Daniel was worried. He knew Jack was angry, very angry. The look Jack had given him when he’d beamed into the Enkarans’ camp could’ve killed. He’d been trying his best to avoid Jack from then on. Even though everything had turned out all right, it would take awhile for Jack to get over what he’d done. Even though Daniel thought he knew the position he’d put Jack in, somehow he had a feeling Jack wouldn’t agree. The problem was, it’d been four days since they’d come back to base and Daniel found he wasn’t having a very hard time avoiding Jack. It became apparent Jack was also avoiding him. This didn’t sit well with Daniel and he decided if he and Jack were going to continue working together they’d have to talk at some point. He might as well get it over with.
It took awhile for Daniel to find Jack working out in the gym. Not wanting to interrupt Jack while he was working out on the punching bag, Daniel sat down and watched him. Just as he’d decided Jack was never going to take a break, so he might as well leave, he heard Jack say, “What do you want, Daniel?” Then he heard one more punch into the bag.
“I was wondering if we could talk, Jack,” Daniel answered, hesitantly.
“About what?” Jack asked without ever looking at Daniel.
“About the weather,” Daniel said sarcastically, irritated Jack wasn’t helping the situation. “Never mind.” He started to leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Jack said quietly, “We do need to talk. How about my place at 1900 hours?”
“Okay,” Daniel agreed. “I’ll be there.” He left allowing Jack to finish his workout.
Jack didn’t bother finishing. It wasn’t helping. He took a shower and went back to his office to finish some work before he left. He didn’t know why he had made things difficult for Daniel earlier. At least Daniel was making an attempt to discuss the problem. Throwing the final paper he had to sign into the out box, he stood up and walked to the locker room to change. Daniel was already there. “Hi,” Jack said.
“Hi,” Daniel replied. “I’ll be done in a minute.”
“No rush,” Jack told him, as he proceeded to change. Daniel finished first and without saying a word, left the room. Jack sighed. It was going to be a long night.
After he’d finished changing, Jack signed out of the mountain. He pulled out his cell phone and ordered take-out, which should arrive at his house shortly after he did. He knew Daniel had signed out before he did and expected him to already be at the house. He wasn’t, which made Jack begin to worry a bit. However, it was only 1845 hours and maybe Daniel had stopped somewhere for a minute. He went into the house and took off his coat, hanging it up. A couple minutes later the take-out arrived and he put it in the kitchen. Then he waited for Daniel to show up.
At precisely 1900 hours, Daniel arrived at Jack’s house. He’d been driving around for the last twenty minutes trying to decide what to say to Jack. Problem was, he still didn’t know. He quickly rapped on Jack’s door and then let himself in.
“In the kitchen, Daniel,” Jack called out.
Daniel walked into the kitchen smelling the Mexican food Jack had ordered. “Hi, Jack,” he said hesitantly. He took the plate offered to him, filled it with food and sat at the table. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Jack replied, piling up his own plate. Then he too sat down.
They ate in awkward silence for a while, each dealing with their own thoughts. Finally Daniel spoke. “Why have you been avoiding me, Jack?”
“Probably the same reason you’ve been avoiding me,” Jack answered. “Neither one of us wanted to deal with the last mission.”
Daniel nodded in agreement. “I couldn’t let you wipe out an entire civilization without trying to find a better solution,” he said, staring at his plate.
“I know,” Jack replied quietly.
“Then why are you still angry with me?” Daniel questioned. He’d expected an argument, not agreement.
“What makes you think I’m still angry, Daniel?”
“Maybe because you won’t talk to me and you’ve been avoiding me?” Daniel answered sarcastically. Then wished he hadn’t been so flip a moment later.
“It’s not anger, Daniel,” Jack stated firmly. “It’s more resignation.”
“What?” Daniel shook his head, confused. “I don’t understand.”
“I’ve come to the conclusion nothing I do or say is going to make a difference.” Jack sat back in his chair, wondering how Daniel was going to react.
“Oh.” Daniel also leaned back in his chair, worrying at his thumb. “I’m not sure what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Daniel.” Jack stood up and put his plate in the sink.
