Warning: This story contains details of physical and sexual abuse done to Daniel, and other boys, as an eight year old in his first foster home by the foster mother. If this topic bothers you, please don’t read any further.

 

Author’s note: The first half of this story is very similar to The Other Side from the Taking Care Of Daniel series. I modified the original story to better fit the series and to have this version work as a standalone. I appreciate feedback.

 

The Flashback

 

Jack entered the locker room. He knew he had to talk to Daniel. He’d already apologized for telling Daniel to shut up on the planet Euronda, but they had yet to discuss Daniel’s responsibility for the problem. Having approached Daniel previously about behavior, which had risked his life and the team’s on Ernest’s planet, Daniel had agreed to let Jack punish him anytime he risked his life needlessly by using a belt on his bare backside. Jack said, “Daniel, my place 1900 hours.”

 

Daniel groaned. Should he agree or not was the question. If he didn’t agree, Jack would force the issue and he’d end up at his house anyway. If he did agree, Jack might think he was admitting to doing something wrong, and that certainly wasn’t the case this time. Daniel believed Jack was at fault this time and he would just have to figure out a way to convince him of that fact. “To talk about what happened, right?” he asked.

 

“Right,” Jack agreed, “I’ll have dinner ready.”

 

“Fine,” Daniel said in resignation, great another night at Jack’s house. He didn’t having a problem being at Jack’s when they were just hanging out. However, this wouldn’t be one of those nights.

 

Daniel drove up to the house right on time. During the drive over, his attitude did not improve. He’d accepted Jack’s quick apology. He’d been right from the start. So what right did Jack have to order him to come over tonight? Finally, Daniel exited his car and walked up to the door. He hesitated a moment. Then he knocked and entered. He found Jack in the kitchen, spooning Japanese take out onto some plates. “Jack,” Daniel began, his tone defiant, ”what did I supposedly do wrong this time, other than be right from the start?”

 

“Daniel,” Jack said irritably. This was not starting out the way he wanted it to.

 

Daniel didn’t give Jack a chance. He continued with a full head of steam. “Jack, you were the one who apologized. You knew you were wrong. So what in Netu did I do to deserve being ordered here tonight?”

 

Jack put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the counter. Knowing he’d never be able to discuss anything with Daniel when he was in this state, he said nothing.

 

This only infuriated Daniel more. “I asked you a question, Jack.” Daniel was digging himself in deeper. “You were the one who told me to come. Why aren’t you discussing this with me?”

               

Jack finally said something. It was not what Daniel expected to hear. “I discuss issues with adults, Daniel, not children.”

 

“What?!” Daniel snapped. “I am an adult, Jack, not a child.”

 

Jack stared at Daniel for a while. “And you’re behaving like an adult?” Jack questioned, raising his brows.

 

“Yes!” Daniel answered immediately. Stopping for a minute, he thought about it. Jack was right and he hated that. He’d arrived and started fighting without even giving Jack a chance. He wasn’t ready to give in yet though. However, he did drop his head and crossed his arms on his chest.

 

Jack observed Daniel’s body language. Daniel’s posture clearly indicated he was at the point of adjusting his attitude, at least Jack hoped so. “Daniel,” Jack replied, meaning ‘are you so sure about that’.

 

“Fine!” Daniel conceded Jack’s point, but not quietly. “I am acting like a child. So, what are you going to do about it?” he challenged.

 

Jack gave Daniel a knowing look. Daniel already knew how Jack handled childish behavior.

 

Daniel caught on. His eyes went wide. “No, no, no, no,” he said repeatedly, “I am not standing in the corner.” Jack continued to look at him without saying anything. “Jack?! Come on. I’m ready to discuss this as an adult now. I do not need corner time,” he said, disgust evident in the words ‘corner time’.

 

Jack responded, “And you’ll be even more ready to discuss it in half an hour.” He pointed to the living room. “Go.”

