generous term. Whimper is more accurate.
“Sam? What the hell are you doing asleep in Josh’s
office on a Saturday afternoon?”
“Donna?” he squeaks. I just made a grown man squeak.
This day just keeps getting better and better.
“Yes. Is Josh there?”
“No. I haven’t seen him since yesterday. Your mother
stole your laptop?”
“Watch it, buster. You’re still on my hit list.”
“I didn’t realize he’d had so many! I swear-”
“Sam, why are you in Josh’s office?”
“I was-”
“Hiding from Toby?”
“No!”
“Kathy, then.”
“I’m just trying to work in peace! What’s so wrong
with that?”
“Well, since you’re there, you can do me a favor.”
“Do you want me to pick you up from the airport
tonight?” Big Brother Sam comes to the rescue. I
almost hate to punish him when he’s being so sweet.
Almost.
“Thanks, but Josh said he would.”
“Really? He did?”
“Yeah. Why do you sound so surprised?”
“It’s just...nothing.” he says quickly, as if he just
remembered that he’s not supposed to say something.
“Just what, Sam?”
“He has this thing about picking people up from the
airport. A rule, really.”
“What’s the rule?”
“He doesn’t do it.” Oh.
“Oh.” Not thinking about it. Not thinking about it.
Picturing little bits of hope being ground into the
dirt by a large Josh foot.
“Yeah.” He sounds thoughtful. “What’s the favor?”
“Turn Josh’s TV to the weather channel.”
“Okay.” I hear him fumble and curse a bit until he
finds the remote. “Yup?”
“Look at the screen very carefully.”
Wait for it...wait for it...
“Donna, where’d Wisconsin go?” Now he’s definitely
whimpering.
“Oh, it’s still there, Sam. It’s just hidden under all
that white cloudy stuff.” I wait for a few moments
before what I’m asking him to do dawns on him.
“No way.”
“You owe me. This is your penance.”
“Can’t I just cut off one of my hands with a meat
cleaver instead?”
“How would you type with only one hand?” This is way
too much fun.
“He’s going to yell, Donna. A lot.”
“You can handle him,” I say calmly.
“You know perfectly well that you and Leo are the only
people on earth who can handle him. And sometimes Leo
needs your help. Why can’t you tell him?”
Because then it wouldn’t be a punishment, now would
it?
“Because he won’t listen to me. You’re his best
friend. You can handle him.”
“He’s going to want to come after you.”
“Keep him there.”
“How?”
“Tie him to a chair or something until Monday. Once he
starts work he’ll forget I even exist.” Sigh.
“No, he’ll be even worse. You got stuck in this
blizzard just to punish me!”
“No, but you know the old saying. Life gives you
lemons-” I can’t keep the laughter out of my voice any
longer.
“Shut up!” he snaps, which only makes me laugh harder.
“You’d better not be trying to steal my reputation of
being the rude one, Sam. It takes years to cultivate a
rep like that.” I hear a voice say in the background.
A very familiar voice.
Sam yips in surprise and says hurriedly, “I’m not
talking to anyone important.”
“Gee, thanks Sam.” I quip, realizing that he doesn’t
know I can hear his conversation with Josh. Apparently
no one ever taught Sam the little trick of covering
the receiver before you speak.
Oh. Dear. God.
My mind works in very strange ways. It often takes me
a long time to catch on to little things that would be
obvious to other people. Then suddenly all the pieces
come together with a snap and I can see the whole
picture.
I replay yesterday’s phone conversation with Josh in
my mind.
Me: My computer was confiscated.
Josh: Confiscated? Are you in prison?
Me: It only seems that way. (I then turned to my
mother, *leaving my damn hand off the damn receiver*)
Could I have a few minutes, please?
Mother: You’re dating a politician.
Me: Yes.
Mother: Why?
Me: I’m in love with him.
Josh sounded very strange on the telephone afterwards.
He wanted to know if someone was picking me up from
the airport.
Josh thinks I’m dating a politician.
Worse, Josh thinks I’m in love with a politician.
How can I use this to my advantage?
***************************************************************************
I’m still pondering the situation when I hear Josh
say, “Then who are you talking to?”
There’s something you should know about Sam Seaborn:
The man cannot lie under pressure. “Nobody.”
“Sam, tell him you’re on hold.”
“I’m on hold,” he says proudly, and once again I save
a man’s life with my deft tongue and quick wit.
Ego? What ego? I don’t see any ego.
“With who?” What’s with the persistence, huh?
“A person you don’t know,” he says defensively.
“Just hang up. I’ll talk to you later. Oh, and Sam,
have fun,” I add with malicious glee.
“No!” Sam yelps, making me jump.
“What is wrong with you?” Josh asks, and I hear him
grab the phone from Sam’s hand.
Uh oh. We’re about to get busted. Not that we did
anything wrong.
“Josh!” Sam has really got to get over this yelping
thing.
“It’s my phone, Sam. Who is this?” He sounds more
amused than irritated. I have a feeling that’s about
to change. I could just hang up, but that would be
silly. Childish, even. So I was talking to Sam.
Big whoop.
“Hello, Joshua.”
“DONNA?” I wince and pull the phone away from my ear.
Ouch.
“How’s the weather down in DC?”
“You were talking to Sam!” Sam must have run away a
long time ago. Chicken.
“I talk to people all the time, Josh. Sometimes I even
talk to people who aren’t you.” Burn, baby, burn.
“You were talking to *Sam* in my office!”
If I had any sense whatsoever, right now I would
calmly explain that I had called his office and Sam
had picked up the phone. Simple as that.
But what right does he have to be upset about this?
Forget right, what *reason* does he have to be upset
about this? I talk to Sam all the time at work and he
doesn’t bat an eye; now all of a sudden it’s an issue?
“I don’t see your point,” I say coolly. This is none
of his business, and I fully intend to tell him so.
“Why didn’t he say it was you on the phone in the
first place? Why’d he lie?”
“Maybe he didn’t want you to interrupt our
conversation.” I regret the words the second they come
out of my mouth, but there’s nothing I can do.
“Oh. Well, so sorry to butt in like that. Perhaps you
two could continue your simulating conversation if he
picked you up from the airport tonight,” he says
stiffly, his voice icier than the snow outside my
window.
“That won’t be necessary. Take a look at your
television, Josh. I’m not flying anywhere.”
“I guess I’ll call the temp agency for help on
Monday,” he says coldly, and hangs up.
He hung up on me! Incredible. What the hell did I do
to offend him? Sam and I are friends; Josh knows that.
Why on earth-
As I hear the pieces snap into place, I realize two
very important things.
One: Josh is an idiot.
Two: Sam is a politician.
THE END