Daniel was still stunned. “Um. What exactly does this mean? I mean as far as our working together.”
“What do you want it to mean?”
Daniel hated when Jack answered a question with a question. “I don’t know, Jack,” he said wearily. “At this point I’m trying to figure out if it means we’re still friends or not.”
“I still consider you a friend, Daniel,” Jack assured him. “A friend who doesn’t listen to me maybe, but still a friend.”
“Jack,” Daniel said in exasperation, “I do listen to you. I don’t always do what you say, but I listen.”
“Okay,” Jack responded.
“Okay? That’s it?” Jack wasn’t reacting at all the way Daniel had expected him to. He was starting to worry more.
“What else should there be?”
“Am I in trouble for risking my life?” Daniel didn’t want to be, but he also found security in knowing Jack cared enough to not want him to.
“Again, Daniel. What’s the point in your being in trouble for it? It doesn’t stop you from risking your life.”
This wasn’t what Daniel wanted to hear. How could he explain to Jack what he didn’t understand himself? Maybe he should take the easy way out and just accept what Jack was saying. He didn’t want that though, it didn’t feel right. “It does, Jack,” he admitted. “Not every time, but it does.”
“You’re going to do whatever you want, Daniel. No matter what I say. I don’t see what disciplining you does, except maybe get rid of some of your guilt,” Jack told him. “Maybe the guilt will work better.”
“Fine,” Daniel said, standing up. “I’ll be going now.” He started walking to the door.
“Good night, Daniel,” Jack called out.
“Good night, Jack,” Daniel replied. He put on his coat and left the house. He opened the door to his car and slammed it shut again. This wasn’t the way things worked. It didn’t feel like Jack was playing by the rules. Rules Jack had set up himself. If he left now, he didn’t think he’d ever be comfortable around Jack again. He had to fix things if he could, and if he couldn’t, he needed to know that also. He walked back to the front door and entered the house again. “Jack,” he called out, looking around for him.
“In the living room, Daniel,” Jack informed him.
Daniel walked into the living room. “You’re wrong, by the way,” he blurted out.
“Apparently I’m always wrong,” Jack snapped. “What am I wrong about this time?”
“I’m sorry, that didn’t come out how I wanted it to,” Daniel apologized. “Our arrangement does help.” He turned to face the fireplace, unable to look at Jack. They’d already discussed this before, but apparently he hadn’t made things clear. “I need to know my life matters to someone other than myself.”
“Your life does matter to me, Daniel,” Jack replied. “I just don’t see what good disciplining you is having on your behavior.”
“It’s hard to explain, Jack. It’s more than relieving my guilt.” Daniel shook his head. “I don’t entirely understand it myself, but I’ll try to explain it.” He sat down on the couch and then stood up again and started pacing. This wasn’t easy for him. “There are times you don’t know about,” he began. “Times when I have changed what I’d planned to do because of what I knew would happen if I did it.”
“But you still risked your life this time.” Jack didn’t understand what Daniel was getting at.
“Yes, I did. But I thought about it first. I just decided the results might be worth the cost.”
“Not to me,” Jack informed him. “It will never be worth the cost to me.”
“I can see that,” Daniel replied.
“No, Daniel!” Jack said forcefully, as he stood up and got in Daniel’s face. “You don’t SEE it at all.” He hadn’t wanted to get angry with Daniel. However, he couldn’t seem to stop himself. He turned around and walked to the other side of the room.
This wasn’t how Daniel was expecting Jack to react. He could see the tears forming in his friend’s eyes before Jack had turned around. “I’m sorry. I guess I don’t understand. I’d like to though.”
Jack turned around to face Daniel. “You didn’t just risk your life this time. You forced me to be the one to kill you. I can’t go through that again.”
“I’m sorry,” Daniel said again. “I didn’t think of that. Although I suppose I knew you’d arm the bomb.”
“Yet you still asked to go on the ship?” That was the part Jack couldn’t understand. Daniel had known they were going to blow the ship and he still boarded it.
“Yes,” Daniel answered, ducking his head. “I had to find another solution. We can’t just wipe out entire civilizations.”