 

Daniel didn’t move. He also wouldn’t look Jack in the eye. It wasn’t that he disagreed with Jack. It was just that corner time made him feel like such a child. He could handle a strapping easier than standing in a corner. He also knew Jack knew that, too. “Jaacck,” he pleaded, sounding more like a child than before.

 

“Daniel,” Jack said firmly. This was not something he’d give in on. Daniel needed to cool down. He knew this would accomplish that. “Do you need an hour?”

 

Daniel’s head popped up. Thirty minutes was bad enough, an hour was an eternity. “Okay,” he agreed grudgingly, “I’m going.” Daniel pushed off the counter and walked into the corner he’d become intimately familiar with. When he heard Jack enter the room, he said sarcastically, “You need to repaint, Jack.” *THWACK* Daniel jumped. He didn’t realize Jack had come so close, or that he already had the hated wooden spoon.

 

“Quiet and no fidgeting, Daniel,” Jack ordered. “Also, if the room really needs repainting, you can do it.”

 

Daniel didn’t apologize for the crack, but he didn’t say anything else either. His back was rigid in defiance, shoulders back, arms at his side, head up.

 

Jack sighed as he sat down. He wasn’t sure a half hour would be long enough. As time passed Jack watched Daniel. First, his head dropped. Next, his arms crossed his chest. Although most people would consider this posture defiant, he knew for Daniel it meant he was being introspective. Finally, Daniel’s shoulders slumped. Jack knew Daniel was ready to talk rationally. He checked his watch, five minutes left.

 

Daniel heard the buzzer go off. Finally, time was up. He waited for Jack to release him though. It didn’t take long.

 

“Okay, Daniel,” Jack said. “Are you ready to discuss the issue now?” he asked.

 

Daniel’s first thought was, ‘I was ready to talk when I arrived. You’re the one that made me wait in the corner.’ Fortunately, self-preservation won out. “Yes, Jack,” he answered quietly.

 

“Have a seat then,” Jack said.

 

Daniel left the corner and sat down. He still wouldn’t meet Jack’s eyes.

 

“Daniel, look at me,” Jack requested. Daniel reluctantly looked up. “I want to discuss why I wanted you to come over tonight, but I need you to stay quiet and let me talk. Okay?”

 

Daniel nodded. He owed Jack that much. Didn’t mean he had to agree with him though.

 

“Good,” Jack replied. “Yes, you were right about there being something wrong on Euronda. I won’t deny that.” He held up a finger to stop Daniel from interrupting. “You said you’d listen quietly,” he reminded him. Daniel closed his mouth. “Being right or wrong isn’t the issue though.”

 

Daniel couldn’t stop himself. “How can being right or wrong not be the issue, Jack!” he yelled, waving his arms. “You were wrong. I was right. That’s all there is to it!”

 

“DANIEL!” Jack responded, raising his voice. ‘Argh, Daniel is so bullheaded,’ he thought. He wasn’t going to get anywhere at this rate. However, getting angry wouldn’t work either. “Fine,” he said, deciding to let Daniel vent, although he knew Daniel would regret it later, “you go first.”

 

Daniel was shocked. He’d expected Jack to fly off the handle, like he had. Now he wasn’t sure what to say when Jack gave him the chance. “It’s just,” he started to say, “I mean... Never mind.” He finished with an apology. “I’m sorry I interrupted, Jack. I’ll let you talk.” He leaned back into the chair in resignation.

 

“You’re sure?” Jack questioned. It wouldn’t do to start talking again, if Daniel weren’t ready to listen.

 

“I said so, didn’t I?” Daniel answered angrily. “What more do you want?”

 

Obviously Daniel wasn’t ready yet. “Corner,” Jack ordered. He needed Daniel calm in order to talk. This attitude was not calm.

 

“Jaacck,” Daniel complained. “I said I was sorry for interrupting. I’m ready to talk.”

 

Jack stared Daniel down, pointing to the corner, not saying a word.

