It was over. Shyla
had destroyed the sarcophagus and instructors had been sent to teach the people
how to mine more effectively. However it wasn’t over for Daniel. He’d made it
through his addiction, with the help of his team, especially Jack. Struggling
with his guilt over everything he had done and said, Daniel was waiting for
Jack to discuss his behavior. Nothing had been said about what he had done,
other than the expected apology. It wasn’t enough for Daniel, and he was
expecting Jack to call him on it.
Finally, Daniel
could stand it no longer. He drove to Jack’s house. Tentatively knocking on the
door, he worried at his thumb while waiting for Jack to answer.
Jack was just
getting himself a beer, when he heard the knock on the door. It had been a long
week. His experience in the mine had taken a lot out of him, physically and
emotionally. Then, he’d almost been shot by his best friend and had had to help
him get through the sarcophagus withdrawal. He felt both he and Daniel needed
some time, before they dealt with this issue. Apparently, Daniel couldn’t wait.
Grabbing an extra beer, he went to open the door.
“Hey, Daniel, come
on in,” he said as he handed over the beer and ushered him into the living
room.
Daniel took hold
of the beer. “Oh, uhm, thanks. I guess you were expecting me?”
“Figured you’d be
by sooner or later.” Jack knew what Daniel wanted to talk about, but chose to
let Daniel take the lead.
However, Daniel
wanted Jack to take the lead. “Yeah, I thought we needed to talk.” Daniel was
still standing. He had crossed his arms over his chest, not yet looking
directly at Jack.
Jack relaxed back
into his chair and said, “Sit down, Daniel. Relax.” Not in the mood to make it
any easier for Daniel, Jack didn’t start the conversation.
Daniel sat. He
stared at the beer in his hand, still not opening it. Finally, he sat it down
on the table. Daniel knew what worked to release his guilt, but hated asking
for it. Daniel said quietly, “Okay, uhm, anyway I kinda figured we’d be
discussing my punishment.”
“Punishment for…”
“Punishment for
leaving you in the mines.”
“You were under
the effects of the sarcophagus, Daniel. It wasn’t your fault.” Jack took a pull
on his beer and watched Daniel fidget.
“Fine then, for getting
us captured by saving Shyla.”
“I’m not going to
punish you for saving a life,” Jack responded. He hoped Daniel would get to the
real issue soon.
Daniel looked up
and inquired, “You do think I need to be punished though, right?”
“Oh yeah,” replied
Jack, looking directly at Daniel.
Daniel finally
figured out what Jack wanted him to say. He dropped his head again to look at
the floor. “I walked away from the team. I didn’t let you know what I was
doing. I risked our lives.”
Now, Jack could
make his point. “You know off-world procedures. No one goes off on his own.
There’s a reason for that rule.” Daniel hugged himself. “The rest of the
problems wouldn’t have happened, if you hadn’t run off.”
“I know,” Daniel
whispered. He stood up and started pacing. “I can’t seem to get it through my
head there are other people affected by what I do. I’ve always been on my own.
What I did only affected my own life. It didn’t matter if I risked my life for
what I wanted.”
“You’re wrong,
Daniel. It’s always mattered. You’re the only one who thought you didn’t
matter.” Jack couldn’t figure out why Daniel was always putting himself down.
Daniel turned
around quickly, staring directly at Jack. “No, you’re wrong, Jack. I didn’t
matter. That’s what they all said.” Daniel sat back down on the couch and put
his head in his hands rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Jack chose to
ignore Daniel’s apology. Instead he asked, “Who said you didn’t matter, Daniel?
Who would ever tell you that?” He wanted to get Daniel to talk about his past.
Daniel shook his
head, saying, “It doesn’t matter. I’m an adult now. What I do now is my
responsibility.” Daniel dreaded talking about his past. He wished he had never
brought it up.
Jack wasn’t
willing to let it drop. “You’re right. However, if you’d talk about it, you
might stop thinking about it. Who told you, you didn’t matter?”
Daniel sighed, if
he didn’t tell Jack now, he’d bring it up again at some other time. “Fine, most
of my foster parents let me know I didn’t matter. Some told me to my face I
didn’t matter. Some showed me by never bothering to pay attention to anything I
did. And I did a lot of things to try and get their attention.”
Jack sat down on
the table in front of Daniel, telling him, “Daniel, you do matter. Whatever
happened, whatever you’ve been told or shown, you have always mattered.”
Knowing Daniel, this wouldn’t be the only time they’d work through this issue.
Jack moved on. “However, I know you want to deal with the issue at hand. You risked
your life, again.”
“I know, I know,”
Daniel went on, “I get punished when I risk my life needlessly. You’re going to
take care of that punishment, right?” Hating the pain, but needing the release,
Daniel just wanted to get done with it.
Jack knew Daniel
needed this catharsis, otherwise his guilt would continue to eat away at him.
