lot of people, yes including Postman Pat, telling me I am being ridiculous. Love does not happen on the Internet.

<Cinderella> I have done it

<Rooster> Yes it does,

<Cinderella> I am proud of my achievement...... LOVE

<Cinderella> I didn't even think I could fall in love

<Cinderella> I never ever wanted to allow myself the pain

<Rooster> So am I ,.....

<Cinderella> Now I consider that no matter what the result will be, I will have all this - our relationship as it is and more to keep me going forever.

<Cinderella> Without truly experiencing what I can feel - I will never know. I will grow up to be bitter and twisted and never be able to trust.

<Rooster> Like me you mean....bitter and twisted.....untrustfull, sour.

<Cinderella> I have to give you everything I have and everything I am - otherwise I will just never know.....

<Cinderella> No you are beautiful

<Cinderella> You are special

<Cinderella> You are perfect you gorgeous thing and I want you NOW

<Cinderella> Yes.

<Rooster> You are right , I am special.... and you also....

<Cinderella> Yes

<Rooster> Now ! but how ????

Cinderella> I have you now

<Cinderella> I will have to be sensible and realistic and wait to fully have you

<Cinderella> I still have not recovered from the Cyberkiss

<Rooster> Won't it be sweet when we touch each other for the first time ........LOL

<Cinderella> I am afraid of what I might type

<Cinderella> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

<Rooster> Ohhhhhhhh!

<Cinderella> Thank you

<Cinderella> I agree

<Rooster> Let's keep all that for the future..... I want to say all sorts of things but.........yeah,….. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmm . will do.

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> Ahhh! I am glad we are still together - mentally

<Cinderella> LOL

<Cinderella> All yours

<Rooster> Yes !..... Look I am sure we are going to get on when we meet, you are becoming a huge friend...... a special friend........... mine.....

<Rooster> KissesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

<Rooster> yep,

<Cinderella> We will have to meet each other all over again when we meet in person

<Cinderella> Meeting you on the phone took me a while

<Cinderella> I can't wait

<Rooster> I know, we will take our time ....

<Rooster> I want only what you wish

<Cinderella> Can you imagine....I still don't even have a clue what you look like - I can't believe I am in love with a soul, a spirit, a voice!!!!!!!!! LOL

<Rooster> Yep, it's strange.... but we met on the Net for a reason........

<Cinderella> It's good to know I am not alone in the universe

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> I better go and cook dinner for my -not hungry - still recovering from Birthdayitis- children.

<Rooster> I want to take a break and have a smoke, that's the worst about rolling your own

<Rooster> LOL

<Cinderella> I will get back on after the children are in bed. I will see if you are on.

<Cinderella> If not I will send you an email

<Cinderella> I have to load this Netmeeting thing again

<Cinderella> Have fun

<Cinderella> Great

<Rooster> I have some people coming this evening to watch the final of the world cup , also the Tour De France started here yesterday and some of them have an interest in that

<Cinderella> I will write to you and dream of you as always my Rooster

<Rooster> Do you want to set a time to meet here later

<Cinderella> No, I won't interrupt your day.... I will just enjoy what we have.

<Cinderella> Really.....they will think you have flipped out this time!!!!!!!

<Cinderella> Yes. I do. Duty calls.

<Cinderella> I love you.....

<Cinderella> I will check to see if you are around in a couple of hours time.

<Cinderella> I will

<Cinderella> BFN

<Rooster> I don't mind ,honest I just have to go upstairs and get some cloths on you have to go and feed the kids OK send me an e-mail and try Netmeeting later

<Rooster> Love

<Cinderella> Cinderella - oops can't spell my name LOL. You make me crazy!

<Cinderella> KISSSSSSSES to you dear Rooster

<Rooster> You make me Happy all the time..........

<Cinderella> Can you die of happiness? I think I have it badly.

<Rooster> I would gladly die in your arms..............

<Cinderella> Id rather you lived in them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Rooster> LOL (Laughs out loud)

<Rooster> Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Rooster,

I have just been watching a documentary about Cannabis. We know it as dope. I want to know more about it as I am fearful of any drug and its effect on the user's personality. Rod used to grow it in our house at Richmond, great big plants that touched the ceiling. We had a glassed in area out the back and it worked like a Hot House. When mum came over, I had to run out the back and hide the plants down the side. Rod smoked morning, noon and night - he used bottles of "Visene" to keep the redness out of his eyes. None of us are angels…..even I have had it and laughed a lot.

Steven has had a very bad experience with drugs and alcohol. Her X became a heroin addict and lost the plot entirely. He overdosed a couple of times. One day she found him dead in her bed - he was revived by her next door neighbor (who was an ambulance driver) - we all wish he hadn't. Rod kept the secret as long as she could. I hated his eyes, his scratching, and his inane conversations. To this day we cannot bring up the subject of drugs, she is still hurting! Her X is now mentally retarded without any sense of time. He lives in a men's shelter and needs constant looking after. He rarely sees the boys. If Rod sees him at the local shops, she has to pretend he is not there - his order. He does not want certain people to know he had a wife and children as people he owes money to could harm them.

So what did the documentary tell me?

In a nutshell….. If you smoke more than three times a week, research shows loss of memory and a decrease in decision-making ability. As THC is stored in the bodies fat the effects last longer and levels drop slowly. Unlike alcohol and harder drugs, which interfere with the brain, the cannaboid receptors already present in the brain react to THC. The human brain has a natural tendency to this. The brain is almost pre-wired to accept this as it is a natural brain chemical anyway. The andomides are known to create eternal bliss, calm the person, and decrease stress and pain when flooded into the brain in a concentrated way. 1 in 10 regular users become dependent. The dependency is easy to break due to the THC levels' dropping slowly - the habit is more difficult to break (unlike opiates). Although it is still illegal, many doctors are trying to make it accessible to people with illnesses such as AIDS, Cancer etc. as it stimulates cravings (muchies), and is a natural anti-nausea treatment. The amount can be self administered and controlled due to effects being felt within 5 minutes. It has been used in medicine since the 1930's.

I was most interested in the section about drug induced psychosis, as my friend Helen has this. She has been in and out of hospital for the last 3 years with recurring schizophrenia - the doctors said it was due to long term Marijuana smoking. The Mental Health Research of Victoria is doing studies at the moment to ascertain the correlation between cannabis and psychosis. It is difficult to say whether, the drug causes the psychosis, or the people with psychosis are naturally drawn to it to escape what is already happening to them. Common problems identified were schizophrenia depression and suicide.

The other point raised was the black market issue. Where you get dope, you can get harder stuff. Alcohol and cigarettes are legal, yet it has been proven that they are far more toxic and create lung and /or brain dependency. It is difficult to research well - due to illegality.

So why am I telling you what you already know?

If we are to have a future, I have to be able to tell you all I feel and think. Beware… what I have to say is brutal….. but I feel I must fully state it.

I do not know the extent of your habit. I don't want your Melbourne friend with drugs near my children. I do not want them exposed to anything illegal. I do not want illegal drugs in my home again. I know I cannot do or say a thing to change what you do. I cannot condone it - even though I fully understand the unfairness of it. I wish it was legal, for you. I know drugs (and alcohol) mean more to the user than life itself. It would never matter what I said, or how I pleaded or begged nothing I can ever do will matter in the slightest. Rod chose alcohol over his wife and children, why should I think you would do any different? You have expressed to me the importance of it in your life. I have to admit I do want to change you - not you - just one aspect of your lifestyle, but I know I never can. It is not about me. It is not a decision I can make or have any control over.

This is breaking my heart, as I know I could lose you as a result of this letter. I don't want to lose you. I want you so badly!!!!!!!!!!! Neither of us are fools. We want each other, we want the love and support we can so easily give each other - but you asked me to consider your habit and I have done that. I am sorry if you feel I am unfair. I wish there were an alternative - a legal one.

BFN,

Cinderella.

Dear Cinderella,

I cannot compete with the emotional ties your Family seem to have over your feelings.

Somewhere in my Book I talk about my thoughts on women and the ways in which finding support within a relationship has been impossible for me to find in the past.

I don’t want to have that need but it is there, it exists inside of me.

I want to let you close, I have let you close but remain susceptible to my insecurities.

I have built a fortress around me now and do not know if I will ever be able to let someone in, truly.