 

Daniel sighed. ‘Damn, when will I learn,’ he thought. Pushing himself angrily out of the chair, he returned to the corner. “How long?” he asked.

 

“Until you’re ready to act like an adult,” Jack answered seriously.

 

“I’m ready now,” Daniel replied, even though his tone implied he wasn’t.

 

“DANIEL!” Jack reprimanded. If things kept going this well, they wouldn’t start discussing the real issue until morning.

 

“Sorry,” Daniel muttered.

 

“You’re in charge of how long you’re in the corner this time, Daniel,” Jack told him. “However, if the next time we talk, you don’t listen to what I have to say, we’re done.”

 

Daniel was worried now. “Done with what, Jack?” he asked carefully.

 

“I can’t go on another mission with you, until we’ve worked through this one,” Jack replied, “and I won’t spend all night waiting for you to be ready. This is your last chance, or you’re grounded until further notice.” Jack didn’t like giving Daniel an ultimatum. He hadn’t had to use this tactic since the first time, but he didn’t feel he had any other choice. If the team was going to work together, he had to have a certain level of respect he didn’t feel from Daniel at the moment.

 

Daniel’s voice remained silent. His mind, however, was going full tilt. Why wasn’t he giving Jack a chance? What was it that made him respond so angrily every time he opened his mouth? He had yet to think about Jack’s point of view, whatever that may be. Running the mission through his mind, from beginning to end, he tried to look at it from Jack’s side of things. Bingo, he finally got it. He’d been so angry when he was told to shut up in front of the Eurondans; he hadn’t considered it. It only took him another forty minutes of corner time to get there. “Jack?” Daniel said hesitantly, still facing his corner. He wasn’t even sure Jack was still in the room.

 

“Yes, Daniel,” Jack responded. He’d been sitting on the couch the whole time just watching Daniel think. He’d been surprised to observe how still Daniel was standing. He could almost see the wheels turning.

 

“I’m sorry,” Daniel said sincerely. “I couldn’t see your side of things before. I wasn’t ready, too angry. I’d like to talk about the mission, if you’re still willing to discuss it.” He spoke into the corner the whole time, not ready to turn around unless Jack was willing to talk.

 

‘I’ve been ready all night,’ Jack wanted to say. However, he stated, “I’m still willing, Daniel. Why don’t you take a break for a minute and stretch, get a drink, use the bathroom, whatever. We’ll talk in ten minutes.” Jack also needed a break. He walked out to the back porch to get some air.

 

“Okay,” Daniel agreed. He could use a break. His whole body was tense from standing still so long, and he’d also become aware of needing the bathroom. Ten minutes later, they were both back in the living room.

 

“May I start?” Daniel asked.

 

“Sure,” Jack answered, wondering if Daniel really had figured it out.

 

“Okay,” Daniel started, staring at his hands, “as much as I was hurt and embarrassed by your telling me to shut up, I also didn’t show you respect in front of the Eurondans earlier.” He glanced up to see if he could tell from Jack’s face, whether or not he’d gotten it right. Apparently, he did.

 

“Go on,” Jack said, starting to feel like they were getting somewhere.

 

“Right,” Daniel continued. “You’re the leader of the team. My disagreeing with you in front of the Eurondans wasn’t appropriate. I should have found another time to talk to you,” he admitted.

 

“Yes, you should have,” Jack agreed. “In that situation we needed to present a united front. You weren’t doing that.”

 

“I know, Jack, but…” Daniel trailed off.

 

“But, what, Daniel?” Jack asked. Daniel finally seeing his part of the problem was a start, but they had to be completely honest with each other if they were going to get passed this.

 

Daniel debated how to say what he wanted, without sounding childish again. “But, you weren’t exactly giving me the opportunity to talk to you.”

 

“Think it through again, Daniel,” Jack prompted. “When was the first time you got the feeling something was wrong?”