“I’ll take care of it. You know what to do. Pants down, over the chair.” Jack
stood up and removed his belt.
Daniel stood up to
comply. He stepped over to the chair and turned it around, dropped his pants
and boxers, bent over the back of the chair, and grabbed the armrests.
“Ready, Daniel?”
Jack asked, laying his hand on Daniel’s back.
“Ready,” answered
Daniel, anticipating the first stinging stroke.
Jack asked the
expected question, “What are you being punished for?”
“Not following
procedures, which risked my life and the lives of everyone else,” replied
Daniel.
“And why isn’t
this acceptable?”
Daniel was
surprised by this question. “Because we could’ve died?”
“Because you
matter, Daniel, and you need to start believing it.” Jack watched as Daniel
shook his head. “Say it, Daniel. I want to hear you say you matter.”
Daniel was quiet
for a moment. “I shouldn’t risk my life,” he responded, then added quietly,
“because I matter.”
“Remember that,
Daniel. I’m going to start, but remember, you’re in control. Tell me when
you’ve had enough.” Jack had felt Daniel needed to feel more in control of his
punishments. After the first strapping, they had talked about how Daniel had
never asked for Jack to stop, because he’d been beaten for asking as a child.
Therefore, they had decided to let Daniel end the strapping when he felt he’d
had enough.
Jack laid on the
first stroke. He never warmed up with Daniel. He always started hard and fast,
hoping to be done quickly. As usual, Daniel barely made a sound.
The strapping went
on and on. Daniel’s tears were streaming down his face. He wasn’t making any
other sounds though. Jack was beginning to worry. Daniel hadn’t let it go on
this long before. Jack stopped for a moment, asking, “Daniel, haven’t you had
enough yet?”
“No,” Daniel said
firmly.
“I’m not going to
let this go on much longer, Daniel.”
“I know,” Daniel
said breathlessly, “but don’t stop yet. I’m not ready.” Daniel had yet to find
his release.
Jack started up
again. After a few more strokes, Jack saw Daniel slump over and stopped
immediately. ‘Aw Danny,’ Jack thought, ‘you have such a hard time forgiving
yourself.’
Daniel hadn’t
passed out, but he had zoned out. He’d retreated into himself, unaware of his
surroundings. Jack resettled Daniel’s clothes and laid him on his stomach on
the couch. He picked up the beer Daniel had left on the table and returned it
to the refrigerator. Grabbing a new, cold one for himself, he returned to the
living room to wait for Daniel to come back to awareness.
Daniel realized he
was now lying down on the couch. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at Jack
sitting on the chair across from him. “Hey, Jack.” He winced as he shifted to
his side.
“Hey, Daniel.
Welcome back.”
Daniel had felt so
badly about what he had done to Jack and the others, he still wasn’t sure he’d
paid enough. “I let it go on too long, didn’t I?” he said quietly looking up
from under his lashes.
“Ya think.”
Understanding Daniel’s needs didn’t make it any easier to dole out the
punishment. “Daniel, we had already forgiven you. You need to forgive
yourself.”
“I will, Jack.”
Daniel decided he did forgive himself, finally, for this incident. “I have.
Thanks, Jack.”
Jack stood up.
“You’re welcome.” He reached down to help Daniel up. “What do you say we get
you to bed now?”
Shifting carefully
to grab Jack’s hand, Daniel replied, “Sounds good to me.”
“So, Daniel,” Jack
asked the next morning. He and Daniel were sitting at the kitchen table. Daniel
had his hands wrapped around his mug of coffee, inhaling the aroma. “Do you
want to talk more about what you meant last night?”
“You know, Jack,”
Daniel answered. “You always say it’s over, and then you always bring it up the
next morning.” He gulped his coffee, even though it burned his throat. His
backside ached dully, a reminder of why he was here, in Jack’s kitchen, so
early in the morning.
Jack shook his
head. “I’m talking about what you said about your foster parents, Daniel. I
think you need to deal with it.” Jack knew Daniel hated talking about his past,
but he also knew most of his current issues related in some way.
“Jack,” Daniel
said in exasperation. “My time in foster care does not affect everything in my
life.”
“No,” Jack agreed,
“but it does seem to come up quite often when you’re feeling guilty.” Jack
stood up, grabbed the coffee pot and topped off his and Daniel’s mugs.
“Thanks,” Daniel
muttered. Jack was right. He knew that. Didn’t make him want to talk about it
though. “Look. It was no big deal.”
Jack sighed. “If
someone told me I didn’t matter, It’d be a big deal to me.”
“That’s because
you do matter,” Daniel said without thinking. ‘Keep from meeting Jack’s eyes.
Damn, when will I learn to keep my mouth shut,’ he thought.
“Daniel,” Jack
exclaimed, “tell me what you were told.” How anyone could tell someone else
they don’t matter was beyond his understanding.