Trust.

Your own lack of independence strikes me as being similar in depths of security as I compare your situation to my own. I am extremely vulnerable and extremely sensitive, too much so I know when you compare me with others on this planet. If I feel this way now can you imagine how I would feel after moving to Australia having to rely on you as my only friend? I am in need of support big time MS wise, I am in need of support big time emotionally, I am a very scared, cautious and frightened Man. I need a very special closeness with someone for a relationship to work forever. People have said that you are not the type of woman I would usually go for, they are surprised when they see a picture of you. What is that saying to me? Is it all just a Fairytale dream? Can it become a reality?

I have lost the plot somewhere, now you see the real Rooster. Mandy ’s letter about friendship is special. I am more concerned about our differences in experiences in life than our age difference. Your picture of you and I together that arrived yesterday in front of my longest male friend here in Ireland reminded him of his early days spent with his now wife of sixteen years. I asked him once had he ever cheated on her over all the years and he looked at me and said No. Later I was Ashamed to have asked him that question and very jealous of what he and her were able to have achieved. I am still jealous today if I am honest. Cinderella I am a mess right now, I don’t know what to do so I am going to do what I always do in situations like this and that’s freeze. When in doubt do nothing until you are shown the way. I will stop beating up on myself now. You have seen some more of me. My heart is open to you once again, I wish to spend my time with you.

Love Rooster.

Rooster,

I am sorry.

Deeply thoroughly sorry.

I don't know what I am doing!

I love you.

I don't know what to say.

You are angry.

I am upset.

I want you so badly - I don't know why I wrote it - don't know why I sent it.

I have just taken a long bath. I hated myself. How could I do this to us?

What is going on with me?

For years I have hidden within myself - now I see me and what I have become - I may as well be a nun! (apart from the religion!)

You deserve better than this.

I am sorry.

I love you.

I will try to think of a way to get you back. I can't lose you over this. I can't take out my emotions on you - I never meant to. I am just suffering from loving you too much. I don't want to love you so much. I can't help it.

What am I doing?

Help me sort myself out Rooster. You are right, I have avoided living for too long. I need you.

BFN

Desperately yours

Cinderella

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi Pet,

Here is your itinerary, please add things that you might wish to add.

On Thursday I do not want to overtire myself and 2 hours will be more than enough with everyone here, I also will not be able to pee if I so wish without going upstairs and I will be stuck to the spot because of all the people here.

I love you !

Rooster.

Hi Rooster,

Yippppppeeeeee!!!!! Six months Visa received ! That means you get to experience a "Fair Dinkum" Christmas - now you will be able to understand why Santa has such a red face - sunburn from the hole in the ozone over Australia! This will be great.... I know you will feel some homesickness but it will be an experience you will never forget! What is all this about depending how much I love you..... it depends on how much we love each other!!!! Lots and Loads and Buckets and Oooooodles no doubt!

Yep... you feel ill and my tummy is telling me that I am running out of time to do the 5 billion unfinished tasks on my list prior to departure on Thursday. I feel no emotional nerves, simply logistical ones. I tried to squash one suitcase inside another today but gave up. I will call the airline tomorrow and check out the situation re: me taking one full and one empty case. So far I have got to the stage where I will be bringing little more than a pair of knickers and a toothbrush LOL!

I have to run away again - so much to do - AAAHHHH!! I reallly realllllly reallllllly don't want to teach tomorrow. I will call you when I get home, I will no doubt be realllllly freaking out by then.

I love you

BFN

Cinderella

Kisses kisses.... I dream of kisses.... lots of kisses..... millions of kisses..... soft, warm, fuzzzzzy kisses.

So we had planned it all and now it was becoming a reality, our dreams were about to come true……..Cinderella arrived in Dublin Airport, jumped into a Taxi and arrived at my house to find a note saying "Welcome Cinderella" pinned to my front door…..in she came and straight upstairs to greet me lying in bed as we had pre arranged and had both agreed on.

I had 34 long stemmed Roses sitting in a bucket of water, it was her Birthday the day she arrived and had her present beside me on the bed.

She came in and took a look at me, I don’t know about her but it was almost too much for me, take a minute to imagine how it must have felt for both of us.

I clicked on my tape recorder beside the bed and Frank Sinatra sung "Fairytales can come true, it can happen to you" as we kissed for the first time, as arranged she then jumped into the shower to freshen up and then got into bed beside me.

We ate some Irish handmade chocolates and talked, then I gave her my Present, it was a gold chain with two charms attached, one a Cinderella slipper and the other a Irish Leprechaun.

I’ll leave it up to your imagination what happened after that.

We were in cloud Cookoo land for four days.

One morning we were listening to the Gerry Ryan Radio show and I mentioned that we should give him a call and tell the world the good news, Cinderella phoned, I decided to remain a nervous spectator in the background, after that live on air performance on National Radio all hell broke loose, a National Newspaper phoned and wanted our story and a picture for tomorrow’s paper, we obliged.

It was all just a crazy time for me anyway, it was too much.

I had a small gathering of Family and a few friends that night and next morning we headed for the Airport.

Dubliner Rooster Bloggs is heading Down Under on Saturday after getting to know an Australian girlfriend on the World Wide Web.

The Cyber romance blossomed after Rooster (41), who is wheelchair- bound with Multiple Sclerosis, left an e-mail on a messageboard seeking a penpal.

Cinderella Botche (34), from Melbourne responded to his lonely heat overture and so began a six-month courtship which culminated in their rendezvous in Dublin last week.

The plucky Aussie lady decided to traverse the world for love after Rooster told her that he couldn’t physically travel to Australia on his own.

Rooster, a student at the National Training and Development Institute in Sandyford, was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis nine years ago.

He became very depressed last year , but Inter romance has turned his life around.

They talked every day, exchanging phone calls and even sending scanned pictures of one another on the Net.

Cinderella, who owns her own computer training company in Melbourne, is determined the relationship will work.

Hi all,

OK !!!!!!!……….this is a letter to everybody.

Except for the Goodbye at the Airport leaving was easy-peasy as they say over here.

Am sick of smoked wild Irish salmon and hand made Irish chocolates, thank God there about to run out, gave them all away and they kept coming back, no brown bread here to be had, having my meals put in front of me is another dream come true, I’m so wrecked that I’d be dead if this were not so.

I don’t recall the flight to London due to the fact that I had tanked up so much that I was in dreamland…….fell asleep for most of the Quantas flight first half until waking with a cramp in my right leg…complete right leg……full on cramp….I freaked….was dying to go to the loo, tried to make it without the use of an on board wheeler……..my legs began to shake…..both legs went into full on cramp and rattled at the same time…..no one knew what to do, six stewardesses wondering which way to move my feet, all at the same time, they were even more freaked than I was…….I’d just have got my balance right when someone would move my foot again…….felt as if I was flying even though I was…..double flying…..I needed to go to the loo but couldn’t let go, it was hard to breath, too hot, no air, felt like pressing the handle on the escape hatch, I lay on the ground, that had no comfort, my legs needed to be stretched and relaxed at the same time. Is that even possible !!?

I stood up again and worked my way back to my seat, a stewardess was saying that we were somewhere over Afghanistan and could not make an emergency landing due to the fact that war was about to break out, Nepal was the next possible stop. Meantime Cinderella, whom at this stage was really freaked out because everyone kept turning to her for the answers and of course she didn’t have them, which made things worse for her, had found a Doctor on board and said take three of these. I gladly obliged, a male steward began to massage my shoulders, he was from New Zealand, my legs began to calm down and after a while I…….drifted off to sleep.

Have met Cinderella’s Dad, Mum, sisters Rohna and Sue and there kids and husbands/friends etc. and am surprisingly getting along with all, it’s been hard being so nice all the time, strange for me. Am missing everything that had become so much my routine, wouldn’t recommend it to anyone in my position, the changes that is, not the intimacies. Recommend those. It will take time, that’s for sure, to adjust, it’s about the only thing I have.