 

“At the dinner,” Daniel answered immediately. He’d started feeling uncomfortable when he realized they knew nothing about the supposed enemy. He replayed the scene in his mind. “And at that point I’d already disagreed with you, before I’d even tried to talk with you privately,” Daniel said in understanding. He dropped his head. “I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t think of that.”

 

“You’re right, you didn’t. However, I will take responsibility for my part in it,” Jack admitted. Daniel wasn’t entirely at fault. “I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately to find weapons to fight the Goa’uld threat, or they’ll want to shut down the program again.”

 

“I know that’s always been a focus of the missions, but I didn’t realize it was that bad.” Daniel disliked the fact the mission’s focus had changed so much. However, he didn’t know about the threat to shut down the program.

 

“It is,” Jack explained. Then he added with regret, “They’re also talking about removing all civilians from field teams.”

 

“What!?” Daniel exclaimed. He definitely didn’t know about that.

 

“Because the higher ups feel civilians don’t have the right mindset to follow the goal of the mission,” Jack continued, ignoring Daniel’s outburst. “When you undermined my authority, the possibility of them removing you from my team, hit home.”

 

“I wasn’t trying to undermine your authority, Jack,” Daniel said in his defense.

 

“Daniel,” Jack said, in exasperation. “I know that wasn’t your intention, but that’s what you were doing. I reacted. I felt like I needed to cut you down or I’d lose authority with the Eurondans, and lose you from the team. They’re looking for any excuse.”

 

“I don’t know what else to say, but sorry, Jack,” Daniel said sincerely.

 

“I know, Daniel,” Jack agreed. “There really isn’t anything else to say. Nothing was said during the debriefing or in anyone’s mission reports, except yours, about the incident.”

 

“Mine?” Daniel stated nervously.

 

“Yes, yours,” Jack replied. “As long as you mention the incident in your report, I have to mention it in mine. Then the Powers That Be can say you’re insubordinate and remove you from field teams.”

 

“Oh,” Daniel said. “I need to change my report, huh?” He’d mentioned Jack refusing to listen to him because he’d been angry at the time he’d written it. He hadn’t thought about the repercussions.

 

“Not if you feel it accurately reflects what occurred on the mission,” Jack told him. He couldn’t in good conscience tell Daniel to change his mission report.

 

“It only reflects how I felt when I wrote it, not what really happened.” Daniel stated formally, “I respectfully request permission to revise my mission report before it is officially submitted.”

 

“Granted,” Jack said, just as formally. “So what do we do now?” he asked.

 

“What do you mean, Jack?” Daniel asked with concern.

 

“What’s going to happen on the next mission?” Jack questioned. “They’re not going to drop the civilian issue if you continue to ignore my authority.”

 

“I don’t ignore your authority, Jack,” Daniel insisted. Jack raised his eyebrows in question. “I merely question your decisions, sometimes,” he added sheepishly, looking at Jack from beneath his lashes.

 

Jack groaned. “Daniel,” he said in exasperation.

 

“Sorry,” Daniel said again. He seemed to be saying sorry a lot tonight. He hadn’t planned it that way. “What do you want to do about it, Jack?” Daniel thought he might know, but didn’t want to voice it.

 

“Our deal was only for when you risk your life, not insubordination,” Jack stated. “I’m not sure there is anything else to do.”

 

Daniel didn’t like the implication of insubordination, but if he thought about it, it’s what his behavior was. “But you’d rather make a point with me.”

 

“You seem to remember better when there’s a physical reminder of your actions,” Jack implied. “But it’s your call. This is beyond the original agreement.”

 

“You won’t drop me from the team if I say no?” Daniel asked, looking for assurance.

 

“I will never willingly drop you from the team anymore, Daniel. It’s not even an issue as far as I’m concerned,” Jack replied. “I may ground you from time to time, but not for this.”

 

“Okay then.” Daniel stood up and brushed his hands on his pants.

