Secrets

By RPonda

 

Jack was in his office finishing off some paperwork when he heard a tentative knock at the door. “Come in,” he said, not positive he’d actually heard it.

 

The door opened slowly and Daniel’s head appeared. Noticing Jack was actually doing paperwork, he said, “Never mind, Jack. You’re busy. I’ll talk to you later.” Then he made to close the door.

 

“Dammit, Daniel,” Jack replied. “Get in here. It was obviously important enough for you to come see me, so tell me what you need.” Jack had stood up and gone to the door to open it fully.

 

Daniel was pulled into the room as he still had hold of the handle. “Um, sure, Jack,” he said trying to regain his composure. “Um, yeah. Well…”

 

“Daniel, spit it out,” Jack ordered.

 

“I was wondering if I could come over tonight,” Daniel said quickly, feeling stupid for inviting himself to Jack’s house.

 

Jack was somewhat taken aback. The only other time Daniel had initiated this was when he was feeling guilty about his behavior on Shyla’s planet. He didn’t know of anything that had happened recently for Daniel to feel guilty about. “Sure, Daniel,” he answered. “Anytime. You know that.”

 

“Thanks, Jack,” Daniel said, relieved. “I’ll bring dinner.”

 

“1900 hours then?” Jack asked.

 

“Fine,” Daniel answered. Then he retreated from Jack’s office as quickly as possible

 

Daniel arrived on time bearing two pizzas, one with Jack’s favorite toppings and one with his. He set them on the kitchen table. Jack had already set out plates and beers. Daniel dug into his pizza and started eating. He also downed his first beer fairly quickly and got another one out of the refrigerator.

 

Jack was surprised. Normally when Daniel was upset, he didn’t eat, and he definitely didn’t drink. Worried about his atypical behavior, Jack asked, “So, Daniel. What did you want to talk about?”

 

Daniel looked startled. He swallowed the bite he had in his mouth and then followed it with swig of beer. “Talk? Um, I didn’t really want to talk about anything in particular. I just wanted some company,” he denied.

 

“Yeahsureyebetcha,” Jack replied sarcastically, “and I’m the Wizard of OZ.” He put his hand on Daniel’s forearm. “Daniel, this is me here. Your friend. I’m not that dumb.”

 

“Sorry, Jack,” Daniel said, hanging his head. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

“I know you didn’t, Daniel,” Jack assured him. “So tell me what’s wrong.”

 

Daniel fidgeted in his chair. He stood up to get another beer. “Not here, Jack.”

 

“You want to go into the living room?” Jack asked.

 

“No,” Daniel answered. “Can we go up on your roof? I need some air.”

 

“Sure, Daniel,” Jack replied, curious as to what had his friend so worked up. “You go on up, and I’ll put the rest of the pizza away.”

 

“Fine, I’ll see you in a minute,” Daniel said as he left the room, grabbing an extra beer on the way.

 

Jack shook his head. He didn’t think the extra beer was for him. Whatever was going on with Daniel was pretty damn serious. Jack grabbed two coats before he headed up to the roof. He’d noticed Daniel hadn’t been wearing one when he came in, and the nights were getting colder.

 

Jack climbed up to the roof deck to find Daniel sitting in a corner on the floor, instead of one of the chairs. “Comfortable, Daniel?” he asked sarcastically, throwing Daniel the extra coat.

 

Daniel didn’t take the bait or the coat. He just let it fall to the ground. “Sure, Jack.” Then he took another swig of beer.

 

Jack decided to ignore his own knees and sat in the other corner on the floor facing him. “Daniel, put the coat on,” he ordered.

 

“What?” Daniel finally noticed the coat lying at his side. “Oh, the coat. I’m not cold, Jack. Thanks anyway.”

 

“I didn’t ask if you were cold, Daniel,” Jack insisted. “I said ‘put the coat on’.”

 

Daniel became angry. “We’re not on a mission, Jack. I don’t need to follow your orders.”

 

“Daniel!” Jack yelled, exasperated. “You’re the one who asked to come over tonight. Just put the coat on before you freeze and tell me what’s wrong.”

