Jack knew what he
needed to do. He just wasn’t sure about how to handle it. Daniel had risked his
life again, and for whom, ‘The Destroyer of Worlds’. Deciding he’d rather deal
with it now than later, Jack went to find Daniel. Knowing it was close to the
time Daniel should be heading home, he checked the locker room first. No
Daniel. Then he walked down the hallway towards Daniel’s office, and bumped
into him, literally.
Daniel rubbed his
forehead where he’d smacked into Jack. “Oh, hi Jack.”
“Hi, Daniel,” Jack
said. “My place, 1900 hours.”
Daniel continued
to rub his forehead, more as a reason to not meet Jack’s eyes than anything. “I
was planning on doing some more work tonight.”
“It can wait,”
Jack insisted. He hadn’t missed the fact Daniel wouldn’t look at him.
“Fine, Jack,”
Daniel agreed reluctantly. “I need to change first.”
“Ya think.” Jack
tried to get Daniel to look at him, without success. “I’ll see you at my
place.” Then he walked off.
Daniel went to the
locker room to change. He knew what Jack wanted, and he knew Jack was right
this time, to a point. He really didn’t want to deal with it tonight though.
His frustration got the better of him and he slammed the door of his locker
shut.
Entering the
locker room at that moment, Teal’c was concerned for his friend. “Daniel
Jackson, are you having difficulty?”
Startled by
Teal’c’s sudden appearance, it took Daniel a moment to realize what he was
talking about. “Wha? Oh, no Teal’c. I’m fine,” he answered, keeping his head
lowered.
Teal’c raised his
eyebrow.
Daniel remembered
how he’d treated Teal’c in the briefing room and decided it was time to
apologize. “Um, Teal’c.”
When Daniel didn’t
say anything more, Teal’c prompted, “Yes, Daniel Jackson.”
“I’m sorry for how
I treated you in the briefing room,” Daniel got out.
Teal’c rarely
understood the Taur’i need to apologize for so many things, but accepted it
nonetheless. “You’re apology is appreciated, Daniel Jackson. Is there anything
I can do for you?”
Daniel wished
Teal’c could help him out, but he had to deal with it himself. “No, Teal’c, but
thank you. I-aah-I need to go now. I’ll see you later. Bye, Teal’c,” Daniel
said as he hurriedly left the locker room.
“Good bye, Daniel
Jackson,” Teal’c said in puzzlement.
He drove slowly to
Jack’s house. He really didn’t want to be here tonight. However, he was. So he
might as well get it over with. He knocked quickly on Jack’s door to announce
his presence and walked in.
“I’m in the
kitchen, Daniel,” Jack called out.
Daniel entered the
kitchen to find Jack spooning up Mexican food this time. He was somewhat
surprised, although he didn’t say anything. “Uhm, Jack?” he said hesitantly.
Jack looked at him. “I’d rather forget about dinner and just get this over
with.”
“I’m rather
hungry,” Jack admitted. “I think we should eat first.”
“I don’t,” Daniel
replied, turning his back to Jack. “I’ll wait for you in the living room.” With
that statement he walked away.
Jack rubbed the
back of his neck. This wasn’t going the way he’d planned it. Again.
Jack sighed.
Something was up and it wasn’t his archeologist’s mood. With a fortifying scrub
of his free hand across his face, he set his plate on the counter and walked
into the living room. He found Daniel pacing in front of the chair.
Before he even had
a chance to say anything, Daniel began. “Look, I know why you asked me to come
here and I agree with you. So let’s just get it over with.” He started
unbuckling his belt when Jack stopped him.
“Daniel, wait a
minute.” Jack wasn’t about to strap him without talking to him first. It wasn’t
his way. “We need to discuss it first. Make sure we’re both on the same page.”
“We are Jack. So I
want to get it over with.” Daniel was still pacing agitatedly. “I still have
things I need to do tonight.”