 

Jack looked up at him. “Okay then, what?” he asked, not sure what Daniel was referring to.

 

“Due to my behavior on this mission…” Daniel took a deep breath, wondering if he was making a stupid decision. “…I am expecting punishment.”

 

Jack rose and moved to stand beside him. “Are you sure, Daniel?” he asked.

 

Daniel ran his hand through his hair. “No, I’m not entirely sure. I also feel like a fool for telling you to strap me,” he admitted. “However, I believe it’s the right thing to do, for both of us.”

 

Now Jack had a decision to make. Daniel agreed to the punishment Jack had suggested. Was Daniel’s agreement enough, or did he really need to follow through? “Okay then,” Jack agreed, “but I won’t use the belt.”

 

Daniel was surprised. The only thing Jack had ever punished him with was a belt. “What are you going to use then?” he asked.

 

Jack went to his den. A short time later, he came back with an eighteen-inch wooden ruler.

 

Daniel gasped. His face lost all its color. “Uhm, J-jack,” he stuttered, “n-no. Not a r-ruler.” He wasn’t even sure himself why the ruler had upset him so much. A belt had never caused this reaction.

 

Jack immediately placed the ruler in his back pocket where Daniel couldn’t see it. He’d never seen Daniel react like this. He quickly walked over to him and guided him to sit back down. Then he retrieved a bottle of water from the kitchen, remembering to leave the ruler there. He went back to the living room and handed the water to Daniel. Some of his color had returned. “Daniel, what the hell just happened? Or should I say, I know you just had a flashback, but of what?”

 

Daniel downed the water. He was still shaky. “I’m not sure, Jack. I wish I were. All I know is the ruler freaked me out.” He put the bottle on the table and then rubbed his hands together as though they hurt him.

 

“It’s been a long night, Daniel,” Jack said. “Why don’t you either eat something, or go to sleep?” he suggested.

 

Daniel looked up at Jack in confusion. “What are you talking about? We’re not done yet.”

 

“We’re done,” Jack insisted. “Your accepting punishment is enough for me this time. I don’t need to carry it out. We’ll talk about what triggered your flashback in the morning.”

 

Daniel wasn’t so sure. He was okay with the punishment issue. The thing he didn’t want to do was talk about his flashback. “Jack, I’m fine now. I don’t need to talk about it.”

 

“Daniel, just go to bed. You’ll need to talk about it in the morning, or possibly later tonight,” Jack told him wearily, rubbing his temples. “Trust me. I know.”

 

Daniel was stunned. He’d always trusted Jack before. He might as well now. “Okay, Jack,” he said uncertainly. “I’ll see you in the morning. Good night.”

 

“Good night, Daniel,” Jack said, as he stood up and retreated to his bedroom.

 

Daniel watched him go, wondering what was going on with his friend. Then he rose and went to bed himself.

 

Jack awoke to Daniel’s screams. He wasn’t surprised. He’d been expecting it. He was all too familiar with what flashbacks could do. Throwing on his sweat pants, he went to Daniel’s room. Pausing in the doorway, he observed Daniel for a moment. Daniel was crying while attempting to push someone away from him, screams bursting out sporadically. Deciding it was time to wake his friend up, he went to stand by the head of the bed. He gently shook Daniel’s shoulder. “Daniel, wake up,” Jack called loudly. Not succeeding, he shook both of Daniel’s shoulders. “Daniel, listen to me. It’s Jack. Wake up.”

 

Daniel bolted upright in bed. Realizing where he was, he pulled away from Jack and scooted to the other side of the bed. “S-sorry for w-waking you up, Jack. I-I’m fine now. Y-you can go b-back to sleep,” he stammered out, still trembling.

 

No way was Jack going back to bed. “Daniel, tell me about your nightmare.” He knew Daniel needed to talk or the flashbacks wouldn’t stop.

 

“Nothing to tell, Jack,” Daniel lied, arms wrapped around his knees. He had relaxed somewhat, but not nearly enough.