“The Gadmeer didn’t seem to care about wiping out civilizations,” Jack pointed out. “Why should I?”
Daniel didn’t have a reply to that. Jack had a point, much as he hated to admit it. He said the only thing he could think of. “I don’t suppose you should care. That doesn’t mean I don’t.” Jack didn’t say anything so he continued. “I should’ve thought about how it would make you feel though.”
“It doesn’t matter, Daniel,” Jack said with resignation. “You’re going to do what you have to do, I’ll do what I have to do. We’ll be fine.”
Daniel sat down and put his head in his hands. “I won’t be fine,” he whispered.
“Why not, Daniel? Why can’t you deal with this like I have to?” Jack asked.
“Because I’m not you,” Daniel answered. “It’s hard to explain. When you first decided to discipline me I wasn’t too thrilled with the idea, but it does work. It also gives me a feeling of security, knowing you care enough to not want me to risk my life. I know I can be reckless at times, but I never meant to put you in the position of having to push the button. I am sorry for that.”
“So what do you want?” Jack was tired of talking. He wanted Daniel to spell it out.
“I want you to deal with this mission they way you always have, Jack,” Daniel admitted. “I need for you to deal with it.”
“So you like being strapped?” Jack questioned, still not getting it.
“No, dammit.” Daniel stood up and started pacing again. “I don’t like being strapped, but sometimes I need it. I need to know the rules haven’t changed.” He stopped for a minute and took a deep breath. “I need to know you still care about me,” he whispered.
Jack thought he was beginning to understand. “I can’t just tell you I care, can I?”
“Not right now,” Daniel agreed. “If you want to change the rules after this, fine, I’ll deal with it. Right now, strange as it may seem, I need a physical reminder you care enough to enforce the consequences of breaking your rules.”
“Okay,” Jack agreed. “I need something from you though.”
“What do you need, Jack?” Daniel would do whatever Jack asked if he could.
“I need you to understand that as far as I’m concerned, your life will never be worth the cost,” Jack told him.
“I understand,” Daniel replied.
“Somehow I still don’t think you do,” Jack said quietly, “but I’ll accept that you’re trying to.” Daniel nodded. “I also want you to tell me the next time you decide not to risk your life.”
“Agreed,” Daniel responded, grinning a little, “The very next time.”
“Okay. One final thing.”
Daniel lifted his head to look at Jack when he didn’t continue.
“Since I was the one who almost killed you, I’m the one who decides how long the strapping lasts,” Jack explained. “However long it is you have to accept it. Deal?”
“Deal,” Daniel agreed, wondering just how long this strapping was going to last.
“Okay, you know the routine,” Jack said standing up and taking off his belt.
Daniel stood up, moved over to the chair, dropped his pants and boxers, and bent over.
“What’s this for, Daniel?” Jack asked as usual, getting into position.
“For risking my life and making you make the decision to do so,” Daniel answered, waiting for the first stroke.
Jack obliged him. He brought down the first stroke, then another and another. He made them hard and fast, and then he stopped. “That’s it, Daniel,” he told him as he put his belt back on.
Daniel wasn’t sure what to think. He’d expected Jack strap him for a longer period of time. However, he’d agreed to accept Jack’s discipline. He stood up and fixed his clothes. “I am sorry, Jack,” he said one more time.
Jack pulled him into a quick hug. “I know you are, Daniel. I’m sorry, too.” Then he released him and walked away.
Daniel stood there not knowing what to do next. “Your bedroom’s ready for you,” he heard Jack call out as he opened the door to the patio. “Thanks, Jack,” he called back. Apparently Jack didn’t expect him to leave, so he went into the bedroom and got ready for bed.
Sleep wouldn’t come. Finally Daniel got up, dressed warmly and quietly went out to the back porch to stare at the stars. Everything still felt so unsettled to him, but he didn’t know how to fix it. A short time later he heard Jack open the patio door. He guessed he hadn’t been as quiet as he thought.
“It’s a beautiful night,” Jack said to the air.
“Yes, it is,” Daniel agreed. Maybe now he could figure out what was still wrong. “Jack?” he said questioningly.
“Yes?” Jack replied.