“No,” Jack
insisted, grasping Daniel by the arm. Daniel violently pulled away from him, so
Jack let go. He wasn’t looking for a fight.
“If nothing’s
going to happen tonight, then I’m going.” Daniel quickly walked out the front
door, not waiting for Jack to reply.
Jack sighed in
frustration, then noticed Daniel’s jacket lying over the arm of the couch. He
patted it down and found Daniel’s car keys and wallet. He wouldn’t be going
very far without them. Deciding to wait for Daniel to cool off, he walked back
into the kitchen and quietly ate his dinner.
Daniel reached
into his pants’ pocket to get his keys and realized he’d left them in his
jacket along with his wallet. He kicked the rim of his tire in frustration. His
day was just getting better and better.
With a mumbled
curse and unwilling to go back in the house to get them, Daniel walked towards
the park. He had a lot to think about, and sometimes walking helped. He rubbed
his hands up and down his arms trying to keep warm, not realizing just how cold
it was getting this time of year. Once he reached the park, he sat down on a
bench to think for a while. He wasn’t sure why he’d walked out. He wasn’t angry
with Jack, but something set him off when Jack grabbed him by the arm this
time. He’d pulled his legs up on the bench and wrapped his arms around them in
an effort to keep warm.
A police officer
who patrolled the park walked up to a young man sitting on a bench, obviously
not properly dressed for the weather. He didn’t look like a transient, but you
never knew. “Sir,” he called out, keeping his distance. There was no response.
“SIR,” he said louder. The young man looked up, finally realizing someone was
talking to him. “Do you live around here?”
Daniel looked up
into the face of a rather wizened officer. ‘Shoot,’ he thought, not realizing
how long he’d been sitting on the bench. “No, Sir,” he answered, teeth
chattering.
The officer gave
him a worried look. “May I see some ID?”
“Yes, Sir,” Daniel
replied automatically. Then he remembered his wallet was in his jacket, at
Jack’s house. “Except,” he said carefully, “I left my wallet in my jacket at my
friend’s house. I’m Dr. Daniel Jackson.”
“Please stand up,
Sir,” the officer told him. Daniel stood up, still shivering. The young man was
dressed well, if inappropriately. “Does your friend live near here?”
“Yes, Sir,” Daniel
answered. “I walked here from his house.” Great, not only had he run out on
Jack, now it looked like he’d be going back escorted by a police officer. He
tried to get out of what seemed inevitable. “I’ll just head back there now.” He
pointed towards the direction of Jack’s house, hoping the officer would just
let him go. Luck was not with him today.
“Why don’t I just
escort you and make sure you get there okay.” He spoke to the precinct to let
them know what he was doing and then motioned for Daniel to start walking.
Daniel wasn’t
looking forward to having to ask Jack prove his identity.
Jack had finished
his dinner and begun to worry about how long Daniel had been gone. He’d cleaned
up the kitchen and put away the food. He was just about to head out in search
of his friend when he heard the doorbell ring. He reached the door quickly and
opened it to find Daniel standing on the front steps, a police officer standing
at his side. Daniel held his head down unwilling to meet Jack’s eyes. “Good
evening, Officer,” he said after the surprise had worn off. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, Sir,” the
officer said. “This young man here says you know him. He also says he left his
ID here.”
“I do and he did,”
Jack responded, wishing Daniel would look at him. “Would you like me to go get
it, Sir?”
“Please.”
Jack walked into
the living room and grabbed Daniel’s jacket, wondering just what was going on.
He reached into the jacket and pulled out the wallet. By that time he was back
at the front door. Handing the wallet to the officer, he added, “His name’s Dr.
Daniel Jackson. We work together at Cheyenne Mountain Complex. I’m Colonel Jack
O’Neill. Is there a problem?”