 

“Daniel, stop lying and tell me,” Jack insisted. “It’s the only way they’ll stop.”

 

“You’re wrong, Jack,” Daniel argued. “I buried them before. I can do it again.”

 

Jack sat down on the bed next to Daniel. There was nowhere for Daniel to go. Jack could see him tear up again. He put his arm around Daniel’s shoulder. Daniel turned his face into Jack’s shoulder and sobbed. Jack rubbed his back. “It’s alright, Daniel. You need to talk about it though. It’s the only way.”

 

Slowly, Daniel’s sobs eased. He pulled away from Jack, and leaned against the wall, Jack’s arm still laying across his shoulders in support. He wiped his tears away, embarrassed at breaking down in front of Jack. “I’m okay, Jack. Really,” he insisted again, not wanting to talk.

 

“Daniel,” Jack said firmly. “Tell me.”

 

“Fine,” he said in resignation. Daniel hugged his knees to his chest, making himself as small as possible. “It was my first foster home.” He took a cleansing breath. “Ms. May was the foster mother. There wasn’t a foster father. I was still scared to death of what was going to happen to me. She, she liked to play games.” Daniel shivered. “There were four of us foster kids, all boys, ages six to ten. She had a long wooden ruler. Every Friday and Saturday before bed, we would all have to stand in a line and hold our hands out, palms up. She’d strike us each in turn. The first one to pull his hand away, or cry out, would have to sleep with her in her bed.” Daniel was beginning to hyperventilate.

 

Jack rubbed his back. “Deep breaths, Daniel. Take deep breaths.” He had a feeling for what was coming next. However much he didn’t want to hear it, he knew Daniel needed to tell it.

 

Daniel got his breathing under control and then continued. “I was the new kid. I wasn’t used to it yet.” Jack cringed when Daniel said this, no child should have to ‘get used to it’. “I ended up sleeping in her bed a lot in the beginning. You weren’t allowed to wear any clothes to bed. She always kept that damn ruler under her pillow. If you didn’t do what she wanted, she’d smack you with it.” Daniel jumped off the bed. He ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet.

 

Jack had followed him. He wet a washcloth in cold water and handed it to Daniel. “It’ll be okay, Daniel. This is a normal reaction. You need to keep talking though.”

 

Daniel rinsed his mouth in the sink and then gave Jack a dirty look. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one doing the talking.”

 

“No, I’m not the one talking this time,” Jack agreed, “but I’ve been where you are before. Telling the whole story is the only way.”

 

“I need some water,” Daniel said, wishing to avoid talking again.

 

“Fine,” Jack said, “let’s move into the kitchen.” Daniel got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. Then he sat at the table. “Okay, Daniel. I know there’s more,” Jack pushed.

 

“Want to hear all the gory details, do you?” Daniel said sarcastically.

 

“Whether or not I want to hear them,” Jack said evenly, “You need to tell them.”

 

“Right, you keep saying that,” Daniel mumbled. He continued his story from where he left off. “Some nights all she wanted was to hold you while she slept. Other nights, she wanted to touch you, everywhere. Sometimes you had to touch her. One of her favorite things to play was baby. I hated that more than some of her touches.” He stopped talking again.

 

“Did she threaten you?” Jack asked.

 

“Sort of,” Daniel answered, “she would tell us we were bad boys, and if we ever told anyone what we’d done, we’d be sent to jail with the other bad boys. I believed her,” he said sadly.

 

“Of course you believed her,” Jack reassured him. “You were eight years old. You’re supposed to believe the adults in your life.” ‘And adults aren’t supposed to use children,’ he thought.

 

“Yeah,” Daniel said halfheartedly. “Listen, Jack. That’s really all there is. I’m tired and I’d like to go back to sleep.” Daniel did want to get back to his room. However, he didn’t want to sleep, not for a while at least.