“You didn’t grow
up the way I did, Jack,” Daniel tried to explain. “After my parents died.”
Daniel took a deep breath. “I was raised by people who mostly wanted the money
I brought in. I was lucky if anyone even noticed me.” Then he mumbled, “or else
they noticed me too much.”
“We’re you
actually told you didn’t matter?” Jack asked, choosing not to comment on the
mumbling.
“Can we go sit in
the living room?” Daniel asked. The kitchen chairs weren’t comfortable for long
conversations, especially with his sore backside.
“Yeahsureyebetcha,”
Jack stood up and followed Daniel into the other room. After they were both
comfortable, Jack asked, “Are you going to answer my question?”
Daniel stared into
his coffee. “What question was that?”
“Daniel!” Jack was
ready to throttle his best friend.
“Sorry, Jack,”
Daniel said grinning. “I couldn’t resist.” Jack glared at him. “Okay, yes, I
was told point blank to my face I didn’t matter.” Daniel admitted. Jack didn’t
say anything, so he continued, “I was surprised the first time I was told. I’d
asked one of the other foster kids why we didn’t get new clothes like the real
kids. He said it was because we were leftovers, we didn’t matter.”
“’Real kids?’”
Jack asked incredulous.
“What?” Daniel
asked. Before Jack could respond, he caught on. “Oh, ‘real kids’ were when the
foster parents had their own biological children. It was just a term some of us
foster kids used.”
Jack decided to
save that issue for another time. “But he was only another kid. Why did you
believe him?” He could see Daniel believing adults, but to believe other kids.
“Foster care was a
community in itself, Jack,” Daniel explained. “If you were a foster kid, you
put your faith in other foster kids, not adults. You couldn’t trust adults.
Back then, if the other kids in school knew you were a foster kid they wouldn’t
play with you. I tried once not to let anyone know I was a foster kid for as
long as possible, but the moment they found out I was, they stopped playing
with me. One kid even told me he still wanted to be my friend, but his parents
wouldn’t let him.”
Jack remembered a
time when he was in school. A new boy had enrolled in his sixth grade class. He
didn’t dress very well and was shy. Jack never paid any attention to him one
way or another, but he did remember his friends teasing the kid about being a
leftover. He hadn’t joined in the teasing, but he hadn’t stopped it either.
“I’m sorry, Daniel,” he said.
“Don’t be sorry,
Jack,” Daniel replied. “You had nothing to do with it.”
‘No, but I didn’t
stop it from happening to someone else,’ Jack thought. To Daniel he said,
“Maybe not, but you shouldn’t have had to grow up like that.” Daniel just
shrugged his shoulders like it didn’t matter. Jack was worried about Daniel’s
indifference. “So, when did you decide you did matter?” Jack pushed.
Daniel didn’t
answer him at first. Finally he asked, “When did you decide you mattered,
Jack?”
Jack was taken
aback by the question. “I don’t think there was a time I didn’t think I
mattered,” he answered honestly.
“You’re lucky
then,” Daniel said flatly. “The only times I remember mattering, was when I was
still living with my parents, and while I was on Abydos with Sha’re.”
“What about when
you were out of foster care, college maybe?” Jack questioned, trying to find
something to hang onto.
“I met some people,
was in a few relationships,” Daniel replied. “Nothing lasted though. Nobody
could stand to be around me for too long.”
That didn’t help
him. Then Jack realized Daniel had yet to talk about his feelings. “Daniel,
you’ve told me what happened…” Jack began.
“But how did I
feel about it, right?” Daniel finished.
“Yeah,” Jack
agreed quietly.
“I hated it at
first, but then I got used to it,” Daniel admitted. “It was the way things
were. I couldn’t remember feeling any other way.”
“What about now?”
Jack asked, hoping he’d like the answer.
Daniel rubbed his
thumb. He’d finished his coffee but didn’t want to get up for another one. “I’m
not sure, Jack. I know that’s not the answer you want to hear. It’s hard. I
know my knowledge matters to the program. I know my skills are important in the
field. Sometimes I want to matter for me, not for what I know.”
“You do matter for
who you are, Daniel,” Jack assured him. “However, your knowledge and skills are
a part of who you are. They can’t really be separated.”
Daniel considered
what Jack had said. “I understand what you’re saying. I also know, if I didn’t
matter to you, I wouldn’t be here having this conversation.”
“No, we wouldn’t
be,” Jack agreed. He decided he’d made as much progress as he could for now. “I
could use some help with the yard work today,” he mentioned.
“Trying to get
some free labor, Jack?” Daniel teased, appreciating Jack ending the
conversation.
“Any chance I
can,” Jack replied.
“Sure,” Daniel
agreed, “but you’re providing dinner, and I don’t want leftover pizza.”
“Of course, not,” Jack insisted, “that’s for lunch.”