The officer
accepted the wallet and looked at Daniel’s ID and then at the young man in
front of him. Deciding to accept the ID at face value, he handed the wallet to
Daniel. “Not any more, Col. O’Neill. I was worried about him being
inappropriately dressed for the weather and alone at night in the park with no
ID. Just wanted to make sure he was who he said he was.”
Daniel accepted
the wallet and placed it in his pants’ pocket. “I’m sorry for the confusion,
Officer,” he apologized quietly.
“Not a problem.
I’m glad we cleared things up, Dr. Jackson.” The officer shook Daniel’s hand,
and then left.
Daniel was still
standing on the porch shivering, wondering what Jack was going to do next.
Jack looked at
Daniel for another moment, noting the shivering and the dejected and resigned
slump to Daniel’s shoulders. “Daniel, get in here,” he said firmly.
Daniel stepped
into the house and closed the door behind him. He didn’t move any farther in.
Jack reached for
Daniel’s arm to pull him farther into the room but barely brushed the edge as
the younger man shied away from him. “Daniel!” Jack said in exasperation. He
shook his head. “Go take a hot shower and get warmed up. Then come back to the
living room and we’ll talk.”
Daniel wasn’t
interested in talking, but he was in need of a hot shower. Without saying
anything to Jack, he headed off for the shower.
Jack walked into
the kitchen and slammed his fist on the counter in frustration. Just what the
hell was going on? He thought about making coffee and then decided hot
chocolate would be better at this time of night. Jack had finished making the
hot chocolate and had started a fire in the fireplace by the time Daniel walked
into the room dressed in sweats and warm socks.
Daniel accepted
the steaming mug and sat on the floor in front of the fire, managing to never
once meet Jack’s concerned gaze. He sipped his drink, surprised that it was hot
chocolate instead of coffee. “Thanks,” he said quietly, indicating the drink.
Then he shivered again.
Jack grabbed a
blanket off the couch and wrapped it around Daniel’s shoulders. Then he sat
down near him, knees creaking. He tried once more to get Daniel to look at him
with no luck. “Dammit, Daniel,” he finally exclaimed. “What is going on?”
Daniel stared into
the fire. “I don’t know, Jack.”
“That’s not good
enough,” Jack replied. Daniel needed to talk, and he was going to make sure it
happened.
“Sorry,” Daniel
replied evenly. “I really don’t know.”
“Well you’d better
figure it out,” Jack told him.
Daniel continued
to stare into the dancing flames of the fire. He didn’t know what was going on,
or at least if he did, he couldn’t explain it, even to himself.
Jack gave him a
few minutes to think. When nothing was forthcoming he decided to push a little.
“Why did you run out tonight?”
“I don’t know,”
Daniel answered yet again.
Jack’s frustration
got the better of him and he grabbed Daniel’s arm to make him look at him.
Daniel reacted
badly, pulling away from him and sloshing his drink on his hand. “Dammit,
Jack,” Daniel yelled at him, wiping his hand on the blanket.
Jack instantly let
go and stared at his friend. “What was that about? Why is my touching your arm
bothering you so much?”
Daniel was as
shocked by his reaction as Jack was. “I DON’T KNOW!” He closed his eyes in
frustration. “You weren’t touching my arm,” he finally explained. “You were
grabbing it. I don’t like that.”
“Why?” Jack asked,
not accepting such a simple explanation.
“I don’t know. I
wish I did.” Daniel managed to retreat even further into himself.
Jack thought back
to all the times Daniel had had strange reactions and to what had caused them.
Something finally clicked. “Who used to grab you like that, Daniel?”
Daniel finally
stared at Jack, startled by the question. “No one,” he denied immediately.
“What are you talking about?”
Jack pinned Daniel
with a disbelieving look. ~Don’t bullshit me, Daniel~ “I know flashback
reactions, Daniel, and this is one of them.” Jack knew firsthand how memories
could be triggered by current events. “Who used to grab you?”