“Something’s still wrong, isn’t it?” Daniel looked at Jack and saw only sadness in his eyes.
“What makes you think that?” Jack inquired, turning away from Daniel.
“It feels wrong,” Daniel tried to explain. “You seem sad. Why?”
“I’ve already told you.” Jack wasn’t trying to be difficult; he just didn’t want to talk about it.
“It seems I still don’t understand,” Daniel told him. “I’d like to, if you’ll tell me again.”
“I almost killed you, Daniel. That bothers me, okay.”
“But you didn’t,” Daniel said. “I’m fine. Besides, I know you felt like you had to. I don’t blame you for it. There were thousands of Enkarans and only one of me. I was expendable.”
“Dammit, Daniel!” Jack yelled turning on him. “You just don’t get it. You are not expendable. Not to me. Yet I still pushed the button that would’ve killed you. I’m having a hard time dealing with that fact.”
Daniel had backed up when Jack yelled at him until he hit the railing. He hadn’t realized just how upset Jack was. “I wish there was something I could do to help you deal with it, but I don’t know what to do.”
Jack watched Daniel back up and regretted his outburst. “I’ll deal with it, Daniel,” he said quietly. “It’ll just take some time.”
Deciding to let the matter drop, Daniel asked a different question. “Why did you stop the strapping so quickly?”
Tempted to lie about his reason, Jack instead choose the truth. “I wasn’t sure I would ever have stopped if I’d continued any longer. I was angry, I still am angry, with you and with myself. I don’t like strapping you when I’m angry, but you wouldn’t let it go. I decided it was better to do something than nothing.”
This wasn’t making Daniel feel any better about things. “I’m sorry I pushed,” was the only thing he could think of to say.
“You needed closure,” Jack replied. “I understand that. I’m sorry I don’t seem to be able to provide it for you.”
“That’s not your fault, Jack,” Daniel insisted. “I guess some things I have to do for myself.” He stared at the stars again. Out there things were different. It was a different life and different worries. He didn’t want to go back to his life on Abydos though. Not the way things were now. Conflicts were everywhere and he had to deal with the ones that came his way. “I think I’ll try getting some more sleep now,” he told Jack.
“Sounds like a good idea,” Jack replied without moving. He was still sorting out the thoughts going through his head.
Daniel left Jack alone and walked back to the bedroom. He laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Jack stayed on the porch for a while longer. He knew he wasn’t dealing with things any better than Daniel was. He just couldn’t get over the fact he’d chosen the Enkarans over his best friend. He couldn’t believe Daniel would put him in the position of having to choose. Had he pushed the button expecting Daniel to die or had he assumed that somehow something would fix things. Didn’t Daniel always find his way around death, or at least come back from it. How would he deal with it when Daniel did lose, when he didn’t come back? This time was just too close. Was that why he was pushing Daniel away? So it wouldn’t hurt so much when he did lose him. Logically he knew it didn’t work that way. Even if he completely cut Daniel out of his life, he would regret losing his friend. Who was he really angry with anyway? Daniel was just being Daniel, savior of the universe, at the cost of his own life. Hadn’t Jack just confirmed that Daniel’s life wasn’t worth a thousand others when he’d pushed the button? What would happen the next time Daniel risked his life? Would he make the same choice? All these thoughts kept running through his head until he thought it’d explode. He wasn’t supposed to be the thinker, Daniel was.
He walked back into the house quietly. Intending to go straight to his bedroom and try to get some more sleep, he made a detour to check on Daniel first. The bedroom door was open and he stared at Daniel who had finally fallen asleep. He was curled up on his side facing Jack with his covers kicked off. He looked so very young when he was asleep. Jack knew better though. He knew Daniel hadn’t had much time to be young, not with everything he’d been through. He walked over to the bed and pulled the covers back over his friend. He remembered doing this with Charlie in the middle of the night. ‘Dammit,’ Jack thought, ‘was that the problem?’ When had he begun to think of Daniel like a son? Stupid question. When had he not thought of Daniel that way? Hadn’t he been treating him like a son when he’d started disciplining him? Hadn’t he almost killed another son? He quickly walked out of the room when he came to this conclusion.