 

Daniel stood up swaying. “I already regret it. I’m just going to go home now.”

 

Jack stood up, not quite as quickly, and grabbed Daniel by the shoulders to steady him. “Daniel, you’re not going anywhere.” He pushed Daniel down on the chair. “Sit down.”

 

Daniel was not strong enough to fight. He sank onto the chair. Jack grabbed the coat from the floor and made Daniel put it on. Then he pulled the other chair directly in front of Daniel and sat down. If he tried to get up again, Jack could easily grab him. Jack put his hands on the armrests of Daniel’s chair and got in his face. “I have had enough of your avoidance tactics, Daniel. You will tell me what’s bothering you.”

 

“Or what?” Daniel yelled back. “You’ll put me over your knee, right now.”

 

“It’s very tempting, Daniel, but no,” Jack responded, “because I think that’s what you want me to do, and I won’t do it until I know what the problem is.”

 

Daniel dropped his head and crossed his arms. “I’m a failure, Jack,” he finally admitted.

 

“At what, Daniel?” Jack asked, grateful Daniel was finally opening up.

 

“At life. At love. With Sha’re,” he said regretfully.

 

Ah, Jack thought. Now he knew what was upsetting Daniel. It’d been a week since they’d returned from Abydos, where Daniel had delivered Sha’re’s baby and then seen Apophis take her back. Jack thought Daniel had been dealing with it, apparently he’d been wrong. “How did you fail her?” he asked.

 

Daniel shook his head. “How did I not fail her? I left her to be kidnapped. I allowed her to be Goa’ulded. Then once I actually find her, I reject her.”

 

The only thing Jack could deny was Daniel allowing her to be Goa’ulded. There hadn’t been any way to help her by then. He didn’t think pointing it out would make much of a difference to Daniel at the moment. Instead he took a different tactic. “What do you want to do about it, Daniel?” he asked.

 

Daniel wouldn’t look him in the eye. “You know what I want, Jack,” he answered.

 

“You’re going to need to tell me,” Jack insisted. If Daniel wanted his help, he was going to have to ask for it.

 

“I want release,” Daniel stated firmly. “I wanted to be punished for failing Sha’re.”

 

“No,” Jack said, finally sitting back.

 

“Bastard!” Daniel yelled at him.

 

“Watch it, Daniel!” Jack warned. “You’re too drunk to deal with this tonight. Tonight, you’re going to sleep it off in your room.” When Daniel started to protest, Jack shut him up with a look. “Tomorrow, when you’re sober, we’ll talk. If you convince me you deserve it, I’ll do what you want.”

 

“Dammit, Jack. You know I deserve it,” Daniel insisted.

 

“Not another word, Daniel,” Jack said, standing up and towering over him. “Not until tomorrow.” Daniel tried again. “Atch, tomorrow or no deal.” Daniel shut up. “Now, we need to get you down without breaking your neck.”

 

“I can get down on my own, Jack,” Daniel insisted, wobbling.

 

Jack had had it. “Daniel, shut up and let me help.”

 

Some of Daniel’s commonsense returned. “Shutting up, Jack,” he stated.

 

“Good.” Jack managed to get Daniel down the ladder without either of them falling. Then he put Daniel to bed and went to his own room to get some sleep before morning came, all too soon.

 

Jack woke up first and brewed the coffee, strong. Daniel would need it. A short time later Daniel came into the kitchen, still dressed only in his t-shirt and boxers, feet bare. His hair was sticking up all over and he had a day’s growth of beard. He rubbed his head, messing up his hair further. “Morning, Jack,” he said, groggily.

 

“Morning, Daniel,” Jack said cheerily. “Sleep well?” he asked, as he handed Daniel a cup of coffee. Daniel glared at him. “I’ll take that as a no.” Jack decided to not give Daniel any more time to avoid his problems today. “I know we have some issues to deal with today.” Daniel groaned. “Before that though, I want to deal with your behavior last night.”