Mum, you will be happy to hear that Gismo the cat has made a bed out of my Holy jumper. Have been reading a bit of Shamus Heaney thanks to Mrs. Consignee’s going away present. So much happened before I left that I am still remembering bits from time to time. Have to get my Zip drive into action soon as plugs are different here and all my addresses are tied up in that. Claudia you can pass this onto Myles if you like, how’s he doing? and anyone else that is online that knows me. Best of luck with the exams. You write about the weather there in Ireland, it’s just as bad here in Aus. From being so used to my views from home it’s weird not to be able to see anything around me or out the windows that would be a comfort to my eye. Hugh, you still wondering where Margaret is or has she actually come home for dinner for a change, dig, dig

Ma, things are going fine, it will take me a bit of time, that’s all am riding a electric scooter around the house and even went for a spin around the block have to transfer in order to get to the PC bit of a pain. Nice of Cinderella to organize it though.

Am going to see a Doc at the MS center and a Physio next week, visited the center last week, so much better organized here, had the Council out putting up hand rails etc. I have a picture of Dublin on my mouse mat. Cinderella’s gone for a nap, she’s working tonight, think it all has been as hard on her as it has been on me. Have just arranged and paid to have a weekly massage from a neighbor’s daughter she’s studying to be a Chiropractor. Sick eh !

Hugh Karla’s her name........she’s about 21........as I laugh out loud LOL

Cinderella say’s she’ll never marry me but I’m working on that, only for the visa of course …….LOL. ( Laughs out loud )

Have to go snooze for a while tired again already.
Rooster.

I was really in bits but felt that I had to put on a good show for those back home …….. the reality was that I had lost the use of my legs pretty much in total with the MS attack on the plane flight over.

I lay fault at the feet of my local GP. Doctor, back home as he simply didn’t have any idea what my physical condition was in reality and could have supplied me with some medication to help me get through the flight.

I was suffering from jet lag, exhaustion and I was out of my so used to surroundings, every movement for me was a drain and I mean every movement.

I had just arrived in Australia and had abandoned any and all support I had built up throughout my life.

The dance I had all my life played out was becoming a reality once again.

I couldn’t stand up anymore like I used to be able to do back home for long periods of time while leaning against the tiled bathroom wall at home and showering.

Showering was now a nightmare, she got me a seat to sit on which had strips of rubber or plastic in order to sit and be comfortable but it was so bouncy that I kept loosing my balance and was afraid I would fall so I abandoned that idea, I now needed back support when sitting, I had lost my center balance.

I tried to lean against the wall, the only problem with that was the shower font was set solid in the middle of the shower ceiling and I could not stand underneath the falling water and rinse easily.

In fact everything was now a nightmare, I didn’t have one good nights sleep in her bed for the two and a half weeks I was there.

The first night I was bitten by something on my big toe, I was always on the look out for spiders after that, she didn’t make me feel very comfortable about the local spiders, bugs etc.

In fact she freaked me out and something new was beginning to appear, a new fear had arrived now that I had to deal with the possibility of snakes, spiders etc.

Being in a wheeler, feeling so vulnerable now, didn’t help my new fears.

The amount of pushing in my wheeler was a nightmare, I needed a bloody long rest but I wasn’t thinking very clearly and kept going for as long as was possible.

Going to the loo during the night, I would wake, I slept naked so first of all to avoid confrontation with the possibility of the kids waking, I would have to put on some cloths, getting out of the bed was a nightmare in my condition.

Her bed was so soft in comparison to what I was used too, I slept on a futon back home, so even getting out of her bed was a drain energy-wise.

She did after the second week get me a bed-bar which I managed to bend one day trying to get out of bed, so that’s shows you the amount of energy I was having to use to get outa bed.

I would manage to get out of bed into my wheeler and put on a T-shirt and off I would go down the hall. Turn left through a doorway that was hard to get through because of its size and the turning circle I had to maneuver in. Push myself another yard or two and then try and get through another doorway standing in my physical condition before trying to balance against walls etc. in order to pee.

I was trying so hard to get back to where I was at before I had left, leg use wise, that I wouldn’t pee in a beaker in the bedroom.

That was a mistake on my part but that was not something I was used too and felt too embarrassed to tell the truth.

I felt like I had to try and make a good impression on everyone I was meeting, family and friends were introduced, I had to get comfortable with her two kids first of all, it was important for me for the future.

I even had difficulty reading them stories due to having double vision a lot of the time.

Her windows in the house were all covered with sun protection covers and it was dark inside, not what I was used to back home, outside, were trees and bushes blocking more light.

As the days passed I was feeling more and more ill and feeling more and more isolated and vulnerable.

We did go out shopping, even went to the Zoo and to visit friends of hers.

A visit to a friend of hers for dinner one day, looking back, I reckon was interrogation to check me out, the one asking the questions was an Oxford graduate working for the water department over there.

I didn’t even know how I was really feeling, I was just numb, sore and confused.

We were beginning to row about stupid things. It was all getting out of hand for me anyway.

I was beginning to see a different side to the woman I had fallen in love with. She frightened me on a few occasions, like kicking her whole family out of her home when things got a bit out of hand at a birthday party she was holding for her daughter, some of the other kids had been slagging her daughter. She snored, spoke to her kids like they were adults, not the children they were. Went to work and then would remain aloof when she had come home again, was too rough for me when making love now that I was so ill and things just got worse and worse for both of us as the days went by. There was one other thing that frightened me big time and that was her lack of understanding and lack of compassion and friendship.

This was the one that I just couldn’t see her changing, it was new to me but she was back in her own space now and she was safe to be that way.

I needed to feel safe here and all we did was row about marriage and visa possibilities so I canceled sending all my things that a friend and my sister had packed and arranged for shipping to Australia, in fact they were at the Irish airport awaiting transportation.

She got me this huge armchair to sit in and a electric scooter from someone, a friend of the family who had just died so that I could have access to the rest of the house because ramps were needed, floors were all at different levels.

She was trying hard to please me but not in the right way, what I needed most of all was a friend, someone to talk too that could understand what I was feeling like, where was that woman I had fallen in love with? Where was she?

I was as bad as she, communication wise but felt that I had some kind of excuse for being a grump, ………..still think I had.

I panicked one day after another silly row one morning over her pulling the covers of me in bed by accident, as she had to get up and help the kids get breakfast.

I had just had it at that stage, she left with the kids to go round to her Moms, I phoned an old Irish friend that I hadn’t seen for 15 years but knew was living in Melbourne and pleaded for help.

He called for me after a two-hour drive, it was lucky he wasn’t working that day and we both ran outa there while no one was about.

I really didn’t know what I was doing but Cinderella and I were not getting on in any sort of a decent way and I felt it would be easier on the kids, not that they had heard much, if I simply just left.

I was too exhausted to know any better at that stage.

I was happy to see a familiar face but at the same time felt I was making some kind of big mistake here, like I say, I panicked and she frightened me with her lack of closeness and lack of care/love, whatever u want to call it.

Keep on rocking in the free world.

1. Dear Roy, I am sorry to have to write this to you, but I have no other way of contacting your family. I promised your Mum I would look after Rooster. I have failed. I got home at 2.OOpm to discover that Rooster has gone. He has packed his belongings and left me. I don’t know where he is. I don’t know if he is safe. I don’t know if he is ever coming back. He didn’t leave me a note or contact number or anything.
2. Ever since the flight, Rooster was unhappy. He missed his routine, his belongings, his solitude, his family and friends. I believe I tried too hard to make him feel comfortable, but no matter what I did it was the wrong thing.
3. I want to be sure he is okay, that he is safe.
4. He had mentioned to me that he had a friend called Frankie over here. I don’t even have his last name, his address or phone number. I don’t know what to do.
5. PLEASE send me an email if he makes contact with you - just to let me know he is okay. I will write again the minute I hear anything at my end. I will call your mum right now.

Cinderella

1. Roy,

Rooster is with his friend Frankie. He called me to say he had freaked and ran away. I asked if I could collect him and bring him home, but he said to wait until tomorrow. Sorry for the alarm. I hope we can work through this. His number is 6544445377 if you need to contact him,

Thank God he’s okay !!!

BFN

Cinderella.

• Cinderella,

Thanks for your e-mail about Rooster. Is everything OK now ? Is Rooster back with you ? Tell him to calm down and ring me if he needs to. Will keep in touch.

Roy.

1998 12:52 Subject: Rooster is okay

Just a quick note to let you know that Rooster is now having Respite in an MS center here. Frankie’s wife Grace drove him there on Friday night. Once he is well again he will return home to Ireland. I am devastated by these developments. I will let you know if I find out departure details. Please ensure that he has full medical and psychological care on his return to Ireland. I can do no more.