Daniel opened his eyes and watched Jack leave the room. Had he screwed things up so badly Jack couldn’t even stay in the same room with him? He kicked the covers off again and rolled over to face the wall. He leave Jack’s house in the morning. Then he’d take a leave of absence for a while to think things through. If he was running away from his problems, so be it.
Jack was already up making breakfast when Daniel entered the kitchen, dressed and ready to leave. “I have some waffles ready, Daniel,” he said.
“I’m not hungry, Jack,” Daniel countered, not looking at him. “I was just coming in to say good bye.”
“You normally eat first,” Jack replied.
“Things haven’t exactly been normal this time.” Daniel started walking to the front door when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t turn around.
“Daniel,” Jack said hesitantly. “We still need to talk.”
“I thought we already did that.” Daniel had made up his mind and didn’t want Jack to try to change it.
“Fine, then,” Jack said, stepping in front of Daniel to make him look at him. “I need to talk to you. Please come sit down and eat something.”
No matter how much he wanted to leave, Daniel couldn’t refuse Jack when he was being nice. He turned around and sat at the kitchen table and Jack set a plate of waffles in front of him. Then Jack sat down on the other side with his own plate. Daniel spread butter on the waffles and then poured syrup on them waiting for Jack to talk.
“You drown your waffles in syrup like Charlie did,” Jack said out of the blue.
“What?!” Daniel spluttered as he set his fork down.
“I think I figured out what’s going on inside my head right now,” Jack tried to explain. “It has to do with feeling like a father to you.”
“Okay,” Daniel replied. He’d always looked to Jack for guidance, but had he looked to him as a father? Who was he kidding, of course he did. He just didn’t like to admit it.
“It felt like I was killing a member of my family when I pushed the button. I couldn’t handle it, so I was trying to push you away. When you wanted me to discipline you for it, it hammered killing my son home again.” Jack never once looked at Daniel when he told him this.
“I never wanted to do that,” Daniel insisted. “I think I’d better just leave.” He stood up and pushed his chair in.
“Not on your life, Young Man,” Jack told him. “Sit.” Daniel sat. “Whether either of us intended for this to happen, it has. I have become a father figure to you, correct?” Daniel nodded. “I take my role as a father seriously. I might make mistakes, but I do try.”
“Jack?” Daniel said hesitantly. “What are you getting at?”
“I don’t think we dealt with your deliberately breaking the rules the way we need to.” Jack was finally looking right at Daniel. “I think it’s time we take care of things.”
“Oh.” Daniel was a bit shell-shocked. This wasn’t how he had planned his morning out. “You mean right now?”
“Ya think?”
“I’m still eating,” Daniel said, stalling.
“You can finish when we’re done,” Jack told him, standing up. “Let’s go.”
Daniel’s gut clenched. This was what he’d wanted last night. Why was he having such a hard time dealing with it this morning? He stood up and walked into the living room with Jack. Turning, he asked, “You’re sure about this?”
“I’ve never been more sure, Daniel. You know what to do.” Jack began removing his belt.
Daniel turned back and lowered his pants and boxers. Then he bent over the back of the chair.
Jack said, “We’ve already been through why you’re getting this strapping, correct?”
“Yes, Sir,” Daniel replied.
Jack was thrown for a moment by the ‘sir’. Then he realized Daniel was responding the way he would to a father. He brought down the belt across Daniel’s backside. There was no anger behind his strokes. He strapped Daniel until he could tell the crying had begun and stopped. He put his belt back on and waited until Daniel had fixed his clothes. Finally he pulled Daniel into a hug. This time it felt right. He held on until Daniel pulled away this time. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Daniel looked at him shyly. “Yeah, I think I am. I know I am.” Things were back to normal. He was more than okay.
“Ready to finish those waffles?” Jack asked.
Daniel thought about having to sit on the chair to finish breakfast.
“I thought it be nice to finish them outside,” Jack explained. “You know, stand at the railing with a view of the woods.”
Daniel grinned and accepted Jack’s concession of standing to eat. He decided he wouldn’t need a leave of absence after all.