Daniel closed his
eyes in thought. If it was someone who’d grabbed him, he obviously didn’t want
to remember it. He opened his eyes and shook his head. Nothing.
Jack lifted his
hand, reaching for Daniel’s mug of chocolate as it threatened to slip out of
Daniel’s lax grip.
Daniel froze.
Suddenly he
remembered being in the hospital with his arm in a full cast. Then he went
farther into the memory and started scooting back on the carpet till he hit the
couch with his back.
Jack ignored the
now spilled chocolate being soaked up by the edge of the blanket. “What is it,
Daniel? What are you remembering?”
“He used to grab
me by the upper arm when I didn’t answer him right away,” Daniel answered in a
very young, small voice, while rubbing his right arm.
“What else happened?”
Jack pushed, knowing Daniel needed to tell somebody.
“He would squeeze,
hard. He’d tell me I had to pay better attention.” Daniel stared at Jack. “I
tried to pay attention. I really did. It just never mattered.” Daniel rubbed at
his arm even harder.
“When did it stop,
Daniel?” Jack inched closer, but kept his distance until he thought Daniel was
ready.
Daniel dropped his
head again. “He got really angry the last time and he squeezed really hard. I
screamed when I heard something crack.”
Jack cringed. Damn
the people who had placed his friend in these foster homes. “What did he do?”
he asked, pretty sure of the answer he’d get.
“He broke the
bone, Jack. He squeezed it so hard he broke it. It hurt so bad but he wouldn’t
take me to the doctor.”
Daniel was rubbing
him arm so hard by now, Jack thought Daniel might hurt himself. Carefully, Jack
settled next to Daniel and draped an arm across Daniel’s shoulders, gently
stopping the vigorous motion.
Daniel continued,
“He made me go to school the next day. He told me I couldn’t tell anybody about
him hurting my arm. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I couldn’t write and
the teacher sent me to the nurse. She called my social worker and then she took
me to the hospital. It’d been so long that they had to do surgery to set the
arm. Then I stayed in a group home till it healed.”
“How old were you,
Daniel?” Jack asked.
“Nine,” Daniel
answered.
“I’m sorry,” Jack
said sincerely. The more he found out about Daniel’s childhood, the angrier he
got.
“Thanks,” Daniel
responded. He was exhausted. He laid his head back on the couch, Jack’s arm
still around his shoulders. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. It was pretty
stupid to run off without a jacket or my wallet or keys.”
Jack squeezed
Daniel’s shoulder. “A little,” he agreed. “Running off wasn’t real smart, but
your reaction wasn’t something you could control.”
“If you say so.”
Daniel yawned. The stress of the night had worn him out.
Jack stood up and
held out his hand to help Daniel up. “I think you need to get some sleep.”
Daniel accepted
the hand and stood up. Then he asked hesitantly, “Isn’t there something we need
to take care of?”
“Not tonight,”
Jack answered. “There’s been enough stress. Try to get some sleep and we’ll
talk in the morning.”
Daniel didn’t like
to wait, but he didn’t have the energy to deal with anything more tonight.
“Okay, Jack. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Jack headed to bed
after making sure the fire was out and cleaning up the spilled chocolate. He
wasn’t going to let the incident with Linea go, but it could wait until
morning.
Daniel had a
restless night, but was able to get some sleep. After waking the next morning,
he walked into the kitchen expecting to see Jack. He wasn’t disappointed.
“Morning, Jack.” He poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the
counter blowing on the rim of the steaming cup to cool the contents enough to
sip.
Jack was sitting
at the table reading the paper. Putting it down, he looked up at Daniel. Daniel
still looked tired and worn out. “Good morning, Daniel,” he answered. “There’s
waffles warming in the oven.”
Daniel grabbed a
plate and opened the oven. He placed two waffles on the plate and sat at the
table. He spread butter on them and poured the syrup. He slowly began to
methodically cut bite sized squares. He knew Jack would want to talk, but
Daniel hoped to put it off as long as he could. It wasn’t very long.