BFN

Cinderella

Hello there Cinderella,

Jeane here (Roy’s wife!).

Have been asked by Rooster’s Mom to ask you for the phone no. for the center where Rooster is at present. Have you been to see Rooster in the MS center? How is he? Both Roy and his Mom are very worried.

Please forward the phone no. as soon as possible. Thanks.

1. From: Cinderella to Roy

Date: 03 November 1998 00:22

I know you must be worried sick about Rooster. He is fine, he is now in a respite in Williamstown getting professional care , I will forward the phone number when I get it. Samantha phoned to ask me about my "reasons" for allowing Rooster to depart in such a way. I am in the middle of writing to her - I wish I had the answers she needs. I had no part of his decision to leave. All I know is that I was prepared to share my world with Rooster, but he went through something that I will never understand and chose to leave me and my children, pack all of his belongings, be taken away by friends I didn’t know, and leave without a note. Rooster and I spoke again yesterday. He seems to think it was okay to treat me in this manner - due to his illness, Let me reassure you - his medical health is okay. I have begged him to go home where he will be happy. He needs his family, friends, things, and home as it is. He cannot and will not adjust to changes. I had no idea he would have so much difficulty. If it is of any use to you - yes I did love Rooster. The clock cannot be changed, what happened is now history.

BEN

Cinderella

I was not fine as she suggests.

She didn’t give us any chance to work through what had happened.

She had closed the door on me.

I stayed at Frankie’s for two days and then phoned the MS Center and that night at mid-nite set off for a place called Watsonia, an MS respite care center.

All I remember was Frankie’s wife and their dog "Clive" were looking after me as best they could, Frankie had to work.

We arrived at the MS center about 2am I think and was shown into my room, I just wanted to run once again but had nowhere to run too this time, it was dark, dirty and I was delirious.

I spent the next week without the ability to shower and dress myself I was that bad.

Any idea what it’s like to be a independent, able to stand and shower still 41 year old male and two weeks later have to be helped to your wheeler, then taken to a bathroom and completely naked be helped to wash by a complete stranger.

Begging phone calls to Cinderella did no good what so ever, in fact she put an answering machine on so that I could not have direct contact with anyone from her house.

As the week passed I got to know some of the regular staff and inmates, for me it was hell on earth.

My first experience of bad MS cases ever, my possible future was staring me in the face for the first time.

It scared the bloody shit out of me.

To tell the truth my experience meeting persons bad with MS freaked the living daylights out of me and I don’t mean any harm in any way to those of you with bad MS, it was my first time experiencing serious MS fellows.

It was a big bloody shock to my system, that’s all, hard to see what my own possible future might hold.

I stayed one week and was transferred to a place called Williamstown.

I asked the Taxi driver to bring me through the city on the way so that I could see a bit of Melbourne.

Williamstown was another MS respite care center but with a difference, they had some "Cognitive MS" care patients there, in other words head problems.

Most were ok but some were not.

Another shock to my already damaged system.

She didn’t say why I had run or that I had said that it was too late now to come and collect me and to leave it until tomorrow, it would have taken her at least 2 hours to drive over and it was 10pm.

Cinderella phoned me back after ten minutes and shouted that I had made my bed and now I would have to lie in it. That was the last time we spoke.

I had another MS attack that evening after the final phone call.

Cinderella had arranged for us to go away for the week end before I ran but then changed her mind and wanted to go to a friends baby’s Christening instead, that really pissed me off and helped me make that decision to run, she couldn’t even make the effort to try and get things together for us both, I said I didn’t mind her decision but that was a big lie.

This was a typical message that I left on her answering machine, which she had put in place to avoid direct contact with me:

• Firstly that I have never stopped loving you

Secondly that I forgive you for anything you said that hurt me

Thirdly that with time to think I now realise why I was in such bad form, it takes time for me to recover and accept a further loss in my physical symptoms, hence my depression, anger and grumpyness, I am sorry for taking out these things on you and your home

I am prepared to go on anti-depressants to make things easier

Fourthly that I would like you to take me home with you and the kids again.

Think about it all and you will understand why this has happened and try to forgive me.

Subject: Reply to Mrs. Spence

Today I received your letter. I understand you are upset. Rooster has caused us all a great amount of grief. I believe first and foremost it is important for you to understand that;

· Rooster in his own words "Romanced" me. He was never in love with me. He told me this himself.

· The reason for our involvement, from his side, was purely to obtain a Visa as his intention was to stay in Australia indefinitely. This he admitted openly in a letter written recently - I will gladly send a copy if you need me too.

· In this same letter - he declared that he went Frankie’s with no other intention than to hurt me. He wanted me to suffer.

· These childish games are something I am not accustomed to - nor do I wish to be.

· Regular phone calls - which I have on my answering machine tapes - were of a disturbing nature. If he were able-bodied, I would have had a police restraining order placed on him.

· I could tolerate and accept and live with his physical MS condition and all its limitations - his psychological condition is another matter entirely.

· Rooster was uncompromising in any way, shape, or form.

Bullshit, I was living in hell; she simply could not understand what I was going through.

· One day, I returned home to find him gone. No note, no forwarding address, all possessions gone -no intention to return. This is unacceptable by any standards.

• I have been used, I was taken for granted, I was misled, I was conned, I was made a fool of. I am humiliated to think that I was gullible enough to believe that there was any true feelings on his part. I will have no further involvement with Rooster - please accept this as final as I will not enter into any further correspondence. Please arrange for his return home.

Cinderella

Cinderella my lost pet,

Would u like to know what really happened ?

We ran out of Beautiful Irish Hand made chocolates……..lol

Seriously though,

I am asking that you simply read this, I am asking you for a few moments, nothing else, I am not asking to be taken back even though it is all I want, please read this and take time, all you need to consider what has happened to us.

I cannot move on without trying all I know to at least help you understand what I only now know and realise what went wrong.

After arriving and meeting your Family and some friends two weeks passed for me in what is now a bit of a haze.

I began to grumble due to all the changes, tiredness, fear about what happened on the flight over and whether I would ever recover and more I am sure.

I admit I am the worst person in the world when things are not suitable to my needs and slagged you and your home endlessly at times during that time.

Your reply was to imagine me always this way in the future and in anger I am sure said that you would never marry me.

To me this was the end of my Fairytale, I had never been married before, unlike you, I had never put so much trust in any woman before, never before had I honestly committed myself to someone, anyone before, you were everything to me, more than everything, in jest we both joked about it at the beginning, the more you repeated it the more afraid and alone I became or felt.

My defenses were triggered, as were yours, we didn’t trust each other any more and at this stage we were bickering in front of the kids. It was the last thing I wanted to happen but yet I was unable to resist biting back and giving you all I could at every available opportunity, at this stage there had been a delay in sending my stuff, so, I canceled sending it because I thought why waste the cash If I was not going to be allowed by you to stay in Australia visa wise.

I did not realise at this stage that it would be possible for someone to sponcer me and that I could remain here that way.

I thought we had to marry !!

I was really feeling that I had been led down a path for no other reason than your entertainment, I was exhausted at this stage and could not think clearly, I panicked and really did not know what I was doing.

My Fairytale had ended, I was thinking that you had just used me, for whatever your reasons might have been. I didn’t know what was really happening, I was in Australia, in your home, with your family and friends, I did the only thing I could have done, I panicked and phoned Frankie after that row we had on that sad Wednesday morning.

Frankie has always looked up to me in the past and here was I asking him for help, he left his home immediately arrived at your place, helped me pack my things and the ramp into his car and before I knew it I was gone.

I was so pleased to see a face that I knew and knew that I could put most of my trust in, that’s how insecure I was feeling.

I did want to shock you and punish you for bringing me all this way for what now seemed like a brief six month affair, my world had collapsed.

I had absolutely no control, I was feeling extremely vulnerable, genuinely so !!

I phoned you to let you know that I was OK and I was blasted, superblasted to hell in seconds, now I was the one who was in shock.

The tide had turned, reality came crashing in, I couldn’t understand your reaction, the severity of it, it confused me how I could have hurt you so much, why were you so angry.