 

Daniel had stopped glaring and dropped his eyes. “Yeah, about that, I really am sorry, Jack,” he apologized.

 

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time, Daniel,” Jack told him. “You’re the one who wanted to talk last night and then you lash out at me when I try to get you to.”

 

“I know,” Daniel said, lowering his whole head. He remembered everything he’d done and said last night. “There’s nothing more I can really say, but how sorry I am.”

 

“No, there isn’t anything more you can say,” Jack agreed. “However, there is something we can do about it.”

 

Daniel’s head popped back up and he looked directly at Jack, trepidation and surprise written on his face. “Jack, I thought that was only when I risked my life. Not this.”

 

“No, Daniel,” Jack started. “I don’t intend to strap you for last night.”

 

Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. Jack didn’t look like he was finished though. “Then what do you intend to do?” Daniel asked, worrying at his thumb.

 

Jack chose to string Daniel along a little longer. “My dad had a particular method of discipline he used when we were being childish, rather than endangering ourselves.”

 

Daniel knew he wouldn’t like whatever Jack told him. He never did when Jack brought up his dad. “I’m not sure I want to know, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway,” he responded.

 

“Well, you see,” Jack began, “my mom was in charge of decorating the house, except for the one thing my dad insisted on.”

 

Daniel took the bait this time. “And what was it he insisted on, Jack?” he asked like he was supposed to.

 

“He always insisted one corner in every room was left completely empty.” Jack watched Daniel’s face so he’d know when he’d figured it out.

 

It didn’t take long. “You have got to be kidding. Standing in the corner?” Daniel asked, incredulous.

 

“Yeahsureyebetcha,” Jack quipped. “I didn’t like it much either.”

 

Daniel stood up and started pacing. “No way, Jack,” Daniel said, refusing. “I’m not standing in the corner like some naughty kid.”

 

Jack stated simply, “Isn’t that how you were acting.”

 

Daniel stopped in mid pace. He knew Jack was right, but corner time. Looking at the floor, he admitted, “Maybe I was. But Jack, I’ll go nuts. You know I can’t stand still.”

 

Jack reassured him. “You don’t have to stand perfectly still.” Then he added, “However, if I remember right, my dad used to smack us with a wooden spoon if we fidgeted too much.”

 

Daniel groaned. Standing in a corner and being smacked with a spoon for fidgeting, that was too much. “Please, Jack.”

 

“Daniel.” (you know you deserve it)

 

“Jack.” (I know, but the corner)

 

“Daniel.” (stop fighting it)

 

“Jack.” (please cut me some slack)

 

Daniel stood still, staring at the floor, arms crossed. He knew he’d lost, but hoped Jack wouldn’t follow through.

 

No such luck. “I think the corner in the living room, for one hour, should do it,” Jack told him.

 

“Jack?” Daniel tried one last time.

 

“Daniel,” Jack said, the irritation evident in his tone, “you’re lucky I don’t wash your mouth out with soap for that bastard crack.”

 

Daniel looked up in shock. Maybe he didn’t remember everything. “No, no, you don’t have to do that. I’ll go stand in the corner. And Jack, I’m sorry for the crack, too. One hour you said?”

 

“One hour,” Jack replied. “I’ll set the kitchen timer. Do I need to find the spoon while I’m at it?”

 

Daniel sighed, as he walked into the living room. “No, Jack. I won’t fidget.” ‘I hope,’ he thought.

 

“If you say so,” Jack said, as he followed Daniel into the living room with the paper in his hand.

 

Daniel walked over and stood in a corner of the living room. Jack sat down on the chair to read his paper.

 

Daniel did his best to not fidget. He felt like such a kid, standing with his nose in the corner, ‘Dad’ sitting on the chair, pretending not to watch him. Jack was right though. He had acted like a kid. He’d initiated his wanting to talk, and then chickened out, treating Jack badly in the process.

 

About thirty minutes into his corner time, his legs began to ache. He’d never realized how long an hour could last. He started shifting from foot to foot. Then he began shaking his legs out.