“You okay this
morning?” Jack asked. He’d already eaten and was just drinking his coffee.
“I’m fine,” Daniel
answered as always.
“Any nightmares?”
“No,” Daniel
answered truthfully. He hadn’t had nightmares, just bad dreams.
Jack knew better,
but wasn’t going to push it. “Then I guess we’d better take care of why I asked
you over last night.” If Daniel weren’t going to talk about his memories, he’d
deal with the matter at hand.
Daniel sighed.
Almost finished with his waffles, he put his fork down on the plate. “Fine,” he
agreed.
“Okay then,” Jack
said. “What was going on with you and Linea?”
“Kira,” Daniel
insisted. “And nothing was going on. I just didn’t want to see her die. There
wasn’t any reason for it.”
“Linea was ready
to kill you.” Jack wasn’t going to start calling her Kira, not when she’d
almost killed his friend.
“She wouldn’t have
killed me, Jack. She only wanted to kill herself. She couldn’t live with what
she’d done.”
Jack gave up on
arguing that point and moved on to the main one. “Why didn’t you move when I
told you to, Daniel?”
Daniel stood up,
walked over to the kitchen counter and leaned forward across it, his back to
his friend. “What would you have done if I had, Jack? Shoot her? What do you
think would’ve happened then?”
“I would have kept
her from killing you,” Jack replied.
“You’re wrong
about that.” Daniel couldn’t believe Jack didn’t see what he could. “You
would’ve killed all of us if you’d shot her.”
Jack shook his
head. “What are you talking about?”
Daniel turned
around. “What would have happened to the vials in her hands if you’d shot her?
Do you really think you could’ve reached them before they fell against the
floor and broke?”
“What?” Jack
exclaimed.
Daniel didn’t
answer. Instead, he said, “Besides, I wasn’t in your way and you know it. You
could’ve shot her anytime you wanted to. It may not have been a clear shot, but
it would’ve been easy enough for you.”
“Daniel, that’s
beside the point,” Jack argued. “You should’ve moved.” Even though he was still
trying to make his point, Jack was beginning to realize Daniel was right about
what would’ve happened if he’d shot Linea.
Daniel shook his
head. If Jack still wanted to make his point, he had to admit he agreed. That’s
what he had been trying to do last night. “You’re right. I should’ve moved, and
I didn’t. Therefore I risked my life. I accept the consequences if you want to
get this over with.”
Jack was confused
again. Daniel wasn’t arguing with him? What was going on? “Wait a minute,” Jack
said. “Why aren’t you arguing about this, Daniel?”
“What’s the
point?” Daniel countered calmly. “You knew what you were going to do when you
asked me to come over. No matter what I say, I’m still going to end up bent
over the chair.” He wasn’t upset, just resigned.
Jack had to think
about that. Of course he knew what he intended when he told Daniel to come
over. And yes, he knew Daniel was being nice by saying he’d asked. There hadn’t
been any asking in his tone. However, was he so hardheaded he wouldn’t even
listen to Daniel’s argument? He recalled the previous occurrences. He thought
he had listened to Daniel’s point of view, although every time, Daniel had
ended up over the back of the chair. Wasn’t that because he only told Daniel to
come over when he had a good reason? “Do you have any reason I shouldn’t strap
you, Daniel?” Jack asked to check.
“No, I don’t,”
Daniel answered. “As I said, I risked my life in trying to save Kira and in not
moving when you told me to. I’ll abide by our agreement.”
He was looking
straight at Jack, not self-hugging, not avoiding him. It actually unnerved Jack
more, but he didn’t know what to do about it. Should he go ahead and strap
Daniel, or would this be the time not to? Then he remembered how he felt when
he realized Linea was planning to kill herself and take Daniel with her.