I now realise only in the last day or so how it must have seemed to you, I was thinking I was getting my own back on you for you bring me all this way for nothing, that you had used me as some form of revenge against the male population or something like that, I could not make sense of it all.

For you I had done the unthinkable, disappeared and let you down in front of your family and friends, taken most of my stuff in a very hurtful way, I did mean to hurt you but only because I was hurting in a huge way also.

We both could not see what each other was going through, that you must understand and accept as the truth.

I must have hurt the kids, that was never my intention or would ever be, it was you I wanted to get back at for ruining our Fairytale.

I lost my reason, self-control and self respect, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, was having panic attacks triggering nervous spasms similar to the one that happened on the way over.

Yesterday was the first day that I have been able to wash and dress my self alone, feel happy about that, for me an achievement.

You are more than welcome to come over and I remain wildly in love with you, I would have called to you by now only getting arrested is not my scene.

Keep on rocking in the free world.

Rooster.

I received your letter on Thursday 5111 November.

In reply:

1. I believe you will only be happy once you are home in Ireland with your family, friends, home and "things".

2. There is no reason for you to remain in Australia taking advantage of the kindness of the MS Society.

3. You must accept that as a result of your actions we are no longer friends.

4. I did not buy your ticket, I did not organise your visa, I did not organise your traveler’s cheques, I did not share your ideas of the future. We mutually agreed to have holidays in each other’s countries. Nothing more.

5. You’re continued correspondence and telephone messages are not welcome. Your attempts to involve my family and friends are not acceptable. I will not respond to any further communication with you.

Do not delay your departure. Go home.

Waking at 5am with the air conditioner gently breezing some cool air by, annoying for me, later learnt how to turn it off, thanks to Peter.

Parking outside in the sunshine in order to pull a very bright pastel Peach-Yellow coloured rose stem closer and inhaling deeply.

Getting to know the staff and their routines.

Getting to know the other MS'ers.

Wagon train processions down town and to the pub for lunch.

Lemon tart with raspberry sauce covered in cream outside a cafe viewing the harbor, in a way not unlike Dun Laoighre back home.

Traveling outside for cigarette breaks, not one smoked alone, always two, three and even four at a time depending on the stress levels.

Checking out suitable accommodation on the Gold Coast using the Internet.

Betty the boss giving me her time.

Robin and Merika check me in, she’s very nice and Robin understands us where most people don’t.

Few laughs, the first week goes by, two.

Riffle Club Pub almost every Friday, fish and chips and Pokies (Gambling machines) after.

Corina, Corina, a blonde Romanian beauty and palm reader, she says frown and then tells me how many wife’s, girlfriends others and I have had or will have.

A fine team, Corina and Annette.

Annette just burnt our omlette, she’s a born again Evangelist, even if she tried she couldn’t hurt a fly.

Sweetness.

A woman with cognitive problems walks into the main TV room with her Jeans half way down her legs wanting help to do them up.

Les rolls his own cigarettes, he’s an ex-butcher with a head-shake and a large scar down his right arm. He fought for the Aussie’s in Vietnam, well when I say he fought he really cooked and walked always last in line while out on patrols, the worst position to have been in or so he said. The Vietcong would let a patrol past their lines and then shoot the last man first before killing the rest, Les didn’t like that !!

Helen, another with head probs and suffering anxiety attacks sits outside smoking and spitting, spitting and smoking, spitting, spitting, and spitting.

Waiting for news, waiting, waiting, and waiting.

The days pass, then the weeks.

No news from my woman.

I am hurting, she is cruel.

Everyone says I am better off without her.

Fairytales don’t come true, this could happen to you.

She says I couldn’t change, I say she couldn’t understand.

I ran away, ……..me, ………..run away.

Why?

A bottle-brush plant, native Australian, picture time………….snap.

Typing on the 386 PC.

Bogan’s, Hoons passing by late at night, youngsters blasting car stereos and moving fast.

A Digeree-doo sounds in the distance late at night.

Where am I?

Must be a party somewhere.

Another nightmare, sweating, I jump into my wheeler and push myself outside for a load of smokes, it’s three am.

I look up at the stars, very few to be seen compared to home.

The birds are vicious here, even the small.

White heat, rare but some experience.

Two minutes is too much.

I was sitting outside in my wheeler in the sun chatting to Les, well, moaning to each other actually, when out of the blue came a thought from my little brain "I think we should start a butt factory Les" !!

Les cracked up; choking as he laughed and coughed at the same time…….a butt factory, say’s he in his Australian accent.

He knew what I was talking about, a bit of a problem for the Institution, ciggie butt’s everywhere and we were the culprits.

So, we spent the next half an hour telling everybody that came along and waiting for the strange comments that would come after.

Cathy was a staff member that I didn’t see eye to eye with, she was one of the one’s that would knock and walk straight in on you and not wait for an answer and invitation to come in.

One day Frank, another inmate walks in to the main kitchen/dining area and as he passes by say’s to Cathy "Has anyone ever told you that you’re lovely". Cathy thinks for a second and say’s to Frank "That’s lovely of you to say so".

NO, say’s Frank looking at me. "I just wanted to know if anyone has ever said that to you and kept walking with a strange look on his face", I just cracked up and still laugh when I think about it. It was a dig or that’s how I saw it at least.

Cathy has a bit of an attitude problem, the "them and us problem".

Keep on rocking in the free world.

Robina the ex-ballerina that moves her body without ever ceasing while sitting in her wheeler, she didn’t have MS, some other illness.

Dear Mandy,

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it.

I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me, I know you think that I am a drug addict and the biggest bastard you could ever meet buuuuut I feel you do have an obligation to listen to my side of the story as you did say at one stage that you would be a friend and look after me when I was out in Auz.

I know I told you to go to fucking hell in anger and complete frustration on the phone one day and I apologise for that sincerely buuuuut if you had been I you would have done the same under the circumstances.

Another good reason for you to hear my side would be to assist your friend Cinderella to understand what happened and help her heal any wounds that I may have caused in order that she may enjoy life the way one is supposed too or a relationship with some other male one day.

A woman of Cinderella’s caliber doesn’t have to overcompensate for past relationship problems by attracting a disabled person like me to her and abusing me the way she has, she simply needs a lot of Counseling and time, that was what she said to me when first we met.

She wasn’t looking for a relationship.

I wish I had listened.

The only reason I say that is because of Cinderella’s kids Mark and Pingo, I think that they should not be the ones to suffer as time goes by, it’s important that they have male companionship that they can trust in their surroundings as they grow up, especially Pingo.

If you think for one second that I had a great time out there you are sadly mistaken.

The whole nine week experience for me was a nightmare and it has hurt me in many different ways buuut that’s life and if there is a positive anywhere to be found for me it would be that I have fond memories of our Fairytale together, enough to live on while I pass the next however many years on this planet.

So, for me things began to go wrong shortly after Cinderella had arrived here, she had changed her tune and her ideas were now different, she was saying that we should look on things between us in a way that was different to what I was and had been thinking all along.

I was fully behind emigrating, that Cinderella knows only too well.

She had said that we should look on things between us relationship wise as if we were about to exchange time spent together as holidays in each others homes.

This, pricked up my ears, in other words I was thinking that something had changed in her plans which now had me wondering about her sincerity concerning our whole Fairytale.

I was too afraid to question her deeply on this subject and it was too late for me now as everything was in motion so, I agreed her terms thinking that once we got to Auz and had been together for awhile things would grow between us and she would have enough time to relax and see that I was actually the person she had fallen in love with over the Net.

I had been put on the defensive, my first doubt about the whole Fairytale had been introduced and inside somewhere said that things could still work out buuut that triggered more questions like maybe Cinderella didn’t actually love me the way she had made out, she had been here the best part of a week and maybe she had realised that things between us were too different after all, I was too afraid to confront possible rejection if I am honest.

Insecurity in me is something you would rarely be allowed to see openly.

I had arranged with my solicitor and family to be able to sell my house in my absence, I was going for good, had gone through everything I owned, packed up and boxed anything I wanted with me in the future, I was emigrating, I knew that I loved Cinderella dearly, I knew that I would be able to get on with her children and family given time.

I had put a lot of thought and time into what I was about to do and was fully behind my thoughts with all my heart and soul, truly I had.

Anyway, time here passed quickly and before I knew it I was heading for Australia.