 

“Okay, Daniel,” Jack agreed. “You know where to find me if you need me.” Jack knew it wasn’t over yet, but it was a start.

 

Daniel went back to his room. Instead of lying down on the bed to go back to sleep, he dressed himself warmly. He sat down on the chair, waiting until he heard Jack go back to his own bedroom. When he thought he’d waited long enough, he left the room. Then he went outside and climbed the ladder to the roof deck. He sat down on one of the two chairs, staring off into the night.

 

Jack had heard Daniel leave his room. He waited and listened, hoping he wouldn’t hear the car start. When he heard the footfalls on the ladder, he relaxed some. At least he knew where Daniel was. He also knew Daniel needed some time to himself. He lay back down on his bed and rested his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight either.

 

Daniel’s head was spinning. More and more memories were coming back to him of his time in the house. More and more feelings surfaced. Feelings he had trouble assimilating. It explained some of the ways he related with women, he realized. He’d never been interested in women’s breasts, something Sha’re had never understood. It made sense to him now. All through the night he worked through his time in Ms. May’s custody and how bits and pieces of it had affected his life without him realizing it. He never noticed the passage of time.

 

However, Jack did. When the darkness of the night lessened, he dressed, went downstairs and brewed a pot of coffee. After pouring the coffee into a thermos and grabbing two mugs, he climbed the ladder. He found Daniel still sitting in the chair, knees pulled up to his chest with his arms encircling them.

 

“Morning, Jack,” Daniel said, not moving. “Sleep well?”

 

Jack was taken aback. He hadn’t been sure Daniel was even aware he was there. “Uhm, no. Not really,” Jack answered honestly. “How are you doing?”

 

“Been thinking, about everything,” Daniel answered, “all night.”

 

Jack poured coffee for Daniel and handed it to him. “Care to share?” Jack asked.

 

Daniel took the mug and dropped his legs to the ground. “Thanks.” Then he downed half the mug. “Actually, I think I would.”

 

Jack sat down on the other chair. He poured his own coffee. “Did you remember more?” he asked.

 

Daniel nodded. “A lot more. A lot of how I felt.”

 

“It’s okay, Daniel,” Jack assured him. “That’s kind of the way it works.”

 

“You’ve had it happen to you?” Daniel asked.

 

“Yeah,” Jack admitted. “A little different though. You repressed memories as a kid. I was an adult. I knew what I was doing when I’d buried my memories. I don’t think you did.”

 

“No, I didn’t know what I was doing,” Daniel agreed. “If you would have asked me my first foster placement, I would have said it was the Stirlings. That was really my second placement. They were nice. I think that’s part of the reason I was able to repress so well. No one knew and I never talked about it, so I was able to convince myself it’d never happened.” Daniel finished off his coffee and held the mug out to Jack for a refill.

 

As he was refilling Daniel’s mug, Jack noticed Daniel had not yet made eye contact. He knew that was one of Daniel’s coping mechanisms. “So,” he asked, “what did you want to share?”

 

Daniel sighed. “I never felt safe there. I told you how we weren’t allowed to wear clothes when we slept in her bed. Thing is, we were never allowed to wear clothes to bed, even when we got to sleep in our own rooms. She only played the game Fridays and Saturdays, because she didn’t want the marks on our hands to show at school on Mondays. That didn’t mean we were left alone the other nights. Two of us shared each room. I shared with the six year old, Tad. Some nights, she’d open the door to the room. If she didn’t close it, you were safe for the night. If she did close it, you froze, hoping she wouldn’t pick you. I’d curl up into a little ball and close my eyes so tight. I never felt lucky not to be chosen, because I knew that meant she’d play with Tad.” Daniel took a deep breath. “And I would have to listen. God, I felt so useless, Jack.” He finally looked right at Jack, tears in his eyes. “I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t even try. I just laid on my bed silently, trying to block out the noise, waiting until she finally left.” Daniel’s tears began to fall. “I should have stopped her, Jack. He was only six years old.”