Everything may have turned out all right, but that didn’t erase the fact Daniel
had put himself at risk again. Resolving himself, Jack said, “Fine. Let’s go
into the living room.” He stood up and walked out of the kitchen, removing his
belt on the way.
Daniel followed,
trying to decide if he was making a mistake. However, there were other reasons
he needed to be strapped that he hadn’t been willing to admit to Jack. That
fact alone was making him feel guilty. He wasn’t ready to tell Jack everything
yet though. Maybe after it was over he’d be ready to talk. Then again, maybe
not.
Standing beside
the chair, Daniel waited for Jack to ask the usual question.
“What is this
strapping for, Daniel?” This time it was Jack who wasn’t looking Daniel in the
eye.
“Risking my life,”
Daniel answered aloud. In his mind, he said the other reason to himself. Then
he lowered his pants and boxers and moved into position.
“Tell me when to
stop, Daniel,” Jack reminded him.
“I will,” Daniel
replied, not sure he was ever going to tell Jack to stop.
Jack laid on the
first stroke.
Daniel didn’t even
gasp this time. He’d already retreated into himself.
Jack laid on
another stroke and then another. Something was wrong. Daniel was always quiet,
but never this non-responsive. He stopped for a minute to see if Daniel would
even notice. Daniel made no move, nor said a word. However, his body was
shuddering with sobs that weren’t from the pain of the strapping. Jack put his
belt back on and fixed Daniel’s clothes. Daniel didn’t even react. He pulled
his friend up into a hug. Daniel didn’t resist, but he didn’t respond. Jack
held him and let him cry.
A few minutes
later, he heard Daniel mumbling, “I should’ve saved her. It’s my fault.”
“You did save
her,” Jack insisted. “Kira went back to Vyus.”
Daniel shook his
head and pulled away from Jack. He knew Jack didn’t understand. “Not Kira.
Sha’re. It’s my fault she’s dead.” Daniel wiped at his eyes with his sleeve.
Damn. Jack finally
understood. He also understood why Daniel had stopped fighting him. He wasn’t
accepting punishment for risking his life, he wanted to be punished for
Sha’re’s death. Jack was furious with Daniel for not telling him what was going
on and using the strapping for his own reasons. Although he understood Daniel’s
reasons, and would have supported him if he’d been honest, Jack didn’t
appreciate being used. For the time being though, Daniel’s grief overrode his
own anger. “How is it your fault?” he asked, hoping to convince him otherwise.
“She was my wife.
It was my duty to protect her and keep her safe.” Daniel stood away from Jack,
his arms now across his chest.
Jack sighed.
“We’ve already been through this once before, Daniel. What happened was out of
your control.”
“I saw her, Jack.
She was standing right in front of me and I froze.” Daniel turned his back on
his friend, not accepting his words. “There had to have been a way to save her.
I just couldn’t think.”
Jack had been
waiting for something like this to happen. After Sha’re’s death, he’d tried to
get Daniel to talk about it and been unsuccessful. He just hadn’t been
expecting this to be the trigger. He walked over to Daniel, put his hands on
Daniel’s shaking shoulders and rubbed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s
free of Amaunet. That’s what you have to remember.”
Daniel shook his
head, sobbing. “I gave up on her long before she died. I’d stopped believing
I’d ever save her. Then when I had the chance, I froze. I’d gotten used to
living without her. I’m not sure I would’ve known what to do if I had been able
to save her. We’d both changed so much.” He turned around and stared at Jack.
“Is that why I let her die? Because I didn’t want her back?”
Jack pulled Daniel
into a tight hug. He understood the guilt, in all its forms. Knowing nothing he
could say at this point would get through to Daniel, Jack just held on and let
him cry.
Daniel pulled away
from Jack after awhile and collapsed on the couch. He laid his head on the back
of the couch and tried to control his breathing. Jack sat on the other side and
waited for Daniel to talk. “Sorry, Jack,” he finally said.