Cinderella saw me at my best here in Ireland, full of energy, in love and on a complete high, the week she was here was our honeymoon time spent together.

After the attack on the plane which wasn’t planned by the way, I was not the same person buuuuut insisted on pushing things to the limit and beyond.

I wanted things to work out so much that I killed it all in the end, my big mistake.

I needed for myself to make a really good impression on Cinderella’s Father because of his initial reaction to our meeting on the Net, I insisted on staying up late, getting to know everyone as quick as was possible, doing too much, pushing myself beyond anything I had done energy-wise for years, meeting Cinderella’s friends, going shopping, getting my drug supply for the future, trying to get to know as much as I could in order to feel safe and secure in my new surroundings.

I know now that it is too much to expect people to understand the needs of a disabled person such as I.

I needed to feel safe as being disabled creates huge feelings of vulnerability within, feelings of such intensity I had not experienced before.

I felt like Cinderella was taking all control, changing me, remember sitting in front of me watching as I was embarrassed into getting a hair cut, I had no place of mine to put things, Sue hassling me about compromising, Jesus, that was the last thing I needed.

I did warn her twice that I was about to run.

I was ill on the inside big time trying to desperately hold myself together.

Eventually I even pissed in my pants, things had become that comfortable.

I still have difficulty believing I actually did what I did but I had too…………Run !!

If I had only been able to enjoy a shower which is a very basic necessity, if I had a space that I could have called mine to put things, if my things had been sent without delay, if only, if, if, if only.

I became paranoid, began to imagine things, began to feel like I was being taken over by the Botche family, I felt obliged to eat all the food that was being put in front of me, it was like I had entered a Hillbilly home.

At my worst moment I thought that they were trying to kill me, I began to feel no one was there to listen to my needs.

Cinderella should have been close to me and not gone running around to her mother as things began to go wrong, I needed someone to speak to me as a friend really badly.

I put on a good front when in public buuuuuut inside it’s a different story, you know the rest, I panicked and ran to my friend Frankie and his wife, who by the way didn’t turn out to be much of a friend at all.

I saw him and his wife once more as the next seven weeks passed spent in respite care.

You have no idea how hard that was for me spending my weeks in care waiting for Cinderella to calm down and come and see me and sort things out as I tried to recover from the Jet Lag and now two MS attacks, the second I had in Frankie’s that night I had left Cinderella’s after she ended things on the phone.

As the weeks passed I lost the use of my legs totally, suffered more panic attacks and found myself breaking out at three in the morning to smoke many many cigarettes, there I was sitting in my wheeler in the middle of nowhere, half dressed looking up at the stars with feet twice their normal size due to water retention problems, no-one to comfort me in the slightest way, where were you my supposed friend.

Trickling tears traced a salty line down my cheeks many a time as I waited, waited, waited for word or call or reason to touch me and say something like " Come on Rooster, let’s go for a picnic with the kids, it’s a nice sunny day".

You could not smoke inside the building I was staying in, it was a kind of jail, restrictions everywhere.

Feeling sorry for me……….. you have no idea what I have been through emotionally, mentally and physically.

I almost committed suicide on a number of occasions, the phone calls to home in the middle of the night were the only thing that stopped me.

I tried to get the Social Worker at Camberwell’s MS society to try and talk once more to Cinderella buuuuut she didn’t think it appropriate because of Cinderella’s Mother’s involvement with their branch, some Social Worker.

Questions were being asked about me at the main Footscrae MS Branch, where were those questions originating from, Cinderella’s Mother I would say, my dates were changed for departure from the societies respite care, I now had to get out two days before Christmas, real nice.

I priced all possibilities to do with a on flight carer, my sister got an emergency visitors visa from the Australian Embassy in Dublin, I even talked with the Irish embassy while my friends and family spoke to the Department of Foreign Affairs. I checked flight changes to Germany as there was an MS carer going home for Christmas.

I finally just gave in and decided to try and make it on my own, the stress was killing me anyway, I had nothing to loose at that stage.

I was running out of cash and did not want to deepen the debts I had already incurred and to proud to accept cash or help from elsewhere like my parents, I had gotten myself into this mess so I was intent on getting myself out of it.

I felt a huge weight lift from me as the planes wheels left the runway, I couldn’t wait to leave, you should try staying in institutionalised care someday for a couple of weeks.

I had a third attack on the plane on the way home, had to be dragged to the toilet every time, was meet in London by a friend and taken home.

My Mother cried out loud as I appeared at the airport, I couldn’t get up my stairs once home, couldn’t shower for weeks, just lay there recovering as best as I could.

After a while I asked my sister to move out, it was too embarrassing for me and her, my physical state.

I began to figure out new way’s to get up and down the stairs on my butt, slowly I began to recover and strengthen, after eight weeks I can stand up and get up one step at a time, hopefully I can get back to where I was at before I left here, I got a seat for the shower/bath, sold my car and bought a computer, hence this.

Cinderella is not a natural nasty person, that, I think I know, she’s just hurting real bad and I, well, Cinderella knows that I am damaged also from an abusive past and I had no idea how hard it would be for me to adjust to new surroundings buuuut I tried. I did try.

Having the only person that was close to me in Australia fighting with me didn’t make things any easier.

Have you no heart at all, could you not imagine in the smallest way even what it must have been like for me, I still have difficulty believing you all turned out to be like that and treat me the way you did.

To have been accused in the nicest possible way of stealing her Laptop, of abusing her Children and the MS societies resources, being threatened with a restriction order and a police visit to the MS society at Williamstown.

To have my personal belongings dropped at reception by her Mother in a black plastic bag without her coming in to see me.

To have had my gift to the woman I fell in love with posted back to me and arrive the very day I bought her and her children Christmas presents.

To have received a most hurtful letter telling me to get out of her country.

To be left wondering what the hell I had done to deserve all of this while trying to keep my physical life intact.

Cinderella still has stuff belonging to me, a device driver on floppy disc for my zip drive and a CD, all my course notes and floppies and more I am sure.

Smoking cigarettes that were 10 times stronger than my usual for the two weeks I was there was a big mistake and caused me to have bad circulation in my legs, having the swimming pool next door to the bedroom kept that end of the house cold, her water system was a nightmare, in all the house was a nightmare, too dark, too cold and too busy.

Having to meet Rod and sit and watch him hug Mark lying on the floor in front of me was not easy.

She did say to me that we would have time to recover alone but there was someone from her family in the house every day, her friends were brought into my bedroom and introduced, basically I had gone from silent surroundings to a madhouse.

I had to come home and explain what happened and still to this day I can’t figure it out, I can only guess that Cinderella’s Father got involved and because she relies on her family so much for support, if he threatened her I suppose their was not much she could do.

My left arm and hand are in bits, I have just had an aids test and await the results and I have locked my front door for good to the outside world.

We are both to blame for what happened, it was all too much in the end.

A total lack of understanding on Cinderella’s side and little or no patience whatsoever on mine.

I would love to hear your side of things, not that it is going to change anything buuuuuut I am really interested in finding out if she is OK and what way she saw things.

I’d really like to understand fully what happened and you know something, I’d do it all again if I was given the chance, I still love her you know even if you all think I am a drug crazed lunatic.

I am presently getting counseling from the MS center here to help me accept it all.

If you don’t come back to me I suppose I’ll just have to put it down to the population of Australia living up to it’s reputation.

Keep on rocking in the free world.

Take care,

Rooster.

Ps. I recently asked Cinderella to pass this onto you and asked for your e-mail address but she wasn’t obliging.

In fact she was extremely abusive towards me once again, am really sick of it at this stage and it does nothing only stress me out more, as if I don'’ have enough worries.

Hope to hear from you as Cinderella was really hurtful saying you were all laughing at me over there.

Whatever you might think that sort of attitude is not right to say the least.

Take care of yourself, I feel that you at least should be allowed to read my side of what happened.

I just woke again in a sweat pineing for Cinderella, Pingo and Mark and it’s almost seven months after I returned home. I was dreaming I was lying in bed with them all, Pingo used to come in sometimes at night. She was so cute, I was in a panic being so far from home with strangers all round, why didn’t she take me back, why wouldn’t she take me back after I had panicked, why?, I waited seven weeks for forgiveness, what was going on in Cinderella’s mind, what was happening at home for her?