 

Jack looked up from his paper. “Daniel, I thought you said you’d be still.”

 

“I’m trying,” Daniel snapped, “you try staying still after standing in the corner for as long as I have!” ‘Damn, that was a stupid thing to say,’ he thought, after the fact.

 

“Daniel!” was all Jack said.

 

Daniel immediately stilled. He could hear Jack stand up and walk into the kitchen. Then he heard a drawer open, items being pushed against each other, and the drawer closing. He waited in nervous anticipation, butt clenched. However, Jack just sat back down in his chair and began reading the paper again. Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe Jack hadn’t meant what he’d said about the spoon.

 

Daniel stayed still for a few more minutes. After that the fidgeting began again. He wasn’t even aware of Jack coming up behind him until he felt the sting of a wooden spoon on his left butt cheek. “Oww,” he yelled, rubbing his cheek, “Jaacck.”

 

Jack brought the spoon down on Daniel’s right cheek. “Stop fidgeting.”

 

As bad as Daniel felt about his behavior, he was angry with Jack. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you, Jack,” he said sarcastically.

 

Jack sighed sadly. “No, Daniel. I’m not enjoying it at all. If I had my way, none of this would have been necessary.” Then he went and sat back down on his chair.

 

Daniel felt like a heel. He’d caused all of the problems, yet he was blaming Jack for forcing him to accept responsibility for them. “Sorry, Jack,” he said sincerely. “I won’t cause any more trouble.” Jack didn’t say anything, so Daniel shut up, stopped his fidgeting, and finished out his time.

 

The kitchen timer buzzed. Daniel didn’t move. With all the trouble he’d caused, he figured Jack was in charge of releasing him, not the timer. In the meantime, Jack was wondering why Daniel was still standing in the corner. Realizing Daniel was waiting for him, Jack said, “Okay, Daniel. Time’s up.” Daniel turned around, still standing in the corner, arms crossed, head down. He looked pitiful. Jack walked over to him, put his arm around Daniel’s shoulders and said, “Last night’s forgiven, Daniel. I know you were upset, enough to get yourself drunk. Just please let’s not go through that again. You know I’ll listen anytime you want to talk.”

 

“I know, Jack,” Daniel replied. “I screwed up.”

 

“Are you ready to deal with your other issue now?” Jack asked.

 

“Yeah,” Daniel agreed. Last night he didn’t think he could ever admit what he was feeling. This morning, he knew if he didn’t, he’d go crazy.

 

“So, what’s going on?” Jack asked, after they’d both sat down.

 

Daniel started, “Like I said last night, Jack, I’m a failure. I’ve failed Sha’re, and I can’t deal with it anymore.” He sat on the edge of the chair, arms on his thighs, worrying at his thumb.

 

“Daniel, I understand what you’re saying. I really do.” Jack took a deep breath. “But if I punish you, with how you’re feeling right now, I’m afraid you’d let me kill you.”

 

“You wouldn’t do that, Jack,” Daniel insisted, “and I don’t want that.”

 

“Daniel!”

 

“Fine, maybe I do feel that guilty,” Daniel admitted. “All I know, is I can’t go on the way I’m feeling right now. I just can’t, Jack.” Daniel put his head down and ran his hands through his hair.

 

“I’m not saying I won’t help you, Daniel,” Jack assured him. “We’re just going to do it my way this time.” He’d thought late into the night about how to help Daniel.

 

Daniel lifted his head to stare at Jack. “What way is that?”

 

Jack stood up and held his hand out to Daniel to help him up. “Follow me.”

 

Daniel didn’t have any choice but to trust Jack. He accepted the help and followed him into the den.

 

Jack told him to sit on the chair behind the desk. Handing him a legal pad and a pen, he said, “Here. You have one hour. Write down all the ways you’ve failed Sha’re. I want them written neatly and numbered. Oh, and in English. If you finish before time’s up, just sit there and wait. Understood?”

 

Daniel took the pad and pen. “I understand, Jack, but…”

 

“Atch,” Jack said, lifting a finger, “just do it.” Then Jack left the room and closed the door.