“Daniel,” Jack
said in exasperation. “Stop telling me you’re sorry and start talking to me
about what’s wrong.”
“I thought I just
did that,” Daniel replied honestly. He wasn’t trying to be difficult this time.
Jack groaned. “Why
didn’t you tell me what was going on earlier?”
“I wasn’t ready,”
Daniel admitted. “It was too complicated. I couldn’t even figure it out
myself.” He sighed. “It wasn’t until you asked me to come over tonight that I
realized I could release some of my guilt for Sha’re’s death.”
“By letting me
strap you for the incident with Linea,” Jack finished for him, the sting of
being used evident in his tone of voice.
Daniel at least
had enough commonsense to look guilty for what he’d done. It helped that he
really did feel guilty. “Yeah, sorry about that,” he said sheepishly. “I should
have told you.”
“Damn right you
should have.” Jack’s anger returned, with good reason. “If you have an issue
with guilt, you tell me and we deal with it. I ought to strap you for using me
for your own agenda.”
Daniel deserved every
bit of Jack’s ire and he knew it. “You’re right, Jack. You’re absolutely right.
I’ll accept whatever punishment you decide for my deceiving you.”
Jack didn’t know
what to do. He was angry with Daniel for not talking to him, very angry.
However he didn’t think strapping Daniel was the answer. He’d only said that on
the spur of the moment. “Daniel,” Jack sighed, “I don’t know what to do about
this. You’re my friend and you cut me off. What do you think we should do?”
Daniel didn’t know
what to do either. He’d screwed up big time and didn’t know how to fix it. “I’m
sorry, Jack. I don’t know what we should do. Maybe I should just go home?”
“For crying out
loud, Daniel. How’s taking off again going to solve anything?” Jack knew too
well how to avoid his problems, he’d only recently figured out he had to deal
with them. “When did you decide to let this strapping be for Sha’re’s death?”
“When I drove up,”
Daniel admitted. He wasn’t about to keep anything from Jack now.
“That’s why you
wanted to get it over with so fast, right?” Jack replied, starting to figure it
out.
“Yeah.” Daniel put
his head down. “I didn’t want to answer your questions.”
“What about last
night?”
“I’m not sure what
part of last night you’re talking about, Jack,” Daniel stated, confused. “We
already discussed why I reacted to your grabbing me.” He didn’t want to have to
go over it again.
“Sorry, I wasn’t
clear. You said you didn’t have any nightmares. I find that hard to believe.”
Jack was familiar with Daniel’s nightmares and had expected them to surface.
Daniel groaned.
“They weren’t nightmares, just bad dreams.”
“About what?” Jack
asked.
“They were all
mixed up.” Daniel still hadn’t sorted everything out for himself, but he tried
to explain them to Jack. “They were all about being helpless. I couldn’t stop
him from grabbing me and I couldn’t stop Amaunet from holding me with the hand
device.” He looked over to Jack finally. “I had time to stop her. I could have
shot her and I didn’t.”
“I never expected
you to be able to shoot your wife, Daniel.” Jack hadn’t seen what had happened
on the planet and this was the first time Daniel had talked about it.
“You were able to
shoot Skaara.”
“What!?” Jack
exclaimed. Where did that come from?
“On Apophis’ ship.
When Skaara had me in the hand device, you were able to shoot him and save me.”
Daniel would never be able to forget Jack shooting the boy he thought of as a
son in order to save his life.
“That was
different,” Jack insisted. “I couldn’t let Klorel kill you. When you were with
Sha’re, it was just the two of you.”
Daniel thought for
a moment. “What are you saying? If Klorel had been trying to kill you, you
would’ve let him?”
Jack hadn’t
thought of it that way before. “I’m not sure, but I didn’t have to make that
choice. You did, and I’m sorry about that.”
Daniel just
nodded. There wasn’t anything to say.
Jack stood up and
walked over to the fireplace. “What do you need, Daniel? What do you need to
deal with this?” He’d do whatever he could to help his friend.