It was too much to take on, my mind was set in this mode that I was never going home again, that was wrong, a big mistake.

I just didn’t realise it would be this hard to leave Ireland although it was more to do with not having someone that I could rely on out there, a friend that was close, very close, I needed that support so much and it just wasn’t there in Cinderella.

It was a gigantic move for me to have tried to make, the reality was beginning to hit me hard especially now in my weak physical condition.

I do love them all dearly and always will, Cinderella, Mark and Pingo and feel so bad about running out on them.

If Cinderella had given me some hope, if she had agreed that we would move to a more suitable home, if we had been able to communicate, talk about my fears, my feeling so vulnerable, I was not calm anymore.

I missed my health so much now, I needed help and was afraid to put my trust in taking any medication, I was feeling to vulnerable and needed my wits about me, I was afraid to take something and wasn’t used to taking stuff like sleeping pills.

If only after I had asked a Social worker to mediate between Cinderella and I. Cinderella had not been so strong headed with her on contact. Cinderella had said to her that she would put a restraining order on me and when the Social worker told me that I freaked again and couldn’t stand any more rejection or stress and refused to meet her, it was obviously all over in Cinderella’s mind.

For me I decided to wait and see if she would come to her senses and try at the same time at the same time to recover enough to make it home alone.

I booked a flight to Sydney in the hope of getting Cinderella to come for a weekend away to see if we could work things out and when I phoned the Social worker to see if she would get in touch with her on my behalf she declined saying that she didn’t see any point, Cinderella had made things perfectly clear that she didn’t want anymore to do with me.

I was devastated, a week later I left for home in my wheeler.

Keep on rocking in the free world.

I got onto the plane and got into my seat and begun to rub my right knee, it was paining for some reason, I rubbed it for at least three hours as we flew over Australia and onto Singapore, squeezing and rubbing, rubbing and squeezing, was not sure what was going on but it felt good to do it.

I was wearing a condom drainage unit so that I could avoid having to go to the loo, that didn’t happen, I couldn’t release and pee sitting down and had to be dragged to the toilet by a male Steward every time, once alone and standing it was no problem.

I got to Singapore and had to get off as they clean out the plane so I was able to empty my pee-bag there, that was an ordeal on it’s own due to the fact that someone had to be with me at all times for security reasons.

Back on again for the remainder of the journey, fourteen more hours, about an hour into the flight another MS attack began to trigger more spasms.

I luckily I had kept some sleeping pills and was able to take three, and while receiving care from a beautiful Quantas female stewardess drifted off to sleep once again.

Arrived in Heathrow airport, London, met by a good friend and taken home to Dublin where my Mum and Dad collected me.

I was living on pure adrenaline at this stage and probably had been ever since my first attack on the way out.

I got home and sat in my so familiar chair that was they’re waiting for me, I didn’t want to move ever again.

In fact I am home now seven months and have been out only twice and that was to go to the Hospital both times.

I don’t feel safe enough to venture out but will I know when ready.

I could not climb the stairs anymore but was so determined to make it that I for weeks lifted myself up those stairs on the two Banister rails I had in place, I came down on my butt.

As the weeks passed I got worse instead of better and eventually lost the use of both hands for a period of two weeks after straining my arms getting about after receiving a phone call from Cinderella early one morning at 4 am.

Stress from her anger and my total exhaustion I believe led to that.

The Doctors reckon it is demylination damage from another MS attack but I think my body and mind could simply just take no more.

Those few weeks were so hard on my Mum as she looked after me, I was thinking suicide is now the only way out a lot.

You have no idea what it is like to loose the use of your hands, a very very very freighting experience in every way.

I was put on a twelve week course of steroids but stopped taking them after five days, my reason for doing that was I couldn’t think straight and didn’t want to loose my mind as well.

After a few days my hands began to return and were feeling like they had a pair of thick gloves on at all times over the next couple of weeks.

The weeks passed as I lived in my bedroom and eventually I agreed to move downstairs, I had no toilet or showering facilities downstairs.

I had gone downhill over the past six months since going to Australia, can no longer stand leaning for long periods of time, can no longer get upstairs via the "Himalayan" route, I have damaged my right arm and part feeling in my right hand.

The Health board got me a Camode, which inside I was able to put a plastic bag and that way it was easy to empty and spare any visitors and myself the possible embarrassment of any remaining odor.

I pissed in a beaker and poured it down the sink and washed my body by hand.

It took weeks and weeks to get used to those changes as I spent the next seven months downstairs.

As my hands got better and better I got back on my Puter and got back on the Net.

I lost total feeling in both hands for two weeks, I was dropping cigarettes to the ground not even being aware that they had fallen.

The neurologist say’s that it is unlikely that I damaged both nerves in each arm at the same time, considering what I was doing dragging my weight upstairs, I think it might be quite probable.

Again the frustration of not having enough time to think and question the Neurologist.

Lost and feeling very alone on this one.

I am afraid now that I have been given the option of trying the drug "Interferon"

I, on one hand am wanting the anyone, even the Medical establishment to help and on the other hand lambasting their very ideas.

They, "the Neurologists" even cannot answer my questions, such as "Why do you get flue like symptoms as a side-effect" ?

But why the reaction they don’t know or what the reaction is my Neurologist can’t say except flue like symptoms for weeks and possibly months.

Jesus what’s that going to do to me.

And yet when I look further for the answer there it is, Bacteria living in the Intestine and skin seem to react when the "Interferon" is injected.

" Why possible depression " as a result of injections, because I have finally given in or given up the fight to change myself?

Do other persons see taking help that way?

Without my Mum’s help I honestly think I would have simply died, that’s a real Irish Mother for ya, eh !

It’s now eight months since leaving for Australia and I have to admit at this stage that it was the huge changes that were necessary to make that ruined my Fairytale.

Not my lack of love for Cinderella or her children.

In my physical condition the changes were gigantic, way beyond my expectations even, especially after what happened on the plane.

I am still annoyed at Cinderella for being the way she was and reacting the way she did and still annoyed at myself for not being big enough and strong enough inside to allow those necessary changes to form, then again I am sick ain’t I.

It’s funny how life seems to land you in the position where you should be at, in order to make you learn.

My Fairytale did not come true after all but I did get a glimpse into what one is like and you know something I will chase another as soon as I get back enough strength.

I love women, love romance and know I love Ireland, my country of origin, for sure now.

• It taught me that I should communicate my true feelings first of all, I didn’t run out on Cinderella and the kids but I did try to run from the pain and confusion that I was in and was too far in that pain to be able to be the real me and communicate what needed to be said.
• That hoping to find love on the Internet is not as easy as you may think.
• That I was very ni-eve at the age of 42.
• Never to put myself into a situation like that again.
• To respect my own body and it’s present capabilities.
• That all women are not beautiful.

• To never forget that pain both physical and emotional that I went through.

• To have the utmost respect for whatever independence you have in this life.
• That it must be instinctual for a woman to set aside her own needs for her children’s.
• Australia is a hard, tough place to feel comfortable in, if in a wheeler.
• Not to get involved with a woman that has only seven months before left her husband even if she tells you that it has been over for years.
• That a battered woman needs a lot of time to heal and trust a male again.
• Never to act on you’re wild spontaneous impulses and go chasing your Fairytales first without waiting at least six months into a relationship while together before deciding on anything permanent.
• To never put myself into a situation where my future partner and my partner’s family and friends can swamp me.
• To sort out the important questions like for example, would she have another child with me in the future at some stage.
• Whatever family you have are all you can rely on besides yourself when crisis hits you in this world.
• That a romantic male trying to live out his dreams is a stupid, blind nyeve male.
• To stop acting out my victim dance in reality, it’s detrimental to my health in my condition and believe more in myself and what I feel is right.
• I guess that’s what you call going through a mid-life crisis.
• Finally, to never trust how far a woman with child or children will go in order to provide entertainment for those children as they grow up. That’s what this mistake was all about, not love or mine or her needs but the children and their needs in the future.
• Keep on rocking in the free world.

Hi Johnny,

I received the pictures yesterday and have asked a mate in Melbourne to post this to you so that you can have a relatively speedy reply.

I am still recovering from my trip out there, I lost the use of my legs on the flight home after another MS attack and then lost the use of my hands for a period of two weeks. A real freaker if you can imagine for a second the difficulties that occur. Smoking cigarettes that kept disappearing for instance and then you would wonder what the funny burning smell was.