 

Daniel didn’t know what to think. However, he took Jack at his word and began writing. His wrote his failures in detail. Without even realizing the time, he heard the door open, and saw Jack walk in.

 

Jack took the pad of paper from Daniel. Not even looking at it he handed Daniel a new pad. “Now I want you to write all the things you love about Sha’re.” Daniel looked at him in shock and confusion. “I mean it, Daniel. Number them again. You have another hour.” Jack left the room again, taking the first pad with him.

 

Daniel stared at the paper for a minute. All the things he loved about Sha’re? He didn’t know where to start. He thought about her face, her smile, the feel of her lips when they kissed. He began writing.

 

Another hour passed, and Jack entered the room again. He took the second pad of paper from Daniel. “Okay, Daniel. Go back into the living room. Get yourself a cup of coffee if you want. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

 

Daniel stared at Jack in confusion, but then he followed Jack’s directions. He grabbed a bottle of water instead of the coffee. He didn’t think his stomach could handle it. He tried to sit down, only to stand up a minute later and start pacing. Finally Jack entered the room.

 

“Sit down, Daniel.” Daniel sat. “Okay, this is how we’re going to do this.” Jack ran his hand through his hair. “I’ve read through both your lists. I don’t disagree with anything you wrote.”

 

Daniel looked surprised. He’d expected Jack to argue with him, try to convince him he wasn’t a failure.

 

“You’ve listed thirty-seven failures and seventy reasons you love her. So, I’m going to give you one stroke of the belt for every failure.” Jack stopped for a minute to make sure Daniel was following him. “For every stroke, you will read one failure and two reasons you love her.”

 

Daniel tried to speak, but Jack cut him off. “If at any time you stop reading, I stop the strapping. Do you agree with this?”

 

Daniel gave himself a minute to collect his thoughts. He was beginning to understand Jack’s methods. This way he would receive the maximum penalty of thirty-seven strokes. He knew Jack would make every stroke count, that he was sure of. Jack was also making sure he knew what each and every stroke was atoning for. Okay. This could work. “Yes, Jack,” he answered. “I agree.”

 

“Let’s get it over with then,” Jack said, standing up and removing his belt. He put the two legal pads on the seat of the chair Daniel would bend over. “You know what to do.”

 

Daniel walked over the chair, lowered his boxers and bent over the back of the chair. He could read what he’d written easily, although he thought he knew his failures by heart.

 

Jack started by saying again, “After every stroke I expect you to recite one failure and two reasons for loving her. Ready?”

 

“Ready,” Daniel agreed. He felt the first stroke across his backside. “I uncovered the Stargate,” he stated.

 

“And,” Jack prompted.

 

“I love her hair and her smile,” Daniel continued. One down, thirty-six to go.

 

One by one Jack swung the belt. Each time Daniel read off the paper. Even when tears were streaming down his face and he was having a hard time seeing, he wouldn’t stop. He wanted to pay for every failure he had listed.

 

Jack brought down the thirty-seventh stroke. “Ahhh,” Daniel groaned. “I couldn’t keep Apophis from taking her away again,” he cried. “I love her ability to love me and the way she ground yfetta flour,” he finished.

 

Jack put his belt back through the loops, giving Daniel a chance to recover. After Daniel stood up and raised his boxers, Jack hugged him. Daniel continued to cry on Jack’s shoulder. “Shh, Daniel. It’s okay. Let it go. You’ve paid. Let it go.”

 

After a few minutes, Daniel’s tears stopped, he wiped his eyes. “Thanks, Jack.”

 

“Anytime, Daniel,” Jack replied, releasing Daniel. “Do you want lunch, or do you want to rest?”

 

“I think I’ll go lie down for awhile,” Daniel answered. He was exhausted from the emotional release.

 

“That’s a good idea,” Jack said. “I’ll see you when you wake up.”

 

Daniel went to lie face down on his bed. His backside was on fire, but his heart wasn’t so heavy anymore. He quickly fell asleep.