Daniel couldn’t
think. He hadn’t expected Jack to ask that question. He expected him to still
be angry. Then he realized what he did need. “I need a friend, Jack.”
“You have a
friend, Daniel. You have lots of friends, but you’re the one who shut us out.”
Jack wasn’t angry anymore, just sad.
“I know.” Daniel
sighed. Maybe he had blown it. Perhaps it was too late. “If you can’t forgive
me, I’ll understand.”
“Dammit, Daniel,”
Jack responded turning around. Daniel flinched. “Why do you have to be so hard
on yourself? You have forgiven me for so many things, why can’t you believe I
can forgive you? You made a mistake in not telling me. We’ll both live. You
were willing to sacrifice yourself for your wife and Linea. I may not approve
of that, but I understand. I don’t think it’s my forgiveness you need as much
as you need to forgive yourself. And I don’t know how to get you to do that.”
Daniel knew what
worked, but he didn’t think Jack wanted to hear it this time. Deciding being
sneaky is what had gotten him into this mess, he said it anyway. “You and I
both know what helps when I feel guilty. I need to be punished.”
Jack did know what
Daniel needed; he just wasn’t ready to do it yet. “What type of punishment,
Daniel?”
“Huh,” Daniel
answered, confused. Jack had only used the belt and the corner with him, so
far.
“This isn’t a
normal situation,” Jack replied. “I don’t think the normal punishments will
cover it.”
“Then what are you
thinking of?” Daniel was almost afraid of the answer, but anything was better
than feeling like he was.
“My dad used to
say,” Jack began.
Daniel groaned,
and then caught Jack’s look and listened to him attentively.
“As I was saying,
my dad used to say that in order to clear your conscience, you had to fix what
you did wrong.” Jack couldn’t believe his dad’s words were coming out of his
mouth.
Daniel ran his
fingers through his hair. “But I can’t fix what I did wrong. I can’t take back
what I did, or allowed to happen.”
“I know,” Jack
admitted, “but there was another part to his saying. If you can’t fix it, do
something nice for who you wronged.”
Shaking his head,
Daniel replied, “That might work for you, but I can’t do something nice for
Sha’re.” His words caught in his throat. “Not anymore.”
“It wasn’t Sha’re
you wronged, Daniel.” Jack hoped he could convince his friend of that. “You
wronged yourself.”
“You’re wrong,
Jack.” Daniel stood up and started pacing. “I was her husband. I was supposed
to protect her, love her. I couldn’t do either.”
“You did love her,
Daniel. That love may have changed, but you did love her.” Jack placed his
hands on Daniel’s shoulders to stop his pacing. “And you did protect her. At
the risk of your own life, you protected her. And then you did the only thing
you could. You let her go and be free. It’s what she needed.”
Daniel’s tears
flowed once more. He was so tired of crying. Jack held onto him though and
rubbed his back.
When Daniel pulled
away, Jack looked him right in the eye and asked, “Do you believe me?”
Daniel nodded. It
still hurt, but he did believe Jack, for the most part. “So,” he said wiping
his eyes, “what nice thing should I do for you to fix my wrong?”
“Well,” Jack
answered, seemingly thinking about it, “I have an attic that needs cleaning.”
Daniel chuckled.
It was just like Jack to already have something in mind. “Sure, Jack. I’ll get
started on it now.”
“And a truck that
needs washed,” Jack added as he walked with Daniel toward the attic stairs.
“And a lawn that needs mowed.”
“Jaacck,” Daniel
said in exasperation.
“Oh,” Jack said,
finishing off his list, “I also need someone to go to the hockey game with
tomorrow night.”
Daniel smiled at
Jack. Figuring he could survive a night of hockey, and all the other work, he
agreed. “Sure, Jack. Attic first though.”
“Ya think,” Jack
replied, grateful to see his friend smiling once more.