Anyway over the last month I have begun to recover although I still cannot get upstairs and have been living downstairs for a couple of months now.

How that Australian woman treated me the way she did I will never understand and through counseling here I have been able to let go finally all the trauma that I went through living with those other MS people over a period of seven weeks while trying to recover enough to return home. Living with disabled people was as much a shock for me as it was for you to have seen me in the state I was in. Remember I could walk upstairs with the use of handrails before I left here.

Whatever I might have said to hurt her did not warrant her over-reactions and even if she was protecting her kids who I can understand she still could have at least spoken to me in a civilized manner. I do pick em eh H

She obviously had huge problems that I knew nothing about.

Well me old mate, that’s my present position. I wish things had have been different for my visit to you but there ya go. All I remember was that first night I arrived to your new home, all the hassle on the phone with Cinderella then the MS attack getting worse, me shaking, and finally chatting to you for a hour or so. It was all crazy.

I have applied for planning permission to build a bungalow at the side of my home and am in the process of having a through-floor lift fitted so that I can get about my home, Dr Who and the Dalicks remember that one or was it Dr Who and the Bollicks.

Johnny I am sorry man, for giving you such a shock seeing me the way I was then, and I was and still am extremely grateful for the help your woman found in herself to aid me in the way she did getting me to the MS center in the middle of the night etc. I can still recall Clive I think was your dog’s name barking at the headlights of other cars as I sat there in a state of shock.

What can I say, what do I say I am at a loss for words, there is just One.

THANKS

From the heart.

There was nothing else you could do to make things any better for me at the time.

In all I had four MS attacks since leaving here last September. . . one on the way over, one that night you came and collected me, one on the way back on the Quantas return flight and finally the last one after receiving a phone call from Cinderella shouting more abuse after my return home at about 3am one morning. I would have had one on average yearly before that since my diagnosis back in 1989.

Anyway I am home drinking cool sparkling fresh silky water from the tap and was never so happy to be in my space doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

I could tell you stories about that place I stayed in and whatever happens to you in the future do not go and live in one.

I was so sad to leave the one or two friends I made there knowing that they were there for life.

Susan tells me that you still work part time for that bastard and then you are in the Cafe all the rest of your time, life sucks when you have a mortgage eh!

I know only too well.

To think if I was to sell here and move out there I would have about half a

Million Aussie dollars, would I be happy ??

If I ever come again I will take a week in Singapore to help me recover or stay on track nerve-wise; maybe I shouldn’t even consider it for a second and be happy with Ireland. You know it’s the best place in the world to be on a sunny day.

Are you homesick ?

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I’m a bollicks, I know, I know.

I hope things get better for you and the cash worries release a bit, it’s taken me six months to get over the Jet lag and the ordeal, and things can only get better from here on in.

Did Cinderella ever contact you again after I had left ???

I’ll probably jet off to some youthful young lady somewhere else in the future and die a happy man I have no responsibilities unlike you. My only problem is who do I leave my will too, funny eh!

It wasn’t easy for me having to return after leaving and saying goodbye to everyone for what I thought was for good, I must have been meant to do something here before I left, can’t figure out what yet though.

Well that’s about it Johnny, get an e-mail address and I can write more often and send pictures etc.

Best of luck to you both,

Rooster.

That you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be
loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
that no matter how much I care;
some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't just biological.
I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned-
that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Looking back eight months later I think I begin to understand more of what actually happened between Cinderella and I.

We had both fallen in love with our weak, vulnerable sides of our true selves.

She wanted to protect that side of me that was so in need of protecting and I wanted to be the one to protect her and allow her to find that side of her that wanted freedom from her own present situation.

When we met and actually saw that we were both extremely independent, protective of our past hurts and hiding so far behind those protective masks that we had both created for ourselves over all the years that we were not able to show to each other the sides of our true selves that we had fallen in love with in the first place.

We had totally ignored the fact that we might be like that, independent and strong willed people.

I didn’t foresee that things would go the way they did regarding visitors to meet me, illness etc.

I missed my tranquillity big time, having that precious time to think and figure everything out, not that I wasn’t willing or didn’t try.

We were so defensive that we couldn’t communicate once the initial few days were over, then once we found out that we were both such independent individuals we just got annoyed and began to try and force each other into submission verbally.

Once that began we couldn’t stop and both hurt each other emotionally so much that there was no going back.

For me I totally panicked and ran in my exhausted state because I just couldn’t understand what was happening and she was the same and put my reactions down to some sort of psychological problem from drug taking over the years.

Today I spend my time chatting with new MS friends on the Internet, a safe distance, people who have some sort of understanding about what life is like for me.

I am still looking for a mate and am known as Rooster, although I think I will change that soon, at Jooly’s Joint MS Chat room that is sooooooo full of support for us Guys and Gals whether married, single or whatever.

Married women usually are the best flirts and love to get their kicks, whether sexual or whatever with single guys like me in the chat rooms.

I have had offers to F*** online with them but know that it’s just a fantasy for them so I resist and it drives them even more crazy.

They are crazy for attention and will say anything to get u aroused, they tell their most secret of secrets or fantasies, a learning experience, that’s for sure.

I met Cari Loder last night and chatted for a short while.

Remember, she was the British woman that found her own treatment for MS and I tried it for six months after fighting with my local GP to be given the medication that I needed to try it out.

Cari believes that the large Medical Pharmaceutical Companies will bury her treatment if they are given the rights to it so she has given it to a smaller Company now and hopes they will research and develop it and take on the distribution.

A conspiracy theory I know, a bit like my own thoughts on the subject of all illness being caused by traumas in one’s life resulting in a weakened immune system and hence MS developing.

She was doing fine and still on her self found treatment or whatever she or you would like to call it.

Her Book is called "Standing in the sunshine".

My Neuro said that he knew her Neuro in London and reckons that she was miss-diagnosed originally, of course he wouldn’t put that on paper would he.

I’m about to try the drug Interferon Beta 1b, it’s just been sanctioned to chronic progressive MS cases here in Ireland and that’s what I am termed as.

I have my doubts and dread the possible side effects but as my hands are beginning to show more signs of MS activity since recovering after my Australian trip and I can not ignore the possibility of Medical help anymore.

Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong all along, over-stubborn in my belief that it is possible to find the will to find my own way through this MS.

While watching a replay of the Oprah show earlier today it all seemed to come together the reasons why I had done all of this and why it all ended in total confusion and shock-horror, my trip to Auz that is.

The show was about men that had been abused by women in marriages in America, hard to believe I know but true all the same.

Men that the court system simply cannot deal with and has no court compassion allotted to in their system, maybe now things have changed but not at the time of writing this anyway.

Men that had been pushed down a stairs, pushed through glass doors, hit in the nuts several times, slapped, kicked and beaten by all different types of objects, been verbally abused for years etc. etc. etc.

As young men they were taught never to hit a woman but at the same time were never taught that it was OK to defend them selves.

They would become a victim as a result of their early teachings simply because they had never been told or shown the full story on how one should react in different situations.

So, like I had mentioned before, I play this dance where I fall in love showing a side of me that is peaceful, calm and full of self confidence secure in my surroundings when on my own and not in a relationship.

This attracts to me a similar type of mate with a similar type hidden side which does not want to see or be any part of having a relationship with a person that reflects their own insecure hidden side.

When things went wrong after I had arrived in Australia and had lost all my support systems Cinderella was now beginning to see the side of me that she hates in herself and reacted accordingly by closing the door on me after I walked out.

This was not the person that she wanted to be a part of her future and had no understanding of how to deal with her own reactions and feelings on this let alone how to deal with what I was going through at the time.

We both ran and made our own excuses for doing so, her excuse was that I was a drug taker and had a personality disorder as a result and mine was that she had frightened me in several ways and gave me none of the support that I was desperately in need of at the time.

The reality was that we both were not able to lend support to those sides of us that needed it most.

She just couldn’t understand that most of all I was in need of that close friend and I became my usual victim of circumstances that I had no longer any control over and that their was nothing that I could do in that situation.

So, we were now both on the loosing end without any way back.

I came out the worst though, I have lost the use of my dam legs, she lost a future possible partner but then, so had I.

Keep on rocking in the free world.