 

Jack reached over to hold Daniel, heads touching. “And you were only eight, Daniel. You weren’t old enough to stop her. She was too good at manipulation.”

 

“I should have said something to somebody,” Daniel insisted.

 

“Did you even understand what she was doing, Daniel?” Jack asked.

 

Daniel thought for a moment. Then he released himself from Jack’s hold, sitting back again. “I don’t understand what you’re asking, Jack,” he replied.

 

“Other than being hit with the ruler, when she touched you, how did it make you feel?”

 

Daniel concentrated. “I liked some of it, and I hated myself for liking it.” Daniel ran his hand through his hair. “Shit, Jack. How could I have liked it?”

 

“It’s the way your body’s supposed to react, Daniel,” Jack assured him. “Your body is meant to enjoy touch. Problem is, your brain tells you you shouldn’t, when it’s forced on you.”

 

“I can understand the logic behind what you’re saying,” Daniel admitted, “but it’s hard to accept. Even though I’m an adult, and I’ve had sexual relations I’ve enjoyed, it just feels wrong that I liked it.” Jack started to say something, but Daniel stopped him. “I just need some time to work through this part for myself, Jack, not reassurances or explanations,” he explained.

 

“Okay,” Jack replied. “I can understand that.” Daniel was processing a lot of information and emotions right now. He wouldn’t be done in one conversation. “Anything else, Daniel?”

 

“There was this one time,” Daniel continued. “It was Friday, the night of the game. Tad had been played with the night before. I looked into his eyes. He looked so scared. I knew he couldn’t take another hit of the ruler. She always hit our hands from oldest to youngest. I was next and I’d learned to take a lot more hits by then. I knew I could take the next one, but I pulled my hand away anyway.” Daniel was rubbing his hands together the entire time he told this part. “I couldn’t let her play with him another night. I just couldn’t. So she played with me instead.” Daniel pulled his legs back up on the chair, hugging them to his chest.

 

“Then you did try to help him, Daniel,” Jack pointed out.

 

“For one night,” Daniel said wearily. “For one fucking night.”

 

“For crying out loud, Daniel,” Jack exclaimed, growing tired of Daniel’s self-recriminations. “Cut yourself some slack. You were a child. You did what you could. If you want to be angry with anyone, be angry at the fucking bitch that did this to you. You’ve been blaming yourself for everything that happened, when she’s the one who’s at fault. Not you.”

 

Daniel withdrew further into himself in reaction to Jack’s outburst. He placed his forehead on his knees. “I know what you’re saying, Jack. It’s just not that easy.”

 

Jack stood up, walked behind Daniel, and massaged his tight shoulders. “I want you to do one thing for me right now, Daniel.”

 

“What, Jack?” Daniel asked, all his physical and emotional energy spent.

 

“I want you to say ‘I am not at fault’,” Jack told him.

 

“Jaacck,” Daniel groaned.

 

“Just say it, Daniel,” Jack insisted. “Even if you don’t believe it right now, I want you to say it.”

 

“I am not at fault,” Daniel whispered.

 

“Louder, Daniel.”

 

“I am not at fault,” Daniel said, with no conviction.

 

“Scream it, Daniel.”

 

“I AM NOT AT FAULT,” Daniel screamed. “Are you satisfied yet, Jack?”

 

Jack patted Daniel on the back. He’d felt some of the tension in Daniel’s shoulders relax. “Yes, Daniel, I’m satisfied, for now.” Daniel groaned. “Right now, unless there’s more you want to talk about, I’m starving.”

 

“Right now,” Daniel said, stretching his body, “I’m spent, and I’m starving.” He turned around to face Jack. “And I need a shower badly.”

 

“You go take your shower, Daniel. I’ll make breakfast,” Jack replied. “Pancakes?”

 

“Sounds great,” Daniel agreed. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen. And thanks, for being here.”

 

“You’re welcome, Daniel,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”